The (bad) Advice thread

[el :BeoWolf:]

Just claim you are 5 feet, and that everybody has been measuring everything wrong.

Should I invest in the stock market? and if so what should I invest in it?

 

[Doc]

Blockbuster. It's coming back, so make sure you get in early.

I really want to change my diet to lose weight. What should I start eating?

 

[Djinn]

I always heard the best way to lose weight is to only eat things that are not technically food at all. Grass, rubber tires, golf balls, tin foil, just anything as long as it was never food. That way the body cannot digest it whatsoever but you still get that full satisfaction from a large meal. When nothing is broken down into protean, carbohydrates, or sugars then there is nothing to build up and be stores as fat. I'm eating a cup full of black potting soil right now as I type this and it's great!

Why haven't they invented hover boards yet?

 

[Spiritual Mask Salesman]

You actually can invent your own hover board by using powerful magnets. All you need to do is get one in your possesion. There is one located in the National High Magnetic Feild in Florida. Simply steal it, rig up a skateboard to your needs, and off you go!

I'm looking for an adventure, what should I do?

 

[el :BeoWolf:]

Open up every door you can, and see if they lead to a fantastic land of wonder, and thinly disguised religious allegories.

About how much wood should a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

[LadySmugleaf]

Depends on how much wood furniture you have.

I want to have a bowl of cereal. But I don't have any milk or cereal for that matter.

 

[Daemoniz]

Go buy the cereal in the supermarket and then go milk a bull for some fresh milk.

If I wanted to leave this forum for a year(again) what would be the best way to let people know?

 

[LadySmugleaf]

First you have to compile a list of everything wrong with this site. Then you track down the forum's founder and nail that list to his front door. Come back in a year and see if all your problems got fixed.

I want to wear my pjs to work, but it's against the dresscode. How do I convince my managers to let me wear my pjs?

 

[Spiritual Mask Salesman]

Bribe them with alot of money.

My grass isn't green enough, what should I do?

 

[Daemoniz]

Get rid of the grass and grow marihuana-plants instead

I want to become a superhero, how do I become one?

 

[Spiritual Mask Salesman]

There are many ways. Let a spider bite you, get struck by lightning, use yourself for an experiment involving chemicals that goes horribly wrong. Yup.

I want to go into space, how can I accomplish this goal?

 

[Dio]

Book a flight to Dubai. Stand at the top of the Burj Khalifa and strap 50 fireworks to your back and light them. They should be able to take you into space if you are already high up.

My toilet is blocked. What would be a good way to solve this problem?

 

[Misty]

Get some M80s, light them, stick them as far down that sucker as you can, and now you don't have a toilet, let alone a blocked one. Problem solved.

I want to punch someone through the internet, but so far that's proved impossible. How do I express this urge to the person without destabilizing our friendship?

 

[Dio]

I think you should track them down and punch them in real life.


I put M80's down my toilet after lighting them. There is poo and water everywhere and the water pipes that burst from the explosion are flooding my house. What should I do?

 

[Zelda18]

Moving would be the most logical solution here. Anything else will result in great tragedy, generally resulting in death.


I just found out I have super powers. What should I do?? I can't control them at all. I need help quick!