The (bad) Advice thread

[12345]

Answer: This man shows a brilliant tutorial on how to do so.

Spoiler

Question: My favourite game just had an update, and I am having difficulty adjusting to it. Any tips?

 

[SavageWizzrobe]

(A) Make a new update by yourself, for yourself. Don't worry about coding, because coding's so easy that anyone could do it. And above all, KEEP IT A SECRET FROM EVERYONE.

(Q) I'm bad at a certain game. How can I improve?

 

[12345]

Answer: You must go through rigorous training routines to toughen yourself up. I would suggest doing 500,000 Hindu Squats a day, this would allow your blood to pump and your hormones to be ecstatic, thereby allowing you to have super-human capabilities to the max, and thus being a true legen in videogaming history.

Question: My new video is taking a long time to upload. How can I cut the time shorter?

 

[Pen]

Answer: On the other side of the world there's a secret underground facility. If you can manage to get there, enter the facility unnoticed, find the super cool device that's there, and successfully take it out with you, then you can insert it to your computer and you'll find that your video will be uploaded in no time at all.

Question: I want to build a time machine. How do I get started?

 

[Triforce King]

Answer: Simple, use all of your Nintendo home consoles as material for the time machine.
Question: How do I turn super saiyan?

 

[linkypete]

Answer: yell a lot

Question: I wanna build a snowman but my sister keeps telling me to go away. What do I do?

 

[SavageWizzrobe]

(A) Use her as a mannequin for making your snowman.

(Q) I'm obsessed with cleanliness. How do I get rid of my obsession?

 

[linkypete]

(A) Burn everything. there will never be anything to clean up again.

( My sisters won't stop asking questions about what happens next in tv shows and movies that they haven't seen. What do I do?

 

[Djinn]

(A) You yell "OMG SPOILERS!!!!" at her repeatedly until she runs out of the room. Either because you don't want to be spoiled yourself and are taking out your aggression on her for the audacity of ruining the show you wanted all week to watch, or because you are shouting like a madman at her for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

(Q) How do I change the timing belt on a 2004 Honda Civic?

 

[12345]

Answer: Don't you ever do that! Not only will that cause a ripple in the atmosphere, but the seismic waves that proceed it will rupture the dimensional barriers and create a wormhole to the 6th dimension! Time is relative to space and thus, you would vaporize every matter, every consciousness inhabiting our realm! Please just don't do this, Djinn. I know that you're a smart person, just go buy a 2016 Honda HR-V instead.

Question: I miss Batman and his linguistical sermon, any suggestions to cope with this melancholy?

 

[TheFourthTriangle]

A) I suggest that you travel the world for seven years, training yourself in several martial arts. Then come back home and dress up as your least favourite animal. When you are all suited up, you can hang off the edges of rooftops and brood about things in your own linguistic sermons, just like the real Batman!

Q) I find it hard to remember directions, and my spatial awareness in general isn't that great. Any tips on how to improve?

 

[Soul]

A) Just follow your instincts. If they don't lead you were you want to go, maybe they'll lead you somewhere else that's cool. Reliably showing up to appointments is overrated. Spread your wings and fly, child!

Q) There's a spider in my bathroom that tries to ambush me everytime I take a shower. Since I'm mortally afraid of spiders, I haven't showered in the last two weeks, and my neighbours are starting to complain whenever they meet me in the stairway. My cat has run away too. What am I supposed to do?

 

[Misty]

A) Get an axe and a fly swatter. Go outside and find a man who both appears strong enough to destroy a spider and also wimpy enough to be threatened by a person like yourself. Threaten him with the ending of his existence by fly swatter and then once you've forced him into your bathroom give him the axe to kill the spider with.

Q) My mother is on a diet and there isn't really anything I like to eat in the house...what do?

 

[Soul]

A) Come to my house and eat the spider. Both of our problems will be solved that way, and I save myself the trouble of finding someone who'd actually be intimidated by me.
Q) What should I do if Misty takes up my offer, but then threatens to stab in the back with the fly swatter?

 

[Misty]

A)Pray you like it in the back?
A2) Misty is clearly a faerie and if you don't believe in her, she'll die, possibly, probably, metaphorically.
Q) How do I come to terms with the fact I'll never be five feet tall?