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The (bad) Advice thread

Djinn

and Tonic
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Location
The Flying Mobile Opression fortress
Sort of like the question/answer thread you come here with a question about everyday life and the next poster comes up with a lifehack answer to your problem then asks their own question for the next poster. If we get enough we might have a 101 ZD Lifehacks.

Examples are

(Q) Hey ZD I am traveling in Chicago and I need a place to stay for the night. What should I do?

(A)Easy, all you need to do is assault a cop. You get at least 1-2 free nights stay with a meal. Now you want to only act mildly crazy or else it could be a few nights extra and you might not make your appointment. Try to steer away from screaming anything overly political while you are at it and you should be fine.

(Q) Dear ZD, my toiled it clogged again and this is the third time this week. I have tried everything and nothing is working. What should I do?

(A) The quickest and easiest solution is to take a large sock, now you are going to want to use a sturdy one, and stuff at least three grenades in it. Remember once you pull the pins you only have 8 seconds to be sure to time everything perfectly. Gently pull the pins then flush the grenade sock down. You are going to need a helmet, if you do not have one then try using a good metal bowl from your kitchen and take cover. After 9 seconds this should clear up all your toilet problems!

so to start


(Q) Dear ZD, I saw this really big spider in the living room a few minutes ago what should I do?
 

Justac00lguy

BooBoo
Joined
Jul 1, 2012
Gender
Shewhale
Pick it up and gently place it on your tongue and close your mouth. The world is a dangerous place for a spider, it will be safe inside you as it crawls it's way down your throat.


(Q) I found a hobo sleeping in my kitchen, what should I do?
 

onebizarrekai

gay energy
Joined
Feb 28, 2010
Location
New York
Gender
Agender
Make sure not to wake him up, go and kill someone, put the body in your kitchen (make sure there's blood everywhere), call the cops, and then tell them that the hobo did it. He won't ever bother you again!

(Q) My girlfriend is cheating on me with my ex-girlfriend. What do I do?
 

Shroom

The Artist Formally Known as Deku Shroom™
Joined
Jan 21, 2011
Gender
Fun Guy
Drugs.

I just got a bunch of graduation money! What should I do with it?
 

Djinn

and Tonic
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Location
The Flying Mobile Opression fortress
(A)As a great philosopher once said "There is nothing that cannot be fixed with fire." You should use your newfound wealth and prosperity to throw the largest bonfire for all of your friends. Make it a party but be sure to get some of them to chip in for drinks and food since all of your money is going to be keeping that fire alive. If you can try to get it in smaller bills so you have plenty of $1 bills to make it a nice long fire.


(Q) Dear ZD there is this lump on my mattress that is incredibly annoying. It is keeping me awake at night every night. What should I do about it?
 

Kylo Ken

I will finish what Spyro started
Joined
Aug 10, 2011
Location
Ohio
A. People have won millions at casinos. Try gambling there, you'll be sleeping soon enough.

Q. My phone's battery keeps dying, what's a good way to fix it?
 

Djinn

and Tonic
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Location
The Flying Mobile Opression fortress
(A)The problem is that phone batteries are just way to small. I replaced mine a few years ago with a Dewalt 216-G Truck battery. Normally used to transfer trucks and professional construction equipment. They are a bit heavy, about 40lbs, but that's also 40lbs of pure power! Your battery is not going to run out anytime soon at all. If it does not perfectly fit into the phone then just use superglue. You won't need to replace it anyway so go for it!

(Q)I keep getting this clicking sound on the left side of my jaw when I am eating. I have tried everything except actually going to a dentist or doctor. What should I do?
 

Link Floyd

ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵘⁿ
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
(A) Pull all your teeth out and only drink fluids.

(Q) My ex keeps harassing me with nasty texts and phone calls. What should I do?
 

CynicalSquid

Swag Master General
Joined
Aug 1, 2012
Location
The End
Gender
Apache Helicopter
Smoke meth. No one likes a meth addict.

I wish I could be a girl, but I don't know what I should do about that. Suggestions?
 

Link Floyd

ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵘⁿ
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
(A) Cut your dick off with a chain saw.

(Q) I want to be a better chef. What should I do to improve my cooking skills?
 

Djinn

and Tonic
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Location
The Flying Mobile Opression fortress
(A)With money, everyone loves someone with money and someone that is willing to buy them stuff. So be sure to throw your money around, buy things for random strangers as much as possible. Who cares about debt. You know who actually lives debt free? Weird people with no friends that never party at all. And no one wants to be like that.

(Q)I think there might be a ghost haunting the attic, what can I do about that?
 

SavageWizzrobe

Eating Link since 1987
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Location
The Wind Temple
(A) Eat rat poison to kill yourself, then in your new, ethereal state, go to the attic and befriend the ghost, since you two will be able to relate with one another easily. Show the ghost a better place to haunt that's more fun!

(Q) My computer keeps randomly crashing. What can I do to fix it?
 

Djinn

and Tonic
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Location
The Flying Mobile Opression fortress
(A) Get a lawyer, he'll instruct you to go get some xrays, maybe wear a neck brace for a while then sue that manufacturer good! Those companies are totally liable for all crashes and they do not even install seat belts in most computers. I crashed my computer into a pine tree last August and with the help of my attorney I got the greatest settlement ever. Now I own three computers, one is a nice deluxe sports model with a rag top convertible painted red. Do yourself a favor and get a lawyer now.

(Q) The cable went out, and I'm really bored...what should I do?
 

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