I want this year to be done, I want the stress to be gone, I never want to see my friends again...I don't know why, but that's what I want right now. I can't go through this right now, I need to focus, I will prove to myself that I'm not worthless.
When people you think are great friends of yours bail on you... it really hurts. Something that happened today made me think back towards the time when I did a very similar thing to them, and I didn't realize until today just how they felt about that. I wish I could go back and undo everything. Go back to the time when everything was great. When I had lots of friends, hung out with them often. I wish I could change my past... but I can't. And now I may have lost a couple of the greatest friends I've ever had.
And now I keep asking myself... why? Why do people do the things they do? Why do I do the things I do? I don't have an answer for that, and I don't think I ever will. It's a question that I'll probably be asking myself for the rest of my life.
I want my old life back. I want my old friends back, my only "true" friends I've ever really had. They're never coming back, and it makes me sad to think about that. I know it's true though. The only group of people IRL that could cheer me up in my darkest times, the only group of people I could trust with my life. Gone. I haven't had friends like them since. And now, experiencing something similar to what I did to way back when is just... it's heartbreaking. It makes me want to take a gun and put it to my own head for having been such an idiot. But I know that's a bad idea. People change, and that's just the way life goes. I just wish I knew why.
Losing such close friends was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. It's been almost 2 1/2 years, and not a day goes by in which I don't think about them. And no matter what I said, no matter how hard I tried to make things work, it was never a success.
Be grateful for the friends you have. Keep them close. I don't have very many left, and I feel like it's mostly my own fault. Friendship is one of the greatest things on this planet, so make it last. Cherish it.
On a much happier note, I finally found my wallet...
Mellow, true friends are those who stick around, who supports you in the hard times, who confronts you when you are in the wrong, who notices when you're not yourself. They stick with you thick and thin, and takes quite a lot to get rid of.
In honor of the Legend of Korra, I want to bring about change and balance in my life. I'm currently getting over my fear of change one step at a time, and through this I hope I can find a balance. The way I've most recently handled change in my life was completely unacceptable, and I'm learning from my mistakes. One way I'm going to face my fear is with a haircut. I've always adored my long hair (it goes down to the middle of my back, maybe even lower), but cutting it is going to help. I've always been afraid to cut my hair, and whenever my mom would mention getting it "trimmed" I would cringe. It's time for me to move past that: I'm gonna get it chopped off so it rests on my shoulders (probably a solid 4-7 inches depending where on my shoulders I decide to cut it). I know this seems stupid, but it's one step forward in a long process, and I'm excited.
Every time I leave home to come back to my apartment for a new semester of school (or even leave home after a weekend visit), it gets a little easier to pull myself away from home. I still love being at home and it's never strictly speaking "easy" to leave, but it hurts less and less each time.
But watching my family leave my apartment after they've spent a few days here with me? That gets harder every time. It's gotten to the point where I'm essentially useless for the rest of the day, just sort of lost in my thoughts. I'm generally a happy, cheerful person... but man, these days are brutal.
I think I'm sick. I've been shivering all day and I've had a headache and body aches all day, too. I think the advl I took heped with that, and after curling up under my covers for a while getting warmer, the shivering has stopped. Hopefully I won't be like this tomorrow, since I have school.