When people you think are great friends of yours bail on you... it really hurts. Something that happened today made me think back towards the time when I did a very similar thing to them, and I didn't realize until today just how they felt about that. I wish I could go back and undo everything. Go back to the time when everything was great. When I had lots of friends, hung out with them often. I wish I could change my past... but I can't. And now I may have lost a couple of the greatest friends I've ever had.
And now I keep asking myself... why? Why do people do the things they do? Why do I do the things I do? I don't have an answer for that, and I don't think I ever will. It's a question that I'll probably be asking myself for the rest of my life.
I want my old life back. I want my old friends back, my only "true" friends I've ever really had. They're never coming back, and it makes me sad to think about that. I know it's true though. The only group of people IRL that could cheer me up in my darkest times, the only group of people I could trust with my life. Gone. I haven't had friends like them since. And now, experiencing something similar to what I did to way back when is just... it's heartbreaking. It makes me want to take a gun and put it to my own head for having been such an idiot. But I know that's a bad idea. People change, and that's just the way life goes. I just wish I knew why.
Losing such close friends was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. It's been almost 2 1/2 years, and not a day goes by in which I don't think about them. And no matter what I said, no matter how hard I tried to make things work, it was never a success.
Be grateful for the friends you have. Keep them close. I don't have very many left, and I feel like it's mostly my own fault. Friendship is one of the greatest things on this planet, so make it last. Cherish it.
On a much happier note, I finally found my wallet...