The Official ZD Jokes Thread

[Triforce King]

 

[Triforce King]

 

[Batman]

What excuse does Mario use when he breaks up with his girlfriends?

Spoiler

It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

 

[Bladerguy2]

The Chicago Bears.

 

[Triforce King]

Long ago before the existence of man, there were two armies. One side consist of God and his army of angels, and the other side consist of Lucifer and his army of false angels. It was a furious battle between good and evil, but at the end good have triumph over evil. With Lucifer and his men capture, God speaks to Lucifer.
God: Lucifer before you receive your punishment, there's one more thing I need to tell you.
Lucifer: What is it?!
God: I'll see you next Fall.
Lucifer: What?
God: Kicked Lucifer out of Heaven like a professional placekicker
Lucifer: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Lucifer's Army::goodness:
God: Looks at Lucifer's Army:mods:
Lucifer's Army:
God: Kicked Lucifer's Army out of Heaven too
God:
Lucifer and his falling angel came crashing down from the sky like a bunch of meteorites to the ground.
Lucifer: ccccccccck! Crash to the ground head first
Lucifer's Army: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Crash to the ground
Lucifer: pulled his head out of the ground Ooooh, now I get it.
Lucifer's Army: Shut up Devil!
The End.

 

[Kingwobbly]

An old am is looking after his 7 year old Grandson for the evening. He is sitting with a glass of scotch reading a newspaper when the kid asks "Grandad, can I have some of your drink?"
The man replies "well, can your dick touch your arse hole?" To which the kid shakes his head and the man says "then you aren't old enough to drink this scotch."
Later the kid is sat on a step outside eating a pack of cookies. The man sits next to him and asks for a cookie to which the kid says "can your dick touch your arse hole Grandad?"
"Yes it can" says the Man with a smile.
"Then go **** yourself" says the kid.

 

[Batman]

When my pet goldfish died, my parents thought it'd be a good idea to replace it with a hamster.

The poor little guy drowned in seconds.

 

[Kingwobbly]

Venison's deer, isn't it?

 

[Kingwobbly]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
I can't marmalade my cock in your arse.

 

[Batman]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Spoiler

Scares the hell out of the dog.

 

[Sheik]

 

[Kingwobbly]

Friend: I can't think of another word for stitch.
Me: Is that sew?

 

[Batman]

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Spoiler

Artificial Swedeners

 

[Mellow Ezlo]

Q: What do you call a German who complains a lot?

A: Whine sauerkraut.


xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

...

*suicides*

 

[Mercedes]

I once had a friend who had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.