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The Official ZD Jokes Thread


つ ◕_◕ ༽つ
Nov 12, 2007
In bed
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face.


Jul 1, 2012
How can kanye west afford McDonald's? Because he sold his soul for a happy meal.
Yo, Triforce King, I'm really happy for you and i'ma let you finish, but Azure had one of the best jokes of all time.


Hello Sweetie!
Jun 18, 2011
An elderly couple attended church every Sunday, but because the new priest tended to hold extremely long sermons the wife tended to bring her knitting to keep her occupied, while the man had a tendency to fall asleep. So one Sunday as the priest droned on and on, the wife got started on a sweater she was knitting for one of their grandsons, and the man quickly fell asleep. After a while, the priest decided to involve his audience and asked; "Who created the heavens and earth?"

The audience was quiet, most of them having drifted off at some point in the last ten minutes. The man had begun snoring and the wife felt extremely embarrassed, so quickly jabbed him in the side with one of her knitting needles. The man jolted awake and cried out; "Oh my God!"

"Correct," grinned the priest as he happily continued with his sermon. The wife continued on her knitting and the man took but a minute before he again was sound asleep. A while later the priest felt the congregation had gotten a mite quiet again, so decided to ask a second question; "Who gave his life so we may reach salvation?"

The man's head was now tilted back, his mouth wide open and he was now drooling as well. The wife, once again extremely embarrassed, gave the man another jab with her knitting needle. He jolted away and cried out; "Jesus!"

"Correct," the priest cried out happily as he continued with his sermon. The man glared warily at his wife, but nodded off within a couple of minutes. The wife continued her knitting. As the priest was closing in on the end of his sermon he decided to ask one last question; "What did Eve tell Adam when she had their last child?"

The wife horrified that her husband was yet again asleep, she gave him an extra hard jab in the side with her knitting needle. The man jumped out of his seat, turned to his wife and screamed; "If you jab me with that THING one more time, I'll break it in two!"
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank goodness I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
Nov 17, 2014
Person 1: Knock! Knock!

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Control Freak.

Person 2: Con—

Person 1: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
This one's a riddle:
With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?

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