Last person to post wins

[Chevywolf30]

Lol so I only have one assignment left and it's a short free write assignment but my brain is done braining for now so even tho this is righ tin my wheelhouse I cannot make myself do this, you'd think that I'd appreciate having something I'm good at for my last thing but noope

 

[Fraxinus]

would you like some suggestions for a writing prompt for your freewrite? *rubs hands*

 

[Chevywolf30]

Nah there's some prompts that it wants you to choose from, I just need to make my brain work for like 15 more minutes...

 

[Fraxinus]

oof thats a drag

i might go back to reading about insecticides later but i really need to watch this lecture on pompilids like a good noodle

its just that its an hour long and my brain keeps wandering

 

[The Dashing Darknut]

who the hell told you things are easy for other people? thats pretty damn presumptuous of you to say something like that

if you want me to open the can of worms right here, if this is something you've been dying to talk about i suppose i can humor you.

i ignore you because most if not everything you do on zd reeks of seeking approval. i can sum it up in one example because this is the one that will stay in my mind for the context of how you are and what you do when you interact with me.

the worst thing youve ever done to me was when you drew me a picture of a character i love, when you knew i was mad at you. that just made me madder; you had to involve something i cared about in your sucking up game. salt in the wound type **** all the time, you had to take that thing i cared about down with you. and i had to just pretend everything was FINE--it just put me in a hostage situation cuz i had to be "nice" and thank you for the drawing even though it pissed me off.

Im sorry. I wanted you forgive me, and at that moment I wanted to do something I thought could’ve been nice, but it was foolish in the end. It just makes me more mad at myself, and I can’t go back

I don’t know what else to say. I just feel like screaming, I want to start over, I wish this all never happened. I’d dm you about it more but I won’t, because you wouldn’t want that, and I feel like I’m going in circles

 

[Fraxinus]

NO. im not mad about it now dont ****ing start this spiral, im just sharing this story to make a point. everything you do has this same damn trend. its hard to deal with, which is why i just back away now. im not mad because i choose to avoid it

but if you see people avoiding it and you work even harder to embed yourself into them, then yeah, im gonna ****ing snap at you.

sucking up by design is not meant to make the person youre sucking up to feel better. its to make you feel better. you want that validation--which is why you must ask yourself.. why do you need other people to determine your contentment?

seeking approval is actually more unkind to people than just being yourself because seeking approval is functionally parasitism and left unchecked it can actjally become abusive

so work on fixing it and you'll be fine.

 

[Chevywolf30]

Actually I'm almost certain the professor said we only need to do the reading. It's early in the semester, I am willing to take that gamble, and be more specific when taking notes on assignments in the future.

 

[The Dashing Darknut]

I’m wondering I shouldn’t be on this thread or SB though, because that’s where most of my trying to join in on convos or trying to seek approval is. But I don’t want to just leave again. I have wanted people to look at my drawings and writing, but then that makes me think if I really do care about my story or drawings if it’s just to please.

This community is important to me, I don’t want to just up and leave it, I just have been feeling lonely lately, and I have always been so dependent and worried about what others say about me. I wish I could never make flaws, always say the right thing. But my whole “please forgive me!!!” is pretty pathetic of me to do, I just don’t know when people DO like me and WHEN is the right time to join in on a discussion.

Thanks for being honest though, and for always hearing me out, and having patience.

 

[Fraxinus]

what about me? im writing a story with zero intentions of sharing it

like does something like thst compute with you? or do you think things are only created to be shared?

i dont want you to leave either so

 

[The Dashing Darknut]

That’s a… good question

No, I don’t think it’s just meant to be shared, having fun with it does matter I just wish to share it because I want others to be able to also read my story and see what they think, I want a good message that I hope maybe could inspire others or it’s something people can relate to

But I just have low confidence about it all, it gets to me in my head, and replaces me having fun writing the story to making me feel like I need everything about it to be perfect and makes me worry about how edgy the story feels or how forced the writing is or if the story is something that…it is just bad

My negative feelings and my worry of what others think gets to me all the time, it cancels out my positive feelings or just doing stuff for fun. I constantly get voices in my head, that make me think “oh what are they thinking?” or make think of something bad I did in the last that I can’t forgive myself for, which goes back to me not liking myself. I think that is the root cause of my problems

 

[TheGreatCthulhu]

glanced at a discord server just now and i just saw the message

"i am going to brush your bones"

fear

I need a plastic skull that I will name Philip. Then I put vodka and orange juice in it.

Then it will be my Philip's head screwdriver.

 

[Fraxinus]

But I just have low confidence about it all, it gets to me in my head, and replaces me having fun writing the story to making me feel like I need everything about it to be perfect and makes me worry about how edgy the story feels or how forced the writing is or if the story is something that…it is just bad

this is the benefit about not sharing really

you can completely eliminate worry about ehat others think if you write with the intention of not sharing

that doesnt even mean you'll never share it later but write like youre the only person who's reading it

 

[The Dashing Darknut]

That’s… also a good point

I need to think more about this

 

[TheGreatCthulhu]

That’s… also a good point

I need to think more about this

Just create for yourself first. Share it when you think it's ready, not because you have some obligation to.

Like there's a reason I never share videos of me learning or writing a new song, or videos of me practicing.

 

[The Dashing Darknut]

Weirdly I feel better, I just hope I didn’t waste anyone’s time or made things worse talking about this

Self love is just hard because I just haven’t found what I like about myself yet. It’s a lot of the time hard to find even a single thing, and when my mom tells me how she thinks I’m wonderful, a lot of times it feels undeserved or sugarcoated. And the voices at school get louder and make me feel sometimes backed into a corner. Sometimes I just feel like the person who I really am…is wrong, and isn’t a good person, it makes me worry about what I’m going to be as an adult, but then again, that’s all up to me