Thank you for your advice and support. I do try to talk to my family about how I'm feeling, but I don't tell them all the dark thoughts I have, for fear of how they'll react (will they think I'm crazy or just tryin to get attention?). I'm not sure I have anyone who I trust fully and who I can tell all my feelings to.
And I do have some idea about what's causing these feelings, but I start feeling really guilty and ashamed when I even start to think about it, because it's something I did a long time ago that I shouldn't have done and was really bad. I've been carrying around the guilt from that for years, but don't want to say anything about it as it will only get me in trouble. Big trouble.