The Official ZD Jokes Thread

[SavageWizzrobe]

I have a music theory one...

A D, an F, and an A walk into a bar. The bartender checks their IDs, and asks the F to leave because he's a minor. The D and A then have a fifth between them.

 

[Beauts]

With Miliband, Farage and Clegg resigning, politicians are literally resigning left right and centre

 

[LinkIsSexy]

Matt Smith's departure from Doctor Who.

 

[Dan]

You eat a cookie, lick a cookie what do you get?

A hookie!

 

[Mercedes]

Ever since my dad became a mime I haven't heard from him.

 

[Triforce King]

 

[Johnny Sooshi]

What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[Dan]

How many apples does it take to anger a dog?

563 + 1 orange

 

[Triforce King]

That what she said!

 

[Batman]

A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past some condoms.

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'.

'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.

'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6, and 12?'.

'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'And the packs of 6?'

'Those are for 21 year olds. 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday.'

'And what are the packs of 12 for?'

'The packs of 12, my son, are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March...'

 

[Dan]

A forklift says to a car "What's humming" the car replies "Nothing just drinking some juice"

 

[12345]

What are black, white, and red all over?

Spoiler: Answer

Mutilated penguins and orcas.

 

[Batman]

I started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction (ED).

It was a total flop. Nobody came.

 

[Batman]

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to...

Spoiler

...reverse and leaving the scene.

 

[Dan]

A blind man walks into a bar and says "How are you all"
To which the bar keeper replies "Fine thanks"