The Official ZD Jokes Thread

[Zelda18]

1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.

2. Gravity, it's not just a good idea...it's THE LAW!!

3. Energizer bunny arrested; Charged with battery.

 

[Batman]

I have degrees in Politics, Sociology, and Psychology.

I don't have a job, but at least I know why.

 

[Mercedes]

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

 

[Zelda18]

I used to like my neighbors...until they put a password on their wifi

 

[Batman]

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

 

[Naruko]

When I went to see this man perform live, I nearly passed out I was laughing so hard. The look on his face when we began to yell back punchlines as a theater...Joke karaoke!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a77Dw3tNv8o This is one of my favorite jokes from Gabriel Iglesias.

 

[Wolf Sage]

liver

 

[Batman]

A toilet was stolen from a police station today.

It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.

 

[LinkIsSexy]

I could post some Zelda jokes, but I'd have to Link you to them.

(Thanks @InsomniacAttack)

 

[Justac00lguy]

A little boy caught his mom and dad doing the naughty. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!”

 

[Mipha]

Just wondering,why would someone be naughty then bake a cake in the living room?

 

[Sheik]

Just wondering,why would someone be naughty then bake a cake in the living room?

Yeah... I don't think you understood the joke.

 

[Mipha]

Nope. I did not.

 

[Azure Sage]

A man and his wife go to the hospital to deliver the wife's baby. Upon their arrival, the doctor tells them that they have a new machine that can transfer some of the mother's labor pains to the father. They both agree to try it. The doctor cranks the machine up to 10%, but the husband isn't feeling anything. The machine is turned up to 20%, and then 30%. Still, the husband feels nothing. They turn the machine all the way to 100%. The husband is totally fine and the wife is able to deliver a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

When they got home from the hospital, they found their mailman dead on the front porch.

 

[Mercedes]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.