The Official ZD Jokes Thread

[Mellow Ezlo]

I was gonna tell a boxing joke, but I ultimately decided against it. It had no punchline.

Haha kek lelel I'm funneh xDDDDDDDDDDD

 

[Libk]

Tristan. That's another one I thought of

 

[Dio]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

[Dan]

A man walking into a shop and asks "have you got any clocks" to which the store clerk replies "yes they are on that shelf behind you".

 

[Triforce King]

 

[DJ Twitch]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

Spoiler

A pilot, you racist!

 

[Dio]

So today I get pulled over for speeding
The policeman gets out of his car, comes up to me and asks 'Can I see your license please??
So I say I dont have one.
He asks to see my insurance.
I tell him I dont have any.
He asks to look in my car boot.
I tell him he can't as there is a dead body in the boot.
The policeman then calls for backup.

When the backup arrives I show them my licence and insurance. And they find no body in the boot.

'I bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding too' I say to them.

 

[Dio]

Relationships are a walk in the park...

Jurassic Park

 

[Dio]

Why do the Lannister's have such big beds?

Because they push two twins together to make a king.

 

[Dio]

A couple of Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.

To my horror they were right. We had 6 matching balls.

 

[Kylo Ken]

****, Marry, Kill

A McChicken sandwhich
Harambe
Yourself

 

[Dio]

Wife: I cant believe you. Why would you do this. Your porn addiction is ruining our marriage

Husband:Yeah you too. You read that 50 shades of grey ****. That is basically porn.

Wife: That book has a story line to it!

Husband:Yeah same here. This busty MIlF cant afford to pay the plumber.

 

[Dio]

Today a feminist asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships.

Apparently 'in HD' was not the right answer.

 

[Feverish]

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of my penis?

Let's find out. A one, a two, a three, *crunch*

 

[Dio]

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?...
Gloves!

No just kidding. He still hasn't been able to unwrap his present.