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General Art The Demon of the Shadows

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
Hello there everybody! I feel like I want to write another series. I'm not finished with Adventure to Skyloft and will post a chapter of each every other day. So one day will be this, then Adventure to Skyloft, and then repeat. Thank you for reminding me Atsuma. This story is rated PG-13 for violence, blood and gore, language, sexual content and alcohol reference. Without farther Adieu, let's begin this new story!

Prologue​

A large room was occupied by many people, all sitting around a large table. Their only forms of light were candles and torches placed around the walls and on the table which flickered and threatened to go out multiple times. Nobody ate, drank and told merry tales, no, they all looked from one person to the other.

One of them was a Templar.

A Templar; an organization wishing to bring order through human enslavement. Nobody else at the table wanted to meet such a fate. From a blonde-haired woman with rosy cheeks, to a bald-headed portly man – with a gut reaching past his share of the space under the table – all were wary. This entire meeting was not called by choice; ignoring it meant death.

Slowly a middle-aged man stood up. He was the only one with a glass of wine in his hand. His blonde hair was slicked back and his golden robe showed that he lived well above the others at the table. On his shoulder was a red cross; the insignia of a Templar.

“Thank you everyone!” He greeted as he took a sip of his wine. Nobody said anything for a moment, but he didn’t seem to notice. “You must all be wondering why I called this meeting.” He pointed to the group on his left, “Friends,” He pointed to his right, “Family. We are united by our bonds, and it is time we grow closer together and you join the Templar’s.”

Once again, nobody said anything for a very long time. The Templar surprised that nobody responded, awkwardly stood and looked around.

“Templar, you have made a grave mistake.” A voice said. The Templar glanced around, his eyes portraying bewilderment and fear.

“Assassin?” He asked. His cheeks grew red with anger – and embarrassment. “Assassin, show your face!”

His command wasn’t answered by the Assassin, but everyone else did. People, terrified, ran for the door. The Templar tried his best to block their path; hoping to salvage what was once a Templar initiation – even if it was against their will. The flames that kept the room well-lit began to flicker again. Screams of fright echoed around the walls and people pushed, shoved, and even kicked, other people out of the way.

The meeting was clearly over, leaving the Templar and the Assassin all alone.

“Assassin, you dare ruin this, and yet you still feel the need to kill me?” He bellowed anger evident in his voice. All of the fear and embarrassment had quickly subsided as he drew out a large sword – the same sword he was going to threaten his guests with.

The candle near the Templar went out.

“Are you trying to scare me?” The Templar asked. “I do not feel fear, even if you are a Demon of the Shadows.”

The torch above his head flickered out, leaving part of the room in absolute darkness.

“Trying to increase your kingdom of the Dark? I will never beg for my life like you want me to, I am a proud Templar, and I will kill you!” He yelled, but fear was obvious in his voice now.

He saw a blur of motion as the torch to the far end of the room went out.

“Aha! Assassin, I know where you are!” He called, feeling triumphant.

A loud hissing noise was heard before the Templar let out a screech of pain. In his right leg was a throwing knife, blood trickled out of the wound. The Templar – clearly insane at this point – took the knife out of his leg and held it above him. “I will not fall victim to your cheap tricks!” He yelled, feeling far more triumphant than before. He didn’t notice the open wound was releasing blood at an almost alarming rate.

The final candle went out, bathing the Templar in darkness. It wasn’t so dark that he couldn’t make out objects; he just couldn’t find his way to the door – which was his new goal. The combined difficulty of it being dark, and the open wound made getting to the door next to impossible.

Something fell on the disoriented Templar, and disappeared seconds later.

Cause of death of the Templar: two knives to the throat.

People in the streets of Paris could see a figure on top of a tall building on the water. The Parisians watched in intrigue as the figure jumped off the top and dove into the water.

The figure was not seen after that for a long time.​
 
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*M i d n a*

Æsir Scribe
Joined
Aug 18, 2009
Location
*Midgard*
Gender
Entity
Looking great so far, my brother. I found a tiny typo, and you also forgot to rate this. :P

It's just a typo, the story opening was great, hope you keep it going.

He command wasn’t answered by the Assassin (I think it's His)
 

Justeazy

Todo is the pfuf!
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
A large room was occupied by many people, all sitting around a large table. Their only forms of light were candles and torches placed around the walls and on the table which flickered and threatened to go out multiple times. Nobody ate, drank and told merry tales, no, they all looked from one person to the other.
Large twice in the first sentence. Repeated adjectives sound droll, especially in the same sentence. Suggestion would be to replace the first "large" with expansive, wide open, etc.
The bolded word "and": since you're using a negative (nobody) it should be "or" or "nor" (if you use "or" keep the sentence as-is, if you use "nor" remove the "no, " farther down that sentence).
One of them was a Templar.

A templar; an organization wishing to bring order through human enslavement. Nobody else at the table wanted to meet such a fate. From a blonde-haired woman with rosy cheeks, to a bald-headed portly man – with a gut reaching past his share of the space under the table – all were wary. This entire meeting was not called by choice; ignoring it meant death.
All uses of "Templar" should be capitalized.
A Templar is a unit in the organization; the Knights Templar is the organization itself. The bolded sentence should be adjusted accordingly. (Assuming you're using the Knights Templar here on Earth that we have as your refrence, if this is your own made-up society, then it's your call.)

That last sentence sounds a little confusing, but there is nothing inherently wrong with it. I'll read on and maybe come back to it.
Slowly a middle-aged man stood up. He was the only one with a glass of wine in his hand. His blonde hair was slicked back and his golden robe showed that he lived well above the others at the table. On his shoulder was a red cross; the insignia of a Templar.

“Thank you everyone!” He greeted as he took a sip of his wine. Nobody said anything for a moment, but he didn’t seem to notice. “You must all be wondering why I called this meeting.” He pointed to the group on his left, “Friends,” He pointed to his right, “Family. We are united by our bonds, and it is time we grow closer together and you join the Templar’s.”
Should be a comma after "slowly". The second sentence is fine, but saying "He alone had a glass of red wine in his hand." would add a bit more depth and detail, as well as tying the color in with his red cross. Also, at the mention of the red cross I'm sure you're referring to the Knights Templar.
I'm not sure if you mean he literally pointed, but the more common thing to say for what I believe you're describing would be "he gestured to his left...".
Last sentence, "grow" might be "grew", though it's dialogue and you could be giving him a unique dialect. But what I see so far it's sounding like he's a refined gentlemen, so nominally he would speak the most correct English.
Also, back to the last sentence above. It said the "meeting was not called by choice". The old man called it, apparently, but that first sentence makes it sound like nobody called it.
Once again, nobody said anything for a very long time. The Templar surprised that nobody responded, awkwardly stood and looked around.

“Templar, you have made a grave mistake.” A voice said. The Templar glanced around, his eyes portraying bewilderment and fear.

“Assassin?” He asked. His cheeks grew red with anger – and embarrassment. “Assassin, show your face!”
Should be a comma after the "Templer" in the first sentence.
Ooh, Assassin's Creed story?
His command wasn’t answered by the Assassin, but everyone else did. People, terrified, ran for the door. The Templar tried his best to block their path; hoping to salvage what was once a Templar initiation – even if it was against their will. The flames that kept the room well-lit began to flicker again. Screams of fright echoed around the walls and people pushed, shoved, and even kicked, other people out of the way.
That first sentence doesn't make sense, but are you saying that Altair/whatever didn't respond, but everyone panicked? Should be re-worded something like "His command wasn't answered by the assassin; everyone panicked."
In the last sentence, I believe "and people pushed..." should be "as people pushed...".
Also, you capitalized "assassin"? Are you making that his name/assumed name? (just curious)
The meeting was clearly over, leaving the Templar and the Assassin all alone.

“Assassin, you dare ruin this, and yet you still feel the need to kill me?” He bellowed anger evident in his voice. All of the fear and embarrassment had quickly subsided as he drew out a large sword – the same sword he was going to threaten his guests with.
"He bellowed anger..." should be either "His bellowed anger..." or "He bellowed, anger...".
Nothing wrong with the last part, but it would frame the situation better if you said "the same sword he had planned to threaten his guests with."
The candle near the Templar went out.

“Are you trying to scare me?” The Templar asked. “I do not feel fear, even if you are a Demon of the Shadows.”

The torch above his head flickered out, leaving part of the room in absolute darkness.
:yes:
“Trying to increase your kingdom of the Dark? I will never beg for my life like you want me to, I am a proud Templar, and I will kill you.” He yelled, but fear was obvious in his voice now.
If he's yelling, shouldn't you use an exclamation point? Or am I analyzing the mood wrong?
He saw a blur of motion as the torch to the far end of the room went out.

“Aha! Assassin, I know where you are!” He called, feeling triumphant.

A loud hissing noise was heard before the Templar let out a screech of pain. In his right leg was a throwing knife, blood trickled out of the wound. The Templar – clearly insane at this point – took the knife out of his leg and held it above him. “I will not fall victim to your cheap tricks!” He yelled, feeling far more triumphant than before. He didn’t notice the open wound was releasing blood at an almost alarming rate.

The final candle went out, bathing the Templar in darkness. It wasn’t so dark that he couldn’t make out objects; he just couldn’t find his way to the door – which was his new goal. The combined difficulty of it being dark, and the open wound made getting to the door next to impossible.
Good, but it may be better to say "and his wounded leg made getting to the door...", since it would make walking harder than any generic wound.
Something fell on the disoriented Templar, and disappeared seconds later.

Cause of death of the Templar: two knives to the throat.

People in the streets of Paris could see a figure on top of a tall building isolated by water. The Parisians watched in intrigue as the figure jumped off the top and dove into the water.

The figure was not seen after that for a long time.​
I don't like that cause of death line, but there's nothing really wrong with it. As far as the last sentence, I'm not too educated in my ancient Paris geography, but to my knowledge there are no buildings isolated by water. Sounds more like Venice to me. Also, is "Parisians" what they're really called?

This is just personal opinion, but I don't like the phrases "once again", and "all alone".
</criticism>

Nice story. Pretty good opening; let's see where it goes.
 

Jedizora

:right:
Joined
Feb 25, 2010
Cool, A AC story. What time period is this? Will The assin be one we already know, (Altlair, Ezio, Al Mulian, ect.) or will we see ones that have appeared, but not as the main character?
 

Keyari

翼のエルフ
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Location
Rivendell, Middle Earth
Wow, this is a very good prologue. I like the amount of detail, very nice. I have to say, my brother was playing a game while I was reading this, so when the lights went out in the story, I heard these creepy giggles in the background. That was pretty scary. :P

Great job Ganondork! I can't wait to see how this story develops!
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
Thank you for all the comments everybody! That's what really helps me keep writing! I hope you guys like the next chapter! ;)

Chapter 1: On the Run​

The Assassin landed gracefully and swam for shore. He made as little noise as possible – as an Assassin that was an easy job. He got to a part of the shore where a small flight of stairs were erected. He put his arms on the lowest step and looked around. In front of him were four courtesans. “Hello there ladies.” He said as smooth as he could.

The four women had blonde hair – as all women in Paris did – and wore dresses. The top was obvious removed due to the large amount of cleavage showing. “Oh, Valten, it’s you. Madame Monessa would like to have a word with you, just as long as the job went well.”

“He is dead.” Valten said as he hoisted himself out of the water.

The courtesan put her hand on his chest. “What a strong man. Give me a few coins and I’ll make it worth your while.”

He put his index finger on her chin and smiled. “Maybe another day, belle

She giggled at the compliment and kissed him on the cheek before he turned and left. As he walked away he could hear her say something to one of the other courtesans.

“I would have probably done it for free.”

***​

Valten arrived at Madame Monessa’s place; a brothel. He knocked on the door and then slowly turned the knob. He walked in to a lovely place; curtains around every window and a grand flight of stairs. In the center of the stairs was a velvet red carpet. An average sized woman walked down the stairs and smiled. Her blonde hair was far more exquisite than that of many other women and her body was no different. “Madame Monessa.” Valten said as he kissed her once on each cheek.

“Ah, Valten, your visits always seem to be worth my while. Is he dead?” She asked as she put her hands on his shoulders.

“Yes. He shall not bring another Templar into this world.” Valten replied.

“I’m so happy right now I could kiss you!” She said happily.

“What is stopping you, Madame?” The Assassin said coolly.

She leaned in, but was abruptly cut off. “Madame!” A courtesan called. “It seems that Monsieur Swain has come out of hiding!”

Madame Monessa stopped immediately. “He is?”

The courtesan nodded.

“Valten, I need you to go North and kill him.” She commanded.

“Why, Madame? What has this man done?” He asked.

“He is the Duke of the Poor District of Paris. When he heard bad things were said about him, he raised taxes greatly. We have recently found out that he is a Templar.” She replied.

Valten nodded simply.

“Do not fail; you are our greatest Assassin.” She told him as he walked out the door.

“No Madame, you are.”

***​

Valten realized that he was obviously wanted for killing the Templar so he kept to moving by the rooftops. Hopping from each rooftop to the next was a lot easier than weaving through the busy streets of Paris. A lone guard stood on a rooftop a few meters from the Assassin. “Hey! Get down right now!” The guard called. “Don’t make me shoot!” He warned as he pulled out a bow. He took out an arrow and strung his bow. It whizzed past Valten’s ear and he immediately dropped off the roof – or so the guard believed. He hung onto the tiles for dear life and moved along the side of the building.

He waited for the guard to look away and he bolted up the roof. As he ran, he let the two hidden blades under his sleeve retract out of their mechanical holster. The guard continued walking and the Assassin snuck up behind him, draped his right hand over the guard’s mouth and stuck his hidden blade into his back. The guard staggered, and Valten grabbed the corpse and laid it down gently.

***​

The rooftops ended and Valten had to step down and walk amongst the crowd. He blended as best as he could, but the customary Assassin white robe made him stick out. Keeping his hood up was the best way to keep the guards from seeing his face. As he walked, a group of guards glanced over. “Hey you, man in the white robe! Come over here right now.” The shortest of the guards called out. Valten walked over – but not without secretly taking the hidden blades out.

“What is it you need, sir?” Valten asked in the most polite tone he could muster.

“We’re looking for an Assassin. He wears a robe much like yours. He’s wanted for killing an innocent man; you wouldn’t happen to know him, would you?” The guard asked suspiciously.

“No sir I’ve never heard of such a man.” Valten replied calmly.

“Really, because I think you’re full of ****.” The guard said as he pushed Valten back. Valten didn’t do anything for a moment, and then he stepped forward and put both hidden blades into the guard; one in the stomach and the other in the back of the neck. The guard fell down immediately; dead. The Assassin turned around and ran for his life; he was outnumbered one to three and he wasn’t going to win a fight in such a heavily populated area.

He turned around for a moment and threw three throwing knives. One hit a guard in the head, another in the chest, and the final in the leg. The last living guard limped after him shouting “Assassin! Help, we need backup!”

Valten looked back and what were three guards before became twenty.

If he didn’t escape the guard’s clutches, he would be dead for sure.​
 
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