It's just like, it seems like "showing your appreciation" tends to be this really self-centered and "ass covering" relationships must be conducted like a business deal or math equation that is balanced at the end coupled with a fake, manners politeness. While on the other side, the other person didn't do the thing to be appreciated, I assume. And if they did do it for recognition, appreciation, or whatever, then like, they weren't doing it for me really, I just happened to benefit.
So like, honestly, I'd rather not show appreciation because then, I'm on some level acknowledging that our relationship goes beyond some sort of "you give me this so I give you that" business arrangement and I like it when I'm in that sort of relationship even if it isn't an equal one, because then at least it isn't fake or predicated entirely on the goods and services we provide each other.
And then on the other hand, if they're just doing it for recognition and appreciation and they don't get that, then I'll find out really quick and so will they so we both can dial down our expectations of what the relationship is going to be. And if they're not doing it for recognition and appreciation, then my lack of acknowledgement towards it and lack of reward allows it to really be something that was done from pure good-will and love.
Like, a good-deed, a kind-word, a thoughtful moment, is its own reward to everyone involved. I don't understand why we must highlight it with some sort of "conversation", picture, or acknowledgement rather than live in it genuinely.
And don't get me wrong, I send thank you cards for gifts, services, etc. But I hate it. I hate that I live in that sort of world where I must acknowledge in writing, by word, or by action that something was good or pleasant or appreciated. Of course it was. That's why, if I do bother to write an actually heart-felt "thank you letter", I try to pour so much of the feelings I have for that person or their action into it, that it becomes a gift in itself. <--note, I've written...maybe...maybe four of these types of letters in my entire life so far. The rest have been polite acknowledgements.
Like, maybe this is all because of my family relationship, but like, the only people in my life right now who I would say are deserving of appreciation are my parents and siblings. But like, the thing is, they didn't do all that stuff big and small for me to get appreciated...and I didn't do all the stuff I did for them to be appreciated...and our relationships are by no means equal in what we give and take...and it's just ****ing weird to spend any length of time trying to show it. It shows in the fiber of our relationships.
As for friends, I mean...I don't really feel like any of my friends give me very much besides their companionship to be appreciated. (Not to belittle that, I like having people around to some extent.) But I wouldn't say more than my two best friends are "there for me" really. Most of them just ****post with me and it's rare they're genuinely available for my needs. So I don't really need to show them appreciation, and if I did, I wouldn't really because that's not the ideal relationship to have.
The flip side of all that, is that I'm quite regularly the person who is significant and important in my friends' lives/ the one they confide in and listen to, and get something from. And because of the world I live in, I'm constantly getting "appreciated" or told how great, lovely, and awesome I am. And it has this really corrosive effect.
Like, I didn't listen to them about their lives, offer advice, or go to bat for them against other people and cut a ***** for token appreciation or even so they'd someday do the same for me. I did it because that's what you do, everyone deserves to have someone like that in their life, especially if you're calling yourself their friend.
And it has this really mind warping effect where it makes you think you're an unassailable good person because you listened to someone and were sincere for an hour and gave your best, most thoughtful advice. It makes you think you're something really special and awesome, so no one can ever tell you that you were bad or mean, because this one time you stayed up late or whatever. And it makes you start holding it above them in this weird way. And it even makes you start to have to behave in like this "caretaker, person who is worthy of appreciation" way that's so fake and bull**** that as your caring, goodness, and thoughtfulness rises, your sincerity goes down. And you start to worry that you shouldn't say stuff to them because it might be the final straw and they'll be devastated or hurt themselves, or whatever. And as that thought starts floating around, you begin to feel like you cannot leave, or let them go, or let them make mistakes, because it's your job to be there, fix them, etc. It's all just pretty terrible and it starts from this admittedly well-intended idea that you have to say thank you, show appreciation, show that you care.
So against the grain of this entire thread, don't show appreciation. Don't find tokens. Don't bother with that shallowness. Don't strive to be appreciated or to be good at showing appreciation. Just exist in your relationships with others. Learn to be comfortable with unequal relationships. Learn to be comfortable being the person who gets everything and gives nothing really. Learn to be comfortable being the person who gives everything and gets nothing. Be thoughtful and loving, but don't "show it". Let it show as it will without thought or artifice.
It will do so if you do actually feel that. And if you don't, you aren't some sort of monster failing spectacularly. They didn't do it for the card, and if they did, then they should guzzle a dick.
