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General Art Harley's Story.

blue-eyes

Phoenix
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Location
Among the stars
So, here it is! (I could not think of a name.)
Chapter 1​

Harley threw a knife, impaling it only millimeters from the spot she had been aiming for. She was standing in the middle of a clearing, practicing her aim. She had long brown hair and brown eyes. Her dull green tunic had many leather pockets near the waist and shoulder. One of the pockets was empty. They usually held most of her throwing and combat knives, but she also had one hidden in a secret mechanism in her sleeve.

Whoosh! Another knife impaled itself next to the other. Then three more, all in a period of four seconds. Crack! Harley spun to her left and threw a knife into the tree next to the sound.

“AHH!” a voice yelled, and Harley laughed.

“If you don’t want me to throw knives at you, then don’t sneak up on me,” she said, a smile on her face as Bryce, her childhood friend, emerged from the treeline. He had short brown hair and light blue eyes, was the same age as Harley, 14, and was wearing a brown tunic, with his special staff slung across his back.

He removed the knife from the tree and handed it to her. She slid it into a pocket near her right shoulder and started pulling out the 5 other knives. “So, why did you come?” she asked, after sliding all her knives into their pockets.

“Tae asked me to come find you. I think she wanted to have lunch,” Bryce said, and he started walking toward the spot he had emerged from, Harley behind him.
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“Thanks again Tae,” Harley said, looking at her friend. Tekara, know as Tae by her friends, had dark brown hair pulled back into two braids, and was wearing a short pale green dress, brown leather boots, and had a silver pendant with a single green stone in it. She also had her twin curved daggers and a longbow with her, both family heirlooms. The daggers had groves in the blades, handles wrapped in soft leather, and her longbow had many intricate designs on it, and was strung, as usual.

“Welcome,” Tekara said quietly, as she usually did. She had made lunch for Harley, Bryce, and herself, and they were both grateful. Bryce had left for his house. Harley and Tekara were walking toward the same clearing Harley was at earlier, and they were almost at the treeline when a figure jumped from one of the trees, a serious expression on his normally happy face. He had short brown hair and blue eyes, and he was around 10.

“Your father is dead,” Will said, looking at Harley.
 
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Raindrop14

Soldier for Christ!
Joined
Jan 29, 2011
Location
E-Arth
Ooh, you left us at a cliff hanger! Not fair!XD It was a very good chapter. Can't wait to read more and find out when my character comes in!:D
 

Myriadviper42

Fulcrum Agent
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Location
Control
o.o
Wow, strong already. Started off strong, you moved more smoothly than in some of your other fanfics. Good job.
 

Keyari

翼のエルフ
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Location
Rivendell, Middle Earth
Wow, this is really good so far, I agree with Myriad, a strong start!

This story is definitely going somewhere, I will push you to finish it, especially since its for your friend. ^^

Great job, and YAY! Tae joins the fun. :D

Keep up the great work!
~Ki
 
Joined
Apr 16, 2010
Nice first chapter. The description wasn't over the top, but it got 'er done, and I had a nice vision of the scene, so good work there. I caught some things:
blue-eyed-beast said:
“AHH!” a voice yelled, and Harley laughed.

“If you don’t want me to throw knives at you, then don’t sneak up on me,” she said, a smile on her face as Bryce, her childhood friend, emerged from the treeline. He had short brown hair and light blue eyes, was the same age as Harley, 14, and was wearing a brown tunic, with his special staff slung across his back.

He removed the knife from the tree and handed it to her. She slid it into a pocket near her right shoulder and started pulling out the 5 other knives. “So, why did you come?” she asked, after sliding all her knives into their pockets.
“Thanks again Tae,” Harley said, looking at her friend. Tekara, know as Tae by her friends, had dark brown hair pulled back into two braids, and was wearing a short pale green dress, brown leather boots, and had a silver pendant with a single green stone in it. She also had her twin curved daggers and a longbow with her, both family heirlooms. The daggers had grooves in the blades, handles wrapped in soft leather, and her longbow had many intricate designs on it, and was strung, as usual.

Also, typing the actual number instead of writing it out is considered informal, but it's alright, just something to consider.;)

This is going good. I'll sign up in a minute.
 

PK Love Omega

PK Flash's Good Twin
Joined
Jul 28, 2011
Location
In a forest
Agreed with Hero Of Time, who is doing my post.

I agree, the grammar and vocabulary isn't very strong. The description could of been a lot better, and we only know that your in a forest, and that is only possible, as the only evidence is the trees. It could of been an active volcano, or a deserted island, but you didn't even tell us that.

And, said and the is very bad words for using over and over is bad. Don't get off track and stay on chain, and also try using different openings, like adverbs and not articles like 'The'

Don't do one draft and leave it as that. It looks like you did it in five minutes.
 

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