- Joined
- Sep 23, 2013
- Location
- United States
At first, I thought the people on here were using Rule 63 Ganon avatars. Turns out it was Agus. <<;
Ok, where do I begin? I want to make this short and to the point but I tend to never do that. *sigh* It seems everyone is doing a better job in X and Y. I do my very best to EV Train, IV Breed, perfect item usage, moveset, everything to guarantee my victory and to this day I still don't have a single win in the competitive. Hell I am already getting bullied by people who beat me and tell me that I should have never bought XY.
Do you know how much pain it gives to hear people tell me off about the thing I am most passionate about. It's so ironic that the thing I love the most is the thing that gives me the most stress and main cause of my depression. Seriously, how I survived it all is beyond my belief. Everyday, I keep telling myself to just drown myself (because I always thought that it would be the form of death with the least amount of pain) and simply make everyone who hates me happy. At the same time, I have never been so scared to even think about those thoughts. Since the summer, I cried myself to sleep every night looking to find a way to get rid of the pain. I don't want to die, I just want the pain to go away, whatever the method. All I can say is that I'm blessed to still be alive to at least stay in the forums.
You all wanna know? Okay. Where do I start.
I lost my best friend. She doesn't trust me anymore, she'll avoid me, she'll call me names, she'll give me bad looks and most of all, she won't accept my apology. I give up. If she doesn't want to be with me, okay. I give up. I allow her to hate me. She says she's fine with it hating me, so I don't care. Even though it really hurts a lot. But she looks fine and happy without me. Happier. Painless. She said that I hurt her the most in her life. Maybe it's true. Maybe I treated her as a victim. Maybe to her, I'm a bully who hurts her feelings.
Second. The girl whom I dearly trust and depend the most is planning and trying to end herself. Which I really don't want that to happen. She thinks that it's her fault for everything. She hates herself. She despises herself. And she won't accept what I want to say to her. She really wants to end herself. She wants to overdose, and fall into sleep, and never wake up and see the life that she has. She doesn't trust her soul anymore. She's in pain. I want to stop her pain, but she's not accepting it. All I can do is just try and try until she's convinced. I don't want her to disappear. This girl remind me a lot about my best friend, so that's the main reason why I don't want her to be gone. She's tired of her life.
Third. I don't know how to live up expectations of adults. It's hard.
Fourth. I constantly feel nothing. Everyone in school reminds me of pain. The pain of regrets. The pain that I dumped on my old best friend.
I just want everything to be normal. But it's too late. It really is too late. I'm not gonna see them anymore, since all of year 6 students will be separated in secondary schools.
Sigh.
**** like. Seriously just **** it. The only reason I haven't jumped from the student union is because I refuse to let anyone else be hurt because of me.
I didn't answer my phone at all last night because it was off and a few people thought I'd died...
My life is spinning out of control