I've been here for less than a year, I've made friends, I've become a part of something I could nearly consider a family, I've talked to some people from here on Skype. This place has become a home for me, more of a home than the roof over my head. I feel like I've made a mistake coming here. Interacting socially has always been hard for me and I know I tend to say something that will ruin a conversation and I am unable to start a good conversation on my own. I thought that maybe here it would be different, but I feel it's been getting worse. The worst part is that now people care about me and I don't know how to be a friend to them. I feel like I'm failing, I feel like I'm butting in every time I say something. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't leave because there is nothing for me anywhere else, but the longer I stay the more I feel like I'm intruding. I know I should take a break, but I already have trouble staying away from this place for a few hours and not feeling lonely. I don't really have any irl friends who seem to care, they often forget about me and when I do hang with them it obvious that I annoy them. I guess either way I seem to feel lonely. I can't find my place anymore, I've never been able to find my place. I don't know what there is after this, but I can't see a happy option. My life has been marked by failure after failure, there is
no motivation to do anything but fail anymore.
I'm scared of not knowing what I plan on doing to help myself out of this situation, it would be so much easier if I could just go up to somebody who could help and ask them for advice. But I can't waste anybody else's time on me for them to only fail. It's kind of funny how I'm more comfortable bringing things like this up to random people on the internet than I am with a school counselor or something like that, isn't it? I guess it's because I can't see the look of disappointment on your faces. Maybe that's why I love this place so much, because I can just pretend like there's nothing wrong. I can pretend like there is nothing wrong without having to lie...without having to put a fake smile on my face.