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The Official ZD Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Batman
- Start date
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2015
Three guys are in Aspen to ski. That night, they found out that they've botched their reservation and got only one bed.
Being the best buds they are, they decided to share the bed.
The next morning...
Guy on the left: I dreamed myself having an awesome handjob.
Guy on the right: Yeah, me too! I had the best handjob ever in my dream!
Guy in the middle: Man, you lucky "bleep"-s, I only got to dream myself skiing.
Being the best buds they are, they decided to share the bed.
The next morning...
Guy on the left: I dreamed myself having an awesome handjob.
Guy on the right: Yeah, me too! I had the best handjob ever in my dream!
Guy in the middle: Man, you lucky "bleep"-s, I only got to dream myself skiing.
Triforce King
Pathfinder for life
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2011
Triforce King
Pathfinder for life
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2011
The blonde ones never get old so it seems...
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25
Batman
Not all those who wander are lost...
The mental image this generates before you reach the punch line is quite disturbing.
Batman
Not all those who wander are lost...
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator. 
DARK MASTER
The Emperor
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2010
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People often use the term 'Chivalry' incorrectly.
I looked up the code of chivalry and there is one part about being respectful to women, the rest is about battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't hold the door open for a lady and she said to me 'I guess chivalry is dead' so I challenged her to a duel.
It turns out Chivalry is alive. It's that woman who is dead.
I looked up the code of chivalry and there is one part about being respectful to women, the rest is about battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't hold the door open for a lady and she said to me 'I guess chivalry is dead' so I challenged her to a duel.
It turns out Chivalry is alive. It's that woman who is dead.