Last person to post wins

[OGSniper]

I actually really like the story. No, like really really like. It has all of the essential elements and more for a great tale. The only thing I found odd was the intro with the narrator. Will your whole story have a narrator? I know that you have to explain a bit about the predicament, but the narration is throwing me off a lil' bit. Maybe if the father was thinking in his head about the current events they are facing.

 

[MightyMario]

I’m glad you enjoyed the prologue!

What do you mean by narration? That’s how most stories are written: in third person perspective.

 

[OGSniper]

That’s how most stories are written: in third person perspective.

Ye

What do you mean by narration?

The first paragraph is what I am talking about. I dont know, I feel like something is off. (It could just be me.) The first paragraph just doesnt seem to flow well with the rest. Give me a minute to think about what I am trying to tell you.

 

[MightyMario]

Ye

The first paragraph is what I am talking about. I dont know, I feel like something is off. (It could just be me.) The first paragraph just doesnt seem to flow well with the rest. Give me a minute to think about what I am trying to tell you.

Is it too long? Should it be split up?

 

[Chevywolf:30]

I think my post has been quoted in the thread Last person to post wins.

Is it too long? Should it be split up?

Nah it's fine idk what Sniper's talking about.

 

[OGSniper]

Is it too long? Should it be split up?

The thing that is bothering me is, who is the narrator? Is he needed? The narrator part just feels out of place. There is no need for a narrator unless he is telling the story. I think that you should take the important parts of the first paragraph (Plot, Dilemma, Destination) and have the father "explain" what is going on in their world, in his head and/or have him discuss stuff with his wife.

Think about Aladdin, the guy with camel in the beginning is the narrator and He is telling the story. We now know who he is and that he is going to be saying the story.

Any time I have to write something for school, I try to play it in my head like a movie. I had trouble with the beginning because there was a narrator and I didnt know who he was.

Let me know if I need to elaborate.

I probably need to.

 

[Chevywolf:30]

The thing that is bothering me is, who is the narrator? Is he needed? The narrator part just feels out of place. There is no need for a narrator unless he is telling the story. I think that you should take the important parts of the first paragraph (Plot, Dilemma, Destination) and have the father "explain" what is going on in their world, in his head and/or have him discuss stuff with his wife.

Think about Aladdin, the guy with camel in the beginning is the narrator and He is telling the story. We now know who he is and that he is going to be saying the story.

Any time I have to write something for school, I try to play it in my head like a movie. I had trouble with the beginning because there was a narrator and I didnt know who he was.

Let me know if I need to elaborate.

I probably need to.

But there's not a narrator?? He's just setting the scene like any other story would.

 

[OGSniper]

But there's not a narrator?? He's just setting the scene like any other story would.

There is a narrator. He is explaining what is happening in the first paragraph.

 

[OGSniper]

Who is explaining the beginning?

 

[OGSniper]

Either have a confirmed narrator, or you could do what I suggested.

 

[OGSniper]

Someone is definitely explaining the beginning. But it isnt clear who is.

 

[MightyMario]

@OGSniper

It’s written in the third person perspective, OG. This is commonplace in many stories, both nonfiction and fiction.

First person perspective uses terms like I and me, and sounds like a character is narrating directly to the reader.

Third person perspective uses an unseen narrator relating information about the events.

Here’s an example of first person:

“Eddy and I went to the candy store to get some sweet Jawbreakers. Unfortunately, Kevin chased us because Eddy took a quarter from him. We ended up with wedgies past our earlobes!”

And here’s an example of third person:

“Double D and Eddy approached the candy store with money in hand, but Kevin chased after the duo on his bike to get back his stolen quarter. When he finally caught them, Eddy and Double D had their underpants stretched to their heads.”

 

[OGSniper]

I understand what you are saying. I just find the first paragraph to be a little out of place for a third person story. That is all. I am just trying to pinpoint the exact thing that is nagging me. But then again, I am not good writer like you and Chevs. I mean, if Chevs thinks its good and you are satisfied with your work then continue. As I said, I am not an avid writer, so I am kinda in a place where my opinion shouldnt be weighed as much as someone who is an expert in the field. But I do look forward to reading more of your story.

 

[MightyMario]

The first paragraph explains the character’s situation and describes each of the family and their actions. I don’t see how it’s out of place.

 

[OGSniper]

One question. Is there a narrator?