onebizarrekai
gay energy
Well, actually, Saria is a Kokiri so we don't know how old she is (and on top of that she has a terrible temper) and Link just learns from her. Yeah, Navi doesn't really approve of that but it happens. But anyway, sorry bout the cussing, it's just there. At least it's nothing inappropriate. (Don't worry, you'll never see that) The title has remained ever since the beginning, and I don't really want to rename it now especially since I've come this far.
Sorry bout that
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 16: Stricken
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was slightly mature, Navi probably read her book a lot, Saria pwned witches and Nabooru was discovered as the Sage of Spirit.
Now for Chapter Sixteen.
Note: If you get bored of their Heart Piece collection, feel free to skip to when they get to Ganon’s Tower.
“So, we’re supposed to be spending this whole chapter getting Heart Pieces?” Navi asked, once they were teleported back to Desert Colossus.
“Yeah,” Saria replied. “Let’s not go to the Temple of Time yet. I have a feeling we’ll be running into Zelda or something, then she’ll get captured by Ganondorf and Link won’t want to get Heart Pieces anymore.”
“Yeah, but one problem: We have absolutely no idea where Heart Pieces are found!”
“I’m singing in the rain!” Link said after playing the Song of Storms.
“Don’t worry. Because it’s not part of the actual story, the authoress let me take a guide. Now, let’s take a look… Well, looks like we already got Heart Piece number one back in Chapter 2. The second one is at Lon Lon Ranch in the past.”
So Link played the Prelude of Light and went back in time and to the Lon Lon Ranch.
“Where?” Link asked.
“In that building over there,” Saria answered, pointing to a tall building over in the corner. They entered.
“Dude! It smells like cows in here!”
“That’s because there are cows in here,” Navi told Link.
“Oh. Look! Milk crates!” Link jumped on top of them and spotted something behind one of them. He pulled the crate out of the way to reveal a hole.
“Wow, and I didn’t even tell him that’s what he was supposed to do,” Saria stated.
Link crawled into the hole and found the Heart Piece in a small pile of hay.
Link got the fourth Heart Piece, forming a new Heart Container!
“Yay!” Link cheered, crawling out of the hole. “Where’s the next one?”
“Lost Woods,” Saria replied. She played the Minuet of Forest and they appeared at the Sacred Forest Meadow.
“Where?”
“Apparently we’re supposed to have a jam session with some Skull Kids a few times, near the beginning of the woods.”
-
-
“Found it!” Link exclaimed.
“Hello there!” one of the Skull Kids greeted. “What’s your name?”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m Hopper and that’s Jump Jump! We’re musical beings of the woods! Would you like to play with us?”
“Sure thing! I’d love to!” Link took out the Ocarina of Time. “What are we playing?”
“Stricken by Disturbed!”
“Wait, what?!”
Saria pushed Link out of the way with her ocarina out. She and the Skull Kids played quite nicely for a rock song on an ocarina and two flutes. The Deku Scrub up in the nearby tree with the target hanging from it was singing the lyrics.
“That was such a nice session, that we’re not going to make you do it four times to get a Heart Piece! Here! Take it!”
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“…*How the heck did you play Stricken by Disturbed on those instruments?” Link asked.
“Okay! 1 down three to go!” Saria said. She took out the guide again. “The next one is still here at the Lost Woods, right where we ran into Fado before.”
A few tunnels later, they were in the area. A Skull Kid was playing a flute on top of a tall stump. Saria stepped onto the shorter stump and played Saria’s Song. “Wow! You know Saria’s Song!” the Skull Kid exclaimed.
“Umm, I am Saria,” Saria told the Skull Kid.
“Cool! Let’s be friends! As a token of our friendship, take this!”
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“To think that these Heart Pieces were scattered all over the place and this easy to get,” Navi spoke.
“Two down two to go!” Saria stated. “Heart Piece number five is at the Goron City!”
-
-
“It’s in that giant spinning pot?” Link questioned.
“We’re supposed to throw a bomb into it when the happy face is facing us,” Navi said, looking at the paper.
Saria chucked a bomb into the pot and got it on her first try.
“Wow. Lucky shot.”
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“Three down one to go!” Saria spoke.
“Okay, Saria, stop doing that. It’s annoying,” Navi told her.
“I have to or else the authoress loses track. The sixth one is in Death Mountain Crater, only accessible in the future… Let’s just stick to ones in the past for now.”
“Are we going to try and get all of them?”
“No no, Link, we’re just getting 16, not all of them.”
“Why specifically 16? Because it’s the sixteenth chapter?”
“No, we were getting that many anyway. Weird coincidence. Oh! Now here’s an easy one! Number thirty three! All we have to do is go into this night time shop, pay ten rupees to play and then we can cheat with the Lens of Truth.”
“Cool.”
-
-
“Hey there, kids. You wanna play? Ten rupees,” the tattooed guy behind the desk asked.
“Sure,” Saria replied, putting down two blue rupees because yellow rupees did not yet exist.
“Take this key.”
Saria got a Small Key!
“Open up that door over there with it and you’ll be in another room with two treasure chests. One contains a key and the other doesn’t. If you can make it to the end, you get the prize.”
Saria went through the locked door. She grinned and took out the Lens of Truth, allowing her to see what was inside the chest.
Saria successfully got to the end and saw a chest. She opened it.
Saria got the fourth Heart Piece, forming a new Heart Container!
“Eight to go,” she said.
-
-
Since I no longer have the will to write out all of the other Heart Pieces they obtained, I’m just going to skip to once they get sixteen.
“Hey!” Saria yelled.
“Listen!” Link said, giggling.
“Shut up, Link.”
“Are you mocking me?” Navi asked.
Link took out the Ocarina of Time, “Let’s go to the Temple of Time now!” He played the Prelude of Light and they appeared there. Sheik was standing in front of the door. “Hi there, Sheik! You see, there’s supposed to be somebody waiting for us here at the Temple of Time, so--”
“I am that person, you idiot,” Sheik told him.
“Oh.”
“I have been waiting for hours. What took you so long!!”
“Well, Saria wanted to get Heart Pieces before we even came here.”
“Well, now I’m going to launch into this huge speech ripped almost straight from the game, except shorter. Link, the Hero of Time, you have overcome many hardships and awakened six Sages. And now you have a final challenge, a showdown with Ganondorf, the King of Evil. I am going to tell you another legend passed down by the Sheikah…”
“This is going to take forever…” Saria muttered.
“If you would seek the sacred triangle, listen well. The resting place of the sacred triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart, the heart of one who enters it. If an evil heart, the Realm will become full of evil; if pure, the Realm will become a paradise. The Triforce, the sacred triangle…*It is a balance that weighs the three forces: Power, Wisdom and Courage. If the heart of the one who holds the sacred triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one’s heart is not in balance, the Triforce will seperate into three parts: Power, Wisdom and Courage. Only one part will remain for the one who touched the Triforce, the part representing the force that the one most believes in. If that one seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the two lost parts. Those two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the back of whichever hand they use.
“Seven years ago, Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time and entered the Sacred Realm. But when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. Only the Triforce of Power remained in his hand.”
“And?” Link asked.
“The one who holds the Triforce of Courage is… You, Link!”
“Wait, what?” A Triforce mark suddenly appeared on Link’s left hand.
“Oh come on, since when has he ever been more courageous than me?” Saria complained.
“Saria, you’re the Sage of the Forest, remember?”
“Oh yeah.”
“And the other, who holds the Triforce of Wisdom…*is the seventh Sage, who is the destined to be the leader of them all…” Sheik held up his right hand and a Triforce mark appeared on it. There was a blinding flash of light and Sheik was gone, with a seventeen year old Zelda in his place. “It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda.”
“Holy crap, Sheik was Zelda this whole time?”
“Why did you ditch me when I was in the middle of my speech back in Chapter 2?”
“As I said before, nobody wants to read speeches ripped straight from the game.”
“Why were you disguised?” Link asked.
“I apologize for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil. Please forgive me…”
“Wait, but Ganondorf isn’t defeated yet, so do you really think it’s a good idea to turn back into Zelda?” Navi questioned.
“I saw you as I was escaping from the castle with my attendant, Impa.”
“Impa is your attendant? Since when?”
“Be quiet and let me finish. As long as you had the Ocarina in your possession, I thought Ganondorf could never enter the Sacred Realm, but…*something I could never expect happened… After you opened the Door of Time, the Master Sword sealed you away in the Sacred Realm. Your spirits remained in the Sacred Realm and then the Triforce fell into Ganondorf’s hands. He went on to invade the Sacred Realm…*Ganondorf had become the Evil King, and the Sacred Realm became a world of evil. All of this is an unfortunate coincidence. I passed myself off as a Sheikah and hoped that you would return. I waited for seven years…*It seemed to take forever for you to come back!”
“Well excuuuuuse me princess!” Link said, laughing.
“Shut up. You’re back now, so hopefully the dark age ruled by Ganondorf the Evil King will end. The six Sages will open the sealed door and lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm. I will then seal the door to the Sacred Realm from this world. Thus, Ganondorf the Evil King will vanish from Hyrule.”
“Can’t we just kill him?” Saria asked.
“No, because he has to come back in Wind Waker.”
“Oh. Dang it.”
“Now in order to banish Ganondorf from Hyrule, I need your courage again. Please protect me while I do my part. And here is a weapon that can penetrate the Evil King’s defenses… The power given to the chosen ones… The sacred Arrow of Light!” Zelda held her hands up and a yellow light began to glow between them.
Link got the Light Arrows!
“How do you know that these will work on Ganondorf?” Saria questioned.
“They’re evil destroying arrows.”
“So if we shoot one at Ganondorf he won’t be evil anymore?” Link asked.
“No, but they’ll stun him for a few seconds, giving you a chance to strike.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Suddenly the temple began to shake.
“That rumbling! It can’t be!” Zelda gasped. A pink crystal suddenly imprisoned her. Link put his hands on it.
“Muahahaha! I am evil!” Ganondorf’s voice laughed. “Princess Zelda, you foolish traitor! I commend you for avoiding my pursuit for seven long years!”
“How in the world does that make me a traitor?”
“I caught a video of you saying that you would join me!”
“Wait, what?”
“Well, I did have to do a bit of digital editing…”
“Oh, seriously--” Zelda’s crystal suddenly shot up into the air.
“Come back!” Link yelled. “I’m not done feeling the crystal!”
“If you want to rescue Zelda, come to my castle!” Ganondorf said, and Zelda’s crystal disappeared.
“Noooooo!”
“Let’s go burn Ganondorf!” Saria said.
“Yaaaaay!!”
“Are you two finally starting to take sugar again?” Navi asked.
“Yes. The authoress was getting sick of our sanity,” Saria replied.
“TO GANONDORF’S CASTLE!!” Link stated quite loudly.
-
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“Oh noez, there’s no way over,” Link said. Ganon’s castle was floating above a huge pool of lava.
“Fear not! For we are magical!” Saria stated, turning into a floating green light. All the other Sages, as floating lights, flew everywhere and a girly rainbow bridge appeared, leading into Ganon’s castle.
“How ironic,” Navi spoke. “A girly rainbow bridge leading into the most evil place in Hyrule.”
“It’s Rainbow Road!” Mario exclaimed. A bunch of race carts drove into the castle.
“…” Link, Navi and the Sages were all silent.
Meanwhile, up in the top of the castle…
Ganondorf and Zelda were silent as they heard the race cars driving all over the castle and people yelling.
“… Should this be happening…?” Zelda asked slowly.
“Heck no…” Ganondorf answered. “I have to find out what’s going on out there. Don’t do anything stupid.”
“I hope you know I can’t move this thing.”
“Shut up.” Ganondorf went through the door and began to go down the stairs. All of the race carts were driving up the stairs and were coming towards him. “WHAT IN CRAP--”
-
-
“It looks like there’s a barriar in the way and we won’t be able to get through at the moment,” Navi stated.
“Navi, there’s a hole in the barrier,” Saria told her.
“The barriar seems to connect to all of the rooms. I bet there’s a thing that breaks the barriar in each room.”
“Navi, there’s a hole in the barriar!” Saria said a little bit louder.
“That room right there looks like it’s covered up with a giant rock that you can only lift with the item you get in this dungeon.”
“NAVI! THERE’S A HOLE IN THE BARRIER!” Saria screamed.
"Dear Lisa, dear Lisa--" Link started. "Huh? Oh, there is."
“…*Wait, what? Oh…” Navi spoke.
“But don’t we need to get the item in this dungeon?”
A treasure chest suddenly fell on top of him due to the authoress’s laziness to have them go through all of the rooms. Saria opened it.
Saria got the Golden Gauntlets!
“Oof,” Link muttered, shoving the chest off of him.
“It looks like a stronger version of the Silver Gauntlets. I wish that those things would just shrink down so I could wear them--” Saria started as Link was taking the Silver Gauntlets off. The gauntlets suddenly shrank into Saria’s hand size. “Weird. I wonder how that happened.” She put them on. “Hehehe…”
Link put on the Golden Gauntlets. “NOW I’M SUPERMAN!” He picked up the huge rock covering one of the room. He tossed it aside. “MUAHAHAHA! I AM UNDEFEATABLE!!!”
“Let’s go beat the crap out of Ganondorf!”
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If you get what the "Dear Lisa" thing is, you get a virtual cookie.
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 17: The Final Battle
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link became supposedly undefeatable, Navi was mocked, Saria proved her magicalness and a bunch of Mario carts drove into Ganon’s castle.
Now for Chapter Seventeen.
“Hey! I saw another one of these giant rocks outside!” Navi stated. “Maybe there’s something behind it!”
“I like proving my strength,” Link said. “It’s fun.”
Outside…
“GIANT ROCK!” Link ran over to the giant rock outside and lifted it up. He tossed it backwards, revealing a cave.
“I am about 93% sure that is a Great Fairy Fountain,” Navi spoke.
And it was.
“Hello! I am the Great Fairy of Courage!” the Great Fairy greeted. “I am going to enhance your defensive skills to help you defeat the Evil King!”
Link and Saria’s defense went up!
“Now enemies will do half as much damage as before.”
“Okay, now that is useful,” Saria stated.
-
-
“Oh come on, couldn’t Ganondorf just have bought an elevator?” Link complained once they entered the staircase room.
“Haha!” Saria laughed. She turned into a green light and flew up the stairs.
“Oh come on! You and Navi get to fly up!”
“Don’t complain! You get to lift up giant rocks!”
“True, but that doesn’t mean my legs have super strength.”
One horribly hard(for Link) staircase climb later…
“Why do I hear crashing and yelling in there?” Navi wondered.
“Well, I guess we better find out…” Saria said.
They entered the room. Ganondorf had climbed to the top of his giant organ while race carts were driving all over the room.
“Oh, now you get here!” Ganondorf yelled. “Ugh, for Nayru’s sake!” He broke one of the windows and all of the carts drove out. “Well! Now!” Ganondorf jumped down to the ground.
“Why did you capture the princess?” Navi asked.
“Because I knew you would come! For I have the Triforce of Power, the princess has the Triforce of Wisdom and he has the Triforce of Courage! I knew that if I captured her you would come eventually! Now that all of the Triforce bearers have come together, they are finally beginning to become one again!”
“Oh Din, help me!” Zelda shouted. “I’ve been stuck up here for hours!”
A wave of darkness suddenly shot towards the trio.
“I’m sorry, Link! Because of the waves of darkness, I can’t help you in this battle!” Navi told Link.
“Why?” he asked.
“I mean I can’t target onto him.”
“What are you talking about…?”
“Oh yeah, I don’t help you target in this story…”
“Now hand over that Triforce piece or I’ll force it out of you!” Ganondorf threatened.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s possible. I don’t think that you can force a piece of the Triforce out of somebody against their will, and if the Triforce bearer dies, then it simply goes to another suitable person.”
“Shut up, flutterpants! I’m doing it anyway!”
“Excuse me?”
Suddenly Ganondorf’s organ vanished into thin air and he began to fly into the air. “Foight meh!”
“Gladly!” Saria said, drawing her sword.
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!” Navi screamed, turning red.
“Should I be scared?” Ganondorf asked.
“Probably,” Saria replied.
“DESTROY HIM!!!” Navi screeched. She started to beat Ganondorf up. It was being quite effective, in spite of the fact that she was a fairy.
“Holy friggin’ derp hats!” Ganondorf yelled, flying all over the room.
Suddenly Saria took out pepper spray and sprayed Ganondorf in the eyes.
“AUGH!! MY EYES!!” He crashed into a wall.
Then she shot a Light Arrow at him and started hitting him with her sword while Navi was beating him up.
“This has to be the most unsuccessful thing that has happened in my life!”
A few minutes later, he sat up and gasped for breath. He coughed up blood.
“The Great Evil King Ganondorf…*beaten by a fairy and a kid?!”
Suddenly he began to glow. The walls shattered.
Somehow, all of the race carts from before had been driving on the roof. They drove back onto the area that had once been a room. There was an earthquake and the tower began to collapse.
Zelda’s crystal lowered and it disappeared. “Ganondorf is using the last of his strength to make the tower collapse and crush us! We must escape, quickly!” she told Link, Saria and Navi.
Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach drove up to them.
“Need a hand?” Mario asked with his Italian accent.
“Heck yes!” Zelda replied. She got into Peach’s cart despite it’s size. Saria got into Luigi’s and Link got into Mario’s.
They started to drive violently fast down the tower, through rooms and into enemies until they got to the bottom and the whole tower exploded.
“That had to be the most exciting thing that ever happened in my whole life,” Zelda stated, getting out of the cart.
“Now I’m glad they ended up driving into the castle…” Saria spoke, getting out as well.
“Hey baby, wanna hang out sometime?” Luigi asked her.
“Ew, no!”
“Well, I suppose it’s time we return to our game!” Mario said as Link got out of his cart. All of the carts drove into a portal that appeared out of thin air.
“I wonder if Ganondorf survived that,” Link wondered.
Suddenly a bunch of rubble left over moved a little.
“What was that sound?” Zelda questioned.
“I’ll go find out!” Link replied, walking up to it. Saria followed him.
Ganondorf suddenly burst out of the rubble, breathing heavily. He held up his right hand, which had the Triforce on it. He transformed into a giant pig beast with two tridents.
“Oh my crap,” Saria stated. “That thing is freaky for a pig.”
A ring of fire appeared around them, trapping Zelda outside. Ganon smacked Link’s Master Sword away, behind Zelda.
“Zelda! Toss me my sword!” Link told Zelda.
“I can’t! The wall is too high!” Zelda answered.
“You mean you’re just too scared to move?” Saria asked.
Zelda turned her head away. “No! Shut up!”
“Don’t panic, Link! I still have the most powerful sword in the game!”
Saria shot a Light Arrow at Ganon’s face, stunning him. She rolled between his legs and beat his tail with the Biggoron’s Sword.
Ganon snorted because he no longer had the ability to talk. He snorted again because of this.
“Haha, you can’t talk!” Saria laughed, shooting another arrow at him.
She did this again and again until Ganon fell to the ground, using one of his tridents to hold him up. The fire barriar went down.
“Quick! Get the sword!” Zelda told Link.
“Can’t you just toss it to me?!” Link yelled.
“No, I can’t! I feel like I’ll miss and it will fall into the lava!”
“Oh, maybe.”
Link got the Master Sword back!
“Yes!”
A few minutes later, Saria had knocked Ganon back down to the ground with the exact same method. I guess his intelligence changed with his transformation.
Zelda shot a beam of light at Ganon, stunning him. “I’m using my power to hold the Evil King! Quickly, Link! Deliver the final blow!”
Link stabbed Ganon in the head painfully. The screen showed three different camera angles of it.
“AUUUUUUGH!!!” Ganon yelled, slashing all over the place.
“Sages of Hyrule! Open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!” Zelda called.
Suddenly all of the other Sages appeared. Saria turned into a floating light. They all began to fly around Ganon.
“NOOOO!!!” Ganon shouted.
A vacuum of light appeared. Ganon was sucked into it, and then it disappeared.
“YOU…” Ganondorf started, falling into whiteness. “CURSE YOU… ZELDA! CURSE YOU…*SAGES! CURSE YOU…*LINK AND THAT DUMB FAIRY! Someday, when this seal is broken, that is when I will exterminate your descendants in Wind Waker! As long as the Triforce of Power is in my hand…”
There was a bright flash of light. Zelda, Link, Saria and Navi appeared in a sky-like area.
“Thank you, Link and Saria,” Zelda said. “Thanks to you, Ganondorf has been sealed inside the Evil Realm!”
“Wait, wasn’t it the Sacred Realm?” Saria asked.
“I’m just saying my lines, Saria. Thus, peace will once again reign in this world… for a time…”
“Hey wait!” Navi yelled. “I helped too! I beat up Ganondorf before he turned into that huge pig beast!”
“I know, I know… Now anyway, all the tragedy that has befallen Hyrule was my doing…*I was so young…*I could not comprehend the consequences of trying to control the Sacred Realm. I dragged you into it too.”
“See, now you call it the Sacred Realm!” Saria interrupted. “And what are you talking about? Was this in that speech we skipped?”
“Yes it was. Now shut up and let me finish. Now it is time for me to make up for my mistakes… You must lay the Master Sword to rest and close the Door of Time…*However, by doing this, the road between times will be closed…”
“How do we close the Door of Time?” Link asked.
“You take the Spiritual Stones away and return then to their rightful places. Now Link, give the Ocarina of Time to me…*As a Sage, I can return you to your original time with it.” Link gave the ocarina to Zelda.
“Hey, I’m a Sage too!” Saria stated.
“I’m the Sage of Time, so I can do it. When peace returns to Hyrule…*It will be time for us to say good-bye… Now, go home, you two. Regain your lost time! Home… Where you are supposed to be, the way you are supposed to be…*Thank you…*Good bye…” Zelda played Zelda’s Lullaby on the ocarina. Link, Saria and Navi went up in a blue light and appeared back at the Temple of Time.
But still, back in the future, people were partying at the Lon Lon Ranch. Every character besides Link, Saria, Navi and Zelda was there. Even King Zora and Biggoron were there somehow.
In the past though, with Link, Saria and Navi…
“So Navi…*Are you going to leave us forever now?” Link asked.
“Where did you get that thought?” Navi questioned.
“I don’t know, it just seems like this would be the time when you would leave so you wouldn’t be in the sequel.”
“Heck no! Why would I leave?”
“Navi! You really do care for me!”
“Come on, let’s go return the Spiritual Stones,” Saria said.
They all exited the room and grabbed all the Spiritual Stones. The door slowly closed once more.
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The next chapter will be the epilogue.
Hehe... I forgot about how many funny jokes I made in this chapter. Or at least, how many funny LINES there were. And just so you know, I'm not referring to the fact that Zelda keeps bringing her speech back up. I am getting pretty tired of that myself, but I can't leave it out because of Zelda's character ¬_¬
Sorry bout that
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The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 16: Stricken
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was slightly mature, Navi probably read her book a lot, Saria pwned witches and Nabooru was discovered as the Sage of Spirit.
Now for Chapter Sixteen.
Note: If you get bored of their Heart Piece collection, feel free to skip to when they get to Ganon’s Tower.
“So, we’re supposed to be spending this whole chapter getting Heart Pieces?” Navi asked, once they were teleported back to Desert Colossus.
“Yeah,” Saria replied. “Let’s not go to the Temple of Time yet. I have a feeling we’ll be running into Zelda or something, then she’ll get captured by Ganondorf and Link won’t want to get Heart Pieces anymore.”
“Yeah, but one problem: We have absolutely no idea where Heart Pieces are found!”
“I’m singing in the rain!” Link said after playing the Song of Storms.
“Don’t worry. Because it’s not part of the actual story, the authoress let me take a guide. Now, let’s take a look… Well, looks like we already got Heart Piece number one back in Chapter 2. The second one is at Lon Lon Ranch in the past.”
So Link played the Prelude of Light and went back in time and to the Lon Lon Ranch.
“Where?” Link asked.
“In that building over there,” Saria answered, pointing to a tall building over in the corner. They entered.
“Dude! It smells like cows in here!”
“That’s because there are cows in here,” Navi told Link.
“Oh. Look! Milk crates!” Link jumped on top of them and spotted something behind one of them. He pulled the crate out of the way to reveal a hole.
“Wow, and I didn’t even tell him that’s what he was supposed to do,” Saria stated.
Link crawled into the hole and found the Heart Piece in a small pile of hay.
Link got the fourth Heart Piece, forming a new Heart Container!
“Yay!” Link cheered, crawling out of the hole. “Where’s the next one?”
“Lost Woods,” Saria replied. She played the Minuet of Forest and they appeared at the Sacred Forest Meadow.
“Where?”
“Apparently we’re supposed to have a jam session with some Skull Kids a few times, near the beginning of the woods.”
-
-
“Found it!” Link exclaimed.
“Hello there!” one of the Skull Kids greeted. “What’s your name?”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m Hopper and that’s Jump Jump! We’re musical beings of the woods! Would you like to play with us?”
“Sure thing! I’d love to!” Link took out the Ocarina of Time. “What are we playing?”
“Stricken by Disturbed!”
“Wait, what?!”
Saria pushed Link out of the way with her ocarina out. She and the Skull Kids played quite nicely for a rock song on an ocarina and two flutes. The Deku Scrub up in the nearby tree with the target hanging from it was singing the lyrics.
“That was such a nice session, that we’re not going to make you do it four times to get a Heart Piece! Here! Take it!”
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“…*How the heck did you play Stricken by Disturbed on those instruments?” Link asked.
“Okay! 1 down three to go!” Saria said. She took out the guide again. “The next one is still here at the Lost Woods, right where we ran into Fado before.”
A few tunnels later, they were in the area. A Skull Kid was playing a flute on top of a tall stump. Saria stepped onto the shorter stump and played Saria’s Song. “Wow! You know Saria’s Song!” the Skull Kid exclaimed.
“Umm, I am Saria,” Saria told the Skull Kid.
“Cool! Let’s be friends! As a token of our friendship, take this!”
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“To think that these Heart Pieces were scattered all over the place and this easy to get,” Navi spoke.
“Two down two to go!” Saria stated. “Heart Piece number five is at the Goron City!”
-
-
“It’s in that giant spinning pot?” Link questioned.
“We’re supposed to throw a bomb into it when the happy face is facing us,” Navi said, looking at the paper.
Saria chucked a bomb into the pot and got it on her first try.
“Wow. Lucky shot.”
Saria got a Heart Piece!
“Three down one to go!” Saria spoke.
“Okay, Saria, stop doing that. It’s annoying,” Navi told her.
“I have to or else the authoress loses track. The sixth one is in Death Mountain Crater, only accessible in the future… Let’s just stick to ones in the past for now.”
“Are we going to try and get all of them?”
“No no, Link, we’re just getting 16, not all of them.”
“Why specifically 16? Because it’s the sixteenth chapter?”
“No, we were getting that many anyway. Weird coincidence. Oh! Now here’s an easy one! Number thirty three! All we have to do is go into this night time shop, pay ten rupees to play and then we can cheat with the Lens of Truth.”
“Cool.”
-
-
“Hey there, kids. You wanna play? Ten rupees,” the tattooed guy behind the desk asked.
“Sure,” Saria replied, putting down two blue rupees because yellow rupees did not yet exist.
“Take this key.”
Saria got a Small Key!
“Open up that door over there with it and you’ll be in another room with two treasure chests. One contains a key and the other doesn’t. If you can make it to the end, you get the prize.”
Saria went through the locked door. She grinned and took out the Lens of Truth, allowing her to see what was inside the chest.
Saria successfully got to the end and saw a chest. She opened it.
Saria got the fourth Heart Piece, forming a new Heart Container!
“Eight to go,” she said.
-
-
Since I no longer have the will to write out all of the other Heart Pieces they obtained, I’m just going to skip to once they get sixteen.
“Hey!” Saria yelled.
“Listen!” Link said, giggling.
“Shut up, Link.”
“Are you mocking me?” Navi asked.
Link took out the Ocarina of Time, “Let’s go to the Temple of Time now!” He played the Prelude of Light and they appeared there. Sheik was standing in front of the door. “Hi there, Sheik! You see, there’s supposed to be somebody waiting for us here at the Temple of Time, so--”
“I am that person, you idiot,” Sheik told him.
“Oh.”
“I have been waiting for hours. What took you so long!!”
“Well, Saria wanted to get Heart Pieces before we even came here.”
“Well, now I’m going to launch into this huge speech ripped almost straight from the game, except shorter. Link, the Hero of Time, you have overcome many hardships and awakened six Sages. And now you have a final challenge, a showdown with Ganondorf, the King of Evil. I am going to tell you another legend passed down by the Sheikah…”
“This is going to take forever…” Saria muttered.
“If you would seek the sacred triangle, listen well. The resting place of the sacred triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart, the heart of one who enters it. If an evil heart, the Realm will become full of evil; if pure, the Realm will become a paradise. The Triforce, the sacred triangle…*It is a balance that weighs the three forces: Power, Wisdom and Courage. If the heart of the one who holds the sacred triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one’s heart is not in balance, the Triforce will seperate into three parts: Power, Wisdom and Courage. Only one part will remain for the one who touched the Triforce, the part representing the force that the one most believes in. If that one seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the two lost parts. Those two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the back of whichever hand they use.
“Seven years ago, Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time and entered the Sacred Realm. But when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. Only the Triforce of Power remained in his hand.”
“And?” Link asked.
“The one who holds the Triforce of Courage is… You, Link!”
“Wait, what?” A Triforce mark suddenly appeared on Link’s left hand.
“Oh come on, since when has he ever been more courageous than me?” Saria complained.
“Saria, you’re the Sage of the Forest, remember?”
“Oh yeah.”
“And the other, who holds the Triforce of Wisdom…*is the seventh Sage, who is the destined to be the leader of them all…” Sheik held up his right hand and a Triforce mark appeared on it. There was a blinding flash of light and Sheik was gone, with a seventeen year old Zelda in his place. “It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda.”
“Holy crap, Sheik was Zelda this whole time?”
“Why did you ditch me when I was in the middle of my speech back in Chapter 2?”
“As I said before, nobody wants to read speeches ripped straight from the game.”
“Why were you disguised?” Link asked.
“I apologize for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil. Please forgive me…”
“Wait, but Ganondorf isn’t defeated yet, so do you really think it’s a good idea to turn back into Zelda?” Navi questioned.
“I saw you as I was escaping from the castle with my attendant, Impa.”
“Impa is your attendant? Since when?”
“Be quiet and let me finish. As long as you had the Ocarina in your possession, I thought Ganondorf could never enter the Sacred Realm, but…*something I could never expect happened… After you opened the Door of Time, the Master Sword sealed you away in the Sacred Realm. Your spirits remained in the Sacred Realm and then the Triforce fell into Ganondorf’s hands. He went on to invade the Sacred Realm…*Ganondorf had become the Evil King, and the Sacred Realm became a world of evil. All of this is an unfortunate coincidence. I passed myself off as a Sheikah and hoped that you would return. I waited for seven years…*It seemed to take forever for you to come back!”
“Well excuuuuuse me princess!” Link said, laughing.
“Shut up. You’re back now, so hopefully the dark age ruled by Ganondorf the Evil King will end. The six Sages will open the sealed door and lure Ganondorf back into the Sacred Realm. I will then seal the door to the Sacred Realm from this world. Thus, Ganondorf the Evil King will vanish from Hyrule.”
“Can’t we just kill him?” Saria asked.
“No, because he has to come back in Wind Waker.”
“Oh. Dang it.”
“Now in order to banish Ganondorf from Hyrule, I need your courage again. Please protect me while I do my part. And here is a weapon that can penetrate the Evil King’s defenses… The power given to the chosen ones… The sacred Arrow of Light!” Zelda held her hands up and a yellow light began to glow between them.
Link got the Light Arrows!
“How do you know that these will work on Ganondorf?” Saria questioned.
“They’re evil destroying arrows.”
“So if we shoot one at Ganondorf he won’t be evil anymore?” Link asked.
“No, but they’ll stun him for a few seconds, giving you a chance to strike.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Suddenly the temple began to shake.
“That rumbling! It can’t be!” Zelda gasped. A pink crystal suddenly imprisoned her. Link put his hands on it.
“Muahahaha! I am evil!” Ganondorf’s voice laughed. “Princess Zelda, you foolish traitor! I commend you for avoiding my pursuit for seven long years!”
“How in the world does that make me a traitor?”
“I caught a video of you saying that you would join me!”
“Wait, what?”
“Well, I did have to do a bit of digital editing…”
“Oh, seriously--” Zelda’s crystal suddenly shot up into the air.
“Come back!” Link yelled. “I’m not done feeling the crystal!”
“If you want to rescue Zelda, come to my castle!” Ganondorf said, and Zelda’s crystal disappeared.
“Noooooo!”
“Let’s go burn Ganondorf!” Saria said.
“Yaaaaay!!”
“Are you two finally starting to take sugar again?” Navi asked.
“Yes. The authoress was getting sick of our sanity,” Saria replied.
“TO GANONDORF’S CASTLE!!” Link stated quite loudly.
-
-
“Oh noez, there’s no way over,” Link said. Ganon’s castle was floating above a huge pool of lava.
“Fear not! For we are magical!” Saria stated, turning into a floating green light. All the other Sages, as floating lights, flew everywhere and a girly rainbow bridge appeared, leading into Ganon’s castle.
“How ironic,” Navi spoke. “A girly rainbow bridge leading into the most evil place in Hyrule.”
“It’s Rainbow Road!” Mario exclaimed. A bunch of race carts drove into the castle.
“…” Link, Navi and the Sages were all silent.
Meanwhile, up in the top of the castle…
Ganondorf and Zelda were silent as they heard the race cars driving all over the castle and people yelling.
“… Should this be happening…?” Zelda asked slowly.
“Heck no…” Ganondorf answered. “I have to find out what’s going on out there. Don’t do anything stupid.”
“I hope you know I can’t move this thing.”
“Shut up.” Ganondorf went through the door and began to go down the stairs. All of the race carts were driving up the stairs and were coming towards him. “WHAT IN CRAP--”
-
-
“It looks like there’s a barriar in the way and we won’t be able to get through at the moment,” Navi stated.
“Navi, there’s a hole in the barrier,” Saria told her.
“The barriar seems to connect to all of the rooms. I bet there’s a thing that breaks the barriar in each room.”
“Navi, there’s a hole in the barriar!” Saria said a little bit louder.
“That room right there looks like it’s covered up with a giant rock that you can only lift with the item you get in this dungeon.”
“NAVI! THERE’S A HOLE IN THE BARRIER!” Saria screamed.
"Dear Lisa, dear Lisa--" Link started. "Huh? Oh, there is."
“…*Wait, what? Oh…” Navi spoke.
“But don’t we need to get the item in this dungeon?”
A treasure chest suddenly fell on top of him due to the authoress’s laziness to have them go through all of the rooms. Saria opened it.
Saria got the Golden Gauntlets!
“Oof,” Link muttered, shoving the chest off of him.
“It looks like a stronger version of the Silver Gauntlets. I wish that those things would just shrink down so I could wear them--” Saria started as Link was taking the Silver Gauntlets off. The gauntlets suddenly shrank into Saria’s hand size. “Weird. I wonder how that happened.” She put them on. “Hehehe…”
Link put on the Golden Gauntlets. “NOW I’M SUPERMAN!” He picked up the huge rock covering one of the room. He tossed it aside. “MUAHAHAHA! I AM UNDEFEATABLE!!!”
“Let’s go beat the crap out of Ganondorf!”
---
If you get what the "Dear Lisa" thing is, you get a virtual cookie.
---
The Legend of Crap: Ocarina of Time
Chapter 17: The Final Battle
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link became supposedly undefeatable, Navi was mocked, Saria proved her magicalness and a bunch of Mario carts drove into Ganon’s castle.
Now for Chapter Seventeen.
“Hey! I saw another one of these giant rocks outside!” Navi stated. “Maybe there’s something behind it!”
“I like proving my strength,” Link said. “It’s fun.”
Outside…
“GIANT ROCK!” Link ran over to the giant rock outside and lifted it up. He tossed it backwards, revealing a cave.
“I am about 93% sure that is a Great Fairy Fountain,” Navi spoke.
And it was.
“Hello! I am the Great Fairy of Courage!” the Great Fairy greeted. “I am going to enhance your defensive skills to help you defeat the Evil King!”
Link and Saria’s defense went up!
“Now enemies will do half as much damage as before.”
“Okay, now that is useful,” Saria stated.
-
-
“Oh come on, couldn’t Ganondorf just have bought an elevator?” Link complained once they entered the staircase room.
“Haha!” Saria laughed. She turned into a green light and flew up the stairs.
“Oh come on! You and Navi get to fly up!”
“Don’t complain! You get to lift up giant rocks!”
“True, but that doesn’t mean my legs have super strength.”
One horribly hard(for Link) staircase climb later…
“Why do I hear crashing and yelling in there?” Navi wondered.
“Well, I guess we better find out…” Saria said.
They entered the room. Ganondorf had climbed to the top of his giant organ while race carts were driving all over the room.
“Oh, now you get here!” Ganondorf yelled. “Ugh, for Nayru’s sake!” He broke one of the windows and all of the carts drove out. “Well! Now!” Ganondorf jumped down to the ground.
“Why did you capture the princess?” Navi asked.
“Because I knew you would come! For I have the Triforce of Power, the princess has the Triforce of Wisdom and he has the Triforce of Courage! I knew that if I captured her you would come eventually! Now that all of the Triforce bearers have come together, they are finally beginning to become one again!”
“Oh Din, help me!” Zelda shouted. “I’ve been stuck up here for hours!”
A wave of darkness suddenly shot towards the trio.
“I’m sorry, Link! Because of the waves of darkness, I can’t help you in this battle!” Navi told Link.
“Why?” he asked.
“I mean I can’t target onto him.”
“What are you talking about…?”
“Oh yeah, I don’t help you target in this story…”
“Now hand over that Triforce piece or I’ll force it out of you!” Ganondorf threatened.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s possible. I don’t think that you can force a piece of the Triforce out of somebody against their will, and if the Triforce bearer dies, then it simply goes to another suitable person.”
“Shut up, flutterpants! I’m doing it anyway!”
“Excuse me?”
Suddenly Ganondorf’s organ vanished into thin air and he began to fly into the air. “Foight meh!”
“Gladly!” Saria said, drawing her sword.
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!” Navi screamed, turning red.
“Should I be scared?” Ganondorf asked.
“Probably,” Saria replied.
“DESTROY HIM!!!” Navi screeched. She started to beat Ganondorf up. It was being quite effective, in spite of the fact that she was a fairy.
“Holy friggin’ derp hats!” Ganondorf yelled, flying all over the room.
Suddenly Saria took out pepper spray and sprayed Ganondorf in the eyes.
“AUGH!! MY EYES!!” He crashed into a wall.
Then she shot a Light Arrow at him and started hitting him with her sword while Navi was beating him up.
“This has to be the most unsuccessful thing that has happened in my life!”
A few minutes later, he sat up and gasped for breath. He coughed up blood.
“The Great Evil King Ganondorf…*beaten by a fairy and a kid?!”
Suddenly he began to glow. The walls shattered.
Somehow, all of the race carts from before had been driving on the roof. They drove back onto the area that had once been a room. There was an earthquake and the tower began to collapse.
Zelda’s crystal lowered and it disappeared. “Ganondorf is using the last of his strength to make the tower collapse and crush us! We must escape, quickly!” she told Link, Saria and Navi.
Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach drove up to them.
“Need a hand?” Mario asked with his Italian accent.
“Heck yes!” Zelda replied. She got into Peach’s cart despite it’s size. Saria got into Luigi’s and Link got into Mario’s.
They started to drive violently fast down the tower, through rooms and into enemies until they got to the bottom and the whole tower exploded.
“That had to be the most exciting thing that ever happened in my whole life,” Zelda stated, getting out of the cart.
“Now I’m glad they ended up driving into the castle…” Saria spoke, getting out as well.
“Hey baby, wanna hang out sometime?” Luigi asked her.
“Ew, no!”
“Well, I suppose it’s time we return to our game!” Mario said as Link got out of his cart. All of the carts drove into a portal that appeared out of thin air.
“I wonder if Ganondorf survived that,” Link wondered.
Suddenly a bunch of rubble left over moved a little.
“What was that sound?” Zelda questioned.
“I’ll go find out!” Link replied, walking up to it. Saria followed him.
Ganondorf suddenly burst out of the rubble, breathing heavily. He held up his right hand, which had the Triforce on it. He transformed into a giant pig beast with two tridents.
“Oh my crap,” Saria stated. “That thing is freaky for a pig.”
A ring of fire appeared around them, trapping Zelda outside. Ganon smacked Link’s Master Sword away, behind Zelda.
“Zelda! Toss me my sword!” Link told Zelda.
“I can’t! The wall is too high!” Zelda answered.
“You mean you’re just too scared to move?” Saria asked.
Zelda turned her head away. “No! Shut up!”
“Don’t panic, Link! I still have the most powerful sword in the game!”
Saria shot a Light Arrow at Ganon’s face, stunning him. She rolled between his legs and beat his tail with the Biggoron’s Sword.
Ganon snorted because he no longer had the ability to talk. He snorted again because of this.
“Haha, you can’t talk!” Saria laughed, shooting another arrow at him.
She did this again and again until Ganon fell to the ground, using one of his tridents to hold him up. The fire barriar went down.
“Quick! Get the sword!” Zelda told Link.
“Can’t you just toss it to me?!” Link yelled.
“No, I can’t! I feel like I’ll miss and it will fall into the lava!”
“Oh, maybe.”
Link got the Master Sword back!
“Yes!”
A few minutes later, Saria had knocked Ganon back down to the ground with the exact same method. I guess his intelligence changed with his transformation.
Zelda shot a beam of light at Ganon, stunning him. “I’m using my power to hold the Evil King! Quickly, Link! Deliver the final blow!”
Link stabbed Ganon in the head painfully. The screen showed three different camera angles of it.
“AUUUUUUGH!!!” Ganon yelled, slashing all over the place.
“Sages of Hyrule! Open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!” Zelda called.
Suddenly all of the other Sages appeared. Saria turned into a floating light. They all began to fly around Ganon.
“NOOOO!!!” Ganon shouted.
A vacuum of light appeared. Ganon was sucked into it, and then it disappeared.
“YOU…” Ganondorf started, falling into whiteness. “CURSE YOU… ZELDA! CURSE YOU…*SAGES! CURSE YOU…*LINK AND THAT DUMB FAIRY! Someday, when this seal is broken, that is when I will exterminate your descendants in Wind Waker! As long as the Triforce of Power is in my hand…”
There was a bright flash of light. Zelda, Link, Saria and Navi appeared in a sky-like area.
“Thank you, Link and Saria,” Zelda said. “Thanks to you, Ganondorf has been sealed inside the Evil Realm!”
“Wait, wasn’t it the Sacred Realm?” Saria asked.
“I’m just saying my lines, Saria. Thus, peace will once again reign in this world… for a time…”
“Hey wait!” Navi yelled. “I helped too! I beat up Ganondorf before he turned into that huge pig beast!”
“I know, I know… Now anyway, all the tragedy that has befallen Hyrule was my doing…*I was so young…*I could not comprehend the consequences of trying to control the Sacred Realm. I dragged you into it too.”
“See, now you call it the Sacred Realm!” Saria interrupted. “And what are you talking about? Was this in that speech we skipped?”
“Yes it was. Now shut up and let me finish. Now it is time for me to make up for my mistakes… You must lay the Master Sword to rest and close the Door of Time…*However, by doing this, the road between times will be closed…”
“How do we close the Door of Time?” Link asked.
“You take the Spiritual Stones away and return then to their rightful places. Now Link, give the Ocarina of Time to me…*As a Sage, I can return you to your original time with it.” Link gave the ocarina to Zelda.
“Hey, I’m a Sage too!” Saria stated.
“I’m the Sage of Time, so I can do it. When peace returns to Hyrule…*It will be time for us to say good-bye… Now, go home, you two. Regain your lost time! Home… Where you are supposed to be, the way you are supposed to be…*Thank you…*Good bye…” Zelda played Zelda’s Lullaby on the ocarina. Link, Saria and Navi went up in a blue light and appeared back at the Temple of Time.
But still, back in the future, people were partying at the Lon Lon Ranch. Every character besides Link, Saria, Navi and Zelda was there. Even King Zora and Biggoron were there somehow.
In the past though, with Link, Saria and Navi…
“So Navi…*Are you going to leave us forever now?” Link asked.
“Where did you get that thought?” Navi questioned.
“I don’t know, it just seems like this would be the time when you would leave so you wouldn’t be in the sequel.”
“Heck no! Why would I leave?”
“Navi! You really do care for me!”
“Come on, let’s go return the Spiritual Stones,” Saria said.
They all exited the room and grabbed all the Spiritual Stones. The door slowly closed once more.
----
The next chapter will be the epilogue.
Hehe... I forgot about how many funny jokes I made in this chapter. Or at least, how many funny LINES there were. And just so you know, I'm not referring to the fact that Zelda keeps bringing her speech back up. I am getting pretty tired of that myself, but I can't leave it out because of Zelda's character ¬_¬
3 The fun doesn't end here. (insert evil laugh here)
