Mellow Ezlo
Spoony Bard
I just love your Legend of Crap stories XD You should do one for every main-series Zelda game! (I would suggest the CD-i games as well, but they're kind of like a parody already...)
Zelda Art The Legend of Crap: Majora's Mask (^_^)
- Thread starter onebizarrekai
- Start date
onebizarrekai
gay energy
Actually, I am doing one for almost every game in the series. For the shorter games, such as Minish Cap (and other games that aren't big enough for a main story), I have a side story I've lazily named "Crappy Storytelling" XD
Here's the list of the stories that exist in my head so far:
Ocarina of Time
Majora's Mask
Twilight Princess (work in progress)
Wind Waker
Phantom Hourglass
Possibly Spirit Tracks (if not I'll make it one of the Crappy Storytelling ones)
Skyward Sword
There. (Yeah, I've already completed MM)
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 9: Mountain Climbing and Stalking
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link learned a new word, all Navi did was talk, Saria was very threatening, Tatl learned more about Saria and Odolwa stated his obsession with Chuck Norris.
Now for Chapter Nine.
“The quickest way to the mountains is through the North Gate!” Tatl stated once they appeared back in Clock Town.
“We’re going mountain climbing! Yay!” Link cheered.
“I bet there are Gorons living there,” Navi said.
“TO THE MOUNTAINS!”
-
-
North Clock Town…
“Stop right there! Have you some errand in the mountains? It’s dangerous outside town, so I cannot allow children like you to… A sword? My apologies. It was wrong of me to treat you like children. The mountains of Snowhead lie this way. Be careful,” the guard told them.
“Again, that happened way to quickly,” Saria spoke.
An old lady suddenly walked around the guard.
“Wait a second, this is all wrong…” Navi started. “I thought the old lady wasn’t supposed to appear until midnight.”
“Well, dear fairy,” the old lady said. “I thought it was much to dangerous to be delivering bombs to the bomb shop in the middle of the night.”
“Oh, about time somebody actually realizes that!”
“Hey! Lady! Give me that!” a bald guy yelled, taking the old lady’s bag.
“Seriously? Mugging somebody in the middle of the town at day time?” Tatl asked.
“KILL!” Saria shouted, slashing the bald guy and making him drop the bag. He escaped out the exit the guard was supposed to be guarding.
Tatl zoomed over to the guard. “What in the world! You saw that thief! He tried to steal the old lady’s bombs and you let him escape?!”
“Yeah, I know, doesn’t make sense, does it,” the guard replied. Tatl face palmed.
“Why thank you, young child,” the old lady thanked Saria. “I shall reward you with a free bomb bag and a mask.”
Saria got a Big Bomb Bag!
Saria got a Blast Mask!
“I was delivering those bomb filled bags to the bomb shop, that me and my son own,” the old lady explained. “But that thief tried to take them. Thankfully, you happened to be nearby and saved them!”
“Wait, so I get to start with a bigger bomb bag? That’s awesome!” Saria said. “What’s this mask?”
“If you wear it, it makes an explosion if you want it to.”
“But if I’m wearing it, wouldn’t that blow up my face?”
“If you hold up your shield, then it won’t hurt you somehow. It’s useful if you run out of bombs, but it has to recharge.”
“Okay then…”
-
-
“Whoa! Those Dodongos are huge!” Link exclaimed, looking at the ‘mountain spot’ of Termina Field.
“Come on Link, we’re not here to bomb Dodongos,” Navi told him.
“Oh fine.”
Minutes later…
“Hey! There’s ice in the way!!” Link complained. “Now how are we supposed to get up there?”
Suddenly Tatl dinged, “Up here! Take a look at this!” She flew up to a big icicle. “I bet if you had a weapon that was strong enough, one shot from it could pierce right through this! Well, it might take two shots…”
“The bow?” Saria suggested. She shot an arrow up there.
“Hey! Watch it! You almost hit me!”
“Why are you still up there?”
“I don’t know!” Tatl flew back down as Saria shot a second arrow. The icicle fell down and broke the ice in the way completely.
“That would have been much more entertaining if I had used Din’s Fire, but I don’t have it anymore…”
-
-
“Man, this place is freezing!” Link stated.
“… Seriously, I can’t believe I’m in this situation again,” Saria muttered.
“Why didn’t you bring a coat?” Tatl asked.
“How was I supposed to know what kind of mountain this was going to be?!”
“Well, it’s called Snowhead Mountain after all!”
“That name sounds like it means the tip of the mountain would be cold!”
“Actually, that’s what it would normally be, but it looks like Skull Kid has cursed this place too so the inhabitants would freeze to death.”
“You mean the Gorons.”
“We aren’t totally sure of that!”
-
-
“WE’RE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING, WE’RE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!!” Link yelled.
“In a freezing cold mountain! We’ll freeze to death in these clothes!” Saria said.
“I think that his excitement is keeping him warm,” Navi spoke. “Or at least causing him to ignore the cold.”
“Hey look! There’s a Gabe statue!” Link exclaimed. He ran over to it and hit it with his sword. “Now we can warp here whenever we want!”
“That reminds me,” Tatl started. “I think I saw one of those at Clock Town. We better remember it once we get off of this s-s-stupid mountain.”
“I thought fairies couldn’t get cold,” Saria stated. “That’s what my fairy told me at least.”
“Saria, first, it was never cold at the Kokiri Forest,” Navi told her. “Second, your fairy doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“You had a fairy too?” Tatl asked. “Wouldn’t you think that he would be here too?”
“No,” Saria answered. “He never appeared in the whole story because there were no ideas for him.”
“This place is supposed to be called the Mountain Village,” Link stated. “But there are no houses except for that log cabin over there!”
“I sure hope they have some kind of heating.”
-
-
“What the crap!” Saria shouted. “They’re fireplace is frozen?!”
“UUUUUGH!!” a hairy beast wearing some kind of helmet yelled.
“Shaddap!” a guy wearing a very strange shirt ordered. “You just woke me up from a wonderful dream where I was surrounded by hot women!”
“UUGH!”
The guy glanced at the four behind the desk. “Oh! Customers! Gabora, go fetch our customers some coffee, quick-like.”
“Awesome!” Link cheered.
“Are you out of your mind?!” Navi yelled at the guy. “You can’t give them coffee! They’re underage!”
“Oh, whoops. I didn’t notice,” the guy said. “Never mind, Gabora. Would you like some turkey instead?”
“No thank you.”
“UGOH!!” Gabora roared.
“Dang it,” Link muttered. “No coffee.”
-
-
“It’s pumpkin season,” Link randomly stated when they exited the building. “Pumpkins are awesome.”
“SCREW THAT I’M FREEZING!!” Saria yelled.
“You’re lucky you have long sleeves!” Navi said. “Be thankful for what you have!”
“Whether I’m thankful or not, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to freeze to death!”
“I hope something unexpectedly useful will happen,” Link spoke.
“Like that’s going to happen!”
“Excuse me!” a voice called. There was a Goron on top of a cliff of some sort. “Please help me!”
“Help you with what?” Tatl asked.
“I got stuck up here,” the Goron explained. “I’m so c-c-cold and hungry I can’t even move or remember how I got tuck up here in the first p-place. Can you go get me some food to help me g-get down?”
“What kind of food?”
“Turkey, p-please.”
“Hey! That weird guy inside that building said they had turkey!”
“Well, I think I’ll just go ask them for some…” Saria said and walked into the building. She came out a few minutes later with some turkey meat.
“Why was I hearing yelling in there?” Navi asked.
Saria grinned. “No reason.” She tossed the meat up to the Goron. He ate it quickly and jumped off.
“Thank you! Take these fur coats as a sign of my gratitude!” the Goron thanked.
Link and Saria got Fur Coats!
“Wait, if you were so cold, why weren’t you using them?” Navi questioned.
“Navi!” Link and Saria yelled.
“They were too small,” the Goron answered. “Wait, come to think of it, I could’ve used them somehow…*Darn it.”
“Oh well! Now we won’t freeze to death!” Link cheered, putting his coat on. Tatl zipped into his pocket.
“I think I’ll stay here for a while,” she stated.
“Oh yeah, I want you to have this too!” the Goron told them.
Link got the Don Gero Mask!
“A frog hat? Really?” Tatl asked, peeking out of Link’s coat pocket.
“Remember that getting all the masks will aid you greatly!” the Goron reminded them.
“Why are you talking like the Great Deku Tree all of a sudden?” Saria questioned, buttoning up her coat white Navi flew into her pocket.
“This masks makes all the musical frogs of Termina think you’re their conductor.” And the Goron was off.
“How the freak is that going to help us?”
“Oh well, we do need all the masks,” Link said. “Now let’s stalk behind him like secret agents.” He put on his secret agent hat.
“Link, I thought you sold that,” Navi stated.
“Heck no! I would never get rid of my secret agent hat! OH NO! Me being a secret agent isn’t a secret anymore! AHH!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!”
“Link, we already knew. We’ve known since we beat the Fire Temple back in Ocarina of Time. And besides, you’re not even a real secret agent.”
“Oh. Anyway, let’s go stalk that guy.”
-
-
“Green clothes… Fairies…*Sir could you, by chance, be a forest fairy? Oh my!” Tingle exclaimed.
“Oh freak. Just sell us a map of Snowhead,” Saria told him.
“That’ll be twenty rupees!”
Saria took money out of Link’s wallet again and paid him for the map.
“Well, call again! Tingle, Tingle--”
“JUST GET OUT OF HERE,” Saria yelled.
“Okay, okay!” Tingle floated back up into the air.
“Why do you keep paying for things with my money?!” Link shouted.
“Well, I noticed that when we went back in time, we still had the map, but you had the amout of money you had when we first arrived here. So it doesn’t matter,” Saria said.
“Oh fine.”
-
-
“This is the Goron Village?” Saria asked. “I thought it would be indoors.”
“I wish,” a nearby shivering Goron said. “All the other Gorons are inside, but I’m stuck out here as the gatekeeper.”
“Inside what?”
“One of those giant rocks. I’m so cold I can’t even think…*I feel like I’m just about to--” The Goron suddenly started rolling and soon became a rolling snowball.
“What in the…”
“This is just cruel!” Link exclaimed. “How could they keep this poor Goron out in the cold like this?! I must reason with their leader!” He began marching off, but a few steps later he paused. “Umm…*Where am I going?”
“INTO A SNOW PILE!” Saria pushed him off the ledge and he landed in a huge pile of snow.
“…*Ow? … Hey look! The door!” Link ran over to the entrance to the Goron shrine. “OPEN UP!! I MUST REASON WITH YOUR LEADER FOR GORON ABUSE!!”
“Oh no! It’s the police!!” a Goron inside shrieked.
“OPEN THE DOOR!!!” Link banged on the door with his fists. “…*Ow…”
“Link, forget it. The reason the Gorons are all inside is probably because it’s freezing out here, and if they opened the door, all the cold air would go in,” Navi told him.
“I’m a police man! It’s my duty to deal with situations like that! I will not just let something like this slide!”
“Link, you are not a police man.”
“…*Oh. Darn it.”
-
-
“Hoo-hoot!” Gabe hooted, perched on top of a pillar.
“Oh great, not you again,” Tatl muttered.
“We meet again! Have my stone statues been of help?”
“No. We haven’t used them yet because we didn’t need to.”
“Believe me, when side quests come, you will need them. Anyway, it seems you may have the strength to change the fate of this land as I had expected. But the road ahead is even more challenging. Many trials await you--”
“Hey wait…” Link started. “If Termina is getting destroyed by the moon, why can’t all the people living here just move to Hyrule? I’m sure all those people would be able to get that door open if they worked together.”
“That would not work, Link. It just wouldn’t.”
“I’m pretty sure it would. Do you have any idea how many people might be living in Termina? If they tried, I’m pretty sure they could--”
“No. I mean them going to Hyrule at all. Almost everybody here looks like somebody from Hyrule. It would be weird to have three Malons, wouldn’t it? And four Ingos? Six kids that look exactly the same? And not to mention it would be difficult for people to tell people from each other. Imagine somebody wanting to marry Anju the innkeeper, but ended up marrying the cucco lady instead?”
“Well…*Okay, fine. I guess it wouldn’t work.”
“ANYWAY, the Goron’s land is doomed to be smothered in snow and ice forever. It will become a land where no living thing can survive. Without courage and determination, you surely will collapse from the extreme conditions…”
“Actually, a Goron gave us these coats so that wouldn’t happen.”
“So, will you proceed?”
“Proceed where?” Saria asked.
“To the temple. Save the Gorons from this intense cold.”
“Is that floating cave over there the temple?” Link questioned.
“Well…*no, but you need to go there in order to complete the temple.”
“But getting over there will be impossible! It’s floating in mid air!” Tatl yelled.
“Do not be daunted by appearances. Instead, let your feelings guide you, and the true path shall open before you.”
“Why are you suddenly talking like an elder?”
“That probably means that the item we over there are the Lens of Truth and there’s an invisible path leading over there,” Navi said.
“But how are we supposed to know the invisible path is there?” Saria questioned.
Gabe suddenly started speaking in an old man voice, “You’ll know, young children!” He flew off the pillar he was sitting on and began flying toward the floating cave. As he flew, feathers dropped down and floated in mid air.
“…*I guess that’s how…” Navi spoke.
-
-
Link got the Lens of Truth!
“Wow,” Link exclaimed. “Navi’s like, a psychic.”
“Not really,” Navi said. “I just guess.”
“How did the Lens of Truth get here?” Saria asked.
“Maybe when we sold ours, the Gorons bought it and moved to Termina,” Link suggested.
“Or, not only people have clones, but some items too.”
“Wait a minute,” Navi started. “You sold a magical Sheikah lens to some random person? You didn’t put it back where it rightfully belongs?!”
“Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how hard it would be to put it all the way back into the well?” Saria questioned.
“You could’ve at least given it to Impa or something when you went into the castle to see Zelda!”
“We kinda sold it before that happened… But seriously, do you have any idea how much cash we got out of that? We sold it to an antique shop and got 1000 rupees.”
“HEY! Aren’t we supposed to be focusing on stopping the moon from killing everybody?!” Tatl yelled.
“Oh yeah…” Link said. Navi and Tatl sighed.
-
-
“Holy crap!” Link exclaimed. “I can see real ghosts through this thing!”
“I am sorrowful,” the ghost stated.
“Why?”
“Because I died.”
“Umm…*Okay…”
“No. I died trying to save Snowhead from this winter.”
“But that’s my job now! I don’t want to die!”
“I was by myself. You have people with you.”
“But in the game Link is by himself,” Tatl said. “Well, not counting me flying around his head all the time.”
“My sorrows are overwhelming! I shall go to my grave and express them sorrowfully…” Darmani floated away.
“SECRET STALKING TIME!!” Link put on his secret agent hat again and a pair of sunglasses.
“Link, it’s not very secret if you yell it out loud,” Navi told him.
He whipped his sunglasses off like they do in TV shows. “WELL!”
---
Once we catch up to Twilight Princess, I'll be able to post the short stories. You'll see why
Here's the list of the stories that exist in my head so far:
Ocarina of Time
Majora's Mask
Twilight Princess (work in progress)
Wind Waker
Phantom Hourglass
Possibly Spirit Tracks (if not I'll make it one of the Crappy Storytelling ones)
Skyward Sword
There. (Yeah, I've already completed MM)
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 9: Mountain Climbing and Stalking
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link learned a new word, all Navi did was talk, Saria was very threatening, Tatl learned more about Saria and Odolwa stated his obsession with Chuck Norris.
Now for Chapter Nine.
“The quickest way to the mountains is through the North Gate!” Tatl stated once they appeared back in Clock Town.
“We’re going mountain climbing! Yay!” Link cheered.
“I bet there are Gorons living there,” Navi said.
“TO THE MOUNTAINS!”
-
-
North Clock Town…
“Stop right there! Have you some errand in the mountains? It’s dangerous outside town, so I cannot allow children like you to… A sword? My apologies. It was wrong of me to treat you like children. The mountains of Snowhead lie this way. Be careful,” the guard told them.
“Again, that happened way to quickly,” Saria spoke.
An old lady suddenly walked around the guard.
“Wait a second, this is all wrong…” Navi started. “I thought the old lady wasn’t supposed to appear until midnight.”
“Well, dear fairy,” the old lady said. “I thought it was much to dangerous to be delivering bombs to the bomb shop in the middle of the night.”
“Oh, about time somebody actually realizes that!”
“Hey! Lady! Give me that!” a bald guy yelled, taking the old lady’s bag.
“Seriously? Mugging somebody in the middle of the town at day time?” Tatl asked.
“KILL!” Saria shouted, slashing the bald guy and making him drop the bag. He escaped out the exit the guard was supposed to be guarding.
Tatl zoomed over to the guard. “What in the world! You saw that thief! He tried to steal the old lady’s bombs and you let him escape?!”
“Yeah, I know, doesn’t make sense, does it,” the guard replied. Tatl face palmed.
“Why thank you, young child,” the old lady thanked Saria. “I shall reward you with a free bomb bag and a mask.”
Saria got a Big Bomb Bag!
Saria got a Blast Mask!
“I was delivering those bomb filled bags to the bomb shop, that me and my son own,” the old lady explained. “But that thief tried to take them. Thankfully, you happened to be nearby and saved them!”
“Wait, so I get to start with a bigger bomb bag? That’s awesome!” Saria said. “What’s this mask?”
“If you wear it, it makes an explosion if you want it to.”
“But if I’m wearing it, wouldn’t that blow up my face?”
“If you hold up your shield, then it won’t hurt you somehow. It’s useful if you run out of bombs, but it has to recharge.”
“Okay then…”
-
-
“Whoa! Those Dodongos are huge!” Link exclaimed, looking at the ‘mountain spot’ of Termina Field.
“Come on Link, we’re not here to bomb Dodongos,” Navi told him.
“Oh fine.”
Minutes later…
“Hey! There’s ice in the way!!” Link complained. “Now how are we supposed to get up there?”
Suddenly Tatl dinged, “Up here! Take a look at this!” She flew up to a big icicle. “I bet if you had a weapon that was strong enough, one shot from it could pierce right through this! Well, it might take two shots…”
“The bow?” Saria suggested. She shot an arrow up there.
“Hey! Watch it! You almost hit me!”
“Why are you still up there?”
“I don’t know!” Tatl flew back down as Saria shot a second arrow. The icicle fell down and broke the ice in the way completely.
“That would have been much more entertaining if I had used Din’s Fire, but I don’t have it anymore…”
-
-
“Man, this place is freezing!” Link stated.
“… Seriously, I can’t believe I’m in this situation again,” Saria muttered.
“Why didn’t you bring a coat?” Tatl asked.
“How was I supposed to know what kind of mountain this was going to be?!”
“Well, it’s called Snowhead Mountain after all!”
“That name sounds like it means the tip of the mountain would be cold!”
“Actually, that’s what it would normally be, but it looks like Skull Kid has cursed this place too so the inhabitants would freeze to death.”
“You mean the Gorons.”
“We aren’t totally sure of that!”
-
-
“WE’RE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING, WE’RE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING!!” Link yelled.
“In a freezing cold mountain! We’ll freeze to death in these clothes!” Saria said.
“I think that his excitement is keeping him warm,” Navi spoke. “Or at least causing him to ignore the cold.”
“Hey look! There’s a Gabe statue!” Link exclaimed. He ran over to it and hit it with his sword. “Now we can warp here whenever we want!”
“That reminds me,” Tatl started. “I think I saw one of those at Clock Town. We better remember it once we get off of this s-s-stupid mountain.”
“I thought fairies couldn’t get cold,” Saria stated. “That’s what my fairy told me at least.”
“Saria, first, it was never cold at the Kokiri Forest,” Navi told her. “Second, your fairy doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“You had a fairy too?” Tatl asked. “Wouldn’t you think that he would be here too?”
“No,” Saria answered. “He never appeared in the whole story because there were no ideas for him.”
“This place is supposed to be called the Mountain Village,” Link stated. “But there are no houses except for that log cabin over there!”
“I sure hope they have some kind of heating.”
-
-
“What the crap!” Saria shouted. “They’re fireplace is frozen?!”
“UUUUUGH!!” a hairy beast wearing some kind of helmet yelled.
“Shaddap!” a guy wearing a very strange shirt ordered. “You just woke me up from a wonderful dream where I was surrounded by hot women!”
“UUGH!”
The guy glanced at the four behind the desk. “Oh! Customers! Gabora, go fetch our customers some coffee, quick-like.”
“Awesome!” Link cheered.
“Are you out of your mind?!” Navi yelled at the guy. “You can’t give them coffee! They’re underage!”
“Oh, whoops. I didn’t notice,” the guy said. “Never mind, Gabora. Would you like some turkey instead?”
“No thank you.”
“UGOH!!” Gabora roared.
“Dang it,” Link muttered. “No coffee.”
-
-
“It’s pumpkin season,” Link randomly stated when they exited the building. “Pumpkins are awesome.”
“SCREW THAT I’M FREEZING!!” Saria yelled.
“You’re lucky you have long sleeves!” Navi said. “Be thankful for what you have!”
“Whether I’m thankful or not, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to freeze to death!”
“I hope something unexpectedly useful will happen,” Link spoke.
“Like that’s going to happen!”
“Excuse me!” a voice called. There was a Goron on top of a cliff of some sort. “Please help me!”
“Help you with what?” Tatl asked.
“I got stuck up here,” the Goron explained. “I’m so c-c-cold and hungry I can’t even move or remember how I got tuck up here in the first p-place. Can you go get me some food to help me g-get down?”
“What kind of food?”
“Turkey, p-please.”
“Hey! That weird guy inside that building said they had turkey!”
“Well, I think I’ll just go ask them for some…” Saria said and walked into the building. She came out a few minutes later with some turkey meat.
“Why was I hearing yelling in there?” Navi asked.
Saria grinned. “No reason.” She tossed the meat up to the Goron. He ate it quickly and jumped off.
“Thank you! Take these fur coats as a sign of my gratitude!” the Goron thanked.
Link and Saria got Fur Coats!
“Wait, if you were so cold, why weren’t you using them?” Navi questioned.
“Navi!” Link and Saria yelled.
“They were too small,” the Goron answered. “Wait, come to think of it, I could’ve used them somehow…*Darn it.”
“Oh well! Now we won’t freeze to death!” Link cheered, putting his coat on. Tatl zipped into his pocket.
“I think I’ll stay here for a while,” she stated.
“Oh yeah, I want you to have this too!” the Goron told them.
Link got the Don Gero Mask!
“A frog hat? Really?” Tatl asked, peeking out of Link’s coat pocket.
“Remember that getting all the masks will aid you greatly!” the Goron reminded them.
“Why are you talking like the Great Deku Tree all of a sudden?” Saria questioned, buttoning up her coat white Navi flew into her pocket.
“This masks makes all the musical frogs of Termina think you’re their conductor.” And the Goron was off.
“How the freak is that going to help us?”
“Oh well, we do need all the masks,” Link said. “Now let’s stalk behind him like secret agents.” He put on his secret agent hat.
“Link, I thought you sold that,” Navi stated.
“Heck no! I would never get rid of my secret agent hat! OH NO! Me being a secret agent isn’t a secret anymore! AHH!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!”
“Link, we already knew. We’ve known since we beat the Fire Temple back in Ocarina of Time. And besides, you’re not even a real secret agent.”
“Oh. Anyway, let’s go stalk that guy.”
-
-
“Green clothes… Fairies…*Sir could you, by chance, be a forest fairy? Oh my!” Tingle exclaimed.
“Oh freak. Just sell us a map of Snowhead,” Saria told him.
“That’ll be twenty rupees!”
Saria took money out of Link’s wallet again and paid him for the map.
“Well, call again! Tingle, Tingle--”
“JUST GET OUT OF HERE,” Saria yelled.
“Okay, okay!” Tingle floated back up into the air.
“Why do you keep paying for things with my money?!” Link shouted.
“Well, I noticed that when we went back in time, we still had the map, but you had the amout of money you had when we first arrived here. So it doesn’t matter,” Saria said.
“Oh fine.”
-
-
“This is the Goron Village?” Saria asked. “I thought it would be indoors.”
“I wish,” a nearby shivering Goron said. “All the other Gorons are inside, but I’m stuck out here as the gatekeeper.”
“Inside what?”
“One of those giant rocks. I’m so cold I can’t even think…*I feel like I’m just about to--” The Goron suddenly started rolling and soon became a rolling snowball.
“What in the…”
“This is just cruel!” Link exclaimed. “How could they keep this poor Goron out in the cold like this?! I must reason with their leader!” He began marching off, but a few steps later he paused. “Umm…*Where am I going?”
“INTO A SNOW PILE!” Saria pushed him off the ledge and he landed in a huge pile of snow.
“…*Ow? … Hey look! The door!” Link ran over to the entrance to the Goron shrine. “OPEN UP!! I MUST REASON WITH YOUR LEADER FOR GORON ABUSE!!”
“Oh no! It’s the police!!” a Goron inside shrieked.
“OPEN THE DOOR!!!” Link banged on the door with his fists. “…*Ow…”
“Link, forget it. The reason the Gorons are all inside is probably because it’s freezing out here, and if they opened the door, all the cold air would go in,” Navi told him.
“I’m a police man! It’s my duty to deal with situations like that! I will not just let something like this slide!”
“Link, you are not a police man.”
“…*Oh. Darn it.”
-
-
“Hoo-hoot!” Gabe hooted, perched on top of a pillar.
“Oh great, not you again,” Tatl muttered.
“We meet again! Have my stone statues been of help?”
“No. We haven’t used them yet because we didn’t need to.”
“Believe me, when side quests come, you will need them. Anyway, it seems you may have the strength to change the fate of this land as I had expected. But the road ahead is even more challenging. Many trials await you--”
“Hey wait…” Link started. “If Termina is getting destroyed by the moon, why can’t all the people living here just move to Hyrule? I’m sure all those people would be able to get that door open if they worked together.”
“That would not work, Link. It just wouldn’t.”
“I’m pretty sure it would. Do you have any idea how many people might be living in Termina? If they tried, I’m pretty sure they could--”
“No. I mean them going to Hyrule at all. Almost everybody here looks like somebody from Hyrule. It would be weird to have three Malons, wouldn’t it? And four Ingos? Six kids that look exactly the same? And not to mention it would be difficult for people to tell people from each other. Imagine somebody wanting to marry Anju the innkeeper, but ended up marrying the cucco lady instead?”
“Well…*Okay, fine. I guess it wouldn’t work.”
“ANYWAY, the Goron’s land is doomed to be smothered in snow and ice forever. It will become a land where no living thing can survive. Without courage and determination, you surely will collapse from the extreme conditions…”
“Actually, a Goron gave us these coats so that wouldn’t happen.”
“So, will you proceed?”
“Proceed where?” Saria asked.
“To the temple. Save the Gorons from this intense cold.”
“Is that floating cave over there the temple?” Link questioned.
“Well…*no, but you need to go there in order to complete the temple.”
“But getting over there will be impossible! It’s floating in mid air!” Tatl yelled.
“Do not be daunted by appearances. Instead, let your feelings guide you, and the true path shall open before you.”
“Why are you suddenly talking like an elder?”
“That probably means that the item we over there are the Lens of Truth and there’s an invisible path leading over there,” Navi said.
“But how are we supposed to know the invisible path is there?” Saria questioned.
Gabe suddenly started speaking in an old man voice, “You’ll know, young children!” He flew off the pillar he was sitting on and began flying toward the floating cave. As he flew, feathers dropped down and floated in mid air.
“…*I guess that’s how…” Navi spoke.
-
-
Link got the Lens of Truth!
“Wow,” Link exclaimed. “Navi’s like, a psychic.”
“Not really,” Navi said. “I just guess.”
“How did the Lens of Truth get here?” Saria asked.
“Maybe when we sold ours, the Gorons bought it and moved to Termina,” Link suggested.
“Or, not only people have clones, but some items too.”
“Wait a minute,” Navi started. “You sold a magical Sheikah lens to some random person? You didn’t put it back where it rightfully belongs?!”
“Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how hard it would be to put it all the way back into the well?” Saria questioned.
“You could’ve at least given it to Impa or something when you went into the castle to see Zelda!”
“We kinda sold it before that happened… But seriously, do you have any idea how much cash we got out of that? We sold it to an antique shop and got 1000 rupees.”
“HEY! Aren’t we supposed to be focusing on stopping the moon from killing everybody?!” Tatl yelled.
“Oh yeah…” Link said. Navi and Tatl sighed.
-
-
“Holy crap!” Link exclaimed. “I can see real ghosts through this thing!”
“I am sorrowful,” the ghost stated.
“Why?”
“Because I died.”
“Umm…*Okay…”
“No. I died trying to save Snowhead from this winter.”
“But that’s my job now! I don’t want to die!”
“I was by myself. You have people with you.”
“But in the game Link is by himself,” Tatl said. “Well, not counting me flying around his head all the time.”
“My sorrows are overwhelming! I shall go to my grave and express them sorrowfully…” Darmani floated away.
“SECRET STALKING TIME!!” Link put on his secret agent hat again and a pair of sunglasses.
“Link, it’s not very secret if you yell it out loud,” Navi told him.
He whipped his sunglasses off like they do in TV shows. “WELL!”
---
Once we catch up to Twilight Princess, I'll be able to post the short stories. You'll see why
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
Haven't had a chance to read more yet, but I'm posting so you can update!
onebizarrekai
gay energy
All right then, yay :3
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 10: Link Tries to be Cool
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link thought he was a police man, Navi corrected him a lot, Saria stole turkey, Tatl was in Link’s pocket through most of the chapter and Gabe made another stupid appearance.
Now for Chapter Ten.
“Master Gareth,” Link started. “I stole the diamond as you ordered me to.”
“Good, good,” Gareth said, drumming his fingers. “I am proud of you, my servant.”
“What the crap is this?” Navi asked, appearing out of no where.
“Uh…” Link paused.
-
-
Darmani’s Grave…
“What in the heck…” Navi mumbled.
“I am Darmani the Third,” the ghost said. “I am overwhelmingly sorrowful. I would cry if I had tears. But ghosts have no tears.”
“Were you a poet or something?” Tatl asked.
“Why yes I was. Would you like to hear some poetry?”
“Sorry, but we don’t have much time. We only have three days until the moon falls and kills everybody.”
“Well I’m going to say it anyway. Here goes…
Twinkle, Twinkle, little GORON
How I wonder what you GORON
Up above the world so GORON
Like a diamond in the GORON.”
“That’s not poetry!” Saria told him. “You just took Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and but Goron at the end of every phrase!”
“Oh really? I’d like to see you do better!”
“Look guys, we don’t have time for a poetry war!” Tatl shouted, but nobody seemed to notice her.
“Oh, it is on!” Saria yelled at Darmani. “I’ve gone some poetry for you right here!
There was once a stupid Goron
Who ate his pants and was a total moron
But then one day when he died
All the Gorons were saved, and not one cried. Beat that.”
That wasn't very nice, Saria.
Darmani gasped, “How could you say such a thing! Everybody loved me! They loved me so much that they put my grave over a hot spring during this winter curse!”
“Okay, whether they loved you or not, that is just downright stupid,” Tatl said.
“Hey! I suddenly realized what will get rid of his sorrow!” Link exclaimed. He played the Song of Healing on the Ocarina of Time.
“Wow, I feel really dizzy all of a sudden!” Darmani stated.
A few seconds later, there was a Goron mask sitting on the ground.
Link got the Goron Mask!
“Wow! Cool! A Goron Mask!” Link cheered. He put it on and turned into a Goron that looked somewhat like Darmani. And his coat disappeared when he transformed.
“Oh mah gosh,” Tatl muttered.
“Wait a sec, don’t you think we would need it in order to complete the temple?” Saria asked. “What am I supposed to do? Well, it’s not like I want to be one, but…*seriously.”
“Something will be figured out…” Navi said. “Let’s just go back to the Goron Village.”
“Hey wait, didn’t he say that they covered the hot spring with his grave?” Link questioned. He pushed the grave out of the way and hot spring water came out of a drain.
“Stupid Gorons…” Tatl mumbled.
-
-
The team stared at the block of ice that had been inside a giant snowball.
“Holy crap,” Link said. “A old, frozen Goron with a giant bottom lip.”
“This is a pretty unpleasant sighting…” Tatl stated.
A while later, Link brought some hot spring water and defrosted the ice.
“Who knows how long he’s been there. I bet he’s dead,” Saria spoke.
“OH MAH GARSH!” the old Goron exclaimed. “Flippin’ cows, am I seeing things or is ol’ Darmani right fronna meh?”
“…*Or not?”
“I must be seein’ things! Derpsauce, I’m gettin’ old!”
“Umm…*Who the heck are you anyway?” Link asked.
“I’m that ol’ Goron Elder of the Gorons right inside the Goron Shrine in the Goron Village. Ya’ll need anythin’?”
“Well, in a part that was skipped, a little Goron that was apparently your son was crying his face off and putting all the other Gorons in misery,” Tatl said.
“I was wondering if you could do something…”
“Well, I’m an old person, so I probably won’t be able to get back quickly, so I’ll teach ya that ol’ song I use to put my son to sleep. His name is The Goron Elder’s Son.” The Goron Elder took out a bongo drum and played a few notes. “Ah, derple, I can’t remember it all. Just go play it to my kiddo and find out what’ll happen.”
“Uh, sure…”
-
-
“Okay, that was the weirdest Goron I’ve ever met,” Saria stated.
“I hope the other Gorons are different,” Navi said.
-
-
Inside the Goron Shrine…
“BABY BABY BABY OHHHH!!!” a Goron with a high pitched voice sang very loudly. “BABY BABY BABY NOOOOO!! BABY BABY BABY OHHH I THOUGHT YOU’D ALWAYS BE MINE, MINE!!!”
“Holy crap,” Saria spoke. “It’s worse than I thought.”
“Help…” one of the Gorons begged. “He’s been going on for hours. When he’s sad, he sings the most annoying songs he can think of as loud as he can.”
“Okay, good. The Gorons here aren’t as crazy as the elder.”
“Oh, the elder? He’s just weird. He set out in the cold because he thought there was a magic pizza that could grant wishes. Now his son won’t stop singing…”
“Let’s go find out what that song he taught us does to him,” Link said.
“Be careful. The waves of the awful singing can throw you backwards.”
Link put on his sunglasses. “All right.” He whipped them off. “Let’s do this.”
“SEVEN A.M., WAKING UP IN THE MORNING!! GOTTA BE FRESH, GOTTA GO DOWNSTAIRS!! GOTTA HAVE MY BOWL, GOTTA HAVE CEREAL, SEEIN’ EVERYTHING, THE TIME IS GOIN’, TICKIN’ ON AND ON, EVERYBODY’S RUSHIN’, GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE BUS STOP, GOTTA CATCH MY BUS, I SEE MY FRIENDS!!!”
“AHHHH!!!” Tatl screamed. “IT’S TOO MUCH FOR ME!!” She was blown back forcefully into a wall.
A while later…
“AUUUUGH!!!” they all yelled.
“THIS IS AWFUL!!” Saria shouted. “HIS FATHER DID NOT PROPERLY TELL HIM HOW TO DEAL WITH SADNESS!!”
“IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY, EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!! FRIDAY, FRIDAY! GETTIN’ DOWN ON FRIDAY!! EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!!!” The Goron Elder’s Son screamed.
“DRUMICUS GO!” Link said. He took out his ocarina that had turned into drums and played the song the elder had taught him.
“…*Huh? That’s part of the song my daddy always played to put me to sleep! I’ll sing the rest!” He sang the rest of the song, surprisingly, not as loud as possible.
Link played it on his drums. All the Gorons in the room fell asleep.
“…*Wait a minute, if the singing was so horrible, why are there Gorons in here?” Saria asked.
The Goron that they were talking to before walked up, “They were all chained in here. The elder forced them to watch his son while he was gone, and he chained them in here because he thought an evil spirit haunted the store and that they would go there.”
“Okay, maybe we should change the subject before things get more confusing…”
“Good idea.”
“So! Now that the kid is asleep…*How about the Snowhead Temple?” Navi questioned. “Where is it?”
“It’s at the tip of the mountain. A gigantic Goron guards it. However, he’s just as weird as the elder, but not in the same kind of way…*He doesn’t let anybody pass.”
“Do you by any chance know where we can buy a mask that transforms you into a Goron?”
“Those exist?”
“Never mind…”
-
-
On the path to Snowhead…
“What the heck! This sign says that people who can’t roll like a Goron can’t get to Snowhead,” Saria said.
“I HAVE AN IDEA!!” Link suddenly exclaimed. “Navi, put some pixie dust on Saria so she can fly over!”
“Link, this is not the Tinker Bell universe,” Navi told him.
“DA DA DA DAA!!!” Saria sang and took out her rope she had used back at the Deku Palace. She threw it up and it wrapped around a thick branch sticking out of the wall. Don’t ask me how. “Later suckers!” She swung over to the other side.
“Oh come on!” Link yelled.
-
-
“Owl statue!” Link stated. He took off his mask, hit the statue with his sword and put the mask back on.
“YE FOUL BEASTES!!” the giant Goron guarding the Snowhead Temple yelled. “LEAVE OR PERISH!”
“But you don’t even know who we are yet!” Tatl told him.
The Goron suddenly had a british accent, “I don’t care! Fear my name and tremble!”
“Don’t you mean hear my name?”
Then he sounded like an old man. “Shaddap kiddies and get offa mah lawn!”
“So what is your name…?” Link asked slowly.
Then he was speaking French. “Mon nom?! Vous devez être des espions!”
“But you were just about to tell it to us anyway!” Navi said.
“You can speak French?” Tatl questioned her.
“Yeah.”
“…*Really? That’s all? Just yeah? Usually I would expect some previous story reference, but this time just yeah?”
“You want me to make a reference?”
“No! No!”
“I wonder what will happen if I play the Goron Lullaby!” Link stated. He took out his nicknamed Drumicus and played the song he used to put The Goron Elder’s Son to sleep.
“I’mma tard,” the giant Goron spoke. He leaned forward a few times with tired eyes before curling up into a ball, falling asleep and rolling off the edge.
DA DA DA DA DAAAAA!!
“… Okay, either he was saying ‘I’m tired’ or ‘I’m a turd’,” Saria said.
“I’m pretty sure he was saying that he was tired,” Navi told her.
There were a few seconds of silence.
“I’m not hearing the crash--” Tatl started, but was interrupted by a HUGE crash. In fact, it was so huge that it sounded as if the Goron had crashed right through the ground. “…*Holy crap.”
“LET’S DO THIS TEMPLE!” Link yelled, putting on his sunglasses.
“We should probably look for stray fairies too. There probably are some in this temple to,” Navi spoke.
“BOOM!” Link whipped off his sunglasses and put them back on.
-
-
“Look! Little fluff balls!” Link exclaimed when they entered the temple. A bunch of little balls that looked like bunches of thick fog with eyes were jumping around on the floor.
“Link! Those things are evil! They’re trying to trick you with their cuteness!” Navi warned him.
“Navi, they’re not evil! They’re too cute to be evil.” Right when he said that, all of the fluff balls tackled him.
“See?! They’re trying to kill you!”
“No, they’re just tackling me with love!”
“THEY’RE BITING YOU, LINK.”
“Maybe that’s how they show their playfulness.”
“KIIIIIILLLL!!!” one of the fluff balls yelled in a high pitched voice.
“That convince you?” Navi asked.
“Perhaps that’s their language for ‘I love you’!” Link said.
Navi face palmed.
-
-
“WELL WELL!” Link exclaimed, whipping his sunglasses off. “Looks like rollage is required to pass through this room!”
Saria took her rope and swung over to the other side of the room.
“CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!”
-
-
“I bet by shooting arrows through that torch they’ll catch fire and you’ll be able to melt ice,” Navi suggested.
“BOOM!” Link yelled again, shooting an arrow through the torch and melting a huge chunk of ice. Apparently he had taken off his mask during the skip.
“Y’know, we could just burn up the temple, saving time and killing the boss,” Saria said. “After all, we’re going back in time once we deal with this.”
“Saria, the world has many surprises,” Navi told her. “You never know what might happen if you burn up a temple.”
“Lots of fire?”
“That’s not what I mean! You can’t just go burning up the temple!”
“Oh fine.”
-
-
“YEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!” something laughed like an evil old man. An ugly, indescribable creature rose out of some kind of platform.
“Holy crap!” Link exclaimed. “It’s a thingamajig!”
“I think it’s the mini boss,” Navi said.
“DESTROY!!” Saria yelled, drawing her sword.
Seconds later, the mini boss was defeated.
“Wow,” Navi spoke in awe, holding a stopwatch. “Impressive.”
“Yep,” Saria said. “I’m awesome.”
“This is starting to make me wonder how chaotic it was back where you lived,” Tatl stated.
“It actually wasn’t that bad,” Navi told her. “Back then, we had a guardian that made sure everybody was behaving properly. I think that Saria was hiding her true nature the whole time.” She paused. “Wait…”
“Huh?”
“Saria must have just joined us to be free from the forest! She didn’t care about what Link did, she just wanted to get her hands on a sword and be free!”
“Heh heh…” Saria laughed, sweatdropping. “Yeah…”
“…*Well, even if you are crazy, I can’t imagine what this would be like if you weren’t here. I mean, you beat almost all the bosses and kill every enemy that gets in the way in seconds.”
Saria sighed. “Good times…”
“You know what I think we should do?” Tatl asked them. “GET A MOVE ON!”
“Yeah…”
Then they FINALLY realized a treasure chest had appeared after defeating the boss.
“Wow. I can’t believe we didn’t notice that,” Navi said. “Even Link didn’t.”
“I do now!” Link stated. He ran over to the chest and opened it.
Link got Fire Arrows!
“What about me?” Saria questioned.
So did Saria!
“… Oh, whatever. Let’s move…"
---
Well, Saria was being awfully rude to the poor Goron, huh?
She was also tricking the Deku Tree…
She sure is troublesome, isn't she?
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 10: Link Tries to be Cool
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link thought he was a police man, Navi corrected him a lot, Saria stole turkey, Tatl was in Link’s pocket through most of the chapter and Gabe made another stupid appearance.
Now for Chapter Ten.
“Master Gareth,” Link started. “I stole the diamond as you ordered me to.”
“Good, good,” Gareth said, drumming his fingers. “I am proud of you, my servant.”
“What the crap is this?” Navi asked, appearing out of no where.
“Uh…” Link paused.
-
-
Darmani’s Grave…
“What in the heck…” Navi mumbled.
“I am Darmani the Third,” the ghost said. “I am overwhelmingly sorrowful. I would cry if I had tears. But ghosts have no tears.”
“Were you a poet or something?” Tatl asked.
“Why yes I was. Would you like to hear some poetry?”
“Sorry, but we don’t have much time. We only have three days until the moon falls and kills everybody.”
“Well I’m going to say it anyway. Here goes…
Twinkle, Twinkle, little GORON
How I wonder what you GORON
Up above the world so GORON
Like a diamond in the GORON.”
“That’s not poetry!” Saria told him. “You just took Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and but Goron at the end of every phrase!”
“Oh really? I’d like to see you do better!”
“Look guys, we don’t have time for a poetry war!” Tatl shouted, but nobody seemed to notice her.
“Oh, it is on!” Saria yelled at Darmani. “I’ve gone some poetry for you right here!
There was once a stupid Goron
Who ate his pants and was a total moron
But then one day when he died
All the Gorons were saved, and not one cried. Beat that.”
That wasn't very nice, Saria.Darmani gasped, “How could you say such a thing! Everybody loved me! They loved me so much that they put my grave over a hot spring during this winter curse!”
“Okay, whether they loved you or not, that is just downright stupid,” Tatl said.
“Hey! I suddenly realized what will get rid of his sorrow!” Link exclaimed. He played the Song of Healing on the Ocarina of Time.
“Wow, I feel really dizzy all of a sudden!” Darmani stated.
A few seconds later, there was a Goron mask sitting on the ground.
Link got the Goron Mask!
“Wow! Cool! A Goron Mask!” Link cheered. He put it on and turned into a Goron that looked somewhat like Darmani. And his coat disappeared when he transformed.
“Oh mah gosh,” Tatl muttered.
“Wait a sec, don’t you think we would need it in order to complete the temple?” Saria asked. “What am I supposed to do? Well, it’s not like I want to be one, but…*seriously.”
“Something will be figured out…” Navi said. “Let’s just go back to the Goron Village.”
“Hey wait, didn’t he say that they covered the hot spring with his grave?” Link questioned. He pushed the grave out of the way and hot spring water came out of a drain.
“Stupid Gorons…” Tatl mumbled.
-
-
The team stared at the block of ice that had been inside a giant snowball.
“Holy crap,” Link said. “A old, frozen Goron with a giant bottom lip.”
“This is a pretty unpleasant sighting…” Tatl stated.
A while later, Link brought some hot spring water and defrosted the ice.
“Who knows how long he’s been there. I bet he’s dead,” Saria spoke.
“OH MAH GARSH!” the old Goron exclaimed. “Flippin’ cows, am I seeing things or is ol’ Darmani right fronna meh?”
“…*Or not?”
“I must be seein’ things! Derpsauce, I’m gettin’ old!”
“Umm…*Who the heck are you anyway?” Link asked.
“I’m that ol’ Goron Elder of the Gorons right inside the Goron Shrine in the Goron Village. Ya’ll need anythin’?”
“Well, in a part that was skipped, a little Goron that was apparently your son was crying his face off and putting all the other Gorons in misery,” Tatl said.
“I was wondering if you could do something…”
“Well, I’m an old person, so I probably won’t be able to get back quickly, so I’ll teach ya that ol’ song I use to put my son to sleep. His name is The Goron Elder’s Son.” The Goron Elder took out a bongo drum and played a few notes. “Ah, derple, I can’t remember it all. Just go play it to my kiddo and find out what’ll happen.”
“Uh, sure…”
-
-
“Okay, that was the weirdest Goron I’ve ever met,” Saria stated.
“I hope the other Gorons are different,” Navi said.
-
-
Inside the Goron Shrine…
“BABY BABY BABY OHHHH!!!” a Goron with a high pitched voice sang very loudly. “BABY BABY BABY NOOOOO!! BABY BABY BABY OHHH I THOUGHT YOU’D ALWAYS BE MINE, MINE!!!”
“Holy crap,” Saria spoke. “It’s worse than I thought.”
“Help…” one of the Gorons begged. “He’s been going on for hours. When he’s sad, he sings the most annoying songs he can think of as loud as he can.”
“Okay, good. The Gorons here aren’t as crazy as the elder.”
“Oh, the elder? He’s just weird. He set out in the cold because he thought there was a magic pizza that could grant wishes. Now his son won’t stop singing…”
“Let’s go find out what that song he taught us does to him,” Link said.
“Be careful. The waves of the awful singing can throw you backwards.”
Link put on his sunglasses. “All right.” He whipped them off. “Let’s do this.”
“SEVEN A.M., WAKING UP IN THE MORNING!! GOTTA BE FRESH, GOTTA GO DOWNSTAIRS!! GOTTA HAVE MY BOWL, GOTTA HAVE CEREAL, SEEIN’ EVERYTHING, THE TIME IS GOIN’, TICKIN’ ON AND ON, EVERYBODY’S RUSHIN’, GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE BUS STOP, GOTTA CATCH MY BUS, I SEE MY FRIENDS!!!”
“AHHHH!!!” Tatl screamed. “IT’S TOO MUCH FOR ME!!” She was blown back forcefully into a wall.
A while later…
“AUUUUGH!!!” they all yelled.
“THIS IS AWFUL!!” Saria shouted. “HIS FATHER DID NOT PROPERLY TELL HIM HOW TO DEAL WITH SADNESS!!”
“IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY, EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!! FRIDAY, FRIDAY! GETTIN’ DOWN ON FRIDAY!! EVERYBODY’S LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!!!” The Goron Elder’s Son screamed.
“DRUMICUS GO!” Link said. He took out his ocarina that had turned into drums and played the song the elder had taught him.
“…*Huh? That’s part of the song my daddy always played to put me to sleep! I’ll sing the rest!” He sang the rest of the song, surprisingly, not as loud as possible.
Link played it on his drums. All the Gorons in the room fell asleep.
“…*Wait a minute, if the singing was so horrible, why are there Gorons in here?” Saria asked.
The Goron that they were talking to before walked up, “They were all chained in here. The elder forced them to watch his son while he was gone, and he chained them in here because he thought an evil spirit haunted the store and that they would go there.”
“Okay, maybe we should change the subject before things get more confusing…”
“Good idea.”
“So! Now that the kid is asleep…*How about the Snowhead Temple?” Navi questioned. “Where is it?”
“It’s at the tip of the mountain. A gigantic Goron guards it. However, he’s just as weird as the elder, but not in the same kind of way…*He doesn’t let anybody pass.”
“Do you by any chance know where we can buy a mask that transforms you into a Goron?”
“Those exist?”
“Never mind…”
-
-
On the path to Snowhead…
“What the heck! This sign says that people who can’t roll like a Goron can’t get to Snowhead,” Saria said.
“I HAVE AN IDEA!!” Link suddenly exclaimed. “Navi, put some pixie dust on Saria so she can fly over!”
“Link, this is not the Tinker Bell universe,” Navi told him.
“DA DA DA DAA!!!” Saria sang and took out her rope she had used back at the Deku Palace. She threw it up and it wrapped around a thick branch sticking out of the wall. Don’t ask me how. “Later suckers!” She swung over to the other side.
“Oh come on!” Link yelled.
-
-
“Owl statue!” Link stated. He took off his mask, hit the statue with his sword and put the mask back on.
“YE FOUL BEASTES!!” the giant Goron guarding the Snowhead Temple yelled. “LEAVE OR PERISH!”
“But you don’t even know who we are yet!” Tatl told him.
The Goron suddenly had a british accent, “I don’t care! Fear my name and tremble!”
“Don’t you mean hear my name?”
Then he sounded like an old man. “Shaddap kiddies and get offa mah lawn!”
“So what is your name…?” Link asked slowly.
Then he was speaking French. “Mon nom?! Vous devez être des espions!”
“But you were just about to tell it to us anyway!” Navi said.
“You can speak French?” Tatl questioned her.
“Yeah.”
“…*Really? That’s all? Just yeah? Usually I would expect some previous story reference, but this time just yeah?”
“You want me to make a reference?”
“No! No!”
“I wonder what will happen if I play the Goron Lullaby!” Link stated. He took out his nicknamed Drumicus and played the song he used to put The Goron Elder’s Son to sleep.
“I’mma tard,” the giant Goron spoke. He leaned forward a few times with tired eyes before curling up into a ball, falling asleep and rolling off the edge.
DA DA DA DA DAAAAA!!
“… Okay, either he was saying ‘I’m tired’ or ‘I’m a turd’,” Saria said.
“I’m pretty sure he was saying that he was tired,” Navi told her.
There were a few seconds of silence.
“I’m not hearing the crash--” Tatl started, but was interrupted by a HUGE crash. In fact, it was so huge that it sounded as if the Goron had crashed right through the ground. “…*Holy crap.”
“LET’S DO THIS TEMPLE!” Link yelled, putting on his sunglasses.
“We should probably look for stray fairies too. There probably are some in this temple to,” Navi spoke.
“BOOM!” Link whipped off his sunglasses and put them back on.
-
-
“Look! Little fluff balls!” Link exclaimed when they entered the temple. A bunch of little balls that looked like bunches of thick fog with eyes were jumping around on the floor.
“Link! Those things are evil! They’re trying to trick you with their cuteness!” Navi warned him.
“Navi, they’re not evil! They’re too cute to be evil.” Right when he said that, all of the fluff balls tackled him.
“See?! They’re trying to kill you!”
“No, they’re just tackling me with love!”
“THEY’RE BITING YOU, LINK.”
“Maybe that’s how they show their playfulness.”
“KIIIIIILLLL!!!” one of the fluff balls yelled in a high pitched voice.
“That convince you?” Navi asked.
“Perhaps that’s their language for ‘I love you’!” Link said.
Navi face palmed.
-
-
“WELL WELL!” Link exclaimed, whipping his sunglasses off. “Looks like rollage is required to pass through this room!”
Saria took her rope and swung over to the other side of the room.
“CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!”
-
-
“I bet by shooting arrows through that torch they’ll catch fire and you’ll be able to melt ice,” Navi suggested.
“BOOM!” Link yelled again, shooting an arrow through the torch and melting a huge chunk of ice. Apparently he had taken off his mask during the skip.
“Y’know, we could just burn up the temple, saving time and killing the boss,” Saria said. “After all, we’re going back in time once we deal with this.”
“Saria, the world has many surprises,” Navi told her. “You never know what might happen if you burn up a temple.”
“Lots of fire?”
“That’s not what I mean! You can’t just go burning up the temple!”
“Oh fine.”
-
-
“YEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!” something laughed like an evil old man. An ugly, indescribable creature rose out of some kind of platform.
“Holy crap!” Link exclaimed. “It’s a thingamajig!”
“I think it’s the mini boss,” Navi said.
“DESTROY!!” Saria yelled, drawing her sword.
Seconds later, the mini boss was defeated.
“Wow,” Navi spoke in awe, holding a stopwatch. “Impressive.”
“Yep,” Saria said. “I’m awesome.”
“This is starting to make me wonder how chaotic it was back where you lived,” Tatl stated.
“It actually wasn’t that bad,” Navi told her. “Back then, we had a guardian that made sure everybody was behaving properly. I think that Saria was hiding her true nature the whole time.” She paused. “Wait…”
“Huh?”
“Saria must have just joined us to be free from the forest! She didn’t care about what Link did, she just wanted to get her hands on a sword and be free!”
“Heh heh…” Saria laughed, sweatdropping. “Yeah…”
“…*Well, even if you are crazy, I can’t imagine what this would be like if you weren’t here. I mean, you beat almost all the bosses and kill every enemy that gets in the way in seconds.”
Saria sighed. “Good times…”
“You know what I think we should do?” Tatl asked them. “GET A MOVE ON!”
“Yeah…”
Then they FINALLY realized a treasure chest had appeared after defeating the boss.
“Wow. I can’t believe we didn’t notice that,” Navi said. “Even Link didn’t.”
“I do now!” Link stated. He ran over to the chest and opened it.
Link got Fire Arrows!
“What about me?” Saria questioned.
So did Saria!
“… Oh, whatever. Let’s move…"
---
Well, Saria was being awfully rude to the poor Goron, huh?
She was also tricking the Deku Tree…
She sure is troublesome, isn't she?
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
This chapter wa- AHHH! *runs from giant waffle*
onebizarrekai
gay energy
XD (Did anyone reread Chapter 10 of OoT yet? It would be a good idea, since I rewrote the Dark Link scene)
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 11: Grang?
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was weird, Navi discovered Saria’s secrets, Saria made up and offensive poem, Tatl suffered from horrible music and the old Goron elder was spectacularly stupid.
Now for Chapter Eleven.
NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY
60 HOURS REMAIN
Somewhere in the Snowhead Temple…
“YEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!” another one of those ugly creatures laughed hideously.
“Oh, what the crap!” Saria yelled. “Another one of these? In one freakin’ temple?” She sighed and tore it up like the other one. Well, not literally. That would’ve been too violent.
A treasure chest appeared in the middle of the room. Link ran over and opened it.
Link got the Boss Key!
“Wait a second, what happened to picking locks?” Link asked.
“We didn’t come across the door,” Saria replied.
“Oh…*Right.”
-
-
“I wonder why the unlocking of the boss door in the first temple wasn’t included,” Saria said. “It had only been skipped once, in the Spirit Temple.” She unlocked the boss door in front of them. The lock fell on top of Link.
There were a few seconds of silence.
“…*I think that’s going to happen every time for the rest of the series that isn’t going to end any time soon,” Navi spoke.
Link was struggling to get the lock off him. “A little help here?” he asked.
“Yeah…”
Inside the boss chamber…
“Hey! The boss is frozen!” Tatl exclaimed. “That saves a lot of time!”
“How?” Link asked.
“All we have to do is have Saria hit it ridiculously hard with something and it’ll shatter!”
“Great idea!” Navi said.
“BOOM!” Link yelled, shooting a fire arrow at it.
“NO LINK!!!” the others shouted.
All the ice on the monster melted, bringing it back to life. It roared.
“Good going, Link! Now we have to fight it the hard way!” Saria told him.
“BRUCE LEE IS AWESOME!” the boss stated quite loudly.
“Oh great, another obsessed boss.”
Goht(the boss) started to run forward. Saria took a big stick and tripped him.
“PWNAGE.” She defeated it quickly.
“…*What the heck was a giant stick doing on the floor inside a mountain?” Tatl asked.
Saria shrugged. "I dunno…"
“To kill the boss easily, duh,” Link said like a teenaged girl.
A blue light and a heart container appeared in front of them.
Link got a Heart Container!
“BA DADADADADADADADADADA!!!” Link sang.
“Now let’s get out of this freezing mountain already,” Tatl muttered.
“Tatl, it’s not freezing anymore, remember? Skull Kid put a curse of a never ending winter on it, and once we beat the boss it disappeared.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s warm.”
So they entered the blue light.
Link seized Goht’s Remains!
Then they appeared in another place that looked like a world of bubble bath.
“OH GRANG AND MIGHTY GIANT!” Link called.
“Grand,” Navi corrected him.
“That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”
“No, you said grang.”
“Sup people,” the giant said. “I’m the giant of Snowhead. What do you want?”
“We need you to help us stop the moon along with the other giant,” Tatl told him.
“Oh, whatever. Just get on outta here already.”
-
-
They warped outside the temple and appeared back in the Mountain Village.
“…*Hey!! What about the Great Fairy Fountain?!” Saria yelled. “Now we have to go all the way back to Snowhead! Why did they put us here?!”
“You do know we have the Song of Soaring, right? There’s an owl statue at Snowhead,” Navi reminded her.
“Oh, right…” Saria played the Song of Soaring on her ocarina and they were warped to Snowhead.
Right when they appeared there, though, the giant Goron grabbed the path and pulled himself up.
“My head…” he mumbled. “What was I doing again?”
“Uh, guarding Snowhead Temple for some reason,” Link answered.
“Why would I guard Snowhead Temple? It’s not like there’s anything important in there.”
“I think that he hit his head and became sane again!” Navi exclaimed.
“Too bad we’re going to go back in time and he’ll be stupid again,” Saria spoke. “And all the Gorons will be freezing to death again, AND suffering from that kid’s awful, out of key singing while singing really annoying songs--”
“Stop saying all the horrible things that are going to happen once we go back in time!”
-
-
“Finally you show up!” the Great Fairy yelled once all the Stray Fairies combined. “I am the Great Fairy of Courage.”
“What?” Saria asked. “Your hair is blue, your fountain is blue and all those little fairies were blue. Courage? Isn’t it usually green?”
“It’s a little mess up in the game. The first time you come here, I’m the Great Fairy of Courage, and if you decide to gather all the fairies again for some reason, I say I’m the Great Fairy of Wisdom. It’s the same thing for the next temple.”
“So let me guess, the next Great Fairy is green,” Navi said.
“Yes. Now let me give you your gift.”
Link and Saria got bigger magic meters!
Saria grinned, “More magic means more magic arrows!”
-
-
In the Goron Village…
“Hey! That cave that was blocked up by ice before is melted!” Link exclaimed. They ran in.
“Hey there people, did ya come to buy a Powder Keg?” a giant Goron that looked kind of like Monogoron asked.
“What’s a Powder Keg?” Saria asked.
“It’s a huge bomb--”
“I’ll buy one!”
“You didn’t let me finish. It’s a huge bomb that only Gorons can carry. It can blow up giant rocks. But since you’re not a Goron, I probaby shouldn’t have even brought it up.”
Saria shoved the Goron Mask on Link’s face. “He’s a Goron! He can carry it for me!”
“…*What?” Link questioned.
“How much are they?”
“Well, I have to test you to see if you can use them properly first. Will you give it a try?”
“YES.”
“If you can destroy the boulder that blocks the entrance to the Goron Racetrack near here, using the Powder Keg I’m about to give you, I’ll approve you to carry them.”
Saria REALLY wanted to carry them. “Where’s that?”
“It’s on the path to this Goron Village, up a few hills.”
“I don’t know if I want to do this!” Link said.
“Come on Link!” Saria yelled. “I want this bomb! What if we need it?”
“Okay, fine!”
-
-
Much time later, Link finally got to the boulder and the Powder Keg exploded.
“Saria!” Link yelled. “I almost blew myself up! I’m never touching those things again!”
“Well, this one time it was because you were carrying an already lit one,” Saria told him. “All those other times, you’ll just be holding them, unlit, right in front of the target.”
“I don’t care! I’m not carrying a giant bomb for you!”
“Well… Would this change your mind?” Saria took out a box of cream puffs from no where.
“NOM!” Link grabbed the box from her hands.
“Hey! I just realized that the boulder is out of the way!” The Goron Elder’s Son, who had been there the whole time, exclaimed. He ran through the now open path.
“I guess we’re supposed to go in there,” Navi stated.
After a short trip of going back to the Goron who gave them the Powder Keg, and getting a free one, they went into the entrance. There were tons and tons of Gorons doing all sorts of exercises.
“How did they get in here if there was a boulder in the way?” Tatl questioned.
“Hey, what’s going on here?” Link asked, eating cream puffs.
“We’re all preparing for the Goron Race,” a Goron told him.
“Goron Race?”
“Yep! It’s when a bunch of Gorons go rolling down the mountain for no reason and see who finishes first! The prize is a bottle full of gold dust!”
“Why the heck is that useful?”
“Link!” Saria yelled. “It could be extremely valuable!”
“But all our money disappears when we go back in time anyway.”
“Perhaps a different kind of value?”
“Umm…”
“WHAT THE FUDGE JUST ENTER THE RACE!!” Saria pushed him to the starting line, despite the fact he was a heavy Goron.
So, when the Goron Race started, after ten false starts, all the Gorons set off. Link, even though it is not possible in the game, knocked everything in his path aside. Even the trees got knocked over.
Because of this, he won quite easily.
“Yay!” Link cheered. “I won thanks to my totally awesome cheating powers! I mean, I, uh, won.”
“Here’s your prize of Gold Dust!” a Goron said, giving him a bottle full of it.
Link got a Bottle of Gold Dust!
“So, how is it useful?” Link asked.
“Well, there’s a house in the Mountain Village that forges swords,” the Goron replied. “I think I heard that they make a sword really strong if you give them the dust.”
“GO GO GO!!” Saria yelled, pushing Link again.
-
-
So, they went to the Mountain Smithy.
“You want me to upgrade your sword?” the guy sitting on the couch asked.
“Not just any upgrade,” Saria said. “A Gold Dust upgrade.”
“A Gold Dust upgrade? I’m afraid I’ll have to upgrade your sword a first time to do that. It’ll be done tomorrow night.”
“Wait, so it’ll be the third night by the time the swords are comepletely done?!”
“Swords? You have more than one?! That’ll take six days! Are you kidding?”
“Does it seriously take an entire 12 hours if you work on the sword continually?”
“Well…”
“You better work on those swords continually! Don’t keep me waiting! It has to be done by the night after tomorrow, or I’ll burn down your house!”
“Wait a second…*You’re that girl that stole the turkey from our house! You know, I think I won’t help you at all!”
“I’ll burn down your house now then!”
“For the love of Nayru, just upgrade the dang swords,” Navi said. “It’ll be like it never happened.”
Saria eyed the guy on the couch. “Don’t disappoint me!”
-
-
NIGHT OF THE FINAL DAY
12 HOURS REMAIN
“Good thing we have the Song of Double Time,” Link stated, “Or else that would’ve taken forever.”
“Wait a minute, how did you find out it was called that?” Tatl asked. “It’s not like we were ever told…”
“…*I don’t know.”
Inside the Mountain Smithy…
“HEY YOU!” Saria yelled. “Give me my new sword! It better be done!”
The guy, however, was sleeping like he had done nothing at all. He shot up immediantly, “Oh, right. Your sword. Here you go.”
Saria and Link got the upgraded Gilded Swords! They look totally awesome!
“Did you even do anything?” Navi asked the guy on the couch. “Was that hairy beast the only thing doing the work while you sat on your lazy butt?”
“Umm…*maybe,” the guy said slowly.
“GOOD-BYE!” Link told him, playing the Song of Time.
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 12: Navi’s Secret Revealed
Previously on The Legend of Crap, another lock fell on top of Link, Navi really didn’t do anything, Saria became somebody to be scared of even more, Tatl did even less than Navi and the reason Saria became scarier is because she got giant bombs and a new sword. Be fearful.
Now for Chapter Twelve.
DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY
72 HOURS REMAIN
“The quickest way to the ocean is through the West Gate!” Tatl stated.
“Wait,” Link said. “Remember that rock that was blocking the way to Romani Ranch that didn’t go away until the third day?”
“Well, yeah, but I’m surprised you remember at all,” Navi spoke.
“Maybe now that we can carry giant bombs, we can blow that rock away early.”
“Except one problem. We’ll have to buy another one. Upgrades, items and equipment don’t go away, but other random items and the amount that you have of that item do. For example--”
“You don’t need to go that far, all you needed to say was that we needed another bomb,” Saria told Navi.
“You would’ve asked why.”
“No I wouldn’t have.”
“Yes you would’ve!”
“You know, I bet they sell powder kegs at the bomb shop!” Link suggested, changing the subject.
“Okay, let’s go.”
“Wait! The owl statue.” Link ran over to the Clock Town owl statue and hit it with his sword. “That will probably be really useful later.”
-
-
In the Bomb Shop…
“Hey look! A Goron!” Link exclaimed, putting on his Goron Mask.
The Goron uncurled itself, “Oh! Of all places!”
“Was that an annoyed phrase or a happy phrase?”
“You want to buy a powder keg, right? I’ve finally started to stock them! Do you have any idea how hard it is to ship them from a mountain that currently has a never ending winter cursed onto it?” The Goron paused. “Back to the subject… Powder Kegs are 50 rupees.”
Saria was about to reach into Link’s wallet when he pulled it away from her.
“NO,” Link yelled. “You have your own freakin’ wallet. Getting those bombs in the first place was your idea, you have to pay for them.”
Saria groaned, but didn’t fight him. She pulled out her wallet, payed for the powder keg and the Goron gave it to Link. Somehow, it fit in his items bag even though it was half the size of Saria.
“Now let’s get to Milk Road already,” Saria said.
-
-
In Termina Field…
“All right, that Takkuri bird is flying over there, and it seems even more focused than ever,” Tatl stated. “We have to be extra careful.”
“Can’t I just put on my Goron mask so it has nothing to take?” Link asked.
“I’LL SHOW THAT FREAK WHO’S BOSS!” Saria yelled. She shot a fire arrow at the bird. It didn’t die, but thankfully, the bird didn’t swoop down and take her sword. “What the crap?!” She kept shooting arrows at it until it did die. A giant rupee fell on the ground.
Saria got a Huge Rupee! It’s worth a whooping 200 rupees!
“Ooh…”
-
-
When they walked onto the road, Saria hit the owl statue with her sword.
“All right Link, now put on that Goron Mask and put the powder keg right in front of the boulder,” Saria told Link.
“Yes mother,” Link said sarcastically.
“PUT THE STUPID FREAKING BOMB THERE ALREADY!!”
“Okay, okay!” Link put on the Goron Mask and put the powder keg in front of the boulder. The carpenter trying to break the boulder ran away.
A few seconds passed.
“I’M GETTING IMPATIENT!!” Saria yelled. She shot an arrow at the powder keg and it blew up immediately. “Hmm…*Convenient.”
-
-
“…*Hey! I just realized something,” Link said. “Navi said before that there was probably a side quest to get in here on the first day! Here we are doing it now, before being totally unaware of what we were doing.”
Everybody ignored Link.
“Hey!”
Back in that area where the barn and a house were, the little girl, rather than looking like she had been up all night playing video games, was running around a balloon, pretending to shoot arrows off a bow.
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “Hi there!”
“Uh, hi,” Saria said. “We just came for our horses.”
“Those horses?” The little girl pointed to Epona and Chase. “I’m sorry, but after the Gorman Brothers took some of our other horses, we can’t trust strangers anymore. They came here in disguise and--”
“We get the point…”
“What are you doing?” Navi asked.
“Oh, I’m practicing my aim. For when…*they come.”
“The Gorman Brothers?” Link asked.
“Well, that too. But once a year, when the sun sets…*they appear.” She paused. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m telling something personal and I haven’t even given my name yet! I’m Romani, I was named after the ranch.”
“I’m Link, that’s Saria, that’s Navi, and that’s Tatl!” Link pointed to each when he said it.
“Those are cute names! Except…*Link? It’s a pretty nice name, but…*I give you the name Grasshopper, because you’re wearing green!”
Saria, Navi and Tatl burst out laughing.
“Hey!” Link yelled. “It’s not funny!”
“Yes it is!” Saria laughed.
“So anyway…” Romani started. “Every year, when the carnival comes near, they appear, in a beam of light, somehow, to come…*and steal our cows.”
“… You do realize that you rhymed, right?”
“Of course. I wrote it and memorized it in case somebody came and asked.”
Silence.
“Uh, my older sister, Cremia, doesn’t believe me. But I swear, I’m not seeing things. The roof blows up.”
“I believe you,” Link stated. “In fact, I know that it will happen. I’m partially psychic.”
“Really?!”
“Yep.”
The others face palmed.
“Well, you have a bow, right? I’m recruiting an assistant to help me with this. You’ll help me, right?” Romani asked.
“Of course!” Link said cheerily.
“I have a bow,” Saria stated. “I guess I can help too. Maybe I'll get my horse somehow… So when do these aliens come?”
“2:00 A.M. tonight,” Romani answered.
“Actually, that’s tomorrow,” Navi corrected.
“Whatever. Just make sure you’re here before then. Now, we should probably practice beforehand. Are you good at archery on horseback?”
“We have to protect the barn on horseback?!” Link yelled. “Why can’t we just sit on the roof and shoot them all? We can all face in three directions and it’ll be easy.”
“ACTUALLY… I’m going to be inside the barn in case any of them break the roof. You try and keep them away from the barn!”
“So you’re not actually going to do anything?” Tatl asked.
“I said in case they break the roof.”
“But Saria has such good aim and can shoot so quickly that it isn’t needed. Three people will keep them away faster than just two.”
“I WAIT IN THE BARN!”
“Okay, fine.”
“Now let’s practice! We can use those two horses over there.”
-
-
There were twenty balloons scattered all over the ranch. Saria shot 18 and Link shot 2 because Saria was way faster than him.
“Wow! You and those horses work very well together!” Romani exclaimed.
“I told you they were ours,” Link said.
“After a little experience with them, I discovered they seem to like this song.” Romani sang Epona’s song.
“How?”
“Somehow, the black horse was neighing it. I didn’t even know it was possible. Every time the red horse hears it, she comes rushing to where it came from, no matter where you are, and since the black horse seems to like her, he follows her.”
“Wait, but you had them locked up behind that gate,” Navi spoke. “How in the world?”
“Well, once, when the gate was up, my sister gave me permission to let them out for a while, but that’s when the red horse tried to jump over the fence. So we ordered a new fence that took up the whole exit so the horses couldn’t leave, but that’s when the boulder appeared so it couldn’t arrive. We didn’t take any chances of letting the horses out because the boulder might be removed randomly.” She paused when she saw the team’s confused faces. “You know what, just forget it. Be here at 1:30 in the morning. If you don’t come, I swear I’ll…”
“Oh please,” Saria said. “It’ll be easy. No problem.” She paused. “Wait a second. If we already knew Epona’s song, which automatically brings them to us, why couldn’t we have done that before?”
“I think that after you complete the side quest, the gate is gone and Epona and Chase can apparently run through the boulder.”
“NAVI!” Tatl yelled. “You are a liar!”
Navi quickly hid something behind her back. “What?”
“I saw you this time. I SAW YOU!”
Navi looked around innocently. “Saw me what?”
“YOU DO HAVE A STRATEGY GUIDE!!” DUN!
Navi sighed and took out the strategy guide. “Okay, okay, you got me. I’ve had a strategy guide this whole time. I was never guessing.”
Saria suddenly grabbed her, “THAT WOULD’VE BEEN USEFUL IN THE LAST TWO TEMPLES!!”
“Hey! Just be glad we can get through the next two temples easily.”
“Wait a sec…” Tatl said. “Where are you keeping that? You don’t have any pockets big enough. Heck, you don’t even have any pockets at all.”
“That’s the magic of the Legend of Zelda. Where does Link keep all his stuff? He doesn’t have any pockets.”
“At least in Twilight Princess they decide that it doesn’t make any sense and at least show his magic pockets…”
“Wait,” Saria spoke. “If the next temple is a water temple, how are you going to use that if it’s made of paper?”
“That’s the magic of fairies.”
“So what do we do now?”
“We have to make sure we’re back here by 2:00 A.M. Then, the aliens come and you have to shoot them and stop them from getting to the barn or else we lose and Romani gets abducted and brainwashed.”
“I’m going to get abducted if you don’t do this properly?! You better do it right!” Romani yelled.
“It goes on until 5:15 in the morning.”
“Shooting aliens that long? That’s a pretty long time…” Link said, speaking for the first time in a while.
“And how are we supposed to know what time it is?” Saria asked.
“Haven’t you noticed that there’s a clock on the bottom of the screen?”
“Well, no…”
“Well there is one.” Link played the Song of Double Time and it became night time. Romani was gone.
NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY
60 HOURS REMAIN
“I wonder what that looked like to her…” Tatl stated.
“So…*Now what do we do while we wait for two in the morning?”
Saria eyed the gate that Romani had apparently put up to keep them from leaving. “Well, I do have something in mind…” she said.
-
-
“YOU STUPID KIDS RETURN MY DOGS!!!” a fat lady yelled. Link and Saria had taken all of her dogs and let them loose all around the ranch. There were so many dogs that looked the same it was almost unrealistic.
Inside Romani’s house, Cremia stared out the window.
“Romani…” she started. “You see the dogs too, right?”
Romani nodded slowly.
-
-
Romani sat back in a chair behind her window with a bag of hot popcorn as she watched the fat dog lady chased Link and Saria around the ranch as if she were herding goats.
“YOU ROTTEN POTATOES!!! YOU STOP AND ROUND UP MY DOGS OR I’LL PUT YOU IN THE HOLE!!!” the fat lady screamed.
“This is oddly amusing,” Romani stated.
“Romani! What have I told you about being amused by horrible things?” Cremia asked, but then looked out the window and realized it was pretty amusing. “…*I’m getting another chair.”
-
-
Two Termina hours later, Link and Saria had gotten bored of trying to escape from the dog lady. She was so tired out that when Saria told her she would put all the dogs back for a price, she agreed.
“Heh…*100 rupees out of a plain sucker,” Saria laughed, putting the silver rupee in her pocket. “I have to make sure I spend this on something that won’t disappear before we go back in time.”
“You know,” Navi started. “Remember that guy patting his knees back in Hyrule Castle Town? The strategy guide says that the look-a-like of him here owns a bank at West Clock Town, and when you go back in time that money doesn’t disappear.”
“So we could keep the money we can’t do anything with before we go back in time by putting it in the bank, and once we save this place we can take the money out and be rich?”
“Exactly.”
“Wait, what time is it?” Tatl asked.
“8:30 P.M.,” Link answered, using the clock on the bottom of the screen, that apparently only he could see.
“Dang, now what are we going to do?” Saria questioned.
“Go to the bank?” Navi suggested.
“Song of Soaring!” Link said, playing it and they appeared at Clock Town. “Ha ha! A big gate won’t stop us!”
“Now where’s the banker again?” Saria asked.
“West Clock Town,” Navi replied. “He’s not hard to spot. I wonder why we didn’t notice him when we went to the bomb shop.”
“I guess you guys were too busy on what you were thinking about,” Tatl spoke. “I noticed him, though. But he was sitting in a strange kneeling position and waving his arms everywhere, so I thought he was a complete moron and didn’t bother saying anything.”
“But haven’t we been to West Clock Town many times?” Link asked.
“The same thing, I suppose, unless Saria and Navi thought the same thing as I did.”
“Let’s just find this banker, I hope that he’s not some kind of scam and plans on stealing our money.”
“Don’t worry,” Navi said. “The strategy guide knows all.”
-
-
“Hey you! Freak patting his knees!” Saria called to the banker.
“Saria! That is an inappropriate name to call somebody that plans on taking care of your money for you,” Navi told her.
“Finally! I get some business!” the banker said. “Nobody ever comes over here because they think it’s a waste of their time to put their money in a bank. But they thought wrong! I am such a good banker, that no one can get into the vault because I am always here and and I have the ultimate weapon that can scare anybody away. I can even bring your money back in time!”
“We get the idea,” Saria said. “I’d like to make an account here.”
“Me too!” Link stated. “You see, we’re saving the world from that creepy moon floating up there, and we’re constantly going back in time and we need a way to save our money so once we save Termina we can be rich.”
“Link, what random citizen would believe that?”
“Wow! I totally believe you!” the banker said.
Saria face palmed, “Oh, whatever. So, when we came here, we have 300 rupees in our wallets, and right now I have 400 because I got 100 earlier, so I’d like to deposit 300 rupees.”
“Hold on. You need to have me give you a membership card before I can let you deposit anything.”
“Membership card?” Navi asked, looking up from the strategy guide. “I thought you stamped people.”
“Well, I had to stop because people complained about it. So I’ve decided to give people cards rather than stamping their foreheads with invisible ink that only I can see. People found it a bit weird. So, anyway, to make your membership cards, I’ll need your first and last names, your phone number and date of birth.”
“Why?” Saria asked.
“I just do. Now please tell me or no account for you.”
“I’m Saria…” She paused. “Dang it! What do I use for a last name?” Saria thought. “I’m Saria, uh, Beatrice.”
“I’m Dennis Waffle!” Link said without thinking.
“Well nice to meet you, Dennis and Saria!” the banker greeted. “My name is Micheal Pancake!”
“Really?” Tatl asked disbelieveingly.
“Yep! I would now like your phone numbers!”
“What the heck?” Saria questioned.
“Mine is 283-602-7940,” Link spoke, again, without thinking. He didn’t even know what a phone was anyway. (Don't call this phone number and expect Link to pick up)
“Hahaha!” the banker laughed. “I can’t believe you thought phones existed in this era. No need for that. Just give me your date of birth.”
“Do we need to get into years?” Saria asked. “Because nobody knows exactly what time this game takes place is, and me saying the year I was ‘born’ in will just raise more questions.”
“Yeah, good idea. Just give me the date.”
“June 2nd.”
“March 29th! The Great Deku Tree told me,” Link stated.
Link and Saria got their Membership cards!
“Now take the money already so we can get back to the ranch!” Saria yelled.
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 11: Grang?
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was weird, Navi discovered Saria’s secrets, Saria made up and offensive poem, Tatl suffered from horrible music and the old Goron elder was spectacularly stupid.
Now for Chapter Eleven.
NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY
60 HOURS REMAIN
Somewhere in the Snowhead Temple…
“YEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!” another one of those ugly creatures laughed hideously.
“Oh, what the crap!” Saria yelled. “Another one of these? In one freakin’ temple?” She sighed and tore it up like the other one. Well, not literally. That would’ve been too violent.
A treasure chest appeared in the middle of the room. Link ran over and opened it.
Link got the Boss Key!
“Wait a second, what happened to picking locks?” Link asked.
“We didn’t come across the door,” Saria replied.
“Oh…*Right.”
-
-
“I wonder why the unlocking of the boss door in the first temple wasn’t included,” Saria said. “It had only been skipped once, in the Spirit Temple.” She unlocked the boss door in front of them. The lock fell on top of Link.
There were a few seconds of silence.
“…*I think that’s going to happen every time for the rest of the series that isn’t going to end any time soon,” Navi spoke.
Link was struggling to get the lock off him. “A little help here?” he asked.
“Yeah…”
Inside the boss chamber…
“Hey! The boss is frozen!” Tatl exclaimed. “That saves a lot of time!”
“How?” Link asked.
“All we have to do is have Saria hit it ridiculously hard with something and it’ll shatter!”
“Great idea!” Navi said.
“BOOM!” Link yelled, shooting a fire arrow at it.
“NO LINK!!!” the others shouted.
All the ice on the monster melted, bringing it back to life. It roared.
“Good going, Link! Now we have to fight it the hard way!” Saria told him.
“BRUCE LEE IS AWESOME!” the boss stated quite loudly.
“Oh great, another obsessed boss.”
Goht(the boss) started to run forward. Saria took a big stick and tripped him.
“PWNAGE.” She defeated it quickly.
“…*What the heck was a giant stick doing on the floor inside a mountain?” Tatl asked.
Saria shrugged. "I dunno…"
“To kill the boss easily, duh,” Link said like a teenaged girl.
A blue light and a heart container appeared in front of them.
Link got a Heart Container!
“BA DADADADADADADADADADA!!!” Link sang.
“Now let’s get out of this freezing mountain already,” Tatl muttered.
“Tatl, it’s not freezing anymore, remember? Skull Kid put a curse of a never ending winter on it, and once we beat the boss it disappeared.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s warm.”
So they entered the blue light.
Link seized Goht’s Remains!
Then they appeared in another place that looked like a world of bubble bath.
“OH GRANG AND MIGHTY GIANT!” Link called.
“Grand,” Navi corrected him.
“That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”
“No, you said grang.”
“Sup people,” the giant said. “I’m the giant of Snowhead. What do you want?”
“We need you to help us stop the moon along with the other giant,” Tatl told him.
“Oh, whatever. Just get on outta here already.”
-
-
They warped outside the temple and appeared back in the Mountain Village.
“…*Hey!! What about the Great Fairy Fountain?!” Saria yelled. “Now we have to go all the way back to Snowhead! Why did they put us here?!”
“You do know we have the Song of Soaring, right? There’s an owl statue at Snowhead,” Navi reminded her.
“Oh, right…” Saria played the Song of Soaring on her ocarina and they were warped to Snowhead.
Right when they appeared there, though, the giant Goron grabbed the path and pulled himself up.
“My head…” he mumbled. “What was I doing again?”
“Uh, guarding Snowhead Temple for some reason,” Link answered.
“Why would I guard Snowhead Temple? It’s not like there’s anything important in there.”
“I think that he hit his head and became sane again!” Navi exclaimed.
“Too bad we’re going to go back in time and he’ll be stupid again,” Saria spoke. “And all the Gorons will be freezing to death again, AND suffering from that kid’s awful, out of key singing while singing really annoying songs--”
“Stop saying all the horrible things that are going to happen once we go back in time!”
-
-
“Finally you show up!” the Great Fairy yelled once all the Stray Fairies combined. “I am the Great Fairy of Courage.”
“What?” Saria asked. “Your hair is blue, your fountain is blue and all those little fairies were blue. Courage? Isn’t it usually green?”
“It’s a little mess up in the game. The first time you come here, I’m the Great Fairy of Courage, and if you decide to gather all the fairies again for some reason, I say I’m the Great Fairy of Wisdom. It’s the same thing for the next temple.”
“So let me guess, the next Great Fairy is green,” Navi said.
“Yes. Now let me give you your gift.”
Link and Saria got bigger magic meters!
Saria grinned, “More magic means more magic arrows!”
-
-
In the Goron Village…
“Hey! That cave that was blocked up by ice before is melted!” Link exclaimed. They ran in.
“Hey there people, did ya come to buy a Powder Keg?” a giant Goron that looked kind of like Monogoron asked.
“What’s a Powder Keg?” Saria asked.
“It’s a huge bomb--”
“I’ll buy one!”
“You didn’t let me finish. It’s a huge bomb that only Gorons can carry. It can blow up giant rocks. But since you’re not a Goron, I probaby shouldn’t have even brought it up.”
Saria shoved the Goron Mask on Link’s face. “He’s a Goron! He can carry it for me!”
“…*What?” Link questioned.
“How much are they?”
“Well, I have to test you to see if you can use them properly first. Will you give it a try?”
“YES.”
“If you can destroy the boulder that blocks the entrance to the Goron Racetrack near here, using the Powder Keg I’m about to give you, I’ll approve you to carry them.”
Saria REALLY wanted to carry them. “Where’s that?”
“It’s on the path to this Goron Village, up a few hills.”
“I don’t know if I want to do this!” Link said.
“Come on Link!” Saria yelled. “I want this bomb! What if we need it?”
“Okay, fine!”
-
-
Much time later, Link finally got to the boulder and the Powder Keg exploded.
“Saria!” Link yelled. “I almost blew myself up! I’m never touching those things again!”
“Well, this one time it was because you were carrying an already lit one,” Saria told him. “All those other times, you’ll just be holding them, unlit, right in front of the target.”
“I don’t care! I’m not carrying a giant bomb for you!”
“Well… Would this change your mind?” Saria took out a box of cream puffs from no where.
“NOM!” Link grabbed the box from her hands.
“Hey! I just realized that the boulder is out of the way!” The Goron Elder’s Son, who had been there the whole time, exclaimed. He ran through the now open path.
“I guess we’re supposed to go in there,” Navi stated.
After a short trip of going back to the Goron who gave them the Powder Keg, and getting a free one, they went into the entrance. There were tons and tons of Gorons doing all sorts of exercises.
“How did they get in here if there was a boulder in the way?” Tatl questioned.
“Hey, what’s going on here?” Link asked, eating cream puffs.
“We’re all preparing for the Goron Race,” a Goron told him.
“Goron Race?”
“Yep! It’s when a bunch of Gorons go rolling down the mountain for no reason and see who finishes first! The prize is a bottle full of gold dust!”
“Why the heck is that useful?”
“Link!” Saria yelled. “It could be extremely valuable!”
“But all our money disappears when we go back in time anyway.”
“Perhaps a different kind of value?”
“Umm…”
“WHAT THE FUDGE JUST ENTER THE RACE!!” Saria pushed him to the starting line, despite the fact he was a heavy Goron.
So, when the Goron Race started, after ten false starts, all the Gorons set off. Link, even though it is not possible in the game, knocked everything in his path aside. Even the trees got knocked over.
Because of this, he won quite easily.
“Yay!” Link cheered. “I won thanks to my totally awesome cheating powers! I mean, I, uh, won.”
“Here’s your prize of Gold Dust!” a Goron said, giving him a bottle full of it.
Link got a Bottle of Gold Dust!
“So, how is it useful?” Link asked.
“Well, there’s a house in the Mountain Village that forges swords,” the Goron replied. “I think I heard that they make a sword really strong if you give them the dust.”
“GO GO GO!!” Saria yelled, pushing Link again.
-
-
So, they went to the Mountain Smithy.
“You want me to upgrade your sword?” the guy sitting on the couch asked.
“Not just any upgrade,” Saria said. “A Gold Dust upgrade.”
“A Gold Dust upgrade? I’m afraid I’ll have to upgrade your sword a first time to do that. It’ll be done tomorrow night.”
“Wait, so it’ll be the third night by the time the swords are comepletely done?!”
“Swords? You have more than one?! That’ll take six days! Are you kidding?”
“Does it seriously take an entire 12 hours if you work on the sword continually?”
“Well…”
“You better work on those swords continually! Don’t keep me waiting! It has to be done by the night after tomorrow, or I’ll burn down your house!”
“Wait a second…*You’re that girl that stole the turkey from our house! You know, I think I won’t help you at all!”
“I’ll burn down your house now then!”
“For the love of Nayru, just upgrade the dang swords,” Navi said. “It’ll be like it never happened.”
Saria eyed the guy on the couch. “Don’t disappoint me!”
-
-
NIGHT OF THE FINAL DAY
12 HOURS REMAIN
“Good thing we have the Song of Double Time,” Link stated, “Or else that would’ve taken forever.”
“Wait a minute, how did you find out it was called that?” Tatl asked. “It’s not like we were ever told…”
“…*I don’t know.”
Inside the Mountain Smithy…
“HEY YOU!” Saria yelled. “Give me my new sword! It better be done!”
The guy, however, was sleeping like he had done nothing at all. He shot up immediantly, “Oh, right. Your sword. Here you go.”
Saria and Link got the upgraded Gilded Swords! They look totally awesome!
“Did you even do anything?” Navi asked the guy on the couch. “Was that hairy beast the only thing doing the work while you sat on your lazy butt?”
“Umm…*maybe,” the guy said slowly.
“GOOD-BYE!” Link told him, playing the Song of Time.
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 12: Navi’s Secret Revealed
Previously on The Legend of Crap, another lock fell on top of Link, Navi really didn’t do anything, Saria became somebody to be scared of even more, Tatl did even less than Navi and the reason Saria became scarier is because she got giant bombs and a new sword. Be fearful.
Now for Chapter Twelve.
DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY
72 HOURS REMAIN
“The quickest way to the ocean is through the West Gate!” Tatl stated.
“Wait,” Link said. “Remember that rock that was blocking the way to Romani Ranch that didn’t go away until the third day?”
“Well, yeah, but I’m surprised you remember at all,” Navi spoke.
“Maybe now that we can carry giant bombs, we can blow that rock away early.”
“Except one problem. We’ll have to buy another one. Upgrades, items and equipment don’t go away, but other random items and the amount that you have of that item do. For example--”
“You don’t need to go that far, all you needed to say was that we needed another bomb,” Saria told Navi.
“You would’ve asked why.”
“No I wouldn’t have.”
“Yes you would’ve!”
“You know, I bet they sell powder kegs at the bomb shop!” Link suggested, changing the subject.
“Okay, let’s go.”
“Wait! The owl statue.” Link ran over to the Clock Town owl statue and hit it with his sword. “That will probably be really useful later.”
-
-
In the Bomb Shop…
“Hey look! A Goron!” Link exclaimed, putting on his Goron Mask.
The Goron uncurled itself, “Oh! Of all places!”
“Was that an annoyed phrase or a happy phrase?”
“You want to buy a powder keg, right? I’ve finally started to stock them! Do you have any idea how hard it is to ship them from a mountain that currently has a never ending winter cursed onto it?” The Goron paused. “Back to the subject… Powder Kegs are 50 rupees.”
Saria was about to reach into Link’s wallet when he pulled it away from her.
“NO,” Link yelled. “You have your own freakin’ wallet. Getting those bombs in the first place was your idea, you have to pay for them.”
Saria groaned, but didn’t fight him. She pulled out her wallet, payed for the powder keg and the Goron gave it to Link. Somehow, it fit in his items bag even though it was half the size of Saria.
“Now let’s get to Milk Road already,” Saria said.
-
-
In Termina Field…
“All right, that Takkuri bird is flying over there, and it seems even more focused than ever,” Tatl stated. “We have to be extra careful.”
“Can’t I just put on my Goron mask so it has nothing to take?” Link asked.
“I’LL SHOW THAT FREAK WHO’S BOSS!” Saria yelled. She shot a fire arrow at the bird. It didn’t die, but thankfully, the bird didn’t swoop down and take her sword. “What the crap?!” She kept shooting arrows at it until it did die. A giant rupee fell on the ground.
Saria got a Huge Rupee! It’s worth a whooping 200 rupees!
“Ooh…”
-
-
When they walked onto the road, Saria hit the owl statue with her sword.
“All right Link, now put on that Goron Mask and put the powder keg right in front of the boulder,” Saria told Link.
“Yes mother,” Link said sarcastically.
“PUT THE STUPID FREAKING BOMB THERE ALREADY!!”
“Okay, okay!” Link put on the Goron Mask and put the powder keg in front of the boulder. The carpenter trying to break the boulder ran away.
A few seconds passed.
“I’M GETTING IMPATIENT!!” Saria yelled. She shot an arrow at the powder keg and it blew up immediately. “Hmm…*Convenient.”
-
-
“…*Hey! I just realized something,” Link said. “Navi said before that there was probably a side quest to get in here on the first day! Here we are doing it now, before being totally unaware of what we were doing.”
Everybody ignored Link.
“Hey!”
Back in that area where the barn and a house were, the little girl, rather than looking like she had been up all night playing video games, was running around a balloon, pretending to shoot arrows off a bow.
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “Hi there!”
“Uh, hi,” Saria said. “We just came for our horses.”
“Those horses?” The little girl pointed to Epona and Chase. “I’m sorry, but after the Gorman Brothers took some of our other horses, we can’t trust strangers anymore. They came here in disguise and--”
“We get the point…”
“What are you doing?” Navi asked.
“Oh, I’m practicing my aim. For when…*they come.”
“The Gorman Brothers?” Link asked.
“Well, that too. But once a year, when the sun sets…*they appear.” She paused. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m telling something personal and I haven’t even given my name yet! I’m Romani, I was named after the ranch.”
“I’m Link, that’s Saria, that’s Navi, and that’s Tatl!” Link pointed to each when he said it.
“Those are cute names! Except…*Link? It’s a pretty nice name, but…*I give you the name Grasshopper, because you’re wearing green!”
Saria, Navi and Tatl burst out laughing.
“Hey!” Link yelled. “It’s not funny!”
“Yes it is!” Saria laughed.
“So anyway…” Romani started. “Every year, when the carnival comes near, they appear, in a beam of light, somehow, to come…*and steal our cows.”
“… You do realize that you rhymed, right?”
“Of course. I wrote it and memorized it in case somebody came and asked.”
Silence.
“Uh, my older sister, Cremia, doesn’t believe me. But I swear, I’m not seeing things. The roof blows up.”
“I believe you,” Link stated. “In fact, I know that it will happen. I’m partially psychic.”
“Really?!”
“Yep.”
The others face palmed.
“Well, you have a bow, right? I’m recruiting an assistant to help me with this. You’ll help me, right?” Romani asked.
“Of course!” Link said cheerily.
“I have a bow,” Saria stated. “I guess I can help too. Maybe I'll get my horse somehow… So when do these aliens come?”
“2:00 A.M. tonight,” Romani answered.
“Actually, that’s tomorrow,” Navi corrected.
“Whatever. Just make sure you’re here before then. Now, we should probably practice beforehand. Are you good at archery on horseback?”
“We have to protect the barn on horseback?!” Link yelled. “Why can’t we just sit on the roof and shoot them all? We can all face in three directions and it’ll be easy.”
“ACTUALLY… I’m going to be inside the barn in case any of them break the roof. You try and keep them away from the barn!”
“So you’re not actually going to do anything?” Tatl asked.
“I said in case they break the roof.”
“But Saria has such good aim and can shoot so quickly that it isn’t needed. Three people will keep them away faster than just two.”
“I WAIT IN THE BARN!”
“Okay, fine.”
“Now let’s practice! We can use those two horses over there.”
-
-
There were twenty balloons scattered all over the ranch. Saria shot 18 and Link shot 2 because Saria was way faster than him.
“Wow! You and those horses work very well together!” Romani exclaimed.
“I told you they were ours,” Link said.
“After a little experience with them, I discovered they seem to like this song.” Romani sang Epona’s song.
“How?”
“Somehow, the black horse was neighing it. I didn’t even know it was possible. Every time the red horse hears it, she comes rushing to where it came from, no matter where you are, and since the black horse seems to like her, he follows her.”
“Wait, but you had them locked up behind that gate,” Navi spoke. “How in the world?”
“Well, once, when the gate was up, my sister gave me permission to let them out for a while, but that’s when the red horse tried to jump over the fence. So we ordered a new fence that took up the whole exit so the horses couldn’t leave, but that’s when the boulder appeared so it couldn’t arrive. We didn’t take any chances of letting the horses out because the boulder might be removed randomly.” She paused when she saw the team’s confused faces. “You know what, just forget it. Be here at 1:30 in the morning. If you don’t come, I swear I’ll…”
“Oh please,” Saria said. “It’ll be easy. No problem.” She paused. “Wait a second. If we already knew Epona’s song, which automatically brings them to us, why couldn’t we have done that before?”
“I think that after you complete the side quest, the gate is gone and Epona and Chase can apparently run through the boulder.”
“NAVI!” Tatl yelled. “You are a liar!”
Navi quickly hid something behind her back. “What?”
“I saw you this time. I SAW YOU!”
Navi looked around innocently. “Saw me what?”
“YOU DO HAVE A STRATEGY GUIDE!!” DUN!
Navi sighed and took out the strategy guide. “Okay, okay, you got me. I’ve had a strategy guide this whole time. I was never guessing.”
Saria suddenly grabbed her, “THAT WOULD’VE BEEN USEFUL IN THE LAST TWO TEMPLES!!”
“Hey! Just be glad we can get through the next two temples easily.”
“Wait a sec…” Tatl said. “Where are you keeping that? You don’t have any pockets big enough. Heck, you don’t even have any pockets at all.”
“That’s the magic of the Legend of Zelda. Where does Link keep all his stuff? He doesn’t have any pockets.”
“At least in Twilight Princess they decide that it doesn’t make any sense and at least show his magic pockets…”
“Wait,” Saria spoke. “If the next temple is a water temple, how are you going to use that if it’s made of paper?”
“That’s the magic of fairies.”
“So what do we do now?”
“We have to make sure we’re back here by 2:00 A.M. Then, the aliens come and you have to shoot them and stop them from getting to the barn or else we lose and Romani gets abducted and brainwashed.”
“I’m going to get abducted if you don’t do this properly?! You better do it right!” Romani yelled.
“It goes on until 5:15 in the morning.”
“Shooting aliens that long? That’s a pretty long time…” Link said, speaking for the first time in a while.
“And how are we supposed to know what time it is?” Saria asked.
“Haven’t you noticed that there’s a clock on the bottom of the screen?”
“Well, no…”
“Well there is one.” Link played the Song of Double Time and it became night time. Romani was gone.
NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY
60 HOURS REMAIN
“I wonder what that looked like to her…” Tatl stated.
“So…*Now what do we do while we wait for two in the morning?”
Saria eyed the gate that Romani had apparently put up to keep them from leaving. “Well, I do have something in mind…” she said.
-
-
“YOU STUPID KIDS RETURN MY DOGS!!!” a fat lady yelled. Link and Saria had taken all of her dogs and let them loose all around the ranch. There were so many dogs that looked the same it was almost unrealistic.
Inside Romani’s house, Cremia stared out the window.
“Romani…” she started. “You see the dogs too, right?”
Romani nodded slowly.
-
-
Romani sat back in a chair behind her window with a bag of hot popcorn as she watched the fat dog lady chased Link and Saria around the ranch as if she were herding goats.
“YOU ROTTEN POTATOES!!! YOU STOP AND ROUND UP MY DOGS OR I’LL PUT YOU IN THE HOLE!!!” the fat lady screamed.
“This is oddly amusing,” Romani stated.
“Romani! What have I told you about being amused by horrible things?” Cremia asked, but then looked out the window and realized it was pretty amusing. “…*I’m getting another chair.”
-
-
Two Termina hours later, Link and Saria had gotten bored of trying to escape from the dog lady. She was so tired out that when Saria told her she would put all the dogs back for a price, she agreed.
“Heh…*100 rupees out of a plain sucker,” Saria laughed, putting the silver rupee in her pocket. “I have to make sure I spend this on something that won’t disappear before we go back in time.”
“You know,” Navi started. “Remember that guy patting his knees back in Hyrule Castle Town? The strategy guide says that the look-a-like of him here owns a bank at West Clock Town, and when you go back in time that money doesn’t disappear.”
“So we could keep the money we can’t do anything with before we go back in time by putting it in the bank, and once we save this place we can take the money out and be rich?”
“Exactly.”
“Wait, what time is it?” Tatl asked.
“8:30 P.M.,” Link answered, using the clock on the bottom of the screen, that apparently only he could see.
“Dang, now what are we going to do?” Saria questioned.
“Go to the bank?” Navi suggested.
“Song of Soaring!” Link said, playing it and they appeared at Clock Town. “Ha ha! A big gate won’t stop us!”
“Now where’s the banker again?” Saria asked.
“West Clock Town,” Navi replied. “He’s not hard to spot. I wonder why we didn’t notice him when we went to the bomb shop.”
“I guess you guys were too busy on what you were thinking about,” Tatl spoke. “I noticed him, though. But he was sitting in a strange kneeling position and waving his arms everywhere, so I thought he was a complete moron and didn’t bother saying anything.”
“But haven’t we been to West Clock Town many times?” Link asked.
“The same thing, I suppose, unless Saria and Navi thought the same thing as I did.”
“Let’s just find this banker, I hope that he’s not some kind of scam and plans on stealing our money.”
“Don’t worry,” Navi said. “The strategy guide knows all.”
-
-
“Hey you! Freak patting his knees!” Saria called to the banker.
“Saria! That is an inappropriate name to call somebody that plans on taking care of your money for you,” Navi told her.
“Finally! I get some business!” the banker said. “Nobody ever comes over here because they think it’s a waste of their time to put their money in a bank. But they thought wrong! I am such a good banker, that no one can get into the vault because I am always here and and I have the ultimate weapon that can scare anybody away. I can even bring your money back in time!”
“We get the idea,” Saria said. “I’d like to make an account here.”
“Me too!” Link stated. “You see, we’re saving the world from that creepy moon floating up there, and we’re constantly going back in time and we need a way to save our money so once we save Termina we can be rich.”
“Link, what random citizen would believe that?”
“Wow! I totally believe you!” the banker said.
Saria face palmed, “Oh, whatever. So, when we came here, we have 300 rupees in our wallets, and right now I have 400 because I got 100 earlier, so I’d like to deposit 300 rupees.”
“Hold on. You need to have me give you a membership card before I can let you deposit anything.”
“Membership card?” Navi asked, looking up from the strategy guide. “I thought you stamped people.”
“Well, I had to stop because people complained about it. So I’ve decided to give people cards rather than stamping their foreheads with invisible ink that only I can see. People found it a bit weird. So, anyway, to make your membership cards, I’ll need your first and last names, your phone number and date of birth.”
“Why?” Saria asked.
“I just do. Now please tell me or no account for you.”
“I’m Saria…” She paused. “Dang it! What do I use for a last name?” Saria thought. “I’m Saria, uh, Beatrice.”
“I’m Dennis Waffle!” Link said without thinking.
“Well nice to meet you, Dennis and Saria!” the banker greeted. “My name is Micheal Pancake!”
“Really?” Tatl asked disbelieveingly.
“Yep! I would now like your phone numbers!”
“What the heck?” Saria questioned.
“Mine is 283-602-7940,” Link spoke, again, without thinking. He didn’t even know what a phone was anyway. (Don't call this phone number and expect Link to pick up)
“Hahaha!” the banker laughed. “I can’t believe you thought phones existed in this era. No need for that. Just give me your date of birth.”
“Do we need to get into years?” Saria asked. “Because nobody knows exactly what time this game takes place is, and me saying the year I was ‘born’ in will just raise more questions.”
“Yeah, good idea. Just give me the date.”
“June 2nd.”
“March 29th! The Great Deku Tree told me,” Link stated.
Link and Saria got their Membership cards!
“Now take the money already so we can get back to the ranch!” Saria yelled.
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
I am now! and I'm like 4 chapters behind on this one XD
onebizarrekai
gay energy
Lol, don't rush yourself XD I can wait for you to read the chapters before you post, but I'm going to end up posting a chapter every time I post anyway 
--
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 13: The Beastly Arrow Master
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was given a ridiculous nickname, Navi was discovered to have a strategy guide this whole time, Saria got undeserved money from a fat lady, Tatl didn’t really do much except for find out Navi had a strategy guide and the four were put into a side quest to shoot aliens.
Now for Chapter Thirteen.
“What time is it?” Saria asked Link. They were sitting on the roof of Romani and Cremia’s house at the ranch.
“1:40…” Link replied.
Romani suddenly stepped out of her house with her bow.
“Hi there, Romani!”
“Shhhh!!” Romani “shhed” harshly. “My sister is asleep. They’re coming in twenty minutes. Be prepared.”
“Well, actually, time in Termina passes faster, so twenty Termina minutes.”
“Whatever. Now remember that if you run out of arrows, there are some in that box right there.” Romani walked into the barn.
Twenty Termina minutes later…
A beam of light shot down an aliens appeared everywhere.
“Do you think they can speak our language?” Link asked.
“You idiot! Shoot them!” Saria yelled. She began rapidly firing arrows and ran out in just a minute. “Crap! I need more!” She jumped off the roof, broke the arrow box and took thirty more.
After about two Termina hours of shooting off aliens though, they stopped appearing.
“…*Huh? What happened to five in the morning?”
The beam of light where the aliens were coming from shot back up in the sky. Something that sounded like “I can’t believe she killed all of our minions!” and then it was gone.
Romani peeked out of the barn door, “Did something happen? I don’t hear them anymore.”
“Yes, something happened. Apparently, I killed all of them.”
“That’s possible? I thought maybe they could just be constantly replaced.”
“I guess not. So what’s our reward? We should get an even better one for saving you another hour of sleep.”
“Here!” Romani handed her a bottle.
Saria got a Bottle full of Milk!
“That’s our reward?” Saria asked, annoyed.
Navi looked up from the strategy guide, “That’s your normal reward.”
“You’re not going to throw in some cash or something?”
“I’m eleven years old, you expect some kind of money reward?” Romani questioned.
“I was kind of hoping so.”
“I don’t have that kind of money sitting around! It’s all in my savings for my very own pony.”
“Well you can’t just give us a bottle full of milk.”
“I don’t have any other rewards. However, tomorrow night, my sister plans on going to Clock Town to deliver milk because the boulder is out of the way, and she might have a reward for you because the Gorman Brothers will probably attack the carriage.”
“This is another part of the side quest, isn’t it.”
“Indeed it is,” Navi told Saria.
“If you want to go, she’s leaving at specifically 6:00 P.M. tomorrow,” Romani spoke.
“Hey, that’s exactly where the song that moves us forward in time takes us! This’ll be a piece of cake, we only need to play it twice,” Saria said.
“Well I’m going back to bed. I don’t want to alarm my sister!” Romani ran back inside her house.
“Well, I suppose that now we play the Song of Double Time,” Navi said.
“Song of Double Time?” Saria asked.
“That’s what it’s called.”
“ZZZZZ…” Link snored. He was asleep on the grass.
“Well, can’t blame him. We haven’t gotten sleep for such a long time,” Tatl spoke. “Well, technically, we haven’t gotten sleep at all since the before the story.”
“Oh, well,” Saria said. “Might as well sleep too.” She lay down on the grass and quickly fell asleep, even though she never showed any signs of being tired.
“Finally, they decide to sleep!” Navi wispered. “At least now I can sleep too.” She grabbed Link’s hat and went into it.
“It’s only going to be like, two hours because the cucco is going to crow at six,” Tatl stated. “Oh well…” She joined Navi.
DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY
48 HOURS REMAIN
The cucco crowed. Quite loudly.
Saria rubbed her eyes. “Is it just me or did that crow come directly from the barn?” she asked nobody in particular. “Link, get up.” She pushed him.
“Five more minutes…” Link complained, turning over.
“GET UP!!”
Inside Romani’s and Cremia’s house, the two girls were already getting ready for the day. Romani looked out the window.
“Sister, there are people sleeping on our lawn,” she stated.
“Aren’t those the kids who let the dogs out?” Cremia asked. “And don’t you even dare make that stupid reference.”
“Yes, sister…”
Back outside…
“Okay, I’m up!” Link said. “How did my hat get on the ground?”
“I think Navi and Tatl are sleeping in it,” Saria answered.
Link grinned. He was planning to grab it and violently shake it, but Navi zipped out of it.
“BOO!” she yelled. Link jumped. “Ha!”
“HOLY CRAP!” Link screamed.
Cremia opened their window, “What the heck are you doing on our property?”
“SONG OF DOUBLE TIME!” Navi ordered.
NIGHT OF THE SECOND DAY
36 HOURS REMAIN
“Hi,” Link greeted Cremia, who was sitting on the driver’s seat of the carriage.
“…*Hello there,” Cremia answered slowly. “I’m going to Clock Town to deliver milk. Romani told me that you might show up to help out in case anything happened. By the way, why were you on our lawn this morning? And why did you randomly disappear?”
“Long story,” Navi replied. “But as you said, we’re here to help in case anything happened.”
“Well, okay then. Climb aboard.”
Some carriage entering later, the carriage started moving.
“It’s just…*I’ve been so lonely lately,” Cremia spoke. “All I have is my sister. That fat lady and the mohawk guy are paying me to stay here, but they aren’t even my friends at all. And those Gorman brothers are our mortal enemies. My best friend lives back at Clock Town, and I haven’t seen her since that boulder appeared. Strangely, though, the strange bird that flies around near Milk Road leaves me alone, even though I’ve heard it steals people’s things. My best friend is Anju… She’s engaged to a handsome man named Kafei. He’s so handsome, I should be proud of her rather than being jealous…”
The cart suddenly stopped.
“Looks like those Gorman brothers really don’t want us to pass. They’ve put a gate up.”
“Well crap,” Saria said.
“We’ll have to go through ugly country to get through this… The Gorman brothers might attack us, so just scare them off with your arrows.”
“Don’t worry about hitting them,” Navi told Link and Saria. “The strategy guide says that they don’t die. And you also have infinite arrows.”
“Nice,” Saria stated.
The carriage started moving again, and two Gorman brothers that looked like they were wearing ninja masks came up to them on horses.
“They want to shatter the milk cans!” Cremia warned. “Don’t them them come close to the carriage!”
“Pfft. If I could take out all the aliens before they’re even supposed to stop appearing, except this time I have infinite arrows, this will be even easier,” Saria said. She took out her bow and started rapidly firing. What the strategy guide said was true, her quiver never ran out of arrows, somehow…
“AAUUGH!!” the Gorman brothers yelled. “RETREAT!!” And their horses ran in the opposite direction of the cart.
“Wow,” Navi spoke in awe. “You got rid of them early, too. We’re supposed to be at the other side by the time they stop attacking, and we’re only halfway through.”
“That was pretty quick,” Cremia stated. “I thought they would be chasing us the whole time.”
“I am the beastly arrow master,” Saria said.
-
-
“Thanks a lot for helping me deliver the milk,” Cremia thanked them, once she came back to them from bringing the milk to wherever. “Without you, I would’ve been screwed. Now how about a reward?”
“Is it bomb arrows?” Saria asked excitedly.
“That would be quite a disaster,” Navi said. “Two of Saria’s favorite weapons besides her sword combined.”
“Is it a kitten?” Link questioned.
“It’s another mask, isn’t it,” Tatl spoke.
“It’s a mask!” Cremia announced.
Link and Saria got…*cow masks?
“How the heck are these useful besides making us look like total idiots?” Saria asked.
“Oh, they aren’t any cow masks. In fact, usually, only adults like me have them,” Cremia told her. “Those masks are memberships to let you into the Clock Town bar.”
“Bar?” Navi questioned, wide-eyed. “Have you even been paying attention to their age? First that guy going to give them coffee, and now you’re giving them permisson to enter a bar?”
“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing. It’s just a milk bar.”
“Then why can only adults get in?”
“Well, that’s kind of just the way it is. Do you really expect a resturant that serves nothing but milk to be filled with kids?”
“I guess that kind of makes sense.”
“I suddenly want milk!” Link stated. He took out that bottle that he got from earlier and drank all the milk.
“Uh, wasn’t that sitting in your pocket for almost 24 hours?” Saria asked.
“Milk would never got bad in that short of a time in this game.”
“Holy crap, I’ve only had three lines throughout this whole chapter!” Tatl exclaimed. “I’m becoming less important as the story goes on!”
“Then talk more like you’re actually a part of the story!” Navi told her.
“How about I get the strategy guide? You already spoke enough without it.”
“No!”
“Hey, how about you guys shut up and we leave already?” Saria asked. “I want to check out this bar that we just got access too.”
“It doesn’t open until 10:00,” Cremia said.
“Um…*Shouldn’t you be gone by now?”
“Oh. Right.” Cremia climbed onto her carriage and drove off.
“I bet she was delivering that milk to the milk bar,” Link stated.
“NO DUH!” Saria yelled.
“Let’s go there!”
“It’s not open until ten,” Tatl said.
“Well it’s seven right now. So we just have three Termina hours before it opens.”
“Well what are we going to do for three hours?”
“Let’s just go to Clock Town and wander around for three hours!”
“Well, there’s nothing else to do, after all. But I hope that we actually do something while we’re waiting,” Navi spoke.
In Clock Town…
“I can’t believe we’re waiting three hours just so that we can enter the stupid milk bar,” Tatl said.
“Hey, we’re not waiting! We’re going around doing stuff,” Link told her. He dragged them over to East Clock Town. “See those platforms over there? It looked like there would be something on that building roof, right?” Link ran off for a few minutes and came back with a silver rupee. “I found this on the roof.”
“Hey, what if that belongs to somebody?” Navi asked.
“Who would leave a silver rupee hidden behind a sign on a roof that is difficult to access because you have to jump over a bunch of platform and even jump off tiny platform that you can hardly balance on inside a treasure chest? Of course we’re supposed to get it!”
“Hey, I have an idea!” Saria exclaimed. “How about every time we go back in time, we get that rupee and put it in the bank so we’ll have even more money?”
“I’m going to put this in the bank!” Link ran off again and was back in another few minutes.
“So… What do we do now?”
-
-
Three hours later…
“Are you serious? Did you just skip three hours forward?” Saria asked.
“Hey, the milk bar is open!” Link exclaimed. He ran over to the door and grabbed the handle. The door was locked. “Hey! It’s supposed to be open.”
“Before we can unlock the door, you must show proof of membership,” somebody behind the door said.
“I have the mask.” Link held it up.
“You have to wear it.”
“Are you kidding? Why would an adult wear a stupid mask like that?” Tatl asked.
“It is the rules.”
Some complaining later, they walked into the milk bar. Saria took off the mask immediantly.
“If I’m already in here, I don’t need to wear it anymore,” she said.
“Wait a second, it sounded like the voice was behind the door, but there’s nobody here,” Navi stated.
Saria walked over to the desk. “I’ll take a glass.”
“Ma’am, it’s the rules,” the Talon look-a-like told her. “You have to wear the mask inside the bar.”
“Then how come he isn’t?” Saria pointed to the man that looked like Ingo when he owned the Lon Lon Ranch and was brainwashed by Ganondorf.
“G-give me another glass!” the Ingo man ordered. “I have to get my sorrows off my mind!”
“I know! I’ll play the Song of Healing!” Link stated, taking out the Ocarina of Time.
“No, Link. This does not seem like one of those situations,” Navi told him. “And the strategy guide does not say to do that.”
“Then what does it say to do?”
“It says you’re supposed to talk to that short, fat Zora over there and you’ll make some music and that will make that guy happy. Then he’ll give you a mask. However, you can’t do it until after you go to the Great Bay because you need the transformation mask you get there.”
“Hey, you,” Saria started, looking at the Talon man.
“My name is Mr. Barten,” he told her.
“I think you should change your idea of membership and start making it a membership card rather than a ridiculous looking mask. The banker changed his because nobody like his idea of stamping people with invisible ink that no one could see but him.”
“Yes, but it isn’t possible to copy a mask. It is possible to copy a membership card and put your name on it. I like my idea more.” Yeah, their membership cards weren't very good back then.
“But nobody else does! And nobody even follows it! You still haven’t answered my question about Ingo not wearing the mask.”
“My name is Gorman, not Ingo,” the Ingo man stated.
“And wait, this place just opened when we came in, so how was he already here?”
“Those are all things the game creators never bothered to explain,” Mr. Barten said.
“Just give me the milk already! I have the freaking mask, and you know that. I will not wear it. I suggest you change your rules! If he can drink milk without the mask, so can I! Now give it to me already!”
“Fine, fine! Do you want regular milk or Chateau Romani?”
“What’s Chateau Romani?”
“It’s Romani Ranch’s special milk from their special cows that only they have. It isn’t milk that was just processed to taste better. Chateau Romani is 200 rupees.”
“200 rupees for a glass of milk?!”
“Hey, Saria, we’re going back in time after this anyway, so you can enjoy it and then get your money back,” Navi whispered to her.
“I’ll take one!” Saria put her money on the shelf and drank all the milk Mr. Barten gave her. “Wow, best milk I’ve ever tasted!”
“Hic!” Gorman hiccuped.
“Shut up.”
“I want some!” Link stated. He put his money on the table too and drank the milk Mr. Barten gave him. He said nothing, but he made a face of pure happiness.
“The strategy guide says that when you drink Chateau Romani, you get infinite magic until you play the Song of Time,” Navi explained. “That’s probably why it’s so expensive.”
“It also tastes really good.”
“So, we’re off to the Great Bay now, are we?”
“Yes we are.” Link played the Song of Time.
---
Oh Din, what if Chateau Romani is alcohol-related?
--
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 13: The Beastly Arrow Master
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was given a ridiculous nickname, Navi was discovered to have a strategy guide this whole time, Saria got undeserved money from a fat lady, Tatl didn’t really do much except for find out Navi had a strategy guide and the four were put into a side quest to shoot aliens.
Now for Chapter Thirteen.
“What time is it?” Saria asked Link. They were sitting on the roof of Romani and Cremia’s house at the ranch.
“1:40…” Link replied.
Romani suddenly stepped out of her house with her bow.
“Hi there, Romani!”
“Shhhh!!” Romani “shhed” harshly. “My sister is asleep. They’re coming in twenty minutes. Be prepared.”
“Well, actually, time in Termina passes faster, so twenty Termina minutes.”
“Whatever. Now remember that if you run out of arrows, there are some in that box right there.” Romani walked into the barn.
Twenty Termina minutes later…
A beam of light shot down an aliens appeared everywhere.
“Do you think they can speak our language?” Link asked.
“You idiot! Shoot them!” Saria yelled. She began rapidly firing arrows and ran out in just a minute. “Crap! I need more!” She jumped off the roof, broke the arrow box and took thirty more.
After about two Termina hours of shooting off aliens though, they stopped appearing.
“…*Huh? What happened to five in the morning?”
The beam of light where the aliens were coming from shot back up in the sky. Something that sounded like “I can’t believe she killed all of our minions!” and then it was gone.
Romani peeked out of the barn door, “Did something happen? I don’t hear them anymore.”
“Yes, something happened. Apparently, I killed all of them.”
“That’s possible? I thought maybe they could just be constantly replaced.”
“I guess not. So what’s our reward? We should get an even better one for saving you another hour of sleep.”
“Here!” Romani handed her a bottle.
Saria got a Bottle full of Milk!
“That’s our reward?” Saria asked, annoyed.
Navi looked up from the strategy guide, “That’s your normal reward.”
“You’re not going to throw in some cash or something?”
“I’m eleven years old, you expect some kind of money reward?” Romani questioned.
“I was kind of hoping so.”
“I don’t have that kind of money sitting around! It’s all in my savings for my very own pony.”
“Well you can’t just give us a bottle full of milk.”
“I don’t have any other rewards. However, tomorrow night, my sister plans on going to Clock Town to deliver milk because the boulder is out of the way, and she might have a reward for you because the Gorman Brothers will probably attack the carriage.”
“This is another part of the side quest, isn’t it.”
“Indeed it is,” Navi told Saria.
“If you want to go, she’s leaving at specifically 6:00 P.M. tomorrow,” Romani spoke.
“Hey, that’s exactly where the song that moves us forward in time takes us! This’ll be a piece of cake, we only need to play it twice,” Saria said.
“Well I’m going back to bed. I don’t want to alarm my sister!” Romani ran back inside her house.
“Well, I suppose that now we play the Song of Double Time,” Navi said.
“Song of Double Time?” Saria asked.
“That’s what it’s called.”
“ZZZZZ…” Link snored. He was asleep on the grass.
“Well, can’t blame him. We haven’t gotten sleep for such a long time,” Tatl spoke. “Well, technically, we haven’t gotten sleep at all since the before the story.”
“Oh, well,” Saria said. “Might as well sleep too.” She lay down on the grass and quickly fell asleep, even though she never showed any signs of being tired.
“Finally, they decide to sleep!” Navi wispered. “At least now I can sleep too.” She grabbed Link’s hat and went into it.
“It’s only going to be like, two hours because the cucco is going to crow at six,” Tatl stated. “Oh well…” She joined Navi.
DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY
48 HOURS REMAIN
The cucco crowed. Quite loudly.
Saria rubbed her eyes. “Is it just me or did that crow come directly from the barn?” she asked nobody in particular. “Link, get up.” She pushed him.
“Five more minutes…” Link complained, turning over.
“GET UP!!”
Inside Romani’s and Cremia’s house, the two girls were already getting ready for the day. Romani looked out the window.
“Sister, there are people sleeping on our lawn,” she stated.
“Aren’t those the kids who let the dogs out?” Cremia asked. “And don’t you even dare make that stupid reference.”
“Yes, sister…”
Back outside…
“Okay, I’m up!” Link said. “How did my hat get on the ground?”
“I think Navi and Tatl are sleeping in it,” Saria answered.
Link grinned. He was planning to grab it and violently shake it, but Navi zipped out of it.
“BOO!” she yelled. Link jumped. “Ha!”
“HOLY CRAP!” Link screamed.
Cremia opened their window, “What the heck are you doing on our property?”
“SONG OF DOUBLE TIME!” Navi ordered.
NIGHT OF THE SECOND DAY
36 HOURS REMAIN
“Hi,” Link greeted Cremia, who was sitting on the driver’s seat of the carriage.
“…*Hello there,” Cremia answered slowly. “I’m going to Clock Town to deliver milk. Romani told me that you might show up to help out in case anything happened. By the way, why were you on our lawn this morning? And why did you randomly disappear?”
“Long story,” Navi replied. “But as you said, we’re here to help in case anything happened.”
“Well, okay then. Climb aboard.”
Some carriage entering later, the carriage started moving.
“It’s just…*I’ve been so lonely lately,” Cremia spoke. “All I have is my sister. That fat lady and the mohawk guy are paying me to stay here, but they aren’t even my friends at all. And those Gorman brothers are our mortal enemies. My best friend lives back at Clock Town, and I haven’t seen her since that boulder appeared. Strangely, though, the strange bird that flies around near Milk Road leaves me alone, even though I’ve heard it steals people’s things. My best friend is Anju… She’s engaged to a handsome man named Kafei. He’s so handsome, I should be proud of her rather than being jealous…”
The cart suddenly stopped.
“Looks like those Gorman brothers really don’t want us to pass. They’ve put a gate up.”
“Well crap,” Saria said.
“We’ll have to go through ugly country to get through this… The Gorman brothers might attack us, so just scare them off with your arrows.”
“Don’t worry about hitting them,” Navi told Link and Saria. “The strategy guide says that they don’t die. And you also have infinite arrows.”
“Nice,” Saria stated.
The carriage started moving again, and two Gorman brothers that looked like they were wearing ninja masks came up to them on horses.
“They want to shatter the milk cans!” Cremia warned. “Don’t them them come close to the carriage!”
“Pfft. If I could take out all the aliens before they’re even supposed to stop appearing, except this time I have infinite arrows, this will be even easier,” Saria said. She took out her bow and started rapidly firing. What the strategy guide said was true, her quiver never ran out of arrows, somehow…
“AAUUGH!!” the Gorman brothers yelled. “RETREAT!!” And their horses ran in the opposite direction of the cart.
“Wow,” Navi spoke in awe. “You got rid of them early, too. We’re supposed to be at the other side by the time they stop attacking, and we’re only halfway through.”
“That was pretty quick,” Cremia stated. “I thought they would be chasing us the whole time.”
“I am the beastly arrow master,” Saria said.
-
-
“Thanks a lot for helping me deliver the milk,” Cremia thanked them, once she came back to them from bringing the milk to wherever. “Without you, I would’ve been screwed. Now how about a reward?”
“Is it bomb arrows?” Saria asked excitedly.
“That would be quite a disaster,” Navi said. “Two of Saria’s favorite weapons besides her sword combined.”
“Is it a kitten?” Link questioned.
“It’s another mask, isn’t it,” Tatl spoke.
“It’s a mask!” Cremia announced.
Link and Saria got…*cow masks?
“How the heck are these useful besides making us look like total idiots?” Saria asked.
“Oh, they aren’t any cow masks. In fact, usually, only adults like me have them,” Cremia told her. “Those masks are memberships to let you into the Clock Town bar.”
“Bar?” Navi questioned, wide-eyed. “Have you even been paying attention to their age? First that guy going to give them coffee, and now you’re giving them permisson to enter a bar?”
“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing. It’s just a milk bar.”
“Then why can only adults get in?”
“Well, that’s kind of just the way it is. Do you really expect a resturant that serves nothing but milk to be filled with kids?”
“I guess that kind of makes sense.”
“I suddenly want milk!” Link stated. He took out that bottle that he got from earlier and drank all the milk.
“Uh, wasn’t that sitting in your pocket for almost 24 hours?” Saria asked.
“Milk would never got bad in that short of a time in this game.”
“Holy crap, I’ve only had three lines throughout this whole chapter!” Tatl exclaimed. “I’m becoming less important as the story goes on!”
“Then talk more like you’re actually a part of the story!” Navi told her.
“How about I get the strategy guide? You already spoke enough without it.”
“No!”
“Hey, how about you guys shut up and we leave already?” Saria asked. “I want to check out this bar that we just got access too.”
“It doesn’t open until 10:00,” Cremia said.
“Um…*Shouldn’t you be gone by now?”
“Oh. Right.” Cremia climbed onto her carriage and drove off.
“I bet she was delivering that milk to the milk bar,” Link stated.
“NO DUH!” Saria yelled.
“Let’s go there!”
“It’s not open until ten,” Tatl said.
“Well it’s seven right now. So we just have three Termina hours before it opens.”
“Well what are we going to do for three hours?”
“Let’s just go to Clock Town and wander around for three hours!”
“Well, there’s nothing else to do, after all. But I hope that we actually do something while we’re waiting,” Navi spoke.
In Clock Town…
“I can’t believe we’re waiting three hours just so that we can enter the stupid milk bar,” Tatl said.
“Hey, we’re not waiting! We’re going around doing stuff,” Link told her. He dragged them over to East Clock Town. “See those platforms over there? It looked like there would be something on that building roof, right?” Link ran off for a few minutes and came back with a silver rupee. “I found this on the roof.”
“Hey, what if that belongs to somebody?” Navi asked.
“Who would leave a silver rupee hidden behind a sign on a roof that is difficult to access because you have to jump over a bunch of platform and even jump off tiny platform that you can hardly balance on inside a treasure chest? Of course we’re supposed to get it!”
“Hey, I have an idea!” Saria exclaimed. “How about every time we go back in time, we get that rupee and put it in the bank so we’ll have even more money?”
“I’m going to put this in the bank!” Link ran off again and was back in another few minutes.
“So… What do we do now?”
-
-
Three hours later…
“Are you serious? Did you just skip three hours forward?” Saria asked.
“Hey, the milk bar is open!” Link exclaimed. He ran over to the door and grabbed the handle. The door was locked. “Hey! It’s supposed to be open.”
“Before we can unlock the door, you must show proof of membership,” somebody behind the door said.
“I have the mask.” Link held it up.
“You have to wear it.”
“Are you kidding? Why would an adult wear a stupid mask like that?” Tatl asked.
“It is the rules.”
Some complaining later, they walked into the milk bar. Saria took off the mask immediantly.
“If I’m already in here, I don’t need to wear it anymore,” she said.
“Wait a second, it sounded like the voice was behind the door, but there’s nobody here,” Navi stated.
Saria walked over to the desk. “I’ll take a glass.”
“Ma’am, it’s the rules,” the Talon look-a-like told her. “You have to wear the mask inside the bar.”
“Then how come he isn’t?” Saria pointed to the man that looked like Ingo when he owned the Lon Lon Ranch and was brainwashed by Ganondorf.
“G-give me another glass!” the Ingo man ordered. “I have to get my sorrows off my mind!”
“I know! I’ll play the Song of Healing!” Link stated, taking out the Ocarina of Time.
“No, Link. This does not seem like one of those situations,” Navi told him. “And the strategy guide does not say to do that.”
“Then what does it say to do?”
“It says you’re supposed to talk to that short, fat Zora over there and you’ll make some music and that will make that guy happy. Then he’ll give you a mask. However, you can’t do it until after you go to the Great Bay because you need the transformation mask you get there.”
“Hey, you,” Saria started, looking at the Talon man.
“My name is Mr. Barten,” he told her.
“I think you should change your idea of membership and start making it a membership card rather than a ridiculous looking mask. The banker changed his because nobody like his idea of stamping people with invisible ink that no one could see but him.”
“Yes, but it isn’t possible to copy a mask. It is possible to copy a membership card and put your name on it. I like my idea more.” Yeah, their membership cards weren't very good back then.
“But nobody else does! And nobody even follows it! You still haven’t answered my question about Ingo not wearing the mask.”
“My name is Gorman, not Ingo,” the Ingo man stated.
“And wait, this place just opened when we came in, so how was he already here?”
“Those are all things the game creators never bothered to explain,” Mr. Barten said.
“Just give me the milk already! I have the freaking mask, and you know that. I will not wear it. I suggest you change your rules! If he can drink milk without the mask, so can I! Now give it to me already!”
“Fine, fine! Do you want regular milk or Chateau Romani?”
“What’s Chateau Romani?”
“It’s Romani Ranch’s special milk from their special cows that only they have. It isn’t milk that was just processed to taste better. Chateau Romani is 200 rupees.”
“200 rupees for a glass of milk?!”
“Hey, Saria, we’re going back in time after this anyway, so you can enjoy it and then get your money back,” Navi whispered to her.
“I’ll take one!” Saria put her money on the shelf and drank all the milk Mr. Barten gave her. “Wow, best milk I’ve ever tasted!”
“Hic!” Gorman hiccuped.
“Shut up.”
“I want some!” Link stated. He put his money on the table too and drank the milk Mr. Barten gave him. He said nothing, but he made a face of pure happiness.
“The strategy guide says that when you drink Chateau Romani, you get infinite magic until you play the Song of Time,” Navi explained. “That’s probably why it’s so expensive.”
“It also tastes really good.”
“So, we’re off to the Great Bay now, are we?”
“Yes we are.” Link played the Song of Time.
---
Oh Din, what if Chateau Romani is alcohol-related?
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
Okay, NOW I'm caught up to 13! *was reading it for 2 hours pretty much cause I was on chapter 6 and than reads more* FINALLY ALL THE WAY CAUGHT UP!
Last edited:
onebizarrekai
gay energy
XDDD
I'll just post one chapter this time so you can recover faster from the constant insane reading XD
This is one of my favorite chapters in Majora's Mask. Have fun reading it!
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 14: That was a Close One!
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link randomly fell asleep, Navi used the strategy guide a lot, Saria was a beastly arrowmaster, Tatl realized she wasn’t talking very much and they finally set off for the Great Bay.
Now for Chapter Fourteen.
DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY
72 HOURS REMAIN
“Hey,” Saria started. “I realized I hardly played my ocarina through the entire story.”
“Well, you haven’t needed to,” Navi said. “Mostly, the only songs we’ve needed to play are the Song of Time and the Song of Double Time, which only work on the Ocarina of Time. There’s supposed to be another song that slows down time, called the Inverted Song of Time, but we’ve never needed it because time passes way faster in the game than it does here.”
“Come to think of it, I remember that talking scarecrow from Chapter 4 telling me about that.”
“Yeah, it’s use in the game is to slow the flow of time, making everybody but you move slower, but not talk slower or anything like that. Since time passes slower than time slowed down in the game when time passes normally in this story, time slowed down in this story would probably be normal time in Hyrule in these stories.”
“I didn’t understand most of what you said,” Link pointed out.
“My point is that if we slowed down time in this story, time would pass like it does in Hyrule in this story.”
“Why do you keep saying in this story?”
“Because time passes faster in the game than it does in this story!”
“Time is so complicated…” Indeed it is, Link. Indeed it is.
“Are you saying we should slow down time so it makes more sense?” Saria asked.
“Kind of,” Navi answered.
“I have to say that would be a little weird for me,” Tatl spoke. “When Skull Kid, Tael and I were in the Lost Woods, we made one of those garden clocks that work by the sun, don’t ask how, and realized that time passed slower than it does in Termina, and not too long after that we realized we weren’t in Termina anymore.”
“Why don’t we just leave time the way it is?” Link suggested. “My head hurts from all this time talk.”
“Yeah, let’s just go to the Great Bay,” Saria said. “Where’s the exit where you go straight forward to get there?”
“West Gate,” Tatl told her.
“The place with the psycho banker?”
“Uh, sure.”
-
-
“There’s the exit,” Tatl said when they entered West Clock Town. They walked over to the guard.
“Stop right there! Have you some errand at the ocean? It’s dangerous outside town, so I cannot allow children like you to… A sword? My apologies. It was wrong of me to treat you like children. At Great Bay, you can see clear to the ocean. It lies this way. Be careful,” the guard told them.
“Of course,” Saria mumbled.
-
-
“Whoa,” Tatl spoke, stopping. “Look at that fence.”
“I see the fence,” Link stated.
“I mean, seriously. That fence is blocking the way AND has blood stains on it. I think that people tried to get over there and that’s why.”
“Now I see why we had to do that side quest! So we could jump over the fence with our horses! How come you didn’t tell us, Navi?”
“I didn’t see a need to,” Navi replied. “After all, we were doing the quest already.”
“But wait, if we went back in time, don’t you think that our horses would still be trapped behind the fence?” Tatl asked.
Link played Epona’s song. The two horses came running up to them.
“How in the world…?”
“The strategy guide says that they put the fence down after you complete the side quest, and the two horses get through the boulder somehow. They don’t run off until you play the song either…*None of this really makes sense, because the sisters don’t know us yet either. Just forget it…” Navi said.
“Maybe it would help if we just forget all this and say it just happened,” Saria said.
“Good idea.”
“Stop pushing me, Chase!” Epona ordered to Chase in horse language.
“But I love you!” Chase neighed.
“Come on!” Link said. He mounted Epona. “Jump over that spiky fence, Epona!”
“Are you kidding? Heck no!” Epona yelled, but Link couldn’t understand her, of course. “That thing has blood stains on it!” However, since she was walking in the opposite direction of the fence, Link could tell she didn’t want to.
“Maybe if you think happy thoughts you’ll fly over the fence.”
“Are you stupid?”
“Just jump over the fence, Epona,” Navi told her. “The strategy guide says that you won’t get any injuries doing it.”
“If you say so.”
“I know so.”
“You can talk to animals?” Link asked.
“I’m a fairy. Of course I can talk to animals.”
“I can’t talk to animals!” Tatl said.
“It’s a long an complicated story that has to do with where the fairy grew up. I really don’t want to start talking about it or else things will get complicated again.”
“Here goes nothing,” Epona muttered in horse language. She leaped over the fence and didn’t get a single scratch. Link, though, fell off when Epona hit the ground.
“…*Ow,” Link muttered.
After Saria and Chase jumped over, they set off into the Great Bay.
“Wow, a beach!” Link exclaimed. “Let’s throw a party!”
“Let’s not,” Navi said. “We’re here to save Termina, not throw beach parties. And even so, nobody’s outside, the water is murky and for Nayru’s sake, there are MONSTERS trying to kill you!”
“Wow, I’m invincible!” Epona neighed. “They aren’t hurting me!”
“That’s what the guide says. Now stop speaking because you’re a horse.”
“But I’m still talking in horse language.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Fine.”
“Look!” Tatl exclaimed. “There’s a person floating in the water! Push him to shore!”
“What if he’s dead? That would be a waste of strength,” Link said.
“LINK!”
“Okay, okay!” Link pulled the Zora to shore. “But he probably drowned.”
“He’s a Zora, he can’t drown.”
“Help me…” the Zora pleaded.
“We already pulled you to shore,” Saria told him.
“Oh. Well I still need you to help me…”
“With what?”
“I am Mikau of the Indigo-Gos. I must tell you in a song.”
“What?”
Mikau suddenly jumped up and started playing a bone guitar. “BABY YOU’RE EGGS WERE STOLEN BY PIRATES BABY I TRIED TO SAVE THEM BUT I WAS THROWN IN THE WATER BY THEM BABY BABY BABY OW OH BABY EVIL PIRATES BABY OH.” He fell to the ground again.
“…*Holy crap.”
“I am in so much pain…*Physically and mentally…”
“SONG OF HEALING!” Link stated. He played the Song of Healing on his ocarina and Mikau faded away, leaving the mask.
“… Did you just do that to the famous guitarest of a rock band?” Tatl asked.
“Yep!”
“Everybody is going to hate you! You just got rid of the most famous guitarist in Termina! How could you do that?”
“Oh please. When I wear this mask, everybody is going to think I’m him. That’s what happened with all the Gorons!”
“All the Gorons? It was only that idiot Goron Elder!” Saria said.
“Maybe this time it will be better.”
Link got the Zora Mask!
He put it on. When he transformed, he looked about thirty percent like Mikau. “How could anybody mistake you for Mikau?” Saria asked. “You hardly look like him at all! And people are going to think you’re wearing a skirt!”
“It’s supposed to work out…” Navi spoke.
“And tell me why we did that side quest for those weird masks that was between scene one and this scene?”
“NEVER DOUBT THE STRATEGY GUIDE!!”
“Okay, okay. Where does it say to go next?”
“Hey, wait,” Tatl spoke. “It would be horrible to kill-- I mean, use the Song of Healing on the famous guitarist without making a grave, even if he disintigrated.”
“But we’re going to play the Song of Time once we’re done with this.”
“What if somebody comes before then?” Link asked, on Tatl’s side.
“Fine, we’ll put a grave there.”
Some grave related things later… “Man, it sure was lucky that we found that giant fish skeleton to really set it off!” Link stated.
“What difference does it make?” Saria asked. “It’s not like it matters if we put a fish skeleton there. Besides, if everybody is going to think you’re Mikau, then why did we make a grave for him?!”
“…*I didn’t really think that through…” Tatl, however, didn’t say anything because she realized it was a waste of time halfway through.
“No where in the strategy guide says that somebody will notice,” Navi said. “We’re good.”
“What the heck, Navi! This is a parody! The authoress can do whatever she wants!” Saria yelled.
“Whatever! We’re going to a pirate’s hideout next, that’s what the strategy guide says. The entrance is underwater.”
“That leaves one problem. I CAN’T BREATHE UNDERWATER!! Nor can I swim very fast!”
“Maybe the Zora’s sell some kind of item that doesn’t exist in the game that allows you to breathe underwater.”
“I still can’t swim very fast. The Kokiri Forest doesn’t have any kind of large swimming area. It hardly has a swimming area at all!”
“Hey, it’s not like there can’t be any way for you to go on.”
“Well, where do the Zoras live around here?”
“Well, it’s not exactly live. They all live here, but they don’t actually live anywhere here in specific. They all just hang around the Indigo-Go’s theater.”
During this whole conversation, Link had discovered that his ocarina turned into a fish bone guitar and was attempting to play it. However, since he had never had any experience with it at all, and never even thought about it before, he pretty much failed and the music sounded horrible.
Later at the Indigo-Go’s theater…
“I still think nobody’s going to believe you’re Mikau,” Saria said.
“Mikau! Nice to see you!” one of the Zora’s greeted. “I’m loving the new look!”
“…”
“I wonder where my room is,” Link stated, looking at all the doors with Zoras in front of them.
“Link, we’re here to go to the store and see if they sell the things I want.”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s all about you.”
“Fine then, you can wander off and do all you want. But I’m taking Navi with me this time. Tatl, you stay with him.”
“Hey! You can’t leave me with him!” Tatl yelled. “Navi is his guardian fairy!”
“Hey, be glad Navi is even here at all. In the games she leaves at the end of Ocarina of Time and you never see her again after that. So normally, you’d always be stuck with him, with nobody else at all.”
“Fine.” After all, she would probably get to meet all the famous Indigo-Gos.
-
-
“Hey you,” Saria called to the Zora behind the desk in the store. “Do you have anything that lets you breathe underwater?”
“As a matter of fact we do!” the Zora replied. “We have a whole lot of them because most of the people around here can already breathe underwater. They’re only 30 rupees because of that.”
“Here.” Saria handed him the money.
Saria got a Water Necklace!
“How in the world does a necklace help you breathe underwater anyway?”
“Magic,” Navi spoke.
Saria sighed. “Of course. Hey, how about swimming faster too?”
“Underwater rocket shoe part!” the Zora said, holding some contraption up. “Again, most Zoras can practically glide through the water, so it’s 50 rupees.”
“I thought things cost a certain amout depending on how hard it was to make it or something, or how important it is,” Navi stated. “How come--” Saria grabbed her before she made the price go up.
“Money,” Saria spoke. She put a purple rupee on the desk.
Saria got an Underwater Rocket Shoe Part! It happens to fit her perfectly!
“So how does it work?”
“Automatically,” the Zora answered. “It lets you swim as fast as a Zora, and all you have to do is dive and press the A button!”
“Why do people always say that? It makes no sense.”
“Maybe in the story it means it’s automatic depending on the situation,” Navi told her. “Mind controlled.”
“Sure…”
-
-
Meanwhile, with Link and Tatl…
“Sup Mikau! You wanna go into your room? Sure thing!” the Zora in front of Mikau’s room said, stepping out of the way.
“Sweet,” Link spoke. He entered the room to see a fat Zora that hardly looked like a Zora at all playing fish drums.
“Why do those drums look alive?” Tatl asked him.
“Uh, it’s just painted that way to look cool,” he answered. “Whew! That was a close one.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“I’m pretty sure I heard you say something.”
“Uh, hi Mikau! What’s hanging?”
Link looked at the ceiling, “It looks a big bone ceiling decoration.”
“Hahaha, you never change, Mikau!”
“…*So your name is Tojo or something, right?” Tatl asked.
“IT’S ALWAYS THAT WAY!! NOBODY EVER REMEMBERS THE NAME OF THE DRUMMER!! IT’S LIKE I DON’T EXIST!! YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE SINGER AND THE GUITAREST, AND EVEN THE BASSEST, BUT YOU NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER, REMEMBER THE DRUMMER!!!”
“Uh, you could just answer my question.”
“NO! I CAN’T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, BECAUSE I’M JUST THE LAME, BORING DRUMMER!!”
Tatl sighed. “Your my brother’s favorite band member.”
The drummer immediantly lifted up his head. “Really?”
“Yes. Because of you, he always wanted to play the drums.”
“Wow! I suddenly feel a lot better! The name is Tijo, by the way. Not Tojo. You were close though.”
“Uh, the Zora outside said this was my room. He didn’t say anything about me having a roommate,” Link said.
“If you had a brother or something and shared a room, do you expect somebody to call it ‘your room’ or ‘your’s and your brother’s room’?”
“I don’t know, I don’t have a brother.”
“Link!” Tatl whispered into Link’s ear. “You’re supposed to be Mikau, not yourself.”
“Oh, right. How about we change the subject while I ask you why my room is up there?”
“Don’t you remember? I guess I’ll tell you again.”
Flashback!
“Well, it looks like we don’t have enough room for everybody to get their own room,” the worker Zora said. “Since Japas snores very loudly, and nobody wants to share a room with him, Lulu is a girl so she gets her own room, and the manager is self-centered, it looks like you and Mikau are going to need to share a room. Too bad he’s not here to decide anything.”
“Yeah,” Tijo replied. “He had to go out on a date with Lulu today. Well, let’s go in and decide how we’re going to split it.”
The Zora and Tijo entered what would eventually be their room. Tijo looked around.
“I know how we’ll split it! I’ll get the bottom, he’ll get the top. It’s brilliant! Now, put water pools in those two spots in the corners so I have an excuse for splitting it like that.”
“All right then.”
End of Flashback!
“And that’s how it happened!” Tijo said. “Oh no, I said parts that I wasn’t supposed too! I wasn’t supposed to tell you about the excuse!”
“What? I only heard the part about splitting the room. What excuse?” Link asked.
“Oh, good. That was a close one!”
“So how do I get up there…?”
“Oh… While you were gone for a really long time trying to get Lulu’s eggs back, I accidently broke the ladder trying to get up there and invade your journal.”
“WHAT?” Link was actually acting like he was Mikau that time.
“I’m just kidding! I was just trying to get up there and tidy up your desk for you.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
“That was a close one!”
“WHY THE HECK DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?!” Tatl yelled. “I can hear you!”
“I’m just saying that to be funny! None of that actually happened!”
“Oh, good.” However, Tatl was being sarcastic.
“Whew, that was a close one!”
“SEE?”
“GARGLE!” Tijo jumped into one of the pools.
“…*Maybe we should just leave,” Link said. “This guy seems pretty weird.”
“Yeah…” Tatl spoke slowly while they exited the room.
I'll just post one chapter this time so you can recover faster from the constant insane reading XD
This is one of my favorite chapters in Majora's Mask. Have fun reading it!
---
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 14: That was a Close One!
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link randomly fell asleep, Navi used the strategy guide a lot, Saria was a beastly arrowmaster, Tatl realized she wasn’t talking very much and they finally set off for the Great Bay.
Now for Chapter Fourteen.
DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY
72 HOURS REMAIN
“Hey,” Saria started. “I realized I hardly played my ocarina through the entire story.”
“Well, you haven’t needed to,” Navi said. “Mostly, the only songs we’ve needed to play are the Song of Time and the Song of Double Time, which only work on the Ocarina of Time. There’s supposed to be another song that slows down time, called the Inverted Song of Time, but we’ve never needed it because time passes way faster in the game than it does here.”
“Come to think of it, I remember that talking scarecrow from Chapter 4 telling me about that.”
“Yeah, it’s use in the game is to slow the flow of time, making everybody but you move slower, but not talk slower or anything like that. Since time passes slower than time slowed down in the game when time passes normally in this story, time slowed down in this story would probably be normal time in Hyrule in these stories.”
“I didn’t understand most of what you said,” Link pointed out.
“My point is that if we slowed down time in this story, time would pass like it does in Hyrule in this story.”
“Why do you keep saying in this story?”
“Because time passes faster in the game than it does in this story!”
“Time is so complicated…” Indeed it is, Link. Indeed it is.
“Are you saying we should slow down time so it makes more sense?” Saria asked.
“Kind of,” Navi answered.
“I have to say that would be a little weird for me,” Tatl spoke. “When Skull Kid, Tael and I were in the Lost Woods, we made one of those garden clocks that work by the sun, don’t ask how, and realized that time passed slower than it does in Termina, and not too long after that we realized we weren’t in Termina anymore.”
“Why don’t we just leave time the way it is?” Link suggested. “My head hurts from all this time talk.”
“Yeah, let’s just go to the Great Bay,” Saria said. “Where’s the exit where you go straight forward to get there?”
“West Gate,” Tatl told her.
“The place with the psycho banker?”
“Uh, sure.”
-
-
“There’s the exit,” Tatl said when they entered West Clock Town. They walked over to the guard.
“Stop right there! Have you some errand at the ocean? It’s dangerous outside town, so I cannot allow children like you to… A sword? My apologies. It was wrong of me to treat you like children. At Great Bay, you can see clear to the ocean. It lies this way. Be careful,” the guard told them.
“Of course,” Saria mumbled.
-
-
“Whoa,” Tatl spoke, stopping. “Look at that fence.”
“I see the fence,” Link stated.
“I mean, seriously. That fence is blocking the way AND has blood stains on it. I think that people tried to get over there and that’s why.”
“Now I see why we had to do that side quest! So we could jump over the fence with our horses! How come you didn’t tell us, Navi?”
“I didn’t see a need to,” Navi replied. “After all, we were doing the quest already.”
“But wait, if we went back in time, don’t you think that our horses would still be trapped behind the fence?” Tatl asked.
Link played Epona’s song. The two horses came running up to them.
“How in the world…?”
“The strategy guide says that they put the fence down after you complete the side quest, and the two horses get through the boulder somehow. They don’t run off until you play the song either…*None of this really makes sense, because the sisters don’t know us yet either. Just forget it…” Navi said.
“Maybe it would help if we just forget all this and say it just happened,” Saria said.
“Good idea.”
“Stop pushing me, Chase!” Epona ordered to Chase in horse language.
“But I love you!” Chase neighed.
“Come on!” Link said. He mounted Epona. “Jump over that spiky fence, Epona!”
“Are you kidding? Heck no!” Epona yelled, but Link couldn’t understand her, of course. “That thing has blood stains on it!” However, since she was walking in the opposite direction of the fence, Link could tell she didn’t want to.
“Maybe if you think happy thoughts you’ll fly over the fence.”
“Are you stupid?”
“Just jump over the fence, Epona,” Navi told her. “The strategy guide says that you won’t get any injuries doing it.”
“If you say so.”
“I know so.”
“You can talk to animals?” Link asked.
“I’m a fairy. Of course I can talk to animals.”
“I can’t talk to animals!” Tatl said.
“It’s a long an complicated story that has to do with where the fairy grew up. I really don’t want to start talking about it or else things will get complicated again.”
“Here goes nothing,” Epona muttered in horse language. She leaped over the fence and didn’t get a single scratch. Link, though, fell off when Epona hit the ground.
“…*Ow,” Link muttered.
After Saria and Chase jumped over, they set off into the Great Bay.
“Wow, a beach!” Link exclaimed. “Let’s throw a party!”
“Let’s not,” Navi said. “We’re here to save Termina, not throw beach parties. And even so, nobody’s outside, the water is murky and for Nayru’s sake, there are MONSTERS trying to kill you!”
“Wow, I’m invincible!” Epona neighed. “They aren’t hurting me!”
“That’s what the guide says. Now stop speaking because you’re a horse.”
“But I’m still talking in horse language.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Fine.”
“Look!” Tatl exclaimed. “There’s a person floating in the water! Push him to shore!”
“What if he’s dead? That would be a waste of strength,” Link said.
“LINK!”
“Okay, okay!” Link pulled the Zora to shore. “But he probably drowned.”
“He’s a Zora, he can’t drown.”
“Help me…” the Zora pleaded.
“We already pulled you to shore,” Saria told him.
“Oh. Well I still need you to help me…”
“With what?”
“I am Mikau of the Indigo-Gos. I must tell you in a song.”
“What?”
Mikau suddenly jumped up and started playing a bone guitar. “BABY YOU’RE EGGS WERE STOLEN BY PIRATES BABY I TRIED TO SAVE THEM BUT I WAS THROWN IN THE WATER BY THEM BABY BABY BABY OW OH BABY EVIL PIRATES BABY OH.” He fell to the ground again.
“…*Holy crap.”
“I am in so much pain…*Physically and mentally…”
“SONG OF HEALING!” Link stated. He played the Song of Healing on his ocarina and Mikau faded away, leaving the mask.
“… Did you just do that to the famous guitarest of a rock band?” Tatl asked.
“Yep!”
“Everybody is going to hate you! You just got rid of the most famous guitarist in Termina! How could you do that?”
“Oh please. When I wear this mask, everybody is going to think I’m him. That’s what happened with all the Gorons!”
“All the Gorons? It was only that idiot Goron Elder!” Saria said.
“Maybe this time it will be better.”
Link got the Zora Mask!
He put it on. When he transformed, he looked about thirty percent like Mikau. “How could anybody mistake you for Mikau?” Saria asked. “You hardly look like him at all! And people are going to think you’re wearing a skirt!”
“It’s supposed to work out…” Navi spoke.
“And tell me why we did that side quest for those weird masks that was between scene one and this scene?”
“NEVER DOUBT THE STRATEGY GUIDE!!”
“Okay, okay. Where does it say to go next?”
“Hey, wait,” Tatl spoke. “It would be horrible to kill-- I mean, use the Song of Healing on the famous guitarist without making a grave, even if he disintigrated.”
“But we’re going to play the Song of Time once we’re done with this.”
“What if somebody comes before then?” Link asked, on Tatl’s side.
“Fine, we’ll put a grave there.”
Some grave related things later… “Man, it sure was lucky that we found that giant fish skeleton to really set it off!” Link stated.
“What difference does it make?” Saria asked. “It’s not like it matters if we put a fish skeleton there. Besides, if everybody is going to think you’re Mikau, then why did we make a grave for him?!”
“…*I didn’t really think that through…” Tatl, however, didn’t say anything because she realized it was a waste of time halfway through.
“No where in the strategy guide says that somebody will notice,” Navi said. “We’re good.”
“What the heck, Navi! This is a parody! The authoress can do whatever she wants!” Saria yelled.
“Whatever! We’re going to a pirate’s hideout next, that’s what the strategy guide says. The entrance is underwater.”
“That leaves one problem. I CAN’T BREATHE UNDERWATER!! Nor can I swim very fast!”
“Maybe the Zora’s sell some kind of item that doesn’t exist in the game that allows you to breathe underwater.”
“I still can’t swim very fast. The Kokiri Forest doesn’t have any kind of large swimming area. It hardly has a swimming area at all!”
“Hey, it’s not like there can’t be any way for you to go on.”
“Well, where do the Zoras live around here?”
“Well, it’s not exactly live. They all live here, but they don’t actually live anywhere here in specific. They all just hang around the Indigo-Go’s theater.”
During this whole conversation, Link had discovered that his ocarina turned into a fish bone guitar and was attempting to play it. However, since he had never had any experience with it at all, and never even thought about it before, he pretty much failed and the music sounded horrible.
Later at the Indigo-Go’s theater…
“I still think nobody’s going to believe you’re Mikau,” Saria said.
“Mikau! Nice to see you!” one of the Zora’s greeted. “I’m loving the new look!”
“…”
“I wonder where my room is,” Link stated, looking at all the doors with Zoras in front of them.
“Link, we’re here to go to the store and see if they sell the things I want.”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s all about you.”
“Fine then, you can wander off and do all you want. But I’m taking Navi with me this time. Tatl, you stay with him.”
“Hey! You can’t leave me with him!” Tatl yelled. “Navi is his guardian fairy!”
“Hey, be glad Navi is even here at all. In the games she leaves at the end of Ocarina of Time and you never see her again after that. So normally, you’d always be stuck with him, with nobody else at all.”
“Fine.” After all, she would probably get to meet all the famous Indigo-Gos.
-
-
“Hey you,” Saria called to the Zora behind the desk in the store. “Do you have anything that lets you breathe underwater?”
“As a matter of fact we do!” the Zora replied. “We have a whole lot of them because most of the people around here can already breathe underwater. They’re only 30 rupees because of that.”
“Here.” Saria handed him the money.
Saria got a Water Necklace!
“How in the world does a necklace help you breathe underwater anyway?”
“Magic,” Navi spoke.
Saria sighed. “Of course. Hey, how about swimming faster too?”
“Underwater rocket shoe part!” the Zora said, holding some contraption up. “Again, most Zoras can practically glide through the water, so it’s 50 rupees.”
“I thought things cost a certain amout depending on how hard it was to make it or something, or how important it is,” Navi stated. “How come--” Saria grabbed her before she made the price go up.
“Money,” Saria spoke. She put a purple rupee on the desk.
Saria got an Underwater Rocket Shoe Part! It happens to fit her perfectly!
“So how does it work?”
“Automatically,” the Zora answered. “It lets you swim as fast as a Zora, and all you have to do is dive and press the A button!”
“Why do people always say that? It makes no sense.”
“Maybe in the story it means it’s automatic depending on the situation,” Navi told her. “Mind controlled.”
“Sure…”
-
-
Meanwhile, with Link and Tatl…
“Sup Mikau! You wanna go into your room? Sure thing!” the Zora in front of Mikau’s room said, stepping out of the way.
“Sweet,” Link spoke. He entered the room to see a fat Zora that hardly looked like a Zora at all playing fish drums.
“Why do those drums look alive?” Tatl asked him.
“Uh, it’s just painted that way to look cool,” he answered. “Whew! That was a close one.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“I’m pretty sure I heard you say something.”
“Uh, hi Mikau! What’s hanging?”
Link looked at the ceiling, “It looks a big bone ceiling decoration.”
“Hahaha, you never change, Mikau!”
“…*So your name is Tojo or something, right?” Tatl asked.
“IT’S ALWAYS THAT WAY!! NOBODY EVER REMEMBERS THE NAME OF THE DRUMMER!! IT’S LIKE I DON’T EXIST!! YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE SINGER AND THE GUITAREST, AND EVEN THE BASSEST, BUT YOU NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER, REMEMBER THE DRUMMER!!!”
“Uh, you could just answer my question.”
“NO! I CAN’T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, BECAUSE I’M JUST THE LAME, BORING DRUMMER!!”
Tatl sighed. “Your my brother’s favorite band member.”
The drummer immediantly lifted up his head. “Really?”
“Yes. Because of you, he always wanted to play the drums.”
“Wow! I suddenly feel a lot better! The name is Tijo, by the way. Not Tojo. You were close though.”
“Uh, the Zora outside said this was my room. He didn’t say anything about me having a roommate,” Link said.
“If you had a brother or something and shared a room, do you expect somebody to call it ‘your room’ or ‘your’s and your brother’s room’?”
“I don’t know, I don’t have a brother.”
“Link!” Tatl whispered into Link’s ear. “You’re supposed to be Mikau, not yourself.”
“Oh, right. How about we change the subject while I ask you why my room is up there?”
“Don’t you remember? I guess I’ll tell you again.”
Flashback!
“Well, it looks like we don’t have enough room for everybody to get their own room,” the worker Zora said. “Since Japas snores very loudly, and nobody wants to share a room with him, Lulu is a girl so she gets her own room, and the manager is self-centered, it looks like you and Mikau are going to need to share a room. Too bad he’s not here to decide anything.”
“Yeah,” Tijo replied. “He had to go out on a date with Lulu today. Well, let’s go in and decide how we’re going to split it.”
The Zora and Tijo entered what would eventually be their room. Tijo looked around.
“I know how we’ll split it! I’ll get the bottom, he’ll get the top. It’s brilliant! Now, put water pools in those two spots in the corners so I have an excuse for splitting it like that.”
“All right then.”
End of Flashback!
“And that’s how it happened!” Tijo said. “Oh no, I said parts that I wasn’t supposed too! I wasn’t supposed to tell you about the excuse!”
“What? I only heard the part about splitting the room. What excuse?” Link asked.
“Oh, good. That was a close one!”
“So how do I get up there…?”
“Oh… While you were gone for a really long time trying to get Lulu’s eggs back, I accidently broke the ladder trying to get up there and invade your journal.”
“WHAT?” Link was actually acting like he was Mikau that time.
“I’m just kidding! I was just trying to get up there and tidy up your desk for you.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
“That was a close one!”
“WHY THE HECK DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?!” Tatl yelled. “I can hear you!”
“I’m just saying that to be funny! None of that actually happened!”
“Oh, good.” However, Tatl was being sarcastic.
“Whew, that was a close one!”
“SEE?”
“GARGLE!” Tijo jumped into one of the pools.
“…*Maybe we should just leave,” Link said. “This guy seems pretty weird.”
“Yeah…” Tatl spoke slowly while they exited the room.
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
AWSOME CHAPTER I LIKED THE *clamps mouth shut* phew, that was a close one (( 
))
))
onebizarrekai
gay energy
The Legend of Crap: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 15: Zora Egg Hunt
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was pretty stupid, Navi was discovered to be able to talk to animals, Saria got items that let her deal with the water situation, Tatl went with Link on his exploring and Tijo, the Indigo-Go’s drummer, was proven to be crazy and a liar.
Now for Chapter Fifteen.
“I’m sorry, but it’s a rule that only band members can enter the rooms,” the Zora standing in front of Japas’s room told Saria.
“But Link is in there!” Saria yelled. “And we have to hurry up and go somewhere.”
“Do you have any idea how many crazed fans make up excuses to be able to get into the rooms? I’m not falling for it.”
“I’m serious!”
“We can’t trust people anymore after that crazed fan dressed up as a band member and opened the window.”
“Then why did you let who you call ‘Mikau’ in there? How do you know if he wasn’t somebody in disguise?”
“He was totally Mikau. I could tell by the way he looked that he wasn’t in a disguise!”
Saria sighed. “Do you have any idea how good people are at disguising themselves these days? And besides, he hardly looked like Mikau!”
“Okay, new plan,” Navi said. “Rather than trying to convince you to let us in, how about we just knock on the door and ask Link to come out?”
“But nobody named Link is in there!” the Zora insisted.
Link suddenly opened the door, not as in Zora form. “Oh, hi Saria!”
“How did you get in there?!”
“Oh, I wanted to see the reaction of the bassest when he saw me in normal form.”
“Normal form?! You’re really confusing me!”
“Okay, how about Link just shuts up and we walk away now?” Saria asked. “He keeps forgetting that nobody would understand our lives right now.”
The Zora nodded slowly.
-
-
Outside…
“So now we get to break into a pirate fortress? Awesome!” Saria exclaimed.
“Hey, who’s the Ruto look-a-like?” Link asked, eyeing a nearby Zora. He looked at her for a moment. “I am so glad she’s wearing a dress this time!”
“That’s Lulu, the Indigo-Go’s vocalist,” Tatl told him.
Link walked over to her. “You’re looking a little sad, what’s wrong?”
She didn’t reply.
“Excuse me.”
The Ruto look-a-like looked at him and pointed to her throat.
“Oh, she doesn’t have a voice,” Tatl spoke.
“Apparently it’s caused by the curse of the Great Bay Temple,” Navi explained. “And all of her eggs are missing too.”
“She’s a mother?” Link asked.
“The pirates stole her eggs because they thought it had to do with some treasure in the Great Bay Temple.”
“That’s awful!” Tatl exclaimed. “And what the heck would a singer’s children have to do with treasure? And does the strategy guide actually say all of that? I thought they just told you what to do.”
“Well, I don’t actually have an existing strategy guide, so the authoress makes it say whatever she wants it to.”
“Sure…”
“Don’t worry, Ruto-- I mean, Lulu! We’ll get your eggs back!” Link told Lulu. “But where’s the fortress?”
“Hey, I just realized there’s an owl statue right there,” Saria stated. She hit it with her sword and it opened up.
“The fortress is east from here,” Navi said.
-
-
“Where’s the entrance?!” Link complained. “It’s all a big wall of rock!”
“Down here!” Saria called from under the water. “I found a secret entrance behind these boards.”
“Wow, nobody ever thinks to look under the water,” Tatl said sarcastically.
“I know, right?” Link asked.
“I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! Underwater passageways are overused! It’s always underwater passageways!”
“It is?”
“Yes, Link. It is.”
“Okay then.”
Tatl sighed.
-
-
“Hey, I wonder where this big ocean leads,” Link stated after they swam through the passageway and into the fortress.
“Navi,” Tatl started.
“Yeah?” Navi asked.
“How come near the beginning of this story, when you were talking about all those transformations, how come you didn’t know what we got in the final place?”
“Isn’t it obvious what you would get in each place? That time, I didn’t look at the guide.”
“Oh. All right then.”
“And Link, I don’t think the ocean leads anywhere, because even after completing this area, the water stays murky and you automatically appear back at shore if you keep swimming.”
“Okay,” Link answered.
“So, anyway, those two masks we got from the two invisible soldiers at Ikana Canyon are supposed to make you invisible so people can’t see you, making this quest much easier.”
“How in the world could a mask make you invisible?” Saria asked.
“Well, we couldn’t see the guard that had it.”
“He wasn’t wearing it!”
“Shouldn’t we be focusing on saving the Great Bay rather than complaining about a mask?” Tatl questioned.
“All right, fine. But don’t you think it would be so much more exciting if we had to sneak past them instead?”
“Come on Saria, it will be hilarious,” Link said. “If we’re invisible, we could be throwing boxes and they would be totally clueless.”
“Wouldn’t they eventually realize that we were there?”
“If they can’t see us we’re totally safe! In fact, I could jump on that boat right there, walk in front of the guard and take a picture right now.” Link leaped off the platform they were standing on, where the guards couldn’t see them.
“Wait, Link! You’re not wearing the mask!” Navi called.
“INTRUDER!” the guard yelled, and Link appeared behind the group.
“What in the heck?” Saria asked. “You appeared back here and the guard didn’t even do anything!”
“Why didn’t the mask work?! They saw me!” Link complained.
“You weren’t wearing the mask.”
“Oh. Well, since the mask makes you invisible, I now call it the Ninja Mask.”
“That’s great, Link…”
-
-
“Hey! Look in there!” Tatl exclaimed after some sneaking through the fortress. The group looked through the barred window in front of them.
“You!” a Gerudo in red called to a short haired Gerudo. “Where are the rest of my eggs? I only have four in the tank!”
“I don’t know, Miss Aveil.”
“Did you hide my treasure again? How dare you not follow my orders! Last time you did that, you forgot where everything was and we had to look through the whole fortress to find them!”
“Miss Aveil, we didn’t hide your treasure again. I haven’t seen anybody go into your room all day besides yourself.”
“We need those eggs! That little imp wearing a mask told us that if we collect all of the eggs, we’ll gain access to the Great Bay Temple and steal the most valuable treasure in all the sea!”
“The eggs don’t have anything to do with that stupid temple!” Saria muttered. “For Din’s sake, they belong to a band vocalist!”
“But why did she lose her voice then?” Tatl asked.
“That happens to everybody once in a while. There’s a possibility she just had a sore throat and didn’t want to talk.”
“Or, it had to do with the curse of the Great Bay Temple,” Navi said. “There’s a possibility that she actually is a pretty important person of the ocean and reacts to things that happen to the ocean.”
“Whatever. I have to go deal with something.” Saria walked off.
“Saria, where are you--” Tatl started.
“Just leave her,” Navi told her.
“That treasure is a must have,” Aveil’s conversation with the Gerudo went on. “Now, back to those eggs, you have to hurry and find them, or else somebody might find out a band of pirates lost their own treasure and we’ll be the laughing stock!”
“Y-yes, Miss Aveil…” the Gerudo spoke, and started walking away.
“Wait.”
“Huh?”
“Just so you know, I’m telling you that you and the rest need to go find my eggs! Last time I didn’t give you a direct order, you didn’t do it.”
“Yes, Miss Aveil…”
The door suddenly broke down.
“Hey! I just got that fixed!” Aveil yelled.
“Saria…?” Navi started.
“I know what happened to your eggs,” Saria said, grinning. She was wearing their kind of clothes.
“Who are you?” Aveil demanded.
“I’m one of your pirates.”
“Aren’t you a little short?”
“No. But that’s not the point, I know what happened to your eggs. A bunch of, uh…*sea snakes stole them.”
“Sea snakes?! Not them again! Always messing with our treasure!” Aveil didn’t seem to notice how the heck they managed to steal their eggs. “We must go find their nest and destroy them!” She and the other pirate ran out of the room.
“Heh, suckers.” Saria walked over to the treasure chest in the room.
Saria got Two Hookshots!
“You know, we could’ve just shot the beehive,” Tatl said from behind the window.
“Beehive?!” Saria yelled. “There was one there this whole time?!”
“But your way worked though, I guess. Telling them something that they can’t even find because it doesn’t exist.”
“Actually…” Navi started slowly. “The rest of the eggs have been stolen by sea snakes…”
“HOW?!” Saria shouted.
“I think that Mikau might have dropped some and Aveil didn’t notice, and the sea snakes took them.”
“But that was a while ago, it took her that long to notice that some of her eggs were gone and didn’t even guess that some of them fell in the water?”
“Just go with it, Saria.”
“Fine then.” Saria hookshoted to the top of the egg tank where the four eggs were.
“It’s weird, because the eggs are supposed to be scattered all around the fortress.”
“Hey, it saves time. Don’t complain. So how do we carry these eggs? I’m guessing bottles because the eggs need to be kept in water?”
“Yes.”
“But we only have three bottles and there are four eggs!”
Some beavers suddenly walked in.
“What the crap?”
“Oh, we noticed that you managed to drive all the pirates out of the fortress, so we came to reward you!” one of the beavers said.
The whole group stared at them.
“They stole a floaty from us once, so we came to get it! Here, take this bottle!”
Saria got a bottle!
The beavers left.
“…” Saria was silent.
“Well that wasn’t in the strategy guide…” Navi spoke.
“I think that was just laziness,” Tatl stated.
-
-
Later, in the Ocean Labratory… (Saria changed her clothes back.)
“Oh mah garsh! You got some of the eggs!” the professor exclaimed. “Put ‘em in the tank! Quickly now!”
“Okay,” Saria answered. She climbed to the top of a tank with two fish inside it.
“No, no! Wrong tank! Those fish are part of an experiment of mine! The giant tank right behind me!”
“I was just joking.” Saria climbed to the top of the giant tank, and somehow, the big eggs managed to fit through the bars, but Saria’s feet didn’t get stuck.
“So… The rest of the eggs are at the sea snake nest,” Link said. “I wonder if the pirates are there already.”
“Sea snakes?” the professor asked. “They’re nest is supposed to be at Pinnacle Rock. However, you need a special path to get there, and only the seahorses know how to get there. It’s impossible for anybody to sail or swim over there alone.”
“Do you know where we can find a sea horse?”
“They live at Pinnacle Rock, but ever since the murky water showed up, they’ve all hidden away. I think that one of the seahorses was captured by a fisherman, though. He lives in one of the houses near the entrance.”
“Why are you telling us all this stuff?” Tatl asked. “We didn’t even ask.”
“I tend to do that sometimes. Talking before being asked.”
Tatl nodded slowly. “Yeah, let’s leave.”
-
-
“Hey, Mr. Fisherman guy,” Saria said to the guy inside one of the two houses.
“That’s Mr. Fisherguy to you!” the fisherman told her. She nodded slowly.
“Yeah…*Have you seen any sea horses around?”
“Yeah, I have one in this tank right here.”
“HELP ME HELP ME!! I’VE BEEN CAPTURED BY A BALD TATTOOED FREAK WHO WANTS TO SELL ME!!” the seahorse screamed.
“You don’t need to yell!” Navi told the seahorse.
“I need help, really badly, and I can’t help yelling! I am so freaked out right now I can’t stop talking!”
“This here seahorse I plan on sellin’ at the carnival,” Mr. Fisherguy explained. “It’s super rare so I plan on getting lots of bucks outta it.”
“On second thought, how about you give it to us now?” Saria asked.
“Give? Are you crazy? You have no idea what I went through to get this thing. That thing can swim fast!”
“You kidnapped me while I was sleeping!” the seahorse yelled, but of course, the fisherman couldn’t understand it.
“Well, we kind of need it to save the Great Bay,” Link said.
“Well, how about we make a deal?” Mr. Fisherguy asked. “You get me a picture of a Gerudo pirate where I can see her face clearly, and I’ll give you the seahorse.”
“But all the pirates have left to go find the sea snake nest. How?”
“Would you rather pay 3000 rupees?”
“Well, no, but it’s not possible to--”
“Got the picture,” Saria said, holding out the picture.
“How…?”
“All the pirates on the ship got lost at the murky sea and I got a clear picture of the whole ship, and you can see a ton of pirates.”
“When did you take my camera and how did you print it?”
“That’s just one of the things in this game. You show the picture to the person and it automatically goes off your camera, so it must be printed up somehow.”
“Whoa! This picture is totally hot!” the fisherman exclaimed. “I’m going to put this in my closet of pictures of hot women!”
“You have an obsession closet?!” Tatl yelled.
“Uh, no!”
Saria got the Seahorse! Somehow, it fits in a bottle.
“Hey, the Deku Princess fit in a bottle,” Link said.
You aren’t supposed to talk to me.
“But--”
Shut up.
“Hey, you actually saved me from getting sold!” the seahorse stated on their way out. “What are you going to do with me?”
“Release you,” Navi said. “On one condition.”
“What?”
“You have to lead us to the sea snake nest.”
“Hey, you’re going to the sea snake nest? My girlfriend was captured and is held captive there. Can you save her?”
“Save your girlfriend?”
“The seahorse wants us to save his girlfriend?” Saria asked. “What’s in it for us?”
“I’ll give you a Heart Piece,” the seahorse said.
“He says he’ll give us a Heart Piece for it,” Navi told Saria.
“How many do we have, anyway?” Saria questioned.
“Only three… Two of them weren’t even said in the story. One was on the clock tower and one was here in the fortress.”
“Hey, by the way!” one of the beavers from before called. “Thanks again!
Saria got the fourth Heart Piece, making another Heart Container!
“Well, that was sudden,” Saria stated as the beaver went away.
-
-
Later, after the seahorse showed them the way to the sea snake nest…
“Well, I’ll be waiting,” the seahorse said. “There’s no way I can go in there.”
“Obviously…” Saria muttered and she and Link(in Zora form) swam into the big hole.
“HOLY CRAP!!” Link screamed as one of the sea snake swam out and chomped everywhere.
“Is it just me or is my pendant glowing really brightly all of a sudden?” Saria asked. “…*Now it’s sparking… I hope it’s not breaking or else I’d be screwed. And now it’s even brighter!”
“Maybe it’s using some kind of special attack,” Navi said.
“Really?” Saria raised an eyebrow. But the pendant suddenly made a huge explosion of electricity, killing all the sea snakes but only effected them. “Whoa, that was awesome.”
Meanwhile, back at the Zora store…
“I sure hope I didn’t sell my magical pendant that does a totally awesome electric explosion attack by accident to that girl,” the Zora said. He paused, and then started tossing all the other pendants everywhere. “Oh crap. Why did I put it in that box?”
Back at the nest…
“That was so dang awesome!” Saria exclaimed.
“Wow, you killed all the sea snakes fast!” the seahorse stated.
Another seahorse swam up to that seahorse, “Derek! You came back for me!”
“Yes, yes I did, Evelyn. Take this as my thanks for saving my girlfriend!”
Saria got Heart Piece one!
Saria didn’t say anything, as she was still too freaked out about that attack.
“Link, go get the eggs,” Navi told Link.
“Why me?”
“DO IT!”
“Okay, okay.”
A few minutes later, Link came back with the rest of the eggs and they returned to the labratory.
“You got the rest of the eggs! Good job!” the professor said. “Hurry and put them in the tank! The eggs will hatch soon!”
Saria dumped all the eggs into the tank.
“All the eggs have been brought together! It’s such a lovely moment!”
“It is?” Link asked.
The eggs, rather than cracking, through, the eggs kind of just transformed into the baby Zora as if a Pokémon were evolving.
“Zoras are like frogs in a way,” the professor randomly stated. “They start out needing to live in the water, and then they get lungs.”
“Great to know. Now that all of the eggs have hatched, we can go to the temple, right?” Tatl asked.
“Wait, wait! Look at what they’re doing! They’ve lined themselves up as in a musical tune! Do you have an insturment of some sort?”
“I have a guitar,” Link said, taking out his bone guitar. (Yes, he was a Zora at the moment)
“Wonderful! Now play the tune!”
Somehow, the Zora tadpoles sang their respective notes and Link played it on his guitar. The tune was actually quite catchy, and a bass was in the background. Saria turned around to see Japas in the doorway.
“Where did you come from?” she questioned.
“Oh, I just thought it would sound cool if I added a bit more tune,” Japas said, and then left.
“What’s the song called?” Link asked. “Do you know?”
“I don’t know, but since they’re Lulu’s children, she might know.”
“But she has no voice!”
“Just go do it,” Navi told Link. “The strategy guide says that’s how you get into the Great Bay Temple.”
“Here comes another Water Temple. Oh boy,” Saria muttered.
Chapter 15: Zora Egg Hunt
Previously on The Legend of Crap, Link was pretty stupid, Navi was discovered to be able to talk to animals, Saria got items that let her deal with the water situation, Tatl went with Link on his exploring and Tijo, the Indigo-Go’s drummer, was proven to be crazy and a liar.
Now for Chapter Fifteen.
“I’m sorry, but it’s a rule that only band members can enter the rooms,” the Zora standing in front of Japas’s room told Saria.
“But Link is in there!” Saria yelled. “And we have to hurry up and go somewhere.”
“Do you have any idea how many crazed fans make up excuses to be able to get into the rooms? I’m not falling for it.”
“I’m serious!”
“We can’t trust people anymore after that crazed fan dressed up as a band member and opened the window.”
“Then why did you let who you call ‘Mikau’ in there? How do you know if he wasn’t somebody in disguise?”
“He was totally Mikau. I could tell by the way he looked that he wasn’t in a disguise!”
Saria sighed. “Do you have any idea how good people are at disguising themselves these days? And besides, he hardly looked like Mikau!”
“Okay, new plan,” Navi said. “Rather than trying to convince you to let us in, how about we just knock on the door and ask Link to come out?”
“But nobody named Link is in there!” the Zora insisted.
Link suddenly opened the door, not as in Zora form. “Oh, hi Saria!”
“How did you get in there?!”
“Oh, I wanted to see the reaction of the bassest when he saw me in normal form.”
“Normal form?! You’re really confusing me!”
“Okay, how about Link just shuts up and we walk away now?” Saria asked. “He keeps forgetting that nobody would understand our lives right now.”
The Zora nodded slowly.
-
-
Outside…
“So now we get to break into a pirate fortress? Awesome!” Saria exclaimed.
“Hey, who’s the Ruto look-a-like?” Link asked, eyeing a nearby Zora. He looked at her for a moment. “I am so glad she’s wearing a dress this time!”
“That’s Lulu, the Indigo-Go’s vocalist,” Tatl told him.
Link walked over to her. “You’re looking a little sad, what’s wrong?”
She didn’t reply.
“Excuse me.”
The Ruto look-a-like looked at him and pointed to her throat.
“Oh, she doesn’t have a voice,” Tatl spoke.
“Apparently it’s caused by the curse of the Great Bay Temple,” Navi explained. “And all of her eggs are missing too.”
“She’s a mother?” Link asked.
“The pirates stole her eggs because they thought it had to do with some treasure in the Great Bay Temple.”
“That’s awful!” Tatl exclaimed. “And what the heck would a singer’s children have to do with treasure? And does the strategy guide actually say all of that? I thought they just told you what to do.”
“Well, I don’t actually have an existing strategy guide, so the authoress makes it say whatever she wants it to.”
“Sure…”
“Don’t worry, Ruto-- I mean, Lulu! We’ll get your eggs back!” Link told Lulu. “But where’s the fortress?”
“Hey, I just realized there’s an owl statue right there,” Saria stated. She hit it with her sword and it opened up.
“The fortress is east from here,” Navi said.
-
-
“Where’s the entrance?!” Link complained. “It’s all a big wall of rock!”
“Down here!” Saria called from under the water. “I found a secret entrance behind these boards.”
“Wow, nobody ever thinks to look under the water,” Tatl said sarcastically.
“I know, right?” Link asked.
“I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! Underwater passageways are overused! It’s always underwater passageways!”
“It is?”
“Yes, Link. It is.”
“Okay then.”
Tatl sighed.
-
-
“Hey, I wonder where this big ocean leads,” Link stated after they swam through the passageway and into the fortress.
“Navi,” Tatl started.
“Yeah?” Navi asked.
“How come near the beginning of this story, when you were talking about all those transformations, how come you didn’t know what we got in the final place?”
“Isn’t it obvious what you would get in each place? That time, I didn’t look at the guide.”
“Oh. All right then.”
“And Link, I don’t think the ocean leads anywhere, because even after completing this area, the water stays murky and you automatically appear back at shore if you keep swimming.”
“Okay,” Link answered.
“So, anyway, those two masks we got from the two invisible soldiers at Ikana Canyon are supposed to make you invisible so people can’t see you, making this quest much easier.”
“How in the world could a mask make you invisible?” Saria asked.
“Well, we couldn’t see the guard that had it.”
“He wasn’t wearing it!”
“Shouldn’t we be focusing on saving the Great Bay rather than complaining about a mask?” Tatl questioned.
“All right, fine. But don’t you think it would be so much more exciting if we had to sneak past them instead?”
“Come on Saria, it will be hilarious,” Link said. “If we’re invisible, we could be throwing boxes and they would be totally clueless.”
“Wouldn’t they eventually realize that we were there?”
“If they can’t see us we’re totally safe! In fact, I could jump on that boat right there, walk in front of the guard and take a picture right now.” Link leaped off the platform they were standing on, where the guards couldn’t see them.
“Wait, Link! You’re not wearing the mask!” Navi called.
“INTRUDER!” the guard yelled, and Link appeared behind the group.
“What in the heck?” Saria asked. “You appeared back here and the guard didn’t even do anything!”
“Why didn’t the mask work?! They saw me!” Link complained.
“You weren’t wearing the mask.”
“Oh. Well, since the mask makes you invisible, I now call it the Ninja Mask.”
“That’s great, Link…”
-
-
“Hey! Look in there!” Tatl exclaimed after some sneaking through the fortress. The group looked through the barred window in front of them.
“You!” a Gerudo in red called to a short haired Gerudo. “Where are the rest of my eggs? I only have four in the tank!”
“I don’t know, Miss Aveil.”
“Did you hide my treasure again? How dare you not follow my orders! Last time you did that, you forgot where everything was and we had to look through the whole fortress to find them!”
“Miss Aveil, we didn’t hide your treasure again. I haven’t seen anybody go into your room all day besides yourself.”
“We need those eggs! That little imp wearing a mask told us that if we collect all of the eggs, we’ll gain access to the Great Bay Temple and steal the most valuable treasure in all the sea!”
“The eggs don’t have anything to do with that stupid temple!” Saria muttered. “For Din’s sake, they belong to a band vocalist!”
“But why did she lose her voice then?” Tatl asked.
“That happens to everybody once in a while. There’s a possibility she just had a sore throat and didn’t want to talk.”
“Or, it had to do with the curse of the Great Bay Temple,” Navi said. “There’s a possibility that she actually is a pretty important person of the ocean and reacts to things that happen to the ocean.”
“Whatever. I have to go deal with something.” Saria walked off.
“Saria, where are you--” Tatl started.
“Just leave her,” Navi told her.
“That treasure is a must have,” Aveil’s conversation with the Gerudo went on. “Now, back to those eggs, you have to hurry and find them, or else somebody might find out a band of pirates lost their own treasure and we’ll be the laughing stock!”
“Y-yes, Miss Aveil…” the Gerudo spoke, and started walking away.
“Wait.”
“Huh?”
“Just so you know, I’m telling you that you and the rest need to go find my eggs! Last time I didn’t give you a direct order, you didn’t do it.”
“Yes, Miss Aveil…”
The door suddenly broke down.
“Hey! I just got that fixed!” Aveil yelled.
“Saria…?” Navi started.
“I know what happened to your eggs,” Saria said, grinning. She was wearing their kind of clothes.
“Who are you?” Aveil demanded.
“I’m one of your pirates.”
“Aren’t you a little short?”
“No. But that’s not the point, I know what happened to your eggs. A bunch of, uh…*sea snakes stole them.”
“Sea snakes?! Not them again! Always messing with our treasure!” Aveil didn’t seem to notice how the heck they managed to steal their eggs. “We must go find their nest and destroy them!” She and the other pirate ran out of the room.
“Heh, suckers.” Saria walked over to the treasure chest in the room.
Saria got Two Hookshots!
“You know, we could’ve just shot the beehive,” Tatl said from behind the window.
“Beehive?!” Saria yelled. “There was one there this whole time?!”
“But your way worked though, I guess. Telling them something that they can’t even find because it doesn’t exist.”
“Actually…” Navi started slowly. “The rest of the eggs have been stolen by sea snakes…”
“HOW?!” Saria shouted.
“I think that Mikau might have dropped some and Aveil didn’t notice, and the sea snakes took them.”
“But that was a while ago, it took her that long to notice that some of her eggs were gone and didn’t even guess that some of them fell in the water?”
“Just go with it, Saria.”
“Fine then.” Saria hookshoted to the top of the egg tank where the four eggs were.
“It’s weird, because the eggs are supposed to be scattered all around the fortress.”
“Hey, it saves time. Don’t complain. So how do we carry these eggs? I’m guessing bottles because the eggs need to be kept in water?”
“Yes.”
“But we only have three bottles and there are four eggs!”
Some beavers suddenly walked in.
“What the crap?”
“Oh, we noticed that you managed to drive all the pirates out of the fortress, so we came to reward you!” one of the beavers said.
The whole group stared at them.
“They stole a floaty from us once, so we came to get it! Here, take this bottle!”
Saria got a bottle!
The beavers left.
“…” Saria was silent.
“Well that wasn’t in the strategy guide…” Navi spoke.
“I think that was just laziness,” Tatl stated.
-
-
Later, in the Ocean Labratory… (Saria changed her clothes back.)
“Oh mah garsh! You got some of the eggs!” the professor exclaimed. “Put ‘em in the tank! Quickly now!”
“Okay,” Saria answered. She climbed to the top of a tank with two fish inside it.
“No, no! Wrong tank! Those fish are part of an experiment of mine! The giant tank right behind me!”
“I was just joking.” Saria climbed to the top of the giant tank, and somehow, the big eggs managed to fit through the bars, but Saria’s feet didn’t get stuck.
“So… The rest of the eggs are at the sea snake nest,” Link said. “I wonder if the pirates are there already.”
“Sea snakes?” the professor asked. “They’re nest is supposed to be at Pinnacle Rock. However, you need a special path to get there, and only the seahorses know how to get there. It’s impossible for anybody to sail or swim over there alone.”
“Do you know where we can find a sea horse?”
“They live at Pinnacle Rock, but ever since the murky water showed up, they’ve all hidden away. I think that one of the seahorses was captured by a fisherman, though. He lives in one of the houses near the entrance.”
“Why are you telling us all this stuff?” Tatl asked. “We didn’t even ask.”
“I tend to do that sometimes. Talking before being asked.”
Tatl nodded slowly. “Yeah, let’s leave.”
-
-
“Hey, Mr. Fisherman guy,” Saria said to the guy inside one of the two houses.
“That’s Mr. Fisherguy to you!” the fisherman told her. She nodded slowly.
“Yeah…*Have you seen any sea horses around?”
“Yeah, I have one in this tank right here.”
“HELP ME HELP ME!! I’VE BEEN CAPTURED BY A BALD TATTOOED FREAK WHO WANTS TO SELL ME!!” the seahorse screamed.
“You don’t need to yell!” Navi told the seahorse.
“I need help, really badly, and I can’t help yelling! I am so freaked out right now I can’t stop talking!”
“This here seahorse I plan on sellin’ at the carnival,” Mr. Fisherguy explained. “It’s super rare so I plan on getting lots of bucks outta it.”
“On second thought, how about you give it to us now?” Saria asked.
“Give? Are you crazy? You have no idea what I went through to get this thing. That thing can swim fast!”
“You kidnapped me while I was sleeping!” the seahorse yelled, but of course, the fisherman couldn’t understand it.
“Well, we kind of need it to save the Great Bay,” Link said.
“Well, how about we make a deal?” Mr. Fisherguy asked. “You get me a picture of a Gerudo pirate where I can see her face clearly, and I’ll give you the seahorse.”
“But all the pirates have left to go find the sea snake nest. How?”
“Would you rather pay 3000 rupees?”
“Well, no, but it’s not possible to--”
“Got the picture,” Saria said, holding out the picture.
“How…?”
“All the pirates on the ship got lost at the murky sea and I got a clear picture of the whole ship, and you can see a ton of pirates.”
“When did you take my camera and how did you print it?”
“That’s just one of the things in this game. You show the picture to the person and it automatically goes off your camera, so it must be printed up somehow.”
“Whoa! This picture is totally hot!” the fisherman exclaimed. “I’m going to put this in my closet of pictures of hot women!”
“You have an obsession closet?!” Tatl yelled.
“Uh, no!”
Saria got the Seahorse! Somehow, it fits in a bottle.
“Hey, the Deku Princess fit in a bottle,” Link said.
You aren’t supposed to talk to me.
“But--”
Shut up.
“Hey, you actually saved me from getting sold!” the seahorse stated on their way out. “What are you going to do with me?”
“Release you,” Navi said. “On one condition.”
“What?”
“You have to lead us to the sea snake nest.”
“Hey, you’re going to the sea snake nest? My girlfriend was captured and is held captive there. Can you save her?”
“Save your girlfriend?”
“The seahorse wants us to save his girlfriend?” Saria asked. “What’s in it for us?”
“I’ll give you a Heart Piece,” the seahorse said.
“He says he’ll give us a Heart Piece for it,” Navi told Saria.
“How many do we have, anyway?” Saria questioned.
“Only three… Two of them weren’t even said in the story. One was on the clock tower and one was here in the fortress.”
“Hey, by the way!” one of the beavers from before called. “Thanks again!
Saria got the fourth Heart Piece, making another Heart Container!
“Well, that was sudden,” Saria stated as the beaver went away.
-
-
Later, after the seahorse showed them the way to the sea snake nest…
“Well, I’ll be waiting,” the seahorse said. “There’s no way I can go in there.”
“Obviously…” Saria muttered and she and Link(in Zora form) swam into the big hole.
“HOLY CRAP!!” Link screamed as one of the sea snake swam out and chomped everywhere.
“Is it just me or is my pendant glowing really brightly all of a sudden?” Saria asked. “…*Now it’s sparking… I hope it’s not breaking or else I’d be screwed. And now it’s even brighter!”
“Maybe it’s using some kind of special attack,” Navi said.
“Really?” Saria raised an eyebrow. But the pendant suddenly made a huge explosion of electricity, killing all the sea snakes but only effected them. “Whoa, that was awesome.”
Meanwhile, back at the Zora store…
“I sure hope I didn’t sell my magical pendant that does a totally awesome electric explosion attack by accident to that girl,” the Zora said. He paused, and then started tossing all the other pendants everywhere. “Oh crap. Why did I put it in that box?”
Back at the nest…
“That was so dang awesome!” Saria exclaimed.
“Wow, you killed all the sea snakes fast!” the seahorse stated.
Another seahorse swam up to that seahorse, “Derek! You came back for me!”
“Yes, yes I did, Evelyn. Take this as my thanks for saving my girlfriend!”
Saria got Heart Piece one!
Saria didn’t say anything, as she was still too freaked out about that attack.
“Link, go get the eggs,” Navi told Link.
“Why me?”
“DO IT!”
“Okay, okay.”
A few minutes later, Link came back with the rest of the eggs and they returned to the labratory.
“You got the rest of the eggs! Good job!” the professor said. “Hurry and put them in the tank! The eggs will hatch soon!”
Saria dumped all the eggs into the tank.
“All the eggs have been brought together! It’s such a lovely moment!”
“It is?” Link asked.
The eggs, rather than cracking, through, the eggs kind of just transformed into the baby Zora as if a Pokémon were evolving.
“Zoras are like frogs in a way,” the professor randomly stated. “They start out needing to live in the water, and then they get lungs.”
“Great to know. Now that all of the eggs have hatched, we can go to the temple, right?” Tatl asked.
“Wait, wait! Look at what they’re doing! They’ve lined themselves up as in a musical tune! Do you have an insturment of some sort?”
“I have a guitar,” Link said, taking out his bone guitar. (Yes, he was a Zora at the moment)
“Wonderful! Now play the tune!”
Somehow, the Zora tadpoles sang their respective notes and Link played it on his guitar. The tune was actually quite catchy, and a bass was in the background. Saria turned around to see Japas in the doorway.
“Where did you come from?” she questioned.
“Oh, I just thought it would sound cool if I added a bit more tune,” Japas said, and then left.
“What’s the song called?” Link asked. “Do you know?”
“I don’t know, but since they’re Lulu’s children, she might know.”
“But she has no voice!”
“Just go do it,” Navi told Link. “The strategy guide says that’s how you get into the Great Bay Temple.”
“Here comes another Water Temple. Oh boy,” Saria muttered.
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
awsome! and I've been able to read these as they come now XD
onebizarrekai
gay energy
This story's got a different title now, named "The Bizarre Saga". I can't seem to change the post title, and changing each individual post would take forever, but the following chapters will have the new title.
---
The Bizarre Saga: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 16: More Rapid Shooting
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link learned a new song, Navi REALLY needs to become exciting again, Saria learned an awesome and beastly new attack, Tatl also needs to be more exciting, and all of the Zora eggs were retrieved.
Now for Chapter Sixteen.
“Hey Lulu, we got back all your eggs!” Tatl told Lulu went they returned to that area.
Lulu looked up.
“Do you know this song?” Link asked, taking out his guitar. He played the new song on it, and he and Lulu did a duet, because apparently Lulu could sing again just for that moment.
A giant turtle burst out of the water. Yes, a giant turtle.
DA DA DA DA DAAAAA!!
“Hello there, heroes!” the turtle greeted. “I heard you just play a the lovely New Wave Bossa Nova!”
Lulu looked surprised. “The island became a giant turtle?” she thought, for she once again couldn’t make a sound.
“I am here to take you to the Great Bay Temple. Climb on my back with those hookshots you stole from the Pirate’s Fortress.”
“This guy is weird,” Link whispered.
“I said climb on my back already!”
“So it’s time for the Great Bay Temple,” Navi said.
Thunder crackled in the background.
“Hey, no need for that. I looked through it in the strategy guide and it doesn’t look as hard as the Water Temple.”
“CLIMB ON MY BACK!!” the turtle yelled.
“Okay, okay!” Saria said.
-
-
Inside the Great Bay Temple…
“Good bye Mr. Turtle!” Link spoke, waving to the giant turtle.
“I’m not leaving,” the turtle said. “I wait in here in case you need to leave for whatever reason.”
“Oh.”
“You do realize that when we beat the temple we warp out, right?” Saria asked. “I don’t think anybody will come back to you if we beat the temple.”
“Uh…” the turtle started.
“Just wait here…”
“Fine.”
“So, I’m guessing we have to gather all of the fairies in this temple too, right?” Tatl asked Navi.
“Yeah,” Navi replied. “The prize is the thing you get from the last great fairy in Ocarina of Time.”
“About time they realize that you’ll need it earlier,” Saria said.
“What is it?” Tatl questioned. “In case you forgot, I wasn’t there!”
“Defense,” Navi told her.
After collecting the fairies from that room, they continued to the next one.
“Whoa! That’s a huge waterwheel!” Tatl exclaimed, flying up to a giant waterwheel.
“Hey, did you ever wonder why we only saw Kevin that one time?” Link asked.
“No,” Saria answered.
“I think the authoress forgot about him,” Navi said.
“Forgot about Kevin?” Link gasped. “How?”
“Link, he’s a magic peacock that does nothing but let us cut through parts of the games. Why should he appear more often?”
“Navi, if he didn’t exist, then we would’ve had to walk all the way to Hyrule Castle and sneak into the castle. You know how bad I am at sneaking!”
“No I don’t!”
“Well…*We’d have to go up that death slide and almost die if he didn’t show up in the Water Temple.”
“Why don’t we get on with this temple already?” Saria asked. “I want to beat things with my sword.”
NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY
60 HOURS REMAIN
“It always does that at the most random times! But whatever, let’s get on with the temple.”
“I just realized I’m really hungry,” Link stated.
“Speaking of that, I just realized how disgusting it was when Saria ate all of Jabu Jabu raw,” Navi said.
“Food!”
“LET’S GET ON WITH THE TEMPLE!” Saria yelled.
“So… How do we get up there?” Link looked at a door high above the ground.
“Easy. I toss my rope and climb up there, while you take the long way!” Saria threw her rope which wrapped around a pipe(don’t ask me how) and she climbed up to the platform.
“Not fair!”
“Do you think that’s going to let us skip through most of the temple?” Tatl asked. “I don’t think that’s in the game, we’re supposed to have a rope and somebody who knows how to use it.”
“We still have to get all the Stray Fairies,” Navi said. “We can’t skip through the temple, or else we might miss something.”
“Hey, how come we have to do all the temples in order anyway?” Link questioned.
“Well, you have to go to the Southern Swamp first because you need arrows to get onto the Snowhead Mountain, and you have to do Snowhead Mountain second because you can’t do the Epona side quest to get into the Great Bay until after you get Powder Kegs which you don’t get until you beat the Snowhead Temple, and you can’t do Ikana Canyon until after you do the Great Bay because you need the Hookshot to get into the area and you can’t get into the main area until after you get the Ice Arrows in this temple.”
Link nodded slowly.
“You didn’t understand most of what I said, didn’t you.”
“Yeah…” Link said.
-
-
“Oh, I see!” Tatl exclaimed once they entered the next room. “The waterwheel powers this giant thing in here!”
“Is it safe to jump in?” Link asked.
“Of course it is,” Navi answered, holding the guide. “In fact, you’re supposed to go down there.”
“I don’t know, it doesn’t look safe…”
“IT IS!!”
“Okay, okay!”
-
-
Later in the mini boss room…
“Muahahaha! I am evil!” the eyeball mini boss said.
“Wow, haven’t heard that in a long time,” Saria stated.
“FEAR ME!”
“No thanks.” Saria took out her bow and shot it constantly. It was protected by pink bubble things so not all the arrows hit the eye, but it was creamed pretty quickly.
“DANG IT!” The mini boss was defeated and a treasure chest appeared.
“Yay!” Link said. He ran over to the chest and opened it.
Link got Ice Arrows!
“Sweet.”
“How the heck do you do that, Saria?” Tatl asked. “You didn’t even have a bow before.”
“Years of practice,” Saria answered. “I had a bow, which I used for a quite a while, but when we went back in time after saving Hyrule I didn’t have it anymore, but I got a new one and practiced with it for two years, but I didn’t bring it here.”
“Wait, what?”
“Look, these games seem to be mostly about time, don’t they?”
“Well, yeah…”
“As Navi said at that other time, when she was telling Link that story, it was our actual adventure.”
“You said that.”
“We did travel seven years forward in time, and that’s when I had the bow. So when we went back in time, I didn’t have it anymore. Understand?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Good.”
-
-
“Good thing we have the strategy guide or else we wouldn’t have been able to make it this far,” Tatl said. “This was a pretty complicated temple. But now we’re in the boss room!”
“But all that was shown was the beginning, the mini boss and this!” Saria stated.
“What’s fun about writing in this complicated temple when there are absolutely no other things to make jokes of?” Navi asked.
“Well, I guess that makes sense.”
“Can we eat after we beat this temple?” Link questioned.
“Yes, Link,” Navi replied.
“Yay!”
Saria looked down the hole in the middle of the room. “So I’m guessing we jump down?” Saria said.
“Yeah,” Navi answered.
So they jumped down the pit and landed on an unstable platform in the water.
“Holy crap, giant fish!” Link screamed.
“This is supposed to be the hardest boss in the game,” Navi stated.
“That’s an opinion, why would the guide say that?” Saria asked.
“Well, Odalwa was easy, Goht is easy… Well, if you don’t do it the Goron way when you’re chasing it.”
“What?”
“The fourth boss is actually pretty easy, and the final boss is actually easy if you use the final mask. I don’t want to spoil too much.”
“HEY! I’M STILL HERE!!” Gyorg(the boss) yelled.
“Oh, right,” Saria said. “So who are you obsessed with?”
“Obsessed with? Why would I be obsessed with somebody?”
“Because all the previous bosses were.”
“Oh, I’m not like them. It breaks focus to have an obsession.”
“So that’s why they were so easy to defeat?”
“Yep.”
“So how are we supposed to kill you?”
“Like I’d tell you!” Gyorg jumped out of the water an practically flew over the platform.
“Hey, why don’t you just use your necklace again?” Tatl asked Saria.
“I don’t know how to control it,” Saria told her. “I wasn’t even thinking about it when it killed all those sea snakes. And ever since then, it hasn’t been doing anything like that.”
“Maybe you can only use it once per cycle,” Navi suggested.
“How do you know that? It’s not like this was in the game.”
“I don’t know that. But it’s a possibility.”
“That still doesn’t mean I can use it when I want to!”
“RAWR!” Gyorg yelled to get their attention.
“Shut up. I’d shoot you if you weren’t in the water.”
“Why don’t you just shoot him when he jumps over the platform?” Link suggested.
“RAWR! I’m going to jump over the platform leaving myself totally exposed for getting painfully shot with arrows,” Gyorg stated and leaped over the platform. Saria managed to shoot him so many times that he didn’t reach the other side, but instead started flopping around on the platform. “NOOOO!!!” Gyorg was too weak to reach the water again, so he was defeated.
Link got a Heart Container!
“Wow, that was pretty epic,” Tatl stated. “You guys really know how to deal with these bosses.”
“…*You guys aren’t going to yell at me for coming up with an obvious idea, are you?” Link asked.
“No, actually,” Saria answered. “I thought that he would be smart enough to not jump out of the water again, and I was about to tell you that, but then he did jump out…”
DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY
48 HOURS REMAIN
“We were in the temple that long?” Link asked.
“I guess so,” Navi answered.
“So, you said we were going to eat once we beat the temple…”
“We haven’t even gone into the blue light yet.”
“Oh, right.”
-
-
“Hello there,” the giant greeted.
“Uh, hi,” Saria said slowly.
“The giant of Woodfall told me you would be coming.”
“How? I thought you were sealed away,” Navi spoke.
“That doesn’t mean we can’t call each other.”
“It kind of does,” Tatl stated. “It doesn’t really make any sense at all.”
“Just live with it. So you need me to help you stop the moon and all that. I know. So you can leave now.”
“Okay…”
-
-
When they were warped back to the Great Bay, the Zoras were having a beach party.
“Wow, awesome!” Link exclaimed, putting on his Zora mask.
“I thought you wanted food,” Tatl said.
“There’s food here!”
“AHH!!” a Zora suddenly screamed. “I thought that the waters went back to normal!”
“What’s the matter, Michael?” a nearby Zora asked him.
“The waters were supposed to go back the normal! There are still Like Likes in it!”
“Weird…”
“Well, maybe we should just have the beach part and leave out the swimming…” another Zora suggested.
“Yeah, good idea.”
“Don’t you think we should find the Great Fairy Fountain, Link?” Navi asked Link.
“Fine,” Link answered.
-
-
Later, after they found the Great Fairy Fountain…
“Hello there! I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom!” the green Great Fairy greeted. “Yes, I know I am green but--”
“The Snowhead Great Fairy told us already,” Saria told her.
“Well okay then. Here, take the gift for saving me!”
Link and Saria got defense!
“Now enemies will do half as much damage as before!”
“That’s the exact same thing that was said in Ocarina of Time…” Saria stated.
So Link, Saria, Navi and Tatl were at the beach party for about two normal hours. During that time, Link was even asked to preform because everybody thought he was Mikau. Before this, he was about to play the Song of Time, so he just preformed it and they went back in time.
---
The Bizarre Saga: Majora’s Mask
Chapter 16: More Rapid Shooting
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link learned a new song, Navi REALLY needs to become exciting again, Saria learned an awesome and beastly new attack, Tatl also needs to be more exciting, and all of the Zora eggs were retrieved.
Now for Chapter Sixteen.
“Hey Lulu, we got back all your eggs!” Tatl told Lulu went they returned to that area.
Lulu looked up.
“Do you know this song?” Link asked, taking out his guitar. He played the new song on it, and he and Lulu did a duet, because apparently Lulu could sing again just for that moment.
A giant turtle burst out of the water. Yes, a giant turtle.
DA DA DA DA DAAAAA!!
“Hello there, heroes!” the turtle greeted. “I heard you just play a the lovely New Wave Bossa Nova!”
Lulu looked surprised. “The island became a giant turtle?” she thought, for she once again couldn’t make a sound.
“I am here to take you to the Great Bay Temple. Climb on my back with those hookshots you stole from the Pirate’s Fortress.”
“This guy is weird,” Link whispered.
“I said climb on my back already!”
“So it’s time for the Great Bay Temple,” Navi said.
Thunder crackled in the background.
“Hey, no need for that. I looked through it in the strategy guide and it doesn’t look as hard as the Water Temple.”
“CLIMB ON MY BACK!!” the turtle yelled.
“Okay, okay!” Saria said.
-
-
Inside the Great Bay Temple…
“Good bye Mr. Turtle!” Link spoke, waving to the giant turtle.
“I’m not leaving,” the turtle said. “I wait in here in case you need to leave for whatever reason.”
“Oh.”
“You do realize that when we beat the temple we warp out, right?” Saria asked. “I don’t think anybody will come back to you if we beat the temple.”
“Uh…” the turtle started.
“Just wait here…”
“Fine.”
“So, I’m guessing we have to gather all of the fairies in this temple too, right?” Tatl asked Navi.
“Yeah,” Navi replied. “The prize is the thing you get from the last great fairy in Ocarina of Time.”
“About time they realize that you’ll need it earlier,” Saria said.
“What is it?” Tatl questioned. “In case you forgot, I wasn’t there!”
“Defense,” Navi told her.
After collecting the fairies from that room, they continued to the next one.
“Whoa! That’s a huge waterwheel!” Tatl exclaimed, flying up to a giant waterwheel.
“Hey, did you ever wonder why we only saw Kevin that one time?” Link asked.
“No,” Saria answered.
“I think the authoress forgot about him,” Navi said.
“Forgot about Kevin?” Link gasped. “How?”
“Link, he’s a magic peacock that does nothing but let us cut through parts of the games. Why should he appear more often?”
“Navi, if he didn’t exist, then we would’ve had to walk all the way to Hyrule Castle and sneak into the castle. You know how bad I am at sneaking!”
“No I don’t!”
“Well…*We’d have to go up that death slide and almost die if he didn’t show up in the Water Temple.”
“Why don’t we get on with this temple already?” Saria asked. “I want to beat things with my sword.”
NIGHT OF THE FIRST DAY
60 HOURS REMAIN
“It always does that at the most random times! But whatever, let’s get on with the temple.”
“I just realized I’m really hungry,” Link stated.
“Speaking of that, I just realized how disgusting it was when Saria ate all of Jabu Jabu raw,” Navi said.
“Food!”
“LET’S GET ON WITH THE TEMPLE!” Saria yelled.
“So… How do we get up there?” Link looked at a door high above the ground.
“Easy. I toss my rope and climb up there, while you take the long way!” Saria threw her rope which wrapped around a pipe(don’t ask me how) and she climbed up to the platform.
“Not fair!”
“Do you think that’s going to let us skip through most of the temple?” Tatl asked. “I don’t think that’s in the game, we’re supposed to have a rope and somebody who knows how to use it.”
“We still have to get all the Stray Fairies,” Navi said. “We can’t skip through the temple, or else we might miss something.”
“Hey, how come we have to do all the temples in order anyway?” Link questioned.
“Well, you have to go to the Southern Swamp first because you need arrows to get onto the Snowhead Mountain, and you have to do Snowhead Mountain second because you can’t do the Epona side quest to get into the Great Bay until after you get Powder Kegs which you don’t get until you beat the Snowhead Temple, and you can’t do Ikana Canyon until after you do the Great Bay because you need the Hookshot to get into the area and you can’t get into the main area until after you get the Ice Arrows in this temple.”
Link nodded slowly.
“You didn’t understand most of what I said, didn’t you.”
“Yeah…” Link said.
-
-
“Oh, I see!” Tatl exclaimed once they entered the next room. “The waterwheel powers this giant thing in here!”
“Is it safe to jump in?” Link asked.
“Of course it is,” Navi answered, holding the guide. “In fact, you’re supposed to go down there.”
“I don’t know, it doesn’t look safe…”
“IT IS!!”
“Okay, okay!”
-
-
Later in the mini boss room…
“Muahahaha! I am evil!” the eyeball mini boss said.
“Wow, haven’t heard that in a long time,” Saria stated.
“FEAR ME!”
“No thanks.” Saria took out her bow and shot it constantly. It was protected by pink bubble things so not all the arrows hit the eye, but it was creamed pretty quickly.
“DANG IT!” The mini boss was defeated and a treasure chest appeared.
“Yay!” Link said. He ran over to the chest and opened it.
Link got Ice Arrows!
“Sweet.”
“How the heck do you do that, Saria?” Tatl asked. “You didn’t even have a bow before.”
“Years of practice,” Saria answered. “I had a bow, which I used for a quite a while, but when we went back in time after saving Hyrule I didn’t have it anymore, but I got a new one and practiced with it for two years, but I didn’t bring it here.”
“Wait, what?”
“Look, these games seem to be mostly about time, don’t they?”
“Well, yeah…”
“As Navi said at that other time, when she was telling Link that story, it was our actual adventure.”
“You said that.”
“We did travel seven years forward in time, and that’s when I had the bow. So when we went back in time, I didn’t have it anymore. Understand?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Good.”
-
-
“Good thing we have the strategy guide or else we wouldn’t have been able to make it this far,” Tatl said. “This was a pretty complicated temple. But now we’re in the boss room!”
“But all that was shown was the beginning, the mini boss and this!” Saria stated.
“What’s fun about writing in this complicated temple when there are absolutely no other things to make jokes of?” Navi asked.
“Well, I guess that makes sense.”
“Can we eat after we beat this temple?” Link questioned.
“Yes, Link,” Navi replied.
“Yay!”
Saria looked down the hole in the middle of the room. “So I’m guessing we jump down?” Saria said.
“Yeah,” Navi answered.
So they jumped down the pit and landed on an unstable platform in the water.
“Holy crap, giant fish!” Link screamed.
“This is supposed to be the hardest boss in the game,” Navi stated.
“That’s an opinion, why would the guide say that?” Saria asked.
“Well, Odalwa was easy, Goht is easy… Well, if you don’t do it the Goron way when you’re chasing it.”
“What?”
“The fourth boss is actually pretty easy, and the final boss is actually easy if you use the final mask. I don’t want to spoil too much.”
“HEY! I’M STILL HERE!!” Gyorg(the boss) yelled.
“Oh, right,” Saria said. “So who are you obsessed with?”
“Obsessed with? Why would I be obsessed with somebody?”
“Because all the previous bosses were.”
“Oh, I’m not like them. It breaks focus to have an obsession.”
“So that’s why they were so easy to defeat?”
“Yep.”
“So how are we supposed to kill you?”
“Like I’d tell you!” Gyorg jumped out of the water an practically flew over the platform.
“Hey, why don’t you just use your necklace again?” Tatl asked Saria.
“I don’t know how to control it,” Saria told her. “I wasn’t even thinking about it when it killed all those sea snakes. And ever since then, it hasn’t been doing anything like that.”
“Maybe you can only use it once per cycle,” Navi suggested.
“How do you know that? It’s not like this was in the game.”
“I don’t know that. But it’s a possibility.”
“That still doesn’t mean I can use it when I want to!”
“RAWR!” Gyorg yelled to get their attention.
“Shut up. I’d shoot you if you weren’t in the water.”
“Why don’t you just shoot him when he jumps over the platform?” Link suggested.
“RAWR! I’m going to jump over the platform leaving myself totally exposed for getting painfully shot with arrows,” Gyorg stated and leaped over the platform. Saria managed to shoot him so many times that he didn’t reach the other side, but instead started flopping around on the platform. “NOOOO!!!” Gyorg was too weak to reach the water again, so he was defeated.
Link got a Heart Container!
“Wow, that was pretty epic,” Tatl stated. “You guys really know how to deal with these bosses.”
“…*You guys aren’t going to yell at me for coming up with an obvious idea, are you?” Link asked.
“No, actually,” Saria answered. “I thought that he would be smart enough to not jump out of the water again, and I was about to tell you that, but then he did jump out…”
DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY
48 HOURS REMAIN
“We were in the temple that long?” Link asked.
“I guess so,” Navi answered.
“So, you said we were going to eat once we beat the temple…”
“We haven’t even gone into the blue light yet.”
“Oh, right.”
-
-
“Hello there,” the giant greeted.
“Uh, hi,” Saria said slowly.
“The giant of Woodfall told me you would be coming.”
“How? I thought you were sealed away,” Navi spoke.
“That doesn’t mean we can’t call each other.”
“It kind of does,” Tatl stated. “It doesn’t really make any sense at all.”
“Just live with it. So you need me to help you stop the moon and all that. I know. So you can leave now.”
“Okay…”
-
-
When they were warped back to the Great Bay, the Zoras were having a beach party.
“Wow, awesome!” Link exclaimed, putting on his Zora mask.
“I thought you wanted food,” Tatl said.
“There’s food here!”
“AHH!!” a Zora suddenly screamed. “I thought that the waters went back to normal!”
“What’s the matter, Michael?” a nearby Zora asked him.
“The waters were supposed to go back the normal! There are still Like Likes in it!”
“Weird…”
“Well, maybe we should just have the beach part and leave out the swimming…” another Zora suggested.
“Yeah, good idea.”
“Don’t you think we should find the Great Fairy Fountain, Link?” Navi asked Link.
“Fine,” Link answered.
-
-
Later, after they found the Great Fairy Fountain…
“Hello there! I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom!” the green Great Fairy greeted. “Yes, I know I am green but--”
“The Snowhead Great Fairy told us already,” Saria told her.
“Well okay then. Here, take the gift for saving me!”
Link and Saria got defense!
“Now enemies will do half as much damage as before!”
“That’s the exact same thing that was said in Ocarina of Time…” Saria stated.
So Link, Saria, Navi and Tatl were at the beach party for about two normal hours. During that time, Link was even asked to preform because everybody thought he was Mikau. Before this, he was about to play the Song of Time, so he just preformed it and they went back in time.
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
HOW AM I GONNA LIVE WITH NO SARIA IN THE TP ONE!?!?!?!?!?!? ( LOL )