The Jokes Thread

[Zelda18]

This thread is basically where you just tell the funny jokes you've heard.
funny one liners, jokes that need a response, riddles. Pretty much anything.

 

[HeroOfTime]

I'm planning on living forever. So far, so good!

 

[TheRockinStallion]

I drink WAY too much. I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it.

 

[Blue Canary]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including an Alaskan and a Hawaiian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fancy bar.

"Sorry," says the bartender, "I can't let you in without a Thai.".

 

[Pen]

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "I think someone committed a typo".

 

[TheRockinStallion]

What do you call it when a hitman kills a cow with a glass figurine?

A knick-knack patty whack.

 

[Pen]

Here comes a few really nerdy jokes! Enjoy:


Two atoms were walking down the street. One says "Wait, stop! I dropped an electron!"

The other says "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!"


The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? "With you? Get real!"


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it'll cost. The bartender replies: "For you? No charge!"

 

[Zelda18]

Wow, people are actually posting here!

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

Three people are flying in a plane, the pilot, the president (of the U.S.), and a random 6-year old girl. The plane gets hit and starts to go down, there are only two parachutes, the pilot takes one of them and jumps out the window the president makes it to them next, with the little girl right behind him. He looks at the girl, then at the parachute, back to the girl back to the parachute, until he grabs it and straps it on as he jumps out the plane. The little girl stood there a couple seconds smiling at the window, then says, "he just grabbed my backpack". And follows them out strapped to the last parachute.

 

[Blue Canary]

What's worse: Ignorance or Apathy?

Spoiler: Click

I don't know and I don't care.

 

[HeroOfTime]

My mom always told me, no matter how hard a task was, to always give 100%... That didn't go so well when I was donating blood...

 

[TheRockinStallion]

If lemonade is made of lemons then what the heck is Gatorade made from?