Xinnamin
Mrs. Austin
You all saw that Atsuma Challenge thing? Well this was my entry, which I am now looking for critiques on. Given the 1500 word limit, I was rather rushed at the end, and may not have been quite as descriptive as I normally like to be. There are likely errors, issues with flow, various other problems, so like I said, I'm looking for critiques and suggestions on how to improve the story, or maybe just make the ending seem not so squished, so I can make a revised version.
Any and all critiques and suggestions are greatly appreciated, that includes suggestions on the title.
Rated PG13 for some slightly violent descriptions and imagery.
Twilight…they say it’s the only time when our world intersects with theirs…
The spirits of old, lingering in the red glow of the setting sun, always watching over the living that they miss so dearly. And the living, wishing so intensely that their beloved would one day return to embrace them once more, as the setting sun embraces the earth.
That is why loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight.
The young prince sighed.
Up upon the great cliffs surrounding the Zora’s Domain, one can see everything around the fountain. The glistening waterfalls, the ancient stone halls, the mossy rocks and dainty lily pads. It is truly the most beautiful place in all of Hyrule.
But it was also once the most terrifying.
The great red sun of twilight’s glow spread like blood across the surface of the water, surrounding the swimming Zoras, their playing turned to panicking and laughter turned to screams.
-
Ralis found himself in complete darkness, floating underwater in his favorite pond-bottom cavern. What light should have filtered from the surface was blocked, the water was stained dark crimson. The guards above the surface were shouting, screaming, howling in pain, their anguish distorted by the taint of the pond. Two guards swam up to the young prince, ushering him to the surface, half dragging him into the waterfall.
Ralis was confused. All about him Zoras were flailing, their screams barely audible past the rush of the waterfall. He thought he could see dark shadows on the ground, slithering about, and guards surrounding them, falling like toy soldiers. Ralis tried to ask what was going on, but the guards kept swimming up, up into the throne room, up to his mother.
When they surfaced, the screams became distant, but still sharp and painful. Scores of Zora throughout the room were in a frenzy, discussing critical matters in great hysteria. The queen was on her throne, head in her hands, guards trying to console her, advisors trying to calm the panic of the room.
The young prince was frightened now. He tried to speak up, but no one could hear him above anyone else. The guards that had escorted him ushered him to the throne, apparently unable to hear him either in their rush. The screams from the pond grew louder. Ralis began shivering in fright.
The queen looked up when she noticed the guards approaching. She looked to her son, her face full of motherly comfort, but Ralis could see great worry. He heard not of what she spoke to the guards of; he could only hear the screams, and he shivered harder.
Someone in the throne room screamed, and soon more shrieks joined in. The queen stood and gasped, the guards all spun towards the waterfall, spears and swords at the ready. Ralis turned to look. That image of that moment would haunt him forever since.
Four great black beasts with plated faces and monstrous tentacles creeped into the room, seemingly walking on top of the water. They had no eyes, no mouth, yet they seemed capable of making sounds, strange, low growls. The guards charged, impaling two on the spot, barely missing the third and fourth. They raised their spears, ready to lunge again, but the living monsters screamed. Ralis gripped his head in pain, watching with horror as the two fallen monsters climbed back to their feet, and lunged at the guards that had tried to kill them.
Blood. Blood everywhere. The air grew heavy with a thick, nauseating scent the young prince had never known existed. He could no longer see the beasts. He could no longer hear the screams. All he could hear was claws ripping into flesh. All he could see was blood.
The monsters lunged into the throne room, grabbing for the terrified prince. Ralis felt someone grab his hand, a familiar hand, pulling him out of the room. His mother gave him a comforting smile, and ran with him from the beasts, guards behind them offering their own bodies as shields. The queen glanced behind her, Ralis could hear the monsters gaining ground. Suddenly, his mother stopped him.
“Listen to me Ralis, I need you to do something for me. Something very important. Go to Hyrule Castle, go to the Hylians’ princess. Tell her that our home has been invaded, and request for her assistance. Do you understand?”
Ralis looked his mother in the eye. He saw she was frightened, but she was trying to look brave, for him. He nodded.
Rutela smiled. “Good boy. Now go. And remember Ralis, I love you.”
She motioned him to the waterfall, and he dived obediently. Just before he hit the water below, he thought he heard his mother scream.
He let the current take him. He didn’t even really notice the Zora around him, probably panicked about the throne room. He simply swam, unthinking, unfeeling, trying to unhear the screaming, to unsee the deaths. He just swam. Down the upper river, down the cavern streams, down the mountain rapids, down into the northern field creek. Ralis tumbled to the hard stone stairs of the artificial creek, barely registering that the creek was only half as full as it should have been.
The young prince was disoriented and confused. Some of his scales were still covered in bloody slime from the Zora fountain. Ralis climbed groggily to the grassy field, dizzy from the smell of death and the rough ride of the rapids. He felt his stomach heave, he wanted to scream, to cry, to be back in his mother’s arms, but she had given him a job, and he had to finish it.
Ralis didn’t know how far he walked before everything went black.
-
Laugher reverberated around the fountain as the prince jerked back to reality. His forehead was beaded with sweat and his hands shaking. With great effort, the young prince managed to hold his dinner down his throat.
The glow of the setting sun was dimming. The sky was darkening and the first stars of the night were peaking through. There was Jorion, the gem on the Ruto Crown. There was Lisia, the tip of the Great Hook. There was Virtus, the bright badge of courage on the great Warrior’s chest. His mother had taught him of the constellations. She had once told him that young Zora born when Virtus shines brightest would be destined for greatness. She had told him that he was born under Virtus.
Ralis reached up and tried to touch the star. He thought, for a moment, he could feel it’s energy pulsing in his hand, it’s warmth as soft as his mother’s touch. So familiar, like she was with him, watching him, speaking to him once more.
-
Ralis, my son, your people need you.
Am I fit to rule?
You have always been. Just believe in your own strengths.
I’m not strong enough.
You will be. I know you will be.
Mother, don’t leave. I need you.
I will always be here with you. Always in your heart.
Mother…
Be brave, Ralis. Be brave for me.
-
Ralis lowered his arm. He thought of his mother, of her love and her strength, of her confidence and her bravery. He thought too of the hero, of the earring and the reekfish, and his return to the Zora Domain after the hero had helped him. He thought of that brief meeting, by the royal Zora graves. He knew his mother must have been watching him that day.
-
“You’re the Zora prince, right?”
Ralis looked up at the hero, nodding slowly.
He smiled, knowingly. “You know, all the other Zora at the fountain are worried about you. They’re all waiting for you to return. The throne room always seems so sad when I go there.”
The prince wasn’t surprised by this news, but he was taken aback. He hadn’t thought much of his ascension to the throne. He was…afraid of the idea.
Perhaps the hero saw some of Ralis’s fear. “You know, it’s okay to be afraid.”
Ralis looked up, and the hero smiled.
“Taking the throne, you must feel like you could never do as well as your mother, right? Or is it that you feel lost without her?”
Ralis fidgeted nervously. The hero nodded comfortingly. “I’ve never been in your situation. I could never understand what you’re going through, but I can tell you this. I’ve experienced loss too. Maybe not to death, but to a fate almost as bad. I know it’s hard, but the thing is, nothing good can ever come from shrinking away from a challenge. So go back to your people okay? They need you.”
-
Ralis stood up, watching his people swim below him, looking up at the darkened sky. The sun had set, twilight had passed, his mother had moved on. But that was okay. Ralis was strong enough now, strong enough to rule, strong enough to make his mother proud.
No more lingering regrets.
Any and all critiques and suggestions are greatly appreciated, that includes suggestions on the title.
Rated PG13 for some slightly violent descriptions and imagery.
Sunset’s Prince
Twilight…they say it’s the only time when our world intersects with theirs…
The spirits of old, lingering in the red glow of the setting sun, always watching over the living that they miss so dearly. And the living, wishing so intensely that their beloved would one day return to embrace them once more, as the setting sun embraces the earth.
That is why loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight.
The young prince sighed.
Up upon the great cliffs surrounding the Zora’s Domain, one can see everything around the fountain. The glistening waterfalls, the ancient stone halls, the mossy rocks and dainty lily pads. It is truly the most beautiful place in all of Hyrule.
But it was also once the most terrifying.
The great red sun of twilight’s glow spread like blood across the surface of the water, surrounding the swimming Zoras, their playing turned to panicking and laughter turned to screams.
-
Ralis found himself in complete darkness, floating underwater in his favorite pond-bottom cavern. What light should have filtered from the surface was blocked, the water was stained dark crimson. The guards above the surface were shouting, screaming, howling in pain, their anguish distorted by the taint of the pond. Two guards swam up to the young prince, ushering him to the surface, half dragging him into the waterfall.
Ralis was confused. All about him Zoras were flailing, their screams barely audible past the rush of the waterfall. He thought he could see dark shadows on the ground, slithering about, and guards surrounding them, falling like toy soldiers. Ralis tried to ask what was going on, but the guards kept swimming up, up into the throne room, up to his mother.
When they surfaced, the screams became distant, but still sharp and painful. Scores of Zora throughout the room were in a frenzy, discussing critical matters in great hysteria. The queen was on her throne, head in her hands, guards trying to console her, advisors trying to calm the panic of the room.
The young prince was frightened now. He tried to speak up, but no one could hear him above anyone else. The guards that had escorted him ushered him to the throne, apparently unable to hear him either in their rush. The screams from the pond grew louder. Ralis began shivering in fright.
The queen looked up when she noticed the guards approaching. She looked to her son, her face full of motherly comfort, but Ralis could see great worry. He heard not of what she spoke to the guards of; he could only hear the screams, and he shivered harder.
Someone in the throne room screamed, and soon more shrieks joined in. The queen stood and gasped, the guards all spun towards the waterfall, spears and swords at the ready. Ralis turned to look. That image of that moment would haunt him forever since.
Four great black beasts with plated faces and monstrous tentacles creeped into the room, seemingly walking on top of the water. They had no eyes, no mouth, yet they seemed capable of making sounds, strange, low growls. The guards charged, impaling two on the spot, barely missing the third and fourth. They raised their spears, ready to lunge again, but the living monsters screamed. Ralis gripped his head in pain, watching with horror as the two fallen monsters climbed back to their feet, and lunged at the guards that had tried to kill them.
Blood. Blood everywhere. The air grew heavy with a thick, nauseating scent the young prince had never known existed. He could no longer see the beasts. He could no longer hear the screams. All he could hear was claws ripping into flesh. All he could see was blood.
The monsters lunged into the throne room, grabbing for the terrified prince. Ralis felt someone grab his hand, a familiar hand, pulling him out of the room. His mother gave him a comforting smile, and ran with him from the beasts, guards behind them offering their own bodies as shields. The queen glanced behind her, Ralis could hear the monsters gaining ground. Suddenly, his mother stopped him.
“Listen to me Ralis, I need you to do something for me. Something very important. Go to Hyrule Castle, go to the Hylians’ princess. Tell her that our home has been invaded, and request for her assistance. Do you understand?”
Ralis looked his mother in the eye. He saw she was frightened, but she was trying to look brave, for him. He nodded.
Rutela smiled. “Good boy. Now go. And remember Ralis, I love you.”
She motioned him to the waterfall, and he dived obediently. Just before he hit the water below, he thought he heard his mother scream.
He let the current take him. He didn’t even really notice the Zora around him, probably panicked about the throne room. He simply swam, unthinking, unfeeling, trying to unhear the screaming, to unsee the deaths. He just swam. Down the upper river, down the cavern streams, down the mountain rapids, down into the northern field creek. Ralis tumbled to the hard stone stairs of the artificial creek, barely registering that the creek was only half as full as it should have been.
The young prince was disoriented and confused. Some of his scales were still covered in bloody slime from the Zora fountain. Ralis climbed groggily to the grassy field, dizzy from the smell of death and the rough ride of the rapids. He felt his stomach heave, he wanted to scream, to cry, to be back in his mother’s arms, but she had given him a job, and he had to finish it.
Ralis didn’t know how far he walked before everything went black.
-
Laugher reverberated around the fountain as the prince jerked back to reality. His forehead was beaded with sweat and his hands shaking. With great effort, the young prince managed to hold his dinner down his throat.
The glow of the setting sun was dimming. The sky was darkening and the first stars of the night were peaking through. There was Jorion, the gem on the Ruto Crown. There was Lisia, the tip of the Great Hook. There was Virtus, the bright badge of courage on the great Warrior’s chest. His mother had taught him of the constellations. She had once told him that young Zora born when Virtus shines brightest would be destined for greatness. She had told him that he was born under Virtus.
Ralis reached up and tried to touch the star. He thought, for a moment, he could feel it’s energy pulsing in his hand, it’s warmth as soft as his mother’s touch. So familiar, like she was with him, watching him, speaking to him once more.
-
Ralis, my son, your people need you.
Am I fit to rule?
You have always been. Just believe in your own strengths.
I’m not strong enough.
You will be. I know you will be.
Mother, don’t leave. I need you.
I will always be here with you. Always in your heart.
Mother…
Be brave, Ralis. Be brave for me.
-
Ralis lowered his arm. He thought of his mother, of her love and her strength, of her confidence and her bravery. He thought too of the hero, of the earring and the reekfish, and his return to the Zora Domain after the hero had helped him. He thought of that brief meeting, by the royal Zora graves. He knew his mother must have been watching him that day.
-
“You’re the Zora prince, right?”
Ralis looked up at the hero, nodding slowly.
He smiled, knowingly. “You know, all the other Zora at the fountain are worried about you. They’re all waiting for you to return. The throne room always seems so sad when I go there.”
The prince wasn’t surprised by this news, but he was taken aback. He hadn’t thought much of his ascension to the throne. He was…afraid of the idea.
Perhaps the hero saw some of Ralis’s fear. “You know, it’s okay to be afraid.”
Ralis looked up, and the hero smiled.
“Taking the throne, you must feel like you could never do as well as your mother, right? Or is it that you feel lost without her?”
Ralis fidgeted nervously. The hero nodded comfortingly. “I’ve never been in your situation. I could never understand what you’re going through, but I can tell you this. I’ve experienced loss too. Maybe not to death, but to a fate almost as bad. I know it’s hard, but the thing is, nothing good can ever come from shrinking away from a challenge. So go back to your people okay? They need you.”
-
Ralis stood up, watching his people swim below him, looking up at the darkened sky. The sun had set, twilight had passed, his mother had moved on. But that was okay. Ralis was strong enough now, strong enough to rule, strong enough to make his mother proud.
No more lingering regrets.
