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Mellow Ezlo attempts that writing thing...

Mellow Ezlo

I am thou, thou art I
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Hi. I'm not much of a writer, but I've had a set of characters and some interesting storylines floating around in my head for a few years that I've decided to finally try attempting to put into words.

My writing in the past has been rather unimpressive, so I've written out the first little bit of what will hopefully be the first chapter of a long narrative. I am seeking critiques; is it an effective intro? What can I do better before I begin seriously getting into the story? Is this whole writing thing totally not for me? Please let me know!

Anyway, here is what I wrote in about an hour while sleep deprived:
Knock knock

“Tyson, it’s time to wake up, sweetie!” a woman’s voice said excitedly.

Tyson Graves awoke with a start.

“Your dad is making pancakes and I think they’re gonna be ready soon.”

Tyson sleepily reached over for his phone and checked the time. 8:30am. Too early he thought, before clumsily stumbling out of bed, putting on the red glasses he had resting on his bedside table, and sliding on the quickest clothes he could find - a blue World of Warcraft T-Shirt and a pair of baggy fleece pants. He opened his bedroom door to the sweet aroma of banana pancakes creeping up the stairs and walked lazily to the bathroom across the hall to brush his small, slightly crooked teeth.

By 8:41, Tyson was walking down the stairs with the incredible smell getting stronger and stronger. “Happy birthday, kiddo!” his father, Kevin, said as he entered the kitchen. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Tyson said weakly. In reality, he had stayed up reading the latest entry in the Flames of Darkness fantasy novel series until well past midnight.

“Great!” Kevin said. “Breakfast will be ready in about 2 minutes. Mom’s just upstairs on the phone, wanna go let her know for me?”

“Sure Dad,” Tyson replied. He returned upstairs and went towards his parents’ bedroom, which was beside his, and peered through the open door.

“Yes, 5 o’clock, two adults and two kids,” he heard his mother say. “We’ll be bringing a cake as well… Put it under Sarah Graves please… Yes, thank you very much… Buh-bye.”

“Breakfast is ready,” Tyson said to her as she hung up the phone.

“Oh, OK, thanks hon. I’ll be down in a minute, just have to make one more quick call.”

Tyson went back to the kitchen to see his father preparing place settings on the table. His parents were not usually very formal when it came to meal preparation - it was typically a grab-a-plate-and-sit kind of situation - but they always liked to be a bit more festive and proper when it came to birthdays and other special occasions. Kevin also rarely prepared meals, since Sarah was such an amazing cook. It was tradition in the family, however, for Kevin to make breakfast on Tyson’s birthday. Tyson and his father had a tremendously close bond so it meant a lot to Kevin to be able to do this every year.

Sarah came downstairs, wearing a purple nightgown with her elbow-length dirty blonde hair tied up in a ponytail. “Something smells amazing,” she said with a smile on her face.

“Hopefully they live up to Mrs. Ramsay’s standards,” Kevin playfully replied, looking at Sarah with a grin. Sarah had a tendency to be critical of other people’s cooking - two semesters of culinary school can do that to you.

“Yeah yeah,” she said sarcastically, turning towards Tyson. “Happy birthday, my boy!” She wrapped her arms around him in a deep embrace. “Can’t believe you’re already twelve.”

Tyson thanked her and took a seat at the table.

“By the way, hon,” she said to Kevin. “Remind me to change the reservation, Jeremy’s bringing his little sister along.” She and Kevin exchanged concerned looks. “They should be here around 10.”

“Will do,” Kevin replied. He finished serving the pancakes, the smell of banana overwhelming the air in the kitchen, and the three of them ate joyfully.

After breakfast, Tyson went up to his room to change into a red polo and blue jeans in preparation of Jeremy’s arrival. Jeremy was Tyson’s best friend, and one of the few that he had. They had met in fourth grade, after Tyson had been pushed onto the ground by one of the fifth graders. Jeremy was a new student at the school and had seen the incident happen. He hadn’t made any friends himself yet and saw a boy in distress, so he approached the boy and asked if he was ok. Tyson invited Jeremy to his house that day and they had been nearly inseparable ever since.

Ding dong, ding dong the doorbell chimed. “I’ll get it!” Tyson yelled as he ran down the stairs. He opened the door to see a young boy, slightly taller than himself, standing with a young girl of about nine. They both had light brown hair and deep green eyes. “Hey Jerry!”

“Sup,” said Jeremy. “Happy birthday Ty!”

“Thanks!”

“Hope it’s alright that I brought Riley with me, my parents were fighting again this morning and my mom thought it best that she come along.”

“No problem,” Tyson said.
This is roughly a quarter of what I have planned for the first chapter. Essentially, I have plans for a few different stories, chronicling Tyson's life as he goes through middle and high school, but who knows if I'll even finish one.

In any case, please let me know what you think and provide constructive feedback!
 
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Mikey the Moblin

I just miss him so much man
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As someone who has developed a frustratingly intuitive understanding of English grammar over time, my advice is to read a ton, and of different writing styles, genres, and authors at that

I can't critique the subject matter itself too much since it's a wip obviously and also strikes me as geared toward younger audiences

One of my biggest struggles when writing is forcing myself to not take shortcuts. By shortcuts I mean like skipping any dialogue that might have happened over breakfast. Just slow it down a bit and take your time to really see what's happening in your minds eye before telling

Hope you find this helpful. If you don't you can just ignore it
 

Mamono101

生きることは痛みを知ること。
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I think it’s pretty decent for an opener, but that does also depend on who you’re intending the audience to be. I agree with Mikey that the overall tone feels like it’s for a younger audience, and if that is your goal, then the opening is definitely decent. I also think the overall concept sounds good, though if it’s all going to be one story you might need to find some sort of motif or overarching theme to tie the chapters together if they’re just chronicling certain adventures in these characters’ lives.

Also, something that I’ve always found helps is to just write and not worry too much about how it’s initially forming. Get the words on the page. Even if you think it sucks. You can always go back and refine it later.

My other main piece of advice might be to avoid pop culture references unless they’re something seriously entrenched in the collective conscious, because there’s no faster way to date a story than for of the time, out of date references to be there
 

Mikey the Moblin

I just miss him so much man
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My other main piece of advice might be to avoid pop culture references unless they’re something seriously entrenched in the collective conscious, because there’s no faster way to date a story than for of the time, out of date references to be there
unless you specifically want to emphasize a time period like whatever year world of warcraft was relevant lol
 

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