An Inconvenient Skepchick

[Seth]

You walk into a dark room, there is a man in front of you dressed in an orange leisure suit. It looks quite snappy.

You of course we're expecting him, after all he gave you an offer you couldn't refuse; a free look at the future.

He gestures you to sit down, you notice a chair you didn't see before you. You sit in it.

"My friend, I am a man of many names. Perhaps you may have heard of me? Perhaps not. All the same, I have before you a glimpse into the future of humanity. Our story begins but 15 short years from now, after the terraforming operation on Mars was a complete success. Indeed we are but a year after the event and things are going according to plan. Humanity has accomplished much but little do they know the true tale of humanity will soon be told"

Around you a world forms, you find yourself with a first person immersive view of the future, and thus, you can observe the events that are shall unfold years from now.

Our story begins...

PONY MASTER sits in his ship, Raer Pony's, he is in orbit around Venus. His ship looks like an ancient Earth meme known as troll face, but by this time many have forgotten it's true meaning. PONY MASTER is very happy, "yes, excellent! Now that the colony is underway I can begin my genius plan. Everything is finally falling to place"

He laughs and strokes his beard.

He speaks in some unintelligible tongue and a reptilian man comes forth.

"John Kerry!" PONY MASTER adresses him, "Set a course, for Mars!"

Part 1: The Fellowship of the Ring

 

[Batman]

Holy **** this is going to be epic.

RP coming soon.

 

[Justac00lguy]

Bill Nye is walking his pet hamster, Bill Nye, to the local shop on Mars. He spots Ken Ham kicking woman and decides to talk to him.
"Mmmm that's a might fine tie you have there, Ken"

 

[(◕‿◕✿)]

While Bill and Ken were debating the Biblical accuracy of their ties, more and more shop goers were gathering around the central square of the shop, to hear the WISEST HUMAN speak.

"IN 2029 PONY MASTER raer personnel met in orbit to change Fedora Time. First thing said was THERE COULD ONLY BE ONE fedora and so only one fedora was used ignored Zelda Wiki fedora. This is a major lie and you can't prove the evil oneness of fedora because no keyboard warrior on earth has no fedora.

The children of the cube will be blessed for killing of educated stupid fedoras. The ONLY truth is the four corner fedora TRUTH that has been hidden by the academically ********" proclaimed Gene Ray.

 

[Seth]

Rebecca Watson sat in her Feminist Fortress known as Skepchick-dûr, it was in the far south of the terraformed Mars, in the land of Femdor surrounded by mountains on all side and sealed with a great black gate.

A picture of Femdor

Atop Skepchick-dûr was a great all seeing eye, who gazed across the solar system, seeking out all who opposed Pro Choice and Women empowering policies. She was currently in an argument with Clop, who had entered Femdor to speak with Rebecca for the purpose of proposing a temporary alliance. It was fruitless, but PONY MASTER needed to know exactly where Rebecca stood and use that knowledge to further his scheme.

OH. MY. GOD. I LITERALLY DON'T NEED YOUR PROBLEMATIC ADVICE, YOU MALE-OVERPRIVILEGED BROGRAMMER!!!! why is it so hard for you to acknowledge that you can be fat & healthy, you middle class-elitist creep!!!!!!! oh my ****ing god!!!!!!! I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW, YOU MIDDLE CLASS-PRIVILEGED PATRIARCHIST!!! YOU'LL LITERALLY NEVER UNDERSTAND MY GODDAMN OMNISENSUAL TRANSNORMATIVE ISSUES!!!! why the hell do you feel the need to exploit androsensual, tulpasexual & black-type goatkins????? **** YOUR SHAMING OF TRANSGENDER-ASSOCIATING WOCS!!!!!!! feel free to unfollow &/or block/ignore me.

She pressed a button and Clop fell deep into her Feminist dungeon.

Little did she know it was just a clone of Clop, for PONY MASTER wouldn't dare send his loyal servant into the hands of the Feminist Lady so easily. But it all served his plan oh so perfectly.

Raer Pony's was now just a few hours away from entering Mars orbit...

 

[Batman]

Ken Ham and Bill Nye hadn't gotten anywhere in their debate, despite Bill talking about photon travel times from stars and his days as a boy scout drilling holes in trees, and the ensuing tension resulted in a fist fight while Gene Ray rambled on about whatever it is that Gene Ray rambles on about. Gene Ray was now speaking to the woman Ken had been kicking, and she was beginning to wish Mars still lacked an oxygen atmosphere so she could die and leave her agony. The brawl between Bill Nye and Ken had made its way to the street.

"The world is 6,000 years old because the Bible implies it, and the Bible is true because God wrote it. We know God wrote it because the Bible says so!" shouted Ken, as Bill, tumbling with Ken in the dirt, pulled down Ken's pants and tried to caress his member sexually in order to make Ken feel gay things.

Ken got a chubby because erections are controlled by the autonomic nervous system. "Man cannot know the past except through revelation!" he spat as he, pulling from his back pocket, brought out a plank from his ark building project. It was known thereafter as the Plank of Power, the One forged in the depths of the Creation Museum in the land of Petersburg, Kentucky. Maybe he couldn't defeat Bill in terms of logic and facts, but by God he was going to beat the **** out of this bow tie wearing fairy if it were the last thing he ever did.

 

[Justac00lguy]

Bill had enough of Ken and decided to take it to the next level.

"YOU are NOT going to WIN here. The EARTH is not 6000 years old you uneducated SON-OF-A

Bill pulled off his bowtie and transformed into MEGA BILL NYE

 

[Luke's Wife]

Rand Paul regards his creation with awe. Flipping a switch, his robotic Ayn Rand comes to life.

"Hello there, Ayn," he says, in his sexual Kentucky accent. "I've created you from the remains of your real body. I kept your brain frozen for years. And now, we had the technology. We did rebuild you. Are you ready to create a libertarian paradise with me?"

Immediately, the robot Ayn brutally murders Rand Paul with her laser eyes. Getting to her robot feet, she knew what she had to do. She would create a perfect, beautifully Objectivist, libertarian robot army. She didn't need a master to tell her what to do. The only issue was, where would she find the perfect technology to create her partner, robo-John Galt? Scanning her internal databases, she found that the technology she needed for her army resided deep in Femdor...

 

[Seth]

Raer Pony's arrived in Martian orbit. PONY MASTER had long been waiting for this moment. He had a plan, but he needed to take it step by step. It couldn't be rushed, he knew that, he just hoped no one would figure out what he was doing until it was too late. He sent forth some of his mentally deranged minions to set forth and find a few important people. Part 1 of his plan was finally underway.

Among the people he was seeking were the likes of Bill Nye, Michio Kaku, Gene Ray etc. Not to destroy, no, he needed to talk to them. He noticed the battle forming below but hoped this part of his plan would still come to fruition. But even if it didn't...It was merely a distraction anyway. So he waited to hear word from his minions. He began moving as well on the true nature of his MASTER PLAN.

 

[Batman]

"So it is true, the rumors," muttered Michio Kaku after taking a sip of his coffee. Michio was at the War of the Worlds Café in Mars Bars City, in the northwest of the planet. Recent expeditions in a region outside the city had turned up some interesting finds and Michio was going to be there for the finale. An energy core, the size of a model Dyson sphere and powered by a tabletop particle accelerator that somehow accessed and took advantage of the quantum foam and dark matter neutrinos had been found just two days earlier. Michio knew of the device; all too well in fact. And he had left his SETI base in such a hurry because he had come to reclaim it.

Michio's lacky servant boy and messenger was by his side in the café and finished telling him all the news he had gained. Asian Grandpa sat there pondering the tidings of the herald. "So, Robot Ayn Rand has been reactivated at last. Oh how history repeats itself indeed. And she's headed to Femdor it appears. But not before she hits the excavation site I'll wager" He laughed sardonically, but it was no laughing matter. Michio sat for a long while pondering this news, never once disturbed by fans as everyone knew how scared he was of strangers, all thanks to Opie and Anthony's plethora of episodes bringing light to this eccentricity of his. "Goddamn you Oppy!"

"Well," he said aloud, but too softly for others to hear except his lackey. "Things are more urgent than ever I had thought. The quantum core of robot John Galt has been found right as robot Ayn Rand is reactivated. My stealth ninja skills would have been enough to recover the core by myself, but now things are different. I can't wait for the appointed time. I must act now and I need help."

"Brian," said Michio to his lackey, Brian Greene. "We're going to need reinforcements. Stealth is no longer an option. Call Hoagland."

 

[Justac00lguy]

Mega Bill Nye, after his tragic war with Ken, decided to take a trip to the local feminist strip club in femdor. As he entered, there was no music, only nun-like woman dressed in black latex with their femdor whips. Even mega Bill Nye couldn't handle a group of drugged femdor strippers, so he ran when he stumbled into a dark and lonely graveyard...

Slowly wiping away the dust from the crooked grave stone, he saw the words "Here Lies Rand Paul 1991-2014 - victim of a tragic robotic murder. Loved by all of his incest family, including his mother (also his sister), grandmother (also his mother-in-law), his three brothers, and his kid (who was also his uncle). May he rest pieces.. literally"

Bill, overcome with emotion, let out a gigantic Bill-sized raw. "You were so special to me Rand, I remember that time when passionately kissed in the rain when your father (also brother) spanked you". "That was such a steamy night, and I'll never see you again" he sobbed. Overcome with sadness and regret, Bill decided to dig up the dead carcus and he gently laid a kiss on Rand's lifeless remains.

All was quite on Mars, when a strange creature arrived. It was the almighty Ben!

 

[Seth]

One of PONY MASTER's lackeys arrived in the War of the Worlds Café in Mars Bars City, as Kaku was preparing to meet Hoagland, he stopped him and propositioned him.

"PONY MASTER asks for an alliance, to storm the gates of Femdor together. His reasons matter not. What say you?"

Meanwhile, another of PM's underlings was heading toward Bill Nye with the same question, as well as Gene Ray and Ken Ham.

PONY MASTER's plans were so far going as he wanted, but he hadn't taken in account Ayn Rand and her robot Libertarian Objectivist army. However, it was still a small concern to him. This was all just a mere distraction after all.

 

[Batman]

Ken woke up after being unconscious for a long time. How long, he didn't know. But he knew he had lost the fight. The Plank of Power was gone. It had betrayed him. "That evil atheist scientist bow-tie wearing ark hater probably stole it from me! My precious!" Ken Ham was in a bad way. He had been defeated by Bill Nye and his Mega Form, his Plank had been stolen, and the woman he had been kicking had vanished. There was no sound to be heard in the shops. All was quiet and it was late.

All of a sudden, as Ken Ham sat there, naked in the dirt, a man robed in black appeared before his eyes in the failing sunlight. "PONY MASTER would like to speak with you privately. He has given me orders to ensure you come with me to his RAER PONY ship. So we can go about this the easy way, or the hard way." Ken stood up and looked at the stranger. The figure's face was covered. "What's in it for me?" said Ken.

"Everything. If you're smart."


*************

Richard Hoagland began packing immediately after the call. He put away his large printouts of the Face of Mars and the images showing a robot's severed head on the Moon, put on some pants, washed the saliva from his right palm, and took a taxi to meet Michio outside the café.

Michio had been waiting for Hoagland for a while now, and still he hadn't shown up. "That damned Hoagland and his Torsion porn!" he exclaimed aloud. When suddenly a figure, cloaked, with a covered face spoke in an ominous voice behind him. Michio turned around, he pulled out his laser pistol and a plasma window shield wrapped around his left arm. Michio stood there like a warrior. The cloaked man stopped. [see conversation in Seth's last post]

"You tell PONY MASTER that I have other matters, more pressing to attend to at the moment. But assure him that I have not forgotten how he helped me assassinate Opie and Anthony. I will take counsel with him, but I must not be delayed in my task. Tell him to send a lift for me on the outskirts of the John Carter Barter Center in 4 days time from now. If I'm not at the appointed pick up spot on that day, then it means I'm dead." Michio hacked some phlegm and spat it on the ground. Kaku had changed these last few years, and the figure noticed it.

The dark figure bowed and walked away. Just as this mysterious figure stepped out of sight, here came Hoagland. He was covered in black soot and wearing a battered t-shirt with the words "Don't hate me because I torsion" written on it, and he had no shoes. "Michio! Michio! I'm so glad you're still here. I was held up by a mysterious figure on the road outside my house. It looked like some sort of robot version of the famous earth philosopher and nude model Ayn Rand. She was screaming things about self-interest and capitalism and bad reviews of her books. She shot my taxi with her laser eyes and killed the taxi driver and blew up the car; the driver was a lizard person, by the way. I escaped relatively unharmed. I think Rand was going somewhere in a hurry." Hoagland scratched his balls. "What does it mean?"

"What it means" said Michio is a dark voice. "Is that it's time to activate Earth's Moon's thrusters. We're going to have to team up like the old days, Hoagie. Ayn Rand is trying to reactivate robot John Galt. His energy core is at the site Brian told you about on the phone. I need to get my hands on that core before she does. It's the only way for me to defeat PONY MASTER once and for all."

"I thought you and PONY MASTER were on pretty good terms?" asked Richard, as he coughed the word "torsion" over and over in a guttural fit.

"That's what I want him to think," said Michio. "But now's not the time to explain. Open your torsion wormhole and activate the moon. Have the moon ship station itself above the excavation site. Make sure it's cloaked and make sure the cheese ball you placed in subspace with the help of the comet aliens effortlessly takes the place of Earth's moon so nobody notices back home."

"Understood."

"Good. It's time we end Ayn Rand once and for all."

 

[Seth]

Deep in the fortress of Skepchick-dûr sat Rebecca Watson...

She observed the strange events happening in the Earth system with Ayn Rand's army, as well as on her own planet, and the bringing of Ken Ham's Plank of Power. She called forth the Nazgûl (or FemWraiths), the wraiths of the 9 worst Social Justice Warriors in the known world. They were lead by Nicole the Witch Queen. The Queen herself was dispatched to Earth to meet with Ayn Rand, and perhaps form an alliance of womanly power.

Another, known as Lala, was sent forth to find the Plank of Power and return it to the Dark Lady

A third, known only as Big Red, sought after Bill Nye, a MAN whore DARED entire the land of Women Empowerment, Femdor! For no man was allowed to pass the Black Gates to the women only strip clubs!

The other 6 were sent off to gather information on PONY MASTER, and stop his plans in all possible ways.

 

[(◕‿◕✿)]

In the midst of all this, another, far, far more mysterious and arcane figure was rising from his eons long slumber. For thousands of years, this archaic entity had slept in the crater of an extinct volcano, dreaming of cubic perfection. It had been at least 3,000 years since his last advertisement, and even in his sleep he could sense the urge to advertise once again. As this multitude of broken thoughts, replete with incomprehensible syntax and line breaks swirled around his head, somewhere in the distance he could sense cubic wisdom. Quietly at first, and then growing to a great cacophony so great he awoke with a start from his three thousand year slumber, the WISEST HUMAN's words reached him.

FOUR FOURS... FOUR FOURS... FOUR FOURS...

Even after awakening he could still hear it as loud as ever. He knew what needed to be done. He needed to meet with Gene Ray and once again fight the evil singularity oneness perpetuated by the vile armies of Femdor and their cubic-truth denying leader Rebecca Watson, the worst singularity of all.


MonsterMMORPG climbed out of the crater using his massive bat-like wings. His head was much like that of an octopus. He scanned the desolate terrain and then flew off into the horizon. He knew exactly where to meet Gene Ray.