General Art A New Dawn (One Piece Fanfic)

[Azure Sage]

Very nice work! You made a few slight spelling and gramatical errors, but great overall!

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

Very nice work! You made a few slight spelling and grammatical errors, but great overall!

haha thanks dude! I never even saw the spelling mistakes XD. Well whatever I'm glad you like it. It is my best chapter so far ^^

 

[Nicole]

Let me see... I have a few pokes here. Like Charge said, this fic has a lot of potential. I think this can go somewhere great. I'll just break up Chapter 2 and use that for my examples.


1. Try spacing out your paragraphs. Whenever you start a new paragraph, I suggest adding spaces like so:

Once the barrel was on the ship the voices Luffy and I heard were more clear. The voices sounded like middle aged men. They were low but strong. They sounded like Shanks's crew members. But Luffy and I haven't seen Captain Shanks in years. So It must just be more pirates. Then one voice said "Wow this barrel is heavy! What do you think is in it?" then another voice said "I say rum. Madam Aroma will be pleased just like the rest of the crew. I'll go get something to open it. You two stay here I might be a bit." he leaves.
I look at Luffy and whisper "What are we gonna do? Those pirates out there seem really mean!" Before I could go on Luffy broke open the barrel.

We both get up and look around. I see three men that are very scary looking. They were heading right for us. So like I would always do at a time like this, I took out my very large scythe. Then I look around and I see what looks like a chore boy. He was not very tall and his hair was pink. He had large round glasses and a high squeaky voice. I walk over to him. For some reason he look scared of me. At first I didn't know why but then I realized that I still had my scythe out. So I put it away and said "Hi there. I'm Ammy nice to meet you." I smiled. Then the chore boy said "H..hi I'm Toby..." he still looked scared.

Then I turn and look at Luffy. I see he didn't get a scratch on him but the other three pirates were knocked out on the ground. Then Luffy comes over. "Hey there. Toby was it?" Luffy said has if he knew Toby all his life. "I'm Luffy. I see you met my friend Ammy." Toby turns to Luffy and says "H..Hi Luffy... what brings you guys out here?

This way, it's easier on the readers' eyes. Now, with the spaces, it may seem a bit short. This is when you can add in some details about what's going on. Describe the scene to the readers. Make us feel like we're in the story!


2. Keep it in the same tense. You tend to switch between past and present tense. Decide when you're telling the story, and stay consistent. If you're telling the story in present tense, here's something of what it should look like:

Once the barrel was on the ship the voices Luffy and I heard were more clear. The voices sounded (sounded should be sound) like middle aged men. They were (were should be are) low but strong. They sounded (again, sounded should be sound) like Shanks's crew members. But Luffy and I haven't seen Captain Shanks in years. So It must just be more pirates. Then one voice says, "Wow this barrel is heavy! What do you think is in it?" then another voice says "I say rum. Madam Aroma will be pleased just like the rest of the crew. I'll go get something to open it. You two stay here I might be a bit." he leaves.

This way, the readers are sure of the time the story takes place. Otherwise, they may think it already happened, but present tense means it is happening in the present.


3. Watch your grammar. I hope I don't sound picky here. I don't mean to. But it is easier for people to get involved in a story that uses proper grammar. Let me just show you a few examples:

Once the barrel was on the ship the voices Luffy and I heard were more clear.

This sentence is a bit long, and needs a comma after "ship." That way, the reader knows when to pause. Also, "clearer" is a word. ^^ In the end, it might look something like this:

Once the barrel was on the ship, the voices Luffy and I heard were clearer.

4. Watch repetitive words. Again, I might be nitpicking here, but as a good writer, it is imperative that you mix up your wording. Readers love to hear a mix of words, rather than using the same word in every sentence:

Then one voice said "Wow this barrel is heavy! What do you think is in it?" then another voice said "I say rum. Madam Aroma will be pleased just like the rest of the crew. I'll go get something to open it. You two stay here I might be a bit." he leaves.

In these few sentences, you use the word (or form of the word) "said" three times. Another way to get the same message across while mixing up your vocabulary is something like this:

Then one voice starts, "Wow this barrel is heavy! What do you think is in it?" The other voice replies, "I believe rum. Madam Aroma will be pleased, just like the rest of the crew. I'll go get something to open it. You two stay here. I might be a bit." He leaves.

Another possibility:

"Wow this barrel is heavy!" one voice exclaims. "What do you think is in it?"

"I say rum. Madam Aroma will be pleased, just like the rest of the crew. I'll go get something to open it. You two stay here. I might be a bit," another replies as he scurries away.

I really enjoy your ideas. I hope I don't sound mean. I just want to help you improve, because you have so much obvious talent. I hope you keep writing! You can only get better and better.

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

Thanks for the tips everyone. I plan on having shorter chapters until I get my computer back. After all I am working on a cell phone.

 

[Luigidude64]

Are you taking sign-ups?

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

Are you taking sign-ups?

not for this one but I'm making a new and better one that will have sign ups

 

[Luigidude64]

YAY! tell me when its out okay?

 

[AllieHaxorNova]

YAY! tell me when its out okay?

Don't worry I'll make sure your the first to know! Besides for a while I was thinking of making a new one anyways.