General Art Stand-Up Comedy

[Link Floyd]

Well...I've been writing this story called 'Stand-Up Comedy' since spring of 2014...and I finished it a few months ago and I think it's time that it makes it's debut online! (Even though I posted a few chapters on Tumblr..soo I guess it's not really a debut...) Anyways, I would like some feedback since this is the first story I've ever completed so let me know what you guys think and if you like it, I'll continue posting! Thanks.


“Alright! Sit down!” Mrs. Rosenburg yelled at the mass of students gathered in the center of the classroom conversing.
“I said sit down!” she yelled again. She would repeat this at least three times every day. Finally, the students went to their desks. The agony of knowing they would be in class with her for an hour gnawed at their souls.
“Okay, today we will be presenting our projects about famous figures throughout American history.” Mrs. Rosenburg said, beginning to drone on about how America is so great.
“The first student who will present is…” Mrs. Rosenburg said, drawing a tiny slip of paper out of a little hat.
“Felix! Get on up here! Felix?”
Mrs. Rosenburg looked to where her most infamous student usually sat, but the seat was empty. “Does anybody know where Felix is?” she asked.
Suddenly, bursting through the door was a teenage boy about 5”6. His eyes were inviting yet dark and deceiving, covered by thick glasses. He was wearing a red cap that said ‘SWAG’ on the side.
“Hello, you finally decided to join us. What’s your excuse for being late this time?” Mrs. Rosenburg said to him.
“Well, I had my hat on, and some teacher just stopped me and told me to take it off but then I told her that it’s stupid to have a rule banning hats and then she wrote me up for detention.” Felix explained sincerely.
“It’s not stupid. We as the students and staff of Maybury High School have to uphold traditional values for the safety of our community.” Mrs. Rosenburg informed; her slight country accent showing in the process.
“How is wearing a hat unsafe?” Felix asked.
“Okay, I don’t wanna hear another word about it. You need to present your project. Remember, this isn’t stand-up comedy! Also, you need to shave that thing growing on your face; having a beard is also against our policies, if you didn’t know already.” Mrs. Rosenburg responded.
Felix let out a heavy sigh and walked to the front of the room, turning on the computer and going to PowerPoint. The class giggled and joked as the computer loaded.
“God, he’s so annoying. I wish he could get kicked out or something already,” one girl said to her friend with a sigh. There was one particular student who sat behind Felix’s desk who begged to differ. She turned to a boy named Deven sitting next to her and said, “He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”
“Word.” Deven said to the girl, Hope, whose face was a fiery shade of red. An image appeared on the screen from the projector of Martin Luther King Jr.
“I did my project on Mr. King,” Felix began, when suddenly he was hit in the chin by a paper airplane. One particularly weird student named Jeremy shouted, “HOMO!” as the whole class laughed; the ones who were awake, of course.
“Shut up! I’m not in the mood today!” Mrs. Rosenburg yelled. “Go on Felix.”
He cleared his throat and continued. He read the next slide. “Martin Luther King was an important Civil Rights leader,”
Oh, he’s so intelligent and witty!” Hope whispered to Deven.
Felix switched to the next slide which had a picture of a black dog fighting a white dog.
“What kind of picture is this?” Mrs. Rosenburg asked, scribbling notes on a clipboard.
“I typed black versus white into Google and this is what popped up,” Felix explained.
“Well, it isn’t appropriate for class! What does it have to do with Civil Rights?!” Mrs. Rosenburg began to yell. Felix gave her that cheeky grin of his.
“Well, I thought,” Felix began but was interrupted by the fuming Mrs. Rosenburg.
“You thought NOTHING!” she screeched, slamming her hands on her desk and standing up, preparing for battle.
“Now listen up!” she said to him, when suddenly a loud roar from a plane from the airport next door took off over head. You couldn’t hear anything else. Mrs. Rosenburg stood, hands on her hips, rolling her eyes, waiting. She waited for almost five minutes, and the noise finally stopped.
“Now get out of my classroom!” she commanded, like a drill sergeant. Felix began walking away. When he got to the door he announced, “When I’m in the detention room, everybody protest outside holding ‘Free Felix’ posters.”
“Wait!” Hope shouted as Felix turned the door knob.
“Hope, please sit down in your seat.” Mrs. Rosenburg said, sounding the most polite she has sounded all day.
“Can I present my project now? For the whole class? Including Felix?” Hope asked, blushing. Mrs. Rosenburg paused and then said, “Alright, fine. Felix, sit at my desk. Everybody else wake up!”
Mrs. Rosenburg walked over to Jeremy, who had fallen asleep.
“What is that?” she said, noticing something orange sticking out of his mouth.
“A Cheeto?!” she yelled, slapping Jeremy to wake him up. He groaned slightly, stretching is arms.
“You’re not allowed to have food in class!” she screeched at him.
“What? Do Cheetos threaten the safety of our student body?” Jeremy said.
“He has a point,” Felix quipped.
“I don’t need your input,” Mrs. Rosenburg said.
“Mrs. Rosenburg, do you need a hug?” Felix asked in a nice, sincere tone.
“Don’t even touch me,” she answered, with a look of disgust on her face. “Okay, Hope. Go ahead and show us this masterpiece of yours.”
Hope turned on the projector and a slide that said ‘My American Hero by Hope Sandabald’ appeared on the screen.
“Hi, I’m Hope Sandabald and this is my project on a true, American hero.” She announced, with a giggle. She clicked to the next slide and a picture of Felix appeared on the screen. The entire class shouted “Ew!” with a few vomiting noises in the background as well.
“Felix,” Hope said, turning to him as she clicked the next slide. She pointed at the screen and read what it said.
“Will you go to prom with me?”
A few girls thought it was sweet, but for the most part everyone was dumbfounded. Felix stood in silence, tilting his head to the side and laughing a little. The rest of the class began chattering.
“HOMO!” Jeremy shouted again. Mrs. Rosenburg put her index finger on her lips and tried to calm the rambunctious class.
“Get out of here, Felix!” Mrs. Rosenburg yelled, shooing him out.
Suddenly, there was a huge crash. It seemed to come from the other side of the school building. The principal came on the announcements.
“Emergency! Everyone evacuate the building! A plane has just crashed into the science wing! Exit the building immediately!” he exclaimed. All the students were thrown into a panic as Mrs. Rosenburg tried to escort everyone out of the room and out of the building.
“Hurry!” she yelled.
Everyone had exited the building. They stood outside, watching the school burst into flames.
Felix turned to Mrs. Rosenburg, who was completely devastated, and said, “Now that was a threat to our safety.”
Deven chuckled. “Word.”

 

[Swordbomb]

I'm going to obliterated for putting my own opinion here, right? No? Ok.

Honestly, This is actually pretty amazing so far.
Keep up the good work!

 

[Link Floyd]

Here's part 2 of Stand-Up Comedy! The series starts out pretty random...an actual plot doesn't come in for another...4 or 5 parts? I can't remember, I just enjoy writing these stories as they're based off of some pretty interesting people that I know. Hope you guys enjoy and keep reading and giving feedback! It's much appreciated.

~Stand-Up Comedy Pt.2~
Don’t Stop Mid-Step!

“Today we are going to work on typing our articles on an American President!” Mrs. Rosenburg announced, with excitement glowing on her face. “Everyone walk down to the computer lab in a single-file line! And I mean it! Single-file!”
The hallway was dark because of a brewing storm. Crappy lights that haven’t been changed in decades in the ceiling in a stuffy old school won’t do much to help. The students chattered and grew alarmed when the rumble of thunder shook the floor.
“Guys! Hush! There are classes going on right now!” Mrs. Rosenburg said.
Suddenly, there was a noise that sounded like a fart. “Oops,” Jeremy, an odd fellow with tiny Mohawk, laughed.
“Who did that?” Mrs. Rosenburg yelled, stopping the single-file line right before the computer lab door. There were a few seconds of mindless giggling.
“Felix did it!” Jeremy shouted. Mrs. Rosenburg sighed and walked over to where Felix stood in the line. He had headphones on, blaring some kind of techno music.
“Hey!” she yelled at him, but he didn’t hear.
“Hey!” she repeated. Felix turned to see her fiery face and jumped out of surprise.
“Take those headphones off! I’m speaking to you!” she screeched.
“Well, I’m not listening.” Felix replied. Mrs. Rosenburg groaned; similar to how a dragon would when it’s about to kill its prey by flamethrower.
“Give me those,” Mrs. Rosenburg demanded, pointing at Felix’s headphones. He shook his head.
“But I’m listening to dub-step! Don’t stop me mid-step!” he said.
“That’s it; I’m writing you up for detention.” she decided. Felix rolled his eyes carelessly and put his headphones back on. He knew that her threats were futile.
“He’s so cool. He’s like one of those greasers from the ‘50’s.” Hope, a lovesick school girl, whispered to her friend Deven in the back of the line. “I bet he listens to the coolest music.”
“Turn up.” Deven said to her.
The class walked into the lab and everyone took a seat at a computer.
“Nobody get on Facebook, Twitter, or any social media whatsoever. Understood?” Mrs. Rosenburg told the class.
“Yes ma’am!” Jeremy yelled. Mrs. Rosenburg gave him the evil eye.
Felix instantly went on Twitter on Internet Explorer. “Thug lyf in da computa lab.” he typed. Hope looked over his shoulder and giggled. “He’s so clever,” she whispered to herself.
The class was surprisingly quiet for the next couple of minutes as everyone actually started doing their work. Well, at least that’s how it seemed.
“Dude, check this out,” Felix said to Jeremy, pointing at the computer screen.
“Can you hook me up, bruh?” Jeremy asked.
“Hey, what are you guys looking at?” Hope interrupted.
Jeremy and Felix both laughed. “Nothing,” Felix said. Jeremy shouted, “DRUGS!”
Mrs. Rosenburg lifted her head from her work like an eagle alarmed by another animal’s cry.
“Who’s got drugs?” she asked. She stood up and walked over to Felix and the glowing monitor in front of him, showcasing things as risqué as booze to crack cocaine to even Russian brides.
“What is this?” she began to yell.
“What? It’s a website.” Felix responded.
“Well, it’s not just any old website, now is it?” she shouted. The whole class turned to witness the amazing battle that was about to happen.
“I need to do research,” Felix said.
“On what? How to get thrown in jail for drug deals? That’s it; I’ve had it with you. I’m done.” Mrs. Rosenburg went on.
“But I was just looking, not selling or buying,” Felix tried to explain, laughing.
“You know what? You’re an *******!” Mrs. Rosenburg screeched. This only made Felix laugh even more. Mrs. Rosenburg walked over to her desk, grabbing a yellow slip of paper. All the students knew then that this was getting pretty serious. It was game over.
“I’m writing you up for doing illegal activities on school property,” Mrs. Rosenburg said.
Suddenly, the fire alarm went off. “Students! This is only a drill! Please evacuate in an orderly fashion out of the building!” the principal announced. Everyone got up from their seats and made their way out of the building. Of course, Mrs. Rosenburg told everyone to shut up for the entire walk out.
Everyone stood outside, bored to tears, except for Hope, who was pacing anxiously.
“This is it,” Hope said to herself. Jeremy overheard and said, “Huh?”
Suddenly, the faint sound of a helicopter could be heard. It kept growing louder as the seconds flew by, and the entire student body grew silent. After about five minutes, somebody shouted, “Look!” and pointed upwards towards the cloudy sky at a bright pink helicopter. The storm had ceased and the sun crept through the dismal clouds. A rainbow appeared behind the helicopter.
“Do you see what it says?” one girl said to everyone.
“Go see a movie this weekend…on me?” Felix read. “What the ****, man.”
“Who?” many of the students asked each other. The helicopter turned around and on the side was writing in light blue letters.
“To Felix, from Hope xoxo”.
Jeremy nudged Felix and winked at him. Felix chuckled a bit and looked at the ground.
“I pulled the fire alarm so we could,” Hope began, pausing for dramatic effect. “…have this moment together.”
Suddenly, a man shouted from the helicopter as it started making a weird groaning noise. “Help! She’s going down!” he exclaimed.
No one knew what to do. The students ran around, trying to escape an impending doom.
“Everyone calm down and leave the premises in an orderly fashion! Quiet!” Mrs. Rosenburg announced.
The helicopter crashed into the side of the school building. The man who was steering the helicopter jumped out, escaping the scene. Felix recognized the man and told everyone that he was related to some kind of terrorist group in the country.
“How do you know that?” everyone asked, but Felix just shrugged his shoulders and laughed.
Mrs. Rosenburg shivered with fear.
“He’s a real ******* for ruining the school. Other than that, bet he’s loaded with all kinds of ‘illegal substances’.” Felix said, hoping Mrs. Rosenburg would overhear.
Deven looked at Hope and said, “Turn up.”

 

[Link Floyd]

The long awaited Chapter 3! For those of you who have missed out on the first two chapters, this is an original story I created with characters that are based on some of my friends irl. I really hope that you guys enjoy this, as this is the work I'm most proud of. There are 25 chapters total!

Chapter 3 - Nor a Pen Drop, Nor a Rustling Cheetos Bag

“Oh, Felix, you’re so funny!” a girl with straight brown hair giggled. Felix smirked, winking at her, with that cheeky attitude of his. He ran his tan fingers through his jet black hair and straightened his red glasses.
“He’s so gorgeous,” a girl named Hope, whose hair was short and layered with a cute bow on the side, whispered to her friend Deven sitting next to her. “I wish I could just…I wish I could just feel that body against mine.”
“Girl.” Deven said to her, picking through his afro. Hope’s mouth watered as she watched the lusciousness of Felix’s presence across the room.
Mrs. Rosenburg moved the seats in the classroom to try and prevent the juvenile behavior that had been going on in her room for almost the whole school year.
“Stay in your seats until the bell rings!” she yelled at the talkative class. “I swear, I shouldn’t even give you all FIVE minutes of free time.” she commented to herself.
Hope stared at Felix, lustfully. He was talking to the girl with the straight hair, Polly, about governmental issues.
“Yes, I think communism is the worst kind of government!” Polly told him. He nodded his head and explained his take on it.
“Look at her!” Hope said to Deven. “She just agrees with him to get him to like her. That’s bull****. She doesn’t know anything about government and conspiracy theories and all that stuff that Felix likes.” Hope frowned and buried her face in her hands. “I wish Felix could see the real me. Then he’d know that we were made for each other.”
Jeremy had been eavesdropping on the conversation the entire time. He giggled to himself. He walked over to Polly and Felix, up to no good.
“Hey! Sit down, Jeremy!” Mrs. Rosenburg yelled.
“Okay, okay, whatever,” Jeremy said, upset that his first attempt failed. He tore out a sheet of paper from his notebook, and formed it into a ball. He scribbled the word “***GOT” on the side and something else and aimed it at Felix. It hit him in the nose. “Ow,” Felix said.
“Oh, you poor baby! Are you okay?” Polly exclaimed. Felix ignored her and unfolded the paper wad.
“Dear Felix, give this to Polly and let her read the rest.” it read. Felix looked at Jeremy and shrugged and handed the note to Polly.
Polly read it and had a horrified look in her eyes.
“Somebody,” Polly paused, her face going from happy to pissed in a matter of two milliseconds. “…is talking ****.”
Everyone in the class overheard and started to get crazy.
“Oooooh, get ‘em!” Felix laughed as the rest of the class shouted with excitement. There hasn’t been a major fight since the first Felix vs. Mrs. Rosenburg showdown of 2013. Everyone in the class was pumped.
Polly stood up abruptly with a look of determination on her face. Mrs. Rosenburg had left the room to drink coffee and watch a documentary about the evils of World War II in the teacher’s lounge, so there was no stopping Polly.
“Hope Sandabald!” Polly spoke. The whole room grew silent. You couldn’t even here the rustling of a Cheetos bag.
Hope stood up, brushing her hair in front of her face with her hand.
“I’ve heard some things,” Polly began, when suddenly the door knob at the front of the room turned. A squeaking noise was heard and Polly panicked. Hope just stood there, prepared to take whatever was to come.
Mrs. Rosenburg walked into the room, clutching a Starbucks cup and the DVD case for the documentary. She stopped to witness Hope and Polly, who were her best-behaved students, staring each other down. A tumble weed rolled past.
“Sit down guys,” she said calmly. They didn’t move. Mrs. Rosenburg didn’t know what to do. She asked them again, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, the announcements came on to release the students to go home.
“Meet me in the parking lot after school,” Polly said to Hope.
Hope, Felix, and the rest of the gang walked to their lockers together. Hope was oddly quiet, and then she started balling.
“She’s gonna kill me!” Hope cried. None of the boys knew what to do. Jeremy left the scene as he has trouble dealing with emotion. Felix gathered his things, and just listened.
“I’m gonna DIE!” she exclaimed, tears streaming down her round face. Deven frowned, but said nothing. He left along with Felix. Hope cried to herself in the bathroom, and finally worked up the nerve to go to the parking lot.
Hope arrived at a brawl. “Fight! Fight!” people chanted.
“Huh?” she said, running to the scene.
Felix was holding back Deven, who was determined to crush Polly. Felix was laughing, of course. Polly was still fired up about the whole note thing.
“What the hell did I do to that *****?” Hope said to herself.
She ran over to Deven, who was restrained by Felix’s strong grip, which Hope silently admired. He didn’t say a word. Then she ran over to Polly to get to the bottom of this.
“What did I do to you?” Hope asked.
“You were talking ****!” Polly yelled.
“About what? Who?” Hope said.
“YOU WERE TALKING **** ABOUT ME! YOU KNOW WHAT? I DO LIKE FELIX! I MIGHT EVEN LOVE HIM!”
Hope looked at Felix who had finally let go. He just laughed and said, “I’m bored.” And then he left. Polly loosened up, and went home.
“Well, that was pointless. At least a plane didn’t crash into the school.” Hope said, when suddenly a kunai was chucked, almost hitting Hope in the skull. Her and Deven looked around and noticed a dark figure dart into the bushes near the front door of the school.
The two walked closer to see what it exactly was. A man in all black popped out and ran for the hills.
“Oh, it’s just a ninja.” Hope said.
Deven looked at her. “…Girl.”
​

 

[Link Floyd]

Chapter 4 - This Ain’t Nazi Germany

“Are you saying that I’m an idiot, bruh?!” Jeremy shouted at Felix before the bell rang for class to begin.
“Yeah, ‘cause you don’t even know what I’m talking about, bruh! You need to shut up!” Felix shouted back.
Deven and Hope enjoyed listening to the daily arguments between Felix and Jeremy before class every day. It started to become a tradition. Without it, class wouldn’t be the same.
The bell rang and Mrs. Rosenburg strolled in. “Alright! Take your seats!” she yelled, as usual.
“I have heard that you all have decided to protest the new principal,” she explained to the class. “Well, don’t do it! It’s a bad idea! You all are almost high school graduates!”
“Says the most liberal and complaining woman on the planet,” Felix commented.
“What was that, Felix?” she replied.
“I was just explaining how you always talk about how back in the day protesting was like, a weekly thing for you,” Felix said.
“Yeah, and?” she responded.
“Did it get you anywhere? No.” Felix laughed.
“Okay, I’ve heard enough. We’re taking notes today and if I catch any of you sleeping, you’re out of here!” Mrs. Rosenburg said.
“How is leaving the class a punishment? Isn’t being in here punishment enough?” Felix clarified. The entire class burst out into laughter. Mrs. Rosenburg put her hands on her hips and stared him down.
“Why is everything an argument with you?” she asked him, sounding somewhat sincere.
“I’m just pointing that out,” Felix replied.
She ignored him, and went on with her notes.
“Why can’t Felix teach the class? That would really help me stay awake ‘cause I’d actually have something interesting to look at.” Hope said to Deven.
“For reals, though,” Deven said.
Mrs. Rosenburg began droning on with her notes.
“Today, we will discuss the President and the election process,” Mrs. Rosenburg said. It was obvious that she was the only one in the room who even gave a crap about this nonsense.
“The people can vote, but the Electoral College decides on the President by voting also.” she explained. Felix’s ears perked up, like a cat.
“Then we the people are not really electing a President are we? Doesn’t that completely defeat the purpose of our entire country?” Felix commented.
“Shut up, we’re taking notes! I really don’t need your commentary.” Mrs. Rosenburg yelled.
“But that whole thing in the Constitution is bull,” Felix began, when suddenly Mrs. Rosenburg put her index finger on her lips.
“Hush!” she said.
“But it’s just like getting a new principal without the students consent,” Jeremy said.
“Yeah!” many of the students agreed. Suddenly, an uproar spread throughout the classroom. Students went straight to their phones to check a group message sent from Felix’s phone. It read, “Protest is on in five minutes.” The text went out to the entire student body. Mrs. Rosenburg was clueless.
Five minutes passed and the first one to make a move was Felix, of course. “He’s so manly and brave!” Hope said as Felix walked to the door at the front of the room.
“Felix, what are you doing?” Mrs. Rosenburg asked. Felix ignored her and went out the door. Many students got up and followed, including Jeremy.
“Hey!” she yelled down the hallway at the mass of running teenagers.
Outside, students held up signs that said various types of protest phrases. Felix was holding a huge sign with a picture of a swastika that said, “This ain’t Nazi Germany!”
Many of the students chanted this, standing before the school. None of the teachers, including Mrs. Rosenburg, could stop any of it.
“FREE THE STUDENTS! SIGN THE PETITION TO PREVENT A FUTURE REIGN OF TERROR!” Jeremy announced, holding a pen and a piece of paper with many signatures.
Suddenly, the front door of the school burst open. There he was, Mr. Burke, the soon-to-be principal of Maybury High School. The protest grew quiet. Mr. Burke was a short and stubby man, but had a face that made you die a little on the inside.
“Y’all have sixty seconds to get back to your classrooms!” Mr. Burke yelled. It was almost like he was dealing with kindergarteners by the tone in his voice. One student was bold enough to laugh and mock him. That daring student was, of course, Felix. Hope watched in awe.
“Excuse me, sir?” Mr. Burke said, making his way to Felix. Mr. Burke studied the protest sign he was holding. Mr. Burke’s permanent scowl didn’t change.
“You’re coming with me,” Mr. Burke commanded, like a dictator such as Hitler or Mussolini.
Felix laughed. “Where? To detention? To your office? And hey, while we’re at it, can I give you a lap dance?” he joked.
Nobody in the crowd could believe their ears. Hope smiled and silently cheered on her hero.
Mr. Burke was stunned with rage. He pulled out his cell phone and called the school security. Felix still laughed and held his protest sign in the air triumphantly.
Two large men came bursting through the front door and walked over to the scene. Mrs. Rosenburg felt a bit of relief.
“Come on, boy,” one of them said to Felix.
Suddenly, a giant truck pulled into the parking lot. Two strange looking men in black suits and sunglasses came out of the vehicle. One of them was holding handcuffs.
“Ashley Burke, you are under arrest,” the man holding the hand cuffs said, locking him up.
“Ashley’s a girl’s name LOL.” Felix joked with Jeremy over to the side.
“I didn’t do anything!” Mr. Burke exclaimed.
“We have evidence that you had assaulted a male student about 5”7, blond hair, blue eyes, at the previous place you were employed, Haywood High School.” the other man announced.
“What? No, I was just…well, he was causing trouble, and…I…” Mr. Burke was at a loss for words.
Felix pulled out his phone and typed in ‘Burke beats up student’ on YouTube. The evidence was right there for all to see. Even Mrs. Rosenburg, the queen of butt-kissing, was convinced that this man was no good.
The men in suits carried Mr. Burke to the truck, and drove out of the parking lot. The students sighed with relief.
“WE WIN!” Jeremy shouted, and the entire student body cheered.
Felix smiled and chuckled. “I knew from the moment he walked into this school, he’d tear this joint to the ground,”
Deven smiled. “For reals, though.”