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General Art Blood Brothers

HappyMask

One Creepy Salesman
Joined
Sep 17, 2013
Location
Termina
Prologue

"Come on, boy!" spat Sir Thaddeus at his young squire, who was face down in the mud.
Edward sighed and pushed himself up. He was used to this. The orders. The tripping. Everything. He wiped the mud off his face, and picked up Sir Thaddeus' swords. Why had his father condemned him to this? It was the same every week. He and Thaddeus would trek through the woods, to go to someone else's castle. Well, after Castle Bramson was destroyed, they were always looking for some place to stay. This one time, they got to this castle with red doors, and they ate banquets every night for a week, with cake and pork and sausages and carrots...


SPLAT!


He had fallen face down in the mud again.


"Get up, you little peasant!" ordered Thaddeus. This last word was said with such venom, that Edward expected to be attacked any minute. He pushed himself up, grabbed swords and wiped off the mud. As Edward stood for a second, to collect himself and wipe off the mud, his knight turned around, strode up to him and slapped him. He saw the anger in Thaddeus' hazel eyes. He was rather handsome, with long brown hair and a pale face, but it was not noticeable with such anger etched across his face. Edward blinked, trying to take the pain without crying, but fell back with pain, weeping.

"GET UP! You are a useless piece of dirt!" Edward was angry now. He could take shouting, but he hated it when he Thaddeus hit him. He stood up, tears streaming down his rather plump face, and combed some dirt out of his sandy hair. He stopped. Thaddeus walked up to him, drawing his dagger, and breathing heavily. He swung it at Edward.

Edward was terrified. He dropped to his stomach, causing Thaddeus to catch his dagger in the tree. Thaddeus tried to pry the dagger out of the bark, and Edward, shaking like a leaf, grabbed the hilt of one of the knights sword and drew it. He stood up, nostrils flared, and swung, not caring where it landed. It hit Thaddeus in the neck. Edward's eyes widened, and he went pale and cold. He dropped the sword. Thaddeus fell to the ground, sword still lodged in his neck.
Edward ran through the forest, and didn't stop.

Chapter 1

Garath stopped. His hawk-like eyes turned swiftly to a small brown sparrow, tweeting on the branch of a tree. I have to be careful... he though to himself There's a murderer in these woods. He crouched down into the undergrowth, mostly brambles and general debris, and surveyed the scene. Nothing but trees, a few sparrows and maybe a snake or two. Then he saw a glint of silver. He stroked his long brown hair, moving along his face to his matching beard. That's the ticket

Deep in the trees, a long bar of silver could be seen. It didn't take a ranger like Garath to know, that was a sword. He crept, his bony frame jutting out awkwardly, and his left hand resting on the hilt of his poisoned dagger. He got within sight, to see a man, rather young, hazel eyes, brown hair and a very pale face. A corpse. He sword was jutting out of his neck, leaving a pool of blood seeping from his neck onto the forest floor, his chin and his robes. Garath's neck swiveled around, he began to notice a heap of weapons on the ground and a dagger lodged in the bark of a nearby oak. There has been a fight. thought Garath, and a shiver came down his spine. Then he heard a rustle.

Garath was as quick as a flash. He grabbed his bow, notched an arrow and drew the strings in half a second, aiming at the sign of the rustling. It was a small Juniper bush, ripe with berries. Something jumped out at Garath! He rolled to the left and fired an arrow that instinctively flew straight between his eyes. But he had killed no murderer. He had killed a wolf. He walked over, and dragged the carcass to behind a large oak. He was glad he had, because he discovered a shield, with something written on it in blood.

The shield carried the crest of a Huntsman, the crest of House Hornwood. It was Thaddeus Hornwood, last of his line. He made the sign of the cross and turned the shield over to confirm his fears. Property of Thaddeus Hornwood. He turned it back over to see a word in blood, smudged, but still eligible. Edward.

Garath had his knife. He had his bow. And he had his victim.

Chapter 2 - Next Week
 
Last edited:

Azure Sage

March onward forever...
Staff member
ZD Legend
Comm. Coordinator
Not bad. You're using pretty good details, and I had a fairly clear picture in my head when reading it. Although, there are a few nitpicks...

For one, you aren't spacing properly. It just looks like a wall of text. There's no clear distinction between paragraphs. You should press enter twice, not just once. Also, you're using apostrophes for dialogue. You need to enclose dialogue with quotation marks, not apostrophes.

'GET UP! You are useless piece of dirt!'

That line seems to be missing the letter "a" between the words "are" and "useless". Or, you could just take out the word "are", and that would also work just as well.

I also noticed a couple lines that didn't really need commas, like It hit Thaddeus, in the neck.. There are also a couple lines that sound kind of off to me, but that just may be your stylistic choice, and if so, that's fine. Keep at it; you've got good potential. =D
 

Azure Sage

March onward forever...
Staff member
ZD Legend
Comm. Coordinator
Thanks. Mainly, it was that I was typing quickly.

I see. Then maybe you should try slowing down when writing. It's actually better if you take your time to really read it over and revise it for mistakes. If you rush through writing, there's a greater chance you'll make mistakes. That's something I've learned through experience. ;o
 

HappyMask

One Creepy Salesman
Joined
Sep 17, 2013
Location
Termina
I see. Then maybe you should try slowing down when writing. It's actually better if you take your time to really read it over and revise it for mistakes. If you rush through writing, there's a greater chance you'll make mistakes. That's something I've learned through experience. ;o

Thank you. I doubt that this story will get a lot of views, but I hope you stick with it. Also, should I do a thread per chapter?
 

Doc

BoDoc Horseman
Joined
Nov 24, 2012
Gender
Male
I look forward to the rest of this. The words were descriptive and I had a clear idea of what was happening, but not over detailed that it bore me. You clearly set separate personalities and I eagerly await more. The only critiques I have are what Azure Sage has already corrected. Just a few grammatical errors.
 

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