Sheik
:the:
Why hello there. So I basically made this thread for the sole purpose of improving my story writing. I really do enjoy writing, but I just want to make it so that my work is at least not cringe-worthy 
So I will hopefully be posting some short-ish stories (by which I mean only several chapters) so that I can gain experience and yeah. Constructive criticism NEEDED. So here ya go, I guess. First story.
Redeemers of the Sun
Kind of a sci-fi romance thing in the distant future about an organization bent on trying to prevent the sun's explosion
Pg-13 for some cussing and violence and the usual.
Chapter 1: The Mask of Deceit
So I will hopefully be posting some short-ish stories (by which I mean only several chapters) so that I can gain experience and yeah. Constructive criticism NEEDED. So here ya go, I guess. First story.Redeemers of the Sun
Kind of a sci-fi romance thing in the distant future about an organization bent on trying to prevent the sun's explosion
Pg-13 for some cussing and violence and the usual.
Chapter 1: The Mask of Deceit
“Plans are going smoothly.” Lie. “Everything is under control.” Lie. “There is no need to worry-- there is not a sprinkle of doubt that our procedures will fail.”
Lie.
General Iacet gave a reassuring bow to the crowd. The thousands of people gathered at Timeless Square all cheered and clapped. They jumped into the air, fists punching at the sky. They hugged, laughed, and they smiled.
The smiles. I could sense their thoughts and emotions through their smiles. I knew what they were thinking. They didn't worry. Everything was thoroughly flawless to them. There was nothing that they could fret about. The SR had it all under control.
You see, Iacet was a very good liar. He could pass off anything as truth. But he really wasn't being honest. I knew. I was sitting right behind him that day, waiting for my turn at the podium, to be speak to the crowds of delightfully deceived people. Anyways, us SR are very talented at covering up the truth. Iacet is by far the best at it. His winks and nods and bows and smiles are like candy to the people. They speak good news. Iacet is the second coming of Jesus to them. He was a savior to them, a true genius. He would lead the SB to the prevention of that monumental catastrophe. There were no other opinions. To everybody, Iacet was a true hero.
“This message tonight goes out to all of you today,” he pronounced, bending over more into the microphone. “For this all to work, we just need one thing from you all: trust. All you need to do is to place your trust in the Solaredemptors and support us, and all will be well!” Cameras flashed and lights danced around in Timeless Square. I saw messages emerge on the screens around the plaza saying TRUST THE SR and DONATE TO THE SR TO HELP THE CAUSE OF THE SOLAR CRISIS and others of that matter.
It all made me want to throw up. Yes, lying was probably the better option here, as blatantly revealing that we have still not uncovered a viable solution to the problem would have undoubtedly cause chaos and panic. But still... the fact that they were that hopeful when they really shouldn't be... it made me sick. They were all like idiots who discovered fool's gold and were told it was rare and valuable. Things simply weren't how they were being told they were. The SR really did not know what to do... We kept making promises we knew we couldn't keep.
“And now it is time for me to take my leave.” General Iacet straightened his tie. A bright light shined on his gleaming silver hair and good Lord, the beam was bouncing off it and at me, nearly blinding me. “But, someone else will talk to you for now. She is a very honorable young lady-” Me. “-She is a superb warrior-” Me. “-And she is the youngest female Solaredemptor, at only 18 years of age. Give it up for... Elena Reese!”
Iacet stepped away from the podium and signaled to me to speak. I sighed. I guess it was my turn to put on the mask of deceit. I arrived to the podium, my glistening crimson dress and chocolate brown hair swaying behind me. Several men wolf-whistled... but I really dreaded that. I hated being turned into a sex icon. Being pretty looking does not make you a better fighter. When would people understand that? But I really had no way to change that, except for turning down appearances in magazines and whatnot.
I lowered the microphone to my level. Before I said anything, I needed to take it all in. I was in the spotlight of the most famous area on Earth, Timeless Square, which had still remained intact for billions of years, even through all the destruction and reconstruction of the passing of Eras. It was a fundamental landmark, glowing like a neon bulb in the night sky, and there I was, in the center of it, being watched by even billions of people right now. I've made large, important speeches before, but not quite anything at this tier. Oh God, I hoped I didn't monumentally screw it up.
“...Hello.”
The crowd bursted into cheers.
“...Good evening?” My eyes scanned the audience. “...Anyways, thank you, General Maxwell Iacet, for those amazing, touching words.” I looked over and saw Iacet give me a nod of approval. “He's, he's a role model, really. He teaches us that we always must have hope, no matter what. If we all have hope, then...” You see, I wasn't really one to plan out my speech beforehand, since I just usually spoke what came to my head, but today I seemed to be drawing a blank. I was struggling to keep up the flow of words. “If we all have hope, then nothing is impossible.” The rest of my speech went well.. I basically reworded everything Iacet said, and they still ate it up. When it was over, I suggested something I was planning. “So, just for today, I guess I could do a bit of a Q&A round... just for you guys.”
The crowds cheered, and thousands of hands instantly flung into the air, all expecting to be picked. I flinched. “...Sorry, I really only have time for five. Um, you, kid in the green shirt.”
The young kid beamed. “Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, so much!” said the kid. I almost burst out laughing. “Can you please, please, please show me some of the weaponry you use to fight off the Soldefens?”
This was kind of risky, but I accepted anyways. “Right, okay,” I said, pulling the blade from its sheath. There were ooo's and aaa's. The blade was glowing orange, and it radiated warmth. “This is a solar blade. It's powered by solar energy, and if it can instantly stimulate extreme heat into any machine... or person...” There were a few gasps at that last part. “It's very lightweight. Mine is about three feet long, and it's is very quick.” I swung around at the air with it, and even the orange shine could barely keep up with it. “I'd show you the atom launcher, but I don't have the gear with me today. And everything else is classified. Sorry.” I heard plenty of disappointed groans in the crowds.
The next three questions were “Do you enjoy being an SB?”, “What would you recommend to somebody who would like to become an SB?”, and “Will you marry me?” (which I annoyingly got a lot). The last question, however, was what startled me. “Are you currently romantically interested in anybody?” This is where I spoke with my instincts. “No,” I answered. “I've never been, I'm not, and I never will. In my opinion, love is simply a distraction from true goals in life.” I gritted my teeth. I would surely get a lot of negative feedback from that answer, but I was just speaking my true thoughts on that matter.
I bid farewell to the audience, blowing them a few kisses, and left the plaza. I threw on my hood. I didn't want to be bothered anymore tonight. The stars in the sky reappeared again as the lights flickered off. What was once a headache-inducing, loud plaza was now dark and abandoned. I was dashing through the alleys of Manhattan. I had to return to headquarters so I could get sleep for a mission I was embarking on tomorrow. As I was racing through the dark city, my hand was tugged.
I spun around and impulsively drew my blade. Nobody was there. Just me and the lonely road. I turned back around, puzzled, until I heard the voice.”
“You will, right Missus?”
I looked down and sheathed my blade. The kid must've only been eight or so, and he was wearing raggedy clothes and had dirty black hair. He wore what was easily the most worried face tonight. “What is it?” I snapped. “I'm busy!”
“But Missus,” said the boy, kicking at the stone pavement. “Missus Elena... You will, right? You'll save us, won't you? You're not going to let the sun explode?” He pointed his finger at me. “And you'd better not lie!”
I almost fainted from guilt. This poor homeless boy had his trust in me... And I couldn't lie any longer.
I ran from him. I ran from the awful truth. The truth that I couldn't save him.
Lie.
General Iacet gave a reassuring bow to the crowd. The thousands of people gathered at Timeless Square all cheered and clapped. They jumped into the air, fists punching at the sky. They hugged, laughed, and they smiled.
The smiles. I could sense their thoughts and emotions through their smiles. I knew what they were thinking. They didn't worry. Everything was thoroughly flawless to them. There was nothing that they could fret about. The SR had it all under control.
You see, Iacet was a very good liar. He could pass off anything as truth. But he really wasn't being honest. I knew. I was sitting right behind him that day, waiting for my turn at the podium, to be speak to the crowds of delightfully deceived people. Anyways, us SR are very talented at covering up the truth. Iacet is by far the best at it. His winks and nods and bows and smiles are like candy to the people. They speak good news. Iacet is the second coming of Jesus to them. He was a savior to them, a true genius. He would lead the SB to the prevention of that monumental catastrophe. There were no other opinions. To everybody, Iacet was a true hero.
“This message tonight goes out to all of you today,” he pronounced, bending over more into the microphone. “For this all to work, we just need one thing from you all: trust. All you need to do is to place your trust in the Solaredemptors and support us, and all will be well!” Cameras flashed and lights danced around in Timeless Square. I saw messages emerge on the screens around the plaza saying TRUST THE SR and DONATE TO THE SR TO HELP THE CAUSE OF THE SOLAR CRISIS and others of that matter.
It all made me want to throw up. Yes, lying was probably the better option here, as blatantly revealing that we have still not uncovered a viable solution to the problem would have undoubtedly cause chaos and panic. But still... the fact that they were that hopeful when they really shouldn't be... it made me sick. They were all like idiots who discovered fool's gold and were told it was rare and valuable. Things simply weren't how they were being told they were. The SR really did not know what to do... We kept making promises we knew we couldn't keep.
“And now it is time for me to take my leave.” General Iacet straightened his tie. A bright light shined on his gleaming silver hair and good Lord, the beam was bouncing off it and at me, nearly blinding me. “But, someone else will talk to you for now. She is a very honorable young lady-” Me. “-She is a superb warrior-” Me. “-And she is the youngest female Solaredemptor, at only 18 years of age. Give it up for... Elena Reese!”
Iacet stepped away from the podium and signaled to me to speak. I sighed. I guess it was my turn to put on the mask of deceit. I arrived to the podium, my glistening crimson dress and chocolate brown hair swaying behind me. Several men wolf-whistled... but I really dreaded that. I hated being turned into a sex icon. Being pretty looking does not make you a better fighter. When would people understand that? But I really had no way to change that, except for turning down appearances in magazines and whatnot.
I lowered the microphone to my level. Before I said anything, I needed to take it all in. I was in the spotlight of the most famous area on Earth, Timeless Square, which had still remained intact for billions of years, even through all the destruction and reconstruction of the passing of Eras. It was a fundamental landmark, glowing like a neon bulb in the night sky, and there I was, in the center of it, being watched by even billions of people right now. I've made large, important speeches before, but not quite anything at this tier. Oh God, I hoped I didn't monumentally screw it up.
“...Hello.”
The crowd bursted into cheers.
“...Good evening?” My eyes scanned the audience. “...Anyways, thank you, General Maxwell Iacet, for those amazing, touching words.” I looked over and saw Iacet give me a nod of approval. “He's, he's a role model, really. He teaches us that we always must have hope, no matter what. If we all have hope, then...” You see, I wasn't really one to plan out my speech beforehand, since I just usually spoke what came to my head, but today I seemed to be drawing a blank. I was struggling to keep up the flow of words. “If we all have hope, then nothing is impossible.” The rest of my speech went well.. I basically reworded everything Iacet said, and they still ate it up. When it was over, I suggested something I was planning. “So, just for today, I guess I could do a bit of a Q&A round... just for you guys.”
The crowds cheered, and thousands of hands instantly flung into the air, all expecting to be picked. I flinched. “...Sorry, I really only have time for five. Um, you, kid in the green shirt.”
The young kid beamed. “Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, so much!” said the kid. I almost burst out laughing. “Can you please, please, please show me some of the weaponry you use to fight off the Soldefens?”
This was kind of risky, but I accepted anyways. “Right, okay,” I said, pulling the blade from its sheath. There were ooo's and aaa's. The blade was glowing orange, and it radiated warmth. “This is a solar blade. It's powered by solar energy, and if it can instantly stimulate extreme heat into any machine... or person...” There were a few gasps at that last part. “It's very lightweight. Mine is about three feet long, and it's is very quick.” I swung around at the air with it, and even the orange shine could barely keep up with it. “I'd show you the atom launcher, but I don't have the gear with me today. And everything else is classified. Sorry.” I heard plenty of disappointed groans in the crowds.
The next three questions were “Do you enjoy being an SB?”, “What would you recommend to somebody who would like to become an SB?”, and “Will you marry me?” (which I annoyingly got a lot). The last question, however, was what startled me. “Are you currently romantically interested in anybody?” This is where I spoke with my instincts. “No,” I answered. “I've never been, I'm not, and I never will. In my opinion, love is simply a distraction from true goals in life.” I gritted my teeth. I would surely get a lot of negative feedback from that answer, but I was just speaking my true thoughts on that matter.
I bid farewell to the audience, blowing them a few kisses, and left the plaza. I threw on my hood. I didn't want to be bothered anymore tonight. The stars in the sky reappeared again as the lights flickered off. What was once a headache-inducing, loud plaza was now dark and abandoned. I was dashing through the alleys of Manhattan. I had to return to headquarters so I could get sleep for a mission I was embarking on tomorrow. As I was racing through the dark city, my hand was tugged.
I spun around and impulsively drew my blade. Nobody was there. Just me and the lonely road. I turned back around, puzzled, until I heard the voice.”
“You will, right Missus?”
I looked down and sheathed my blade. The kid must've only been eight or so, and he was wearing raggedy clothes and had dirty black hair. He wore what was easily the most worried face tonight. “What is it?” I snapped. “I'm busy!”
“But Missus,” said the boy, kicking at the stone pavement. “Missus Elena... You will, right? You'll save us, won't you? You're not going to let the sun explode?” He pointed his finger at me. “And you'd better not lie!”
I almost fainted from guilt. This poor homeless boy had his trust in me... And I couldn't lie any longer.
I ran from him. I ran from the awful truth. The truth that I couldn't save him.
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