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Ever since my dad became a mime I haven't heard from him.

What is the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I've never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

I once had a friend who had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face.

A rich man and a poor man are sitting on a bench together, and they start talking about their anniversaries coming up and what they are giving their wives. The rich man says "I got her a Ferrari and a diamond necklace, so if she doesn't like the necklace she can drive the Ferrari to return it"...

A deer walks out of a gay bar and exclaims, "Damn I just blew 30 bucks in there."

Girls are just so ungrateful. I gave this girl the best orgasm of her life, and she spat it out.

I went to see my doctor last week. He told me I have to stop masturbating. I asked him why. Surely it's not dangerous? He told me it was distracting him.

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."