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General Art Unmentionable

Keyari

翼のエルフ
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Location
Rivendell, Middle Earth
Alright guys, so I'm back with more writing for you all. Unmentionable is unlike most of the stories (etc.) that I write. Its a short story by all means, and its a little broad, so that you can use your imagination to come up with the character's appearances, etc. It's ending is lot like the stuff Shakespheare wrote, I think. Well, it reminds me of it.

I had a quote from the Lord of the Rings, that was the inspiration to write this, but I can't find it, so I will edit that in as soon as I find it. I just wanted to post this as soon as possible.





Unmentionable

I have committed a terrible crime. What I have done will not be told to many, a story that won't be passed down for more than a few weeks. By then, my life shall be taken and my tale forgotten. My life story shall never be told.

I used to be a simple and kind man, true to my word. A simplistic commoner I was called often. My childhood was bleak and average. As a schoolboy, I never seemed to fail, nor achieve. I applied for a decent job once out of my school years and lived my life as I could.

My life continued, until that one day... The day I took upon the life of a criminal. The crime is too terrible to mention.

I now sit here in my cell, frowned upon by the rest of society. My thoughts drift in and out of my mind without meaning. I've been locked up in this cage for a month now. No one dares to make eye contact with me, for there is no point. I am seen as a monster.

Only once has someone spoken to me during my captivity. A foolish girl, I considered her then, walking up to my cell and gripping the bars enclosed around me.
"Why do these Iron holds keep you in their grip? You do not look like a man of evil. Tell me, for I wish to know."

I looked up at her concerned face, hearing her words of sympathy. No sign of emotion or hope lit my face. My answer was cold, but still she stayed.
"Have you not heard? I am dangerous, a man of evils. Many now fear me."
She looked in my eyes, as if she were searching for something.

"I do not see a man of such evil, but a man grieving with pity. I will not fear you."
With that, she left and returned to her life, doing things as she normally did. Every time she happened to pass by the cell, we exchanged a glance. That was all I ever received from the outside world.

* * *

The day of my execution has come. I am called forth from my cell. I am bounded at my wrists and thrust forward. I see a platform, and a rope noose. Here, I knew my life would end.

I stand here now, on the wooden platform, as my life flashes before my eyes. I start to become dizzy and impatient, my life was coming to an end. The official stands by my side, reading aloud a script containing the evils of my crime and the charges I am forced to pay.

The official ends his speech and I then notice the enlarged crowd. A silence rings in the air. Then a loud, deep breath is heard from someone in the audience. Immediately thereafter, their voice proclaims from the audience, reaching the ears of the official.
"I must object to this immoral charge. In this man's eyes I have seen anything but evil. What crime has caused this treachery?"

The girl that had spoken to me that day, which felt many years ago, had risen from her spot in the crowd.
"I see not any reason for this. This man is confused within his own mind, wondering why he is here. I have seen it in his eyes. I dare ask again, what crime has he committed?"

The official gave her a stern look and replied to her with a dark, gruff voice, crackling on the edges as if he were to die the next day.
"What he has done is unmentionable..." he said, until I interrupted. I ready to reveal my tale. I had had enough.
* * *

"I was never much more than your average person. I never failed nor succeeded. My life moved on like a time well spent. Then it happened.
There was a man, mentally ill. He had a lust in his eyes that meant not to appear and moves so quick it was unexplainable. He created much evil, causing thievery and murder. Many sought him out and there was finally a day he was captured, caught by force. He stood on this very podium I stand today. They were about to hang him when something snapped inside me."

The audience had fallen silent and the girl was standing towards the front of it, staring up at me, trusting my words.
"I saw into his eyes also, and found madness. He was corrupted by his own doings, unable to control his actions any further. That's when I commited my crime, lest crime even be defined for it.
I took pity upon the man and set him free. I cut the noose on his neck and spared his life. Is this really such a crime? To pity a man? To save someone who isn't even in his own right mind?"

The official stirred for the first time since I had spoken.
"Lies! Lies I tell you all, my good people! Do not listen to such foolishness! These words come from a coward!"
The crowd arose into an uproar.
"Kill this traitor!"
"This liar has done us no good!"
"Away with him!"
As the crowd spouted yells and curses, the girl looked up at me, with those large trusting eyes. Her eyes met mine.
I'm jerked back, and the noose is thrown over my head. I hear the "clang!" of a bell and then the ground is pulled out from my feet. I gasp, all the air rushing out of my body.

The last sound I hear is the rebellion from the girl. She's... on the podium, hugging me...I feel the "thunk" of an arrow as it impales her body. I then hear and see no more. The girl dies in my lifeless arms.


My death will be an unmentionable tale.

* * *

I hope you liked it. I really need feedback. Short stories are not my strongsuit. ;)
~Ki
 
Last edited:
Joined
Apr 16, 2010
This was a very nice piece of writing, Key! It seemed like something Poe would write, and I usually enjoy his stories. The broadness of the character explanation did help my imagination kick in. I also liked how the characters didn't have names, which helped with the theme of being unmentionable and forgotten. I caught very few mistakes, as well.
Keyari said:
"Why do these iron holds keep you in their grip? You do not look like a man of evil. Tell me, for I wish to know."
"What he has done is unmentionable..." he said, until I interrupted. I was ready to reveal my tale. I had had enough.

Very nice, indeed.^^
 

Ronin

There you are! You monsters!
Forum Volunteer
Joined
Feb 8, 2011
Location
Alrest
Very dark and deep, young one. Yet I see you say there is comparison in it from Shakespeare; I arise to say it also contains qualities belonging to Tolkien as well. Tragedy comes in the stories of both men, for it is the true villain in their tales, and the characters as a whole unite to become the protagonist in order to topple the antagonist. Thus has been integrated in your marvelous tale. Well-written from all perspectives; pure courage has sprung forth from the hearts of two innocents doomed to die...
 

Keyari

翼のエルフ
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Location
Rivendell, Middle Earth
Very dark and deep, young one. Yet I see you say there is comparison in it from Shakespeare; I arise to say it also contains qualities belonging to Tolkien as well. Tragedy comes in the stories of both men, for it is the true villain in their tales, and the characters as a whole unite to become the protagonist in order to topple the antagonist. Thus has been integrated in your marvelous tale. Well-written from all perspectives; pure courage has sprung forth from the hearts of two innocents doomed to die...

It is completely Tolkien inspired, for I have a quote I based upon, and I will edit that in later. (I can't find it at the moment...)

By Shakespheare, I meant like similarities as to both the good characters die, like Romeo and Juliet.
 

Raindrop14

Soldier for Christ!
Joined
Jan 29, 2011
Location
E-Arth
This was very good!^^ I have a strange question, are you a Roman Catholic or Christian? The story just reminded me of how in the Bible Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, and the man being hung in the story loves his neighbor by cutting the one guys noose, and the girl shows love by defending the man. Yes, I am a Roman Catholic.^^
 

Keyari

翼のエルフ
Joined
Jul 13, 2011
Location
Rivendell, Middle Earth
This was very good!^^ I have a strange question, are you a Roman Catholic or Christian? The story just reminded me of how in the Bible Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, and the man being hung in the story loves his neighbor by cutting the one guys noose, and the girl shows love by defending the man. Yes, I am a Roman Catholic.^^

I am Christian yes. I did try to add a little something like that, but most of it was relating to this quote I had. (I really need to find it.)

I'm glad you like it!
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
wow, this was amazing Keyari! I loved it, even though it was short. I've always loved your style, but this really shined. I'm speechless on what you could improve on, it was just too perfect. Awesome job <3
 

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