onebizarrekai
gay energy
Another screwed up series. I'm working harder on this story, and it's one of the first properly written stories I have. It's also a LOT longer then my usual stories.
“What the heck? I thought I got the Gamecube special edition with only TWO games! Why is there this crazy thing added as well as Master Quest even though the cover didn’t show it!?” the guy wailed.
“Well, you should consider yourself lucky because you ended up with an extra one! It’s a crazy version of the game, and it’s called “Screwed up Quest!” the director told him. “Play it now!”
“But what about the other ones?”
“When it’s screwed up, it’s always more fun! So play it already!”
“Oh fine…”
The player started up “Ocarina of Time: Screwed up Quest”. The game began immediately…
In the land of Hyrule, there is a forest called the Kokiri Forest. There are kids here known as the Kokiri, and they stay short and young no matter how old they are. The guardian of the forest, known as the Deku Tree, guards the forest and children from evil. All the Kokiri wear green, and all have a fairy with them. Some of the Kokiri have hair covering their face, so the fairy must guide them or else they may leave the forest. Other Kokiri are just too crazy, so they must have a fairy to stop them from going crazy. However, there is a lazy boy named Link who does not have a fairy. Many times has he tried to leave the forest. Link was dreaming about fluffy pink bunnies and unicorns at the moment.
“Navi, Navi, where art thou? Come hither…” the Deku Tree called.
“What do you want? I have a strict schedule!” Navi informed.
“Navi, you must go bring Link here…”
“Then can I get out of here?”
“No, I also want you to be his fairy.”
Navi draws a machine gun. “You’re kidding, right?’
“Nope.”
Navi raises the gun toward the tree.
“If you shoot me, you die.”
“He, you’re just a tree. You can’t do a single thing to me.”
“Yes I can. I’m the guardian of the forest. I can make you disintegrate.”
Navi quickly puts the machine gun away. “Listen, why does the fairy have to be me?”
“Because you’re the most aggressive fairy ever. I am going to die soon.”
“GOOD.”
Navi fluttered off and into Link’s house.
“Hey you, wake up, you sleepy jerk,” Navi demanded. Link just turned his head and continued sleeping.
“HEY!!! THE DEKU TREE WANTS YOU THIS MOMENT!!!!”
“Fluffy pink bunnies and unicorns…” Link muttered in his sleep.
“GET UP OR I’LL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!”
Link shot up right away. “Uh what? What the heck are you?”
“A fairy.”
“OH MY GOSH!!!!!! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!!”
“Shut up and go to the Deku Tree. He wants you.”
“I don’t wanna…”
“Hey wait, I thought you were supposed to be speechless in all the Zelda games and did exactly as you were told.”
“Except for this one! It’s screwed up, isn’t it?”
“JUST GO SEE THE FREAKIN’ TREE ALREADY.”
“Nah, I wanna go get a few things first.”
“NO.”
“Why should I have to listen to you?”
“Because people have fairies to make sure they don’t go crazy!”
“I’m not crazy.”
Link walks off and wanders into Mido’s house who wasn’t home.
“This is why Kokiri should have doors on their houses,” Navi thought.
Link kicked open a chest.
“I got a rupee!” he sang with “DA NA NA NA” that was being played in the background.
“We really don’t have time for this,” Navi told him. “The Deku Tree wants you right away!”
“I got another rupee!”
“Get the heck out of here and see the stupid tree! This is called robbing, you know!”
“OH FINE!”
Link stomps out of the house and goes to the Deku Tree.
“What?” Link asked, annoyed.
“I am going to die soon,” the Deku Tree replied.
“And what does that have to do with me?”
“Since you are not crazy like the other Kokiri, I have chosen you to destroy the evil monster that cursed me.”
“Are you kidding? I couldn’t possibly do it without any weapon-”
Mido appears out of no where and throws Link out. “Darn it! I was sleeping on the job! You need a sword and shield before coming here in here!”
“That solves your problem,” Navi said.
“And where do I get those?”
“How should I know?”
“Let’s go through this little tunnel here.”
“Why?”
“Because the sign says that.”
“It’s probably a trick!”
“OH MY GOSH!!! IT’S A HUGE ROLLING BOULDER!!!!”
The boulder crashes into Link, stops, then rolls right through him.
“That was strange.”
“Oh my gosh! It’s a treasure chest! A big one!”
Link opens the treasure chest, holds his hands up, but nothing was there. All he heard was music coming from behind him.
Link and Navi turned around to see what was going on and…*Mario was dancing on top of the treasure chest.
“WHAT THE HECK!?” they both shouted at the top of their voices.
“Bye bye!” Mario said, like he does when you close your DS while play New Super Mario Bros.
“That was simply the weirdest thing that has ever happened in my life,” Link said.
“There’s something else in here!” Navi said.
“I got a sword!” Link sang with “DA NA NA NA”.
“Now you’ve got a sword so now you need to find a shield… Uh, what are you doing?”
“Hehe. The shop isn’t open, so I can get a shield.”
“Link, I’m telling the cops if you steal it.”
“There aren’t any cops in the Kokiri Forest.”
“Well there are surely people who own the shop, of course. They can prevent you from ever buying from it again!”
“Everyone’s crazy here except for me, so they obviously won’t notice. See? Mido’s right there and he can’t even hear us.”
“What if that’s because he’s too focused on guarding the path? And since he’s supposed to be in charge, I’ll tell him if you rob the store.”
“Mido in charge? He’s not REALLY in charge, he just thinks he is.”
“Did you make that up?”
“No. The Deku Tree said so.”
“Prove it once we can get in there.”
Link opens a window and jumps in, not realizing the window was high off the floor.
“Ouch.”
Link reaches for the shield and grabs it, but then the lights flash on and…
“INTRUDER ALERT!!!! HE’S ROBBING THE STORE!!!!” the Kokiri said.
A bunch of Kokiri starts chasing him and he jumps out the same window.
“I don’t have time for this! Mido, let me through NOW!!!”
“You robbed a store!? NO WAY!!!!”
Link draws his sword and starts stepping up to Mido.
“If you don’t let me through, then…” Link slides his hand across his neck.
Before Mido could say anything, Link pokes him very lightly and he faints.
“Isn’t that a little…*freaky?” Link told Navi.
“Nah, I get enough of that.”
“What tookest thou so long?”
“You weren’t talking like that before, you old tree,” Navi said.
“Shut up. Now tell me, what took you so long?”
“Didn’t you hear? Mido threw me out, told me to get a sword and shield. I got the sword, but Mario appeared, then left, then we got the sword, I went to the store that wasn’t opened, they caught me trying to steal a shield, we had to faint Mido in order to get in here, and that’s all.”
“That was the worst thing to say, EVER.”
“You stole a shield!? BURN HI-”
“Just tell me already what to do!!”
“The monster is inside me. You must go inside to-”
“He’s gone already.”
“THERE HE IS!!!!” the Kokiri shouted as they ran the opposite direction Link was running.
“AH!!!”
Link runs back to the Deku Tree.
“AS LONG AS IT WILL SAVE ME!!!!”
Link dives into the tree and Navi flies after him.
“Did he just…” one Kokiri started.
“Go inside the Deku Tree?” another added.
“Great Deku Tree! Aren’t you going to do something?!”
“No, because I told him to in the first place, but he didn’t want to, but then you guys found him and scared him in.”
All the Kokiri stood with their mouths hanging wide open.
“WHY HIM???” they all questioned loudly.
“None of your business.”
“That was close.” Link said.
“It was your idea to steal a shield in the first place.” Navi told him.
“Shut up.”
“You can’t tell me to shut up.”
“Wow, it’s a web!”
Navi rolls her eyes. “You’re that excited about something stupid?”
“Let’s go up the ladder and through this door.”
“Door? We’re in a tree!”
“Wow, it’s a chest! Wow, it’s a slingshot! I got a slingshot!” Link sang with “DA NA NA NA”.
“You’re being highly irksome right now.”
“Wow, it’s a spider!”
Navi says nothing, she just makes a “you are so annoying” face.
“Wow, it’s another spider!”
“SHUT UP.”
“Wow, the web is breaking!”
“IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME…”
“Wow, it’s a…*drain inside a tree?”
“I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE NOSE. HARD.”
“Wow it’s a… Okay, I’ll be quiet now.”
“Thank you.”
Link goes through a lot of puzzles inside the tree. It was surprising though, why would somebody put puzzles inside a tree and how?
“The room is empty and foggy. What do we do now? The door is locked behind me,” Link said.
“What if there’s something on the ceiling?” Navi told him.
Link looked up. “There’s not going to be anything there- OH MY GOSH!!!!!”
A huge creature in the shape of a spider crawled around on the ceiling. It had a huge eye.
Parasitic Armored Arachnid
GOHMA
Age: It doesn’t have an age, it’s just the queen of little Gohmas
Favorite Food: Wood from Deku Tree
Favorite Color: Pink
Weak Spot: It’s eye
“All that helped there was the Weak Spot,” Link muttered.
“Shut up and kill it before it kills you!” Navi yelled.
“RAW!!! I SHALL CURSE YOU AND MAKE YOU DIE!!!!!” Gohma said.
“Why curse? Why can’t you just kill me instead of cursing me?” Link asked.
“Idiot,” Navi told him.
“Nuh uh.”
Link gets out his slingshot and shoots the Gohma in the eye, causing it to fall from the ceiling, stunned.
“Slice away!” he said and started slicing the eye of the Gohma, somehow not finding it disgusting at all.
“NOO!!! I’M DEAD!!!” Gohma screamed and exploded into blue blood.
“And that’s how it’s done.”
“I didn’t ask you to show me. Now get your face into the blue light and get out of here.”
Link walks into the blue light and appears in front of the Deku Tree.
“NO! You killed the wrong monster! That monster was my pet!” the Deku Tree shouted.
“Then how come it tried to kill me?”
“Because my pet it a retardly stupid. You took way to long…*I am afraid the curse is already killing me. I will die in several minutes. I will tell you a story before I die.”
“Wow! I love storytime!”
“Link. A long, long, time ago, before the world existed, three goddesses that were fully gold flew around helplessly. Din, the goddess of power, Nayru, the goddess of wisdom, and Farore, the goddess of courage. But then, one day, they decided to make the world. With her flaming arms, Din created the world’s shape. Nayru, who was very smart, poured her wisdom onto the world and created things, such as the sku and water. Farore created life on the world. When they were done, they all crashed into each other, and formed the Triforce and headed back to heaven.”
“Was that supposed to help me?”
“Yes. Now, Link, you are very special. You can leave the forest without dying. Now, please take this stone to the Princess of Hyrule. She is at Hyrule Castle.”
“I got the sparkling shiny green stone!” Link sang with “DA NA NA NA”.
“Kokiri Emerald, L-…” the Deku Tree said, but died before he could finished his sentance.
“FINALLY!” Navi screamed.
“Now let’s get out of here!”
Link rushes outside the forest. Kokiri see him along the way and start chasing him.
“So, you’re leaving,” Saria said sadly.
“Yeah. The Deku Tree told me to right before he died.”
“THERE HE IS!!!” the Kokiri shouted.
“HEY YOU! Shoo, shoo! We’re having a good bye moment here! Some privacy, please!” Saria shouted at them.
All the Kokiri run away.
Saria clears her throat. “As I was saying, I will miss you…”
“Yeah. Can I go now? I should get to Hyrule Castle before sun down…”
“Not yet. I want to give this to you so you can always remember me.”
“I got the-” Link started with “DA NA NA NA” and went halfway, but it made a zipping noise. “Potato?”
“Yes. You can use it as an insturment. It will never get moldy or any of that stuff.”
“It sounds like a flute.”
“I know. Do you have any idea how long it took me to make it be able to do that?”
“No, I don’t. Now really, I must be on my way…”
“You’re trying to escape me, aren’t you…*Oh, you’re gone.”
Preview for next chapter: Link meets an owl named Kaepoopy Gaeburger, he dances at an arcade, and he meets the princess Zelda.
“What the heck? I thought I got the Gamecube special edition with only TWO games! Why is there this crazy thing added as well as Master Quest even though the cover didn’t show it!?” the guy wailed.
“Well, you should consider yourself lucky because you ended up with an extra one! It’s a crazy version of the game, and it’s called “Screwed up Quest!” the director told him. “Play it now!”
“But what about the other ones?”
“When it’s screwed up, it’s always more fun! So play it already!”
“Oh fine…”
The player started up “Ocarina of Time: Screwed up Quest”. The game began immediately…
In the land of Hyrule, there is a forest called the Kokiri Forest. There are kids here known as the Kokiri, and they stay short and young no matter how old they are. The guardian of the forest, known as the Deku Tree, guards the forest and children from evil. All the Kokiri wear green, and all have a fairy with them. Some of the Kokiri have hair covering their face, so the fairy must guide them or else they may leave the forest. Other Kokiri are just too crazy, so they must have a fairy to stop them from going crazy. However, there is a lazy boy named Link who does not have a fairy. Many times has he tried to leave the forest. Link was dreaming about fluffy pink bunnies and unicorns at the moment.
“Navi, Navi, where art thou? Come hither…” the Deku Tree called.
“What do you want? I have a strict schedule!” Navi informed.
“Navi, you must go bring Link here…”
“Then can I get out of here?”
“No, I also want you to be his fairy.”
Navi draws a machine gun. “You’re kidding, right?’
“Nope.”
Navi raises the gun toward the tree.
“If you shoot me, you die.”
“He, you’re just a tree. You can’t do a single thing to me.”
“Yes I can. I’m the guardian of the forest. I can make you disintegrate.”
Navi quickly puts the machine gun away. “Listen, why does the fairy have to be me?”
“Because you’re the most aggressive fairy ever. I am going to die soon.”
“GOOD.”
Navi fluttered off and into Link’s house.
“Hey you, wake up, you sleepy jerk,” Navi demanded. Link just turned his head and continued sleeping.
“HEY!!! THE DEKU TREE WANTS YOU THIS MOMENT!!!!”
“Fluffy pink bunnies and unicorns…” Link muttered in his sleep.
“GET UP OR I’LL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!”
Link shot up right away. “Uh what? What the heck are you?”
“A fairy.”
“OH MY GOSH!!!!!! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!!”
“Shut up and go to the Deku Tree. He wants you.”
“I don’t wanna…”
“Hey wait, I thought you were supposed to be speechless in all the Zelda games and did exactly as you were told.”
“Except for this one! It’s screwed up, isn’t it?”
“JUST GO SEE THE FREAKIN’ TREE ALREADY.”
“Nah, I wanna go get a few things first.”
“NO.”
“Why should I have to listen to you?”
“Because people have fairies to make sure they don’t go crazy!”
“I’m not crazy.”
Link walks off and wanders into Mido’s house who wasn’t home.
“This is why Kokiri should have doors on their houses,” Navi thought.
Link kicked open a chest.
“I got a rupee!” he sang with “DA NA NA NA” that was being played in the background.
“We really don’t have time for this,” Navi told him. “The Deku Tree wants you right away!”
“I got another rupee!”
“Get the heck out of here and see the stupid tree! This is called robbing, you know!”
“OH FINE!”
Link stomps out of the house and goes to the Deku Tree.
“What?” Link asked, annoyed.
“I am going to die soon,” the Deku Tree replied.
“And what does that have to do with me?”
“Since you are not crazy like the other Kokiri, I have chosen you to destroy the evil monster that cursed me.”
“Are you kidding? I couldn’t possibly do it without any weapon-”
Mido appears out of no where and throws Link out. “Darn it! I was sleeping on the job! You need a sword and shield before coming here in here!”
“That solves your problem,” Navi said.
“And where do I get those?”
“How should I know?”
“Let’s go through this little tunnel here.”
“Why?”
“Because the sign says that.”
“It’s probably a trick!”
“OH MY GOSH!!! IT’S A HUGE ROLLING BOULDER!!!!”
The boulder crashes into Link, stops, then rolls right through him.
“That was strange.”
“Oh my gosh! It’s a treasure chest! A big one!”
Link opens the treasure chest, holds his hands up, but nothing was there. All he heard was music coming from behind him.
Link and Navi turned around to see what was going on and…*Mario was dancing on top of the treasure chest.
“WHAT THE HECK!?” they both shouted at the top of their voices.
“Bye bye!” Mario said, like he does when you close your DS while play New Super Mario Bros.
“That was simply the weirdest thing that has ever happened in my life,” Link said.
“There’s something else in here!” Navi said.
“I got a sword!” Link sang with “DA NA NA NA”.
“Now you’ve got a sword so now you need to find a shield… Uh, what are you doing?”
“Hehe. The shop isn’t open, so I can get a shield.”
“Link, I’m telling the cops if you steal it.”
“There aren’t any cops in the Kokiri Forest.”
“Well there are surely people who own the shop, of course. They can prevent you from ever buying from it again!”
“Everyone’s crazy here except for me, so they obviously won’t notice. See? Mido’s right there and he can’t even hear us.”
“What if that’s because he’s too focused on guarding the path? And since he’s supposed to be in charge, I’ll tell him if you rob the store.”
“Mido in charge? He’s not REALLY in charge, he just thinks he is.”
“Did you make that up?”
“No. The Deku Tree said so.”
“Prove it once we can get in there.”
Link opens a window and jumps in, not realizing the window was high off the floor.
“Ouch.”
Link reaches for the shield and grabs it, but then the lights flash on and…
“INTRUDER ALERT!!!! HE’S ROBBING THE STORE!!!!” the Kokiri said.
A bunch of Kokiri starts chasing him and he jumps out the same window.
“I don’t have time for this! Mido, let me through NOW!!!”
“You robbed a store!? NO WAY!!!!”
Link draws his sword and starts stepping up to Mido.
“If you don’t let me through, then…” Link slides his hand across his neck.
Before Mido could say anything, Link pokes him very lightly and he faints.
“Isn’t that a little…*freaky?” Link told Navi.
“Nah, I get enough of that.”
“What tookest thou so long?”
“You weren’t talking like that before, you old tree,” Navi said.
“Shut up. Now tell me, what took you so long?”
“Didn’t you hear? Mido threw me out, told me to get a sword and shield. I got the sword, but Mario appeared, then left, then we got the sword, I went to the store that wasn’t opened, they caught me trying to steal a shield, we had to faint Mido in order to get in here, and that’s all.”
“That was the worst thing to say, EVER.”
“You stole a shield!? BURN HI-”
“Just tell me already what to do!!”
“The monster is inside me. You must go inside to-”
“He’s gone already.”
“THERE HE IS!!!!” the Kokiri shouted as they ran the opposite direction Link was running.
“AH!!!”
Link runs back to the Deku Tree.
“AS LONG AS IT WILL SAVE ME!!!!”
Link dives into the tree and Navi flies after him.
“Did he just…” one Kokiri started.
“Go inside the Deku Tree?” another added.
“Great Deku Tree! Aren’t you going to do something?!”
“No, because I told him to in the first place, but he didn’t want to, but then you guys found him and scared him in.”
All the Kokiri stood with their mouths hanging wide open.
“WHY HIM???” they all questioned loudly.
“None of your business.”
“That was close.” Link said.
“It was your idea to steal a shield in the first place.” Navi told him.
“Shut up.”
“You can’t tell me to shut up.”
“Wow, it’s a web!”
Navi rolls her eyes. “You’re that excited about something stupid?”
“Let’s go up the ladder and through this door.”
“Door? We’re in a tree!”
“Wow, it’s a chest! Wow, it’s a slingshot! I got a slingshot!” Link sang with “DA NA NA NA”.
“You’re being highly irksome right now.”
“Wow, it’s a spider!”
Navi says nothing, she just makes a “you are so annoying” face.
“Wow, it’s another spider!”
“SHUT UP.”
“Wow, the web is breaking!”
“IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME…”
“Wow, it’s a…*drain inside a tree?”
“I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE NOSE. HARD.”
“Wow it’s a… Okay, I’ll be quiet now.”
“Thank you.”
Link goes through a lot of puzzles inside the tree. It was surprising though, why would somebody put puzzles inside a tree and how?
“The room is empty and foggy. What do we do now? The door is locked behind me,” Link said.
“What if there’s something on the ceiling?” Navi told him.
Link looked up. “There’s not going to be anything there- OH MY GOSH!!!!!”
A huge creature in the shape of a spider crawled around on the ceiling. It had a huge eye.
Parasitic Armored Arachnid
GOHMA
Age: It doesn’t have an age, it’s just the queen of little Gohmas
Favorite Food: Wood from Deku Tree
Favorite Color: Pink
Weak Spot: It’s eye
“All that helped there was the Weak Spot,” Link muttered.
“Shut up and kill it before it kills you!” Navi yelled.
“RAW!!! I SHALL CURSE YOU AND MAKE YOU DIE!!!!!” Gohma said.
“Why curse? Why can’t you just kill me instead of cursing me?” Link asked.
“Idiot,” Navi told him.
“Nuh uh.”
Link gets out his slingshot and shoots the Gohma in the eye, causing it to fall from the ceiling, stunned.
“Slice away!” he said and started slicing the eye of the Gohma, somehow not finding it disgusting at all.
“NOO!!! I’M DEAD!!!” Gohma screamed and exploded into blue blood.
“And that’s how it’s done.”
“I didn’t ask you to show me. Now get your face into the blue light and get out of here.”
Link walks into the blue light and appears in front of the Deku Tree.
“NO! You killed the wrong monster! That monster was my pet!” the Deku Tree shouted.
“Then how come it tried to kill me?”
“Because my pet it a retardly stupid. You took way to long…*I am afraid the curse is already killing me. I will die in several minutes. I will tell you a story before I die.”
“Wow! I love storytime!”
“Link. A long, long, time ago, before the world existed, three goddesses that were fully gold flew around helplessly. Din, the goddess of power, Nayru, the goddess of wisdom, and Farore, the goddess of courage. But then, one day, they decided to make the world. With her flaming arms, Din created the world’s shape. Nayru, who was very smart, poured her wisdom onto the world and created things, such as the sku and water. Farore created life on the world. When they were done, they all crashed into each other, and formed the Triforce and headed back to heaven.”
“Was that supposed to help me?”
“Yes. Now, Link, you are very special. You can leave the forest without dying. Now, please take this stone to the Princess of Hyrule. She is at Hyrule Castle.”
“I got the sparkling shiny green stone!” Link sang with “DA NA NA NA”.
“Kokiri Emerald, L-…” the Deku Tree said, but died before he could finished his sentance.
“FINALLY!” Navi screamed.
“Now let’s get out of here!”
Link rushes outside the forest. Kokiri see him along the way and start chasing him.
“So, you’re leaving,” Saria said sadly.
“Yeah. The Deku Tree told me to right before he died.”
“THERE HE IS!!!” the Kokiri shouted.
“HEY YOU! Shoo, shoo! We’re having a good bye moment here! Some privacy, please!” Saria shouted at them.
All the Kokiri run away.
Saria clears her throat. “As I was saying, I will miss you…”
“Yeah. Can I go now? I should get to Hyrule Castle before sun down…”
“Not yet. I want to give this to you so you can always remember me.”
“I got the-” Link started with “DA NA NA NA” and went halfway, but it made a zipping noise. “Potato?”
“Yes. You can use it as an insturment. It will never get moldy or any of that stuff.”
“It sounds like a flute.”
“I know. Do you have any idea how long it took me to make it be able to do that?”
“No, I don’t. Now really, I must be on my way…”
“You’re trying to escape me, aren’t you…*Oh, you’re gone.”
Preview for next chapter: Link meets an owl named Kaepoopy Gaeburger, he dances at an arcade, and he meets the princess Zelda.