I want to focus on getting a cosplay done but I also want to focus on getting a job but I also want to focus on fiance/friendships but I also want to read [out of books atm] but I also want to be affectionate to animals in my new household but I also want to do something artistic.
At school, I feel really cocky and self-superior around my friends and other classmates, and even though I don't act like that, it bothers me that I can even look down on and belittle them in such a way. It makes me feel sick that I can place myself on a higher level than them, even if it's only in my head. That makes me feel really uncomfortable when I'm with my friends at school or at other places.
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, when I'm on ZD, I feel inferior and worthless compared to everyone else. Not like it's something wrong with me, but it's just that everybody here is so completely awesome and intelligent, and I'm... not as much. And because I have such a great self-imposed sense of inferiority, I sometimes can't even work up the courage to talk to a lot of members here because I view myself as, like... a fly compared to them.
And there's no middle ground... There's no place I have to go where I can feel equal to everybody else. It's either my school friends, or my ZD friends. I have some other random friends scattered in between, but I don't get the chance to hang out with them as often. I guess I simply have issues with my self-image.
But what if I don't have issues with my self-image? What if everybody my age feels like this, and true self-image and self-esteem issues are something far beyond what I've ever experienced? What if I'm just a complete idiot? What if... I wake up one day, as a five-year-old, and realize that the past seven years of my life were all just a dream, and that I have to relive those years all over again? That is a thought beyond horrifying.
I really like the song "She's Actual Size" and I always thought John Linnell sang it but then I was listening to it, and I was like "This doesn't actually sound like John Linnell...". And then I realized it was actually sung by John Flansburgh, and I had a mini existential crisis because everything I had ever known was actually a lie.
I've been dealing with a lot of **** lately, so I just have a major lack of taking anything seriously as a method of coping... and apparently that has pissed off a lot of people on this forum. So, now I'm instinctively trying to numb the guilt of hurting people with more nonsense, and it's probably just going to make my relations with them worse. I'm just... so disconnected from my feelings right now, and I really don't want to have to deal with them.