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General Art The Tracelium Charm

Chilfo Freeze

Emma Jean Stone
This is the prologue to my story. I only have had a few people sign up as of right now, but I'm so eager to get this out there! I haven't written any fiction since the end of my school year, so I really do hope that you all enjoy it and what's next to come as well! I'm not sure if I'll keep this title or not, but as of right now I like it.

Prologue

"Mommy! Are you done yet? I wanna see!" Narinia sat on the stool of her mother's vanity, impatiently waiting for her to come out of the dressing room. She swung her feet and tapped her fingers, every second more agitating than the last. She loved her mother so very much, and she loved her even more when she dressed up. Seeing her mother in glorious dresses and stunning jewelry always made her want to grow up faster. That way, she could be just like her mother and attend the ball as well.

"Alright, sweetie. I'm coming," her mother said from the other side of the door. Narinia jumped off the stool and ran to the door. It swung open and her mother stepped out and walked to the vanity mirror. The material of the dress was delicate, the deep red chiffon sashaying from her waist to the floor. Above, her corset wrapped neatly and tightly around her torso, working its way to her open back, where two strings met in a darling little bow. The deep "v" neckline accented her bosom, making her look so very feminine. Her diamond earrings dangled sweetly, matching the small diamonds placed strategically within her updo. Her mother's brown hair was swept up into a work of art. Not a strand was out of place. She stood in front of the mirror and admired herself, then looked down at Narinia with adoring eyes. "What do you think?"

Narinia gazed at her mother with pride. No other mother could ever compare to her beauty. "Mommy, you're pretty," she said as she gave her a heartwarming hug. The mother hugged back, closing her eyes and savoring the moment. They then seperated, and the mother reached up into her hair and pulled out a single diamond pin. She then placed it in her daughter's hair carefully, and when she pulled back, she smiled. Narinia sighed a happy sigh as both heard someone call to them from downstairs.

"It's time for me to go," her mother said as she grabbed her daughter's hand and walked down to the foyer. Narinia hadn't heard what her mother said; she was still admiring her. All the way down the stairs and into the foyer, Narinia didn't once take her eyes off of her mother. She was simply awestruck.

"Miss Montunaye, your carriage awaits." The butler sweeped his hand in a grand gesture towards the carriage outside. Narinia then realized that her mother indeed was leaving for the ball, and she hastily gave her one more hug.

"I love you, mommy," she said, squeezing her eyes tight, trying not to let loose a tear. Despite her efforts, one lone tear happened to escape, and Narinia quickly wiped it away. She looked up into her mother's eyes.

"You be good tonight. You will see me tomorrow." She gave her daughter a swift kiss on the forehead, a pat on the head, and headed out the door, her heels clicking the whole way. The door shut and Narinia stood where she was, staring at the closed door.

That was the last time she ever saw her mother.


End of Prologue
 
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The Nahobino

Nahobino
Joined
Aug 18, 2009
Location
My Fantasy World
Gender
Entity
Awesome, Bellossom! Hey, this is well written, Chilfo. Good job. ;) It's a small prologue but you did let us know something important at the end, and that makes for a good cliffhanger because we--as readers--are wondering what happened to Narinia's mom.
 

Azure Sage

Spread Smiles!
Staff member
ZD Legend
Comm. Coordinator
I'm pretty impressed. I love your detail; I could clearly picture the mother's beauty as I read. I also really like how you described the way Narinia felt about her mother. That was a very nice cliffhanger ending, too! I really like this so far. You're a great writer! ^-^
 

Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
Mar 22, 2012
Location
Nevada Test Site
Woo! Chilfo you have alot more readers than I do! How'd you get so popular?! lolz kidding c:

Anyways, I quiet like this, its different than any other prologue I've read. Most prologues I read start out with action scenes, but this, it was simple but you left a good cliff hanger! c: I love this. I cannot wait to see with you do with Wolf c:
 

Chilfo Freeze

Emma Jean Stone
This was pretty good! I really like the detail you put into everything. :nod: Can't wait for chapter one. ^^

Thank you! I like to pride myself on the fact that I am much more attentive to detail than the average writer. Description and detail make a story much clearer for the reader, and I wish never to lack that. :) Chapter one will be coming out soon!

Awesome, Bellossom! Hey, this is well written, Chilfo. Good job. ;) It's a small prologue but you did let us know something important at the end, and that makes for a good cliffhanger because we--as readers--are wondering what happened to Narinia's mom.

Again, thanks so much! It's my very first fanfic. I've only written short blogs, essays, personal responses, etc., but this is something I just recently found that I enjoy doing! As for the prologue, I just wanted to give a little bit of a background for the main character before diving into the real deal. ;)

This is a great beginning :nod:. Nice cliffhanger! I can't wait for more.

Gotta love cliffhangers - keeps you suckers reading! ;) Only kidding (maybe), but thanks so much for the compliment!

I'm pretty impressed. I love your detail; I could clearly picture the mother's beauty as I read. I also really like how you described the way Narinia felt about her mother. That was a very nice cliffhanger ending, too! I really like this so far. You're a great writer! ^-^

Ah, detail. Like I said to Rainy - it's my thing. I'm pleased that you could get a good image of the mother; that's what I was going for! I'm glad you're impressed. I don't think I've had anyone actually say that for my writing before, so thank you!

Woo! Chilfo you have alot more readers than I do! How'd you get so popular?! lolz kidding c:

Anyways, I quiet like this, its different than any other prologue I've read. Most prologues I read start out with action scenes, but this, it was simple but you left a good cliff hanger! c: I love this. I cannot wait to see with you do with Wolf c:

Oh, pffft. First, I ain't popular. Second, your fanfic is pretty dang good. That reminds me, I need to read up on that!

I wanted to have a unique start to my story. I've always seen very action-y prologues, and yet I didn't want to do that. I figured a more emotional start would capture an audience just as much as a prologue with fights, gore, etc. And don't worry, I will make good use of Wolf.

To all who have read: Thanks so much for taking your time to read my story! Chapter one will be coming soon. :)
 

Chilfo Freeze

Emma Jean Stone
Alright people, here we go! I'm diving into the deep, dark abyss that is known as my first fan-fic... let's see how it plays out. :P

Also, I'm gonna go with a PG-10 rating, due to some mild language.

Chapter One

"YOU GET IN THERE, AND YOU STAY THERE, DAMNIT!"

Her uncle shoved her so hard into her bedroom, she fell harshly, the joints in her hands and knees knocking against the cold, dusty hardwood floor. Narinia's hair fell in front of her face as her diamond pin flopped out of place. She turned around to watch her step-uncle stand in the doorway. By this time, Narinia was no longer afraid of her step-uncle emotionally, just physically. She wasn't hurt by what he said, but definitely by what he did.

"DAMN. Sometimes I just can't catch a break with you!" He looked at her with dead gray eyes. He then stalked up to her and ripped the diamond pin from her head, taking some hair with it. Narinia siezed up in pain and clutched at her head. She realized that it was her diamond pin from her sacred mother.

"Give me that back! It was my mother's!" Narinia stood up in front of her step-uncle, demanding repossesion of the pin. The step-uncle smirked, winded his hand back, and slapped her hard across the cheek.

"Heh. It ain't hers anymore, is it?" He watched Narinia collapse to the ground, her hand covering her quickly-reddening cheek. He tossed the pin up and down in his hand as he walked out of her room. He slammed the door, announcing to Narinia that once again, he had won.

Narinia sat on the floor rubbing her cheek. Her eyes grazed the floor, searching for nothing in particular. Oh, how she wished she could have her mother back again. She would have never ended up working as a lowly maid for her aunt and step-uncle. At the thought of this, she became angry and gained strength to stand up. She walked over to her cot in the corner of the bedroom, sat, and began to gaze out of the window.

It was dusk. The sun threatened to steal the light from Narinia; to bring her spiraling back into the darkness in which she lived. From her window, she could see the street she lived on; a merchant street with many markets and shoppes. Her step-uncle owned one below her bedroom. It was a jewelry shoppe, and both him and her aunt worked to refurbish old jewelry in order to sell it again to willing customers. No wonder he took my pin, Narinia thought to herself, cursing her step-uncle like so many times before.

A knock on the glass of her window breaks her out of her reverie. Narinia is surprised to see Hanna in a crouched position, waiting for her to open the window. Narinia smiles and opens the latch, grateful to see Hanna there.

"Shh, quiet! I just got thrown in here," Narinia admonishes Hanna for her loud entrance. Hanna throws her hand forward nonchalantly, blowing it off.

"Hey, don't worry about it." To make Narinia feel better, she kept her voice low. "What do you say we get outta here - walk around the town a bit? You haven't been out in ages." Hanna looked Narinia up and down, scrutinizing her raggedy clothing. Narinia shrugged in response, not too sure. "Oh, come on. I'll get you back in time so that you won't have any trouble." Narinia raised her eyebrow at her. "Promise!"

"Okay, okay! Yeesh, you always get too hasty at the wrong times!" Narinia looked at her bedrom door with a bit of reluctance. She then rolled her eyes and waved for Hanna to take the lead and go ahead out the window. Hanna smiled broadly and leaped outside. She gave Narinia her hand, helping her to leave the place that she so desperately needed to leave. Once on the roof, Hanna pointed to a small shop at the edge of the street.

"Over there. I wanna take you to this quaint place. It's got gadgets and trinkets that you'll adore." Hanna smiled again in Narinia's direction, taking her hand and leading her across the rooftops. As they made their way, Narinia searched the market street for anyone else she knew- oh, who was she kidding. She hadn't seen the light of day enough to even know anyone else but her aunt, wicked step-uncle and Hanna. She frowned at the thought.

The two girls climbed down the ladder on the side of an olde home, the steps threatening to give way. They made it safely down and crossed the street. They entered the small shoppe - a little bell at the top of the wooden door signaled their arrival. The girls gaped at all of the trinkets that covered every inch of the shoppe. The dim lighting within made the shoppe look even smaller than it really was, casting a sleek shadow over all of the figurines and gizmos.

"Greetings," said a voice from behind a glass counter. Narinia was surprised and caught sight of the man first; taller than the average man, short, almost-cropped black hair and deep, dark eyes that seemed to descend into nothing. She kept her mouth shut then peeked at Hanna - oh yes, Hanna had caught sight of him as well.

"Hi," Hanna said first, almost with a bit of distaste. "We're just here to look around." She made no eye contact with the man. Narinia was a different story. The man intrigued her, so she stepped up to look in the display case within the glass counter.

"Anything you may be interested in, miss?" The man said in a smooth voice. Narinia looked up, locking eyes with the dark abyss once again. She squinted a tiny bit, then looked away, glancing back down at the display case full of trinkets.

"Um, not at the moment," Narinia managed to say. The man then stepped back from the counter and leaned against the back wall, crossing his arms. He was very mysterious to her, and she wanted to know more. Ironically, she didn't even know his name.

"You ready to go?" Hanna said in her ear, startling her from the trance she was in. Narinia glanced at the man, then at Hanna.

"Yes, let's go." Narinia joined Hanna as they walked out of the shoppe. The bell rang once again, but this time signaling their departure.

"Narinia. What was that?" Hanna asked her as they walked closely together. Hanna felt the need to whisper for some reason. "I have been in there before, and I have never seen him. He must be new."

"I couldn't tell you. I've never seen him before either," Narinia walked in a daze, not sure of the experience herself. Who was that man, and why had he been so aloof? Was he really that way, or did Narinia imagine it?

"Pfft, I'll say," Hanna responded, referring to Narinia's quick interest in him upon entering the shoppe. Narinia glared at her, then smirked, knowing full-well that Hanna was joking.

The girls walked down the merchant street a bit longer, momentarily forgetting their experience in the shoppe. Narinia had to go back. Sooner or later - or for her, sooner rather than later.
 
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Azure Sage

Spread Smiles!
Staff member
ZD Legend
Comm. Coordinator
This was an excellent chapter. It's very detailed, just like the last one. I can't get over how well you write! I feel really bad for Narinia, too. Poor girl. Curse her evil, wicked step-uncle!! I'm curious to know what exactly happened to her mother, so I'm hoping that's revealed soon. Keep up the excellent work. Chilfo! I can't wait to read more! ^-^
 

Chilfo Freeze

Emma Jean Stone
This was an excellent chapter. It's very detailed, just like the last one. I can't get over how well you write! I feel really bad for Narinia, too. Poor girl. Curse her evil, wicked step-uncle!! I'm curious to know what exactly happened to her mother, so I'm hoping that's revealed soon. Keep up the excellent work. Chilfo! I can't wait to read more! ^-^

Thank you! I'm happy you feel that way about the step-uncle - that's what I was aiming for. ;) No worries, her mother's fate will be revealed soon enough. I will continue to work on writing!

This was great! :D I really love your detail with everything. And my character showed up! <3 Can't wait for more!

Yes! I loved the way that Hanna turned out. I'm glad I wrote about her the way that I did. :)

Amazing. :clap: :clap: :clap: And I'm not even sacastic clapping! I enjoyed it, and can't wait to learn more!

Why, thank you! More will be coming soon :)

Oh my gosh that was beautiful c: Very well done. I can't wait for more!!

Oh, shucks. Thanks!

To all who read: Chapter two (or chapter one - part two... I haven't decided) will be released this weekend! Thank you!
 

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