• Welcome to ZD Forums! You must create an account and log in to see and participate in the Shoutbox chat on this main index page.

The Official ZD Jokes Thread

Vanessa28

Angel of Darkness
Staff member
ZD Legend
Administrator
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Location
Yahtzee, Supernatural
Gender
Angel of Darkness
A wife is at work and sends her husband a text message. "if you's sleeping, tell me your dreams and I will dream them with you If you're laughing, explain to me what's so funny and I'm going to laugh with you. If you're in pain, squeeze my hand and I'll carry your pain for you. If you're crying, lay your head on my shoulder and I'm going to cry with you." The husband replies: "I'm sitting on the toilet. Any advice?"
 

Dio

~ It's me, Dio!~
Joined
Jul 6, 2011
Location
England
Gender
Absolute unit
I was speaking to this girl the other day. She said I was handsome, intelligent and creative and wondered why I was still single. So I told her...

I'm over qualified.
 

Kingwobbly

Kingwu.
Joined
Feb 16, 2015
I have a friend who used to love tractors. He was 25 but he had actor models, plush tractors, tractor headphones and even tractor bed sheets. He was single and lived with his mum because he spent all his money on tractor mercy, so he didn't have enough to move out. For his birthday one year, me and a couple of mates decided to buy him a 'tractor experience day'. Where he could go to this farm and was taught how to drive a tractor. He absolutely loved it, and at the end, the farmer said since he did so well, he could have an extra half hour by himself on. The farm in the tractor.
Unfortunately, he managed to drive the tractor into a ditch and ended up breaking his leg and bruising his ribs pretty badly. After he got out of hospital he threw all his tractor stuff away. I ess he felt that tractors had betrayed his life long admiration. Anyway, a couple of months later he had moved out into his own place and he was on a date with a lovely young woman. The date was going pretty well, they seemed to have a lot in common. They were at a bar and there were a bunch of guys smoking (this was before the smoking ban) and his date said "ugh, I hate when people smoke when I'm trying to eat" so my mate said "Don't worry, I'll sort this out."
He walked over to the men, took a deep deep breath and inhaled all of the smoke in the room, then he went outside and exhaled, letting all he smoke out. When he took a seat, all eyes were on him. "How did you do that?" His date asked, awestruck.
"Oh, did I forget to mention? I'm an ex-tractor fan."
 

Spiritual Mask Salesman

CHIMer Dragonborn
Staff member
Comm. Coordinator
Site Staff
The year was 1834, a young Native American boy walked into his father's tipi.

“Father, Father! Why do we have weird names?” the boy asked.
“It is like this son. When your sister was born I saw a deer running, so I named her running deer. When your older brother was born I saw a eagle flying, so I named him flying eagle. Why do you ask, Pooping dog?” the father replied.
 

Dio

~ It's me, Dio!~
Joined
Jul 6, 2011
Location
England
Gender
Absolute unit
There's a sign above the door where I work that says “once you go black you never come back”

You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.
 

Jirohnagi

Braava Braava
Joined
Feb 18, 2010
Location
Soul Sanctum
Gender
Geosexual
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
 

Jirohnagi

Braava Braava
Joined
Feb 18, 2010
Location
Soul Sanctum
Gender
Geosexual
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 

Beauts

Rock and roll will never die
Joined
Jun 15, 2012
Location
London, United Kingdom
Noted hitman Jimmy 'Two Shoes' McClairdy told a story about how he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain ornaments. This may be the first official known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom