Zelda's_Child
~Insert Epicness Here~
- Joined
- May 15, 2010
- Location
- Wherever I want to be
Haha, another great chapter from you three. Happy 15th, John!! Hope the two little ones didn't bug you too much. 
Zelda Art The Legend of Zelda: ........Lozoot?
- Thread starter Chiraku
- Start date
Chpt 18: “Just a passing through Master swordsman... oboeteoke*!!”
*Remember that!
John winced in his sleep as a drop of water fell on his face, followed by another. His thoughts began to drift back to the night before. As the lights in Jabu-Jabu’s stomach began to fade, most likely due to Jabu-Jabu falling asleep, James was persistent on finding a place to bunk for the night. Though the others were very much against it, they decided to find the driest place in the whole body just; outside the digestion process. Now, most likely in the morning, with his face getting dribbled on again and again, John begins to see why the others where so eager to give him this spot.
John groaned and pulled himself up, wiped the water from his face and rubbed his eyes. As his vision cleared up, the first thing he saw were two black eyes, and the unmistakable smell of dog-breath. He drew back a little and saw that he was face-to-face with a dog. A medium sized, fairly old, German Shepard-patterned, mongrel dog.
“Spot?!” John asked. The dog’s tail began to wag as if in answer. “Hey there, boy!” John said as he got up and began to pet the dog. “Who’s-a-good-boy? Who’s-a-good-boy?” John said vigorously as he vigorously rubbed the dog.
“Knock it off!” James groaned half-asleep.
“No-no-no! Not to you!” John snapped.
“ ‘Not to you’... Yeah right... I bet... ‘Not to you?’ “ James asked, beginning to wake up. “Then who are you talking to?!” James got up and turned to John. “...John? Who’s the dog?” He asked quietly. “And how on earth did he get in here?!”
“Oh come on? Don’t tell me you don’t recognize him!” John said as the dog began to happily jump at him.
“Steven,” James said as he knelt down to where Steve lay. “Steven!” James shouted as he shook his brother awake.
“Hu... wha...?” Steve asked as he sat up and looked around in a daze.
“Can you tell us who that dog--”
“Oh, Hey Spot!” Steve said immediately. James stood in confusion.
“Spot?” he asked. “What’s he doin’ here?”
“Think!” John said. “Where we last night?”
“...I don’t know, I lost track after spending the night at the ranch,” James said.
“I mean for REAL!” John said. “I’ll tell you where we were; a dry bed, a dry house, and a nice modern world with nice table-fans for air! And who was with us that night?”
“...I dunno---” James began.
“SPOT!” John shouted. “He was with us last night! He must’ve heard us talking and came here to lozoot with us!” Once again there was silence.
“I should be mad for you using the dream-world physics like this,” James said. “But now... WHO’S-A-GOOD-BOY?” James said as he began to pet Spot. Spot happily began to wag his tail. He didn’t understand where he was, but his people where there, and as the dog’s number one principal, he’s to stay with his owners...what did you expect me to write? Well do you know what the dog’s thinkin’? Back to the story! James began to play with and pet Spot.
“Who’s a good boy?” James asked.
“I’m a good boy!!”
“Yeah that’s right, you’re a good-- AAH!!” The three boys screamed. James willed himself to stay calm, and knelt down to Spot. “Did you hear something, boy?” he asked in a syrupy voice.
“No did you?” The boy’s mouths dropped open.
“Spotty, boy? D-did you just talk?” John asked.
“Huh? What?” The boy’s eyes popped open. “Wait! You can understand me?!”
“......--THAT IS SO AWESOME!!--” They all exclaimed.
“What’s awesome?!” Zelda asked as she and Malon were awoken. The two froze at the site of the dog.
“Aww... it’s a cute little puppy!” Malon cued as she and Zelda ran up to spot.
“Don’t call me a pup!” Spot barked. The girl’s froze in surprise. “I’m old enough to be your grandpa!”
“Is he single?!” Impa asked as she woke up. She stared at the dog. “Who’s the dog?”
“Not single,” Spot answered. Impa froze.
“...Oh My Gosh!” she shouted as she got up. “Wait! How can a dog not be single?!”
“I got a mate and pups at home!” Spot said. “Well, except for Ivory, ‘cause you know, he’s... taller than me... But anyway! What’s goin on?! And why does this place smell like a swimmer?” Spot asked.
“A what?!” The boy’s asked.
“You know,” Spot said. “They swim in water, have little clear wings on their top and bottom, they’re shaped like flat rocks...”
“Fish?” James asked.
“You call the way you want, and I’ll do mine,” Spot said proudly.
“How do you know they’re called fish?” John asked.
“I don’t know! I feel like I’m dreamin’!!” Spot said in confusion. “But usually when I’m dreamin, the only thing that’s missing is a really big swimmer.”
“Wha’s goin’ on?!” Ruto asked as she got up. Spot immediately set his eyes on her.
“Oh... swimmer...” he said as if he was in a trance. Spot began to circle Ruto before lunging at her.
“--Get him away from me!!!” Ruto screamed as she ran from Spot.
“Bad Spot!” James called. “Sit Spot! Don’t eat the fishy...”
***
The boys stalked the caverns carefully, straining not to miss any sign of Ruto.
“Why are we goin’ down here anyway?!” Spot groaned.
“You chased Ruto away!!” James snapped. “We have to find her before she gets herself into trouble!”
“She couldn’t have gone that far...” Spot said with his ears down.
“She broke the 50mph record before we stopped you!! I’ll be amazed if she stopped running by now!”
“Aiiiiiiie!!” Screaming broke out from somewhere in the caverns.
“I think we found her!” John said as he led them into another room. The room was largely empty, save for the giant tendril hanging from the ceiling, with Ruto in it!!
“Oh boy,” James said as he watched Ruto struggle.
“Whaddya waitn’ for?!” New year’s?!” Ruto called.
“Well actually, I was kinda…” John began.
“GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!!” Ruto screamed.
“Okay fine, since you asked so kindly!” John said as he drew his sword.
“Let me handle this!” James said as he drew his sword and ran for the tentacle.
“N-no! Wait!” Steve called. Too late.
“AAAAH!!!” James let out a loud scream as he was electrocuted with energy by the tentacle. James struggled back, crackling with energy.
“I tried to warn you,” Steve said. James didn’t respond, he just fell to the ground. Spot began to sniff James before turning to the tentacle, snarling.
“I’ll get’ ya for that!!!” Spot growled as he lunged at the tentacle.
“Here we go again,” Steve said as he covered his eyes.
“GAAAAAH!!” You can guess the outcome.
“Now what do we do?!” Zelda asked.
“Simple,” John said as he began to whittle his boomerang.
“Oh, I can’t believe that you’re standing there…” Zelda was lost for words for a moment. Malon: “Whittle--” Zelda: “Whittling, while our only key to the sapphire is in the tendril of a sick fish!!” John continued to whittle. “Oh come on!!” Zelda said in disgust. “You know, I used to think that you were the smartest of the three!” James groaned angrily.
Oh, so you think this idea won’t work?” John asked. “Alright Zelda, let’s make this more interesting, if I’m able to do this, you owe me, a kiss!” John said. James, still on the ground from the zapping, grabbed Zelda’s arm.
“Don’t do it!” he moaned. “He’s a terrible kisser!”
“A kiss on the cheek!” John finished.
“He doesn’t wash his face?” James endeavored. The answer was step on the back from Impa.
“No one, touches royal hands, unless they’re proposing, or in your case, asking for execution!!” Impa threatened.
“Alright,” Zelda said. “But if your not able to, then… then… then…” Impa dashed behind John and began making frantic gestures that translates: ‘John!’ ‘Kill!’ ‘Get!’ ‘Out!’ . “If I win the bet…” Zelda continued. “You have to kiss me!” Impa gave up.
“Deal!” John said.
“What’s takin’ so long?! GET ME DOWN!!!” Ruto screamed.
“Oh, alright, fine!” John said as he held up his sharpened boomerang. He carefully took aim, then threw the boomerang at the tendril, swiping off the bottom chunk, then slicing of the top on the returning trip.
“What perfect aim,” Zelda said dreamily.
“That’s nothing!” Impa said haughtily. “I can swipe a man’s heads right off of his shoulders with one shuriken!”
“Don’t care…” Zelda responded.
“You used to love me boasting like that!” Impa said.
“That was when I didn’t know the word ‘no’!” Zelda replied.
“Great!” Steve exclaimed. “Ruto’s down!”
“AAAAAAH!!!”
“And falling…!!!!” Steve quickly added.
“Quick!” John exclaimed. “Someone catch her—nah.” John said as he walked away.
“Whaddya mean ‘nah’?!” James cried. If she dies, there goes the sapphire and the kingdom will have our boulders!” Everyone paused. “It’s goron slang for head!”
“Ah! Head…boulder…” everyone began to murmur.
“RUTO!!” Steve reminded.
“Oh right, ah!!” James and Steve began to run in random directions trying to catch Rutp. Spot who didn’t know what was going on began to join in what he though was a game.
“I gotcha!” “No I just missed you!” He barked as he pranced around the boys.
“Aw… he’s so cute!” The girls said lovingly. “Spot ran over to the girls as they began to pet and scratch him behind the ears. “Oh… I love it when they coo…”
“I think I got her!!” *thump!*Guess who caught her.
“Put me down!!” Ruto growled (she was blushing).
“Steve! You caught her!” James exclaimed.
“Get her off!!!” Steve said quickly as he let her go and ran away.
“OOF!!”
“Hand sanitizer! Hand Sanitizer!!” Steve cried.
“He doesn’t like fish,” James whispered to Malon.
“He shouldn’t have done that,” John whispered to James. “She loves it when people actually listen to her, even if it’s painful!” James froze.
“Wait, are you implying that Ruto might fall for Steve?” James whispered back. “I always thought it would be you since, you know.” John shook his head.
“Let’s get a move on before Steve figures out.”
***
The boys eventually came into a large circular room with a large platform in the middle, and a sparkling blue crystal on it!!
“That’s it!” Ruto screamed. She ran for the platform. “That’s the sapphire!!” She jumped on and grabbed the gem. “Yes! YESYESYES!! Now we can leave right away—“ The platform flew into a hole in the ceiling with incredible speed before coming back down. The boys ran over and stood in awe. Ruto was gone.
“She’s gone…” Malon said quietly.
“I think I might... not... actually miss her,” John added. Long pause. “Let’s see where it leads to!!” Everyone began to jump on. “Women and children first!” John called as Impa walked by. “No no! Not you!” John said quickly as he shoved her back and let Spot pass.
“Are you implying that I’m not a woman?!” Impa growled.
“Correction,” John said. “Obaa-san!” Impa grabbed John by the scruff.
“Don’t think me illiterate to the ancient lip, boy!” she growled. “I was there when it was written!” Everyone’s mouth dropped open. “That came out wrong, didn’t it?” Everyone nodded.
“Wait a sec,” Spot said. “You’re holding my boy… Imma going to bite ya!”
“Ah! Get it off!” Impa cried.
“Aw, he so loyal,” the girls cooed.
“Really?!” Impa growled as she jumped on as the platform lifted up. Soon enough, they were out of the room. But then an opening appeared in the wall and out jumped a giant octorock.
“I am here, vile intruders!!” It bellowed. “Feel the wrath of the giant--- aw phooey, they’re gone! The contract said that there would be intruders! …The G-man lied!”
***
When the platform came to a stop, the group entered a room with a giant wall that lead to a door, where a web of tentacles seemed to be coming from.
“That must be where the root of the problem is!” James said as he began to run to it, but then he stopped at a familiar sound, lizalfos laughing. “Oh, no,” he said as he jumped out of the way just in time as a Liazalfos jumped down. Then came another.
“Look, it’s the cry-baby-boy!” one of them cackled.
“Cry-baby-boy…You!!!” James exclaimed. The lizalfos began to circle the group. James put on a brave face. “It’s the gecko men from outer-space!” he said with a laugh. The Lizalfos jumped back in offense.
“How can someone of your intelligence say such a thing like that?!” he demanded.
“Are you calling us dumb?!” John demanded.
‘No, dumb is such an understatement!” The Lizalfos said. “The word for you, is Stupid.”
“Mom said use your words!” The first Lizalfos growled.
“Mom’s in a nursing home, DEAL with it!” the second one relplied. John got the others into a huddle.
“These guys look like they have issues, so I’m gonna try something!” he whispered. “So,” he said as he turned around. “Since we found you in the last dungeon, are you losers supposed to be dungeon protectors?” The two Lizalfos looked at each other.
“…Yes,” one said. “In fact, we were elected official dungeon peacekeepers!”
“Yes,” the other began. “We find temples very peaceful after they’ve been destroyed!”
“You fool!” The first one said as he slapped the other. “That was supposed to be a secret!”
“Here’s another secret! Mom likes me best!!”
“That’s untrue! She likes me best! She told me!”
“No she didn’t! That was in your dream-world after you ate that bad burrito!!”
“WAIT!!!” The lizalfos screamed. They looked around and saw that the party was long gone.
“…OH SNAP!!” The lizalfos began to run in crazy directions, looking all over for the group.
“Hey, are you two brothers?” The lizalfos turned to see John all alone.
“Well, actually, some think that fatso here was born first, but in fact, we were both incubated at the same time,” on began.
“Uh-uh! I was ten seconds before you!!”
“Let’s not get into details!!” the first spat back. “Can’t you see I’m trying to help the--” He looked and saw that John was gone.
“—Gone again!!”
“We stink at our Job!!”
“…Look! A corridor!” One said. ‘”They couldn’t have gone far! You take one end, I take the other!” One round-about later. The two Lizalfos met eachother. “WHAT?” One exclaimed. “But there were only two ends! Where’d they go?!” The two Lizalfos turned at the sound of a footstep to see Spot.
“Oh… wall climbers…” Spot said dreamily.
The party looked on in utter horror as a battle ensued.
“Don’t you think we should tell him that he should say gecko and not wall climber?” James asked. *Crack!!* “Ooh, never mind, youch!” *Shing!* Everyone gasped at the sound of a sword slice.
“That Lizalfos should watch where he points his sword!” John said in amazement. “I don’t know if his bro’s spine will ever get back into order!” The violence began to increase to the point that Impa began to gag at the sight of it.
“Oh I gotcha! I gotcha! Oh I just missed ya!” Spot barked as he fought. After another minute, John began to clap his hands as he called;
“Alright, good boy! Come back!” Spot walked away from the collapsed Lizalfos.
“They don’t pay us enough for this…!” one moaned.
“You said that a last time!” the other moaned back.
“Well I’m saying it again, they don’t pay us enough for this!”
“…Alright,” James said a little nervously. “Let’s get a move on before they get up again!” The party began to run from the Lizalfos and down the corridor.
“In here!” Steve said as they ran into another room. “This is perfect!” he said. “There’s an open door to just walk through, and there’s nothing here but a bunch of enemies hiding behind those lumps!” “…Uh-Oh.”
***
The party didn’t say a word as they were indignantly dragged by a bunch of baris down the corridor.
“Please tell me they’re not taking us to the room where all the tentacles are coming from!” James whined.
“They’re not taking us to the room where all the tentacles are coming from,” Malon said as she rolled her eyes.
“Will ya hush up back there?!” one of the Baris squealed. “We’re takin you to the room where all the tentacles are coming from!”
“Room where the tentacles are coming from ...” James said. “That is a long title!”
“OH SHUSH UP!” everyone else called.
“Jellyfish,” Spot mumbled. “Why’d it have to be Jellyfish… what the heck is a Jelly fish?! Am I a jellyfish?” Spot looked up. “Are you a jellyfish?”
“No, I’m a fairy,” was his reply. Spot stared at three sparkles above his head.
“Sparkles?” he asked.
“No, fairies, I just said that!!” was his answer again. John’s eyes widened.
“Navi, Gaia, Terry, where were you three?!” He asked in astonishment.
“Well, after you guys bunked down, we tried to do some scouting work and got lost, but it just happens that we were heading to the stomach too, so now we all met up!” Terry explained.
“…We forgot to type you guys in earlier, didn’t we?” James asked.
“Yeah, you did,” the fairies admitted. The party was so caught up in the reunion that they didn’t notice they were in a different room. Only when they heard the door close did they realize it was too late. The baris dropped the boys and backed away.
“Alright, then, the boss will take care of you… get us outta here!!” they squealed as they ran off.
“Guys? Should we be scared?” James asked.
“Don’t worry Steve,” John said.
“I said that!” James replied.
“Oh… well! If we should be scared, the obvious answer is: No.”
“Why not?”
“Two simple reasons!” John said. “First of all: I’m in charge!”
“What’s the second?” James asked.
“You’re not!” John replied.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Who was asking for someone’s opinion of being scared?” John asked.
“Erh… John?”
“Don’ t give me another smart comeback!”
“There’s a giant amoeba right above you!” John digested the information and look up to the sight of a swollen creature latched unto the ceiling.
“Oh… Amoeba…” John said. “He… he-hahahaha!” John began to giggle uncontrollably.
“He’s laughing?!” Malon said.
“He’s delusional, he’s nuts!” Impa added. But John was sane enough to jump out of the way as the creature fell to the ground. It erected itself and stuck its tentacles back into the ceiling. John readied his sword and jumped at it, but it slapped him back with a tentacle, sending John flying back into a wall, that sent him flying back, only to be slapped back. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… SLASH! John sliced the tentacle off before he could be hit back again and hit the ground smoothly. The creature began to whimper and hold its tentacle. “…OW!!” The creature growled at John.
“It can talk?!” Steve asked. “It couldn’t talk in the games!!”
“Neither could you,” James said.
“Good point.” The creature writhed as one of it’s sensor tentacles looked at John.
“You dare do this to Barinade?!” it growled. “I am one of the G-man’s most powerful servants! That’s why he enlisted me to take care of Jabu-Jabu!”
“Are you sure he wasn’t weeding out the herd?” James asked. Barinade shot a glance at James. It readied a tentacle and slashed at James. James let it grab his arm but resisted, thanks to his stone appetite, he was able to hold his ground. “Hah! There’s no way you can pull me with a weak rope like this!” James mocked. “I’m a rock-boy! I’m as strong as a--”But then… *crackle* “Aaaaah!!!” electricity was released and James was fried to crisp. Luckily it only took three hearts. Steve unsheathed his sword and held his pose, readying a slash.
“Hissatsu… my hissatsu attack! …Really grossed-out version!!” Steve jumped into the air and slashed Barinade, only to be sent flying back with electricity. “How come it never works with the other bosses?!” Steve asked angrily.
“The other bosses weren’t one-track-minded bugs!” John said.
“Hey! That’s my sister!” Barinade growled. Everyone’s mouths dropped open. “…Adoptive,” it added. Everyone still looked shocked. “Haven’t you ever heard of a bug being adopted as a sister to a plant?”
“We thought you were a Bio-electric anemone!” Steve said.
“Oh, it’s the tentacles isn’t it? …Do they make me look fat?” The others stared.
“Are you… a female?” John asked.
“Oh! I love e-mails! But I never get much, my laptop gets terrible reception down here!”
“Laptop?!” Steve asked. “That’s wack! By the way, here’s my email address!” he said as he handed Barinade a card.
“Oh thank you! Not to many people actually--- WHAT AM I DOING?! Prepare to get BBQed! Once I’m through with you pests, I can finally get my revenge!!” Barinade said as it unleashed a flurry of tentacles at the group. As the girls stayed in a corner, the boys engaged Barinade. Z-target jumps were the only things that saved the boys from Barinade’s tentacles. John readied his boomerang and aimed for Barinade.
“Hey! Barry! It looks like you need a trim!” John said as he threw the boomerang.
“What hair! I don’t grow hair!” Was all Barinade was able to say before its tentacles were cut, releasing it from the ceiling, sending it plummeting to the ground.
"Oh... that wasn't supposed to happen!" it groaned as it tried in vain to pull itself up.
“Slice it! Slice it!” James screamed as they all jumped unto Barinade and began to drive their swords in. Just one problem;
“They’re not going in!” Steve said.
“These… armor thingies are in the way!” James said as he hacked in vain at the blue plates. Barinade chuckled, a nasty sound. It threw itself upright, knocking the three away. The blue plates detached and turned into jelly fish. Connected by electrical ropes, they began to spin around Barinade, propelling it around the room, ramming into the boys.
“How are we-- [OW!] –supposed to—[ow!!] --- hit him if he moves—[Owww!] –This fast?!” James shouted in between ramming. John quietly on-looked from the center of the room as Barinade continued.
“Hm? Oh I missed one!” Barinade said as it began to move towards John at full speed. John stepped to the side, too soon for Barinade.
“AAAAH!!” *Krash!!* Barinade was hurled into a wall. John readied his boomerang and threw at one of the jellyfish, detaching it from the rest.
“Hah! At this rate,” John said, “All the jellies will be gone and you’ll be defenseless to…” John saw that his brothers were staring at him. “What?” John looked up in time to see the Jellyfish he hit right above him. “Wu-woo!” the Jellyfish landed on John, and began to electrify him. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” The others tried to cover their eyes.
“Oh, this is horrible!” James said.
“Waaaaaaaaaaa-hahahahahahahahahaha!!” John began to laugh! After another moment, the Jellyfish released John and ran away, out of fear and confusion. John got to his feet, with electricity still surging over him. “Wahahah! Heheehehehe… Ow.” John began to grip his arm. “Ooooh, jeez!”
“But you were…!”
“Faking!” John quickly said before his brother could finish. When John looked back at Barinade, he wished he didn’t. Barinade had the Jellyfish in it tentacles, as it seemed to be crying.
“There, there, it’s okay! He won’t hurt you, it’s okay!” Barinade said soothingly.
“…Are you sure you’re not a girl…?” John asked.
“Well what’s a girl?” Barinade asked.
“…I give up!” John said. “It’s inappropriate for both the internet and our readers! …I think!” But the moment he turned his back, Barinade launched some electricity at him, sending him to the ground. Barinade began to close in on the three.
“Guys! I have an idea!” John said as his brothers began to gather round. “I’m gonna try and talk to the thing, and see if it lowers its guard!” The others nodded. John got up and turned to Barinade. “Tell me, Barinade!” he said, “Why is it that you want revenge?” he asked. This caught the anemone’s interest as it stopped.
“Wanna know something?” it asked. “Zoras weren’t the only gifted water dwellers! Among the creatures that went into the magical fountain and were given souls, were Jellyfish! But the Zoras oppressed us! They called us ugly, scheming, freaks, even!”
“They weren’t wrong,” John added. Bari frowned (if you’d call it frowning).
“Then! The G-man gave me the opportunity to get back at them! Granted I had to be shrunken to my larval stage, I quickly matured and began to tear this fish from the inside!”
“…Oh! That’s what he threw in!” the others exclaimed.
“Once this fish kicks the bucket, I will become the next deity of the Zoras! They will worship, Barinade!!”
“Why would they wanna worship lemonade?” Zelda asked.
“BARINADE!!” Barinade corrected.
“…I don’t recall any of this in the game!” John said in confusion.
“You said anything could happen in dreams!” James reasoned.
“I didn’t dream this!” John said.
“Than whose is it?!” James asked. The group turned to Spot, who was with the others. “Watcha dreamin’ of, boy?” James called.
“A giant squiddy thing, sucking up all the fishy-fish!” Spot barked.
“-It’s Spot’s dream-“ everyone said.
“I was dreamed up by a dog?!” Barinade asked. “This is awful…!” it wailed as it broke down in tears(?).
“Let me break you down a little more!” John called. “You, the oppressed, are oppressing those who have wronged you?! The only words that describe you better than pathetic is hypocrites!” “I don’t like the Zora’s anymore than you do, but I’m okay with it. I go with the flow, sure, I might pull a string or two, but I never tried to actually hurt them! Save that for when they really get outta hand! And from what I know, they never did, and never will! And you’re definitely not the one to Punish them!” Barinade began to snarl.
“What makes you think you talk to me like that?!” Barinade asked. “…Who are you?!” John turned to the side and pointed his sword at Barinade.
[video=youtube;GaSUHDohYMo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaSUHDohYMo[/video]
“Tōrisugari no Masuta Kenshi da,” John looked at Barinade as he readied his sword. “oboeteoke!” Barinade growled as it launched another blast of energy. John simply held his sword out, which reflected the electrical flow. John then began to run around Barinade, until finally jumping unto one of its jellyfish.
“Come on!” John taunted. “Come get me!” Barinade readied a tentacle and began to swipe at John.
“Shouldn’t we help him?” James asked. Barinade slammed the tentacle down, but missed and hit the jellyfish’s tough shell.
“AUUU-UUOW!!”
“Nope, I think he’s good,” Steve said.
“Bari…. Nade…” John taunted as he lay on another jellyfish. “Your aim is about as bad as your judgment! And your appearance, and might I suggest some breath-mint?!”
“Grahh!” Barinade swung another Tentacle, but John wiggled out of the way, causing Barinade to hit the floor. “AUGH! Do you have any idea how hard this stomach is?! It’s Cast-Iron!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know a little fishy’s gut could hurt you…” John said in a syrupy voice. Barinade took a swipe at John again, but John leaped away, and jumped back unto one of the Jellyfish. Barinade tried the same thing, but this time, swept the tentacle, towards John. John jumped, avoiding the attack, then jumped unto another Jellyfish, then another, then another, too fast for Barinade's sensors to follow.
"Where am I?" John asked. "Where am I, Where am I? You can't see me!"
"Augh! My head hurts!" Barinade screamed as it covered its optic sensors. John stopped jumping and eventually came back into Barinade's view. "Ah-ha!" it raised a tentacle, but John threw his Boomerang and whacked one of the sensors. "Augh! Oh! I'm blind! I can't see..." his sensors began to function again. "Uh-oh, I don't wanna see."
"Wado- waah!" John kung-fu kicked Barinade in the sensors, twirling back and landing on the ground. John gave Barinade a 'loser' sign, before he held his sword in place, energy beginning to swirl around it.
“Yeah?! Well I oughta… oughta…” Barinade stood lost for words. Impa ran over and handed Barinade a book before quickly running away.
“ ‘How to deal with the blue clown, author unknown…” Barinade opened the book and ran through the pages before throwing it down in anger. “I CAN’T READ HYLIAN!!” Barinade observed to see that John had disappeared. “…Where’d you… waah!!” Barinade looked up just in time to see John coming down with a downward thrust.
“SEI-YAH!!” And then… *KABLAMMO!* Smoke erupted. Coughing filled the air as everyone shielded themselves from the haze. The coughing silhouette of John emerge from the smoke. “…Awesome!” he said in between coughs. As the smoke cleared, the shriveled body of Barinade appeared. “Aww… it still here?” John asked. Pop! “…What?” Pop!popopopopopop! Thousands of warts began to form on Barinade! Some began to swell… until… *KER-POP!!* You don’t want to know what happened next. After it ended, Barinade was gone, replaced by a shower of slime. James dove for cover, only to land on a soggy part of the floor. John jumped into the air to avoid it, but landed with his legs 180 degrees.
“…AUGH!”John screamed as he beat down on the floor. James walked over to John and helped him up, but the others were hit.
“Oh my gosh! Its puss!!” Malon gasped.
“Yuck! Eew!! Blech!” was the only thing the group was saying. Spot shook himself off… then licked his chops.
“Oh! Tastes like swimmer!” he exclaimed.
“Yuck!” everyone else shouted.
“A jelly fish is about 85% water,” James said. Everyone began to nod. “Plasma… water.”
“YUCK!” John began to pace his steps.
“One…two…three…four!” John stomped on the ground. “A blue light should appear right on this spot!” Sure enough, a blue light appeared.
“Let’s split!” Steve said. “I’m tired of all this crude humor!”
“What about the heart container?” James asked. *Klang!* Three small heart-containers fell from no-where. “Three this time?” James asked.
“Well waddya know?” John said as he picked one up and took a bite out of it. “Mmm… cherry! Let’s get going, Ruto’s probably outside.”
“What makes you say that?” James asked.
“You wanna stay in here any longer?” John asked.
The party (finally!!) stepped into the blue light and were taken out of the stomach, hoping to find Ruto.
...FINALLY!!! Thank you for returning after the long wait! ...I miss Spot...
*Remember that!
John winced in his sleep as a drop of water fell on his face, followed by another. His thoughts began to drift back to the night before. As the lights in Jabu-Jabu’s stomach began to fade, most likely due to Jabu-Jabu falling asleep, James was persistent on finding a place to bunk for the night. Though the others were very much against it, they decided to find the driest place in the whole body just; outside the digestion process. Now, most likely in the morning, with his face getting dribbled on again and again, John begins to see why the others where so eager to give him this spot.
John groaned and pulled himself up, wiped the water from his face and rubbed his eyes. As his vision cleared up, the first thing he saw were two black eyes, and the unmistakable smell of dog-breath. He drew back a little and saw that he was face-to-face with a dog. A medium sized, fairly old, German Shepard-patterned, mongrel dog.
“Spot?!” John asked. The dog’s tail began to wag as if in answer. “Hey there, boy!” John said as he got up and began to pet the dog. “Who’s-a-good-boy? Who’s-a-good-boy?” John said vigorously as he vigorously rubbed the dog.
“Knock it off!” James groaned half-asleep.
“No-no-no! Not to you!” John snapped.
“ ‘Not to you’... Yeah right... I bet... ‘Not to you?’ “ James asked, beginning to wake up. “Then who are you talking to?!” James got up and turned to John. “...John? Who’s the dog?” He asked quietly. “And how on earth did he get in here?!”
“Oh come on? Don’t tell me you don’t recognize him!” John said as the dog began to happily jump at him.
“Steven,” James said as he knelt down to where Steve lay. “Steven!” James shouted as he shook his brother awake.
“Hu... wha...?” Steve asked as he sat up and looked around in a daze.
“Can you tell us who that dog--”
“Oh, Hey Spot!” Steve said immediately. James stood in confusion.
“Spot?” he asked. “What’s he doin’ here?”
“Think!” John said. “Where we last night?”
“...I don’t know, I lost track after spending the night at the ranch,” James said.
“I mean for REAL!” John said. “I’ll tell you where we were; a dry bed, a dry house, and a nice modern world with nice table-fans for air! And who was with us that night?”
“...I dunno---” James began.
“SPOT!” John shouted. “He was with us last night! He must’ve heard us talking and came here to lozoot with us!” Once again there was silence.
“I should be mad for you using the dream-world physics like this,” James said. “But now... WHO’S-A-GOOD-BOY?” James said as he began to pet Spot. Spot happily began to wag his tail. He didn’t understand where he was, but his people where there, and as the dog’s number one principal, he’s to stay with his owners...what did you expect me to write? Well do you know what the dog’s thinkin’? Back to the story! James began to play with and pet Spot.
“Who’s a good boy?” James asked.
“I’m a good boy!!”
“Yeah that’s right, you’re a good-- AAH!!” The three boys screamed. James willed himself to stay calm, and knelt down to Spot. “Did you hear something, boy?” he asked in a syrupy voice.
“No did you?” The boy’s mouths dropped open.
“Spotty, boy? D-did you just talk?” John asked.
“Huh? What?” The boy’s eyes popped open. “Wait! You can understand me?!”
“......--THAT IS SO AWESOME!!--” They all exclaimed.
“What’s awesome?!” Zelda asked as she and Malon were awoken. The two froze at the site of the dog.
“Aww... it’s a cute little puppy!” Malon cued as she and Zelda ran up to spot.
“Don’t call me a pup!” Spot barked. The girl’s froze in surprise. “I’m old enough to be your grandpa!”
“Is he single?!” Impa asked as she woke up. She stared at the dog. “Who’s the dog?”
“Not single,” Spot answered. Impa froze.
“...Oh My Gosh!” she shouted as she got up. “Wait! How can a dog not be single?!”
“I got a mate and pups at home!” Spot said. “Well, except for Ivory, ‘cause you know, he’s... taller than me... But anyway! What’s goin on?! And why does this place smell like a swimmer?” Spot asked.
“A what?!” The boy’s asked.
“You know,” Spot said. “They swim in water, have little clear wings on their top and bottom, they’re shaped like flat rocks...”
“Fish?” James asked.
“You call the way you want, and I’ll do mine,” Spot said proudly.
“How do you know they’re called fish?” John asked.
“I don’t know! I feel like I’m dreamin’!!” Spot said in confusion. “But usually when I’m dreamin, the only thing that’s missing is a really big swimmer.”
“Wha’s goin’ on?!” Ruto asked as she got up. Spot immediately set his eyes on her.
“Oh... swimmer...” he said as if he was in a trance. Spot began to circle Ruto before lunging at her.
“--Get him away from me!!!” Ruto screamed as she ran from Spot.
“Bad Spot!” James called. “Sit Spot! Don’t eat the fishy...”
***
The boys stalked the caverns carefully, straining not to miss any sign of Ruto.
“Why are we goin’ down here anyway?!” Spot groaned.
“You chased Ruto away!!” James snapped. “We have to find her before she gets herself into trouble!”
“She couldn’t have gone that far...” Spot said with his ears down.
“She broke the 50mph record before we stopped you!! I’ll be amazed if she stopped running by now!”
“Aiiiiiiie!!” Screaming broke out from somewhere in the caverns.
“I think we found her!” John said as he led them into another room. The room was largely empty, save for the giant tendril hanging from the ceiling, with Ruto in it!!
“Oh boy,” James said as he watched Ruto struggle.
“Whaddya waitn’ for?!” New year’s?!” Ruto called.
“Well actually, I was kinda…” John began.
“GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!!” Ruto screamed.
“Okay fine, since you asked so kindly!” John said as he drew his sword.
“Let me handle this!” James said as he drew his sword and ran for the tentacle.
“N-no! Wait!” Steve called. Too late.
“AAAAH!!!” James let out a loud scream as he was electrocuted with energy by the tentacle. James struggled back, crackling with energy.
“I tried to warn you,” Steve said. James didn’t respond, he just fell to the ground. Spot began to sniff James before turning to the tentacle, snarling.
“I’ll get’ ya for that!!!” Spot growled as he lunged at the tentacle.
“Here we go again,” Steve said as he covered his eyes.
“GAAAAAH!!” You can guess the outcome.
“Now what do we do?!” Zelda asked.
“Simple,” John said as he began to whittle his boomerang.
“Oh, I can’t believe that you’re standing there…” Zelda was lost for words for a moment. Malon: “Whittle--” Zelda: “Whittling, while our only key to the sapphire is in the tendril of a sick fish!!” John continued to whittle. “Oh come on!!” Zelda said in disgust. “You know, I used to think that you were the smartest of the three!” James groaned angrily.
Oh, so you think this idea won’t work?” John asked. “Alright Zelda, let’s make this more interesting, if I’m able to do this, you owe me, a kiss!” John said. James, still on the ground from the zapping, grabbed Zelda’s arm.
“Don’t do it!” he moaned. “He’s a terrible kisser!”
“A kiss on the cheek!” John finished.
“He doesn’t wash his face?” James endeavored. The answer was step on the back from Impa.
“No one, touches royal hands, unless they’re proposing, or in your case, asking for execution!!” Impa threatened.
“Alright,” Zelda said. “But if your not able to, then… then… then…” Impa dashed behind John and began making frantic gestures that translates: ‘John!’ ‘Kill!’ ‘Get!’ ‘Out!’ . “If I win the bet…” Zelda continued. “You have to kiss me!” Impa gave up.
“Deal!” John said.
“What’s takin’ so long?! GET ME DOWN!!!” Ruto screamed.
“Oh, alright, fine!” John said as he held up his sharpened boomerang. He carefully took aim, then threw the boomerang at the tendril, swiping off the bottom chunk, then slicing of the top on the returning trip.
“What perfect aim,” Zelda said dreamily.
“That’s nothing!” Impa said haughtily. “I can swipe a man’s heads right off of his shoulders with one shuriken!”
“Don’t care…” Zelda responded.
“You used to love me boasting like that!” Impa said.
“That was when I didn’t know the word ‘no’!” Zelda replied.
“Great!” Steve exclaimed. “Ruto’s down!”
“AAAAAAH!!!”
“And falling…!!!!” Steve quickly added.
“Quick!” John exclaimed. “Someone catch her—nah.” John said as he walked away.
“Whaddya mean ‘nah’?!” James cried. If she dies, there goes the sapphire and the kingdom will have our boulders!” Everyone paused. “It’s goron slang for head!”
“Ah! Head…boulder…” everyone began to murmur.
“RUTO!!” Steve reminded.
“Oh right, ah!!” James and Steve began to run in random directions trying to catch Rutp. Spot who didn’t know what was going on began to join in what he though was a game.
“I gotcha!” “No I just missed you!” He barked as he pranced around the boys.
“Aw… he’s so cute!” The girls said lovingly. “Spot ran over to the girls as they began to pet and scratch him behind the ears. “Oh… I love it when they coo…”
“I think I got her!!” *thump!*Guess who caught her.
“Put me down!!” Ruto growled (she was blushing).
“Steve! You caught her!” James exclaimed.
“Get her off!!!” Steve said quickly as he let her go and ran away.
“OOF!!”
“Hand sanitizer! Hand Sanitizer!!” Steve cried.
“He doesn’t like fish,” James whispered to Malon.
“He shouldn’t have done that,” John whispered to James. “She loves it when people actually listen to her, even if it’s painful!” James froze.
“Wait, are you implying that Ruto might fall for Steve?” James whispered back. “I always thought it would be you since, you know.” John shook his head.
“Let’s get a move on before Steve figures out.”
***
The boys eventually came into a large circular room with a large platform in the middle, and a sparkling blue crystal on it!!
“That’s it!” Ruto screamed. She ran for the platform. “That’s the sapphire!!” She jumped on and grabbed the gem. “Yes! YESYESYES!! Now we can leave right away—“ The platform flew into a hole in the ceiling with incredible speed before coming back down. The boys ran over and stood in awe. Ruto was gone.
“She’s gone…” Malon said quietly.
“I think I might... not... actually miss her,” John added. Long pause. “Let’s see where it leads to!!” Everyone began to jump on. “Women and children first!” John called as Impa walked by. “No no! Not you!” John said quickly as he shoved her back and let Spot pass.
“Are you implying that I’m not a woman?!” Impa growled.
“Correction,” John said. “Obaa-san!” Impa grabbed John by the scruff.
“Don’t think me illiterate to the ancient lip, boy!” she growled. “I was there when it was written!” Everyone’s mouth dropped open. “That came out wrong, didn’t it?” Everyone nodded.
“Wait a sec,” Spot said. “You’re holding my boy… Imma going to bite ya!”
“Ah! Get it off!” Impa cried.
“Aw, he so loyal,” the girls cooed.
“Really?!” Impa growled as she jumped on as the platform lifted up. Soon enough, they were out of the room. But then an opening appeared in the wall and out jumped a giant octorock.
“I am here, vile intruders!!” It bellowed. “Feel the wrath of the giant--- aw phooey, they’re gone! The contract said that there would be intruders! …The G-man lied!”
***
When the platform came to a stop, the group entered a room with a giant wall that lead to a door, where a web of tentacles seemed to be coming from.
“That must be where the root of the problem is!” James said as he began to run to it, but then he stopped at a familiar sound, lizalfos laughing. “Oh, no,” he said as he jumped out of the way just in time as a Liazalfos jumped down. Then came another.
“Look, it’s the cry-baby-boy!” one of them cackled.
“Cry-baby-boy…You!!!” James exclaimed. The lizalfos began to circle the group. James put on a brave face. “It’s the gecko men from outer-space!” he said with a laugh. The Lizalfos jumped back in offense.
“How can someone of your intelligence say such a thing like that?!” he demanded.
“Are you calling us dumb?!” John demanded.
‘No, dumb is such an understatement!” The Lizalfos said. “The word for you, is Stupid.”
“Mom said use your words!” The first Lizalfos growled.
“Mom’s in a nursing home, DEAL with it!” the second one relplied. John got the others into a huddle.
“These guys look like they have issues, so I’m gonna try something!” he whispered. “So,” he said as he turned around. “Since we found you in the last dungeon, are you losers supposed to be dungeon protectors?” The two Lizalfos looked at each other.
“…Yes,” one said. “In fact, we were elected official dungeon peacekeepers!”
“Yes,” the other began. “We find temples very peaceful after they’ve been destroyed!”
“You fool!” The first one said as he slapped the other. “That was supposed to be a secret!”
“Here’s another secret! Mom likes me best!!”
“That’s untrue! She likes me best! She told me!”
“No she didn’t! That was in your dream-world after you ate that bad burrito!!”
“WAIT!!!” The lizalfos screamed. They looked around and saw that the party was long gone.
“…OH SNAP!!” The lizalfos began to run in crazy directions, looking all over for the group.
“Hey, are you two brothers?” The lizalfos turned to see John all alone.
“Well, actually, some think that fatso here was born first, but in fact, we were both incubated at the same time,” on began.
“Uh-uh! I was ten seconds before you!!”
“Let’s not get into details!!” the first spat back. “Can’t you see I’m trying to help the--” He looked and saw that John was gone.
“—Gone again!!”
“We stink at our Job!!”
“…Look! A corridor!” One said. ‘”They couldn’t have gone far! You take one end, I take the other!” One round-about later. The two Lizalfos met eachother. “WHAT?” One exclaimed. “But there were only two ends! Where’d they go?!” The two Lizalfos turned at the sound of a footstep to see Spot.
“Oh… wall climbers…” Spot said dreamily.
The party looked on in utter horror as a battle ensued.
“Don’t you think we should tell him that he should say gecko and not wall climber?” James asked. *Crack!!* “Ooh, never mind, youch!” *Shing!* Everyone gasped at the sound of a sword slice.
“That Lizalfos should watch where he points his sword!” John said in amazement. “I don’t know if his bro’s spine will ever get back into order!” The violence began to increase to the point that Impa began to gag at the sight of it.
“Oh I gotcha! I gotcha! Oh I just missed ya!” Spot barked as he fought. After another minute, John began to clap his hands as he called;
“Alright, good boy! Come back!” Spot walked away from the collapsed Lizalfos.
“They don’t pay us enough for this…!” one moaned.
“You said that a last time!” the other moaned back.
“Well I’m saying it again, they don’t pay us enough for this!”
“…Alright,” James said a little nervously. “Let’s get a move on before they get up again!” The party began to run from the Lizalfos and down the corridor.
“In here!” Steve said as they ran into another room. “This is perfect!” he said. “There’s an open door to just walk through, and there’s nothing here but a bunch of enemies hiding behind those lumps!” “…Uh-Oh.”
***
The party didn’t say a word as they were indignantly dragged by a bunch of baris down the corridor.
“Please tell me they’re not taking us to the room where all the tentacles are coming from!” James whined.
“They’re not taking us to the room where all the tentacles are coming from,” Malon said as she rolled her eyes.
“Will ya hush up back there?!” one of the Baris squealed. “We’re takin you to the room where all the tentacles are coming from!”
“Room where the tentacles are coming from ...” James said. “That is a long title!”
“OH SHUSH UP!” everyone else called.
“Jellyfish,” Spot mumbled. “Why’d it have to be Jellyfish… what the heck is a Jelly fish?! Am I a jellyfish?” Spot looked up. “Are you a jellyfish?”
“No, I’m a fairy,” was his reply. Spot stared at three sparkles above his head.
“Sparkles?” he asked.
“No, fairies, I just said that!!” was his answer again. John’s eyes widened.
“Navi, Gaia, Terry, where were you three?!” He asked in astonishment.
“Well, after you guys bunked down, we tried to do some scouting work and got lost, but it just happens that we were heading to the stomach too, so now we all met up!” Terry explained.
“…We forgot to type you guys in earlier, didn’t we?” James asked.
“Yeah, you did,” the fairies admitted. The party was so caught up in the reunion that they didn’t notice they were in a different room. Only when they heard the door close did they realize it was too late. The baris dropped the boys and backed away.
“Alright, then, the boss will take care of you… get us outta here!!” they squealed as they ran off.
“Guys? Should we be scared?” James asked.
“Don’t worry Steve,” John said.
“I said that!” James replied.
“Oh… well! If we should be scared, the obvious answer is: No.”
“Why not?”
“Two simple reasons!” John said. “First of all: I’m in charge!”
“What’s the second?” James asked.
“You’re not!” John replied.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Who was asking for someone’s opinion of being scared?” John asked.
“Erh… John?”
“Don’ t give me another smart comeback!”
“There’s a giant amoeba right above you!” John digested the information and look up to the sight of a swollen creature latched unto the ceiling.
“Oh… Amoeba…” John said. “He… he-hahahaha!” John began to giggle uncontrollably.
“He’s laughing?!” Malon said.
“He’s delusional, he’s nuts!” Impa added. But John was sane enough to jump out of the way as the creature fell to the ground. It erected itself and stuck its tentacles back into the ceiling. John readied his sword and jumped at it, but it slapped him back with a tentacle, sending John flying back into a wall, that sent him flying back, only to be slapped back. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… SLASH! John sliced the tentacle off before he could be hit back again and hit the ground smoothly. The creature began to whimper and hold its tentacle. “…OW!!” The creature growled at John.
“It can talk?!” Steve asked. “It couldn’t talk in the games!!”
“Neither could you,” James said.
“Good point.” The creature writhed as one of it’s sensor tentacles looked at John.
“You dare do this to Barinade?!” it growled. “I am one of the G-man’s most powerful servants! That’s why he enlisted me to take care of Jabu-Jabu!”
“Are you sure he wasn’t weeding out the herd?” James asked. Barinade shot a glance at James. It readied a tentacle and slashed at James. James let it grab his arm but resisted, thanks to his stone appetite, he was able to hold his ground. “Hah! There’s no way you can pull me with a weak rope like this!” James mocked. “I’m a rock-boy! I’m as strong as a--”But then… *crackle* “Aaaaah!!!” electricity was released and James was fried to crisp. Luckily it only took three hearts. Steve unsheathed his sword and held his pose, readying a slash.
“Hissatsu… my hissatsu attack! …Really grossed-out version!!” Steve jumped into the air and slashed Barinade, only to be sent flying back with electricity. “How come it never works with the other bosses?!” Steve asked angrily.
“The other bosses weren’t one-track-minded bugs!” John said.
“Hey! That’s my sister!” Barinade growled. Everyone’s mouths dropped open. “…Adoptive,” it added. Everyone still looked shocked. “Haven’t you ever heard of a bug being adopted as a sister to a plant?”
“We thought you were a Bio-electric anemone!” Steve said.
“Oh, it’s the tentacles isn’t it? …Do they make me look fat?” The others stared.
“Are you… a female?” John asked.
“Oh! I love e-mails! But I never get much, my laptop gets terrible reception down here!”
“Laptop?!” Steve asked. “That’s wack! By the way, here’s my email address!” he said as he handed Barinade a card.
“Oh thank you! Not to many people actually--- WHAT AM I DOING?! Prepare to get BBQed! Once I’m through with you pests, I can finally get my revenge!!” Barinade said as it unleashed a flurry of tentacles at the group. As the girls stayed in a corner, the boys engaged Barinade. Z-target jumps were the only things that saved the boys from Barinade’s tentacles. John readied his boomerang and aimed for Barinade.
“Hey! Barry! It looks like you need a trim!” John said as he threw the boomerang.
“What hair! I don’t grow hair!” Was all Barinade was able to say before its tentacles were cut, releasing it from the ceiling, sending it plummeting to the ground.
"Oh... that wasn't supposed to happen!" it groaned as it tried in vain to pull itself up.
“Slice it! Slice it!” James screamed as they all jumped unto Barinade and began to drive their swords in. Just one problem;
“They’re not going in!” Steve said.
“These… armor thingies are in the way!” James said as he hacked in vain at the blue plates. Barinade chuckled, a nasty sound. It threw itself upright, knocking the three away. The blue plates detached and turned into jelly fish. Connected by electrical ropes, they began to spin around Barinade, propelling it around the room, ramming into the boys.
“How are we-- [OW!] –supposed to—[ow!!] --- hit him if he moves—[Owww!] –This fast?!” James shouted in between ramming. John quietly on-looked from the center of the room as Barinade continued.
“Hm? Oh I missed one!” Barinade said as it began to move towards John at full speed. John stepped to the side, too soon for Barinade.
“AAAAH!!” *Krash!!* Barinade was hurled into a wall. John readied his boomerang and threw at one of the jellyfish, detaching it from the rest.
“Hah! At this rate,” John said, “All the jellies will be gone and you’ll be defenseless to…” John saw that his brothers were staring at him. “What?” John looked up in time to see the Jellyfish he hit right above him. “Wu-woo!” the Jellyfish landed on John, and began to electrify him. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” The others tried to cover their eyes.
“Oh, this is horrible!” James said.
“Waaaaaaaaaaa-hahahahahahahahahaha!!” John began to laugh! After another moment, the Jellyfish released John and ran away, out of fear and confusion. John got to his feet, with electricity still surging over him. “Wahahah! Heheehehehe… Ow.” John began to grip his arm. “Ooooh, jeez!”
“But you were…!”
“Faking!” John quickly said before his brother could finish. When John looked back at Barinade, he wished he didn’t. Barinade had the Jellyfish in it tentacles, as it seemed to be crying.
“There, there, it’s okay! He won’t hurt you, it’s okay!” Barinade said soothingly.
“…Are you sure you’re not a girl…?” John asked.
“Well what’s a girl?” Barinade asked.
“…I give up!” John said. “It’s inappropriate for both the internet and our readers! …I think!” But the moment he turned his back, Barinade launched some electricity at him, sending him to the ground. Barinade began to close in on the three.
“Guys! I have an idea!” John said as his brothers began to gather round. “I’m gonna try and talk to the thing, and see if it lowers its guard!” The others nodded. John got up and turned to Barinade. “Tell me, Barinade!” he said, “Why is it that you want revenge?” he asked. This caught the anemone’s interest as it stopped.
“Wanna know something?” it asked. “Zoras weren’t the only gifted water dwellers! Among the creatures that went into the magical fountain and were given souls, were Jellyfish! But the Zoras oppressed us! They called us ugly, scheming, freaks, even!”
“They weren’t wrong,” John added. Bari frowned (if you’d call it frowning).
“Then! The G-man gave me the opportunity to get back at them! Granted I had to be shrunken to my larval stage, I quickly matured and began to tear this fish from the inside!”
“…Oh! That’s what he threw in!” the others exclaimed.
“Once this fish kicks the bucket, I will become the next deity of the Zoras! They will worship, Barinade!!”
“Why would they wanna worship lemonade?” Zelda asked.
“BARINADE!!” Barinade corrected.
“…I don’t recall any of this in the game!” John said in confusion.
“You said anything could happen in dreams!” James reasoned.
“I didn’t dream this!” John said.
“Than whose is it?!” James asked. The group turned to Spot, who was with the others. “Watcha dreamin’ of, boy?” James called.
“A giant squiddy thing, sucking up all the fishy-fish!” Spot barked.
“-It’s Spot’s dream-“ everyone said.
“I was dreamed up by a dog?!” Barinade asked. “This is awful…!” it wailed as it broke down in tears(?).
“Let me break you down a little more!” John called. “You, the oppressed, are oppressing those who have wronged you?! The only words that describe you better than pathetic is hypocrites!” “I don’t like the Zora’s anymore than you do, but I’m okay with it. I go with the flow, sure, I might pull a string or two, but I never tried to actually hurt them! Save that for when they really get outta hand! And from what I know, they never did, and never will! And you’re definitely not the one to Punish them!” Barinade began to snarl.
“What makes you think you talk to me like that?!” Barinade asked. “…Who are you?!” John turned to the side and pointed his sword at Barinade.
[video=youtube;GaSUHDohYMo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaSUHDohYMo[/video]
“Tōrisugari no Masuta Kenshi da,” John looked at Barinade as he readied his sword. “oboeteoke!” Barinade growled as it launched another blast of energy. John simply held his sword out, which reflected the electrical flow. John then began to run around Barinade, until finally jumping unto one of its jellyfish.
“Come on!” John taunted. “Come get me!” Barinade readied a tentacle and began to swipe at John.
“Shouldn’t we help him?” James asked. Barinade slammed the tentacle down, but missed and hit the jellyfish’s tough shell.
“AUUU-UUOW!!”
“Nope, I think he’s good,” Steve said.
“Bari…. Nade…” John taunted as he lay on another jellyfish. “Your aim is about as bad as your judgment! And your appearance, and might I suggest some breath-mint?!”
“Grahh!” Barinade swung another Tentacle, but John wiggled out of the way, causing Barinade to hit the floor. “AUGH! Do you have any idea how hard this stomach is?! It’s Cast-Iron!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know a little fishy’s gut could hurt you…” John said in a syrupy voice. Barinade took a swipe at John again, but John leaped away, and jumped back unto one of the Jellyfish. Barinade tried the same thing, but this time, swept the tentacle, towards John. John jumped, avoiding the attack, then jumped unto another Jellyfish, then another, then another, too fast for Barinade's sensors to follow.
"Where am I?" John asked. "Where am I, Where am I? You can't see me!"
"Augh! My head hurts!" Barinade screamed as it covered its optic sensors. John stopped jumping and eventually came back into Barinade's view. "Ah-ha!" it raised a tentacle, but John threw his Boomerang and whacked one of the sensors. "Augh! Oh! I'm blind! I can't see..." his sensors began to function again. "Uh-oh, I don't wanna see."
"Wado- waah!" John kung-fu kicked Barinade in the sensors, twirling back and landing on the ground. John gave Barinade a 'loser' sign, before he held his sword in place, energy beginning to swirl around it.
“Yeah?! Well I oughta… oughta…” Barinade stood lost for words. Impa ran over and handed Barinade a book before quickly running away.
“ ‘How to deal with the blue clown, author unknown…” Barinade opened the book and ran through the pages before throwing it down in anger. “I CAN’T READ HYLIAN!!” Barinade observed to see that John had disappeared. “…Where’d you… waah!!” Barinade looked up just in time to see John coming down with a downward thrust.
“SEI-YAH!!” And then… *KABLAMMO!* Smoke erupted. Coughing filled the air as everyone shielded themselves from the haze. The coughing silhouette of John emerge from the smoke. “…Awesome!” he said in between coughs. As the smoke cleared, the shriveled body of Barinade appeared. “Aww… it still here?” John asked. Pop! “…What?” Pop!popopopopopop! Thousands of warts began to form on Barinade! Some began to swell… until… *KER-POP!!* You don’t want to know what happened next. After it ended, Barinade was gone, replaced by a shower of slime. James dove for cover, only to land on a soggy part of the floor. John jumped into the air to avoid it, but landed with his legs 180 degrees.
“…AUGH!”John screamed as he beat down on the floor. James walked over to John and helped him up, but the others were hit.
“Oh my gosh! Its puss!!” Malon gasped.
“Yuck! Eew!! Blech!” was the only thing the group was saying. Spot shook himself off… then licked his chops.
“Oh! Tastes like swimmer!” he exclaimed.
“Yuck!” everyone else shouted.
“A jelly fish is about 85% water,” James said. Everyone began to nod. “Plasma… water.”
“YUCK!” John began to pace his steps.
“One…two…three…four!” John stomped on the ground. “A blue light should appear right on this spot!” Sure enough, a blue light appeared.
“Let’s split!” Steve said. “I’m tired of all this crude humor!”
“What about the heart container?” James asked. *Klang!* Three small heart-containers fell from no-where. “Three this time?” James asked.
“Well waddya know?” John said as he picked one up and took a bite out of it. “Mmm… cherry! Let’s get going, Ruto’s probably outside.”
“What makes you say that?” James asked.
“You wanna stay in here any longer?” John asked.
The party (finally!!) stepped into the blue light and were taken out of the stomach, hoping to find Ruto.
...FINALLY!!! Thank you for returning after the long wait! ...I miss Spot...
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Lozoot
Chpt 19:The Sapphire, the Skeletons, and a Siege
Steve stood on top of Jabu-Jabu and took a much deserved breath of fresh air. No more fish guts, no more Baris or juices and most of all, no more Ruto. But when he turned around, but was he saw was so terrible, he was struck by so much fear, that all he could do was fall off and scream “RUTOOOOO!!” Steve would’ve considered himself escaped, but he forgot; he can’t swim well. He barely made it over to a submerged tree and wrapped his limbs around a branch.
“These clothes…Were m-made for cold w-weather!” his said in between shivering. “N-not! Cold, w-water!” Ruto, who was watching from her perch on Jabu, giggled and dived down. She swam over to Steve.
“Hi Link-y!” she cooed.
“Link-y?” Steve asked under his breath. “When did it turn to Link-y?!”
“I’m glad to see that you’re alright!” she said.
“Oh-no, if I was alright, I’d be dead!” Steve hissed. Ruto giggled.
“You’re so funny!” she said happily. “You little cutie!” she said as she pinched his cheek.
“Help…me!” Steve growled in a half whisper to his brothers, who were still on top of the great whale.
“This is great!” John said as he began to eat Popcorn from his hat.
“You have popcorn in your cap?” Malon asked.
“Don’t question it!” James said as he took a handful.
“Hey, share!” Spot whined. John tossed the dog a treat of popcorn. Meanwhile, Steve endured Ruto as much as he could.
“I knew you had a crush on me ever since you caught me…” she went on. “It was only obvious. You’re so much better than your brother. He’s such a coral-head. But you’re witty and funny…”
“For once I wish that wasn’t true!” Steve said as drummed his fingers.
“…And cute!” she added.
“Pfft! Cute?!” Steve asked. “I look just the same as John! or James!”
“But green makes you look so much cuter!” she said as she began to twiddle Steve’s hair.
“Hey! I don’t wanna look, if that’s what you’re thinking! You’re jumpin to conclusions!” Steve said as he began to wave his arms.
“Don’t do that!” Ruto said. “If you let go, you might sink and we’ll get separated!” It was too tempting. Steve was at the bottom of the fountain within a few seconds. But then the thought struck him, is being away from Ruto really more desirable than air?
“Steve!!” James shouted as he prepared to dive. But then John grabbed him.
“Don’t do that, you’ll sink like a rock, boulder-breath!” John said. “Steve’s perfectly safe!”
“With Ruto?!” James asked. “He’s dead!”
“Maybe emotionally,” John said. “But safe.”
“…Yeah, I can’t swim well, anyway.” James said as he sat down.
“It would be nice to see someone help for his brother,” Malon said endearingly.
“…I may be hopeless, but I’m no fool!” James said.
“Hey! Steve’s on the other side of the lake!” Navi cried.
Steve broke the surface. His plan worked; he swam to the other side of the lake without Ruto spotting him, and now he can breath, and was safe. Or so he thought.
“Now Ruto’s swimming over!” Terry added. Steve quickly grew aware of his predicament and dove under water. Ruto followed. There was silence. Then a bubble began to form at the surface. The bubble got bigger… bigger, bigger still, until it burst. *POP---HEEEEEEEELP!!* Steve shot out of the water and streaked down the hall leading back to the Zora Domain. Ruto skipped after him. “This is Zelda, not Pepe la Pew!” Terry said.
“He shot outta there like a toad that just came outta the fryin’ pan!” Malon exclaimed.
“I don’t know what that means, but it works!!” John said.
Later, the party ventured back into the Zora domain. Ruto was running from room to room, calling “Link-y! Link-y!”
“Not to side with Ruto,” James said. “But I wanna know where he is too!”
“Psst!” The group looked up. Steve was hanging by a stalactite on the ceiling. From what he could risk while he hung on, he made rapid gestures to John. John gave his little brother and a-ok.
“Ruto?” he asked. Ruto turned around to reveal a disgusted face.
“What?” she asked.
“Why would you be so interested in Steve if he’s the same as me?” John asked.
“He’s not half as rude as you, he doesn’t pull any pranks, and he’s not a bit as disgusting!”
“Have you seen the way he picks his nose?” John asked. Steve glared from his perch.
“Every love has a few flaws!” Ruto said.
“Alright, if you really wanna know where Steve is, walk ahead and look up!” John said. Steve couldn’t find his voice to scream.
“Hah! I know you!” Ruto said. “I’ll take a step backwards and look down!” Ten seconds later, and Ruto was staring at the floor a few paces away. “…I’m starting to think that you were intending this!” she said. John gave James a signal. James tossed a small bomb at Steve’s stalactite.
“WUaaaah!!” Steve let go just in time as the bomb exploded and hit the stalactite. Steve hit the ground relatively easy, that’s more than I could say for Ruto, who was hit in the head by the fallen Stalactite. James pulled his dazed brother to his feet and rushed him to the door.
“Ruto? Ruto…!” John said quietly as he slapped Ruto’s unconscious face. The rest of the party began to run for the door, except John. “Here ya go!” he shouted as he quickly gave the chamber-pot back to the king. John ran off to quick for the king to respond. “You girls! Get outside and go to the entrance of the lake!” John called. “James, Steve! Follow me! We’re gonna jump for the waterfall!”
“But I’ll sink!” James exclaimed.
“Kinda the point!” John said. James gripped his heart. Ruto began to come to. “Come on! Go Go!” John said as they ran for the waterfall. Before they could run out to the dive however, a battered Ruto jumped in front of him.
“You tricked me!” She shrieked. “You’ve gone down the right road for another Zora-swirly!” This was followed by a maniacal laugh.
“Ruto, wait!” John said meekly. “First, please answer a question! It’s an engagement question…”
“Ooh, what?” Ruto asked as she calmed down.
“What’s A equal if A2+C3=9?!” John blurted out. Ruto paused, but began to hold her head in pain. Brain strain. Steam shot out of her ears as she fell to the floor.
“Are we gonna leave her like that?” James asked.
“Who cares?!” Steve cried. “Jump for it!” The three dove into the water. With what little breath they could hold, John led them through an underwater duct. Within seconds, James saw the blessed form of the surface above his head and rushed for air. The three broke the surface in Lake Hylia, not too far from land where the girls were helping the cart unto Epona, who had been waiting patiently at the lake. James took a deep breath of air as he hit the sand bar.
“Ah… Sweet fresh non-fishy air!” he said as he inhaled. “No more water! Just smooth sailing!” *Rumble!* “…Man I’m thirsty!” James said. “Mizu…mizu… where could I get some…” James saw something shine in the water. He picked out a bottle that had a note in it. “…Guy’s! Come take a look at this!” James brother’s gathered as he pulled the cork and read the note. “Please help, I’m in the belly of a whale… signed Gan [Scbbled out Ruto…” The group stared. “I’m keeping the bottle,” James said as he threw the note away.
“Now who do we know has handwriting like 1stgrader and writes his ‘E’s backwards?” Steve asked.
“Don’t care,” John said as he took the note and stuffed it into his pouch. The group climbed into the cart, Spot quickly following.
“This is great!” He panted as he stuck his head out of the side. “I haven’t been in a… what do people call ‘em again?”
“Cars?” James said obliviously.
“Yeah, Cats on wheels!” Spot said.
“How does that work…?” Steve asked.
“Have you seen a cat run?” Spot asked. “If you did, then you’d know! Albeit this one is smaller, has no backbone, no front legs, and is being pulled by a dangerously thin grazer!” Epona let out an angry whinny.
“Cow,” Steve corrected.
“I can’t wait to hang the old taster out of a moving object!” Spot whined happily.
“This is terrible!!” Spot whined as he hung his head. Epona’s pace was slow enough to be outrun by a frog. “I though tall-runners were supposed to be fast!”
“Maybe she’s taking it easy on account of being called a cow!” Steve said. Everyone stared at Steve and his strange knowledge. “It’s just intuition…” Steve said with a shrug.
“From someone who doesn’t know the exact meaning of the word, something’s up!” James said.
“That or the fact that she’s carrying eight people, not counting the dog!” Steve said.
“But there’s nobody else here!” Impa said.
“This is on the child scale, Impa,” Steve said.
“Oh…Okay,” There was a pause. “I like you better then your elder!” Impa said while she patted Steve’s head. “You’re not as rude.”
“With all do respect…” Steve said, “I haven’t been brave enough, yet…” Steve’s eyes widened. “Guys, I just realized something. Who has the sapphire?” everyone gasped. James felt his pouch and shook his head. Steve screamed. “I’m not going back there!” he said. “Neither am I!” the rest of the party mumbled.
“Actually…” John said. “I took advantage of all those times we got the better of Ruto and…”
“You didn’t!” James exclaimed. John held out the sapphire.
“She’ll never miss it!” he said with a smug look on his face.
“Who here’s hungry?” James broke in. A few raised their hands. “Good I brought snacks!” James reached into his wallet.
“If you’re not gonna take out something that’s not a Rupee, not interested!” Malon said. James sighed and threw a rupee into his mouth.
“I’m hungry…” Zelda moaned.
“What are we gonna do, fish?” John asked. Pause. “Look!” There was a small house in the distance with a large sign next to it, with big letters saying ‘Fishing pond; where you coincidentally need to be!’
“…How does he know that we need to go there?” Navi asked.
“That wasn’t there before,” James said with confusion in his voice.
The group stepped into the small house, to see that it wasn’t much of a house, but only a barrier to a large pond. There was a counter with empty tanks behind it, and there was a middle-aged man behind it too.
“Welcome!” he called. “The fishing pond is wide open! All you can fish for just twenty rupees! Step right up!” James walked over to the counter.
“Good day,” he said politely. James spotted the man’s nametag. James’ eyes widened when he read. “G-Ganny?!”
“Oh, Gannivonni, it’s a family name,” he said as he held it up. James stood puzzled.
“This isn’t yours, is it?” John asked as he held out the crumpled note. The man read the note and nodded.
“Yep, I wrote that! A little late to rescue me, though…” John paused after he heard this.
“But how did Ruto get in the signature?” he asked. Ganny shrugged.
“Beats me. Anyone could’ve found it. I didn’t have enough time to finish it anyway.”
“You were in the belly of a whale?!” Steve asked.
“Jabu-Jabu, long and messy story, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Ganny straightened his shirt. “Now then, who would like to fish? You can keep the specimen, or store it here, and if you’re lucky (and I mean Lucky) you could catch the rare Hylian loach! So who’ll step right up?!” James cleared his throat and pointed at the desk. There was a red rupee on the counter. Ganny turned and saw Steve was already fishing. “Well, why didn’t little boy blue take a chance at it?” he asked as he looked at John.
“ ‘Cause little boy blue hates fish!” John replied.
“NO! Shh! Quiet! The fish could’ve heard that!” Ganny said urgently.
“Woah!!” Steve caught a fish and began to pull at the rod.
“Pull and reel, kid!” Ganny called. “That’s the way to catch a fish!” Steve was pulled in. Ganny began to scratch his arms. But soon he began to scratch like crazy.
“You feeling alright?” Terry asked.
“Yeah sorry, I have a rare skin condition, whenever I think of the Hylian Loach, my skin breaks out. Makes me itch. I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“So, you’ve been ‘itchin’ for someone to catch it?” Impa asked. Ganny glared at her as he scratched his back. “Oh… that’s another fish of the hook,” Impa said with a sigh. Ganny froze.
“Oh… a fish joke… tell another one!” he begged. Gaia groaned.
“This is worse than watching Terry grow grass!”
“I caught it!” the group turned and saw Steve carrying a large greenish fish. “I caught the loach!”
“DROP THAT! That’s my employee of the month!” Ganny screamed.
“Wha--?!” the fish smacked Steve with its tail and flopped back into the water.
“That’s my employee!” Ganny said as he hopped out of his desk. “I pay him by the hour to not get caught!”
“You named him Loachy?” John asked.
“No, his mom did!” Ganny said. “Who do think named him, the dad?” Steve was too confused to stop Ganny from running past. “I told you not to get cocky!” Ganny growled as he pointed at the water. “You’re not getting that Christmas bonus because of this, hear me?!” his answer was a squirt of water in his face. Ganny shuddered and walked away.
“That’s my fish!!” Steve cried as he tried to leap back into the water. But John picked up the rod and hooked Steve by the pants. “Oh…!” Steve stood paralyzed.
“Come on bro, we can find someplace else to eat!” John said.
“Could you let go?” Steve asked. “I’m getting a hooked-wedgie!”
“Oh, pardon me!” John let go and Steve fell into the water, again.
***
On the other side of the lake, two figures broke the surface. It was Slime and Slick, the Lizalfos from the two dungeons.
“I HATE alternate openings!” Slick, the thinner of the two said as he began to dog-paddle.
“Whales should clean their noses!” Slime, the plumper, said as he reached for a piece of Land to grab unto. But the piece of land he grabbed had two giant boots on it. The two looked up and saw a large Moblin looking down on them.
“Good day, good sirs!” It said in a British-accent. “Now then, how about the Sapphire? We agreed that you would deliver the gem to me in exactly twenty-four hours, now then, please may I have the gem? The G-man offered me good money for it!” The two Brothers looked at each other.
“Yeah, about that…” Slime said.
“We’ll have to give it to you Friday. Sorry, we lost track of it after some---GYA!!” The two found themselves being lifted out of the water by the neck.
“That’s funny,” The Moblin said. “I could’ve sworn we agreed on a day’s time, not four!” his accent diminished with every word. “It would’ve been much healthier for both of us if you followed the plan!” He said as his grip tightened. He released his grip and let the Lizalfos drop to the ground in front of him.
“Wait!” Slick croaked. “It’s not our fault! There were three boys! Dressed like Peter Pan, and their crazy dog attacked us!”
“Dogs don’t attack, they take little bites!” The moblin said.
“What? Little Bites?” The lizalfos held up his disfigured tail. “Does this look like little bites to you?!” The moblin snarled. “Wait! This might help us find the three! They wore the three colors of the Hylian flag!”
“WHAT?!” The Moblin grabbed the two and held them up by the heads. “Are you to tell me that the Tri-Bros are already here?! Prematurely?! And with the rock?!”
“We’d tell you more.” Slime squealed. “But your sausage fingers, are crushing, my skull!” The Moblin snorted as he dragged the two away.
“…Where are we going?” Slick asked.
***
Outside the house there was a high ledge. A ledge that could be used to dive into the water. The group stood at the top, while Steve had a long elastic rope tied to his ankle, which was tied to a small post. Steve was preparing to dive as the party and some on looking Zoras chanted “LINK! LINK! LINK! LINK! LINK!” Ganny ran outside and stared in amazement.
“What in the name of Jabu are ya doing?!” he cried.
“I, Link Steve Heroda, am going to dive into the water using this elastic bungee rope, and grab with my own hands, a rare hylian catfish, right off of its sea-floor home!” Ganny scurried up the ledge.
“You can’t do that!” he said. “This is still my land! You can’t do anything crazy on my land!” Steve prepared to dive, but Ganny grabbed him and pulled off the rope letting it fall to the ground. “This is my property! No one will do anything suicide, on, my… property…!” Ganny began to lose his balance. James reached out to grab his arm, but Ganny fell down the ledge, with the rope snaking around his leg. “AUUUGH-HA-AUUUGH!” the group watched in awe as he fell into the water, sprang out into the air, and landed on the ledge. He lay there with a fish in his mouth.
“You don’t wanna talk about it I take it?” James asked. Ganny spat the fish out, landing it not too far from James’ feet.
“I HATE SUSHI!” He growled.
***
After a small meal of fried and seasoned fish, the party set out back to Hyrule field. Epona trotted more quickly this time. John finished his substitute apple and tossed the core. Malon had already told Epona to ‘go to work,’ so Epona was pulling the cart in the direction of the castle. Malon counted the profit they had made selling the milk.
“This isn’t good…” she said quietly.
“What isn’t?” James asked.
“We only made 12 rupees profit! Pa said we had to make 20 or I wouldn’t be able to leave the ranch for a while, remember?” James nodded. “We only made twelve…” The group was silent.
“Oh well, that’s the end of farm girl.” Terry said. Gaia slapped Terry away, sending him into the ground, just in front of Epona. The squishing sound was very audible. Everyone paused.
“We can do without her, right?” Steve asked. James stomped on Steve’s foot in response as he reached into his wallet. He handed Malon two blue rupees. Malon stared.
“Where’d you get these?” she asked.
“Grass,” James answered. “You should try it.” James said, looking away.
“Aren’t you the little love-bird?!” Terry mocked as he managed to catch up with the cart. “Why don’t you give her more?”
“Then it’d be like lying!” James said.
“…I should probably get back to the ranch,” Malon said. “Pa should be worried.” Epona began to quicken her pace.
“With all do respect,” James said. “I think that the urgency of the three stones demands that we should get to the town as soon as possible.”
“Oh, that’s a shame,” Malon said. “I was going to give you a goodbye-kiss!”
“Guys! We’re changin’ course!” James called. John smacked James to bring him to his senses.
“BAKA!” John said angrily. “The town, then the ranch, kay Malon?” John asked. Malon nodded. Epona let out a groan, whinny thingy.
Some time began to pass, and night began to fall. Steve began to grow tired. He lay down on the side of the wagon and tried to rest, but some awful singing caught his ear.
“Oh gimme a home! Where the people don’t roam! Where the animals don’t work all day!” Steve was too awe struck by the utter awfulness to ask who it came from.
“M-Malon?” Steve asked. His answer was a snore. Malon was asleep. In fact, everyone was asleep. And to his amusement, Impa, the top-duty body-guard, was too. The fairies were curled in a ball in James’ lap, initially sleeping, and Spot was sleeping too. Steve shakily looked the Horse. “E-Epona?” he asked.
“What?” Steve stared. “What? No order? Hmf! Its not like you can hear me anyway!”
“I can…” Steve said.
“Yeah, there you go and… can?!” Epona slowed down a little. “That’s impossible!”
“I could talk to Spot,” Steve said.
“Anyone could understand that old mutt!” Epona said with a snort.
“Hey!” Spot woke up and frowned at Epona. “I resemble that remark!” Spot paused. “And who’s you to call me old? You don’t look to different from Katana-Mama!” To everyone’s surprise, Impa didn’t react, even in her sleep. Steve assumed that his life in the forest had something to do with it, but he ignored it. He even began to have nice chats with Epona. Secrets about Ingo, Mido, and Talon were exchanged and laughed at. Steve began to laugh out loud at one of the jokes Epona made. Malon looked at the two half-asleep.
“Keep talkin’ to yourself like that and people will think you’re crazy!” She said.
“I’m not that worried about stuff like that, Malon,” Steve said.
“I wasn’t talkin’… to you,” Malon said as she fell back asleep. Now it was Steve’s turn to question someone’s sanity. It was soon completely night, and the view of the castle came into view. But Epona suddenly jerked to a stop. Epona wasn’t saying anything.
John turned in his sleep. He rolled unto his back and began to suck his thumb. But then he noticed that his thumb tasted… bitter. Awfully bitter. John made faces in his sleep as he digested the information; eventually he winced and opened his eyes a little, and beheld a skeletal little creatyre in front of him, and whose thumb he was sucking. John sat up and faced the creature.
“Excuse me, do you like fetch?” He asked.
“Kiiindaaa…” The creature breathed. John tried not to gag at the creature’s breath.
“Well, my dog, just loves fetch!” John said. He tore off one of the creature’s bare ribs and threw it out of the cart. Spot Jumped to his feet and ran after it with the creature in hot pursuit. John got to his feet and saw that the cart was surrounded by these creatures. “Everyone wake up!” John called. “IT’S THE STALKIDS!!”
[video=youtube;CgJo1Ss3gck]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgJo1Ss3gck[/video]
James was immediately aware (out of practice) and jumped to his feet. Zelda slowly raised her head, only to just get missed by one of James’ sword slashes. A Stalkid’s head was knocked off and landed chattering next to Malon. Malon woke up and screamed at the sight, and pulled a… pitchfork, out of thin air and whammed it in the head. Everyone got out of the cart and moved cautiously around the horde of creatures that were surrounding the cart. Malon repelled another Stalkid with her pitchfork.
“Where’d you get that?” Zelda asked.
“I keep a stash of tools hidden throughout the cart just in case,” Malon said as she stabbed a Stalkid. She hit the Stalkid right in the funny bone.
“Ge-yahahahahaha!” The Stalkid fell to the ground and began to squirm on the gorund, wailing “Make it stop!!” he wailed.
“Could you pull something out for me?” Zelda asked as she pushed a Stalkid away from her. Malon pulled a long stick from the axle of the cart and handed it to Zelda. Zelda stared. “A bo? Seriously?” Malon pulled a wickedly long blade from the stick that acted like a sheath. “Woah! Why does a farm girl need something like this?”
“You don’t wanna know,” Malon said. Meanwhile, John held up his shield and repelled some Stalkids while James began to outflank a single Stalkid.
“Wait… what’s with the song?” he asked. “And a bunch of colored heroes, fighting a swarm of identical enemies? This is Zelda, not Power Rangers! We don’t even know Karate!” Two Stalkids ran up to John, only for him to jump and do a mid-air split-kick, sending them flying. John hit the ground and tried not to scream from the pain of doing a splits. John saw that James was having trouble with the Stalkid and ran to the other side.
“Double whammy?” John asked. “You’re on!” James said as he readied his position. The Stalkid looked both ways as the two brothers ran towards him and jumped into the air.
“Uh-oh…”
Steve jumped into the air and began to run one everyone of the Stalkid’s heads. “Onetwothreefourfive…” Steve knocked over a whole group with one kick. “’Lost count… nya-haha!”
The chaos ensued. But then one Stalkid held up his hand. “Enough…” it moaned. It held out his boney hand. “Ted…” it moaned. A headless Stalkid approached the group, pointing at its lack of a cranium. John looked at the party. They nodded. John carefully pulled out his souvenir Stalkid skull and placed it on the Skeleton’s head, backwards. The Stalkid cracked it back into proper position. “Now… we are complete…” The Stalkids said as they began to leave. “…TO DO THIS!!” The Stalkids grabbed each other and merged into a giant Stalkid! The group could only stare.
“What’d I miss?” Impa asked as she woke up… but then she saw the Stalkid giant. “W-ah!” Spot looked up, and his mouth began to drool like crazy.
“Look… at… all… those… Bones!!” Spot said as he jumped at the giant, effectively tearing off the funny bone. The Stalkid began to hold its ribcage, but began to laugh like crazy! “Was it something I said?” Spot asked. But when he looked back at the Stalkid, it had laughed itself to pieces, the bones burning away.
“Well that was fun,” James said as he sheathed his sword. Everyone stretched and yawned as they began to climb back into the cart.
“Thank goodness, I thought they were going to eat me!” Epona whinnied. Steve ignored her. After a short while, they arrived at the gates of the City. Impa stretched as she unlatched the gate. There was a red glow above the city.
“Oh look, they’re having a party!” Impa said. James froze.
“That’s not a party, those are flames!” James shouted as he ran through the gate, the others close behind.
***
There was indeed a large fire, but it was in the center of town, and everyone was holding hands and dancing around it. James looked sheepishly at the others, and was smacked by John. Steve tugged at one of the people’s sleeves.
“What’s cooking?” he asked.
“The logs!” the person replied. “We’re having a party!” James was smacked again.
“What for?” Steve asked.
“We’re celebrating! We’re under siege!” Steve blinked twice, and tried to laugh, but he knew what he heard. The group heard rumbling and turned to see a large amount of Monsters coming from the direction of the castle. “Here they are!” the people called. “Places everyone… AAAAH!” They ran wildly but unconvincingly. The monsters, which consisted mainly of Lizalfos and Stalfos, came into view of the bonfire.
“That stuff the G-man put in the food supply worked like a charm!” It said. “Now the town’s as dumb as a post!”
“Oh…” Zelda said. “…I’m glad I went with you guys.”
“So am I,” John said.
“THE PRINCESS!” One of them called. “There she is! Grab the ocarina!”
“Excuse me!” John shouted as he ran over. “Are the ones who are making us go under siege?” he asked.
“…Yes! Yes we are!” A Lizalfos said in a childish voice.
“Can I have your autograph?” John asked as he held out a notepad.
“Oh, sure…! Uh, got a pen?” it asked.
“Right here!” John said as he held out a quill feather, and stabbed it in the Lizalfos’ arm!
“AUUUGH! He broke my wrist bone!” it wailed as it held its arm. The group fled as fast as they could before hiding in an alley.
“Alright, we need to do something and then regroup!” John said. “It’s too risky to stay a group for now!”
“But… we’ve been through so much!” James said. “I don’t wanna split now!”
“James, we all know you’re talking about Malon, shushup,” John said. “The three of us will go to the temple of Time and do the whatever song and get going before Ganondorf does!” “Impa! Take the girls and get outta here! Spot…! You’re going with them.”
“But I don’t wanna go with them!” Spot moaned.
“You’ll get a bunch of chicken bones if you do it!”
“Yeah, but…” Spot walked closer to John. “I love you guys…” he whined. John and the others began to stroke him.
“Aw, we love you too, pal!” James said. Spot drew back and straightened himself.
“Alright!” He barked.
“Who am I kidding?” John said. “This is a dream! Nothing could happen to us!” The others pretended not to notice. “Impa, find the nearest horse you can find and get Zelda outta here!” John said as they group began to move. “Malon, I’m assuming that you can get your own way out!” Malon nodded. “Alright, let’s get a move on!” John said as they broke out of the alley.
As the girls and dog went one way, the boys went another, but stopped dead at the sound of horse hoofs. “She couldn’t have found one that fast!” John said. But James shoved his brothers out of the way just in time as a skeletal horse rushed by and pulled to a stop. Atop the horse was a large dark man, with an unmistakable colored skin; olive green.
“Hello, children!” Ganondorf cackled. The boys kept a stern face. “Oh, isn’t it magnificent! My first real siege! I think I did a good job! Those monster trainers really outdid themselves!”
“Hey, Ganondorf!” John called as he held out his kazoo. “I never got the chance to play my song of pranks on you!” TOO TAA! TOO TAAAA! Gandondorf held out his hand as energy erupted from it. A charred lemon meringue pie fell to the ground. Ganondorf laughed.
“You’re all out attack the last time we met was all I needed for a little extra training!” Ganondorf said. John clapped his hands.
“Oh goodie! You’ve gotten better… (Guys! That was my last trick! We’re in trouble!)” John muttered. The horse took a step forward.
“Nice horse!” James said.
“You like it?” Ganondorf asked. “It’s a Stallion, get it? Stal-lion?” James spat out a rock he was chewing on and threw it at Ganondorf, only for it to disintegrate a moment later. Steve took out his slingshot and took aim; Ganondorf mockingly held out his chin. *THWWPT!*! “Gah! I guess my magic didn’t work since that was an actual attack and not a prank!”
“Well actually I’m just a bad shot!” Steve said. Ganondorf held out his hand.
“Maybe it’s the slingshot,” Ganondorf said. “Let me look at it.” Steve held out his slingshot. *Whack!* Steve was it face-first into the ground as he heard the horse gallop away. “So long, Boys! I’ve gotta princess to kidnap! And put in a castle! I should hire a dragon…” Steve’s brothers helped him to his feet.
“Steve! Why’d you let him hit you like that?!” James asked. Steve eyed his brother.
“Because he said please!” Steve replied in utter sarcasm.
“I’m starting to think that this dream isn’t that safe!” John said. The boys paid no attention as they got ready to split up.
“Hey guys, a thought just occurred to me,” Steve said. “I think this G-man they talk about is really Ganondorf!” His brothers gave him a hard look. “…What?”
John and James slowly walked through the empty town. All the buildings were bolted shut.
“Oh shoot!” John said. “We forgot to return the masks to the happy-guy freak!” But James spotted from behind the bushes bright red hair and two bloodshot eyes peering out at them.
“Uh, John!” James said.
“Ignore!” John said.
“But John! He’s…”
“I didn’t say I didn’t see him, I said ignore!” John said as he shoved James away. From behind the bushes, two pale hands clutched the brush, and out peered an unforgettable face and an unwavering grin “I didn’t get my money yet…”
“Oh shoot!” James said. “We forgot to get the Ocarina of time!”
“…-Oh Snap-!!”
Steve slowly approached the Temple of Time, which looked like a mighty cathedral, against a red-brown sky with purple lighting flashing every which way. But aside from the giggling gossip stones, it actually looked welcoming. Steve took a step closer, but a chill swept through the air. He took another and another chill hit his back. He slowly turned and looked with horror to see that wasn’t the wind, but breath, from a Stalfos. The black and red eyes glared down on Steve from his skeletal body. Steve nervously smiled.
[video=youtube;eHCGgdnpiw8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHCGgdnpiw8[/video]
“Sorry, I need to get going…” Steve took a step back, and the Stalfos crept forward. He took another step backward, and the Stalfos took another step forward. But Steve grew wise; odds were the Stalfos was mimicking his movements, so all he had to do was step forward until the Stalfos was far back enough for him to run, Steve took a step forward, and the Stalfos was right in front of him. Steve nervously smiled up at the Stalfos, and the warrior smiled sinisterly back. “Where are your annoying older brothers when you need them?” Steve asked.
“Mine are in the grave, as of now…” The skeleton replied. “Their having a timeout!” Steve nodded and turned around to walk for the temple, but the Stalfos grabbed him and turned him around. “There’s going to be a fight, isn’t there?” Steve asked. The Stalfos nodded. Steve readied his sword as the Stalfos drew his blade. The Stalfos began to march back and forth, chortling to himself. Steve carefully kept the monster z-targeted, but the creature lunged forward and hit Steve away with his shield. Steve quickly recovered and rushed back, and the two began to clash swords. Soon the two were grinding blades. “I was honestly hoping for someone at least a little taller,” The stalfos said. “I’ve heard that you’re the shortest of the three!” Steve shoved back, his teeth grinding. “DON’T CALL ME SHORT!” he growled as he shoved out of the lock and landed some hits, followed by the spin attack! The stalfos jumped back, but paused and looked at his chest. “Ah! One… two… I’ve only got two ribs left!” Steve ran forward and pulled one of the two remaining ribs leaving stalfos with one left. “Make that one…” Steve jabbed the skeleton in the neck, which in turn was the spinal cord. Steve locked the bone in place and jumped back. The stalfos struggled. “What did you do to me? I can’t move…” The stalfos whined
“Good, that means its working. Now then, have you heard of the Kokiri style of defense?” Steve asked.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, most of my family comes from the woods,” The Skeleton said.
“Then do you know of the Death point technique?” Steve asked. The Stalfos’ eyes widened.
“What that?” he asked.
“It’s a pressure point technique that when poked right under the nose…” Steve said as he got his finger dangerously close. “Can cause a chain reaction that will make all the bones in the body literally fall apart!”
“You couldn’t…” The stalfos sneered.
“I could!” Steve said.
“You shouldn’t…”
“I shall!” *Poin!* Even to Steve’s surprise, the technique worked, and the Stalfos began to fall apart. Steve readied his sword. “Hissatsu, my Hissatsu attack, Berserker version!” Steve unleashed a flurry of slashes from his sword, swiping away the brittle stalfos, until nothing but his head was left.
“*Ptoie!* Aw… Great!” The stalfos groaned as it spit out some teeth. Steve kicked the head away and put his sword back.
“I hope that didn’t take too long…” Steve said as he walked up to the Temple. But then he heard more foot steps. Steve immediately turned around and held his sword to the neck of the person who approached; James! And John was behind him!
“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry about the Shoe-tying rhyme!” James said. Steve put the sword back.
“What took you?” he asked. “I had to deal with that Stalfos on my own!”
“Oh, the skull that was cursing us,” John said. “We saw him hopping towards the castle. Should we go back and crush him?” James shook his head. “We’ll have plenty time for that. Let’s go in.” The group approached the temple, but they heard something. They turned around and saw Spot sitting behind them.
“I followed you to the temple because I love you…” he whined meekly.
“Aw, we wuv you too, buddy!” James said while he patted Spot’s head. “Did Malon—ah the girls get out?”
“Um, actually…” Just then, Impa and Zelda burst from out of the bushes, covered in burrs and scratches.
“Zelda insisted on helping you guys with this!” Impa said. “And Malon said she wanted to come and see what happens!”
“Then where’s Malon?” John asked.
“…Oh,” Impa turned around and there was Malon, clinging to her back. “She had a little run in with some bugs...”
“Where?! WHERE?!” Malon screamed as she jumped off of Impa’s back and looked around. John sighed.
“I guess since I forgot the Ocarina, you can come!” John said. “But let’s make it quick! That Stalfos is going to rat on us if we don’t move!”
“Actually, I think they should stay behind,” James said. “We already have this covered.”
“I wanna go inside!” Malon said as she ran up and fearfully grabbed James’ arm. “There aren’t any bugs in there, right?!”
“Go right in!” James said. John stared at James. “What?”
“BAKA!” was his reply.
The group entered the Temple and looked around. Every tile was gleaming and reflective. Pillars of marble were placed in two rows, running from the back of the temple to the entrance, and at the end; a wall with the emblem of hyrule on it, and in front of it stood a large pedestal.
“Ooh, a red carpet, someone must be expecting us!” Steve said. No one listened. Zelda walked ahead and looked at the pedestal.
“This is what opens the gate of time.” She said. “Boys, present to me the stones.” The boys held out their respective stones.
“We didn’t make this clear, what’s supposed to happen again?” Steve asked. Just then, the stones flew out of their hands and aligned on the pedestal. Zelda turned to the boys.
“Now all that’s left is that we play the melody.” She said.
“Zelda’s lullaby?” James asked. Zelda shook her head.
“No, the song of time. I haven’t told you of it yet.”
“You don’t have to,” John said. “We played the video-game!”
“I’ve had it!” Impa growled as she grabbed John by the collar. “How do you know these things?! And what is a video?”
“Oh Spotty!” John called. “Impa’s not playing nice!”
“OKAY OKAY!” Impa said as she dropped John and backed off.
“Even if you know the song,” Zelda said. “The melody must be accompanied by the voice royal blood.”
“You mean you’re going to sing it?!” Steve asked, a little nervous.
“Yep, it has lyrics.” The boys gave Zelda a look. “Kay so I made them up, but still…” The boys’ look hardened. “I really wanted to sing…” Zelda said with big eyes.
“Go right ahead!” John said. James looked hard at his brother. “What?”
“BAKA!” James snapped. John reared back in offense.
“Er-hm!” The boys looked back and readied their instruments. “Wait!” Zelda said. She held out the Ocarina of Time. “Someone needs to play this. John ran over to grab it, but Steve shoved him away. Steve grabbed the ocarina.
“I am the green one!” he said. The others meekly nodded. Steve walked back to the others and got ready to play. “One… two… Three!”
[video=youtube;qeCEg8aPLco]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeCEg8aPLco[/video]
“Imo…to Mira…I Merodi wa Uta no Toki...” Zelda sang. There was a pause. Then rumbling filled the temple. The gems began to glow and rotate, and the wall at the end of the temple flashed, and in a moment, it was gone. The rumbling stopped. The wall revealed a small chamber. The group approached and looked inside.
“That’s a lot of light,” Spot said. The boys walked forward and saw a sword with a purple hilt driven into the center of the room… oh who am I kidding? It was the master sword! Everyone knows that!
“Kay, ‘a sword in the stone,’ who didn’t see this coming?” John asked.
“If it’s a sword in the stone, then that means that only one person can pull it out!” Steve said. *Woosh!* too late. John ran over first. With a cackle, John grabbed the sword, and pulled, and pulled, and pulled. It didn’t budge. John sighed and backed away. Then James ran over. But the pulling became so difficult that he resorted to push it out by the hilt all to no avail. “None of you could do it?” Steve asked. “Does that mean… it’s me?” he asked. He walked forward and reached for the hilt. He could hear majestic music playing in his mind… He pulled at the Sword and it moved! He pulled harder and it didn’t move… and the music ripped off like record player. Steve let go and looked at the sword with a sigh. “Why?” he asked. The sword slid back into place. “AAH!!” Steve drew his sword and wildly slashed at the sword.
“Oh, my!” Impa gasped. “He scarred the sacred blade!” Steve looked closely and saw that there was a small gash; that closed up on its own!! Steve stared.
“Maybe it would work if we all do it,” James said.
“Oh, yeah sure!” John said as they all approached the sword and grabbed the handle. “Let’s all grab this together, what kind of idea is--!” *VYUUM!* Light filled the room, and that was the last thing John and James saw… for a few minutes. The two shook their heads as their vision returned. They looked around and saw that Steve and the Master Sword were gone. James reached out and waved in the space.
“John, we didn’t happen to be touching anybody, did we?” James asked. John shook his head. Suddenly a black-red portal opened up, sending energy everywhere. John and James held their ground against the surge of energy.
“…Where are the girls?” John asked.
“AAAH!” The two turned around and just saw the girls and Spot leave the temple.
“You know what?” James asked. “I’m starting to thing that Ganondorf got in the sacred realm!”
“*GASP* So was I!” John exclaimed.
“…-AAAAAAHH-!!!!” The two ran out of the Temple as fast as they could. They played the game. Odds were Steve was in the sacred realm, and wouldn’t be out for a couple of years. But until then, the two would have to hold their ground. If this is the way things worked out, then they’d have to let the events in the game get executed. Until then, they’d have to live without their little younger Brother, Steve. As the group ran outside they heard the last thing they’d expect from John.
“I WANNA WAKE U-UP!!”
Child Saga~Fin
Chpt 19:The Sapphire, the Skeletons, and a Siege
Steve stood on top of Jabu-Jabu and took a much deserved breath of fresh air. No more fish guts, no more Baris or juices and most of all, no more Ruto. But when he turned around, but was he saw was so terrible, he was struck by so much fear, that all he could do was fall off and scream “RUTOOOOO!!” Steve would’ve considered himself escaped, but he forgot; he can’t swim well. He barely made it over to a submerged tree and wrapped his limbs around a branch.
“These clothes…Were m-made for cold w-weather!” his said in between shivering. “N-not! Cold, w-water!” Ruto, who was watching from her perch on Jabu, giggled and dived down. She swam over to Steve.
“Hi Link-y!” she cooed.
“Link-y?” Steve asked under his breath. “When did it turn to Link-y?!”
“I’m glad to see that you’re alright!” she said.
“Oh-no, if I was alright, I’d be dead!” Steve hissed. Ruto giggled.
“You’re so funny!” she said happily. “You little cutie!” she said as she pinched his cheek.
“Help…me!” Steve growled in a half whisper to his brothers, who were still on top of the great whale.
“This is great!” John said as he began to eat Popcorn from his hat.
“You have popcorn in your cap?” Malon asked.
“Don’t question it!” James said as he took a handful.
“Hey, share!” Spot whined. John tossed the dog a treat of popcorn. Meanwhile, Steve endured Ruto as much as he could.
“I knew you had a crush on me ever since you caught me…” she went on. “It was only obvious. You’re so much better than your brother. He’s such a coral-head. But you’re witty and funny…”
“For once I wish that wasn’t true!” Steve said as drummed his fingers.
“…And cute!” she added.
“Pfft! Cute?!” Steve asked. “I look just the same as John! or James!”
“But green makes you look so much cuter!” she said as she began to twiddle Steve’s hair.
“Hey! I don’t wanna look, if that’s what you’re thinking! You’re jumpin to conclusions!” Steve said as he began to wave his arms.
“Don’t do that!” Ruto said. “If you let go, you might sink and we’ll get separated!” It was too tempting. Steve was at the bottom of the fountain within a few seconds. But then the thought struck him, is being away from Ruto really more desirable than air?
“Steve!!” James shouted as he prepared to dive. But then John grabbed him.
“Don’t do that, you’ll sink like a rock, boulder-breath!” John said. “Steve’s perfectly safe!”
“With Ruto?!” James asked. “He’s dead!”
“Maybe emotionally,” John said. “But safe.”
“…Yeah, I can’t swim well, anyway.” James said as he sat down.
“It would be nice to see someone help for his brother,” Malon said endearingly.
“…I may be hopeless, but I’m no fool!” James said.
“Hey! Steve’s on the other side of the lake!” Navi cried.
Steve broke the surface. His plan worked; he swam to the other side of the lake without Ruto spotting him, and now he can breath, and was safe. Or so he thought.
“Now Ruto’s swimming over!” Terry added. Steve quickly grew aware of his predicament and dove under water. Ruto followed. There was silence. Then a bubble began to form at the surface. The bubble got bigger… bigger, bigger still, until it burst. *POP---HEEEEEEEELP!!* Steve shot out of the water and streaked down the hall leading back to the Zora Domain. Ruto skipped after him. “This is Zelda, not Pepe la Pew!” Terry said.
“He shot outta there like a toad that just came outta the fryin’ pan!” Malon exclaimed.
“I don’t know what that means, but it works!!” John said.
Later, the party ventured back into the Zora domain. Ruto was running from room to room, calling “Link-y! Link-y!”
“Not to side with Ruto,” James said. “But I wanna know where he is too!”
“Psst!” The group looked up. Steve was hanging by a stalactite on the ceiling. From what he could risk while he hung on, he made rapid gestures to John. John gave his little brother and a-ok.
“Ruto?” he asked. Ruto turned around to reveal a disgusted face.
“What?” she asked.
“Why would you be so interested in Steve if he’s the same as me?” John asked.
“He’s not half as rude as you, he doesn’t pull any pranks, and he’s not a bit as disgusting!”
“Have you seen the way he picks his nose?” John asked. Steve glared from his perch.
“Every love has a few flaws!” Ruto said.
“Alright, if you really wanna know where Steve is, walk ahead and look up!” John said. Steve couldn’t find his voice to scream.
“Hah! I know you!” Ruto said. “I’ll take a step backwards and look down!” Ten seconds later, and Ruto was staring at the floor a few paces away. “…I’m starting to think that you were intending this!” she said. John gave James a signal. James tossed a small bomb at Steve’s stalactite.
“WUaaaah!!” Steve let go just in time as the bomb exploded and hit the stalactite. Steve hit the ground relatively easy, that’s more than I could say for Ruto, who was hit in the head by the fallen Stalactite. James pulled his dazed brother to his feet and rushed him to the door.
“Ruto? Ruto…!” John said quietly as he slapped Ruto’s unconscious face. The rest of the party began to run for the door, except John. “Here ya go!” he shouted as he quickly gave the chamber-pot back to the king. John ran off to quick for the king to respond. “You girls! Get outside and go to the entrance of the lake!” John called. “James, Steve! Follow me! We’re gonna jump for the waterfall!”
“But I’ll sink!” James exclaimed.
“Kinda the point!” John said. James gripped his heart. Ruto began to come to. “Come on! Go Go!” John said as they ran for the waterfall. Before they could run out to the dive however, a battered Ruto jumped in front of him.
“You tricked me!” She shrieked. “You’ve gone down the right road for another Zora-swirly!” This was followed by a maniacal laugh.
“Ruto, wait!” John said meekly. “First, please answer a question! It’s an engagement question…”
“Ooh, what?” Ruto asked as she calmed down.
“What’s A equal if A2+C3=9?!” John blurted out. Ruto paused, but began to hold her head in pain. Brain strain. Steam shot out of her ears as she fell to the floor.
“Are we gonna leave her like that?” James asked.
“Who cares?!” Steve cried. “Jump for it!” The three dove into the water. With what little breath they could hold, John led them through an underwater duct. Within seconds, James saw the blessed form of the surface above his head and rushed for air. The three broke the surface in Lake Hylia, not too far from land where the girls were helping the cart unto Epona, who had been waiting patiently at the lake. James took a deep breath of air as he hit the sand bar.
“Ah… Sweet fresh non-fishy air!” he said as he inhaled. “No more water! Just smooth sailing!” *Rumble!* “…Man I’m thirsty!” James said. “Mizu…mizu… where could I get some…” James saw something shine in the water. He picked out a bottle that had a note in it. “…Guy’s! Come take a look at this!” James brother’s gathered as he pulled the cork and read the note. “Please help, I’m in the belly of a whale… signed Gan [Scbbled out Ruto…” The group stared. “I’m keeping the bottle,” James said as he threw the note away.
“Now who do we know has handwriting like 1stgrader and writes his ‘E’s backwards?” Steve asked.
“Don’t care,” John said as he took the note and stuffed it into his pouch. The group climbed into the cart, Spot quickly following.
“This is great!” He panted as he stuck his head out of the side. “I haven’t been in a… what do people call ‘em again?”
“Cars?” James said obliviously.
“Yeah, Cats on wheels!” Spot said.
“How does that work…?” Steve asked.
“Have you seen a cat run?” Spot asked. “If you did, then you’d know! Albeit this one is smaller, has no backbone, no front legs, and is being pulled by a dangerously thin grazer!” Epona let out an angry whinny.
“Cow,” Steve corrected.
“I can’t wait to hang the old taster out of a moving object!” Spot whined happily.
“This is terrible!!” Spot whined as he hung his head. Epona’s pace was slow enough to be outrun by a frog. “I though tall-runners were supposed to be fast!”
“Maybe she’s taking it easy on account of being called a cow!” Steve said. Everyone stared at Steve and his strange knowledge. “It’s just intuition…” Steve said with a shrug.
“From someone who doesn’t know the exact meaning of the word, something’s up!” James said.
“That or the fact that she’s carrying eight people, not counting the dog!” Steve said.
“But there’s nobody else here!” Impa said.
“This is on the child scale, Impa,” Steve said.
“Oh…Okay,” There was a pause. “I like you better then your elder!” Impa said while she patted Steve’s head. “You’re not as rude.”
“With all do respect…” Steve said, “I haven’t been brave enough, yet…” Steve’s eyes widened. “Guys, I just realized something. Who has the sapphire?” everyone gasped. James felt his pouch and shook his head. Steve screamed. “I’m not going back there!” he said. “Neither am I!” the rest of the party mumbled.
“Actually…” John said. “I took advantage of all those times we got the better of Ruto and…”
“You didn’t!” James exclaimed. John held out the sapphire.
“She’ll never miss it!” he said with a smug look on his face.
“Who here’s hungry?” James broke in. A few raised their hands. “Good I brought snacks!” James reached into his wallet.
“If you’re not gonna take out something that’s not a Rupee, not interested!” Malon said. James sighed and threw a rupee into his mouth.
“I’m hungry…” Zelda moaned.
“What are we gonna do, fish?” John asked. Pause. “Look!” There was a small house in the distance with a large sign next to it, with big letters saying ‘Fishing pond; where you coincidentally need to be!’
“…How does he know that we need to go there?” Navi asked.
“That wasn’t there before,” James said with confusion in his voice.
The group stepped into the small house, to see that it wasn’t much of a house, but only a barrier to a large pond. There was a counter with empty tanks behind it, and there was a middle-aged man behind it too.
“Welcome!” he called. “The fishing pond is wide open! All you can fish for just twenty rupees! Step right up!” James walked over to the counter.
“Good day,” he said politely. James spotted the man’s nametag. James’ eyes widened when he read. “G-Ganny?!”
“Oh, Gannivonni, it’s a family name,” he said as he held it up. James stood puzzled.
“This isn’t yours, is it?” John asked as he held out the crumpled note. The man read the note and nodded.
“Yep, I wrote that! A little late to rescue me, though…” John paused after he heard this.
“But how did Ruto get in the signature?” he asked. Ganny shrugged.
“Beats me. Anyone could’ve found it. I didn’t have enough time to finish it anyway.”
“You were in the belly of a whale?!” Steve asked.
“Jabu-Jabu, long and messy story, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Ganny straightened his shirt. “Now then, who would like to fish? You can keep the specimen, or store it here, and if you’re lucky (and I mean Lucky) you could catch the rare Hylian loach! So who’ll step right up?!” James cleared his throat and pointed at the desk. There was a red rupee on the counter. Ganny turned and saw Steve was already fishing. “Well, why didn’t little boy blue take a chance at it?” he asked as he looked at John.
“ ‘Cause little boy blue hates fish!” John replied.
“NO! Shh! Quiet! The fish could’ve heard that!” Ganny said urgently.
“Woah!!” Steve caught a fish and began to pull at the rod.
“Pull and reel, kid!” Ganny called. “That’s the way to catch a fish!” Steve was pulled in. Ganny began to scratch his arms. But soon he began to scratch like crazy.
“You feeling alright?” Terry asked.
“Yeah sorry, I have a rare skin condition, whenever I think of the Hylian Loach, my skin breaks out. Makes me itch. I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“So, you’ve been ‘itchin’ for someone to catch it?” Impa asked. Ganny glared at her as he scratched his back. “Oh… that’s another fish of the hook,” Impa said with a sigh. Ganny froze.
“Oh… a fish joke… tell another one!” he begged. Gaia groaned.
“This is worse than watching Terry grow grass!”
“I caught it!” the group turned and saw Steve carrying a large greenish fish. “I caught the loach!”
“DROP THAT! That’s my employee of the month!” Ganny screamed.
“Wha--?!” the fish smacked Steve with its tail and flopped back into the water.
“That’s my employee!” Ganny said as he hopped out of his desk. “I pay him by the hour to not get caught!”
“You named him Loachy?” John asked.
“No, his mom did!” Ganny said. “Who do think named him, the dad?” Steve was too confused to stop Ganny from running past. “I told you not to get cocky!” Ganny growled as he pointed at the water. “You’re not getting that Christmas bonus because of this, hear me?!” his answer was a squirt of water in his face. Ganny shuddered and walked away.
“That’s my fish!!” Steve cried as he tried to leap back into the water. But John picked up the rod and hooked Steve by the pants. “Oh…!” Steve stood paralyzed.
“Come on bro, we can find someplace else to eat!” John said.
“Could you let go?” Steve asked. “I’m getting a hooked-wedgie!”
“Oh, pardon me!” John let go and Steve fell into the water, again.
***
On the other side of the lake, two figures broke the surface. It was Slime and Slick, the Lizalfos from the two dungeons.
“I HATE alternate openings!” Slick, the thinner of the two said as he began to dog-paddle.
“Whales should clean their noses!” Slime, the plumper, said as he reached for a piece of Land to grab unto. But the piece of land he grabbed had two giant boots on it. The two looked up and saw a large Moblin looking down on them.
“Good day, good sirs!” It said in a British-accent. “Now then, how about the Sapphire? We agreed that you would deliver the gem to me in exactly twenty-four hours, now then, please may I have the gem? The G-man offered me good money for it!” The two Brothers looked at each other.
“Yeah, about that…” Slime said.
“We’ll have to give it to you Friday. Sorry, we lost track of it after some---GYA!!” The two found themselves being lifted out of the water by the neck.
“That’s funny,” The Moblin said. “I could’ve sworn we agreed on a day’s time, not four!” his accent diminished with every word. “It would’ve been much healthier for both of us if you followed the plan!” He said as his grip tightened. He released his grip and let the Lizalfos drop to the ground in front of him.
“Wait!” Slick croaked. “It’s not our fault! There were three boys! Dressed like Peter Pan, and their crazy dog attacked us!”
“Dogs don’t attack, they take little bites!” The moblin said.
“What? Little Bites?” The lizalfos held up his disfigured tail. “Does this look like little bites to you?!” The moblin snarled. “Wait! This might help us find the three! They wore the three colors of the Hylian flag!”
“WHAT?!” The Moblin grabbed the two and held them up by the heads. “Are you to tell me that the Tri-Bros are already here?! Prematurely?! And with the rock?!”
“We’d tell you more.” Slime squealed. “But your sausage fingers, are crushing, my skull!” The Moblin snorted as he dragged the two away.
“…Where are we going?” Slick asked.
***
Outside the house there was a high ledge. A ledge that could be used to dive into the water. The group stood at the top, while Steve had a long elastic rope tied to his ankle, which was tied to a small post. Steve was preparing to dive as the party and some on looking Zoras chanted “LINK! LINK! LINK! LINK! LINK!” Ganny ran outside and stared in amazement.
“What in the name of Jabu are ya doing?!” he cried.
“I, Link Steve Heroda, am going to dive into the water using this elastic bungee rope, and grab with my own hands, a rare hylian catfish, right off of its sea-floor home!” Ganny scurried up the ledge.
“You can’t do that!” he said. “This is still my land! You can’t do anything crazy on my land!” Steve prepared to dive, but Ganny grabbed him and pulled off the rope letting it fall to the ground. “This is my property! No one will do anything suicide, on, my… property…!” Ganny began to lose his balance. James reached out to grab his arm, but Ganny fell down the ledge, with the rope snaking around his leg. “AUUUGH-HA-AUUUGH!” the group watched in awe as he fell into the water, sprang out into the air, and landed on the ledge. He lay there with a fish in his mouth.
“You don’t wanna talk about it I take it?” James asked. Ganny spat the fish out, landing it not too far from James’ feet.
“I HATE SUSHI!” He growled.
***
After a small meal of fried and seasoned fish, the party set out back to Hyrule field. Epona trotted more quickly this time. John finished his substitute apple and tossed the core. Malon had already told Epona to ‘go to work,’ so Epona was pulling the cart in the direction of the castle. Malon counted the profit they had made selling the milk.
“This isn’t good…” she said quietly.
“What isn’t?” James asked.
“We only made 12 rupees profit! Pa said we had to make 20 or I wouldn’t be able to leave the ranch for a while, remember?” James nodded. “We only made twelve…” The group was silent.
“Oh well, that’s the end of farm girl.” Terry said. Gaia slapped Terry away, sending him into the ground, just in front of Epona. The squishing sound was very audible. Everyone paused.
“We can do without her, right?” Steve asked. James stomped on Steve’s foot in response as he reached into his wallet. He handed Malon two blue rupees. Malon stared.
“Where’d you get these?” she asked.
“Grass,” James answered. “You should try it.” James said, looking away.
“Aren’t you the little love-bird?!” Terry mocked as he managed to catch up with the cart. “Why don’t you give her more?”
“Then it’d be like lying!” James said.
“…I should probably get back to the ranch,” Malon said. “Pa should be worried.” Epona began to quicken her pace.
“With all do respect,” James said. “I think that the urgency of the three stones demands that we should get to the town as soon as possible.”
“Oh, that’s a shame,” Malon said. “I was going to give you a goodbye-kiss!”
“Guys! We’re changin’ course!” James called. John smacked James to bring him to his senses.
“BAKA!” John said angrily. “The town, then the ranch, kay Malon?” John asked. Malon nodded. Epona let out a groan, whinny thingy.
Some time began to pass, and night began to fall. Steve began to grow tired. He lay down on the side of the wagon and tried to rest, but some awful singing caught his ear.
“Oh gimme a home! Where the people don’t roam! Where the animals don’t work all day!” Steve was too awe struck by the utter awfulness to ask who it came from.
“M-Malon?” Steve asked. His answer was a snore. Malon was asleep. In fact, everyone was asleep. And to his amusement, Impa, the top-duty body-guard, was too. The fairies were curled in a ball in James’ lap, initially sleeping, and Spot was sleeping too. Steve shakily looked the Horse. “E-Epona?” he asked.
“What?” Steve stared. “What? No order? Hmf! Its not like you can hear me anyway!”
“I can…” Steve said.
“Yeah, there you go and… can?!” Epona slowed down a little. “That’s impossible!”
“I could talk to Spot,” Steve said.
“Anyone could understand that old mutt!” Epona said with a snort.
“Hey!” Spot woke up and frowned at Epona. “I resemble that remark!” Spot paused. “And who’s you to call me old? You don’t look to different from Katana-Mama!” To everyone’s surprise, Impa didn’t react, even in her sleep. Steve assumed that his life in the forest had something to do with it, but he ignored it. He even began to have nice chats with Epona. Secrets about Ingo, Mido, and Talon were exchanged and laughed at. Steve began to laugh out loud at one of the jokes Epona made. Malon looked at the two half-asleep.
“Keep talkin’ to yourself like that and people will think you’re crazy!” She said.
“I’m not that worried about stuff like that, Malon,” Steve said.
“I wasn’t talkin’… to you,” Malon said as she fell back asleep. Now it was Steve’s turn to question someone’s sanity. It was soon completely night, and the view of the castle came into view. But Epona suddenly jerked to a stop. Epona wasn’t saying anything.
John turned in his sleep. He rolled unto his back and began to suck his thumb. But then he noticed that his thumb tasted… bitter. Awfully bitter. John made faces in his sleep as he digested the information; eventually he winced and opened his eyes a little, and beheld a skeletal little creatyre in front of him, and whose thumb he was sucking. John sat up and faced the creature.
“Excuse me, do you like fetch?” He asked.
“Kiiindaaa…” The creature breathed. John tried not to gag at the creature’s breath.
“Well, my dog, just loves fetch!” John said. He tore off one of the creature’s bare ribs and threw it out of the cart. Spot Jumped to his feet and ran after it with the creature in hot pursuit. John got to his feet and saw that the cart was surrounded by these creatures. “Everyone wake up!” John called. “IT’S THE STALKIDS!!”
[video=youtube;CgJo1Ss3gck]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgJo1Ss3gck[/video]
James was immediately aware (out of practice) and jumped to his feet. Zelda slowly raised her head, only to just get missed by one of James’ sword slashes. A Stalkid’s head was knocked off and landed chattering next to Malon. Malon woke up and screamed at the sight, and pulled a… pitchfork, out of thin air and whammed it in the head. Everyone got out of the cart and moved cautiously around the horde of creatures that were surrounding the cart. Malon repelled another Stalkid with her pitchfork.
“Where’d you get that?” Zelda asked.
“I keep a stash of tools hidden throughout the cart just in case,” Malon said as she stabbed a Stalkid. She hit the Stalkid right in the funny bone.
“Ge-yahahahahaha!” The Stalkid fell to the ground and began to squirm on the gorund, wailing “Make it stop!!” he wailed.
“Could you pull something out for me?” Zelda asked as she pushed a Stalkid away from her. Malon pulled a long stick from the axle of the cart and handed it to Zelda. Zelda stared. “A bo? Seriously?” Malon pulled a wickedly long blade from the stick that acted like a sheath. “Woah! Why does a farm girl need something like this?”
“You don’t wanna know,” Malon said. Meanwhile, John held up his shield and repelled some Stalkids while James began to outflank a single Stalkid.
“Wait… what’s with the song?” he asked. “And a bunch of colored heroes, fighting a swarm of identical enemies? This is Zelda, not Power Rangers! We don’t even know Karate!” Two Stalkids ran up to John, only for him to jump and do a mid-air split-kick, sending them flying. John hit the ground and tried not to scream from the pain of doing a splits. John saw that James was having trouble with the Stalkid and ran to the other side.
“Double whammy?” John asked. “You’re on!” James said as he readied his position. The Stalkid looked both ways as the two brothers ran towards him and jumped into the air.
“Uh-oh…”
Steve jumped into the air and began to run one everyone of the Stalkid’s heads. “Onetwothreefourfive…” Steve knocked over a whole group with one kick. “’Lost count… nya-haha!”
The chaos ensued. But then one Stalkid held up his hand. “Enough…” it moaned. It held out his boney hand. “Ted…” it moaned. A headless Stalkid approached the group, pointing at its lack of a cranium. John looked at the party. They nodded. John carefully pulled out his souvenir Stalkid skull and placed it on the Skeleton’s head, backwards. The Stalkid cracked it back into proper position. “Now… we are complete…” The Stalkids said as they began to leave. “…TO DO THIS!!” The Stalkids grabbed each other and merged into a giant Stalkid! The group could only stare.
“What’d I miss?” Impa asked as she woke up… but then she saw the Stalkid giant. “W-ah!” Spot looked up, and his mouth began to drool like crazy.
“Look… at… all… those… Bones!!” Spot said as he jumped at the giant, effectively tearing off the funny bone. The Stalkid began to hold its ribcage, but began to laugh like crazy! “Was it something I said?” Spot asked. But when he looked back at the Stalkid, it had laughed itself to pieces, the bones burning away.
“Well that was fun,” James said as he sheathed his sword. Everyone stretched and yawned as they began to climb back into the cart.
“Thank goodness, I thought they were going to eat me!” Epona whinnied. Steve ignored her. After a short while, they arrived at the gates of the City. Impa stretched as she unlatched the gate. There was a red glow above the city.
“Oh look, they’re having a party!” Impa said. James froze.
“That’s not a party, those are flames!” James shouted as he ran through the gate, the others close behind.
***
There was indeed a large fire, but it was in the center of town, and everyone was holding hands and dancing around it. James looked sheepishly at the others, and was smacked by John. Steve tugged at one of the people’s sleeves.
“What’s cooking?” he asked.
“The logs!” the person replied. “We’re having a party!” James was smacked again.
“What for?” Steve asked.
“We’re celebrating! We’re under siege!” Steve blinked twice, and tried to laugh, but he knew what he heard. The group heard rumbling and turned to see a large amount of Monsters coming from the direction of the castle. “Here they are!” the people called. “Places everyone… AAAAH!” They ran wildly but unconvincingly. The monsters, which consisted mainly of Lizalfos and Stalfos, came into view of the bonfire.
“That stuff the G-man put in the food supply worked like a charm!” It said. “Now the town’s as dumb as a post!”
“Oh…” Zelda said. “…I’m glad I went with you guys.”
“So am I,” John said.
“THE PRINCESS!” One of them called. “There she is! Grab the ocarina!”
“Excuse me!” John shouted as he ran over. “Are the ones who are making us go under siege?” he asked.
“…Yes! Yes we are!” A Lizalfos said in a childish voice.
“Can I have your autograph?” John asked as he held out a notepad.
“Oh, sure…! Uh, got a pen?” it asked.
“Right here!” John said as he held out a quill feather, and stabbed it in the Lizalfos’ arm!
“AUUUGH! He broke my wrist bone!” it wailed as it held its arm. The group fled as fast as they could before hiding in an alley.
“Alright, we need to do something and then regroup!” John said. “It’s too risky to stay a group for now!”
“But… we’ve been through so much!” James said. “I don’t wanna split now!”
“James, we all know you’re talking about Malon, shushup,” John said. “The three of us will go to the temple of Time and do the whatever song and get going before Ganondorf does!” “Impa! Take the girls and get outta here! Spot…! You’re going with them.”
“But I don’t wanna go with them!” Spot moaned.
“You’ll get a bunch of chicken bones if you do it!”
“Yeah, but…” Spot walked closer to John. “I love you guys…” he whined. John and the others began to stroke him.
“Aw, we love you too, pal!” James said. Spot drew back and straightened himself.
“Alright!” He barked.
“Who am I kidding?” John said. “This is a dream! Nothing could happen to us!” The others pretended not to notice. “Impa, find the nearest horse you can find and get Zelda outta here!” John said as they group began to move. “Malon, I’m assuming that you can get your own way out!” Malon nodded. “Alright, let’s get a move on!” John said as they broke out of the alley.
As the girls and dog went one way, the boys went another, but stopped dead at the sound of horse hoofs. “She couldn’t have found one that fast!” John said. But James shoved his brothers out of the way just in time as a skeletal horse rushed by and pulled to a stop. Atop the horse was a large dark man, with an unmistakable colored skin; olive green.
“Hello, children!” Ganondorf cackled. The boys kept a stern face. “Oh, isn’t it magnificent! My first real siege! I think I did a good job! Those monster trainers really outdid themselves!”
“Hey, Ganondorf!” John called as he held out his kazoo. “I never got the chance to play my song of pranks on you!” TOO TAA! TOO TAAAA! Gandondorf held out his hand as energy erupted from it. A charred lemon meringue pie fell to the ground. Ganondorf laughed.
“You’re all out attack the last time we met was all I needed for a little extra training!” Ganondorf said. John clapped his hands.
“Oh goodie! You’ve gotten better… (Guys! That was my last trick! We’re in trouble!)” John muttered. The horse took a step forward.
“Nice horse!” James said.
“You like it?” Ganondorf asked. “It’s a Stallion, get it? Stal-lion?” James spat out a rock he was chewing on and threw it at Ganondorf, only for it to disintegrate a moment later. Steve took out his slingshot and took aim; Ganondorf mockingly held out his chin. *THWWPT!*! “Gah! I guess my magic didn’t work since that was an actual attack and not a prank!”
“Well actually I’m just a bad shot!” Steve said. Ganondorf held out his hand.
“Maybe it’s the slingshot,” Ganondorf said. “Let me look at it.” Steve held out his slingshot. *Whack!* Steve was it face-first into the ground as he heard the horse gallop away. “So long, Boys! I’ve gotta princess to kidnap! And put in a castle! I should hire a dragon…” Steve’s brothers helped him to his feet.
“Steve! Why’d you let him hit you like that?!” James asked. Steve eyed his brother.
“Because he said please!” Steve replied in utter sarcasm.
“I’m starting to think that this dream isn’t that safe!” John said. The boys paid no attention as they got ready to split up.
“Hey guys, a thought just occurred to me,” Steve said. “I think this G-man they talk about is really Ganondorf!” His brothers gave him a hard look. “…What?”
John and James slowly walked through the empty town. All the buildings were bolted shut.
“Oh shoot!” John said. “We forgot to return the masks to the happy-guy freak!” But James spotted from behind the bushes bright red hair and two bloodshot eyes peering out at them.
“Uh, John!” James said.
“Ignore!” John said.
“But John! He’s…”
“I didn’t say I didn’t see him, I said ignore!” John said as he shoved James away. From behind the bushes, two pale hands clutched the brush, and out peered an unforgettable face and an unwavering grin “I didn’t get my money yet…”
“Oh shoot!” James said. “We forgot to get the Ocarina of time!”
“…-Oh Snap-!!”
Steve slowly approached the Temple of Time, which looked like a mighty cathedral, against a red-brown sky with purple lighting flashing every which way. But aside from the giggling gossip stones, it actually looked welcoming. Steve took a step closer, but a chill swept through the air. He took another and another chill hit his back. He slowly turned and looked with horror to see that wasn’t the wind, but breath, from a Stalfos. The black and red eyes glared down on Steve from his skeletal body. Steve nervously smiled.
[video=youtube;eHCGgdnpiw8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHCGgdnpiw8[/video]
“Sorry, I need to get going…” Steve took a step back, and the Stalfos crept forward. He took another step backward, and the Stalfos took another step forward. But Steve grew wise; odds were the Stalfos was mimicking his movements, so all he had to do was step forward until the Stalfos was far back enough for him to run, Steve took a step forward, and the Stalfos was right in front of him. Steve nervously smiled up at the Stalfos, and the warrior smiled sinisterly back. “Where are your annoying older brothers when you need them?” Steve asked.
“Mine are in the grave, as of now…” The skeleton replied. “Their having a timeout!” Steve nodded and turned around to walk for the temple, but the Stalfos grabbed him and turned him around. “There’s going to be a fight, isn’t there?” Steve asked. The Stalfos nodded. Steve readied his sword as the Stalfos drew his blade. The Stalfos began to march back and forth, chortling to himself. Steve carefully kept the monster z-targeted, but the creature lunged forward and hit Steve away with his shield. Steve quickly recovered and rushed back, and the two began to clash swords. Soon the two were grinding blades. “I was honestly hoping for someone at least a little taller,” The stalfos said. “I’ve heard that you’re the shortest of the three!” Steve shoved back, his teeth grinding. “DON’T CALL ME SHORT!” he growled as he shoved out of the lock and landed some hits, followed by the spin attack! The stalfos jumped back, but paused and looked at his chest. “Ah! One… two… I’ve only got two ribs left!” Steve ran forward and pulled one of the two remaining ribs leaving stalfos with one left. “Make that one…” Steve jabbed the skeleton in the neck, which in turn was the spinal cord. Steve locked the bone in place and jumped back. The stalfos struggled. “What did you do to me? I can’t move…” The stalfos whined
“Good, that means its working. Now then, have you heard of the Kokiri style of defense?” Steve asked.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, most of my family comes from the woods,” The Skeleton said.
“Then do you know of the Death point technique?” Steve asked. The Stalfos’ eyes widened.
“What that?” he asked.
“It’s a pressure point technique that when poked right under the nose…” Steve said as he got his finger dangerously close. “Can cause a chain reaction that will make all the bones in the body literally fall apart!”
“You couldn’t…” The stalfos sneered.
“I could!” Steve said.
“You shouldn’t…”
“I shall!” *Poin!* Even to Steve’s surprise, the technique worked, and the Stalfos began to fall apart. Steve readied his sword. “Hissatsu, my Hissatsu attack, Berserker version!” Steve unleashed a flurry of slashes from his sword, swiping away the brittle stalfos, until nothing but his head was left.
“*Ptoie!* Aw… Great!” The stalfos groaned as it spit out some teeth. Steve kicked the head away and put his sword back.
“I hope that didn’t take too long…” Steve said as he walked up to the Temple. But then he heard more foot steps. Steve immediately turned around and held his sword to the neck of the person who approached; James! And John was behind him!
“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry about the Shoe-tying rhyme!” James said. Steve put the sword back.
“What took you?” he asked. “I had to deal with that Stalfos on my own!”
“Oh, the skull that was cursing us,” John said. “We saw him hopping towards the castle. Should we go back and crush him?” James shook his head. “We’ll have plenty time for that. Let’s go in.” The group approached the temple, but they heard something. They turned around and saw Spot sitting behind them.
“I followed you to the temple because I love you…” he whined meekly.
“Aw, we wuv you too, buddy!” James said while he patted Spot’s head. “Did Malon—ah the girls get out?”
“Um, actually…” Just then, Impa and Zelda burst from out of the bushes, covered in burrs and scratches.
“Zelda insisted on helping you guys with this!” Impa said. “And Malon said she wanted to come and see what happens!”
“Then where’s Malon?” John asked.
“…Oh,” Impa turned around and there was Malon, clinging to her back. “She had a little run in with some bugs...”
“Where?! WHERE?!” Malon screamed as she jumped off of Impa’s back and looked around. John sighed.
“I guess since I forgot the Ocarina, you can come!” John said. “But let’s make it quick! That Stalfos is going to rat on us if we don’t move!”
“Actually, I think they should stay behind,” James said. “We already have this covered.”
“I wanna go inside!” Malon said as she ran up and fearfully grabbed James’ arm. “There aren’t any bugs in there, right?!”
“Go right in!” James said. John stared at James. “What?”
“BAKA!” was his reply.
The group entered the Temple and looked around. Every tile was gleaming and reflective. Pillars of marble were placed in two rows, running from the back of the temple to the entrance, and at the end; a wall with the emblem of hyrule on it, and in front of it stood a large pedestal.
“Ooh, a red carpet, someone must be expecting us!” Steve said. No one listened. Zelda walked ahead and looked at the pedestal.
“This is what opens the gate of time.” She said. “Boys, present to me the stones.” The boys held out their respective stones.
“We didn’t make this clear, what’s supposed to happen again?” Steve asked. Just then, the stones flew out of their hands and aligned on the pedestal. Zelda turned to the boys.
“Now all that’s left is that we play the melody.” She said.
“Zelda’s lullaby?” James asked. Zelda shook her head.
“No, the song of time. I haven’t told you of it yet.”
“You don’t have to,” John said. “We played the video-game!”
“I’ve had it!” Impa growled as she grabbed John by the collar. “How do you know these things?! And what is a video?”
“Oh Spotty!” John called. “Impa’s not playing nice!”
“OKAY OKAY!” Impa said as she dropped John and backed off.
“Even if you know the song,” Zelda said. “The melody must be accompanied by the voice royal blood.”
“You mean you’re going to sing it?!” Steve asked, a little nervous.
“Yep, it has lyrics.” The boys gave Zelda a look. “Kay so I made them up, but still…” The boys’ look hardened. “I really wanted to sing…” Zelda said with big eyes.
“Go right ahead!” John said. James looked hard at his brother. “What?”
“BAKA!” James snapped. John reared back in offense.
“Er-hm!” The boys looked back and readied their instruments. “Wait!” Zelda said. She held out the Ocarina of Time. “Someone needs to play this. John ran over to grab it, but Steve shoved him away. Steve grabbed the ocarina.
“I am the green one!” he said. The others meekly nodded. Steve walked back to the others and got ready to play. “One… two… Three!”
[video=youtube;qeCEg8aPLco]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeCEg8aPLco[/video]
“Imo…to Mira…I Merodi wa Uta no Toki...” Zelda sang. There was a pause. Then rumbling filled the temple. The gems began to glow and rotate, and the wall at the end of the temple flashed, and in a moment, it was gone. The rumbling stopped. The wall revealed a small chamber. The group approached and looked inside.
“That’s a lot of light,” Spot said. The boys walked forward and saw a sword with a purple hilt driven into the center of the room… oh who am I kidding? It was the master sword! Everyone knows that!
“Kay, ‘a sword in the stone,’ who didn’t see this coming?” John asked.
“If it’s a sword in the stone, then that means that only one person can pull it out!” Steve said. *Woosh!* too late. John ran over first. With a cackle, John grabbed the sword, and pulled, and pulled, and pulled. It didn’t budge. John sighed and backed away. Then James ran over. But the pulling became so difficult that he resorted to push it out by the hilt all to no avail. “None of you could do it?” Steve asked. “Does that mean… it’s me?” he asked. He walked forward and reached for the hilt. He could hear majestic music playing in his mind… He pulled at the Sword and it moved! He pulled harder and it didn’t move… and the music ripped off like record player. Steve let go and looked at the sword with a sigh. “Why?” he asked. The sword slid back into place. “AAH!!” Steve drew his sword and wildly slashed at the sword.
“Oh, my!” Impa gasped. “He scarred the sacred blade!” Steve looked closely and saw that there was a small gash; that closed up on its own!! Steve stared.
“Maybe it would work if we all do it,” James said.
“Oh, yeah sure!” John said as they all approached the sword and grabbed the handle. “Let’s all grab this together, what kind of idea is--!” *VYUUM!* Light filled the room, and that was the last thing John and James saw… for a few minutes. The two shook their heads as their vision returned. They looked around and saw that Steve and the Master Sword were gone. James reached out and waved in the space.
“John, we didn’t happen to be touching anybody, did we?” James asked. John shook his head. Suddenly a black-red portal opened up, sending energy everywhere. John and James held their ground against the surge of energy.
“…Where are the girls?” John asked.
“AAAH!” The two turned around and just saw the girls and Spot leave the temple.
“You know what?” James asked. “I’m starting to thing that Ganondorf got in the sacred realm!”
“*GASP* So was I!” John exclaimed.
“…-AAAAAAHH-!!!!” The two ran out of the Temple as fast as they could. They played the game. Odds were Steve was in the sacred realm, and wouldn’t be out for a couple of years. But until then, the two would have to hold their ground. If this is the way things worked out, then they’d have to let the events in the game get executed. Until then, they’d have to live without their little younger Brother, Steve. As the group ran outside they heard the last thing they’d expect from John.
“I WANNA WAKE U-UP!!”
Child Saga~Fin
Zelda's_Child
~Insert Epicness Here~
- Joined
- May 15, 2010
- Location
- Wherever I want to be
Nice!! It's fantastic! Let's all celebrate with schmancy alcohol for the ending of the Child saga!! 
I can't wait for the adult one, you guys are all great authors.
I can't wait for the adult one, you guys are all great authors.
Chpt 20: The awakening, the Reunion, and the Seven New years
…Link… Link… wake up Link… Link… OH for crying out loud, wake up!! …Come on! Grr... Steve awoke with a feeling of extreme heat. He quickly straightened himself and held out his hands to block the gush that was blown at him. “Okay, Okay, I’m up! I’m up!” Steve cried. But he had little time to examine his awakener, he felt much heavier and a little off-balance. Steve touched his face. “…A large jawbone?” Steve fiddled with his hair. “Long wavy locks?!” Steve felt his face. “Phase 2 facial hair? …Is that my voice?! I’m…”
“Older!" Steve looked up to see Navi fluttering next to him. “Navi!” Steve exclaimed. “…You haven’t aged!”
“Fairies don’t age,” Navi said. “We’re immortal!” Steve’s mouth dropped open. “But we don’t take it too seriously ‘cause we’ll die someday when we have to give our life to somebody who hacks us outta our hiding spots!” Steve nodded at this explanation. “The longer we live, the more we give, that’s how we work,” she said. “How much are you worth?” Steve asked. “A few hearts and some headache pills,” Navi admitted. “ERH-HM!” Steve turned and saw an old man in a red robe before him. “…An owl-man?!”
“I’m not an owl-man!!” the man replied. “My name is Rauru, I am a Hylian like you!” Steve blinked. “I thought in this world I’m a kokiri…” Rauru gave Steve a weird look. “I mean I thought I was a Kokiri!”
“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” he asked. “But you are in fact, a Hylian, who was left to be raised by the Kokiri.” Steve stared at the Owl-man’s explanation. “How?” Steve asked. “You want the Blind truth?!” Rauru asked. “You’re an Orphan!”
“No I’m not!” Steve said. “I have two older brothers, a little sister, and a mom and a dad!” The Rauru stared at Steve. “Boy, do you believe we can go to the moon?” he asked. “Oh, sure! I might wanna do it someday!”
“Boy, you’re already there!” Rauru said in annoyance. “Anyway, let’s cut to the chase; Ganondorf is in control.”
“Knew that.” Steve said. “Oh?” The Rauru said. “Do you know what happened to your brothers?” he asked. “Ah… no,” Steve admitted. “But I bet they’re leading some kind of cool resistance!”
“No, that ship has sailed and sunk!” Rauru said. “In fact, it was sunk before it was able leave the harbor. One more guess.”
“Dead…?” Steve asked. “No, but the resistance is!” Rauru said. “Your brothers are fine.”
“Oh! Good!” Steve said. “So what’re they planning?!”
“Nothing,” Rauru said. “Owch!” Steve said. “So what are they doing?!”
“Waiting for you to arrive!” Rauru. “They figured they’d wait until you were out of your frozen state. Heh, as a matter of fact, I had to thaw you out with ol’ Bessy here!” he said as he held up a flame-thrower. Steve’s eyes widened. Rauru threw the flame-thrower into a red pedestal on the other side of the room. Steve looked around at the pedestals.
“What’s with these?” he asked. “These are the pedestals where the awakened sages are to reside,” Rauru said. Steve stared. “So you’re a spice company…?” he asked. “Not that kinda sage!!” Rauru said. “As you can see,” Rauru said as he gestured to the yellow pedestal where he stood. “Oh! I know!” Steve said eagerly. “You’re the sage of… Honey!” Rauru glared at Steve. “I am the Sage of Light!” he said angrily. “As a matter of fact…” he said as he looked a sun-dial on his wrist. “ ‘Have been for a while. But the others aren’t, and we need you to go out and find them!” Steve looked back at Rauru. “Huh?” Rauru slapped his forehead.
“You’re supposed to get out there and awaken the other Sages!!” he yelled. “Take this!!” he opened his clenched palm to reveal a yellow coin in between his two fingers. He tossed it towards Steve. “Huh?!” Steve barely had time to think before the coin hit him right in the eye!
“YOOOOOW!!! Why’d ya do that?!” Steve cried as he held his eye. “You’re meeeeeean!! Augh-oh!!” Rauru covered his brow. “This can’t be happening…” he thought aloud. “Augh… Augh…” Steve slowly regained his composure and saw the yellow coin on the ground. “Hey! Neato!” Steve knelt down and picked it up, and as he held it in his fingers Rauru continued.
“The other five sages will give you their medals when they awake,” Rauru said. “Can I use these like core Medals?!” Steve asked. “NOO--” Rauru paused. “I’m not really sure… it might’ve been a beta idea… anyway! I am sure you know that you have aged considerably because you were too young to wield the master sword, right?” he asked. Steve nodded. “To be precise,” Rauru said, “You have aged to the ripe age of sixteen!”
“Actually, it’s twelve, today’s my birthday!” Steve said. Rauru glared. “Anyway! When you regroup with your brothers, be sure to give them these!” Rauru motioned for Steve to come closer. “This,” he said as he held out a red gem, “is Din’s Fire. Be sure to use it wisely; this thing can burn rock like paper!”
He threw it into Steven’s hands. “Yowch!” Steve began to toss it around. “It’s hot!! Ooh!!” Steve managed to put the hot gem into his pocket before Rauru gave him another Gem. “This is Nayru’s love; a shield as strong and large as the Goddess’ heart.” He held out the gem, and Steve took it. He held the gem up to his face to examine it. “Careful, It’s a bit touchy,” Rauru said just as the Gem lunged forward and kissed Steve!! Steve shakily shoved the gem into his pocket. “One more, this one is Farore’s… Huhuhuhu…” Rauru chuckled before he could finish. Steve stared at the old man. “This is Farore’s (ge-he) wind! This will whisk you away when you are in need. You can keep this one.” He held it out to drop it into Steve’s hand, but it softly fluttered down like a feather. “Do these things have to be so literal?!” Steve asked as he snatched it and put it away. But then another thought occurred to him. “Can I use these like core medals?!” he asked. Rauru groaned.
“I can’t take any more of this!! Get outta here!!” a lever rose from the pedestal. “Whassat?!” Steve asked nervously. Rauru grinned maniacally and pulled it, sending Steve hurtling down a trap-door! “WAAAAH-HA!!!” Rauru pushed the lever back down after Steve was gone. “I’m actually beginning to think that we might’ve made the wrong choice…” he said to himself.
The Temple of Time
Steve opened his eyes to see himself still clinging unto the Master Sword. He gently pulled it out and swung it a bit before putting it into its sheath. “So now you decide to listen to me?!” Steve asked it. Navi fluttered down. “That guy was cranky! With a capital K!” she said. “Let’s get out of here! It’s dusty!” Steve nodded and walked down the steps. “Nice big columns…” Steve observed. “Big, dusty red carpet…” he continued. “And creepy ninja-guy—Ignore!” Steve walked out the door. “Look out world! He called. “Here comes the Birthday-Boy!!”
The ninja stared after Steve as he left the temple. “…Phooie.”
Castle Town
Steve walked through the courtyard of the Temple. The sky was red and crackling purple-lightning like when he left, so things shouldn’t be so bad. Steve walked by a bunch of rocks, and heard something. “Hehehehehehehe…” Steve looked up at Navi, who shrugged. Steve looked around some more. “Geh-hehehehe!!” Steve spotted a large, round stone in the garden, and it was jiggling like jelly! Steve carefully approached it, and it began to jiggle some more as he heard the laughing continue! Steve squinted, and saw with some annoyance that this was a gossip stone. The stone puttered down, but then its big sheikah eye stared at Steve again and began to laugh some more. “Gehahahahahahaha!!” it laughed until it fell on its side. “Geha… aha…” it began to wheeze and sputter, but then it looked back up at Steve. “…GEHAHA!! Stop!! Ge-hahahaha-haaa!”
“What’s so funny?!” Steve asked. “GE-HAHAHAHAHA!!” Steve closed his eyes against the gust of laughter. Steve gave the stone a kick and left. But as he was just about to leave, a jet of flames missed him, as the stone shot like a rocket towards town. “Okaaay, that happened…” Steve said.
Steve entered castle town. “Here’s the Birthday-boy!” he shouted. No answered. “Man this party left in a whu-u-u-mp!” he said as he looked around the ruined town. With some fright, Steve noticed that the happy-mask shop was run to the ground, but its eyes continued to stare, and they were bloodshot. Steve noticed a bulleting board and ran over to it. All the paper was yellowed and torn, except for one poster. Steve picked it up and stared in disbelief. The poster was a portrait of him!
‘Wanted; Boy in green, reward: 100,000R’
“This is terrible!” Steve exclaimed. “They got my nose all wrong!”
Steve noticed someone and ran over to him and patted him on the back. “Excuse me,” Steve asked. “Do you know where I could find some... um… ah…!” the man turned around and turned out to be a ReDead! Steve struggled to retain his composure. “Do you know where I could find a guy named John or James?” he asked. The ReDead pointed a spindly arm towards an alley. “Okay…” Steve said as he carefully backed away from the ReDead and followed its directions. Steve paused at the entrance of the alley.
“Are you sure I’m gonna find my brothers in here?” he asked. The ReDead shook its head. “Okaaaay…” Steve continued down the alley. With fright, Steve noticed an abandoned suit of Knight’s armor on the ground. “Nyeh….!!” Steve whined. The armor GOT UP and glared at Steve. “Would you be quiet?!” the armored Stalfos groaned. “I’m tryin’ to sleep here!!” It moaned as it fell back asleep.
Steve came across a door in a building and read the sign above it.
The Crack-Pot Inn: D&D
Steve stared at the sign. “Isn’t is supposed to be B&B?” he asked aloud.
***
Steve cautiously stepped into the Inn, and regretted it for the rest of his life. Two Koopas were fighting on the tables, some Moblins were gambling, two Puts were playing air-hockey, some Mavericks were being… mavericks, and Thief was playing on the Piano, and one black hooded figure who Steve wasn’t familiar with sat in the corner with his legs propped unto a table. “This is like Video-Game-Bad-guy central!!” Steve whined.
Steve walked by to see a Space Pirate and a Covenant Elite in the corner, when suddenly; “Where’s my money, man?!” The Pirate asked as it threw the elite against the wall. “Gimme my money!” The pirate brutally attacked the Elite. Steve’s cheeks puffed from the suppressed scream.
Steve shakily made his way to the Bar counter. Steve looked to his side and saw Master Nightmare sitting next to him, beating his fist against the table. “W-What’s the matter?” Steve asked. “He just won’t die!!” The Figure quietly moped. “Who?” Steve asked. The figure held out a small ball of pink putty with Kirby’s face on it. Steve stared. “If I could just get my hands on the little puff-ball, I’d…” The man began to fiddle with the putty. “I’d…! Gya-hahaha!!” He began to twist and warp the ball until it didn’t even look like Kirby anymore! Steve carefully scooted away into another seat.
“Welcome to the Crack-pot Inn!” Steve looked at the counter and yelped at the sight of a headless suit of armor behind it. “The Crack-pot Inn, D&D, what can I get for you?” it asked. Steve tried not to stare. “D&D?” He asked. “Death and Diner!” the specter said. “AAH!!” Steve yelped. “That scream…” the specter said. “It was so real!! For that, you can have a free drink!”
The specter handed Steve a cup with a small umbrella sticking out of it. Steve looked closely at the umbrella;
Umbrella Corp. Steve nervously laughed as he picked up the cup, but he poured it into a spittoon, which began to struggle and gag the moment the liquid touched it! But the spittoon wasn’t a spittoon, it was a Koopa shell! A koopa popped out just as it disintegrated into a Dry Bones. “Aww great!” It said as it hobbled away. “I knew that Diet would kill me!”
Steve watched silently as it walked away. “That’s okay!” The specter said. “Everything’s a little different the way we drink here!” it said as it poured a cup of wine into its gaping neck-hole. Steve’s mouth gaped open. “I can see you’re not one to talk, so I’ll let dead-y here take care of you!” The specter walked away and in his place stood a ReDead. Steve felt a little more comfortable to his own surprise.
“Do you know where I could find two guys named John and James?” he asked. The ReDead pointed to its neck-tag, which clearly read;
|JOHN |
|JAMES|
Steve stared. “Um… two guys, James and John?” The ReDead messed with its tag before showing it again.
|JAMES|
|JOHN |
Steve palmed his face and then he heard murmuring. Steve looked behind him to see the whole group of villains were slowly rising out of their seats. “What’s the matter?” the hooded figure asked a moblin. “Peter Pan over there is looking for two more in red and blue!” An outbreak of laughter erupted from outside. “Dern gossip stones…” a Put grumbled. The hooded figure rose. Everyone began to surround Steve, who tried to quietly sip the only clean cup of water he found.
“Looking for trouble, bud?” a Lizalfos asked. “N-no,” Steve quickly replied. “How about something to eat?” A galleon asked. “Kinda… I guess.”
“How ‘bout a knuckle sandwich--” The robot asked. “No thanks, I’m full!” Steve said as he turned away, but then a Street Fighter grabbed him. “Is this you?” He asked as he threw a poster on the counter. Steve looked down, and the poster showed a boy with blonde hair, a green cap, and an incredibly long nose. “Oh that’s just mean…” Steve thought to himself.
“What are here for, then?!” the fighter asked as he raised his fist. Steve yelped. “PLEASE!!” Steve cried. “I’m only looking for two guys in red and blue tunics!!” The group looked towards the ReDead, who was pointing at himself and his new red & blue jester outfit. “SHUSH-up over there, Dave!!” a sniper Joe snapped. Steve was dropped as an Oni approached him, and then a Shadow robot, and then a Creeper, and then Gray-Wolf and finally an Andross soldier. It’s like every villain from video-game history is coming to beat me up!! Steve thought as he backed away into a wall. The last thing Steve ever expected; a Scarfy, in its angry face wiggled its way into view.
“If Beelzemon’s with you guys, I’m going to be really freaked out!!” Steve said as he turned around. WHAM A brass-knuckled, steel plated, gloved arm slammed into the wall in front of Steve. Steve’s gaze followed the arm up to a three-eyed gaze. “Hello…” the sinister voice of Beelzemon hissed. “I’m freaked out.” Steve said. “And I think I need to change my tunic.”
The tall, biker-like Digimon cornered Steve up against the bar table. His clawed hand grabbed Steve by the cheeks. “I happen to be the manager of this’ere hangout,” Beelzemon said. “At least, as far as these losers are concerned… Hehehe!!” His free hand hovered over to a large gun strapped to his leg. Steve gulped. The guns were in fact, shotguns, but his hands were so big that they were like pistols. “Navi, HELP!!” Steve cried. Navi quickly fluttered above Beelzemon as she turned yellow.
“Beelzemon, a demon-lord Digimon, he wields two shotguns known as the Berenjena (latin for eggplant), which are his main point of attack, but without, he can use his shadow powers he channels through his claws…”
“I don’t need a dern Explanation! I need HELP!!” Steve whined. “Oh, you’re on your own!” Navi squeaked as she fluttered into Steve’s hat. Beelzemon chuckled. “So boys!!” He called as he picked Steve up and held him to the crowd. “What should we do with this little whiner-baby?!”
“Give him to the Zombies!!” a soldier called. “Throw him into a black hole!” Rogue called. “Let’s eat him!!” The Scarfy screeched. Steve gasped. “Now-now then!” Beelzemon said. “Why don’t we let the baby decide?” There was a quick pause. “Me?!” Steve asked. “Yes you!” Beelzemon said. “How would you like to die?!” He asked. Steve was silent. “Um… actually, after all those other suggestions, being eaten alive by a Scarfy doesn’t sound that bad!” Steve said.
“Well, then!” Beelzemon said. “Since you’re so indecisive, why don’t we let you spend a little time in the flood-room?!” He said as he began to bring Steve over to a glass door. “Flood-Room?” Steve asked. “What’s a Flood-Room?!” Whump!! The spindly figure of a soldier threw himself against the door as tentacles crawled over him. “Release… me…!” he whispered before being brought down again. Steve was too shocked to say anything. CRAACK!! The soldier broke through the glass and landed in the middle of the crowd. “Get’em off!!” he yelled as he struggled with the flood-ling’s tentacles. “Is the flood-room a game?” Steve asked. “If that’s so, can I be the flood? The soldier’s just whining, crying, and I think the flood’s winning!”
“Graah!!” The soldier hurtled the Flood-ling away. The little creature crawled and attached itself to the soldier’s leg. Chomp! “Ah!!” the soldier struggled and struggled, until finally flinging the flood-ling back into its room. He shook himself off. “I’m takin’ five!” he said as he left the room.
Steve’s mouth gaped open. “I’m gonna have little monsters crawl over me?!” he asked. “I’ll pass!”
“But wait!” Beelzemon said. “The demonstration isn’t over yet!” Steve turned around and saw that the flood-ling was shriveling and growing!! When it was done, it stood in the form of a twisted man! Steve’s mouth couldn’t go any lower. “We just feed them a little, and then we let them use what they ate, if you get what I mean!” Beelzemon said. The flood monster reached out its twisted hand towards Steve, and then placed it on his shoulder. “Friend…” it moaned. Steve sucked in his scream. It hobbled away, leaving Steve bewildered.
“Still haven’t decided?” Beelzemon asked. Steve shook his head. “These are all very… nice suggestions, but I actually wanna live just a bit longer for now, so…” Steve slipped his shoulder out of Beelzemon’s grasp. “This was a very nice visit and all, but I gotta get going! ‘Gotta go find my two brothers!” Steve walked through the crowd and towards the door, until he heard a gun ****. “Brothers?!” Beelzemon asked. “Your brothers wouldn’t happen to be the ones in red and blue, would, they?!” Steve opened his mouth but no answer came. “You’re one of the Tri-Bros!!” Beelzemon said. “You’re Link!”
“Um… Actually I prefer Steven, or Steve’s fine as well!” Steve said as he backed away. BANG!! “Yipe!” Steve ducked just in time before the two bullets missed him. Beelzemon blew on the smoking nozzle of his gun. “The G-man’s offering a pretty handsome reward for your head!!” Beelzemon said. “And I intend to take it!”
“The reward or my head?” Steve asked. Bang!! Steve held out his shield and just managed to deflect the bullet. “Hehe! This thing is made of the strongest stuff around; Hylian chrome! Completely impenetrable!!”
“Is that like Chrome-digizoid?” Beelzemon asked. “Of course not! This is Zelda, not Digimon!” Steve said. “Oh, that’s good!” Beelzemon. “That means it didn’t work!!” Steve beheld his shield and noticed two very large dents in it. “*Gulp!*”
Beelzemon snapped his fingers as a Xenomorph approached him. Steve’s mouth dropped open. “That guy’s not a video-game original!” he cried. “Neither am I… exactly.” Beelzemon said.
“I want his head!” Beelzemon said to the Xenomorph. The hulking alien began to close in on Steve. “I’m ready… for luunch…!” the creature rumbled. “You know, you shouldn’t go around decapitating people like that, it’s pretty violent, and this is meant to be suitable for kids!” Steve endeavored as the Xenomorph erected its sharp tail. “Don’t hurt me!!” Steve yelped as he knelt down and covered his head with his shield. *Shing!!*
Steve looked up to see the hooded figure standing in front of him, holding his wickedly long sword in the way of the creature’s tail, which was inches away from Steve’s forehead. The Xenomorph started to snarl as it pulled its tail back.
“GRR! That reward was as good as ours!!” Beelzemon yelled as he held his head. “What makes you think you can help that kid and get away with it?! Just who do you think you are?!” Beelzemon asked. The figure chuckled.
“Tōrisugari no Masuta Kenshi da,” the figure pulled down his hood, revealing a blue hat! “Obeoteoke!”
“JOHN!” Steve cried as he got up. “Grab your sword,” John said. “Things are about to get messy!!” Steve quickly drew the Master-Sword. “Ooh,” John said as he looked back at the blade. “That thing will make this a whole lot easier!”
Beelzemon snapped his fingers as the other enemies crept forward. Digimon bared their fangs, knights readied their swords, robots readied their blasters, and fighters popped their knuckles. “Delete them!” Beelzemon called. The jitter died down as the monsters looked back at Beelzemon. “Huh?” “What?”
“Uh… Delete… ah… Get them!!” Beelzemon corrected.
“Aah!!” “YEAAAH!!” everyone shouted. A Digimon rushed forward, but with one swipe from John’s sword, and the Digimon disintegrated into data. “…This is going to be less violent than I thought!” John said. A cursed suit of Armor rushed at Steve, but a stab from the Master Sword, and the Magic left the suit, making it fall apart.
“Hit ‘em full force!” Beelzemon shouted. The street-fighters, nightmares, monsters, aliens, space pirates, and all of the sort rushed at the two brothers.
Hivolt the Raptroid rushed at Steve, swiping with his energized wings, but Steve quickly blocked every hit, dashed and ran behind him, striking his wings with his sword. “Giyaah!!” Hivolt shrieked. “O-O-O-OO-OW!! Watch it! I have joint-issues!” Steve struck the android with his sword, silencing him; literally, he knocked out the vocal output.
Two Sphere doomers rushed at John, swirling around him and making chomping noises at him. John held out his sword in the way, and they all rushed into it. John patted the two on the back, and then kicked the dazed birds(?) away as he knee-jabbed another monster away.
“So!” Steve grunted as he shoved back a Maverick gunner. “What exactly has been going on since I left?!”
“What?! Didn’t Sheik tell you everything?!” John asked as he shield-bashed a covenant Elite. “Um… you mean the Ninja-Guy?” Steve asked. “I ignored him, I thought he was scenery!”
“Aw, perfect!” John groaned. A Zebesian snuck up on the two. “Yo! Back off! We’re talkin’ over here!!” John snapped as he kicked it away.
The battle continued, until all the enemies were on the ground, either exhausted or defeated. Steve smiled and looked back at his older brother, and the two did a fist-bop.
*Clack! Jingle! Clack! Jingle!* The rattling sound of Metal against metal rang through the small room as Beelzemon stepped forward. He grabbed a gun from his leg, and another from his back. “Even if you carry evil’s bane of this world, nothing, and nobody, can withstand a gun.” Beelzemon said.
“Wanna bet?!” John asked as he readied his shield. Beelzemon growled as he rushed forward, firing his guns. John reflected his shots with his sword, swiping away every single bullet like a Jedi against a blaster. Beelzemon jumped backwards and readied his guns. John held out his sword. “Drop the eggplants, and no one will get hurt!” John said. “Double impact!!” Beelzemon shouted as he fired an extra-powerful shot. John held out his hands and grabbed the bullets right out of the air! Beelzemon’s three eyes popped. John chuckled… but then held his hand. “Auugh!! That hurts!!” he wailed.
“Dude!” Steve said as he swung his sword playfully. “Who shouts the name of his attack these days?!” Steve asked. Beelzemon paused. “Bu.. wha… It adds emotion!!” Beelzemon cried with dignity as he prepared to fire again. “Gaia!” John shouted. His hat began to ruffle around until Gaia popped out. “GAH! How often do you clean that thing?!” he demanded. “Quick! Target!” John shouted. Gaia began to glow yellow and rushed over Beelzemon’s head.
“…Hey… Hey!” Beelzemon began to paw at the fairy like a cat. “Hey, HEY! Cut it out!” Gaia snapped. “Ooh! I almost gotcha!” the Digimon said excitedly. Gaia rushed up to his face. “Stop it!” he growled. Beelzemon caught the fairy in his talons like a cage. “YIPES!”
John held his sword to his side and rushed forward. “KAITEN-GIRI!” He shouted as he executed the spin-attack, knocking Beelzemon to the ground and releasing Gaia. John paused. “…I guess saying the name is pretty cool!”
Beelzemon rose to his feet, snarling. John swiped his sword, slicing three tables clean in half. “Got a problem with that?” John asked. Beelzemon angrily shook his head.
“What is the meaning of this?!” Beelzemon backed away, and Dave ducked beneath the counter. Down from a staircase, came the one and only, Ganondorf. “I give you a little house so you can hang out with all your monster garbage, and I hear all of this racket!”
“Is that…?” Steve asked. “Yep,” John answered.
“Your Excellency!” Beelzemon cried as he got up. “I caught the boy in green! You can have his head!” Ganondorf looked over to Steve and laughed. “This is not a little boy in green, this, is a teen who hasn’t grown outta Peter Pan!” Beelzemon’s face turned a bluish pink as he snarled. He got so angry, the veins in his neck showed. “Are you serious?!” he roared. “We worked our mainframes off to get this guy that exhausted!! PLUS! That order was enlisted over three years ago! He’s bound to have aged by now, ‘G-man!’” Beelzemon said as he poked Ganondorf. “Are you touching me?” he asked. “Yes! Yes! I! Am!!” Beelzemon said with a poke for every word. “Well, stop it!” Ganondorf said. “Make me!” Beelzemon growled. Ganondorf reached out and grabbed the Digimon by the throat. “Okay pal… you win.” Beelzemon squealed. Ganondorf smiled and dropped him.
“…But what about the blue guy?!” Beelzemon asked. “He’s probably just a follower of the Blue-Clown!” Ganondorf said as he walked over to John. “And who are you?!” he asked in a syrupy voice. “Your worst nightmare… Bacon!!” John said. Ganondorf stared. “…Geeeeaah!” Ganondorf jumped back. “It’s him!!” he squealed. “BUT, I don’t wanna dirty my hands, right now, I have a schedule to keep; I have to go pillage a town that’s not in the game, and take a bubble-bath!” The two brothers stared. “I even have a little bubble-making machine!” The two still stared. “…Alright, let’s get rid of them… SQUEAKER!!” Ganondorf called.
“Squeaker?!” Steve asked. “Prepare to be wowed.” John said as he held his breath. *Thump! Thump!* Into the room came a muscle-bound, hulky and beefed up man with a black shirt, and sun-glasses. “Me-meme-me…” he rumbled. “Squeaker?!” Steve asked. “Don’t worry,” John said. “Just stand still, take a deep breath, sing the Hokey-pokey, and he’ll--”
*WHAM!* The two found themselves being held by the necks in Squeakers enormous sausages. “This is a first…” John wheezed through the grip.
***
“AAH!”
“AAAAAH!”
The two were thrown out of the building, face-first. Steve lazily pulled himself over unto his back, and John did the same. “Meme-ME! Hmm!” Beaker flexed his biceps before walking back in.
“I just realized something!” Steve said. “What?” John asked. “You forgot my birthday!” Steve shouted. “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t plan ahead better than a tyrannical King!!” John growled. “Well you should’ve!” Steve said. “Want a present?” John asked. “How about a knuckle sandwich?!”
“Sure!” Steve said as he glared at John, but quickly turned away. “The eyes…!” he exclaimed to himself.
The two helped each other up and started walking away towards the gate. “So… what is going on?” Steve asked. “Well, since you Spurned Sheik, I guess I have to tell you! Basically, we’re hanging out, causing trouble, all that jazz.”
“How’s Spot doing?” Steve asked. “Well…” John said. “By day, he’s a lazy sleep-all-day dog, by night… let’s just say there are only ReDeads out here for a reason. Spot scared all the others off.” Steve stood confused. “He got old!” John defended.
“What’s James up to?” Steve asked. “Well he’s— Really?” John asked. “What?”
“He’s working at the Ranch!” John said. “He works for payment, and his payment is food and shelter.” John said. “And Malon, of course!”
“Huh?” Steve asked. “He’s been trying to make his move since he was thirteen!” John said. “And she doesn’t know now?” Steve asked. “Oh, she does, but she’s playing with him, the little varmint!”
“Can’t James just get a place up at the Gorons?” Steve asked. “Not since Geek came to power!” John said. “Thanks to the G-man!”
“Oh…” Steve said. “What about Sheik, where is… he?” Steve asked. “He’ll be at the ranch when we get back,” John said. “And, while he’s at the wheel, he’s the only one keeping me from proposing!” Steve’s mouth dropped open.
“Isn’t it sad?!” John asked. “I’m almost Sixteen now, but I can’t even get close to her thanks to Naginata-boy!”
“Wha..?” Steve asked. “It’s complicated,” John said. “We’ll talk about it at the ranch.”
“Ooh! Is that going to be like our hub?!” Steve asked. “Well, if you consider cleaning out a whole stable for every night you stay there a hub, then yes, it is!”
“…Where are you staying?” Steve asked. “Oh, with Dampe!” John said. “God rest his soul,” John said as he took his hat off. “He liked to dig, but one night he didn’t come back!” Steve decided not to ask. “Let’s hurry up with the walking!” John said as they reached the destroyed draw bridge. “We gotta get to the ranch before dawn!”
“Why?” Steve asked. “Back then, it was stal-kids at night, now, it’s big poes at day!” Steve gulped. “Wait!!” Steve cried. “Do you hear that?!”
*Wooooooosh!*
“Duck & cover!” John shouted as the two hit the dirt. *Boom!!* The two got up, and there in the dirt, stood a gossip stone, panting. Steve stared at the gossip stone, and it looked back. “…GEYA-Hahaha!!” it started laughing again! “What’s so darn funny?!” Steve asked. “PETER-PAN!!” The Gossip stone gasped. “Woo-hohoho!!”
The two just walked past the stone and out into the field, the newer and more dangerous, Hyrule field.
Gallery
View attachment 24046
…Link… Link… wake up Link… Link… OH for crying out loud, wake up!! …Come on! Grr... Steve awoke with a feeling of extreme heat. He quickly straightened himself and held out his hands to block the gush that was blown at him. “Okay, Okay, I’m up! I’m up!” Steve cried. But he had little time to examine his awakener, he felt much heavier and a little off-balance. Steve touched his face. “…A large jawbone?” Steve fiddled with his hair. “Long wavy locks?!” Steve felt his face. “Phase 2 facial hair? …Is that my voice?! I’m…”
“Older!" Steve looked up to see Navi fluttering next to him. “Navi!” Steve exclaimed. “…You haven’t aged!”
“Fairies don’t age,” Navi said. “We’re immortal!” Steve’s mouth dropped open. “But we don’t take it too seriously ‘cause we’ll die someday when we have to give our life to somebody who hacks us outta our hiding spots!” Steve nodded at this explanation. “The longer we live, the more we give, that’s how we work,” she said. “How much are you worth?” Steve asked. “A few hearts and some headache pills,” Navi admitted. “ERH-HM!” Steve turned and saw an old man in a red robe before him. “…An owl-man?!”
“I’m not an owl-man!!” the man replied. “My name is Rauru, I am a Hylian like you!” Steve blinked. “I thought in this world I’m a kokiri…” Rauru gave Steve a weird look. “I mean I thought I was a Kokiri!”
“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” he asked. “But you are in fact, a Hylian, who was left to be raised by the Kokiri.” Steve stared at the Owl-man’s explanation. “How?” Steve asked. “You want the Blind truth?!” Rauru asked. “You’re an Orphan!”
“No I’m not!” Steve said. “I have two older brothers, a little sister, and a mom and a dad!” The Rauru stared at Steve. “Boy, do you believe we can go to the moon?” he asked. “Oh, sure! I might wanna do it someday!”
“Boy, you’re already there!” Rauru said in annoyance. “Anyway, let’s cut to the chase; Ganondorf is in control.”
“Knew that.” Steve said. “Oh?” The Rauru said. “Do you know what happened to your brothers?” he asked. “Ah… no,” Steve admitted. “But I bet they’re leading some kind of cool resistance!”
“No, that ship has sailed and sunk!” Rauru said. “In fact, it was sunk before it was able leave the harbor. One more guess.”
“Dead…?” Steve asked. “No, but the resistance is!” Rauru said. “Your brothers are fine.”
“Oh! Good!” Steve said. “So what’re they planning?!”
“Nothing,” Rauru said. “Owch!” Steve said. “So what are they doing?!”
“Waiting for you to arrive!” Rauru. “They figured they’d wait until you were out of your frozen state. Heh, as a matter of fact, I had to thaw you out with ol’ Bessy here!” he said as he held up a flame-thrower. Steve’s eyes widened. Rauru threw the flame-thrower into a red pedestal on the other side of the room. Steve looked around at the pedestals.
“What’s with these?” he asked. “These are the pedestals where the awakened sages are to reside,” Rauru said. Steve stared. “So you’re a spice company…?” he asked. “Not that kinda sage!!” Rauru said. “As you can see,” Rauru said as he gestured to the yellow pedestal where he stood. “Oh! I know!” Steve said eagerly. “You’re the sage of… Honey!” Rauru glared at Steve. “I am the Sage of Light!” he said angrily. “As a matter of fact…” he said as he looked a sun-dial on his wrist. “ ‘Have been for a while. But the others aren’t, and we need you to go out and find them!” Steve looked back at Rauru. “Huh?” Rauru slapped his forehead.
“You’re supposed to get out there and awaken the other Sages!!” he yelled. “Take this!!” he opened his clenched palm to reveal a yellow coin in between his two fingers. He tossed it towards Steve. “Huh?!” Steve barely had time to think before the coin hit him right in the eye!
“YOOOOOW!!! Why’d ya do that?!” Steve cried as he held his eye. “You’re meeeeeean!! Augh-oh!!” Rauru covered his brow. “This can’t be happening…” he thought aloud. “Augh… Augh…” Steve slowly regained his composure and saw the yellow coin on the ground. “Hey! Neato!” Steve knelt down and picked it up, and as he held it in his fingers Rauru continued.
“The other five sages will give you their medals when they awake,” Rauru said. “Can I use these like core Medals?!” Steve asked. “NOO--” Rauru paused. “I’m not really sure… it might’ve been a beta idea… anyway! I am sure you know that you have aged considerably because you were too young to wield the master sword, right?” he asked. Steve nodded. “To be precise,” Rauru said, “You have aged to the ripe age of sixteen!”
“Actually, it’s twelve, today’s my birthday!” Steve said. Rauru glared. “Anyway! When you regroup with your brothers, be sure to give them these!” Rauru motioned for Steve to come closer. “This,” he said as he held out a red gem, “is Din’s Fire. Be sure to use it wisely; this thing can burn rock like paper!”
He threw it into Steven’s hands. “Yowch!” Steve began to toss it around. “It’s hot!! Ooh!!” Steve managed to put the hot gem into his pocket before Rauru gave him another Gem. “This is Nayru’s love; a shield as strong and large as the Goddess’ heart.” He held out the gem, and Steve took it. He held the gem up to his face to examine it. “Careful, It’s a bit touchy,” Rauru said just as the Gem lunged forward and kissed Steve!! Steve shakily shoved the gem into his pocket. “One more, this one is Farore’s… Huhuhuhu…” Rauru chuckled before he could finish. Steve stared at the old man. “This is Farore’s (ge-he) wind! This will whisk you away when you are in need. You can keep this one.” He held it out to drop it into Steve’s hand, but it softly fluttered down like a feather. “Do these things have to be so literal?!” Steve asked as he snatched it and put it away. But then another thought occurred to him. “Can I use these like core medals?!” he asked. Rauru groaned.
“I can’t take any more of this!! Get outta here!!” a lever rose from the pedestal. “Whassat?!” Steve asked nervously. Rauru grinned maniacally and pulled it, sending Steve hurtling down a trap-door! “WAAAAH-HA!!!” Rauru pushed the lever back down after Steve was gone. “I’m actually beginning to think that we might’ve made the wrong choice…” he said to himself.
The Temple of Time
Steve opened his eyes to see himself still clinging unto the Master Sword. He gently pulled it out and swung it a bit before putting it into its sheath. “So now you decide to listen to me?!” Steve asked it. Navi fluttered down. “That guy was cranky! With a capital K!” she said. “Let’s get out of here! It’s dusty!” Steve nodded and walked down the steps. “Nice big columns…” Steve observed. “Big, dusty red carpet…” he continued. “And creepy ninja-guy—Ignore!” Steve walked out the door. “Look out world! He called. “Here comes the Birthday-Boy!!”
The ninja stared after Steve as he left the temple. “…Phooie.”
Castle Town
Steve walked through the courtyard of the Temple. The sky was red and crackling purple-lightning like when he left, so things shouldn’t be so bad. Steve walked by a bunch of rocks, and heard something. “Hehehehehehehe…” Steve looked up at Navi, who shrugged. Steve looked around some more. “Geh-hehehehe!!” Steve spotted a large, round stone in the garden, and it was jiggling like jelly! Steve carefully approached it, and it began to jiggle some more as he heard the laughing continue! Steve squinted, and saw with some annoyance that this was a gossip stone. The stone puttered down, but then its big sheikah eye stared at Steve again and began to laugh some more. “Gehahahahahahaha!!” it laughed until it fell on its side. “Geha… aha…” it began to wheeze and sputter, but then it looked back up at Steve. “…GEHAHA!! Stop!! Ge-hahahaha-haaa!”
“What’s so funny?!” Steve asked. “GE-HAHAHAHAHA!!” Steve closed his eyes against the gust of laughter. Steve gave the stone a kick and left. But as he was just about to leave, a jet of flames missed him, as the stone shot like a rocket towards town. “Okaaay, that happened…” Steve said.
Steve entered castle town. “Here’s the Birthday-boy!” he shouted. No answered. “Man this party left in a whu-u-u-mp!” he said as he looked around the ruined town. With some fright, Steve noticed that the happy-mask shop was run to the ground, but its eyes continued to stare, and they were bloodshot. Steve noticed a bulleting board and ran over to it. All the paper was yellowed and torn, except for one poster. Steve picked it up and stared in disbelief. The poster was a portrait of him!
‘Wanted; Boy in green, reward: 100,000R’
“This is terrible!” Steve exclaimed. “They got my nose all wrong!”
Steve noticed someone and ran over to him and patted him on the back. “Excuse me,” Steve asked. “Do you know where I could find some... um… ah…!” the man turned around and turned out to be a ReDead! Steve struggled to retain his composure. “Do you know where I could find a guy named John or James?” he asked. The ReDead pointed a spindly arm towards an alley. “Okay…” Steve said as he carefully backed away from the ReDead and followed its directions. Steve paused at the entrance of the alley.
“Are you sure I’m gonna find my brothers in here?” he asked. The ReDead shook its head. “Okaaaay…” Steve continued down the alley. With fright, Steve noticed an abandoned suit of Knight’s armor on the ground. “Nyeh….!!” Steve whined. The armor GOT UP and glared at Steve. “Would you be quiet?!” the armored Stalfos groaned. “I’m tryin’ to sleep here!!” It moaned as it fell back asleep.
Steve came across a door in a building and read the sign above it.
The Crack-Pot Inn: D&D
Steve stared at the sign. “Isn’t is supposed to be B&B?” he asked aloud.
***
Steve cautiously stepped into the Inn, and regretted it for the rest of his life. Two Koopas were fighting on the tables, some Moblins were gambling, two Puts were playing air-hockey, some Mavericks were being… mavericks, and Thief was playing on the Piano, and one black hooded figure who Steve wasn’t familiar with sat in the corner with his legs propped unto a table. “This is like Video-Game-Bad-guy central!!” Steve whined.
Steve walked by to see a Space Pirate and a Covenant Elite in the corner, when suddenly; “Where’s my money, man?!” The Pirate asked as it threw the elite against the wall. “Gimme my money!” The pirate brutally attacked the Elite. Steve’s cheeks puffed from the suppressed scream.
Steve shakily made his way to the Bar counter. Steve looked to his side and saw Master Nightmare sitting next to him, beating his fist against the table. “W-What’s the matter?” Steve asked. “He just won’t die!!” The Figure quietly moped. “Who?” Steve asked. The figure held out a small ball of pink putty with Kirby’s face on it. Steve stared. “If I could just get my hands on the little puff-ball, I’d…” The man began to fiddle with the putty. “I’d…! Gya-hahaha!!” He began to twist and warp the ball until it didn’t even look like Kirby anymore! Steve carefully scooted away into another seat.
“Welcome to the Crack-pot Inn!” Steve looked at the counter and yelped at the sight of a headless suit of armor behind it. “The Crack-pot Inn, D&D, what can I get for you?” it asked. Steve tried not to stare. “D&D?” He asked. “Death and Diner!” the specter said. “AAH!!” Steve yelped. “That scream…” the specter said. “It was so real!! For that, you can have a free drink!”
The specter handed Steve a cup with a small umbrella sticking out of it. Steve looked closely at the umbrella;
Umbrella Corp. Steve nervously laughed as he picked up the cup, but he poured it into a spittoon, which began to struggle and gag the moment the liquid touched it! But the spittoon wasn’t a spittoon, it was a Koopa shell! A koopa popped out just as it disintegrated into a Dry Bones. “Aww great!” It said as it hobbled away. “I knew that Diet would kill me!”
Steve watched silently as it walked away. “That’s okay!” The specter said. “Everything’s a little different the way we drink here!” it said as it poured a cup of wine into its gaping neck-hole. Steve’s mouth gaped open. “I can see you’re not one to talk, so I’ll let dead-y here take care of you!” The specter walked away and in his place stood a ReDead. Steve felt a little more comfortable to his own surprise.
“Do you know where I could find two guys named John and James?” he asked. The ReDead pointed to its neck-tag, which clearly read;
|JOHN |
|JAMES|
Steve stared. “Um… two guys, James and John?” The ReDead messed with its tag before showing it again.
|JAMES|
|JOHN |
Steve palmed his face and then he heard murmuring. Steve looked behind him to see the whole group of villains were slowly rising out of their seats. “What’s the matter?” the hooded figure asked a moblin. “Peter Pan over there is looking for two more in red and blue!” An outbreak of laughter erupted from outside. “Dern gossip stones…” a Put grumbled. The hooded figure rose. Everyone began to surround Steve, who tried to quietly sip the only clean cup of water he found.
“Looking for trouble, bud?” a Lizalfos asked. “N-no,” Steve quickly replied. “How about something to eat?” A galleon asked. “Kinda… I guess.”
“How ‘bout a knuckle sandwich--” The robot asked. “No thanks, I’m full!” Steve said as he turned away, but then a Street Fighter grabbed him. “Is this you?” He asked as he threw a poster on the counter. Steve looked down, and the poster showed a boy with blonde hair, a green cap, and an incredibly long nose. “Oh that’s just mean…” Steve thought to himself.
“What are here for, then?!” the fighter asked as he raised his fist. Steve yelped. “PLEASE!!” Steve cried. “I’m only looking for two guys in red and blue tunics!!” The group looked towards the ReDead, who was pointing at himself and his new red & blue jester outfit. “SHUSH-up over there, Dave!!” a sniper Joe snapped. Steve was dropped as an Oni approached him, and then a Shadow robot, and then a Creeper, and then Gray-Wolf and finally an Andross soldier. It’s like every villain from video-game history is coming to beat me up!! Steve thought as he backed away into a wall. The last thing Steve ever expected; a Scarfy, in its angry face wiggled its way into view.
“If Beelzemon’s with you guys, I’m going to be really freaked out!!” Steve said as he turned around. WHAM A brass-knuckled, steel plated, gloved arm slammed into the wall in front of Steve. Steve’s gaze followed the arm up to a three-eyed gaze. “Hello…” the sinister voice of Beelzemon hissed. “I’m freaked out.” Steve said. “And I think I need to change my tunic.”
The tall, biker-like Digimon cornered Steve up against the bar table. His clawed hand grabbed Steve by the cheeks. “I happen to be the manager of this’ere hangout,” Beelzemon said. “At least, as far as these losers are concerned… Hehehe!!” His free hand hovered over to a large gun strapped to his leg. Steve gulped. The guns were in fact, shotguns, but his hands were so big that they were like pistols. “Navi, HELP!!” Steve cried. Navi quickly fluttered above Beelzemon as she turned yellow.
“Beelzemon, a demon-lord Digimon, he wields two shotguns known as the Berenjena (latin for eggplant), which are his main point of attack, but without, he can use his shadow powers he channels through his claws…”
“I don’t need a dern Explanation! I need HELP!!” Steve whined. “Oh, you’re on your own!” Navi squeaked as she fluttered into Steve’s hat. Beelzemon chuckled. “So boys!!” He called as he picked Steve up and held him to the crowd. “What should we do with this little whiner-baby?!”
“Give him to the Zombies!!” a soldier called. “Throw him into a black hole!” Rogue called. “Let’s eat him!!” The Scarfy screeched. Steve gasped. “Now-now then!” Beelzemon said. “Why don’t we let the baby decide?” There was a quick pause. “Me?!” Steve asked. “Yes you!” Beelzemon said. “How would you like to die?!” He asked. Steve was silent. “Um… actually, after all those other suggestions, being eaten alive by a Scarfy doesn’t sound that bad!” Steve said.
“Well, then!” Beelzemon said. “Since you’re so indecisive, why don’t we let you spend a little time in the flood-room?!” He said as he began to bring Steve over to a glass door. “Flood-Room?” Steve asked. “What’s a Flood-Room?!” Whump!! The spindly figure of a soldier threw himself against the door as tentacles crawled over him. “Release… me…!” he whispered before being brought down again. Steve was too shocked to say anything. CRAACK!! The soldier broke through the glass and landed in the middle of the crowd. “Get’em off!!” he yelled as he struggled with the flood-ling’s tentacles. “Is the flood-room a game?” Steve asked. “If that’s so, can I be the flood? The soldier’s just whining, crying, and I think the flood’s winning!”
“Graah!!” The soldier hurtled the Flood-ling away. The little creature crawled and attached itself to the soldier’s leg. Chomp! “Ah!!” the soldier struggled and struggled, until finally flinging the flood-ling back into its room. He shook himself off. “I’m takin’ five!” he said as he left the room.
Steve’s mouth gaped open. “I’m gonna have little monsters crawl over me?!” he asked. “I’ll pass!”
“But wait!” Beelzemon said. “The demonstration isn’t over yet!” Steve turned around and saw that the flood-ling was shriveling and growing!! When it was done, it stood in the form of a twisted man! Steve’s mouth couldn’t go any lower. “We just feed them a little, and then we let them use what they ate, if you get what I mean!” Beelzemon said. The flood monster reached out its twisted hand towards Steve, and then placed it on his shoulder. “Friend…” it moaned. Steve sucked in his scream. It hobbled away, leaving Steve bewildered.
“Still haven’t decided?” Beelzemon asked. Steve shook his head. “These are all very… nice suggestions, but I actually wanna live just a bit longer for now, so…” Steve slipped his shoulder out of Beelzemon’s grasp. “This was a very nice visit and all, but I gotta get going! ‘Gotta go find my two brothers!” Steve walked through the crowd and towards the door, until he heard a gun ****. “Brothers?!” Beelzemon asked. “Your brothers wouldn’t happen to be the ones in red and blue, would, they?!” Steve opened his mouth but no answer came. “You’re one of the Tri-Bros!!” Beelzemon said. “You’re Link!”
“Um… Actually I prefer Steven, or Steve’s fine as well!” Steve said as he backed away. BANG!! “Yipe!” Steve ducked just in time before the two bullets missed him. Beelzemon blew on the smoking nozzle of his gun. “The G-man’s offering a pretty handsome reward for your head!!” Beelzemon said. “And I intend to take it!”
“The reward or my head?” Steve asked. Bang!! Steve held out his shield and just managed to deflect the bullet. “Hehe! This thing is made of the strongest stuff around; Hylian chrome! Completely impenetrable!!”
“Is that like Chrome-digizoid?” Beelzemon asked. “Of course not! This is Zelda, not Digimon!” Steve said. “Oh, that’s good!” Beelzemon. “That means it didn’t work!!” Steve beheld his shield and noticed two very large dents in it. “*Gulp!*”
Beelzemon snapped his fingers as a Xenomorph approached him. Steve’s mouth dropped open. “That guy’s not a video-game original!” he cried. “Neither am I… exactly.” Beelzemon said.
“I want his head!” Beelzemon said to the Xenomorph. The hulking alien began to close in on Steve. “I’m ready… for luunch…!” the creature rumbled. “You know, you shouldn’t go around decapitating people like that, it’s pretty violent, and this is meant to be suitable for kids!” Steve endeavored as the Xenomorph erected its sharp tail. “Don’t hurt me!!” Steve yelped as he knelt down and covered his head with his shield. *Shing!!*
Steve looked up to see the hooded figure standing in front of him, holding his wickedly long sword in the way of the creature’s tail, which was inches away from Steve’s forehead. The Xenomorph started to snarl as it pulled its tail back.
“GRR! That reward was as good as ours!!” Beelzemon yelled as he held his head. “What makes you think you can help that kid and get away with it?! Just who do you think you are?!” Beelzemon asked. The figure chuckled.
“Tōrisugari no Masuta Kenshi da,” the figure pulled down his hood, revealing a blue hat! “Obeoteoke!”
“JOHN!” Steve cried as he got up. “Grab your sword,” John said. “Things are about to get messy!!” Steve quickly drew the Master-Sword. “Ooh,” John said as he looked back at the blade. “That thing will make this a whole lot easier!”
Beelzemon snapped his fingers as the other enemies crept forward. Digimon bared their fangs, knights readied their swords, robots readied their blasters, and fighters popped their knuckles. “Delete them!” Beelzemon called. The jitter died down as the monsters looked back at Beelzemon. “Huh?” “What?”
“Uh… Delete… ah… Get them!!” Beelzemon corrected.
“Aah!!” “YEAAAH!!” everyone shouted. A Digimon rushed forward, but with one swipe from John’s sword, and the Digimon disintegrated into data. “…This is going to be less violent than I thought!” John said. A cursed suit of Armor rushed at Steve, but a stab from the Master Sword, and the Magic left the suit, making it fall apart.
“Hit ‘em full force!” Beelzemon shouted. The street-fighters, nightmares, monsters, aliens, space pirates, and all of the sort rushed at the two brothers.
Hivolt the Raptroid rushed at Steve, swiping with his energized wings, but Steve quickly blocked every hit, dashed and ran behind him, striking his wings with his sword. “Giyaah!!” Hivolt shrieked. “O-O-O-OO-OW!! Watch it! I have joint-issues!” Steve struck the android with his sword, silencing him; literally, he knocked out the vocal output.
Two Sphere doomers rushed at John, swirling around him and making chomping noises at him. John held out his sword in the way, and they all rushed into it. John patted the two on the back, and then kicked the dazed birds(?) away as he knee-jabbed another monster away.
“So!” Steve grunted as he shoved back a Maverick gunner. “What exactly has been going on since I left?!”
“What?! Didn’t Sheik tell you everything?!” John asked as he shield-bashed a covenant Elite. “Um… you mean the Ninja-Guy?” Steve asked. “I ignored him, I thought he was scenery!”
“Aw, perfect!” John groaned. A Zebesian snuck up on the two. “Yo! Back off! We’re talkin’ over here!!” John snapped as he kicked it away.
The battle continued, until all the enemies were on the ground, either exhausted or defeated. Steve smiled and looked back at his older brother, and the two did a fist-bop.
*Clack! Jingle! Clack! Jingle!* The rattling sound of Metal against metal rang through the small room as Beelzemon stepped forward. He grabbed a gun from his leg, and another from his back. “Even if you carry evil’s bane of this world, nothing, and nobody, can withstand a gun.” Beelzemon said.
“Wanna bet?!” John asked as he readied his shield. Beelzemon growled as he rushed forward, firing his guns. John reflected his shots with his sword, swiping away every single bullet like a Jedi against a blaster. Beelzemon jumped backwards and readied his guns. John held out his sword. “Drop the eggplants, and no one will get hurt!” John said. “Double impact!!” Beelzemon shouted as he fired an extra-powerful shot. John held out his hands and grabbed the bullets right out of the air! Beelzemon’s three eyes popped. John chuckled… but then held his hand. “Auugh!! That hurts!!” he wailed.
“Dude!” Steve said as he swung his sword playfully. “Who shouts the name of his attack these days?!” Steve asked. Beelzemon paused. “Bu.. wha… It adds emotion!!” Beelzemon cried with dignity as he prepared to fire again. “Gaia!” John shouted. His hat began to ruffle around until Gaia popped out. “GAH! How often do you clean that thing?!” he demanded. “Quick! Target!” John shouted. Gaia began to glow yellow and rushed over Beelzemon’s head.
“…Hey… Hey!” Beelzemon began to paw at the fairy like a cat. “Hey, HEY! Cut it out!” Gaia snapped. “Ooh! I almost gotcha!” the Digimon said excitedly. Gaia rushed up to his face. “Stop it!” he growled. Beelzemon caught the fairy in his talons like a cage. “YIPES!”
John held his sword to his side and rushed forward. “KAITEN-GIRI!” He shouted as he executed the spin-attack, knocking Beelzemon to the ground and releasing Gaia. John paused. “…I guess saying the name is pretty cool!”
Beelzemon rose to his feet, snarling. John swiped his sword, slicing three tables clean in half. “Got a problem with that?” John asked. Beelzemon angrily shook his head.
“What is the meaning of this?!” Beelzemon backed away, and Dave ducked beneath the counter. Down from a staircase, came the one and only, Ganondorf. “I give you a little house so you can hang out with all your monster garbage, and I hear all of this racket!”
“Is that…?” Steve asked. “Yep,” John answered.
“Your Excellency!” Beelzemon cried as he got up. “I caught the boy in green! You can have his head!” Ganondorf looked over to Steve and laughed. “This is not a little boy in green, this, is a teen who hasn’t grown outta Peter Pan!” Beelzemon’s face turned a bluish pink as he snarled. He got so angry, the veins in his neck showed. “Are you serious?!” he roared. “We worked our mainframes off to get this guy that exhausted!! PLUS! That order was enlisted over three years ago! He’s bound to have aged by now, ‘G-man!’” Beelzemon said as he poked Ganondorf. “Are you touching me?” he asked. “Yes! Yes! I! Am!!” Beelzemon said with a poke for every word. “Well, stop it!” Ganondorf said. “Make me!” Beelzemon growled. Ganondorf reached out and grabbed the Digimon by the throat. “Okay pal… you win.” Beelzemon squealed. Ganondorf smiled and dropped him.
“…But what about the blue guy?!” Beelzemon asked. “He’s probably just a follower of the Blue-Clown!” Ganondorf said as he walked over to John. “And who are you?!” he asked in a syrupy voice. “Your worst nightmare… Bacon!!” John said. Ganondorf stared. “…Geeeeaah!” Ganondorf jumped back. “It’s him!!” he squealed. “BUT, I don’t wanna dirty my hands, right now, I have a schedule to keep; I have to go pillage a town that’s not in the game, and take a bubble-bath!” The two brothers stared. “I even have a little bubble-making machine!” The two still stared. “…Alright, let’s get rid of them… SQUEAKER!!” Ganondorf called.
“Squeaker?!” Steve asked. “Prepare to be wowed.” John said as he held his breath. *Thump! Thump!* Into the room came a muscle-bound, hulky and beefed up man with a black shirt, and sun-glasses. “Me-meme-me…” he rumbled. “Squeaker?!” Steve asked. “Don’t worry,” John said. “Just stand still, take a deep breath, sing the Hokey-pokey, and he’ll--”
*WHAM!* The two found themselves being held by the necks in Squeakers enormous sausages. “This is a first…” John wheezed through the grip.
***
“AAH!”
“AAAAAH!”
The two were thrown out of the building, face-first. Steve lazily pulled himself over unto his back, and John did the same. “Meme-ME! Hmm!” Beaker flexed his biceps before walking back in.
“I just realized something!” Steve said. “What?” John asked. “You forgot my birthday!” Steve shouted. “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t plan ahead better than a tyrannical King!!” John growled. “Well you should’ve!” Steve said. “Want a present?” John asked. “How about a knuckle sandwich?!”
“Sure!” Steve said as he glared at John, but quickly turned away. “The eyes…!” he exclaimed to himself.
The two helped each other up and started walking away towards the gate. “So… what is going on?” Steve asked. “Well, since you Spurned Sheik, I guess I have to tell you! Basically, we’re hanging out, causing trouble, all that jazz.”
“How’s Spot doing?” Steve asked. “Well…” John said. “By day, he’s a lazy sleep-all-day dog, by night… let’s just say there are only ReDeads out here for a reason. Spot scared all the others off.” Steve stood confused. “He got old!” John defended.
“What’s James up to?” Steve asked. “Well he’s— Really?” John asked. “What?”
“He’s working at the Ranch!” John said. “He works for payment, and his payment is food and shelter.” John said. “And Malon, of course!”
“Huh?” Steve asked. “He’s been trying to make his move since he was thirteen!” John said. “And she doesn’t know now?” Steve asked. “Oh, she does, but she’s playing with him, the little varmint!”
“Can’t James just get a place up at the Gorons?” Steve asked. “Not since Geek came to power!” John said. “Thanks to the G-man!”
“Oh…” Steve said. “What about Sheik, where is… he?” Steve asked. “He’ll be at the ranch when we get back,” John said. “And, while he’s at the wheel, he’s the only one keeping me from proposing!” Steve’s mouth dropped open.
“Isn’t it sad?!” John asked. “I’m almost Sixteen now, but I can’t even get close to her thanks to Naginata-boy!”
“Wha..?” Steve asked. “It’s complicated,” John said. “We’ll talk about it at the ranch.”
“Ooh! Is that going to be like our hub?!” Steve asked. “Well, if you consider cleaning out a whole stable for every night you stay there a hub, then yes, it is!”
“…Where are you staying?” Steve asked. “Oh, with Dampe!” John said. “God rest his soul,” John said as he took his hat off. “He liked to dig, but one night he didn’t come back!” Steve decided not to ask. “Let’s hurry up with the walking!” John said as they reached the destroyed draw bridge. “We gotta get to the ranch before dawn!”
“Why?” Steve asked. “Back then, it was stal-kids at night, now, it’s big poes at day!” Steve gulped. “Wait!!” Steve cried. “Do you hear that?!”
*Wooooooosh!*
“Duck & cover!” John shouted as the two hit the dirt. *Boom!!* The two got up, and there in the dirt, stood a gossip stone, panting. Steve stared at the gossip stone, and it looked back. “…GEYA-Hahaha!!” it started laughing again! “What’s so darn funny?!” Steve asked. “PETER-PAN!!” The Gossip stone gasped. “Woo-hohoho!!”
The two just walked past the stone and out into the field, the newer and more dangerous, Hyrule field.
Gallery
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Zelda's_Child
~Insert Epicness Here~
- Joined
- May 15, 2010
- Location
- Wherever I want to be
Nice! I like it! Things seem to have matured from last time, but that's a given I suppose.
Now, I really must get back to my Health assignment.
Now, I really must get back to my Health assignment.
Chpt 19
Chpt 21: The Farm Boy, the payback, and the Homecoming
*Important Creator's note, the colors of Terry and Gaia have been switched for creative purposes.
Hyrule Field
John and Steve slowly traversed the dried fields of Hyrule. Occasionally a small chat would come up, but the trip remained mostly uneventful. Until John checked the time. A wry smile crossed his face. “Ooh, boy! It’s time!” John said with glee. “Time for what?” Steve asked. John pointed to a large patch of dirt in the grass ahead. “What happened over there?” Steve asked. “Correction!” John said as he reached down and picked up a large stone. “What happens over there!” John set down the stone just behind the patch of dirt. “Oh-hohoho… John! Don’t do this!” Gaia squeaked. “Remember what happened last time?!”
“Yeah!” John said as he did some last-minute calculations. “He broke the record!” John quickly backed away. Steve waited. Nothing happened. “John…?” he asked. But then sound broke out in the distance. Horse whinnying, wheels rattling, and angry shouting, and it was heading this way!
“Hit the dirt!” John said as he backed up. The wagon streaked by too fast for Steve to follow. “Slow down ya dern horse!” the voice called. “This ain’t a Rodeo! Cool it—Uh… OH NO!”
The wagon struck the rock and jerked to a stop. However, the rider was flung plenty times his length forward. Steve watched in awestruck horror as the rider made a quite painful landing. The wagon suffered a broken wheel. A minute or two passed before the figure pulled himself up and trudged back to the wagon. He wore a red tunic, black gauntlets, and black buckled boots. The figure walked up to the halted wagon, patted the horse, who was just as shocked as Steve was, walked to the back of the wagon, took out a flask of Grape Juice, and took a long, tired drink.
“One… two…” The figure muttered as he screwed the lid back on. “Three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine…” The figure struggled for a moment… muscles tensing… jaw tightening. “Ten…!” The figure threw the flask back inside. In one swift movement, the figure kicked off the broken wagon wheel and kicked the stone back at John, who caught it just as swiftly.
“Jo-ohn!” the figure shouted as he walked right up to John, his eyes blazing. “That’s the last straw!” he shouted. “I try to make a humble living in this dust-bowl, but every other day you crawl from your rock and rig my route!” John just smiled and listened, obviously infuriating the victim more. “Did it ever occur to you that my life might be at risk because of this! I could’ve broken something! I probably won’t be able to sell all the stuff because of how much was broken! I might get evicted or go hungry!”
John just smiled and crossed his arms. “You always forget, that this is a dream,” John said confidently. “Nothing bad could ever happen, so I can exert myself!” The figure glared even harder, but then his gaze softened a little, but his expression became cold. “Yes, you’re right,” the figure said. “I never stay hurt for long, I never get in danger, but this also means… THIS WON’T—“ the figure attempted to step on John’s foot, but the impact met with steel-toed boots. A small grunt of pain escaped the figure’s mouth. “James,” John said. “You’re too predictable!”
James scrunched his nose, and closed his grit mouth. James walked away and back to the wagon. “Well, since you’re here anyway, help me replace the wheel!” James said. He looked up at the sky and frowned. “Great, we gotta get back soon, it’s almost night.”
Steve looked back at John. “I thought you said night wasn’t a problem…” he mumbled. James threw back his head and laughed. “No problems?! Just wait for those ReDeads to show up, and we’ll see how safe night is!”
It only took a few minutes to put the spare wheel in, and John helped bang the nut back in place. James brushed himself off and threw the tools they used back into the wagon. “Well, since you were so helpful, I might consider giving you a ride back!” he mumbled. But then he looked back and saw Steve. “Who’s he?!” James asked. “Didja start a cult or something?!”
“James!” John said. “Don’t say that!”
“Then who is he?!”
“Oh, he’s only the uy-gey from the temple of ime-tey that we’ve been waiting for seven ears-yeh, hint! Int-hey!”
“John Please!” James said. “We haven’t spoken that since the pigs left.” James looked back at Steve, walked back to the horse, but immediately turned around ran up to Steve and took him up in his arms.
“Oh, bro!” James whined. “I’d remember that dopey look anywhere!” Steve let out a little moan, so James loosened up a little.
“The wild James used grapple-arms...” Steve said quietly. “...It’s not very effective! --- Steve used Shove-Off!” Steve started to struggle and push, to no avail. “Not very effective...” he said again.
James quickly let go and let Steve hit the ground, who looked a bit stiff. Steve managed a smile. James smiled back and turned back to the wagon. “You can ride in the back, Steve!” he said as he got into the main seat.
“Woah, wait!” John said. “There’s no more room in the wagon, where do I sit?!” James turned around and cracked an evil smile. “I have a special place for you… Nii-chan!” John’s smile dropped. “Special place… for nii-chan?” he asked. “I’m disturbed…” he said with a confused frown. “I don’t like being disturbed…!”
***
LonLon Ranch
The field was a dried up mess, the trees barely grew, but the Ranch still looked fine. Granted it looked like it’d seen better days. James finally pulled the wagon to a stop right in front of the ranch. James smiled and hopped off as he led Epona through the gate. Steve hopped out of the back of the wagon with a nice feeling of nostalgia, but he was still uncertain about something.
“You sure John’s alright?” Steve asked. James’ evil smile returned as he pointed. A rope was tied to the back of the wagon... and one end was completely missing. Steve let out a gulp. Finally, John came back to the two, ripped and scuffed up, holding the rest of the rope, which used to be tied to his leg. However, John was smiling(?).
“So, how’d it go?” James asked. John breathed in and out, stressing each breath. “P-Piece of cake!” John coughed. “Oh, it was nothing then?” Steve asked nervously. “No... I lost... a piece of cake!” John finished. Steve let out a concerned moan. “How fast did Epona go?” Steve asked. “Oh... this wasn’t Epona...” John moaned. “Well... this was,” John pointed out his scraped knee. “Then what happened?” Steve asked. “ ‘Ran into a Big Poe!”
James paused for a moment, but shrugged. “Still happy!” he said as he continued to lead Epona. The ranch, as aforementioned, was visually appealing compared to outside, but nonetheless looked better seven years ago. James approached the gate into the dwelling areas and held out his hand. “Hold it!” he said. “Watch, this!”
James daintily raised one foot, and carefully moved into the dwelling area, and placed it down.
“WHO’S THERE?!” A Voice almost immediately cried. “It’s Just me, mister Ingo!” James called. “Me who?”
“Link James forgot-last-name!” James called back. “Shoot... Go ahead, Lil' Red!” The voice mumbled. James nodded to the others and walked into the stalls with Epona. " 'Lil red?' " John asked. James set his jaw and didn't answer. Steve took one last look around before following James, while John went elsewhere, most likely to clean up.
After James put Epona back in her Stall, cleaned and fed her, he went to a bucket of water to rinse off his hands. “Well, I’m glad to see that you keep your habit of washing after you start sweating,” Steve said. James let out a snort. “What sweat? This is for milking the cows!” he said. Steve winced, and wondered why his mildly hygienic brother would want to risk cow-pox.
“I gotta get milk to pay off my rent!” James answered Steve’s unspoken question. “I was trying to sell all the curdled stuff to the monsters back at Castle Town, but thanks to somebody I had to leave them behind.” Steve nodded at the explanation.
John leaned over into the rain basin and hastily washed his hair out after the beating he took from the Poe. In the games, poes never bit, did they? John dunked his head into the water, shook around a bit, then drew it out, letting his hair drain.
“That’s supposed to stay clean, ya know!” John turned around after hearing the voice, and there stood Malon, carrying a bucket. It took John a moment to respond with all the water pouring down his face. He took the cloak he used for the city and used it like a towel on his face. His bright brown hair from before had returned to its almost black-brown color. John let out a sigh.
“I don’t see why I have to bother to notice when you don’t hafta bother to put down a sign!” John retorted. Malon just sighed and turned around. Maybe she could somebody to filter... no, pasteurize the water after what John did. “Is your brother home?” She asked, but her attention was diverted for a second to see John was drinking right out of the basin like with a straw. She shuddered and backed away.
In the real world, James never touched a cow unless he was up at the village and helping the village kids keep cows out of the fields, but here he stood milking a cow.
“So... what do you do here?” Steve asked. “What does it look like I’m doing?!” he snapped.
“No, I mean afterwards, like what do you do in your free-time?” It took James a moment to answer.
“Well, I hang out in my cabin, do some sketching... write some stuff... read some stuff... play the guitar...”
“You can play Guitar now?!” Steve asked eagerly.
“It’s been Seven Years!” James replied. “What do you think hasn’t changed?!”
“You’re still developing facial hair,” Steve answered. James felt his lip and chin, and shrugged. “Yeah, but that seems to be the problem!” he says. “I read somewhere that Girls today like Smooth faces!”
“Where’d ya read that?”
“Kakariko post, John’s been able to slip me an issue every now and then.”
“James, I never thought you of all people would believe what those Magazines say!” Steve said with a disappointed huff.
“Desperate Times call for desperate measures!” James said.
“Er... speaking of which, I don’t exactly know what to think after what John told me...” Steve began, “But, what’s going on between you and Malon?”
James looked up as an indescribable look went through his eyes. The cow let out a distressing grunt, implying James to take his hands back. “Whoops, sorry Bessie!” James said as he patted the cow and got up. “I better tell Malon to put you on Sick Bay...” James mumbled.
“Malon?” Steve asked again. James paused.
“Oh yeah! Right... Well, things are fine, I guess. We’re able to talk over work and all that... She reminds me that I’m still the voice of reason around here!” Steve rolled his eyes at the statement. “But... sometimes she’s a little, how do I put it... Lazy. She likes to leave the men with most of the work around here!” James said.
“JAMES!” A voice called from outside. “Your brother washed in the Rain Basin again! Come out and Pasteurize it!” James bowed his head and let out a moan. “Yessum!” he called unenthusiastically.
James struck a match and threw it into the pile of logs and twigs he placed under the steel basin and got out a long brewing stick to stir it.
“John, water’s hard to come by nowadays!” James said as he angrily stirred. “And with most of the wells dried up, water’s pretty hard to find!”
John walked over with an empty pitcher. “It wouldn’t be so hard if you wouldn’t be so picky!” he said as scooped out some water from the basin and walked away with it. “I don’t wanna die of Cholera, John!” James called after him. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only modern person in this place!” James spoke too soon. Steve walked over, eating out of a bottle of white mush with a spoon. James froze. “WHAT... is that?!” he asked. Steve had to stop and think.
“I don’t really know...” he said with a half-full mouth.
“You don’t know... and...?” James inquired.
“You know, come to think of it... this may be the milk I had in the bottle before I drew the sword!” Steve said. “C’mon! Try some it tastes like Ice Cream!” James held up his hand and shuddered.
Steve looked around.
“Say, where’s Terry?” he asked, but James rushed over and covered his mouth.
“N-no! S-Sh! Quiet he might hear...”
“Hear what?”
“Daaah!” James turned around to see the little red puffball of madness just a few feet away from him. The red Fairy tilted his body, shrugged, and fluttered away.
“You let that guy boss you around?” Steve asked. James gave Steve a dire look. “He’s been getting the drop on me, Steve! I gotta keep my eye on the cauldron, and if he sees me talking with you, he might drop something in! Don’t you realize that me sitting here at a cauldron like a witch makes me vulnerable to all sorts of humiliations?” he asked. Steve didn’t have time to answer, for Malon came over, and James immediately took a visage of silence.
“How goes it?” she asked.
“ ‘Goes fine,” James said, not looking. “Once this thing’s done boiling all we have to do is filter it to get the John-gunk out.”
Malon set down a bucket. “Is it clean enough to take some to the cows?” she asked. James nodded.
“ ‘Should be, It’s been brewing for like five minutes.”
“How long till we get the filter?” Malon asked. James shrugged.
“Maybe another five or so--- AAAAAAIIIIIEEE!” The scream James let out seemed to bring the whole ranch to a halt. Malon stared unimpressed at James. “Wow,” she said. “I didn’t know your voice could go that high.” She said as she took the bucket and left.
James wasn’t trying to listen. He turned around and there was Terry, grinning up at him. “You BIT me!!” James snapped at the puffball. Terry only laughed. “Well I couldn’t drop anything in!” he said as he fluttered away. James let out an angry growl as he continued stirring.
“What in blue-thunder was that?!” and angry voice called out. “Nothing sir!” James hastily called back. “You let Ingo boss you around too?” Steve asked.
“Ever since Talon left, he’s been worse than ever, and could do something to me, get my drift?!” James asked. Steve shook his head. James took a look around before saying these words to Steve.
“Rumor has it...” he said quietly, “If he stares at something long enough, it’ll explode!” Steve’s mouth dropped open.
“Ah-hahaha!” John laughed as he walked by. “That;s gonna happen!” he spat. Ker-booom!! The quake sent John to his feet. Ingo walked by the group, his eyes burning, with a column of smoke in the distance behind him. “Don’t hurt me, all-powerful wizard!” John cried as he cowered away.
After James had finished brewing the basin, he decided to take Steve to his crib, and much to James’ chagrin, John came along. “It’s not very luxurious,” James said. “But it’s comfy enough. it’s like Gramps’ old trailer!”
The old Shed stood on the far end of the farm, and wasn’t very big. Steve tilted his head. “Isn’t that where the stable that blew up used to be?” he asked. James shrugged. “Don’t care, to be honest!” he said. James unlocked the door and stepped inside. Steve took a look around, and saw James wasn’t kidding. There was elbow space in the shed, that was for sure, but it only had one room. A bed on one side, with a desk next to it, a table one one side with a bunch of pencils, pens, and tablets on it, with a lamp on top, a couple shelves above the bed, a stove, an eating table, a few pictures on the walls, a chest with some bags and satchels over it next to the bed, and a carpet.
“Kinda like a Minecraft house!” Steve said with a smile. Then he noticed a little detail he missed. A large silver box that was taller than him sat on one side of the room. Steve smiled. “You gotta fridgerator?!” he asked in surprise. “I’m hoooome!” he called as he ran up and hugged it. James sat down on the bed and smiled. “It runs on red ice, so it never heats up or burns out; my invention!” he said proudly.
“Right,” John said as he leaned against the stove. “But who retrieved the ice?” he asked. James frowned and didn’t answer.
Steve walked over to the chest. The bags on top had rupees, carvings, notepads, and other junk that James was prone to carrying. Steve flipped open the chest and looked around. Sketch pads, carvings, figurines, and a very long scabbard. Steve carefully pulled it out.
“What’s this?” he asked. James smiled and walked over. He took the scabbard and carefully pulled the sheath off, revealing a long silver blade! “What is that?” Steve asked in admiration. “The Giant’s Knife!” James said proudly. “Can slice a boulder in half and kill anything in a near-instant!” James’ proud face disappeared as he placed the sword back into its chest. “This one’s gotta last me a bit. It’s warranty is only for another week.”
“A week?!” Steve asked in astonishment. “What kinda sword is that?!”
“Fragile!” John answered as he helped himself to an apple. “Every couple of weeks James has to take it back to Death Mountain to get it fixed!” James let out an angry sigh and went over to his writing desk.
“Well, even Seven years in the future, you’re still paying for something that keeps on breaking!” Steve said as he crossed his arms. James shrugged. “I would get Master Biggoron to make a better one for me, but he’s not feeling too well.” James said. Steve nodded and walked over to James’ desk. James was scribbling down notes on a tablet.
“What’re ya doing?” Steve asked. James looked up from his work. “Writing a story for the Kakariko post, I can make a few extra bucks if this thing wins the prize!” he said.
“So, what is it? An adventure story?”
“No.”
“A ...love story?”
“No.”
“An action story?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?!”
“An action-packed Love-adventure Story!”
John sighed and shook his head, but he felt a presence. A dark... sneaky one. A sly smile crossed his lips. Three... two... one...!! John stuck out his foot and sent somebody topping to the floor. James and Steve immediately turned around to see what appeared to be a young man in a purple garb on the floor. John smiled down at the figure. “You’re terrible at sneaking!” he sneered. For a moment the figure disappeared, and then reappeared right next to Steve, implying him to jump back.
“How dare you ruin my entrance!” a low, muffled voice growled.
“Who are you?!” Steve cried. The figure held up its head proudly. “I am Sheik! Last of the Sheikah!”
“Oh, Hi, Zelda!” John said with a smile. “Hi John!” the figure said with a sudden change in voice, but then its posture changed as the other replied, “No compromising! We agreed we wouldn’t compromise things to the hero of time!” Sheik shouted. John just smiled. Steve’s dopiest expression took his face. “What’s going on?” he asked. John pointed to James. “James! Story time! You tell ‘em!” James stood up. “M-me! Why me! You tell him!” John glared and crossed his arms. James shook his head. “Fine...!” He grumbled as he sat back down.
“When Zelda fled from Hyrule with Impa, the G-man’s forces started becoming harsher, so in order to conceal herself better, Zelda had Impa cast a spell on her that concealed her as a Sheikah boy, however, in a strange turn of events, the Sheikah she got stuck with was Impa’s old nephew!”
“Huh...?” Not too much had penetrated, apparently. James let out a huff.
“Long story short, Zelda uses a spell to trade places with a Sheikah... kinda... I think...?” John raised his hand.
“It’s complicated, we best not stress it!” He said. John turned to Sheik. “What do you have for us?” he asked. Sheik resumed his authoritative position.
“I have received word from the forest that their Temple has been invaded, and the hero of time is needed. No more dawdling, it’s time to fulfill the prophecy and awaken the sages! I gotta schedule to keep!” Sheik said boldly. Steve flickered his eyes. “N-now! I just got here, and I don’t think I’m ready for anymore walking! It’s evening already and...”
Sheik glared at Steve with his blood-red eyes. “Very well,” he mumbled. “Until we meet again; farewell!” Sheik called as he held up his hand, holding a smoke bomb, but James grabbed the arm and pulled it down.
“No more smoke bombs!” he snapped. “You use the door like normal people!” Sheik pulled back his arm and angrily walked out the door. Steve was still inside his position after Sheik glared at him. “Was that Zelda... or the other guy?” he asked. James had to pull Steve to his feet. “Sometimes, it’s hard to tell.” James said. “Now then, since it’s almost dinner time, I’ll go get something for chow.” James opened up the fridge and started piling stuff on the small table. “Kay, I got some rice you could heat up on the stove, some veggies, some stir-fry, and some cold bacon.”
Steve shrugged. “I’m actually kinda thirsty. Whaddya got for drinking.” James nodded and searched a little deeper. “Okay, I got cola, some orange juice, and... Something pink.” Steve had a hard time choosing. “I’ll take the pink!” He said. James took the orange juice and John took the cola. “Wait!” John shouted. “Cola? In Zelda!” James shrugged. “Hey, it’s our fantasy.” The two drank for a bit.
“Shouldn’t Malon be cooking or something?” Steve asked. James shrugged. “It’s usually me, but we agreed on leftovers tonight.” Steve folded his arms. “We?” he asked. James sighed. “As in Ingo...” he admitted. “But it’s him or Malon! And I’d rather take orders from him!”
“Speaking of which, why do you let Malon boss you around like that?” Steve asked.
“Quite a simple reason, brother.” James said. “Manly manners. I gotta do some work, so I might as well, and it gives me opportunity for extra work without Ingo getting suspicious. But I know what you mean. Sometimes with Malon, I have to be firm and stern with her.”
“Hey James?” Malon called from outside. “Could you...”
“MAKE YOUR OWN SANDWICH!” James screamed back. Silence hung. John palmed his face and pointed at James. “Ba-ka!” he whispered. “Ba-ka!”
“Wow, that’s amazing, that was just what I was about to do...” Malon said quietly as her voice to disappear. “Just wanted to know if you wanted one too, that’s all...” she added with a whimper. Steve was surprised. “Wasn’t that a bit harsh?” he asked. James shrugged. “She’s done it before. And odds are, four out of five times she’s bluffing and trying to use her charm on me.”
“What if this is that other time?” Steve asked, but was nudged by John. “Hey, I make the funnies!” John said angrily. “But I’ve never made enough funnies before! I wanna make a funny!” “Bacon?” James offered. Steve stared at the rubbery strips of pork. “You are what you eat!” he said. “I’ll go see what the house has to eat.” He said as he went outside. John was quick to follow. James was left all alone.
Steve and John neared the house, when Steve remembered something. “I thought you said you weren’t allowed near the house!” he said. “Ingo’s off on his happy hour,” John said. “I have an hour to spare. And plus, It’s not like he’ll care. He once became so tired of me that he convinced himself that I’m a garden gnome with a gland problem, and one time he came back from his happy hour and was convinced!” Steve frowned at the explanation.
“Are you sure he wasn’t.... erh...” he began. “Loopy?” John asked. Steve shook his head. “No, the word I’m looking for is-- I can’t say, cuz this is an E-10 game!”
John wasn’t listening and entered the house’s kitchen, and was rather surprised to see Malon was at the table, crying.
“Dare I ask?” Steve asked. “I tried to be nice for once...” Malon whimpered. Steve rolled his eyes and walked over to John. “She for real?” he asked. John shook his head. “It’s all an act. Girl cry, sorry guy, he does what she wants, and everyone’s happy. But James likes to break the mold. You reap what you sow, that’s the things go on the farm,” he said.
“Hey, could you...” Malon began.
“Sorry, I don’t take orders!” John called back, implying her to whimper some more. John grabbed some pieces of bread and started to put some PB&J on them. Steve crossed his arms. “You know John, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re not pulling as much Jokes...” John looked up. “Uhwa?” John asked in a very Tim Allen-esque voice. “T-That’s not true!” he defended. “I pull lots of Jokes every now and then... like... like the cart!”
“You do that daily!” Steve said. “Plus it’s not exactly a prank, it’s pretty...”
“Mean!” Navi piped up. John hesitated, but then smiled. “Ooh! Get this! I did something to Gaia!”
“Uh-oh”
“Okay, it was like last Monday,” John began. “And Gaia, said he hated espresso, so I gave him a cup of coffee and told him it was decaf, and... and...!”
“He’s been jumping off the walls ever since!” Malon called over. John only laughed, but his laughter was cut off by what sounded like bullets screaming in the background. “Duck!” he shouted just as a red bolt rushed into the room, bounced all over the room, and ran up to Steve.
“Heyastevehowsitbeen?Haventseenyousinceforever! Whenwasthelasttimewemet? Ohright! Itwasatthethingwithbeelzemonwasn’tit?!Ohwaddyaknow,i’mrunninglateforthatracewithahare...seeyalater!!”
Steve slowly rose to his feet. “That’s not a Joke!” he said. “That’s an abomination! And how come he didn’t act like that when we fought Beelzemon?”
“He did. Didn’t you see him jumping around? How about a small humming noise?” John asked.
“What? Was that his wings?”
“No, that was him talking, he only talks like that after he takes his pills, otherwise, he’s so fast that if you stand next to him you risk a... a...” John was lost for words.
“Sonic injury?” Steve asked. “...Huh?” John apparently didn’t listen. “John! You’re not only losing your touch with jokes! You’re losing your touch with brains! You’re acting like Ruto when she gets Brain-Strain! Speaking of which, is she dead?!” John wasn’t listening. Surprisingly, John looked desperate.
“H-hey! Look at this!” John said as he pulled out his trusty kazoo. “I can still do this!” Steve braced himself. Too-Taa! Too-Taaaa! The hauntingly familiar sound echoed through the house but nothing happened. “No...” John whispered. “I-I’m the king... I’m supposed to be the king...!” John said as he nervously made his way to a door. He opened the door, and a bucket of water fell on his head.
“John!” Steve moaned. “Uph! I set this up!” John said, the bucket still on his head. “Three months ago!” Malon added. “N-no...!” John muttered. “This can’t be happening! I set this up! How could I fall for it? I set it up! I put it up there... I told everyone that there was a bucket up there! I...”
“John!” Steve shouted as he grabbed his brother’s shoulders. “Get a grip!” he shouted as he gave John a smack in the head, striking the bucket, and sending a vibration through John that rattled his bucket off. “How do you feel?” Steve asked. “I can’t feel my head...” John dope-ily replied. “How do you feel emotionally?” Steve asked. “...Like a bucket just fell off my head...” John answered again. “How does your ego feel?” Steve enunciated, losing his patience. “Like a bucket just fell off my head... is that good for my ego?” Steve took a deep breath and growled under his breath. “In control...” he mumbled.
“You and James really are brothers,” Malon commented. Steve tried to keep his cool. “C’mon, John!” Steve said. “Whatever happened to the Blue Clown? The Bane of Impa’s patience? The smart alec suitor for Zelda? The guy who could snap his fingers and a pie would fall? Is he still in there? Or is he gonna let all this stuff gum him down?” John’s eyes lit up and his back straightened.
“You're right!” he cried. “I am the king! I did do all those amazing jokes, and I still will! And I know in my heart; when I blew in this Kazoo, someone got creamed with a pie!” Clang! John’s momentous speech was interrupted by the sound of a tin-pan rattling on the floor. John and Steve slowly turned around and saw a middle-aged man, wearing Shakespeare-esque clothing, and a face completely covered in lemon-meringue. The figure poked two eyeholes, marked a moustache line and made an opening for his mouth.
“So you’re the one who threw the pie...!” Ingo muffled. John reached down and picked up the pan. “Well... I dunno... exactly. But...” Wham! John threw the pan back on Ingo’s face.
“He can’t see us, run!” John shouted as he bolted for the door, Steve following, followed by a blue and red bur of pixie dust. Ingo didn’t bother chasing. He was about to sit down, when John ran back, shoved the bucket on his head, and gave the bucket a bang. “I am the King!” John shouted before darting out the door. “Kids today...!” Ingo rumbled as he pulled off the bucket. He sat down at the table and let out a muffled groan. Malon started twiddling her fingers.
“Hey, could you...?” she began.
“No!” Ingo muffled. “You don’t even know what I was going to ask...” Malon tried to explain, but was interrupted again. “I’m not making you a sandwich!” Ingo muffled. “Kay, so maybe you do know,” Malon said as she lay her head on her arms. Ingo pealed the tin pan back enough to let his mouth through. “You really hungry?” he asked. Malon eagerly nodded. Ingo pulled off the pan, scraped of the pie, and dropped it in front of Malon. “Avoid the moustache, and Bon appetit!” Ingo said as he walked off. Malon stared at the questionable concoction. “...I think I’ll make my own sandwich...”
James had Steve wake up bright and early, and after they had a measly breakfast, they packed up for their journey into the woods. James focused on equipment, and Steve focused on the food. But after his lack of success in the fridge, he decided to borrow some grub from the farm. It’s not like Malon would notice. Finally the two were ready, and they headed out the shed and into the bright dawn of the farm. James acquired their cart and loaded up their day’s supplies.
“Isn’t that a bit much for just a day?” James asked as Steve loaded the big bag of food. “If we see the Kokiri, we’re gonna need extra!” Steve said as he struggled to shove the sack into the cart. “What, do they beg?” James asked. “No! They attack!” Steve said as he finally shoved the sack in. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go grab the other one!” Steve said as he walked off. Regardless, James barred up the wagon. “Kay... food... weapons... Steve... who am I missing...?”
“Hello!”
“Daah!” James yelped and turned around to see John right behind him. “Yes! I am the king!” John proclaimed. James let out a groan. “What are you bringing?” he asked. “My kazoo, my shield, my sword, and me and Gaia’s pills.” John said.
“Your pills?” James asked. “Yes... as you know... I’m inheriting some allergies from mom, and it’s showing up in the dream world!” John’s voice began to crack and screech as he coughed a little. “Could you open these?” he asked as gave James a small bottle and out his hands behind his back. James looked at John with a suspicious eye. “Why should I...?” he asked.
“Cuz I can’t!” John said as he held up his hands, which were now bloated beyond recognition. James reared back a little and carefully unscrewed the lid and... POW! Smoke shot out and struck James in the face. John smiled and bit his fingers and his swollen hands deflated like balloons. He pulled off the rubber gloves he inflated as James looked up at John, his face charred. “What was that...?” he whispered. John smiled. “Gotcha!” he said proudly.
“Now where am I supposed to put this?!” Steve asked angrily as he lay down the other bag. James wiped the dust off of his face. “We won’t, we don’t need it!” he said.
“Have seen how much those little guys eat?!” Steve asked. “Fine! Hide it in the compartment under the cart!” James groaned.
“So where’s Epona?” John asked. “Haven’t got her yet...” James said. “I was gonna get Malon to let me borrow her, but I don’t think she’s up yet. Plus I dunno if she’s okay with letting the Ranch’s prize horse going into the deepest, darkest part of the woods.”
“Oh, you mean her?” Steve asked as he pointed behind him. James’ mouth dropped open. Epona was behind Steve. “How’d you...?” James gasped. “Malon let me take her,” Steve said. “She said Ingo doesn’t pay her enough to care.” John clapped his hands.
“Fair enough then!” he said. “Let’s get outta here!”
“HOLD IT!” The two cringed at the sound of a very familiar grouchy voice. Ingo marched up to the three boys. “I know what yer doing!” he said. “And it’s not gonna happen! Any use of that horse beyond business is restricted!”
“But this is business!” James said. “Yeah! Those forest kids need their milk!” John added. Ingo shook his head. “Not gonna work this time, Lil’ Red!” he growled. “You’re not able to use Epona, unless you earn her!”
“Oh...” James said thoughtfully. “How about I pay with that IOU you owe me, for how long, now? Four years?” Ingo held up his finger.
“N-now! Let’s not get smart!” he said. “I have a perfectly logical compromise!”
“And what kind of compromise might that be, Ingo?” James asked.
“A horse race!!” Everyone was silent.
“Yeah, challenge a wrangler for a horse. That'll work!” John said. "What, are you scared of losing to me?!" Ingo asked. "No, I'm scared of your anger!" John said. "But I only get angry if someone throws a pie at me!" Ingo said. He paused. "That was you... wasn't it?!"
"Sorry, you must have me confused for some other blue clown!" John said. "I know every clown I see, and you're the only one!" Ingo replied. "Well if you're being so smart maybe we won't accept the challenge!" John said. "Fine! Then you don't get the horse!"
"GUYS!!" James shouted. "What?!" the two asked. "The race!"
"Kay..."
Chpt 21: The Farm Boy, the payback, and the Homecoming
*Important Creator's note, the colors of Terry and Gaia have been switched for creative purposes.
Hyrule Field
John and Steve slowly traversed the dried fields of Hyrule. Occasionally a small chat would come up, but the trip remained mostly uneventful. Until John checked the time. A wry smile crossed his face. “Ooh, boy! It’s time!” John said with glee. “Time for what?” Steve asked. John pointed to a large patch of dirt in the grass ahead. “What happened over there?” Steve asked. “Correction!” John said as he reached down and picked up a large stone. “What happens over there!” John set down the stone just behind the patch of dirt. “Oh-hohoho… John! Don’t do this!” Gaia squeaked. “Remember what happened last time?!”
“Yeah!” John said as he did some last-minute calculations. “He broke the record!” John quickly backed away. Steve waited. Nothing happened. “John…?” he asked. But then sound broke out in the distance. Horse whinnying, wheels rattling, and angry shouting, and it was heading this way!
“Hit the dirt!” John said as he backed up. The wagon streaked by too fast for Steve to follow. “Slow down ya dern horse!” the voice called. “This ain’t a Rodeo! Cool it—Uh… OH NO!”
The wagon struck the rock and jerked to a stop. However, the rider was flung plenty times his length forward. Steve watched in awestruck horror as the rider made a quite painful landing. The wagon suffered a broken wheel. A minute or two passed before the figure pulled himself up and trudged back to the wagon. He wore a red tunic, black gauntlets, and black buckled boots. The figure walked up to the halted wagon, patted the horse, who was just as shocked as Steve was, walked to the back of the wagon, took out a flask of Grape Juice, and took a long, tired drink.
“One… two…” The figure muttered as he screwed the lid back on. “Three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine…” The figure struggled for a moment… muscles tensing… jaw tightening. “Ten…!” The figure threw the flask back inside. In one swift movement, the figure kicked off the broken wagon wheel and kicked the stone back at John, who caught it just as swiftly.
“Jo-ohn!” the figure shouted as he walked right up to John, his eyes blazing. “That’s the last straw!” he shouted. “I try to make a humble living in this dust-bowl, but every other day you crawl from your rock and rig my route!” John just smiled and listened, obviously infuriating the victim more. “Did it ever occur to you that my life might be at risk because of this! I could’ve broken something! I probably won’t be able to sell all the stuff because of how much was broken! I might get evicted or go hungry!”
John just smiled and crossed his arms. “You always forget, that this is a dream,” John said confidently. “Nothing bad could ever happen, so I can exert myself!” The figure glared even harder, but then his gaze softened a little, but his expression became cold. “Yes, you’re right,” the figure said. “I never stay hurt for long, I never get in danger, but this also means… THIS WON’T—“ the figure attempted to step on John’s foot, but the impact met with steel-toed boots. A small grunt of pain escaped the figure’s mouth. “James,” John said. “You’re too predictable!”
James scrunched his nose, and closed his grit mouth. James walked away and back to the wagon. “Well, since you’re here anyway, help me replace the wheel!” James said. He looked up at the sky and frowned. “Great, we gotta get back soon, it’s almost night.”
Steve looked back at John. “I thought you said night wasn’t a problem…” he mumbled. James threw back his head and laughed. “No problems?! Just wait for those ReDeads to show up, and we’ll see how safe night is!”
It only took a few minutes to put the spare wheel in, and John helped bang the nut back in place. James brushed himself off and threw the tools they used back into the wagon. “Well, since you were so helpful, I might consider giving you a ride back!” he mumbled. But then he looked back and saw Steve. “Who’s he?!” James asked. “Didja start a cult or something?!”
“James!” John said. “Don’t say that!”
“Then who is he?!”
“Oh, he’s only the uy-gey from the temple of ime-tey that we’ve been waiting for seven ears-yeh, hint! Int-hey!”
“John Please!” James said. “We haven’t spoken that since the pigs left.” James looked back at Steve, walked back to the horse, but immediately turned around ran up to Steve and took him up in his arms.
“Oh, bro!” James whined. “I’d remember that dopey look anywhere!” Steve let out a little moan, so James loosened up a little.
“The wild James used grapple-arms...” Steve said quietly. “...It’s not very effective! --- Steve used Shove-Off!” Steve started to struggle and push, to no avail. “Not very effective...” he said again.
James quickly let go and let Steve hit the ground, who looked a bit stiff. Steve managed a smile. James smiled back and turned back to the wagon. “You can ride in the back, Steve!” he said as he got into the main seat.
“Woah, wait!” John said. “There’s no more room in the wagon, where do I sit?!” James turned around and cracked an evil smile. “I have a special place for you… Nii-chan!” John’s smile dropped. “Special place… for nii-chan?” he asked. “I’m disturbed…” he said with a confused frown. “I don’t like being disturbed…!”
***
LonLon Ranch
The field was a dried up mess, the trees barely grew, but the Ranch still looked fine. Granted it looked like it’d seen better days. James finally pulled the wagon to a stop right in front of the ranch. James smiled and hopped off as he led Epona through the gate. Steve hopped out of the back of the wagon with a nice feeling of nostalgia, but he was still uncertain about something.
“You sure John’s alright?” Steve asked. James’ evil smile returned as he pointed. A rope was tied to the back of the wagon... and one end was completely missing. Steve let out a gulp. Finally, John came back to the two, ripped and scuffed up, holding the rest of the rope, which used to be tied to his leg. However, John was smiling(?).
“So, how’d it go?” James asked. John breathed in and out, stressing each breath. “P-Piece of cake!” John coughed. “Oh, it was nothing then?” Steve asked nervously. “No... I lost... a piece of cake!” John finished. Steve let out a concerned moan. “How fast did Epona go?” Steve asked. “Oh... this wasn’t Epona...” John moaned. “Well... this was,” John pointed out his scraped knee. “Then what happened?” Steve asked. “ ‘Ran into a Big Poe!”
James paused for a moment, but shrugged. “Still happy!” he said as he continued to lead Epona. The ranch, as aforementioned, was visually appealing compared to outside, but nonetheless looked better seven years ago. James approached the gate into the dwelling areas and held out his hand. “Hold it!” he said. “Watch, this!”
James daintily raised one foot, and carefully moved into the dwelling area, and placed it down.
“WHO’S THERE?!” A Voice almost immediately cried. “It’s Just me, mister Ingo!” James called. “Me who?”
“Link James forgot-last-name!” James called back. “Shoot... Go ahead, Lil' Red!” The voice mumbled. James nodded to the others and walked into the stalls with Epona. " 'Lil red?' " John asked. James set his jaw and didn't answer. Steve took one last look around before following James, while John went elsewhere, most likely to clean up.
After James put Epona back in her Stall, cleaned and fed her, he went to a bucket of water to rinse off his hands. “Well, I’m glad to see that you keep your habit of washing after you start sweating,” Steve said. James let out a snort. “What sweat? This is for milking the cows!” he said. Steve winced, and wondered why his mildly hygienic brother would want to risk cow-pox.
“I gotta get milk to pay off my rent!” James answered Steve’s unspoken question. “I was trying to sell all the curdled stuff to the monsters back at Castle Town, but thanks to somebody I had to leave them behind.” Steve nodded at the explanation.
John leaned over into the rain basin and hastily washed his hair out after the beating he took from the Poe. In the games, poes never bit, did they? John dunked his head into the water, shook around a bit, then drew it out, letting his hair drain.
“That’s supposed to stay clean, ya know!” John turned around after hearing the voice, and there stood Malon, carrying a bucket. It took John a moment to respond with all the water pouring down his face. He took the cloak he used for the city and used it like a towel on his face. His bright brown hair from before had returned to its almost black-brown color. John let out a sigh.
“I don’t see why I have to bother to notice when you don’t hafta bother to put down a sign!” John retorted. Malon just sighed and turned around. Maybe she could somebody to filter... no, pasteurize the water after what John did. “Is your brother home?” She asked, but her attention was diverted for a second to see John was drinking right out of the basin like with a straw. She shuddered and backed away.
In the real world, James never touched a cow unless he was up at the village and helping the village kids keep cows out of the fields, but here he stood milking a cow.
“So... what do you do here?” Steve asked. “What does it look like I’m doing?!” he snapped.
“No, I mean afterwards, like what do you do in your free-time?” It took James a moment to answer.
“Well, I hang out in my cabin, do some sketching... write some stuff... read some stuff... play the guitar...”
“You can play Guitar now?!” Steve asked eagerly.
“It’s been Seven Years!” James replied. “What do you think hasn’t changed?!”
“You’re still developing facial hair,” Steve answered. James felt his lip and chin, and shrugged. “Yeah, but that seems to be the problem!” he says. “I read somewhere that Girls today like Smooth faces!”
“Where’d ya read that?”
“Kakariko post, John’s been able to slip me an issue every now and then.”
“James, I never thought you of all people would believe what those Magazines say!” Steve said with a disappointed huff.
“Desperate Times call for desperate measures!” James said.
“Er... speaking of which, I don’t exactly know what to think after what John told me...” Steve began, “But, what’s going on between you and Malon?”
James looked up as an indescribable look went through his eyes. The cow let out a distressing grunt, implying James to take his hands back. “Whoops, sorry Bessie!” James said as he patted the cow and got up. “I better tell Malon to put you on Sick Bay...” James mumbled.
“Malon?” Steve asked again. James paused.
“Oh yeah! Right... Well, things are fine, I guess. We’re able to talk over work and all that... She reminds me that I’m still the voice of reason around here!” Steve rolled his eyes at the statement. “But... sometimes she’s a little, how do I put it... Lazy. She likes to leave the men with most of the work around here!” James said.
“JAMES!” A voice called from outside. “Your brother washed in the Rain Basin again! Come out and Pasteurize it!” James bowed his head and let out a moan. “Yessum!” he called unenthusiastically.
James struck a match and threw it into the pile of logs and twigs he placed under the steel basin and got out a long brewing stick to stir it.
“John, water’s hard to come by nowadays!” James said as he angrily stirred. “And with most of the wells dried up, water’s pretty hard to find!”
John walked over with an empty pitcher. “It wouldn’t be so hard if you wouldn’t be so picky!” he said as scooped out some water from the basin and walked away with it. “I don’t wanna die of Cholera, John!” James called after him. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only modern person in this place!” James spoke too soon. Steve walked over, eating out of a bottle of white mush with a spoon. James froze. “WHAT... is that?!” he asked. Steve had to stop and think.
“I don’t really know...” he said with a half-full mouth.
“You don’t know... and...?” James inquired.
“You know, come to think of it... this may be the milk I had in the bottle before I drew the sword!” Steve said. “C’mon! Try some it tastes like Ice Cream!” James held up his hand and shuddered.
Steve looked around.
“Say, where’s Terry?” he asked, but James rushed over and covered his mouth.
“N-no! S-Sh! Quiet he might hear...”
“Hear what?”
“Daaah!” James turned around to see the little red puffball of madness just a few feet away from him. The red Fairy tilted his body, shrugged, and fluttered away.
“You let that guy boss you around?” Steve asked. James gave Steve a dire look. “He’s been getting the drop on me, Steve! I gotta keep my eye on the cauldron, and if he sees me talking with you, he might drop something in! Don’t you realize that me sitting here at a cauldron like a witch makes me vulnerable to all sorts of humiliations?” he asked. Steve didn’t have time to answer, for Malon came over, and James immediately took a visage of silence.
“How goes it?” she asked.
“ ‘Goes fine,” James said, not looking. “Once this thing’s done boiling all we have to do is filter it to get the John-gunk out.”
Malon set down a bucket. “Is it clean enough to take some to the cows?” she asked. James nodded.
“ ‘Should be, It’s been brewing for like five minutes.”
“How long till we get the filter?” Malon asked. James shrugged.
“Maybe another five or so--- AAAAAAIIIIIEEE!” The scream James let out seemed to bring the whole ranch to a halt. Malon stared unimpressed at James. “Wow,” she said. “I didn’t know your voice could go that high.” She said as she took the bucket and left.
James wasn’t trying to listen. He turned around and there was Terry, grinning up at him. “You BIT me!!” James snapped at the puffball. Terry only laughed. “Well I couldn’t drop anything in!” he said as he fluttered away. James let out an angry growl as he continued stirring.
“What in blue-thunder was that?!” and angry voice called out. “Nothing sir!” James hastily called back. “You let Ingo boss you around too?” Steve asked.
“Ever since Talon left, he’s been worse than ever, and could do something to me, get my drift?!” James asked. Steve shook his head. James took a look around before saying these words to Steve.
“Rumor has it...” he said quietly, “If he stares at something long enough, it’ll explode!” Steve’s mouth dropped open.
“Ah-hahaha!” John laughed as he walked by. “That;s gonna happen!” he spat. Ker-booom!! The quake sent John to his feet. Ingo walked by the group, his eyes burning, with a column of smoke in the distance behind him. “Don’t hurt me, all-powerful wizard!” John cried as he cowered away.
After James had finished brewing the basin, he decided to take Steve to his crib, and much to James’ chagrin, John came along. “It’s not very luxurious,” James said. “But it’s comfy enough. it’s like Gramps’ old trailer!”
The old Shed stood on the far end of the farm, and wasn’t very big. Steve tilted his head. “Isn’t that where the stable that blew up used to be?” he asked. James shrugged. “Don’t care, to be honest!” he said. James unlocked the door and stepped inside. Steve took a look around, and saw James wasn’t kidding. There was elbow space in the shed, that was for sure, but it only had one room. A bed on one side, with a desk next to it, a table one one side with a bunch of pencils, pens, and tablets on it, with a lamp on top, a couple shelves above the bed, a stove, an eating table, a few pictures on the walls, a chest with some bags and satchels over it next to the bed, and a carpet.
“Kinda like a Minecraft house!” Steve said with a smile. Then he noticed a little detail he missed. A large silver box that was taller than him sat on one side of the room. Steve smiled. “You gotta fridgerator?!” he asked in surprise. “I’m hoooome!” he called as he ran up and hugged it. James sat down on the bed and smiled. “It runs on red ice, so it never heats up or burns out; my invention!” he said proudly.
“Right,” John said as he leaned against the stove. “But who retrieved the ice?” he asked. James frowned and didn’t answer.
Steve walked over to the chest. The bags on top had rupees, carvings, notepads, and other junk that James was prone to carrying. Steve flipped open the chest and looked around. Sketch pads, carvings, figurines, and a very long scabbard. Steve carefully pulled it out.
“What’s this?” he asked. James smiled and walked over. He took the scabbard and carefully pulled the sheath off, revealing a long silver blade! “What is that?” Steve asked in admiration. “The Giant’s Knife!” James said proudly. “Can slice a boulder in half and kill anything in a near-instant!” James’ proud face disappeared as he placed the sword back into its chest. “This one’s gotta last me a bit. It’s warranty is only for another week.”
“A week?!” Steve asked in astonishment. “What kinda sword is that?!”
“Fragile!” John answered as he helped himself to an apple. “Every couple of weeks James has to take it back to Death Mountain to get it fixed!” James let out an angry sigh and went over to his writing desk.
“Well, even Seven years in the future, you’re still paying for something that keeps on breaking!” Steve said as he crossed his arms. James shrugged. “I would get Master Biggoron to make a better one for me, but he’s not feeling too well.” James said. Steve nodded and walked over to James’ desk. James was scribbling down notes on a tablet.
“What’re ya doing?” Steve asked. James looked up from his work. “Writing a story for the Kakariko post, I can make a few extra bucks if this thing wins the prize!” he said.
“So, what is it? An adventure story?”
“No.”
“A ...love story?”
“No.”
“An action story?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?!”
“An action-packed Love-adventure Story!”
John sighed and shook his head, but he felt a presence. A dark... sneaky one. A sly smile crossed his lips. Three... two... one...!! John stuck out his foot and sent somebody topping to the floor. James and Steve immediately turned around to see what appeared to be a young man in a purple garb on the floor. John smiled down at the figure. “You’re terrible at sneaking!” he sneered. For a moment the figure disappeared, and then reappeared right next to Steve, implying him to jump back.
“How dare you ruin my entrance!” a low, muffled voice growled.
“Who are you?!” Steve cried. The figure held up its head proudly. “I am Sheik! Last of the Sheikah!”
“Oh, Hi, Zelda!” John said with a smile. “Hi John!” the figure said with a sudden change in voice, but then its posture changed as the other replied, “No compromising! We agreed we wouldn’t compromise things to the hero of time!” Sheik shouted. John just smiled. Steve’s dopiest expression took his face. “What’s going on?” he asked. John pointed to James. “James! Story time! You tell ‘em!” James stood up. “M-me! Why me! You tell him!” John glared and crossed his arms. James shook his head. “Fine...!” He grumbled as he sat back down.
“When Zelda fled from Hyrule with Impa, the G-man’s forces started becoming harsher, so in order to conceal herself better, Zelda had Impa cast a spell on her that concealed her as a Sheikah boy, however, in a strange turn of events, the Sheikah she got stuck with was Impa’s old nephew!”
“Huh...?” Not too much had penetrated, apparently. James let out a huff.
“Long story short, Zelda uses a spell to trade places with a Sheikah... kinda... I think...?” John raised his hand.
“It’s complicated, we best not stress it!” He said. John turned to Sheik. “What do you have for us?” he asked. Sheik resumed his authoritative position.
“I have received word from the forest that their Temple has been invaded, and the hero of time is needed. No more dawdling, it’s time to fulfill the prophecy and awaken the sages! I gotta schedule to keep!” Sheik said boldly. Steve flickered his eyes. “N-now! I just got here, and I don’t think I’m ready for anymore walking! It’s evening already and...”
Sheik glared at Steve with his blood-red eyes. “Very well,” he mumbled. “Until we meet again; farewell!” Sheik called as he held up his hand, holding a smoke bomb, but James grabbed the arm and pulled it down.
“No more smoke bombs!” he snapped. “You use the door like normal people!” Sheik pulled back his arm and angrily walked out the door. Steve was still inside his position after Sheik glared at him. “Was that Zelda... or the other guy?” he asked. James had to pull Steve to his feet. “Sometimes, it’s hard to tell.” James said. “Now then, since it’s almost dinner time, I’ll go get something for chow.” James opened up the fridge and started piling stuff on the small table. “Kay, I got some rice you could heat up on the stove, some veggies, some stir-fry, and some cold bacon.”
Steve shrugged. “I’m actually kinda thirsty. Whaddya got for drinking.” James nodded and searched a little deeper. “Okay, I got cola, some orange juice, and... Something pink.” Steve had a hard time choosing. “I’ll take the pink!” He said. James took the orange juice and John took the cola. “Wait!” John shouted. “Cola? In Zelda!” James shrugged. “Hey, it’s our fantasy.” The two drank for a bit.
“Shouldn’t Malon be cooking or something?” Steve asked. James shrugged. “It’s usually me, but we agreed on leftovers tonight.” Steve folded his arms. “We?” he asked. James sighed. “As in Ingo...” he admitted. “But it’s him or Malon! And I’d rather take orders from him!”
“Speaking of which, why do you let Malon boss you around like that?” Steve asked.
“Quite a simple reason, brother.” James said. “Manly manners. I gotta do some work, so I might as well, and it gives me opportunity for extra work without Ingo getting suspicious. But I know what you mean. Sometimes with Malon, I have to be firm and stern with her.”
“Hey James?” Malon called from outside. “Could you...”
“MAKE YOUR OWN SANDWICH!” James screamed back. Silence hung. John palmed his face and pointed at James. “Ba-ka!” he whispered. “Ba-ka!”
“Wow, that’s amazing, that was just what I was about to do...” Malon said quietly as her voice to disappear. “Just wanted to know if you wanted one too, that’s all...” she added with a whimper. Steve was surprised. “Wasn’t that a bit harsh?” he asked. James shrugged. “She’s done it before. And odds are, four out of five times she’s bluffing and trying to use her charm on me.”
“What if this is that other time?” Steve asked, but was nudged by John. “Hey, I make the funnies!” John said angrily. “But I’ve never made enough funnies before! I wanna make a funny!” “Bacon?” James offered. Steve stared at the rubbery strips of pork. “You are what you eat!” he said. “I’ll go see what the house has to eat.” He said as he went outside. John was quick to follow. James was left all alone.
Steve and John neared the house, when Steve remembered something. “I thought you said you weren’t allowed near the house!” he said. “Ingo’s off on his happy hour,” John said. “I have an hour to spare. And plus, It’s not like he’ll care. He once became so tired of me that he convinced himself that I’m a garden gnome with a gland problem, and one time he came back from his happy hour and was convinced!” Steve frowned at the explanation.
“Are you sure he wasn’t.... erh...” he began. “Loopy?” John asked. Steve shook his head. “No, the word I’m looking for is-- I can’t say, cuz this is an E-10 game!”
John wasn’t listening and entered the house’s kitchen, and was rather surprised to see Malon was at the table, crying.
“Dare I ask?” Steve asked. “I tried to be nice for once...” Malon whimpered. Steve rolled his eyes and walked over to John. “She for real?” he asked. John shook his head. “It’s all an act. Girl cry, sorry guy, he does what she wants, and everyone’s happy. But James likes to break the mold. You reap what you sow, that’s the things go on the farm,” he said.
“Hey, could you...” Malon began.
“Sorry, I don’t take orders!” John called back, implying her to whimper some more. John grabbed some pieces of bread and started to put some PB&J on them. Steve crossed his arms. “You know John, I couldn’t help but notice that you’re not pulling as much Jokes...” John looked up. “Uhwa?” John asked in a very Tim Allen-esque voice. “T-That’s not true!” he defended. “I pull lots of Jokes every now and then... like... like the cart!”
“You do that daily!” Steve said. “Plus it’s not exactly a prank, it’s pretty...”
“Mean!” Navi piped up. John hesitated, but then smiled. “Ooh! Get this! I did something to Gaia!”
“Uh-oh”
“Okay, it was like last Monday,” John began. “And Gaia, said he hated espresso, so I gave him a cup of coffee and told him it was decaf, and... and...!”
“He’s been jumping off the walls ever since!” Malon called over. John only laughed, but his laughter was cut off by what sounded like bullets screaming in the background. “Duck!” he shouted just as a red bolt rushed into the room, bounced all over the room, and ran up to Steve.
“Heyastevehowsitbeen?Haventseenyousinceforever! Whenwasthelasttimewemet? Ohright! Itwasatthethingwithbeelzemonwasn’tit?!Ohwaddyaknow,i’mrunninglateforthatracewithahare...seeyalater!!”
Steve slowly rose to his feet. “That’s not a Joke!” he said. “That’s an abomination! And how come he didn’t act like that when we fought Beelzemon?”
“He did. Didn’t you see him jumping around? How about a small humming noise?” John asked.
“What? Was that his wings?”
“No, that was him talking, he only talks like that after he takes his pills, otherwise, he’s so fast that if you stand next to him you risk a... a...” John was lost for words.
“Sonic injury?” Steve asked. “...Huh?” John apparently didn’t listen. “John! You’re not only losing your touch with jokes! You’re losing your touch with brains! You’re acting like Ruto when she gets Brain-Strain! Speaking of which, is she dead?!” John wasn’t listening. Surprisingly, John looked desperate.
“H-hey! Look at this!” John said as he pulled out his trusty kazoo. “I can still do this!” Steve braced himself. Too-Taa! Too-Taaaa! The hauntingly familiar sound echoed through the house but nothing happened. “No...” John whispered. “I-I’m the king... I’m supposed to be the king...!” John said as he nervously made his way to a door. He opened the door, and a bucket of water fell on his head.
“John!” Steve moaned. “Uph! I set this up!” John said, the bucket still on his head. “Three months ago!” Malon added. “N-no...!” John muttered. “This can’t be happening! I set this up! How could I fall for it? I set it up! I put it up there... I told everyone that there was a bucket up there! I...”
“John!” Steve shouted as he grabbed his brother’s shoulders. “Get a grip!” he shouted as he gave John a smack in the head, striking the bucket, and sending a vibration through John that rattled his bucket off. “How do you feel?” Steve asked. “I can’t feel my head...” John dope-ily replied. “How do you feel emotionally?” Steve asked. “...Like a bucket just fell off my head...” John answered again. “How does your ego feel?” Steve enunciated, losing his patience. “Like a bucket just fell off my head... is that good for my ego?” Steve took a deep breath and growled under his breath. “In control...” he mumbled.
“You and James really are brothers,” Malon commented. Steve tried to keep his cool. “C’mon, John!” Steve said. “Whatever happened to the Blue Clown? The Bane of Impa’s patience? The smart alec suitor for Zelda? The guy who could snap his fingers and a pie would fall? Is he still in there? Or is he gonna let all this stuff gum him down?” John’s eyes lit up and his back straightened.
“You're right!” he cried. “I am the king! I did do all those amazing jokes, and I still will! And I know in my heart; when I blew in this Kazoo, someone got creamed with a pie!” Clang! John’s momentous speech was interrupted by the sound of a tin-pan rattling on the floor. John and Steve slowly turned around and saw a middle-aged man, wearing Shakespeare-esque clothing, and a face completely covered in lemon-meringue. The figure poked two eyeholes, marked a moustache line and made an opening for his mouth.
“So you’re the one who threw the pie...!” Ingo muffled. John reached down and picked up the pan. “Well... I dunno... exactly. But...” Wham! John threw the pan back on Ingo’s face.
“He can’t see us, run!” John shouted as he bolted for the door, Steve following, followed by a blue and red bur of pixie dust. Ingo didn’t bother chasing. He was about to sit down, when John ran back, shoved the bucket on his head, and gave the bucket a bang. “I am the King!” John shouted before darting out the door. “Kids today...!” Ingo rumbled as he pulled off the bucket. He sat down at the table and let out a muffled groan. Malon started twiddling her fingers.
“Hey, could you...?” she began.
“No!” Ingo muffled. “You don’t even know what I was going to ask...” Malon tried to explain, but was interrupted again. “I’m not making you a sandwich!” Ingo muffled. “Kay, so maybe you do know,” Malon said as she lay her head on her arms. Ingo pealed the tin pan back enough to let his mouth through. “You really hungry?” he asked. Malon eagerly nodded. Ingo pulled off the pan, scraped of the pie, and dropped it in front of Malon. “Avoid the moustache, and Bon appetit!” Ingo said as he walked off. Malon stared at the questionable concoction. “...I think I’ll make my own sandwich...”
James had Steve wake up bright and early, and after they had a measly breakfast, they packed up for their journey into the woods. James focused on equipment, and Steve focused on the food. But after his lack of success in the fridge, he decided to borrow some grub from the farm. It’s not like Malon would notice. Finally the two were ready, and they headed out the shed and into the bright dawn of the farm. James acquired their cart and loaded up their day’s supplies.
“Isn’t that a bit much for just a day?” James asked as Steve loaded the big bag of food. “If we see the Kokiri, we’re gonna need extra!” Steve said as he struggled to shove the sack into the cart. “What, do they beg?” James asked. “No! They attack!” Steve said as he finally shoved the sack in. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go grab the other one!” Steve said as he walked off. Regardless, James barred up the wagon. “Kay... food... weapons... Steve... who am I missing...?”
“Hello!”
“Daah!” James yelped and turned around to see John right behind him. “Yes! I am the king!” John proclaimed. James let out a groan. “What are you bringing?” he asked. “My kazoo, my shield, my sword, and me and Gaia’s pills.” John said.
“Your pills?” James asked. “Yes... as you know... I’m inheriting some allergies from mom, and it’s showing up in the dream world!” John’s voice began to crack and screech as he coughed a little. “Could you open these?” he asked as gave James a small bottle and out his hands behind his back. James looked at John with a suspicious eye. “Why should I...?” he asked.
“Cuz I can’t!” John said as he held up his hands, which were now bloated beyond recognition. James reared back a little and carefully unscrewed the lid and... POW! Smoke shot out and struck James in the face. John smiled and bit his fingers and his swollen hands deflated like balloons. He pulled off the rubber gloves he inflated as James looked up at John, his face charred. “What was that...?” he whispered. John smiled. “Gotcha!” he said proudly.
“Now where am I supposed to put this?!” Steve asked angrily as he lay down the other bag. James wiped the dust off of his face. “We won’t, we don’t need it!” he said.
“Have seen how much those little guys eat?!” Steve asked. “Fine! Hide it in the compartment under the cart!” James groaned.
“So where’s Epona?” John asked. “Haven’t got her yet...” James said. “I was gonna get Malon to let me borrow her, but I don’t think she’s up yet. Plus I dunno if she’s okay with letting the Ranch’s prize horse going into the deepest, darkest part of the woods.”
“Oh, you mean her?” Steve asked as he pointed behind him. James’ mouth dropped open. Epona was behind Steve. “How’d you...?” James gasped. “Malon let me take her,” Steve said. “She said Ingo doesn’t pay her enough to care.” John clapped his hands.
“Fair enough then!” he said. “Let’s get outta here!”
“HOLD IT!” The two cringed at the sound of a very familiar grouchy voice. Ingo marched up to the three boys. “I know what yer doing!” he said. “And it’s not gonna happen! Any use of that horse beyond business is restricted!”
“But this is business!” James said. “Yeah! Those forest kids need their milk!” John added. Ingo shook his head. “Not gonna work this time, Lil’ Red!” he growled. “You’re not able to use Epona, unless you earn her!”
“Oh...” James said thoughtfully. “How about I pay with that IOU you owe me, for how long, now? Four years?” Ingo held up his finger.
“N-now! Let’s not get smart!” he said. “I have a perfectly logical compromise!”
“And what kind of compromise might that be, Ingo?” James asked.
“A horse race!!” Everyone was silent.
“Yeah, challenge a wrangler for a horse. That'll work!” John said. "What, are you scared of losing to me?!" Ingo asked. "No, I'm scared of your anger!" John said. "But I only get angry if someone throws a pie at me!" Ingo said. He paused. "That was you... wasn't it?!"
"Sorry, you must have me confused for some other blue clown!" John said. "I know every clown I see, and you're the only one!" Ingo replied. "Well if you're being so smart maybe we won't accept the challenge!" John said. "Fine! Then you don't get the horse!"
"GUYS!!" James shouted. "What?!" the two asked. "The race!"
"Kay..."
Lozoot Special Chapter
Note: This takes place after the horse race and was written to commemorate Christmas, but came a little late. Enjoy!
The sun was shining, baking the soft pasture dirt. The road was dry and cracked, and there wasn’t a soul in any direction for miles. Except one small wagon. A small wagon with a tarp over the back to keep off the heat and to spare the perishables from the heat, and because the the one person in the back threatened the others if action wasn’t taken. Three sat in the front. One was wearing a green tunic and white pants, the other wore a red one and grey pants, and the darker color made it more uncomfortable for him, and the other one wore a Blue and Black tunic, so it made sense why he’d hate the heat. The red one steered the horse, and the green one sat at one side, and the Blue one sat on the other, and he sweated from theheat, as a matter of fact, even for one raised by the Zoras, the sweat trailed all the way out the wagon, and the dripping noise was very audible, even over the Horse’s hoof beats. Finally the blue one’s patience was spent.
“Doggonit! How could it be so hot?!” he complained as he wrung out his shirt. “What time of the year is it, anyway?!” The green one took out his almanac and flipped to the calendar.
“Simple, the month is... December?!” the green one answered.
“Things were always hot back at Thailand,” the red one reasoned. The green one shook his head and stared at the date, and then he noticed something. “Hey! John, James! It’s the twenty-fifth!”
“Of course, how could I have missed that?! It’s Christmas!” James said. John snorted. “In this heat?!” he asked. “I’m amazed we have the brainpower for anything at all!”
“...So, what do we do? It’s Christmas after all!” Steve said.
“We’re on a quest! We don’t have time to slow down when the whole Kingdom’s in danger!” James said. “Unless... Steve, what did you do for the holidays back in the forest?” Steve thought for a moment.
“Well, we only really had DTGDT Day, come to think of it.” Steve said.
“Whassat?” John asked.
“Decorate The Great Deku Tree Day,” Steve explained. This garnered a weird look from Malon, who sat in the back. “We’d put little lights, tinsel, popcorn strings, and a cotton beard on the Great Deku Tree, and then we’d sing Songs, and then we’d eat some fruit, which is really special because we rarely get to eat a lot of fruit over there..”
“What about that Koki fruit stuff?” James asked.
“Real Fruit!” Steve corrected. He chuckled a little to himself. “Oh that brings back Memories!”
Of course, this was all a Phantasmic Dream brought upon them by the powers of LoZ, but that’s a different story. In the dream, Steve remembers several happy years back in the Kokiri forest when Deku day (they weren’t very technical yet) had finally arrived. Every little Kokiri woke up early and start gathering or making Decorations. Sometimes contests were held for who could bring the most stylish decoration, of course back then nobody called it competition because Mido would always win. The Deku Tree didn’t particularly mind getting covered in tinsel every year, in fact he liked it, all the glamour reminded him of his younger days (which became the point of the holiday).
That year, Tinsel and Popcorn was the majority, but then Mido came in with a long Chain of colored glass that he wrapped around the Great Deku Tree thrice before he had run out. Everyone was impressed. Mido smiled vainly.
“You don’t see that Link-guy being this creative!” Mido said. It was rather obvious who was gonna win. But just then a lump of white fur crawled into the area.At first everyone didn’t know what to think, until someone cried out “Wolfos!!”
The Kokiri started screaming and running, but the Know-It-All Brothers leapt unto the ball of fur and started beating it. “Woah!” a voice called out. “Woah!!” The boys stepped back as Steve, of course everyone called him Link in this world, poked his head out of the white cloth. “It’s just me!” Steve said. “Not a wolfos!”
“What’s the difference!” Mido snarled.
“A Wolfos will eat you in your sleep!” Steve said.
“...Point!” Mido admitted quietly.
“What’d you make, Link?” Saria asked. Steve shrugged the long tarp off and held it up.
“It’s a beard for the tree, I made it myself!” He said proudly.
“You made a beard for the Tree who wants to relive his youth?!” One Kokiri asked.
“Yeah...?” Steve answered slowly.
“...You are such an Deku Nut!” Mido said in disgust.
“What? What?!” Steve wouldn’t get an answer.
“No no, it’s fine!” the Deku Tree boomed (he didn’t get hit in the head and get his accent yet). “It’s just like putting on a costume, and I liked costumes when I was younger! Go on, put it on! I wanna know how I look when I’m older! Hehehehehe!”
Link walked up to the Deku Tree, climbed up his Trunk, wrapped one rope here, and another on the other side (“Ooh, that tickles!), and then hung the rest under the deku tree’s chin. Link had given the Great Tree a large beard for the season. The Kokiri laughed with glee (except Mido of course), and so did the Deku Tree, until he sniffled. He began to sniff really hard.
“This doesn’t happen to be... C-Cotton, does it?” the Tree Boomed . The kids were a little confused. Link sheepishly nodded. The Tree Gasped. “Oh-No! Imma-a-allergicatooa... Allergicotoooa... Allergic to Cotton!” The kids gasped and stepped back as the Tree started to heave in deep breaths, implying the Kokiri to run and duck for cover.
“Ha... Ah... ACH-- *mmph!*” At the last moment the tree held it in, albeit forcing a few leaves off in the process. But just as the Kokiri let out a sigh of relief, something red appeared on the Deku’s face. Then another. Then another. Then another on his Nose! In no time, the Deku was covered in little red dots. The Kokiri were speechless (except Mido of course). But then the small dots started flashing, and the big red nose started Glowing. The two Know-It-All brothers carefully approached the Tree.
“Gee, sir, you’ve got a real Shiny nose.” One brother said. “Shiny? I’d even say it glows!” Said the other, and they both started laughing. Steve of course, felt pretty embarrassed, but he couldn’t help laughing too.
“Ooh! Wait!” Steve called. “Deku Tree, what’s your name?” he asked.
“Brittlebark!”
“Forget it! Hm...” Steve started to think hard and tap his foot. “Our Deku tree...” Steve began. “Had a very Shiny Nose, and if you ever saw it, you’d even say it glowed...” But then he froze at the booming voice of the Deku Tree. “Ge-yahahaha!!” Steve turned around and watched as the Deku Tree laughed so hard he nearly shook his leaves off. Then he started laughing too, and so did the other Kokiri (except Mido of course).
“Oh this is perfect!” The Deku Tree said. “In fact, let’s keep that poem but replace it with a Reindeer! The kids will love it!”
The Deku Tree was so pleased, he deemed that every on Deku Day celebration, he would wear this beard, and everyone was happy (except Mido of course).
James enjoyed the Story, while John gave a shrug.
“You invented Rudolph in this World?” John asked. Steve smiled proudly.
“Sure did! But the Tree got the credit for it...” he added.
“But didn’t he die?” James asked. Steve started to tear up.
“Now I’m sad!” he said with a whine. “But now I’m happy! But now I’m sad... But now I’m happy! But now I’m sad...”
“Enough!” John shouted. “James, how do the Goron’s celebrate Christmas?”
“Well...”
In Goron Culture, only when you’re past the age eight can you join them for their Green-Rock festival. The Gorons would go deep into Death Mountain and find the largest vein of Green Rock they could, and then carry it all the way back to the village. James of course wasn’t old enough to go yet, but he was old enough to join the rest of the celebrations. The strong Gorons carried their large find right into the center of town.
“I swear! That tunnel gets longer every year!” Brother Brittle said as he let go of the pillar.
“I swear this rock gets heavier every year!” Brother Crack moaned. James eagerly walked over with the other Gorons as they started to pull the pillar up. Of course, the pillar was reasonably big, so a couple Gorons (and one scrawny Hylian) couldn’t lift it up, so Uncle Biggoron reached down and gently erected the large piece of rock.
“Izzit up?” Biggoron called. The Gorons ran around every corner and carefully inspected the pillar.
“Yeah, we’re good!” A Goron called. “Now get the little guy up there!”
“Little guy?” James asked worriedly. Darunia laughed and patted James on the head. “Don’t worry! This honor goes to lil’ pebble! Look! He’s already up there!” Darunia pointed, and James followed, and there was a little Goron rested upon the Pillar.
“Pebble huh? How come I never see him?” James asked.
“A... he’s a pebble, B... he only comes up once a year for this celebration.”
When everyone said the pillar was done, Biggoron let go, and the pillar started to lean to one side. “No! Wait!” they all cried as they ran over to one end and started pushing it forward to keep it up, inadvertently pushing it the other direction. “N-nonononono! Left-left-left-left-left!!” Pebble screamed. “Pick it up!” Uncle Geek finally shouted. So Biggoron reached down, picked it up, and pulled it out of the city.
“Put it back!” Geek started shouting. “Put it back!!” A shadow formed under Geek and everyone ran away. “What?” *Boom!* Geek was replaced by the large pillar of Rock. Everyone was silent. A small Crack started to run up the pillar. Little Pebble felt a little push. He looked down and saw that Geek’s head had been pushed out at the top, right beneath him. “..Oh well. The Job’s yours!” Pebbles said as he hopped off.
“That’s a disgrace!” one Goron mumbled. Darunia slapped his knee.
“That’s a HOOT!” He said with a laugh. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!Though... really, I can’t really stand him looking at us like that...” Biggoron reached down and rotated Geek’s head. “Much better!” Darunia shouted.
“Why don’t we ask Biggoron to do all this every year?” One Goron asked.
Then came the Gemstones. Boxes of what would be precious gems were stabbed into the rock. One Goron was compelled to throw his share of gems into the rock, unfortunately it fell one of his brothers, and nearly shot James’ hat off.
“Watch it!” James called. “This is my first real Green Rock day! Let’s not make it my last!” He was shot at again.
After the rock was finally decorated (it was nightfall by then), the Gorons had a big feast in Darunia’s home.
“So what will we do tomorrow?” James asked.
“Tomorrow... On Green Rock day” Darunia said. “We get to throw the Rock into a Geyser!” Suddenly James’ anticipation died away, and he heard Geek scream outside.
***
The next day, all the Gorons marched up Death Mountain, and since Biggoron was sleeping for the day, Metaron was carrying the big pillar, with Geek still inside. James didn’t mind the long walk, but he couldn’t help but strike up some conversation.
“So... Darunia?” James asked. “Why do we celebrate Green Rock Day, anyway?” the Goron smiled.
“Well see here, a long time ago, our grandfathers and grandbrothers discovered a hot spring around the Death Mountain Crater. One day while they were bathing, a geyser from underneath the spring started to spurt, and it sent the headmaster flying all the way down the mountain. But His descent carved a long trench down the mountain, and that year, the lava flow overloaded, but if safely rolled down the trench our grandfather made. So we decided that every year we would get the town fool and stuff him in the geyser, just like the headmaster! But after a bit, we decided to stuff in a pillar of Green Rock (which was plentiful at the time) instead, but then we decided to combine the two.”
James took a moment to process the story, especially since he’d never heard the word ‘GrandBrother’ before.
So the Gorons found the hot spring, raised the pillar, and stuffed the pillar into a hole, Geek still protesting and screaming as loud as ever.
“Wait... why should we do this if there’s already a nice trench down one side of the mountain?” James asked.
“We’ve developed a fortune system!” Darunia said. “If it lands to the north or west, it’ll be a good year! But if lands south or east, then it’ll be a bad one.”
“But that doesn’t make sense!”
“Listen here, Kid! The headmaster made me do this and his Headmaster made him do this, and now I’m making You do it, is that understood?!”
“Yes, Gran Hermano...” James mumbled. The ground started to rumble. Geek looked fearfully down at the ground.
“It’s happening!!” he screamed. The Gorons stepped back and Held their ears. *Boom!!* the next moment, Geek and the pillar was gone. Everyone looked up, but couldn’t see him. But James did, perhaps a few seconds too late.
“Hessa comin’ For us!!” James screamed. The Gorons scattered like pebbles in a stream as the pillar came roaring down, but not before Brother Biggoron (who didn’t particularly like this part of the ceremony) woke up. He looked both ways, and then saw the pillar coming towards him.
“Waah!!...” *Ker-Koom!!* The dust cleared, and the Gorons regrouped. A scrawny figure raised itself in the dust cloud and started marching towards the crowd. The Gorons took a defensive stance, but it was none other than Geek, towing Biggoron’s motionless finger out of the crater. And what was stranger, Geek was smiling!
“That was AWESOME!” He shouted. “I never thought anything like that would be this fun! How about I do this every year?! And how about next time, I actually aim?!
“That was the last year we ever let anyone ride the pillar!” James said with a shudder. Steve was rather entertained.
“That ain’t nothing!” John said. James let out a nervous chuckle.
“Gee, didn’t mean to waste anyone’s time,” James said. “But fish boy here probably has a better fish tale than me. Go on, let’s let Marco Polo take the lead.” James said with much sarcasm.
“Look, your story was action-packed,” John said. “But it’s all about the delivery, it’s all about the plot, it’s all about the PUNCHline! It’s all...”
“You pulled a prank didn’t you?” the two asked.
“BOY did I EVER!”
Ruto carefully tiptoed out of her room and down into the king’s chamber (from which he never moved). It was nearly midday, and of course the blue clown would be down there, cracking jokes with the King (honorary jester he was).
“And then!” John said. “The school of fish said...”
“It’s Jabu-Jabu’s Birthday!” Ruto shouted as she jumped in. The king held his gut and burst out laughing.
“Geyahaha! Hehehe... Ah-ha!...” The king’s laughter began to die to down in a moment of realization. “Oh Dearie, you’re not serious, are you?” He asked.
“Of course!” Ruto said with glee. “Why would I kid about the spiritual day when you finally get off of that big throne?” she asked. “And what better day to spend a religious holiday than embarrassing the blue clown?” she added as she turned to John with a sinister Grin.
“Yes, I am amazed your other religious holidays haven’t picked up on that yet,” John said with a roll of his eyes. “So what’s it gonna be this time? Bass Caviar?”
“Of course not!” the king bellowed. “We be not cannibals! We will not waste our cousins! It’s gonna be a Salmon caviar!”
“What is it with you and Salmon?!” John asked.
“Long feuding story, actually,” King Zora said. “I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Is this the thing about the red paint?”
“I said I don’t wanna talk about it!!”
***
A few minutes later, the whole hall was busy, cutting and hacking at a very large dish. John sat next to Princess Ruto, chained head to toe, and he was being lead around by the princess.
“Gee, I must have missed this part last year,” John mumbled. “WHY AM I TIED UP?!”
“Because you’re the fool of the year!” Ruto responded.
“I’m already the Royal Jester!” John said. “I’m only entitled to clowning, bad jokes, bad singing, good singing, hysterical jokes, and the ever occasional pantsing. Chains aren’t part of the description!”
“See that’s the thing!” Ruto said. “Now you’re the yearly fool!”
“...Wait! Is this about that contract?” John asked. Ruto smiled. “You said that was a promotion!” John cried (he faked it, of course). Ruto cackled.
“I lied! And now You get one of the most embarrassing jobs of the year!” John thought hard for a moment.
“Is that to imply,” he began. “That I am to be embarrassed, or you are to be embarrassed, or that everyone present is going to get terribly embarrassed whether we like it or not?” Ruto had to think for a moment.
“All at once, I suppose.” she said. John smiled.
“I love this year already!”
***
All the Zoras were crowded outside at the Zora pond, hushed as they watched their sleeping guardian. John was still stuck with Ruto.
“So... why do we do this every year, anyway?” John asked. Ruto sighed.
“We just thought that it’d be nice to celebrate a dude’s birthday after all he’s done, and will do, for us, and especially since he has the very power to eat us where we stand.”
“Not a very happy holiday, is it?” John asked. He didn’t get an answer. Ruto looked everywhere throughout the crowd.
“Where is Dad?!” she whispered harshly. Everyone shrugged. John smiled. “I got you covered!”
“What? You don’t mean you got him to come out, do you?” Ruto asked. John nodded. “How?” John shrugged.
“Let’s just say it was easy as... heheh, Pie!” Sure enough, King Zora (very slowly!) shuffled into the room. Ruto as awestruck and took a step forward. “N-Nonono!” John shouted. “That’s the...” *Squish!* Ruto looked down and saw she had stepped into a pie tray.
“Sweetie!” King Zora moaned. “I was gonna eat that!” Ruto was too confused to think.
“I trailed pies from his throne room all the way out here!” John said proudly. Ruto twitched.
“But Daddy! You promised you’d come out on your own!” Ruto whined.
“Yeah well, he forced me!” The king said as he walked towards the giant fish. John smiled and nodded.
“Yep!” he said sarcastically. “I laid a pie on the throne, and said there’s more outside. Guards, take me away!” John said as he assumed a mocking submissive position. Two guards marched over. “It was a figure of speech!” John snapped. The guards backed down. “Anyway... what part do I have in this again?” John asked.
***
For once, John wished he didn’t ask (he faked it, of course). Since JabuJabu was so honkin’ huge, someone had to help the king up so he could give the fish its feast they had just prepared. And since the King is the one who gets to give it to the fish, nobody wanted the part. This year it was John.
He had lifted up a large tire before, a couch, and his own dad once. But this was like holding all of them at once... no wait, just the couch, if it was just the couch, it wasn’t that much of a problem. That’s what he kept telling himself.
John struggled and gasped as the king rested upon his shoulders. John’s knees knocked against each other as they trembled under the weight. And to make matters worse, the fish had a burp in its sleep, and belched right in John’s face. John coughed and gagged.
“Hey watch it!” the king called nervously. “If you lose it, we both go down!”
“Yeah, we both go down, but only one will live!” John called angrily as he started to lift the king up. The King was just in reach and started laying the food on top of the giant fish’s head.
“Whaddya doin’!” John asked.
“This is the only way he can eat without taking a nip out of us!” The King called.
“I don’t really think that!” John said. “I’m pretty sure he’s just a big fish that sleeps all day!”
“And I refuse to believe that!” The king said as he laid down the final pieces.
“And why’s that?!”
“‘Cause then we’ve been doing this all these years for nothing!”
Finally, the piece was done. Everyone cheered as the King was lowered from John’s aching back. JabuJabu’s eyes flickered open and everyone hushed to hear his words of praise from his followers.
“Wouldja keep it down!” the fish roared. “I’m trying to sleep! ...Oh look!” The fish started licking the top of its snout. “Is this Caviar?” it asked. Everyone nodded. Then Jabu took another piece and spit out a fish skeleton, scaring all the Zoras (which coincidentally landed right next to King Zora’s feet) and even their tiny fish-brains took this as a bad omen, and they all ran back to the throne room. Only John remained.
“You know, I can see why they think that if they don’t give you an offering every year, you’ll eat them.” John said.
“Yeah, I know, I always wake up on the wrong side of the pond, and then I yell, and then I spit out the skeleton, and then they all run away... and I never get a chance to thank ‘em!” the fish explained.
“Well, I think you can thank me!” John said. “I’m the one who practically lifted up the fish.”
“You’re the one who put the fish on my snout?” the great fish asked.
“No, I’m the one who lifted up the fish who put the dish on your snout.” John corrected. JabuJabu nodded. “So... do you have any orders for next year?” John asked. “I could make sure you get what you want next year!”
“You know what, that’ll be swell!” the fish said. “Make sure they give me more Caviar, all they ever give me is fish stix!”
The others listened on quietly as the story ended.
“Hey! Wait a moment!” James said. “I thought only Ruto could understand Jabu!”
“Oh she can too?” John asked. Steve was confused.
“Wait, you could understand Jabu the whole time we were in him?” Steve asked. John shrugged.
“Yeah.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”
“Don’t ask!” John snapped. “Just don’t ask!”
"Oh, and what prank did you pull?" Steve asked. John clapped his hand in realization.
"Oh, sorry. Zoras call anything offensive a prank, and I wasn't very cooperative on that day." Malon had listened to every one of their stories, and tried to put on a smile.
“Gee, those are some... interesting holidays!” She said. John shook his head.
“Yeah, but they’re nowhere near as good as Christmas.” John said.
“Christmas?” Malon asked.
“Christ-mas!” John enunciated. “As in Christ-Mass, as in Gathering for Christ!”
“Who’s Christ?”
“The Son of God, Jesus...?” John ventured.
“Don’t you mean Godesses?” Malon asked confusedly.
“Oh! I forgot we’re in Loz!” John said as he looked upwards. The others followed.
“To the audience!” John called. “To all a Merry Christmas!” they all called. “And to all a good...” the three looked around. “...Day.”
And so the Wagon carried on as usual. A lone Robed Figure watched in the distance.
“This day just keeps getting weirder!”
Note: This takes place after the horse race and was written to commemorate Christmas, but came a little late. Enjoy!
The sun was shining, baking the soft pasture dirt. The road was dry and cracked, and there wasn’t a soul in any direction for miles. Except one small wagon. A small wagon with a tarp over the back to keep off the heat and to spare the perishables from the heat, and because the the one person in the back threatened the others if action wasn’t taken. Three sat in the front. One was wearing a green tunic and white pants, the other wore a red one and grey pants, and the darker color made it more uncomfortable for him, and the other one wore a Blue and Black tunic, so it made sense why he’d hate the heat. The red one steered the horse, and the green one sat at one side, and the Blue one sat on the other, and he sweated from theheat, as a matter of fact, even for one raised by the Zoras, the sweat trailed all the way out the wagon, and the dripping noise was very audible, even over the Horse’s hoof beats. Finally the blue one’s patience was spent.
“Doggonit! How could it be so hot?!” he complained as he wrung out his shirt. “What time of the year is it, anyway?!” The green one took out his almanac and flipped to the calendar.
“Simple, the month is... December?!” the green one answered.
“Things were always hot back at Thailand,” the red one reasoned. The green one shook his head and stared at the date, and then he noticed something. “Hey! John, James! It’s the twenty-fifth!”
“Of course, how could I have missed that?! It’s Christmas!” James said. John snorted. “In this heat?!” he asked. “I’m amazed we have the brainpower for anything at all!”
“...So, what do we do? It’s Christmas after all!” Steve said.
“We’re on a quest! We don’t have time to slow down when the whole Kingdom’s in danger!” James said. “Unless... Steve, what did you do for the holidays back in the forest?” Steve thought for a moment.
“Well, we only really had DTGDT Day, come to think of it.” Steve said.
“Whassat?” John asked.
“Decorate The Great Deku Tree Day,” Steve explained. This garnered a weird look from Malon, who sat in the back. “We’d put little lights, tinsel, popcorn strings, and a cotton beard on the Great Deku Tree, and then we’d sing Songs, and then we’d eat some fruit, which is really special because we rarely get to eat a lot of fruit over there..”
“What about that Koki fruit stuff?” James asked.
“Real Fruit!” Steve corrected. He chuckled a little to himself. “Oh that brings back Memories!”
Of course, this was all a Phantasmic Dream brought upon them by the powers of LoZ, but that’s a different story. In the dream, Steve remembers several happy years back in the Kokiri forest when Deku day (they weren’t very technical yet) had finally arrived. Every little Kokiri woke up early and start gathering or making Decorations. Sometimes contests were held for who could bring the most stylish decoration, of course back then nobody called it competition because Mido would always win. The Deku Tree didn’t particularly mind getting covered in tinsel every year, in fact he liked it, all the glamour reminded him of his younger days (which became the point of the holiday).
That year, Tinsel and Popcorn was the majority, but then Mido came in with a long Chain of colored glass that he wrapped around the Great Deku Tree thrice before he had run out. Everyone was impressed. Mido smiled vainly.
“You don’t see that Link-guy being this creative!” Mido said. It was rather obvious who was gonna win. But just then a lump of white fur crawled into the area.At first everyone didn’t know what to think, until someone cried out “Wolfos!!”
The Kokiri started screaming and running, but the Know-It-All Brothers leapt unto the ball of fur and started beating it. “Woah!” a voice called out. “Woah!!” The boys stepped back as Steve, of course everyone called him Link in this world, poked his head out of the white cloth. “It’s just me!” Steve said. “Not a wolfos!”
“What’s the difference!” Mido snarled.
“A Wolfos will eat you in your sleep!” Steve said.
“...Point!” Mido admitted quietly.
“What’d you make, Link?” Saria asked. Steve shrugged the long tarp off and held it up.
“It’s a beard for the tree, I made it myself!” He said proudly.
“You made a beard for the Tree who wants to relive his youth?!” One Kokiri asked.
“Yeah...?” Steve answered slowly.
“...You are such an Deku Nut!” Mido said in disgust.
“What? What?!” Steve wouldn’t get an answer.
“No no, it’s fine!” the Deku Tree boomed (he didn’t get hit in the head and get his accent yet). “It’s just like putting on a costume, and I liked costumes when I was younger! Go on, put it on! I wanna know how I look when I’m older! Hehehehehe!”
Link walked up to the Deku Tree, climbed up his Trunk, wrapped one rope here, and another on the other side (“Ooh, that tickles!), and then hung the rest under the deku tree’s chin. Link had given the Great Tree a large beard for the season. The Kokiri laughed with glee (except Mido of course), and so did the Deku Tree, until he sniffled. He began to sniff really hard.
“This doesn’t happen to be... C-Cotton, does it?” the Tree Boomed . The kids were a little confused. Link sheepishly nodded. The Tree Gasped. “Oh-No! Imma-a-allergicatooa... Allergicotoooa... Allergic to Cotton!” The kids gasped and stepped back as the Tree started to heave in deep breaths, implying the Kokiri to run and duck for cover.
“Ha... Ah... ACH-- *mmph!*” At the last moment the tree held it in, albeit forcing a few leaves off in the process. But just as the Kokiri let out a sigh of relief, something red appeared on the Deku’s face. Then another. Then another. Then another on his Nose! In no time, the Deku was covered in little red dots. The Kokiri were speechless (except Mido of course). But then the small dots started flashing, and the big red nose started Glowing. The two Know-It-All brothers carefully approached the Tree.
“Gee, sir, you’ve got a real Shiny nose.” One brother said. “Shiny? I’d even say it glows!” Said the other, and they both started laughing. Steve of course, felt pretty embarrassed, but he couldn’t help laughing too.
“Ooh! Wait!” Steve called. “Deku Tree, what’s your name?” he asked.
“Brittlebark!”
“Forget it! Hm...” Steve started to think hard and tap his foot. “Our Deku tree...” Steve began. “Had a very Shiny Nose, and if you ever saw it, you’d even say it glowed...” But then he froze at the booming voice of the Deku Tree. “Ge-yahahaha!!” Steve turned around and watched as the Deku Tree laughed so hard he nearly shook his leaves off. Then he started laughing too, and so did the other Kokiri (except Mido of course).
“Oh this is perfect!” The Deku Tree said. “In fact, let’s keep that poem but replace it with a Reindeer! The kids will love it!”
The Deku Tree was so pleased, he deemed that every on Deku Day celebration, he would wear this beard, and everyone was happy (except Mido of course).
James enjoyed the Story, while John gave a shrug.
“You invented Rudolph in this World?” John asked. Steve smiled proudly.
“Sure did! But the Tree got the credit for it...” he added.
“But didn’t he die?” James asked. Steve started to tear up.
“Now I’m sad!” he said with a whine. “But now I’m happy! But now I’m sad... But now I’m happy! But now I’m sad...”
“Enough!” John shouted. “James, how do the Goron’s celebrate Christmas?”
“Well...”
In Goron Culture, only when you’re past the age eight can you join them for their Green-Rock festival. The Gorons would go deep into Death Mountain and find the largest vein of Green Rock they could, and then carry it all the way back to the village. James of course wasn’t old enough to go yet, but he was old enough to join the rest of the celebrations. The strong Gorons carried their large find right into the center of town.
“I swear! That tunnel gets longer every year!” Brother Brittle said as he let go of the pillar.
“I swear this rock gets heavier every year!” Brother Crack moaned. James eagerly walked over with the other Gorons as they started to pull the pillar up. Of course, the pillar was reasonably big, so a couple Gorons (and one scrawny Hylian) couldn’t lift it up, so Uncle Biggoron reached down and gently erected the large piece of rock.
“Izzit up?” Biggoron called. The Gorons ran around every corner and carefully inspected the pillar.
“Yeah, we’re good!” A Goron called. “Now get the little guy up there!”
“Little guy?” James asked worriedly. Darunia laughed and patted James on the head. “Don’t worry! This honor goes to lil’ pebble! Look! He’s already up there!” Darunia pointed, and James followed, and there was a little Goron rested upon the Pillar.
“Pebble huh? How come I never see him?” James asked.
“A... he’s a pebble, B... he only comes up once a year for this celebration.”
When everyone said the pillar was done, Biggoron let go, and the pillar started to lean to one side. “No! Wait!” they all cried as they ran over to one end and started pushing it forward to keep it up, inadvertently pushing it the other direction. “N-nonononono! Left-left-left-left-left!!” Pebble screamed. “Pick it up!” Uncle Geek finally shouted. So Biggoron reached down, picked it up, and pulled it out of the city.
“Put it back!” Geek started shouting. “Put it back!!” A shadow formed under Geek and everyone ran away. “What?” *Boom!* Geek was replaced by the large pillar of Rock. Everyone was silent. A small Crack started to run up the pillar. Little Pebble felt a little push. He looked down and saw that Geek’s head had been pushed out at the top, right beneath him. “..Oh well. The Job’s yours!” Pebbles said as he hopped off.
“That’s a disgrace!” one Goron mumbled. Darunia slapped his knee.
“That’s a HOOT!” He said with a laugh. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!Though... really, I can’t really stand him looking at us like that...” Biggoron reached down and rotated Geek’s head. “Much better!” Darunia shouted.
“Why don’t we ask Biggoron to do all this every year?” One Goron asked.
Then came the Gemstones. Boxes of what would be precious gems were stabbed into the rock. One Goron was compelled to throw his share of gems into the rock, unfortunately it fell one of his brothers, and nearly shot James’ hat off.
“Watch it!” James called. “This is my first real Green Rock day! Let’s not make it my last!” He was shot at again.
After the rock was finally decorated (it was nightfall by then), the Gorons had a big feast in Darunia’s home.
“So what will we do tomorrow?” James asked.
“Tomorrow... On Green Rock day” Darunia said. “We get to throw the Rock into a Geyser!” Suddenly James’ anticipation died away, and he heard Geek scream outside.
***
The next day, all the Gorons marched up Death Mountain, and since Biggoron was sleeping for the day, Metaron was carrying the big pillar, with Geek still inside. James didn’t mind the long walk, but he couldn’t help but strike up some conversation.
“So... Darunia?” James asked. “Why do we celebrate Green Rock Day, anyway?” the Goron smiled.
“Well see here, a long time ago, our grandfathers and grandbrothers discovered a hot spring around the Death Mountain Crater. One day while they were bathing, a geyser from underneath the spring started to spurt, and it sent the headmaster flying all the way down the mountain. But His descent carved a long trench down the mountain, and that year, the lava flow overloaded, but if safely rolled down the trench our grandfather made. So we decided that every year we would get the town fool and stuff him in the geyser, just like the headmaster! But after a bit, we decided to stuff in a pillar of Green Rock (which was plentiful at the time) instead, but then we decided to combine the two.”
James took a moment to process the story, especially since he’d never heard the word ‘GrandBrother’ before.
So the Gorons found the hot spring, raised the pillar, and stuffed the pillar into a hole, Geek still protesting and screaming as loud as ever.
“Wait... why should we do this if there’s already a nice trench down one side of the mountain?” James asked.
“We’ve developed a fortune system!” Darunia said. “If it lands to the north or west, it’ll be a good year! But if lands south or east, then it’ll be a bad one.”
“But that doesn’t make sense!”
“Listen here, Kid! The headmaster made me do this and his Headmaster made him do this, and now I’m making You do it, is that understood?!”
“Yes, Gran Hermano...” James mumbled. The ground started to rumble. Geek looked fearfully down at the ground.
“It’s happening!!” he screamed. The Gorons stepped back and Held their ears. *Boom!!* the next moment, Geek and the pillar was gone. Everyone looked up, but couldn’t see him. But James did, perhaps a few seconds too late.
“Hessa comin’ For us!!” James screamed. The Gorons scattered like pebbles in a stream as the pillar came roaring down, but not before Brother Biggoron (who didn’t particularly like this part of the ceremony) woke up. He looked both ways, and then saw the pillar coming towards him.
“Waah!!...” *Ker-Koom!!* The dust cleared, and the Gorons regrouped. A scrawny figure raised itself in the dust cloud and started marching towards the crowd. The Gorons took a defensive stance, but it was none other than Geek, towing Biggoron’s motionless finger out of the crater. And what was stranger, Geek was smiling!
“That was AWESOME!” He shouted. “I never thought anything like that would be this fun! How about I do this every year?! And how about next time, I actually aim?!
“That was the last year we ever let anyone ride the pillar!” James said with a shudder. Steve was rather entertained.
“That ain’t nothing!” John said. James let out a nervous chuckle.
“Gee, didn’t mean to waste anyone’s time,” James said. “But fish boy here probably has a better fish tale than me. Go on, let’s let Marco Polo take the lead.” James said with much sarcasm.
“Look, your story was action-packed,” John said. “But it’s all about the delivery, it’s all about the plot, it’s all about the PUNCHline! It’s all...”
“You pulled a prank didn’t you?” the two asked.
“BOY did I EVER!”
Ruto carefully tiptoed out of her room and down into the king’s chamber (from which he never moved). It was nearly midday, and of course the blue clown would be down there, cracking jokes with the King (honorary jester he was).
“And then!” John said. “The school of fish said...”
“It’s Jabu-Jabu’s Birthday!” Ruto shouted as she jumped in. The king held his gut and burst out laughing.
“Geyahaha! Hehehe... Ah-ha!...” The king’s laughter began to die to down in a moment of realization. “Oh Dearie, you’re not serious, are you?” He asked.
“Of course!” Ruto said with glee. “Why would I kid about the spiritual day when you finally get off of that big throne?” she asked. “And what better day to spend a religious holiday than embarrassing the blue clown?” she added as she turned to John with a sinister Grin.
“Yes, I am amazed your other religious holidays haven’t picked up on that yet,” John said with a roll of his eyes. “So what’s it gonna be this time? Bass Caviar?”
“Of course not!” the king bellowed. “We be not cannibals! We will not waste our cousins! It’s gonna be a Salmon caviar!”
“What is it with you and Salmon?!” John asked.
“Long feuding story, actually,” King Zora said. “I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Is this the thing about the red paint?”
“I said I don’t wanna talk about it!!”
***
A few minutes later, the whole hall was busy, cutting and hacking at a very large dish. John sat next to Princess Ruto, chained head to toe, and he was being lead around by the princess.
“Gee, I must have missed this part last year,” John mumbled. “WHY AM I TIED UP?!”
“Because you’re the fool of the year!” Ruto responded.
“I’m already the Royal Jester!” John said. “I’m only entitled to clowning, bad jokes, bad singing, good singing, hysterical jokes, and the ever occasional pantsing. Chains aren’t part of the description!”
“See that’s the thing!” Ruto said. “Now you’re the yearly fool!”
“...Wait! Is this about that contract?” John asked. Ruto smiled. “You said that was a promotion!” John cried (he faked it, of course). Ruto cackled.
“I lied! And now You get one of the most embarrassing jobs of the year!” John thought hard for a moment.
“Is that to imply,” he began. “That I am to be embarrassed, or you are to be embarrassed, or that everyone present is going to get terribly embarrassed whether we like it or not?” Ruto had to think for a moment.
“All at once, I suppose.” she said. John smiled.
“I love this year already!”
***
All the Zoras were crowded outside at the Zora pond, hushed as they watched their sleeping guardian. John was still stuck with Ruto.
“So... why do we do this every year, anyway?” John asked. Ruto sighed.
“We just thought that it’d be nice to celebrate a dude’s birthday after all he’s done, and will do, for us, and especially since he has the very power to eat us where we stand.”
“Not a very happy holiday, is it?” John asked. He didn’t get an answer. Ruto looked everywhere throughout the crowd.
“Where is Dad?!” she whispered harshly. Everyone shrugged. John smiled. “I got you covered!”
“What? You don’t mean you got him to come out, do you?” Ruto asked. John nodded. “How?” John shrugged.
“Let’s just say it was easy as... heheh, Pie!” Sure enough, King Zora (very slowly!) shuffled into the room. Ruto as awestruck and took a step forward. “N-Nonono!” John shouted. “That’s the...” *Squish!* Ruto looked down and saw she had stepped into a pie tray.
“Sweetie!” King Zora moaned. “I was gonna eat that!” Ruto was too confused to think.
“I trailed pies from his throne room all the way out here!” John said proudly. Ruto twitched.
“But Daddy! You promised you’d come out on your own!” Ruto whined.
“Yeah well, he forced me!” The king said as he walked towards the giant fish. John smiled and nodded.
“Yep!” he said sarcastically. “I laid a pie on the throne, and said there’s more outside. Guards, take me away!” John said as he assumed a mocking submissive position. Two guards marched over. “It was a figure of speech!” John snapped. The guards backed down. “Anyway... what part do I have in this again?” John asked.
***
For once, John wished he didn’t ask (he faked it, of course). Since JabuJabu was so honkin’ huge, someone had to help the king up so he could give the fish its feast they had just prepared. And since the King is the one who gets to give it to the fish, nobody wanted the part. This year it was John.
He had lifted up a large tire before, a couch, and his own dad once. But this was like holding all of them at once... no wait, just the couch, if it was just the couch, it wasn’t that much of a problem. That’s what he kept telling himself.
John struggled and gasped as the king rested upon his shoulders. John’s knees knocked against each other as they trembled under the weight. And to make matters worse, the fish had a burp in its sleep, and belched right in John’s face. John coughed and gagged.
“Hey watch it!” the king called nervously. “If you lose it, we both go down!”
“Yeah, we both go down, but only one will live!” John called angrily as he started to lift the king up. The King was just in reach and started laying the food on top of the giant fish’s head.
“Whaddya doin’!” John asked.
“This is the only way he can eat without taking a nip out of us!” The King called.
“I don’t really think that!” John said. “I’m pretty sure he’s just a big fish that sleeps all day!”
“And I refuse to believe that!” The king said as he laid down the final pieces.
“And why’s that?!”
“‘Cause then we’ve been doing this all these years for nothing!”
Finally, the piece was done. Everyone cheered as the King was lowered from John’s aching back. JabuJabu’s eyes flickered open and everyone hushed to hear his words of praise from his followers.
“Wouldja keep it down!” the fish roared. “I’m trying to sleep! ...Oh look!” The fish started licking the top of its snout. “Is this Caviar?” it asked. Everyone nodded. Then Jabu took another piece and spit out a fish skeleton, scaring all the Zoras (which coincidentally landed right next to King Zora’s feet) and even their tiny fish-brains took this as a bad omen, and they all ran back to the throne room. Only John remained.
“You know, I can see why they think that if they don’t give you an offering every year, you’ll eat them.” John said.
“Yeah, I know, I always wake up on the wrong side of the pond, and then I yell, and then I spit out the skeleton, and then they all run away... and I never get a chance to thank ‘em!” the fish explained.
“Well, I think you can thank me!” John said. “I’m the one who practically lifted up the fish.”
“You’re the one who put the fish on my snout?” the great fish asked.
“No, I’m the one who lifted up the fish who put the dish on your snout.” John corrected. JabuJabu nodded. “So... do you have any orders for next year?” John asked. “I could make sure you get what you want next year!”
“You know what, that’ll be swell!” the fish said. “Make sure they give me more Caviar, all they ever give me is fish stix!”
The others listened on quietly as the story ended.
“Hey! Wait a moment!” James said. “I thought only Ruto could understand Jabu!”
“Oh she can too?” John asked. Steve was confused.
“Wait, you could understand Jabu the whole time we were in him?” Steve asked. John shrugged.
“Yeah.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”
“Don’t ask!” John snapped. “Just don’t ask!”
"Oh, and what prank did you pull?" Steve asked. John clapped his hand in realization.
"Oh, sorry. Zoras call anything offensive a prank, and I wasn't very cooperative on that day." Malon had listened to every one of their stories, and tried to put on a smile.
“Gee, those are some... interesting holidays!” She said. John shook his head.
“Yeah, but they’re nowhere near as good as Christmas.” John said.
“Christmas?” Malon asked.
“Christ-mas!” John enunciated. “As in Christ-Mass, as in Gathering for Christ!”
“Who’s Christ?”
“The Son of God, Jesus...?” John ventured.
“Don’t you mean Godesses?” Malon asked confusedly.
“Oh! I forgot we’re in Loz!” John said as he looked upwards. The others followed.
“To the audience!” John called. “To all a Merry Christmas!” they all called. “And to all a good...” the three looked around. “...Day.”
And so the Wagon carried on as usual. A lone Robed Figure watched in the distance.
“This day just keeps getting weirder!”
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Location
- Ordon Village
BEST TING EVAAAR! CANT WAIT TILL NEXT CHAPTER!
**Hey look! An Update! Happy holidays, everyone!!**
Chpt 22: Horse Races, Hostages, and the Entrance to the Forest
James had come to an important conclusion about the world while he was in Hyrule, heck while he was in the real world every other day. Some people are ridiculous. Some would throw away logic to prove their point, some would risk the truth for their reputation, and some would rather have laws passed rather than sitting down and talking with their kids.
Ingo, he decided, was one of these individuals. He had no respect for Talon, though sometimes he didn’t blame him for it. Talon would loaf around more than work, but he made up for it in different ways. Ingo would curse the owner behind his back, and occasionally would do a bad job to make the ranch lose money, rather than swallowing his pride and talking the owner in person.
Ingo had no hesitation when he declared the Ranch for Ganondorf’s new rule, and he had no hesitation for turning the owner in when he started giving ‘unauthorized support’ to Kakariko, and that in turn made Ingo the new head of the Ranch, in exchange for his own morale. Needless to say Ingo was not popular at Kakariko, which is why James was usually sent in his stead, sometimes for business trips.
And alas, here Ingo was, more willing to run a shoddy horse race over the ownership of a single horse than to simply give the payment that was four years coming. It wasn’t the payment James wanted so much as avoiding this silly conflict with either side sparing some rupees.
Then again, he thought to himself, this is pretty much the only reasonable compromise given the fact that Steve won’t be the one gambling over a Horse Race... James just noticed how conveniently the story would shift given their different roles. He also noticed how significantly less funny the story became when he was left alone with his thoughts.
James turned to his side to look at John as he mounted Epona. “Bro, am I a brooder?” he asked. John tilted his head and raised his eyebrow (in uncanny visual homage to Tim Allen) as he thought for a moment, and then shook it.
“No, no. You’re not a brooder. You just...” John shrugged. “Think deeply about things. Like in the guy in the Dusk’R Logbook from the Kakariko story post last month.”
“...I wrote that story.”
“... Well then that explains it.”
The three brothers and Malon waited right outside the racetrack as Ingo went to fetch his competitor horse. The three fairies fluttered around impatiently. Malon rested her arms, still a bit drowsy from waking up earlier than usual. It was barely six.
“Why a horse race? Why can’t the goat just pay you the bills already?” she asked drowsily.
“Because then James would inherit the ranch,” John said with a snicker.
“Oh please, like you keep count!” James said as he made himself comfortable.
“And I suppose you do?” John asked. James didn’t answer.
Ten minutes passed. Terry breathed impatiently. “If he ain’t here in another five minutes, let’s call it a no-show and get the heck out of here! I don’t like the way he looks at you when you use Epona.” James shrugged.
“Let’s wait till he actually gets here before we jump the gun,” James said with a yawn.
“Something tells me by the time he arrives, the gun will already be loaded and shot!” Steve added, eating out of a bag. James sighed, but then took extra notice at the bag Steve had.
“...Why are you eating Horse Meal?” he asked. Steve had to stop and think.
“That’s a good question.” He said before taking another handful.
Another five minutes passed. James was convinced that if they waited any longer one of them would fall asleep before they hit the road. James started Epona towards the gate.
“That’s it, Ingo!” James called. “If you don’t show yourself, I get the horse hands down!” No answer. James growled. “That’s it guys, we’re leaving!” Just as the others started in James’ direction, the ground started to rumble. The posts of the ranch started to shake. Everyone gripped onto a fence as a black streak rushed to meet them. The black thunder ceased just as it looked it would run the party over. There stood Ingo, in his considerably funny-looking Shakespearean outfit, riding a large, muscle bound, black horse of terror. The Horse’s eyes were red, it’s snort like steam, and the hooves seemed to strike sparks as it pawed at the cobblestone like a flint.
“Now, I’m sure y’all remember lil’ Black-Star here, right?” Ingo asked. Steve gulped. When Malon had arranged to let them take a horse, she had a role-call for all the the ranch’s horses, and Black-Star was one of them. He distinctly remembered Malon disregarding him for being too ‘Evil.’ And now he knew why, though the horse back at the ranch seven years ago hadn’t entered its prime yet, the horse already looked conceited and powerful, and now that had increased sevenfold. James snorted.
“Of course I remember!” he said. “Only a horse so vain would let the likes of you pull his rein!” James just noticed he had struck an unintended poem, and so did Malon, who cracked a smile (ugh). So did John and Steve, who scoffed. And so did Ingo, who wasn’t happy. Ingo pointed a gloved finger at the Red Tunic.
“Don’t you use your writer’s savvy on me, farmboy!”He hissed. “What swoons them over at Kakariko won’t work on me!” Steve blinked a few times as if the quote spoken was a false picture in front of him.
“Wait, he can make girls swoon?” he asked.
“It’s his Dream, too.” John remarked.
The two horses marched up the starting line. Terry fluttered nervously around James. “Erh... now look, don’t go in over your head, Epona’s fast alright, but she’s never been in a professional race before and...” James waved the words away.
“Relax, if she can outrun a Big Poe, she can outrun Ingo.” Terry wasn’t the only one warning James.
“I know your brother’s mission or whatever depends on us getting to the forest and all, but try not to push her, alright?” she asked.
“Like you don’t?” James asked. Malon rolled her eyes. “I seem to recall someone shouting at the top of her lungs one time when Epona went rodeo out on the road, don’t you?”
“We were on easy terrain...” Malon mumbled.
“We were on our way to the Gerudo Desert!” James added. Malon gave him a look that near-changed his perplexion. “Epona will be fine, trust me! Besides, either way we’ll win.”
“How?”
“A special reason.”
“You’re not gonna bring up that dream stuff again, are you?”
“Well...”
“It’s gonna take more than a dream to beat Black-Star!” Ingo broke in as his horse practically tore himself a path to the line. James ignored him and looked back at Malon.
“With tights-man here? I’ll barely work her past a few carrots!” he said
“...I can hear you!” Ingo called.
“That lazy clown-collar will catch enough downdraft to get us an edge!” Ingo wouldn’t let that one slide.
“I’m not just the guy with the Clown-collar, I’m your boss!” James ignored him.
Steve stood in front of Epona. “...Dunno if I can still talk to you or if you can still hear me, but uh... I haven’t been around too long but... try and listen to James this time, alright?”
“Don’t I always?” Steve froze, but smiled. Talking to her never got old.
“What about that crash from yesterday? Were you listening then?”
“He-e-e-e-eads up! Residents of Lon-Lon Ranch!” Terry called in his big booming voice. “We are here for our first (and hopefully last) internal horse-race competition! To our left, we have trusty Lil’ Red with Filly prodigy Epona!” There weren’t enough people to make a satisfying cheer. Epona reared back on her legs and whinnied. James looked calm, but his hands were glued to the reins and his face was pale from the shock of the sudden movement.
“And to our R-r-r-right!” Terry continued. “Big, dark and evil, the both of them! Sir Ingo and his trusty Steed Black-Star! Half a Goron’s weight of unbound stallion genes, maybe with a bull somewhere in the mix!” There weren’t enough people to make a satisfying boo, but Ingo didn’t care. He just straightened his collar.
“My money’s on the big one,” John whispered to Steve, loud enough for James to hear.
“ON-YOUR-MARKS!” Terry shouted. The horses marched up to the line. “Get-SET!” The horses planted their hooves -- “Hey! Did I say move yet?! I don’t think so!!” Terry called. The two horses looked at each other in confusion. “Well forget it! GO!!” The two Horses had a start before rearing back and charging forward.
Barely a minute had passed before James finished the first lap. Epona was galloping at full speed, barely breaking a sweat, while Black-Star -even in the cool light of dawn- was dripping with respiration. John and Steve boredly watched.
“...Yawn! Must be funner when you’re watching the game!” John sighed.
“Was funner when you actually play the game!” Steve corrected.
Black-Star and Epona were neck-in-neck, and the two riders were close enough to speak over the wind..
“With all due respect, Mr.Ingo, this embarrassing defeat could be avoided if you simply paid your debt,” James called. “I would be satisfied if you just let me keep the horse!” Ingo snorted. “You are NOT winning this Race, and you are NOT getting that horse!” He shouted as he forced Black-Star into full gallop.
“Aww, Mr Ingo, that’s a shame!” James called.
“Yeah?! Why?!” Ingo barked. James jabbed Epona in the side. Epona reared back and dashed right into the finish line. Ingo and Black-Star slowly lowered their gallop to a trot. James smiled, had Epona rear back and looked back at Ingo.
“‘Cause I just won your game!” James called back. Another rhyme, and this time he intended it.
“Neeeeoooowowuul...fh!!” Ingo screamed as he writhed around with his spine and held his head. John narrowed his eyes and blinked, but no, it was no illusion, Ingo’s spine was moving.
“Is his spine naturally telescopic?” John asked. The others shrugged or shook their heads. Ingo gripped at his hair and stomped his feet.
“NO!” He moaned. “No-nononono-NO-NO!” The others tried to look away, but they couldn’t.
“Talk to him already!” John whispered to James. “He’s starting to look like Gollum!” James sighed and walked up to his landlord.
“Mr Ingo, I’d like the horse’s ownership, please,” James said. Ingo looked up at James with bloodshot eyes and gave him a start. “Mr. Ingo... *Er-hem!* Mr. Ingo, I am willing to accept the horse as payment. You don’t have to pay me any money. I can help you raise a new horse to take Epona’s place if you’d be willing.” Ingo’s unblinking glare burned holes into James’ eyes (whether it was literal or not is up to you). He held firm and crossed his arms. “Or you can just pay me and I’ll buy the horse!” Ingo turned away and growled. James frowned.
“That horse... is the king’s…” Ingo growled.
“He sold it behind your back?!” Steve cried. He was jabbed by John.
“That horse... was to be given to Ganondorf!” Ingo said again, this time turning to face the party. “The King said if he were given a new steed... he’d give the owner a handsome reward!”
“What? Did the last one get sat on at the wrong angle or something --- ow!” Steve was jabbed again. Ingo pointed a finger.
“I intend to take the prize! I intend to give the horse to our new king! And I’m not going to let some book-wise fool and his city-slickin’ brothers take this horse from me!”
“But you forget that you are the one who got yourself into this mess...” John added as he approached the two. “You agreed to gamble on the horse. Therefore, if you knew what was good for you, you’d let me and my brothers leave with the horse.” Ingo’s moustache started to twitch in different directions that weren’t thought previously possible. “These are real swords we’re carrying! We don’t just carry them to pick our teeth with, you know!”
“You don’t?” Navi asked. Everyone looked at her. “I’ve seen things...” that was all she said. Ingo was only slightly perplexed. He turned to James.
“One more race...” He grumbled. “One more race... and then you can have the horse...”
“Is dis Dude for real?” Terry groaned. “Don’t humor him! Take the Equine and let’s blow this joint!”
“No, no.” James said. “I want to beat him like this.”
“--WHAT?!!--” The unison of everyone’s voices was spot-on. “Isn’t this the guy who chickened out at confrontation before?” Steve asked.
“That was seven years ago...” Terry mumbled. James held out his hand to shake.
“I win, one more time, and I keep the horse. Do we agree?” He asked. Ingo glared daggers at him. He shook the hand.
James got back on to Epona and led her back to the track. John quickly ran to James’ side. “Y’know, you essentially risk us getting to the forest on time by doing this, right?” James smiled.
“Relax, bro. I got this all under control.”
“How?”
“This is a dream.”
“Aaand...?”
“How do you think I won the last race? It wasn’t just Epona, you know!”
“You manipulated the very Game physics that cause that [here John pointed at another floating banana in the horizon], the very physics that you yell at me for using, to win a horse race?”
“Yep.”
“If you lose, I’m going to use the banana to win the race...” John muttered, more to himself. James trotted off with Epona. Steve ran over to John and saw that his eldest brother was shedding a tear.
“Dare I ask?”
“He’s learning!” John sniffled.
[Now then, we could get into the details of the epic race, but let’s spare Ingo the humiliation and cut to the chase. #AuthorLaziness #AnotherRhyme!]
Once more Ingo cried out, and once more his spine telescoped like some kind of accordion as he flailed. Everyone still gawked, but James had had enough.
“I’m not even gonna bother with this one! I am taking this horse with me and my comrades and we are leaving this ranch!” James took Epona’s bridle and gently led her towards the gate. The others started to follow.
“No.” Everyone stopped, except James.
“Not botherin’!” James called.
“Noo!” James had a start to find Ingo directly in front of him, blocking the gate, marching towards him. His eyes were wide open. Black streaks bordered the bottoms of his eyes. As he closed in on the group, even Epona, step for step, fearfully backed away. He started to giggle. He wagged a finger at the group. “Hehehe… I said I’d let you keep the horse… I didn’t say I’d let you leave!” The party all exchanged glances. “You’re not leaving this ranch!” Ingo added.
“Um… I’m pretty sure we are,” Steve said. The group murmured in approval. “Now… If you’d step to the side, we’ve gotta beeline for the forest before it gets dark!”
“The bro’s right,” James said. “Now, unless you want a trampled foot I suggest you move to the side.” James pushed Epona forward. Ingo didn’t move. “I’m serious!” Ingo didn’t move. Long pause.
“Aren’t you gonna trample him?!” Steve called. James bit his lip. “...Wait! You were bluffing?!”
John stepped out of the group and walked up to Ingo to face him in the eye.
“You’re not leaving this ranch!” Ingo repeated.
“And I say to you sir…” John said as he straightened out his tunic. “Who is keeping us? Do you intend to keep the master Trickster and his comrades within your own walls? I daresay by the goddess’ names there is no way you could possibly keep us here!”
***
The group was being kept there. They were all tied up inside the horse-pen, tied to the inner gate, while Ingo sat outside, dangling the key in his finger.
“...Wha… Wait! How did this happen?!” John cried. Ingo shrugged.
“Paragraph change. It’s beyond me.” Ingo said as he walked away whistling. John was wide-eyed. He frantically looked around. Everyone else had their two wrists tied to the fence post in front of them… all except for Sheik, who was nowhere to be found.
“T-This isn’t happening!” he called. “The Master Trickster can not be bound by your simpleton ways! I am no one’s prisoner!”
“John!!” James snapped. “We’re his prisoners! Deal with it!” John stared blankly at his brother. He then proceeded to gnaw at his bonds. James rolled his eyes and shook his head. “John…”
“Gyaaaah!” John wailed as he threw his face into the air.
“John! It’s alright! Calm down already!”
“No… I bit my wrist!” John whimpered. A collective sigh sounded among the comrades.
“Where’s Sheik when you need him…?” James groaned as he wriggled in his bonds. “I didn’t know Ingo was so good at knots… How do we get outta this?”
“Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!” Steve said eagerly as he hopped up and down.
“What?!” Everyone shouted.
***
Every bond lay undone on the ground beneath them. Even Epona was unbridled.
“What the wazzit…?”
“Paragraph change!” Steve said with a playful shrug. “Beyond me. Now then…” Steve patted off his hands and examined their surroundings. “How the heck do we get out?”
A shadow streaked past them. They all jerked around to Sheik a few feet to the side, carrying a knife. “My comrades! I’m here to set…” Sheik turned and looked at all the undone bonds. “You free… Din-dangit!” Sheik threw the blade to the ground and angrily stomped on it; which was a mistake. Sheik pulled up his foot and held unto it, suppressing a quiet squeak. Everyone winced.
“We didn’t mean to beat you to it…” Steve said. “Here! I’ll tie myself up again and you can cut me loose.” Sheik angrily waved his hand.
“Forget it! You can get out of here with your… dreamy… paragraph sorcery all on your own! I’ll be over here… throbbing… in a completely non-wimpy way...” And with that, Sheik hobbled away. Everyone exchanged glances.
“Well you can’t say he never put his foot into it,” John said. Everyone gave him a look. “Yeah, sorry folks. Bad taste. Now then… where’s the gate?”
“O’er there, come on!” James said with a wave of his arm. The dual-doored gate was only about seven feet tall from where they stood, but with every couple paces it seemed to grow. By the time they stood in front of it, it appeared several stories tall. The group had to arch their backs just to look up at the lock. “...I’ve heard of panoramic rendering… I didn’t think the N64 could handle something like this...” James looked at John, who looked slightly less bewildered. James wagged an angry finger.
“This is what I mean when we mess with Dream Physics! It’s come back to repay us in the form of this twenty foot wall!” John just shrugged and started bobbing his head. “You aren’t going to do anything about it?!”
“I’m thinking, I’m thinking!” John didn’t appear to do anything. James twitched his nose.
“...I’m taking matters into my own hands! John, give me your rapier!” John complied without a complaint. James strapped his own scabbard to his back (apparently Ingo hadn’t stripped them of their equipment mid-paragraph change), carefully gripped John’s sword with his mouth, and scurried up the tall gate. John looked up and watched his brother scurry up to the lock, lodge his legs into gaps on each half of the gate so that he could rest comfortably, ready the two swords, and started picking at the lock. The soft, rhythmic clicking echoed across the farm. Nobody came.
Steve looked up at James. “Hey! There’s no lock picking in Zelda. Wrong game!”
“Don’t care...” James called back as he broke through the first half of the mechanism. John thoughtfully stroked his chin.
“Er… James’ you’re in a rather bad position to try and open a dual-doored gate!”
“Cannit!”
Malon fearfully clenched her hands together. “H-he may have a point,” she said. “What happens when it opens?” The clicking stopped.
“I got it!”
“We watch, that’s what.” John settled down and smiled again.
“Open it up, will ya?” James called. John looked back at Malon.
“I feel like I should tell him… nah.” John walked over and gave the gate doors a good bash. The doors parted, swinging to the side, with James’ legs still caught on either side. Malon covered her eyes and looked away. Crrrraaaack. John waited until the doors stopped moving. They stopped mid-way. He nervously chuckled to himself. “Well, that could’ve… oh well. He got what he wanted. Ninja-boy? Feeling better?” Sheik approached, carefully stepping with his heel on the injured foot.
“I’ll do fine… what do you want?” John gestured up at the broken figure stuck in the gate.
“You and Steve bring him down. Me and Malon will come up with a plan.” No questions were asked. Steve and Sheik immediately started climbing. John took Malon on the shoulder. “Now, you see Malon, you never, ever, wanna have your legs on different sides of a moving door. When you’re unlucky enough to do such a thing…” John pointed behind him as Sheik and Steve carefully carried James down from his perch, legs at 180 degrees, and frozen like an ailing ballet dancer mid-pose. “...That happens.” Malon clasped her hands around her mouth as she watched James get carried away. “Now then, since James, our lead strategist, is out of commission, we need to come up with a plan.” Malon nodded.
“Judging on how Ingo didn’t react to the lock being picked or the awful crunching sound that followed, he’s either asleep or drunk. Let’s go with asleep. He is a very sound sleeper. Probably thought we’d never get out. He should be dozed enough for us to sneak into the house, ransack some provisions, maybe some stuff we’ll want to have around for the trip into the forest, and most of all, the key to the main gate. James should recover quickly enough, in the meantime, you and Steve will go inside and grab what we need, Sheik will see to James, and I’ll handle Ingo. He probably has the key. And if he don’t, then I’ll make sure he’s not conscious enough to cause trouble.”
Malon nodded again, and paused in thought. “...Why did I need to hear all that?”
“I needed a second opinion, otherwise James would never agree when he came to.” John looked over to the others. “How’s he doing?!” he called. James leaned against the railing, with one leg finally in its proper position, pushing down on his other leg that still remained at a disturbing 180.
“Geeeeeyaaaaa… [craaaack]...OOOH!” James took a moment to recover, quietly squeaking to himself.
“You alright…?” Steve asked.
“I’ll be fine…” James mumbled, voice at an usually high pitch.
“Good. Then we’ll go inside the house with John’s plan, and you wait here.”
“Wah? John’s plan?” The others left. James stood there for a moment, and then carefully (and stiffly) walked towards the shed.
Chpt 22: Horse Races, Hostages, and the Entrance to the Forest
James had come to an important conclusion about the world while he was in Hyrule, heck while he was in the real world every other day. Some people are ridiculous. Some would throw away logic to prove their point, some would risk the truth for their reputation, and some would rather have laws passed rather than sitting down and talking with their kids.
Ingo, he decided, was one of these individuals. He had no respect for Talon, though sometimes he didn’t blame him for it. Talon would loaf around more than work, but he made up for it in different ways. Ingo would curse the owner behind his back, and occasionally would do a bad job to make the ranch lose money, rather than swallowing his pride and talking the owner in person.
Ingo had no hesitation when he declared the Ranch for Ganondorf’s new rule, and he had no hesitation for turning the owner in when he started giving ‘unauthorized support’ to Kakariko, and that in turn made Ingo the new head of the Ranch, in exchange for his own morale. Needless to say Ingo was not popular at Kakariko, which is why James was usually sent in his stead, sometimes for business trips.
And alas, here Ingo was, more willing to run a shoddy horse race over the ownership of a single horse than to simply give the payment that was four years coming. It wasn’t the payment James wanted so much as avoiding this silly conflict with either side sparing some rupees.
Then again, he thought to himself, this is pretty much the only reasonable compromise given the fact that Steve won’t be the one gambling over a Horse Race... James just noticed how conveniently the story would shift given their different roles. He also noticed how significantly less funny the story became when he was left alone with his thoughts.
James turned to his side to look at John as he mounted Epona. “Bro, am I a brooder?” he asked. John tilted his head and raised his eyebrow (in uncanny visual homage to Tim Allen) as he thought for a moment, and then shook it.
“No, no. You’re not a brooder. You just...” John shrugged. “Think deeply about things. Like in the guy in the Dusk’R Logbook from the Kakariko story post last month.”
“...I wrote that story.”
“... Well then that explains it.”
The three brothers and Malon waited right outside the racetrack as Ingo went to fetch his competitor horse. The three fairies fluttered around impatiently. Malon rested her arms, still a bit drowsy from waking up earlier than usual. It was barely six.
“Why a horse race? Why can’t the goat just pay you the bills already?” she asked drowsily.
“Because then James would inherit the ranch,” John said with a snicker.
“Oh please, like you keep count!” James said as he made himself comfortable.
“And I suppose you do?” John asked. James didn’t answer.
Ten minutes passed. Terry breathed impatiently. “If he ain’t here in another five minutes, let’s call it a no-show and get the heck out of here! I don’t like the way he looks at you when you use Epona.” James shrugged.
“Let’s wait till he actually gets here before we jump the gun,” James said with a yawn.
“Something tells me by the time he arrives, the gun will already be loaded and shot!” Steve added, eating out of a bag. James sighed, but then took extra notice at the bag Steve had.
“...Why are you eating Horse Meal?” he asked. Steve had to stop and think.
“That’s a good question.” He said before taking another handful.
Another five minutes passed. James was convinced that if they waited any longer one of them would fall asleep before they hit the road. James started Epona towards the gate.
“That’s it, Ingo!” James called. “If you don’t show yourself, I get the horse hands down!” No answer. James growled. “That’s it guys, we’re leaving!” Just as the others started in James’ direction, the ground started to rumble. The posts of the ranch started to shake. Everyone gripped onto a fence as a black streak rushed to meet them. The black thunder ceased just as it looked it would run the party over. There stood Ingo, in his considerably funny-looking Shakespearean outfit, riding a large, muscle bound, black horse of terror. The Horse’s eyes were red, it’s snort like steam, and the hooves seemed to strike sparks as it pawed at the cobblestone like a flint.
“Now, I’m sure y’all remember lil’ Black-Star here, right?” Ingo asked. Steve gulped. When Malon had arranged to let them take a horse, she had a role-call for all the the ranch’s horses, and Black-Star was one of them. He distinctly remembered Malon disregarding him for being too ‘Evil.’ And now he knew why, though the horse back at the ranch seven years ago hadn’t entered its prime yet, the horse already looked conceited and powerful, and now that had increased sevenfold. James snorted.
“Of course I remember!” he said. “Only a horse so vain would let the likes of you pull his rein!” James just noticed he had struck an unintended poem, and so did Malon, who cracked a smile (ugh). So did John and Steve, who scoffed. And so did Ingo, who wasn’t happy. Ingo pointed a gloved finger at the Red Tunic.
“Don’t you use your writer’s savvy on me, farmboy!”He hissed. “What swoons them over at Kakariko won’t work on me!” Steve blinked a few times as if the quote spoken was a false picture in front of him.
“Wait, he can make girls swoon?” he asked.
“It’s his Dream, too.” John remarked.
The two horses marched up the starting line. Terry fluttered nervously around James. “Erh... now look, don’t go in over your head, Epona’s fast alright, but she’s never been in a professional race before and...” James waved the words away.
“Relax, if she can outrun a Big Poe, she can outrun Ingo.” Terry wasn’t the only one warning James.
“I know your brother’s mission or whatever depends on us getting to the forest and all, but try not to push her, alright?” she asked.
“Like you don’t?” James asked. Malon rolled her eyes. “I seem to recall someone shouting at the top of her lungs one time when Epona went rodeo out on the road, don’t you?”
“We were on easy terrain...” Malon mumbled.
“We were on our way to the Gerudo Desert!” James added. Malon gave him a look that near-changed his perplexion. “Epona will be fine, trust me! Besides, either way we’ll win.”
“How?”
“A special reason.”
“You’re not gonna bring up that dream stuff again, are you?”
“Well...”
“It’s gonna take more than a dream to beat Black-Star!” Ingo broke in as his horse practically tore himself a path to the line. James ignored him and looked back at Malon.
“With tights-man here? I’ll barely work her past a few carrots!” he said
“...I can hear you!” Ingo called.
“That lazy clown-collar will catch enough downdraft to get us an edge!” Ingo wouldn’t let that one slide.
“I’m not just the guy with the Clown-collar, I’m your boss!” James ignored him.
Steve stood in front of Epona. “...Dunno if I can still talk to you or if you can still hear me, but uh... I haven’t been around too long but... try and listen to James this time, alright?”
“Don’t I always?” Steve froze, but smiled. Talking to her never got old.
“What about that crash from yesterday? Were you listening then?”
“He-e-e-e-eads up! Residents of Lon-Lon Ranch!” Terry called in his big booming voice. “We are here for our first (and hopefully last) internal horse-race competition! To our left, we have trusty Lil’ Red with Filly prodigy Epona!” There weren’t enough people to make a satisfying cheer. Epona reared back on her legs and whinnied. James looked calm, but his hands were glued to the reins and his face was pale from the shock of the sudden movement.
“And to our R-r-r-right!” Terry continued. “Big, dark and evil, the both of them! Sir Ingo and his trusty Steed Black-Star! Half a Goron’s weight of unbound stallion genes, maybe with a bull somewhere in the mix!” There weren’t enough people to make a satisfying boo, but Ingo didn’t care. He just straightened his collar.
“My money’s on the big one,” John whispered to Steve, loud enough for James to hear.
“ON-YOUR-MARKS!” Terry shouted. The horses marched up to the line. “Get-SET!” The horses planted their hooves -- “Hey! Did I say move yet?! I don’t think so!!” Terry called. The two horses looked at each other in confusion. “Well forget it! GO!!” The two Horses had a start before rearing back and charging forward.
Barely a minute had passed before James finished the first lap. Epona was galloping at full speed, barely breaking a sweat, while Black-Star -even in the cool light of dawn- was dripping with respiration. John and Steve boredly watched.
“...Yawn! Must be funner when you’re watching the game!” John sighed.
“Was funner when you actually play the game!” Steve corrected.
Black-Star and Epona were neck-in-neck, and the two riders were close enough to speak over the wind..
“With all due respect, Mr.Ingo, this embarrassing defeat could be avoided if you simply paid your debt,” James called. “I would be satisfied if you just let me keep the horse!” Ingo snorted. “You are NOT winning this Race, and you are NOT getting that horse!” He shouted as he forced Black-Star into full gallop.
“Aww, Mr Ingo, that’s a shame!” James called.
“Yeah?! Why?!” Ingo barked. James jabbed Epona in the side. Epona reared back and dashed right into the finish line. Ingo and Black-Star slowly lowered their gallop to a trot. James smiled, had Epona rear back and looked back at Ingo.
“‘Cause I just won your game!” James called back. Another rhyme, and this time he intended it.
“Neeeeoooowowuul...fh!!” Ingo screamed as he writhed around with his spine and held his head. John narrowed his eyes and blinked, but no, it was no illusion, Ingo’s spine was moving.
“Is his spine naturally telescopic?” John asked. The others shrugged or shook their heads. Ingo gripped at his hair and stomped his feet.
“NO!” He moaned. “No-nononono-NO-NO!” The others tried to look away, but they couldn’t.
“Talk to him already!” John whispered to James. “He’s starting to look like Gollum!” James sighed and walked up to his landlord.
“Mr Ingo, I’d like the horse’s ownership, please,” James said. Ingo looked up at James with bloodshot eyes and gave him a start. “Mr. Ingo... *Er-hem!* Mr. Ingo, I am willing to accept the horse as payment. You don’t have to pay me any money. I can help you raise a new horse to take Epona’s place if you’d be willing.” Ingo’s unblinking glare burned holes into James’ eyes (whether it was literal or not is up to you). He held firm and crossed his arms. “Or you can just pay me and I’ll buy the horse!” Ingo turned away and growled. James frowned.
“That horse... is the king’s…” Ingo growled.
“He sold it behind your back?!” Steve cried. He was jabbed by John.
“That horse... was to be given to Ganondorf!” Ingo said again, this time turning to face the party. “The King said if he were given a new steed... he’d give the owner a handsome reward!”
“What? Did the last one get sat on at the wrong angle or something --- ow!” Steve was jabbed again. Ingo pointed a finger.
“I intend to take the prize! I intend to give the horse to our new king! And I’m not going to let some book-wise fool and his city-slickin’ brothers take this horse from me!”
“But you forget that you are the one who got yourself into this mess...” John added as he approached the two. “You agreed to gamble on the horse. Therefore, if you knew what was good for you, you’d let me and my brothers leave with the horse.” Ingo’s moustache started to twitch in different directions that weren’t thought previously possible. “These are real swords we’re carrying! We don’t just carry them to pick our teeth with, you know!”
“You don’t?” Navi asked. Everyone looked at her. “I’ve seen things...” that was all she said. Ingo was only slightly perplexed. He turned to James.
“One more race...” He grumbled. “One more race... and then you can have the horse...”
“Is dis Dude for real?” Terry groaned. “Don’t humor him! Take the Equine and let’s blow this joint!”
“No, no.” James said. “I want to beat him like this.”
“--WHAT?!!--” The unison of everyone’s voices was spot-on. “Isn’t this the guy who chickened out at confrontation before?” Steve asked.
“That was seven years ago...” Terry mumbled. James held out his hand to shake.
“I win, one more time, and I keep the horse. Do we agree?” He asked. Ingo glared daggers at him. He shook the hand.
James got back on to Epona and led her back to the track. John quickly ran to James’ side. “Y’know, you essentially risk us getting to the forest on time by doing this, right?” James smiled.
“Relax, bro. I got this all under control.”
“How?”
“This is a dream.”
“Aaand...?”
“How do you think I won the last race? It wasn’t just Epona, you know!”
“You manipulated the very Game physics that cause that [here John pointed at another floating banana in the horizon], the very physics that you yell at me for using, to win a horse race?”
“Yep.”
“If you lose, I’m going to use the banana to win the race...” John muttered, more to himself. James trotted off with Epona. Steve ran over to John and saw that his eldest brother was shedding a tear.
“Dare I ask?”
“He’s learning!” John sniffled.
[Now then, we could get into the details of the epic race, but let’s spare Ingo the humiliation and cut to the chase. #AuthorLaziness #AnotherRhyme!]
Once more Ingo cried out, and once more his spine telescoped like some kind of accordion as he flailed. Everyone still gawked, but James had had enough.
“I’m not even gonna bother with this one! I am taking this horse with me and my comrades and we are leaving this ranch!” James took Epona’s bridle and gently led her towards the gate. The others started to follow.
“No.” Everyone stopped, except James.
“Not botherin’!” James called.
“Noo!” James had a start to find Ingo directly in front of him, blocking the gate, marching towards him. His eyes were wide open. Black streaks bordered the bottoms of his eyes. As he closed in on the group, even Epona, step for step, fearfully backed away. He started to giggle. He wagged a finger at the group. “Hehehe… I said I’d let you keep the horse… I didn’t say I’d let you leave!” The party all exchanged glances. “You’re not leaving this ranch!” Ingo added.
“Um… I’m pretty sure we are,” Steve said. The group murmured in approval. “Now… If you’d step to the side, we’ve gotta beeline for the forest before it gets dark!”
“The bro’s right,” James said. “Now, unless you want a trampled foot I suggest you move to the side.” James pushed Epona forward. Ingo didn’t move. “I’m serious!” Ingo didn’t move. Long pause.
“Aren’t you gonna trample him?!” Steve called. James bit his lip. “...Wait! You were bluffing?!”
John stepped out of the group and walked up to Ingo to face him in the eye.
“You’re not leaving this ranch!” Ingo repeated.
“And I say to you sir…” John said as he straightened out his tunic. “Who is keeping us? Do you intend to keep the master Trickster and his comrades within your own walls? I daresay by the goddess’ names there is no way you could possibly keep us here!”
***
The group was being kept there. They were all tied up inside the horse-pen, tied to the inner gate, while Ingo sat outside, dangling the key in his finger.
“...Wha… Wait! How did this happen?!” John cried. Ingo shrugged.
“Paragraph change. It’s beyond me.” Ingo said as he walked away whistling. John was wide-eyed. He frantically looked around. Everyone else had their two wrists tied to the fence post in front of them… all except for Sheik, who was nowhere to be found.
“T-This isn’t happening!” he called. “The Master Trickster can not be bound by your simpleton ways! I am no one’s prisoner!”
“John!!” James snapped. “We’re his prisoners! Deal with it!” John stared blankly at his brother. He then proceeded to gnaw at his bonds. James rolled his eyes and shook his head. “John…”
“Gyaaaah!” John wailed as he threw his face into the air.
“John! It’s alright! Calm down already!”
“No… I bit my wrist!” John whimpered. A collective sigh sounded among the comrades.
“Where’s Sheik when you need him…?” James groaned as he wriggled in his bonds. “I didn’t know Ingo was so good at knots… How do we get outta this?”
“Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!” Steve said eagerly as he hopped up and down.
“What?!” Everyone shouted.
***
Every bond lay undone on the ground beneath them. Even Epona was unbridled.
“What the wazzit…?”
“Paragraph change!” Steve said with a playful shrug. “Beyond me. Now then…” Steve patted off his hands and examined their surroundings. “How the heck do we get out?”
A shadow streaked past them. They all jerked around to Sheik a few feet to the side, carrying a knife. “My comrades! I’m here to set…” Sheik turned and looked at all the undone bonds. “You free… Din-dangit!” Sheik threw the blade to the ground and angrily stomped on it; which was a mistake. Sheik pulled up his foot and held unto it, suppressing a quiet squeak. Everyone winced.
“We didn’t mean to beat you to it…” Steve said. “Here! I’ll tie myself up again and you can cut me loose.” Sheik angrily waved his hand.
“Forget it! You can get out of here with your… dreamy… paragraph sorcery all on your own! I’ll be over here… throbbing… in a completely non-wimpy way...” And with that, Sheik hobbled away. Everyone exchanged glances.
“Well you can’t say he never put his foot into it,” John said. Everyone gave him a look. “Yeah, sorry folks. Bad taste. Now then… where’s the gate?”
“O’er there, come on!” James said with a wave of his arm. The dual-doored gate was only about seven feet tall from where they stood, but with every couple paces it seemed to grow. By the time they stood in front of it, it appeared several stories tall. The group had to arch their backs just to look up at the lock. “...I’ve heard of panoramic rendering… I didn’t think the N64 could handle something like this...” James looked at John, who looked slightly less bewildered. James wagged an angry finger.
“This is what I mean when we mess with Dream Physics! It’s come back to repay us in the form of this twenty foot wall!” John just shrugged and started bobbing his head. “You aren’t going to do anything about it?!”
“I’m thinking, I’m thinking!” John didn’t appear to do anything. James twitched his nose.
“...I’m taking matters into my own hands! John, give me your rapier!” John complied without a complaint. James strapped his own scabbard to his back (apparently Ingo hadn’t stripped them of their equipment mid-paragraph change), carefully gripped John’s sword with his mouth, and scurried up the tall gate. John looked up and watched his brother scurry up to the lock, lodge his legs into gaps on each half of the gate so that he could rest comfortably, ready the two swords, and started picking at the lock. The soft, rhythmic clicking echoed across the farm. Nobody came.
Steve looked up at James. “Hey! There’s no lock picking in Zelda. Wrong game!”
“Don’t care...” James called back as he broke through the first half of the mechanism. John thoughtfully stroked his chin.
“Er… James’ you’re in a rather bad position to try and open a dual-doored gate!”
“Cannit!”
Malon fearfully clenched her hands together. “H-he may have a point,” she said. “What happens when it opens?” The clicking stopped.
“I got it!”
“We watch, that’s what.” John settled down and smiled again.
“Open it up, will ya?” James called. John looked back at Malon.
“I feel like I should tell him… nah.” John walked over and gave the gate doors a good bash. The doors parted, swinging to the side, with James’ legs still caught on either side. Malon covered her eyes and looked away. Crrrraaaack. John waited until the doors stopped moving. They stopped mid-way. He nervously chuckled to himself. “Well, that could’ve… oh well. He got what he wanted. Ninja-boy? Feeling better?” Sheik approached, carefully stepping with his heel on the injured foot.
“I’ll do fine… what do you want?” John gestured up at the broken figure stuck in the gate.
“You and Steve bring him down. Me and Malon will come up with a plan.” No questions were asked. Steve and Sheik immediately started climbing. John took Malon on the shoulder. “Now, you see Malon, you never, ever, wanna have your legs on different sides of a moving door. When you’re unlucky enough to do such a thing…” John pointed behind him as Sheik and Steve carefully carried James down from his perch, legs at 180 degrees, and frozen like an ailing ballet dancer mid-pose. “...That happens.” Malon clasped her hands around her mouth as she watched James get carried away. “Now then, since James, our lead strategist, is out of commission, we need to come up with a plan.” Malon nodded.
“Judging on how Ingo didn’t react to the lock being picked or the awful crunching sound that followed, he’s either asleep or drunk. Let’s go with asleep. He is a very sound sleeper. Probably thought we’d never get out. He should be dozed enough for us to sneak into the house, ransack some provisions, maybe some stuff we’ll want to have around for the trip into the forest, and most of all, the key to the main gate. James should recover quickly enough, in the meantime, you and Steve will go inside and grab what we need, Sheik will see to James, and I’ll handle Ingo. He probably has the key. And if he don’t, then I’ll make sure he’s not conscious enough to cause trouble.”
Malon nodded again, and paused in thought. “...Why did I need to hear all that?”
“I needed a second opinion, otherwise James would never agree when he came to.” John looked over to the others. “How’s he doing?!” he called. James leaned against the railing, with one leg finally in its proper position, pushing down on his other leg that still remained at a disturbing 180.
“Geeeeeyaaaaa… [craaaack]...OOOH!” James took a moment to recover, quietly squeaking to himself.
“You alright…?” Steve asked.
“I’ll be fine…” James mumbled, voice at an usually high pitch.
“Good. Then we’ll go inside the house with John’s plan, and you wait here.”
“Wah? John’s plan?” The others left. James stood there for a moment, and then carefully (and stiffly) walked towards the shed.
