General Art The Demon of the Shadows
- Thread starter Ganondork
- Start date
This Duke needs to see an anger management counseler. That is, if he survives Valten! And that's highly unlikely. :nod: I look forward to reading more!
Linknerd09
Luigi Fan
What an epic chapter. The killing, blood, taxes, and assassins. Nice chapter, Mr. G-Dork. Keep up the epic work^^
Caeda
Keyblade Master
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2010
Oh wow. The duke needs about five bars of soap. Other than that, really good chapter. Is that Jester guy mute, out of curiosity ?
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2010
I read this a few hours ago and couldn't comment. I only caught one tiny mistake, and I can't seem to find it now.:huh: This was a nice chapter. The fighting seen was well-detailed and exciting. I wonder what will happen with all these civilians about to be killed.
So, I had a chance to look at this. Aside from the other criticisms mentioned before, I want to touch upon one thing with you- adverbs. Those words that totally end in "ly". When it comes to adverbs, there is a quote from Stephen King himself that I like to use, because there is a lot of truth to it- "the road to hell is paved with adverbs". It is often better to omit an adverb whenever possible, unless you're unable to describe a scene without its use. Too many adverbs makes your writing appear very amateur, not to mention the amount you have in your chapters is quite unnecessary.
Other than that, this is a good start.
Other than that, this is a good start.
Raindrop14
Soldier for Christ!
That was a good chapter.
Keep up the awsome work.
Keep up the awsome work.
*M i d n a*
Æsir Scribe
It was good to see the Jester form part of this tale. Good job. As to mistakes, hardly none, but this sounds weird to me:
“Let him go, buddy,” they replied. “Don’t want to die, do you?”
I think it would have sounded better if you had phrased that like this:
"Let him go, buddy," one of the guards replied. "Don't want to die, do you?" (Only because it is hard to believe all the guards could have said that very same thing at the same time, you said they. It's possible but not really. But anyway, that's just my frank opinion.
“Let him go, buddy,” they replied. “Don’t want to die, do you?”
I think it would have sounded better if you had phrased that like this:
"Let him go, buddy," one of the guards replied. "Don't want to die, do you?" (Only because it is hard to believe all the guards could have said that very same thing at the same time, you said they. It's possible but not really. But anyway, that's just my frank opinion.
Keyari
翼のエルフ
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2011
- Location
- Rivendell, Middle Earth
This was an interesting chapter, like all others. Very well written. I'm not one for strong language at all, but I read it anyway! 
Good job my friend!
Good job my friend!
Ganondork
goo
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2010
Sorry for not posting in a while. 
It'll be tough, but I'll try to post once a week. Enjoy this next chapter
The guards didn’t wait for any other signal and they drew out their bows. They fired them at a rapid rate. Running from the arrows, the civilians scattered. Some managed to escape, but many more were unlucky. Arrows in their backs, heads and chests, the poor Parisians fell to the ground, blood oozing from their mouths.
Valten knew what he had to do, and he had to do it quickly. He ran to the back of the structure – and in turn receiving a few arrows his way – and began to climb. Using the grooves in the structure like steps in a ladder, he hoisted himself to the top of the building.
He looked below him as the massacre continued. He watched as an arrow pierced a man’s left shoulder. He applied pressure to the wound by grasping his shoulder with his hand and continued to run. An arrow shot from parallel of the first one flew into his skull. The man fell immediately, dead.
A great blur of motion came into Valten’s view and two guards crumpled to the floor, dead. The Jester was going to work on the guards and Swain was just screaming “Kill those useless ****s! Don’t let them escape; I want every single person killed!” It was obvious that he didn’t see the guards being killed; the pillars separating each of them blocked their view of Swain and vice versa.
Not wasting any more time, Valten stepped to the edge of the building and dropped himself intentionally. Whipping around and grasping the edge with all of his strength, he managed to avoid a bloody death like the many civilians – and now guards. He let go of the edge and landed on railing that prevented anyone – most likely Swain – to fall off. He leaped off the rail and landed on the ground of the second floor. Swain was not far at all, but the pillars Valten was standing near blocked the Templar’s area of vision.
At this point, many guards were dead and many civilians had escaped. Swain had noticed the lack of force as the final Parisian escaped. He walked to the guard’s posts and prepared to scream at them – which would have probably earned him an arrow in the gut. His jaw dropped as he saw corpse upon corpse of the guards. “Who could have done this?” He whispered. Anyone far away would have never heard the question – which was directed to his self, not any onlookers – but Valten had slowly made his way towards the Duke. He was but a few feet from the insane Templar taking cover behind another pillar.
He looked down as Swain continued forward – and away from Valten. To Valten’s sheer luck, a guard’s corpse laid there. He did not waste any time stripping the guard of his armor and putting it on himself. It was obvious how efficient the Jester was; there was not a single scratch on the armor, not even a trace of blood. He slid the helmet onto his head and continued toward his target.
Swain was not at all far. He’d go by each pillar, inspect the guard’s condition – all of them were dead – and then swear under his breath. With the armor on, Valten did not have to worry about silently walking towards the Duke. “What is the meaning of this?” Valten questioned. He tried with great effort to alter his voice and give it a slight German accent.
Buying into the charade, Swain replied, “It would seem there is a traitor in our midst.”
“Do you have any proof?” The Assassin asked.
“They are all dead, and yet, you are here,” Swain replied; the venom in his voice obvious. He grabbed Valten by the neck, “Traitor! I will have you hung!”
Valten was hardly intimidated, until the Duke drew out a sword. He put it to Valten’s neck and growled with anger. “Who do you serve? Who the hell are you?”
“The Assassins,” Valten replied as he retracted his hidden blade and stabbed Swain in the stomach. He laid the Duke gently on the floor. “You are a brutal man Swain.”
“I did what was right, Assassin. I gave them a livelihood and they retaliated for my good deeds,” he replied.
“You Templars never seem to learn. Your taxing funded your life and family, not the citizen’s,” Valten commented as he removed the helmet.
“If you were in my place, you would have done what I did. We are all human,” he retorted, but there was a hint of weakness in his voice.
“Greed ruled your life. Gold should not have true worth in society, for it brings the worst out of sick bastards like you,” Valten growled.
“I do not seek your approval, Assassin,” the Duke shot back.
“And that is why you are dead,” Valten said as he sent his hidden blade into the Templar’s stomach once again. This time, the Duke laid his head on the ground and never moved it again.
Swain was dead.
Valten closed the deceased man’s eyes and lifted his body. With the corpse in hand, he climbed the top of the building. A few minutes later, a naked Swain hung from the top of the building with a noose around his neck. “People of Paris, I rid you of your curse! Come here and rejoice, for this is a day fit for feasts and extravagant events!”
The crowd did not hesitate to cheer as they saw the dead Duke hang there, his eyelids slightly open, giving the group a glazed stare. All did not celebrate with wine and bread however. In a bell tower not far from the building, two men heavily armored up to their necks watched the Assassin. They snarled at the man’s look of triumph and pride and cursed the ground he walked on.
“He has killed Swain my lord,” the man on the right said crossly.
“Yes. Send your finest men to dispatch him,” the man on the left said his anger at a more controlled level.
It'll be tough, but I'll try to post once a week. Enjoy this next chapter Chapter 3: The Duke’s Wrath
The guards didn’t wait for any other signal and they drew out their bows. They fired them at a rapid rate. Running from the arrows, the civilians scattered. Some managed to escape, but many more were unlucky. Arrows in their backs, heads and chests, the poor Parisians fell to the ground, blood oozing from their mouths.
Valten knew what he had to do, and he had to do it quickly. He ran to the back of the structure – and in turn receiving a few arrows his way – and began to climb. Using the grooves in the structure like steps in a ladder, he hoisted himself to the top of the building.
He looked below him as the massacre continued. He watched as an arrow pierced a man’s left shoulder. He applied pressure to the wound by grasping his shoulder with his hand and continued to run. An arrow shot from parallel of the first one flew into his skull. The man fell immediately, dead.
A great blur of motion came into Valten’s view and two guards crumpled to the floor, dead. The Jester was going to work on the guards and Swain was just screaming “Kill those useless ****s! Don’t let them escape; I want every single person killed!” It was obvious that he didn’t see the guards being killed; the pillars separating each of them blocked their view of Swain and vice versa.
Not wasting any more time, Valten stepped to the edge of the building and dropped himself intentionally. Whipping around and grasping the edge with all of his strength, he managed to avoid a bloody death like the many civilians – and now guards. He let go of the edge and landed on railing that prevented anyone – most likely Swain – to fall off. He leaped off the rail and landed on the ground of the second floor. Swain was not far at all, but the pillars Valten was standing near blocked the Templar’s area of vision.
At this point, many guards were dead and many civilians had escaped. Swain had noticed the lack of force as the final Parisian escaped. He walked to the guard’s posts and prepared to scream at them – which would have probably earned him an arrow in the gut. His jaw dropped as he saw corpse upon corpse of the guards. “Who could have done this?” He whispered. Anyone far away would have never heard the question – which was directed to his self, not any onlookers – but Valten had slowly made his way towards the Duke. He was but a few feet from the insane Templar taking cover behind another pillar.
He looked down as Swain continued forward – and away from Valten. To Valten’s sheer luck, a guard’s corpse laid there. He did not waste any time stripping the guard of his armor and putting it on himself. It was obvious how efficient the Jester was; there was not a single scratch on the armor, not even a trace of blood. He slid the helmet onto his head and continued toward his target.
Swain was not at all far. He’d go by each pillar, inspect the guard’s condition – all of them were dead – and then swear under his breath. With the armor on, Valten did not have to worry about silently walking towards the Duke. “What is the meaning of this?” Valten questioned. He tried with great effort to alter his voice and give it a slight German accent.
Buying into the charade, Swain replied, “It would seem there is a traitor in our midst.”
“Do you have any proof?” The Assassin asked.
“They are all dead, and yet, you are here,” Swain replied; the venom in his voice obvious. He grabbed Valten by the neck, “Traitor! I will have you hung!”
Valten was hardly intimidated, until the Duke drew out a sword. He put it to Valten’s neck and growled with anger. “Who do you serve? Who the hell are you?”
“The Assassins,” Valten replied as he retracted his hidden blade and stabbed Swain in the stomach. He laid the Duke gently on the floor. “You are a brutal man Swain.”
“I did what was right, Assassin. I gave them a livelihood and they retaliated for my good deeds,” he replied.
“You Templars never seem to learn. Your taxing funded your life and family, not the citizen’s,” Valten commented as he removed the helmet.
“If you were in my place, you would have done what I did. We are all human,” he retorted, but there was a hint of weakness in his voice.
“Greed ruled your life. Gold should not have true worth in society, for it brings the worst out of sick bastards like you,” Valten growled.
“I do not seek your approval, Assassin,” the Duke shot back.
“And that is why you are dead,” Valten said as he sent his hidden blade into the Templar’s stomach once again. This time, the Duke laid his head on the ground and never moved it again.
Swain was dead.
Valten closed the deceased man’s eyes and lifted his body. With the corpse in hand, he climbed the top of the building. A few minutes later, a naked Swain hung from the top of the building with a noose around his neck. “People of Paris, I rid you of your curse! Come here and rejoice, for this is a day fit for feasts and extravagant events!”
The crowd did not hesitate to cheer as they saw the dead Duke hang there, his eyelids slightly open, giving the group a glazed stare. All did not celebrate with wine and bread however. In a bell tower not far from the building, two men heavily armored up to their necks watched the Assassin. They snarled at the man’s look of triumph and pride and cursed the ground he walked on.
“He has killed Swain my lord,” the man on the right said crossly.
“Yes. Send your finest men to dispatch him,” the man on the left said his anger at a more controlled level.
“At once sir, I will not fail you, Pope Eugene IV.”
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2010
Very nice chapter! I loved the dialogue between Valten and Swain, and the death ended that scene perfectly. The ending of the chapter also created some nice suspense and I'm anticipating the chapters to come.
Linknerd09
Luigi Fan
Nice and epic chapter, Mr. G-Dork^^ Keep up the epic work^^ *Applause* :clap:
gerudogirl
a crazed guns women
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2011
well, it's about time! great chapter G-dork! :yes:
Myriadviper42
Fulcrum Agent
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2010
- Location
- Control
And another person dead. And now the assassin will be hunted....but I'm sure it won't work, of course. Good chapter.
Good chapter.