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Surge

Joined
Mar 18, 2020
Location
In the future playing BotW 2
Gender
Mobian
Chapter 0
Welcome to this magical world. The lands are separated into 3 kingdoms: The Flua Kingdom (represented by red), The Lapiz Kingdom (represented by blue), and The Kline Kingdom (represented by yellow).
Each has an interconnected military system, to discourage fighting and to work together more when an enemy arises. But how do these kingdoms fight? Each kingdom has 2 levels. The Inner lands, which
are closer to castle and generally inhabited by more rich folk. Then there is the Outer Lands, which less wealthy people live in, and it is all farm lands, unlike the Inner Lands which is the city.
In the Inner Lands Surge crystals are everywhere, from flowers to just seemingly random rocks on the street. They glow a light blue, and have special powers, and rare ones (which are usually kept-
on castle grounds) inhabit powers from mythical and legendary beasts. The 3 most powerful known to man belong to the 3 Military commanders, 1 lies in each kingdom. These Surge stones are put in
powerful weapons, which power up weapons. In the Outer Lands Surge Stones are scarce, but exist. However 1 boy's encounter would change everything.....
 
Joined
Mar 18, 2020
Location
In the future playing BotW 2
Gender
Mobian
teaser because it takes too long for me to finish things

He looked up at the crystal. Shiny but otherwise bland. Itsumu's friend finally caught up to him. "Yo, so how are we gonna use that to ward of the gang?" Ray exclaimed. Itsumu simply took a knife and carved some blueprints on the side of a tree. "Hey, that could work. But to do that we need to buy you some time, right?" Ray said. Itsumu nodded. "I see them! Get those little rats!". A bunch of men armed with surge crystal powered guns came rushing at Itsumu and Ray. Ray says "Take the crystal and get away, I'll fend them off!". Itsumu nods and quickly runs away with the 2's newly acquired surge crystal. Ray takes out 2 normal kunai's and prepares to face the men. "I guess I'll consider this training for when we put our plan into motion!".

coming in a few days (hopefully)
 

Azure Sage

March onward forever...
Staff member
ZD Legend
Comm. Coordinator
Interesting world building. I can see there's a class divide going on, with the wealthy seeming to hoard the surge crystals. And there are gangs that mess with the common folk. I'm curious to read more. :)

I notice Itsumu had no dialogue. Is he a mute? I have a mute oc of my own. :)
 
Joined
Mar 18, 2020
Location
In the future playing BotW 2
Gender
Mobian
Interesting world building. I can see there's a class divide going on, with the wealthy seeming to hoard the surge crystals. And there are gangs that mess with the common folk. I'm curious to read more. :)

I notice Itsumu had no dialogue. Is he a mute? I have a mute oc of my own. :)
yeah he is mute , I took inspiration from link :) And thanks on the worldbuilding comment, I'm hoping to make a big fleshed out world but hopefully not too overwhelming.
 
Joined
Mar 18, 2020
Location
In the future playing BotW 2
Gender
Mobian
Chapter 1: Part 1 (next part comes out later today)
The sun rose up into the sky signifying a new day, and filling Itsumu's surroundings with light. He awakened and had just finished brushing his teeth. "Hey Itsumu, the newspaper came" his Mom called from the kitchen, who was making breakfast. Itsumu un-eagerly left his room to check it out. However what he say in this one surprised him. This world was practically run by surge crystals, however wealthy people took them all for themselves. When you use the crystals, they unleash a mysterious power. However the one time Itsumu was able to hold one...nothing happened. Being confused by this, he decided to get one for himself to see why. However Itsumu lived in the Outerlands, so surge crystals were almost non existent. However today......there was one spotted! There wouldn't be to much competition to get it in the Outer Lands, so it was his for the taking...right? The crystal was spotting in Rimbeus cave, which was just at the border between the Inner and Outer Lands. A rich person hiring a gang to go to that cave and retrieve the crystal (so the person could use it to gamble on useless things) was very likely to happen. o matter how far yje location. if you offer a high enough amount any gang would go the distance to do a job. Itsumu's Mom had just finished breakfast, so he wolfed it down, waved goodbye to his Mom, and headed out for the day. Itsumu went to his friends house with the newspaper, and ringed the doorbell. A yellow haired boy answered. "Oh hey Itsumu, whats up?". Itsumu simply showed him the page of the newspaper with the crystal on it. "No way, are you serious?". The boy called into his house from the doorway. "Alright Mom, Imma go out with my friend Itsumu" "Be careful Ray!"
And the 2 were off. It was a somewhat long trek to Rimbeus cave, however not too long. While walking Ray mentioned something. "Hey Itsumu, did you here that the pretty girl next door is announcing her boyfriend today?" This made Itsumu perk out. He had no interest in the girl, however this brought up the possibility of having to maneuver around Teenage gangs as well. All of them seem to frequently be crushing on the girl, so today they would surely be out and about, a gang leader might even command his gang to get a gift for her. Which could be the surge crystal.
 
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Joined
Mar 18, 2020
Location
In the future playing BotW 2
Gender
Mobian
Chapter 1: Part 2
The 2 quickly moved to Rimbeus cave, with the sun shining on them practically burning them alive. They were more concerned about the Teen gangs, however it hadn't hit Itsumu until they got to the cave. Ray was anxious to go in, and somehow hadn't broken a sweat. "Alright let's get this crystal!" they walked in and......rocks fell behind them. Of course. The gangs from the Inner Lands were closer, obviously they would get here first. They were the only people outside going to the cave, and the Teen gangs were nowhere to be found, meaning they were probably ahead of them if they even came. They had walked right into a trap,but how would they walk out alive? "Oh gosh, they must be here already!" Ray frantically said.

Unfortunately for the 2 of them Itsumu wasn't ready to quit. He had a hunch the gang set the trap off manually outside then came back into retrieve the crystal and escape, so there had to be a way they came in, which would hypothetically be the 2's way out. After blindly walked through the cave they managed to find a torch on a wall, and were met with 3 paths. Itsumu wasn't sure where to go, but Ray took that job. "Hmm, surge crystals radiant some light right? then let's just go down the brightest tunnel!" "No wait, the gang may be trying to fool us, so let's take the darkest route." And to their surprise the surge crystal.....was just there. no traps, no anything. All that's left was to find a way out, however Ray, thinking with his fist decided to take a easier way out instead. "Hey Itsumu, let's just use this to blow a hole in the wall and escape! Wait no.......we need weapons if we ever encountered them. whatever, lets just make them just in case."

Luckily for the 2 surge crystals were sharp and their points never got dull, do Ray made 2 makeshift kunais out of the strongest rocks he could find. Ray picked up the rock, channeled its energy and made a big blast (kamehameha style), resulting in a hole just big enough for them to get out...to a swamp. 2 men quickly caught up to the boys. They had 2 daggers, however weren't do good at using them. "Take the crystal, I'll deal with these 2!" Ray took out his kunais and fought the men while Itsumuran as fast as he could through the mud until he got do a tree far away from them. He saw Ray in the distance and they made eye contact, Itsumu pointed at the crystal. The surge crystal may be the 2's only hope, but they were coming out alive and with it no matter what. then Itsumu could finally begin testing, and possibly make something incredible. He looked up at the crystal. Shiny but otherwise bland.

Itsumu's friend finally caught up to him. "Yo, so how are we gonna use that to ward of the gang?" Ray exclaimed. Itsumu simply took a kunai out of Ray's hands and carved some blueprints on the side of a tree. "Hey, that could work. But to do that we need to buy you some time, right?" Ray said. Itsumu nodded. "I see them! Get those little rats!". A bunch of men armed with surge crystal powered guns came rushing at Itsumu and Ray. Ray says "Take the crystal and get away, I'll fend them off!". Itsumu nods and quickly runs away with the 2's newly acquired surge crystal. Ray takes out 2 normal kunai's and prepares to face the men. "I guess I'll consider this training for when we put our plan into motion!". Itsumu and Ray knew that they still had a long way to go, but it would probably be worth it. After all, a anti surge crystal weapon would be revolutionary.
 
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Azure Sage

March onward forever...
Staff member
ZD Legend
Comm. Coordinator
Interesting first chapter. I noticed a few typos here and there, but the content itself was good. Itsumu and Ray seem pretty bold, and the idea of teen gangs being a menace in their neighborhood is cool. I guess having to put up with that stuff has made those two brave. Can't wait to see what they do with that surge crystal.

One thing I want to point out for you is that it's a little hard to read, since it's kind of a wall of text. I think breaking them up into paragraphs, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point, would help your writing flow better. It's also a good idea to have dialogue as their own separate lines so that it's easy to distinguish them from the story text. It's easier to read lines of dialogue one line at a time rather than all at once in a single line. If you have any novels at home, seeing how they structure their sentences and paragraphs can be a great reference point. When I first started writing, my stuff was structured a lot like the way yours is, and reading books helped me build up my vocabulary and framework. The more you read, the better you write, I think.

I look forward to seeing how your writing grows from here, as well as your story! :)
 

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