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Zelda Art Prefer You Lon Lon Milk or Tea? Enter for Some Zelda Poetry

Sarianae

Infinite Dreamer
Joined
Nov 21, 2010
Location
Storybrooke, Maine
Hmmm...this is my first venture into the Fan Works section of the forum~ ^^

A few months ago, I was telling someone how I had recently taken up an interest in poetry. When they asked me what inspired me to write, the first thing that jumped into my head was Zelda. I didn't say it out loud because I thought that would garner me a reaction that was either...shocked, confused, or simply livid, but anyways I've been working on the poem you will be reading below since about that time. Yes....it's been undergoing revision and more revision for a while. I seriously can't look at it anymore...I need other people's opinions at this point because I've just been staring at it too long. I also realized yesterday that I'd memorized it by accident, and was surprised to find that I could recite the whole thing with ease....that's weird because it's a fairly long poem, almost 80 lines (yeah, I spent a really long time writing it.... :sweat:) Anyway, I am very interested in hearing what you're opinions of it will be.

The name of this Poem is World End Dominator, inspired by a completely unrelated song from a completely unrelated series with the same name. :P I might actually change the name though, because World End Dominator sounds like a name more perfectly fit for a Majora's Mask poem, which this one is not. Maybe I will write an MM poem with that name and change this one to something else....but this is the name of this poem for now.

Now, I will not be telling you the subject of the poem, because if I have indeed succeeded in writing it, the scene described within the poem should be naturally formulated by clear images infiltrating your mind as you read. I will say however that the poem covers a very specific scene of a very specific game. You should be able to figure it out...hopefully. If you can't, that either means, I, as the writer, have failed in my endeavor to write you all this poem, or it means you didn't read it carefully enough...or maybe both.

One more thing: I recommend putting on some mood music for this. :P I was listening to Two Steps From Hell while writing it so you could go for that....or you could just pick any fairly intense song you know, because yes, this poem is meant to be read with a high intensity.

Anyway, without further ado, please go ahead and read!

*Note: Supremeer is not a word. :P I made it up because I thought it better fit the rhythmic constraints of the line. It equals Supreme Master.

_____________________________________
World End Dominator

Lock dead on my eyes with your wickedest scorn,
Smash your fist upon the shattering floor,
And flaunting your cape in haughtiest laughter,
Come test me see if I run for the door.
Taunting and haunting supremeer* of the stage,
Emerging before me in tyrannical glory,
Rise to claim your elevated place,
In the coming of the close of this enduring story.
Yet—sinister sovereign stranger to fear,
I bid you a warning you would do well to hear:
Ye darkest of kings, watch your guard.
By you this match shall not be made;
All shall be decided come one fateful moment,
Governed in a motion of my merciless blade.

Bare me of my closest companion,
Thieve me of my love,
Yet pride a fool’s confidence and be lead astray;
No princess shall you long hold hostage,
No friend shall you long hold at bay.
And know that every spirit you’ve tormented in Hyrule,
Empowers the nemesis sword you shall be meeting today.

Wielding your trident of power, make no mistake—
Din is no master of Farore;
They eye each other critically,
With a fierceness of equal intensity,
Descent here from the heavens so high,
Manifest now in you and I.

You may pummel the platforms,
You may gloat upon the air, basking in the cover of invincible wear,
Yet underestimation is a most cunning enemy to avoid in this lair.
Punishing ye who knows not to duly steer clear,
Devouring arrogant prey from an unsuspecting rear.
Then—do regard me so coolly, dare be so foolhardy,
Unwise by the absence of any slight foreboding fear;
And ye prisoner name to your traitorous hubris,
I shall exploit your every weakness drawing dangerously near.

Oh lord of the malice that plagues this world, heed that which I have to say;
Beware of whom stands before you on this fated day.
Take heed of the sun glowing unmercifully,
Through the blaze of my eyes in their most dangerous ferocity,
Watching every tear in your cape with a vigilance to beware,
Stealing every opportunity to strike that I dare.

Throw me what you will with Din’s aid;
Farore rejects your every bout by the spins of my blade.
Time laughs at your endless rally,
Death creeps closer by an arrow’s defining glow.
Feel no surprise at your continual descent before me;
Savour the taste of this delicious last blow.

Come point blank my judicial comrade evil long hath verily feared,
I shall hear you curse the day long ago you first stared down your nose and for what you saw sneered;
Seven years nigh on your raven horse so high,
Witnessed by the tumultuous crashing thunder and rain,
Dismissed the green youth before you but in petty disdain;
Only thrown to the ground as you rode on away,
So do you seal your fate to me on this day.

This world shall not miss you.
This final strike draws in name of every last soul.
Yet ragged and choking forth crimson,
Draw twinges of my pity at the brink of this goal.
Sorely shocked eyes hold mine own paralyzed,
Condemned upon who’s wretched kneeling figure withstands misery to lay,
Down the flesh at the verge of my blade must I grimace,
—Yet before you I shall not ever now sway.
To the heir of Hyrulian hell,
This is your final farewell.
And raising this gleaming sword so high in sublimity—
Deal one divine slice in yet cruelest of grace,
Force you fall before me in crispest finality,
And last purge you forth of this world’s weary face.

Oh ye who fate forever forbids me befriend,
What I may present you is only this end;
Until the heavens demand our souls once again meet,
May you rest peacefully sealed beneath the might in these feet;
May you slumber ever unstirred to new battle heat.

Determined is the dominator that contends,
This deathly date of ours ends.

So do I leave you to the goddesses in lieu—
So hear me whisper you this single last word—

—Adieu.


/World End Dominator


Constructive criticism is welcome! I know there are some lines here and there that need rhythm work, and if anyone has suggestions on how to improve them, that'd be great. Perhaps there are words here and there that don't work as well as they should....there might be other things that I could improve upon as well. I definitely appreciate suggestions from other people, as I'm pretty brain-dead from contemplating it too long myself. :silent:

Let me know what you think!

(P.S. Did 'verily' happen to bring to mind any other particular scene...? ^^)
 
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Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
This was quite well written. I'm not a good poetry writer, I'm more of a short story type deal, but I know it somewhat needs rhythmic work. I still liked it, sometimes with the way I read it, I'd be cut off too short, or too long. Sometimes multiple lines wouldn't rhyme - and I know not all poems rhyme - but it threw off my sense of rhythm, too.
 

Sarianae

Infinite Dreamer
Joined
Nov 21, 2010
Location
Storybrooke, Maine
This was quite well written. I'm not a good poetry writer, I'm more of a short story type deal, but I know it somewhat needs rhythmic work. I still liked it, sometimes with the way I read it, I'd be cut off too short, or too long. Sometimes multiple lines wouldn't rhyme - and I know not all poems rhyme - but it threw off my sense of rhythm, too.
Thank you~ Do you think you could point out to me which lines threw you off? If you could tell me which ones I need to work on, I might be able to fix them up. Also, if you don't mind telling me which ones you think should be longer/shorter, that would be great too.

And thanks i-am-link, though it's not quite perfect~ ^^ I would like to try to perfect it if I can but it's not quite there yet....

::EDIT:: Have to make sure...everyone got the scene right?? I inlaid it with a ton of references.
 
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ChargewithSword

Zelda Dungeon's Critic
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Location
I don't want to say.
I believe your poem got a little repetitive in context and it drags on to become an info dump at times instead of being a bold claim and boast. However, the best of times are the best, these being the beginning and early middle which really act out as a poem and boast befit to a sort of montage which really helps act for build up. By the later parts though, the poem began to drag to the point where some build up was lost.
Your prose is excellent, and definitely works, though you style is somewhat messy when you seem to try rhyming. Your rhyme scheme is sound for the most part, with a few hiccups here and there, and some strange metres.
Overall, this is a good poem that could use some work to build upon but is overall a good read.
 

Sarianae

Infinite Dreamer
Joined
Nov 21, 2010
Location
Storybrooke, Maine
I believe your poem got a little repetitive in context and it drags on to become an info dump at times instead of being a bold claim and boast. However, the best of times are the best, these being the beginning and early middle which really act out as a poem and boast befit to a sort of montage which really helps act for build up. By the later parts though, the poem began to drag to the point where some build up was lost.
Your prose is excellent, and definitely works, though you style is somewhat messy when you seem to try rhyming. Your rhyme scheme is sound for the most part, with a few hiccups here and there, and some strange metres.
Overall, this is a good poem that could use some work to build upon but is overall a good read.
Do you think you could pinpoint which parts of the poem get repetitive so I could know where best to focus my efforts for revision? This would help a great deal.
 

Sarianae

Infinite Dreamer
Joined
Nov 21, 2010
Location
Storybrooke, Maine
No, the entirety of the 5th-8th.
I see....ok. I'll see how I can rework, crop and remove what's in those stanzas so that they may retain the power of the poem minus redundancy. Reshaping this will take some time....

Thank you for your input, I quite appreciate it. If I am able to fix this up, I will post it for evaluation a second time to see how it fairs then, though it will probably be a while before I do that.
 

ChargewithSword

Zelda Dungeon's Critic
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Location
I don't want to say.
I see....ok. I'll see how I can rework, crop and remove what's in those stanzas so that they may retain the power of the poem minus redundancy. Reshaping this will take some time....

Thank you for your input, I quite appreciate it. If I am able to fix this up, I will post it for evaluation a second time to see how it fairs then, though it will probably be a while before I do that.
I hope I was not too harsh, and I hope that you find creativity and enjoyment in the process.
 

Sarianae

Infinite Dreamer
Joined
Nov 21, 2010
Location
Storybrooke, Maine
I hope I was not too harsh, and I hope that you find creativity and enjoyment in the process.
You are blunt and straight to the point, but your analysis is square in stating the faults, and if I don't absorb such criticisms then I will not improve. So yes, thank you. I do get a lot of enjoyment out of creative writing in general, though I am experimenting with poetry right now.
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
Let me see...
Emerging before me in tyrannical glory,
Rise to claim your elevated place
Although it resolved itself in the rhyming scheme in the next line, I lost a good beat from there.
Yet pride a fool’s confidence and be lead astray;
You needed to add one more syllable to have made it sound smooth.
Empowers the nemesis sword you shall be meeting today.
I don't want to sound cruel, but this line was a train wreck in my mind when I was doing the beat. You needed to separate this line into two, otherwise it sounds like a lengthy sentence, not a rhythmic line.
Din is no master of Farore;
They eye each other critically,
With a fierceness of equal intensity,
Descent here from the heavens so high,
Far too short in each line. In fact, it sounds like you are describing them, instead of telling the tale of them.
You may gloat upon the air, basking in the cover of invincible wear,
Yet underestimation is a most cunning enemy to avoid in this lair.
The first line needs to be two different ones, as both rhyme, and you did do a correct comma like it was needed. The second was just far too long.
I shall hear you curse the day long ago you first stared down your nose and for what you saw sneered;
far too long. This had absolutely zero beat, it sounded like a well written sentence in a short story.
This world shall not miss you.
This final strike draws in name of every last soul.
Yet ragged and choking forth crimson,
Draw twinges of my pity at the brink of this goal.
Sorely shocked eyes hold mine own paralyzed,
Condemned upon who’s wretched kneeling figure withstands misery to lay,
Down the flesh at the verge of my blade must I grimace,
Now, you do a lot of these. You lose the beat, but are saved due to a well done rhyme. This time though, you only had one rhyme, and the rest of it collapsed.

Other than these little mistakes, it was quite well done. Keep up the good work.
 

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