Well, you asked for constructive criticsm from me. I hope you know what it means and are prepared to take it.
I will not sugarcoat it. There are a lot of problems with this story.
First of all, paragraph breaks. It is customary in writing dialogue to have breaks between speakers. Example:
"Hello," said Shadsie brightly as she barged into the Dungeon.
"Oh, hey!" greeted Kazumi, "How are you?"
This is easier to read than the spoken sentences running into one another.
(I will give you the benefit of the doubt, however, if the formatting problems are due to fanfiction dot net's system. It is notorious for messing up formatting on files if you don't watch it and don't go into the copies of the text you have on their system to edit).
Second of all, there is a part in this chapter where the narrative suddenly switches from first person to third person. It's at the point where Impa is showing Zelda her dresses.
Impa took a deep breath and lightly grabbed onto my shoulder. "Zelda.. I know that Link is one of your very best friends, and you haven't got to see him very much since he got back from his great journeys.. But the welcoming ceremony of our brand new Military General is a bit more important then.. Ummm.. Link..." Impa finished quietly. Bracing for a full on assault from Zelda. But it didn't happen. Zelda didn't say anything, though her teeth were clenched. She aggressively ripped one of the three dresses from Impa's right hand. She wiped around and slammed her door right in Impa's face. It was going to be a long morning.
The story goes from Zelda describing things from her perspective ("Impa lightly grabbed onto my shoulder") to "Zelda didn't say anything, blah, blah blah." Then, the next paragraph goes back to Zelda's first person perspective. This can be quite jarring to read. I'm sure this was just an oversight - I always have to watch myself when writing first person because I am most used to writing third person. Whenever you start a story in a particular narration style, you need to stick with it thorugh the entire text or at least through the entire chapter.
Thirdly (and this is the criticism I've been dreading)... the Mary Sue. You come right out and have an important new general show up with your username (or the username of your favorite character?) and a description of their oh-so-chic clothing (miniskirts in Hyrule?)
Now, I don't know if you are familiar with the term "Mary Sue." In fanfiction culture circles, it is genreally a derogatory term for a character that is a better, prettier, stronger, more wonderful version of the author - an author avatar, if you will. There is some debate over what constitues a "true Mary Sue." For those on the extreme end, it tends to be "any original character I do not like," but to most people, Mary Sue is a self-insert character.
Not that self-insert characters and author cameos are *always* bad, it's just that most of them are *not* well-received except by other unashamed Mary Sue authors or by the personal friends of the author. They don't appeal to a wide audience and the "snarkers" will rip you to shreds for them. Having a Mary Sue in a story is generally seen as a mark of poor quality.
Now, most fanfiction authors who have been around a while have written Mary Sues at one point or another, usually because "they know not what they do," but occasionally, on purpose. I once drew a really horrible Trigun fancomic I posted online that was chock full of Mary Sues *on purpose* (The comic was specifically done as an extension of an inside joke between myself and a bunch of friends - I made us all assassins with superpowers and a good time was had by all because it was never anything I meant as serious literature, nor to be viewed by a wide audience).
Saving your self-insert: If you wish to have a fictional version of yourself as a cameo in a story, there are some ways to keep them out of "Mary Suedom" for *most* people. (Self-insert and there will be people who deride your story as "Mary Sue fic" no matter what you do). If you don't spend a lot of time describing their perfect features - pretty hair, pretty eyes, or clothing that is out of place for the world/era you are writing, the character will not scream "Sue!" quite as much. Also, NEVER have them overshadow the canon characters in anything - skill, looks, talent or screentime. Have them off in the sidelines.
I managed to put a character that was loosely based upon myself in my big co-written fic "The Great Desert" and no one seemed to notice. Can you find her? She appears very briefly in the story, does one task in help to the Hero, then is never seen or heard from again.
The good I have to say:
The story does have the makings to be cute. Zelda will have to go through interesting measures to get Link to open up to her.
I thought her tying him to the bed and drilling him on his adventures in Termina was funny.
All I can say is that needs some work. I'm hoping I was not too harsh, but I am honestly interested in giving helpful writing advice.
And I have been a fan fiction writer for about ten years now.
