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Zelda Art (Mini Novel) Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Goddess'

The Jade Fist

Kung Fu Master
Joined
Jul 17, 2012
Current draft line
This is still a work in progress, and it will be very long, so please bear with me. At this stage in a draft I'm dividing up and organized sections to which I'll add in as I go

Reason for writing this? Well I'm trying to give myself a full length story writing experience before I start on some other full length novels I've wanted to write for years. So please feel free to leave feed back on how I can improve this.
Such as, I feel a bit awkward with my opening. Such as I have pretty solid idea of many major plot points, its simply filling the space in-between with character development I feel I might end up a bit lacking on, but I guess we'll see, its been a very long time since i've actually written anything. Now the prologue isn't really supposed to have any character, its simply giving some vital information to help set up the story.
Prologue:
{Overview of the Hyrule and Neighboring nations political turmoil
{ The end of the war, 1 man denies an army
Chapter 1, A King is Born
{Abic's Upbringing
{Zelda's Early childhood
{Links family history
{Its a boy

Chapter 2 Training
{Abic Starts his training (Age 16)
{Zelda undergoes her Sheikah training (Age 13)
{Link's is knighted (Age 16)
{Ganondorf is crowned (Age 15)

Chapter 3 The Defiant
{Abic defies his life as a slave (Age 17)
{Gannondorf and his tribe raids Hylian territorial out posts (Age 16)
{Link fights for his life in the desert territories (Age 17)

Chapter 4 Power Contested
{Abic Rises to Power, forming new Empire
{Gannondorf Continues his attacks against the Hylians as well as the Alesians
{Link Recovers from his injuries back in Hyrule


Chapter 5 When Powers Meet
{Gannondorf's Tribe and the Aleisans are now in an official state of war (Age Abic 18)
{Abic defeats the Gerudo, and nearly kills Gannondorf
{Abic annexes the Gerudo into the Erallis Empire
{Abic annexes many other cities/ tribes into the Erallis Empire

Chapter 6 There are Other Forms of Power
{Gannondorf plans his next steps, and researches old magics
{Abic stuides sacred text of the Gerudo, as well as other texted stolen from other cultures by the Gerudo
{Zelda Learns of her possession of the Triforce of Wisdom
{Link Obtains the Master Sword (Age 19)


Chapter 7 Border Conflict
{The expansion of the Erallis Empire now clashes with the Kingdom of Hyrule, and the bloody history between the Hylian and the Alesians is mirrored

Chapter 8 The Proposal
{Abic Proposes a peace treaty with Hyrule, and surprises everyone.

Chapter 9 The Marriage
{The War conflict between the Hylian and Alesians has come to a stop
{Zelda is not happy
{She dons her sheikah apparel and vanish into night
{Link Receives a letter
{Gannondorf summons a mysterious girl

Characters:
Abic Shadar :
Gender M
Race: Human, Alesian
Skin: Tan
Hair: Dark Brown
Eyes: Red
Height: 5' 6''
Body Type: Muscular and Stalky
Plot Role: Main Pro/Antagonist , Main character of interest in this story, and has the biggest influence over the plot
Personality: A fairly serious guy, but not 100% so, due to his childhood he cares deeply for the lower classes , and believes in a just and balanced political stand point, but isn't afraid to get his hands dirty and deceive/ manipulate others in order to advance his own goals. He exhibits both good and evil tendencies, and is as constructive as he is detrimental to the world around him. He believes his goals justify the means.

Gannondorf:
Gender M
Race: Human, Gerudo
Skin : Tan
Hair: Orange
Eyes: Brown
Height: 6' 6''
Body Type: Muscular and slender
Plot Role: Secondary/ Main true antagonist
Personalty: Craves Power, He has always gotten what he wanted, and when he can't he'll kill for it. He's the king of thieves, He emanates authority . He's greedy, but also considers his allies to be his assets, in that since he does care about his followers.

Zelda:
Gender F
Race: Human, Hylian.
Skin: fair and Caucasian
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
Height 6'
Body Type: Slender and flat chested (yes thats actually important in this story)
Plot Role: Amongst the protagonist, although she does cause some trouble her self. A main character, and the focus of Abic's efforts.
Personalty: Very serious and stubborn, methodical, scheming, patient / Sheikah alter ego.

Link:
Gender: M
Race: Human, Hylian
Skin: fair and cacassian
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
Height: 6'
Body: Muscular and athletic
Plot Role: amongst the protagonist, He's a Hylian knight whose family has served the royal family for generations. Follows the orders of Zelda, and undergoes private missions for her. Other notes, suffered a crushed throat, in a battle and looses his ability to speak.
Personalty: Serious and duty driven, and very determined individual

Notyou
Gender: F
Race: Demon
Hair: White
Skin: mostly gray, with red and black ridged patterns
Eyes: Yellow
Height : 5' 6''
Plot Role: "Other forms of power". Semi love interest of Gannon. She teaches him blood magic. And helps him build his new army.
Personalty: joking and semi sadistic, "Harley Quin-Esque". Selfish and greedy, but would also do anything for her love.

--------------------
Minor Characters of note.
Duncan Melaih /The Blue Reaper
Gender: M
Race: Human, Alesian
Plot Role: The Legendary Blue Reaper, who passes on his sword art and magics to Abic. Some what of a father figure for Abic.
Personalty: Humble, sarcastic

General Ordonis
Older (60 ish years of age) Hylian General, recognizes the fighting style of the blue reaper in Abic.
Male, Short gray hair.
=================================================================================================


Prologue:
Once apon a time, there were 2 great nations, who lived near each other, separated by a desert. But that separation was not enough to prevent much hatred and blood shed between them throughout the years. To the east was the King of Hyrule, its population consisted mostly of a race of people known as the Hylians; these Hylians were of a fairer skin, and had long pointed ears. To the west, the nation of Aleasia, its population was of a race of people called the Alesian; these Alesian, were of a dark skin, and had small rounded ears, and red or orange eyes.

In the past generation, there was a great war between the nations, dragging many neighboring tribes and city states into their conflict. The Hylians sought to expand their territory, the Alesian sought the same. Wars between the 2 nations had been fought countless times, for countless reason. This latest war how ever, was started by Hyrule invading Aleasian territory. Given the hatreds both races possess for each other, how ever there was little need for an actual reason to fight.

The Hylian forces had successfully gained control over most of Aleasia and pushed the remain forces of the Aleasian army to their capital city of Era. Hylian victory over the Alesian seamed a certainty. Sometimes in these wars certain individuals, have gained such status to be considered a hero and champion by their allies and a living nightmare for their enemies, this was true for both sides of the war.

There was 1 Aleasian, whose identity was never known, he was solely known as The Blue Reaper. Infront of the city gates to Era, he fought unceasingly, and valiantly. He was as a god amongst mortals, as described by the Hylian and Aleasian alike. As battle for Era raged on, he found himself to be the only one left alive out side the gates. For 6 days he fought on alone. For 6 days Hylians died. For 6 days the Hylians gained no ground. By the 7th day the Hylian Generals decided to continue the fighting would be pointless, counting their 3000 dead all at the hands of a single man.

"That man gave us everything to defend his home, and it was more then we could bare, to continue the siege, would be to waste lives, and to dishonor his valiance, when a man fights that hard, he's earned his the right to keep his home." Claimed the Hylian General in Charge of the siege.

The Hylian forces returned to Hyrule, abandoning their claim on the Alesian territory they seized. Although Aleasia was spared from under the flag of Hyrule, it had become devastated and shattered, to the point it would never fully recover, and many former territories and tribes become nations of their own.

Another generation of hatred continues.
 
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I thought this piece was alright, The Jade Fist, but nothing more. I realize you desire constructive criticism, however, I'm not sure what you desire the threshold to be. That said, I'm going to tear your piece apart in traditional style.

Whenever you type a number under 10, it's suggested you write it out completely like "one", "six", "seventh" in your piece.

There appears to be a lot of repetition in your piece. I realize you're not a professional and that some of it is intentional for parallel structure but nevertheless I believe it can be toned down a bit. Take the sentence, "The Hylians sought to expand their territory, the Alesian sought the same. Wars between the 2 nations had been fought countless times, for countless reason", for example. It bluntly carries across your point and could be greatly enriched by substituting in synonyms.

When quoting the Hylian general don't place a period after the end of the quotation marks but rather a comma with the subsequent word lowercase.

Overall a good effort and I look forward to reading more of this in the future.
 

Ganondork

goo
Joined
Nov 12, 2010
I thought that this was an overall alright venture. I wasn't very immersed in any of the writing you did; you didn't even take the time to explain pieces of the fight. I personally prefer to describe parts of the battle, rather than paraphrasing. It helps to expand upon what is already a dreadfully small prologue. Remember, it's better to have longer chapters, and a shorter quantity, than to have shorter ones, but more chapters.

A Link In Time said:
Whenever you type a number under 10, it's suggested you write it out completely like "one", "six", "seventh" in your piece.

I personally do it for all numbers, excluding dates. This is a little trick that I use in order to lengthen my writing pieces. It doesn't do much, but it slightly helps here and there.

With that kept in mind, I'm not a fan of your terminology. It seems too informal, and childish, for that matter. Your word choice no doubt needs work; I'm not stressing eloquence - although I'm an enormous fan of it - but formal writing is definitely a must whenever it comes to writing. I can only suggest going through a thesaurus when you feel a word is too informal, and using words that the thesaurus offers. That's how I managed to build up my vocabulary as well, which can be very useful when you are writing consistently.
 

The Jade Fist

Kung Fu Master
Joined
Jul 17, 2012
Sorry, I'll work on this more this weekend. At least thru chapter 1.

And I could go back over the prologue i wasn't overly happy with it. Its been several years since I've actually done any real writing, and the internet has dumbed me down, I'll have to try to unlearn my typing habits.

edit:

And as the prologue, I didn't/ dont intend to go over the past war, in too much detail. Its merely to set the stage for the current events, how ever details of it will be explained by survivors of said war, as its relevant to the plot in the future.
 
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