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General Art Lost Empire


Junior Junior Member
Hello. I'm writing a story for our school writing fair in May. I haven't done much work on the actual story, but I have done a lot for the back story of the world and what I plan to do with it. I made a rough draft of about a third of the first chapter, and was hoping I could get some feedback and criticism.

The link is here.

A more detailed, but still not complete, version of the back story and world is Here. https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0BwKpQzy4G-q1MXFyRFdFc0lCSFk/edit?usp=sharing

Please tell me what you think.
Last edited:


Nov 12, 2010
It's alright. I think that you focus on the backstory in perfect amounts, but details of the surroundings are severely lacking. I have no image in my head, and that's a huge detriment to any writer's piece. In addition, I noticed the spelling and grammatical errors that were strewn throughout the story. Lines like,

Guy said:
The Ruber’s were greedy and deceitful...
...and if they are not to be inforced...

These mistakes will be noticed by the judges who read your piece, so it'd be best if you went back over your writing carefully.

In addition, I found your sentences to be weak for a number of reasons. For one, you don't have a colorful vocabulary. I don't stress eloquence, but it doesn't hurt to have a thesaurus or Thesaurus.com handy when writing. A few awkward sentences here and there were noticeable as well.

Guy said:
Edge got up from his seat, to be replaced by Derem.

Could be changed to,

Example said:
Edge got up from his seat, which Derem then sat in.

It took me a moment to understand what exactly you meant. I understood what you meant after a moment, but you want to be precise with your writing.

Guy said:
Night, it was still, ...

This was just an awkward-looking sentence from the moment I read it. Almost seemed like Yoda from Star Wars was narrating this story for a moment.

Edge got up from his seat, to be replaced by Derem. “If you feel that of regret then leave. We don’t need cowards to drag us down.” “Drag you down from what?”asked Derem. “ The only thing fought here is disease, never Gregendales. We’re all wasting our time here, waiting for something that will never show up.” “You could never return to your old life Derem,” snapped out Edge in anger. “ You’ve lost too much of that stomach to feel at home.”

This in its entirety confused me. You need to make a new paragraph when another person speaks. You already know that from what I can tell, which is why I'm so confused.

It's an alright story, but it could use plenty of work.

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