General Art Keith's Poetry Thread

[Ganondork]

Hey guys, I know I am not that serious all the time, but I sat down today and decided to write a poem. Poetry isn't my strong area, but I felt adventurous today, and I had the creative inspiration to compose something that really speaks to me. I hope you enjoy.

Howling at a concrete moon,
My soul smells like a dead pigeon after three weeks.
I shut my window and go to sleep.
In my dream I eat corn with my eyes.

 

[the_miserable]

It is interesting.... I would say it doesn't flow well and language confuses me and makes me raise an eyebrow. it is poetry I dont like. But it is me. Just keep pounding the poems out. My fist ones were awful.

 

[Kybyrian]

That's honestly one of the least profound pieces of poetry I've ever seen.

It doesn't appear like other poetry. Typically you see verses like this in a lot of famous poetry, but this seems contrived. It's like you purposely wanted to make something that spoke to you and instead of letting it flow forced it came up with something that seemed on the surface to have deep and serious meaning, but in reality it was just a veil you threw over a feeling rather than a ticket to a show that plays it out for you.

 

[Wolf Sage]

Kybyrian's post is one of the most poetic things I've ever read. Although yours is neat, too, Keith-chan...

 

[TatlTails]

...Excuse me, I have to channel Dagger to properly describe how I feel.

What the **** did I just read?!

 

[CynicalSquid]

Grade-A writing, Keith.

You should publish this. :yes:

 

[Sheik]

It may not seem like it, but this poem by our lovely friend Keef holds many secret, deep meanings and messages.

Howling at a concrete moon

As seen by the rest of the poem, the character described, or I'll just call him Keef, has made many a mistake in his past. Wolves howl when they are caused anxiety by a dear friend being seperated from them. This means that Keef is howling at the moon because he is serperated from it. But why would he be seperated from the moon? The moon is always there. However, look at how Keef describes it: concrete. Concrete is hard, strong, sturdy and durable. Keef has been separated from his strength, seperated from his fullmetal heart that he once had. He is howling at the concrete moon because the moon has the sort of independent power and wisdom, what Keef had before they were corrupted.

My soul smells like a dead pigeon after three weeks.

Dead pigeons smell, especially after three weeks. You know what else smells? Dirty SOULS. Keef's soul has been dirtied and tainted, and is in great need of cleansing and purification.

I shut my window and go to sleep.

This may seem like a typical "going to bed", but it's not. Keef is shutting his window, a.k.a. his connection and brotherhood with family and society. He is going to sleep, or as it really is, going into eternal sleep. Yes... Keef has committed suicide.

In my dream I eat corn with my eyes.

Corn is nourishment and food, and the Keef is eating it with his eyes. Well... Have you heard of the urban term, "eye candy"? This is alike. The key difference is that while candy is just for pleasure and doesn't really increase health and well being, corn does just that. This means he has laid eyes upon something that is pleasing, and healthy for them-- something after death. He had found true happiness even after life ended. He has found the true sight of pride, after all that was lost in his mortal life.

KEEF 4 NEXT EMILY D.

 

[TheRationalDove]

I like the uniqu imagery in this poem a lot. There is a lot of specific detail in it and that draws me to it. However, I feel like there is a large sense of disjointedness.Like, I don't feel grounded in the poem nor do I have a sense of conclusion when I finish it. These aren't necessarily things you have to fix but they are some area to work on if you need a place to start from when editing. Overall, great job and I hope to see more work from you.

 

[Sydney]

That's enough 4chan for tonight, Keef. Time for bed.

(that was uh... int...est...ing?)

 

[Mido]

KEEF 4 NEXT EMILY D.

I have to say, Keith. I think your "dis-structure" per say, is what makes the poem good. It's one of it's strong points. Like Dickinson! Good parallel there, Mr. Flygon!

As for anything else, I would say that the message in the poem is cool, or at least what I'm perceiving from it. (It's similar to Flygon's poetic analysis, with some slight differences. Since I don't want to start a poetry debate, I'll leave it at that!) Your use of the simile is solid, and do like how the persona in your poem is likened to that of a wolf. :yes: However, I also feel like the disjointed structure in topics of the lines is a bit of a weakness there. Like Kybyrian said, it felt rather "forced or contrived." I just felt like the poem's verses seems jumbled up and had irrelevancies to the rest of the poem. Transitions seemed rather stiff to me. (Mainly the move into the 2nd-3rd Line)

Overall, Keith, I really enjoyed the poem, actually! You seem to have a highly solid grip on the use of simple language as a powerful descriptor; personification; and your simile use. For things to work on, I would perhaps try to make your "disjointed style" have more consistence in the verse. Good work, sir!