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Joke, Anybody?

Deku man

Just another nobody......
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Location
Connecticut
Wanna hear a joke?
A person's car broke down, and he sees a man and asks him for fuel. The man takes him to his car, then opens the trunk. Inside, is a purple monkey. The man says "Alright, I need to go get some fuel, and I'll be right back, but whatever you do, don't touch the purple monkey!" So after the man walks away, the person has to touch the purple monkey. Well, the monkey goes bezerk and breaks out of the cage. The person runs far away, across a field, through a forest, over a big rock, and across a river. The monkey was still chasing him, so he pushed a guy off his bike. He rode across a field, through a forest, over a big rock, and across a river. The person gets really tired, so he jumps on a man's back. THat man takes him across a field, through a forest, over a big rock, and across a river. He arrives a an airport. He buys a ticket to Asia, and gets on the plane. After taking off, he looks out the window, and sees the purple monkey swimming across the ocean. As soon as the plane landed, the man ran outside, and the monkey continued chasing him. The man was chased all the way to the top of a high mountain. The man stops to think at the top. I could jump or get killed. I think I'll jump. As the man prepared the jump the monkey catches up to him (Scroll Down)




















And says, "Tag, you're it" Get it? Did you like it?:xd:
 

Swordbomb

Doktor Assisted Homicide
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Location
Dustbowl
Gender
If you can't read this, you're blind.
i was expecting a killer monkey not a game play monkey!
 

Sasuke Uchiha

The Crimson Alchemist
Joined
Jun 14, 2010
Location
Nevada
I have a few good Zelda jokes.

1. Link and Epona are walking down a path when they find a giant pit. They began throwing rocks and boulders down but none of them make a sound. Finally, they throw down a railroad tie to see if it really is bottomless. But then, a goat goes flying forward at 100MPH and jumps headfirst into the pit. Then a farmer walks up and says, "Did you see my goat?" "Well, a goat just jumped down this pit." they say. "No, it couldn't be mine then." the farmer says. "My goat was tied to a railroad tie."
2. How do you drive a Goron insane? :goron:
Ask him to alphabetize some M&Ms.
 

Michael Heide

The 8th Wise Man
Joined
Oct 15, 2010
Location
Cologne, Germany
A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what.
"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.
"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."
They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is."
The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?"
"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.
"See, I told you," the blind woman said.
Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."
At that, the woman shook her head, and said...
"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear."

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer programmer were each asked to "prove" that all odd numbers are prime.
The mathematician says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, and seven's a prime. Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."
The physicist says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine... well, we'll just throw that one out as experimental error, eleven's a prime, and thirteen's a prime. Therefore, empirical evidence suggests that all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says, "Well, three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime, eleven's a prime, thirteen's a prime, fifteen's a prime..." He goes on for a while until the other three shut him up.
Finally, the computer programmer says:
  • Three's a prime.
  • Five's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • ...
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."
The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."
Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty."

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says "Wait, stop! I dropped an electron!"
The other says "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"


The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? "With you? Get real."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it'll be. The bartender replies: "For you? No charge!"

A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink named Steve?"

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "I think someone committed a typo".

Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!"

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

Did you hear about the deaf guy? Neither did he.

A speaker at the Blond Convention set out to prove that the Dumb Blonde trope is a myth, so he picks out a pretty young thing from the audience. He says, "Ma'am, can you tell me what 212 x 4 is?"
She thinks about it for a minute, and says, "500?"
The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
So he asks her, "What is 6 x 7?" and again she thinks about it before answering, "45?"
The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
"One more, time, then: what is 2 + 2?" She thinks carefully before hesitantly replying, "4?"
The crowd says "Give her another chance!"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interru-
MOO!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A kid with ADD.
A kid wi-
Hey, let's play Four Swords!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting vuvuzela.
Interputing vuvu-
Bzzzzz!

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Moo.
Moo Who?
Make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?

Highlight this post to reveal the following answers:

What goes "clip-clop clip-clop bang clip-clop clip-clop"?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Paint it green, hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Tickle it pink, paint it green, hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a purple elephant?


Don't be silly. There are no purple elephants!

How does every racist joke begin?
You look to the left, you look to the right, you look behind you, and then you lean in closely and whisper, "Hey, do you want to hear a joke?"
How do you call an African-American who just graduated med school?
A doctor, you racist!
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. He just holds it in place while the whole world revolves around him.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
How many Siths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Because they prefer the Dark Side.
Only one, but he needs to be careful, or this could get weird.
How many time travelers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many standardized tests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
B
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Its some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey, let's play Four Swords!
How many Resident Evil characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but they'll have to make the bulb by hand from eight different parts.

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But it takes ten episodes, two level ups, Piccolo and all the other characters dying and getting revived, and someone getting pecks the size of tires to do it.
How many Pokemon characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, the number changes every year.
How many NPCs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?


How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they can't both fit in a lightbulb.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist yet.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
Why did the duck cross the road?
To prove he's no chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other ... oh ... wait ...
Why did the crossover writer cross the road?
To change a light bulb in a bar.
 

Swordbomb

Doktor Assisted Homicide
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Location
Dustbowl
Gender
If you can't read this, you're blind.
A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what.
"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.
"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."
They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is."
The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?"
"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.
"See, I told you," the blind woman said.
Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."
At that, the woman shook her head, and said...
"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear."

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer programmer were each asked to "prove" that all odd numbers are prime.
The mathematician says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, and seven's a prime. Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."
The physicist says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine... well, we'll just throw that one out as experimental error, eleven's a prime, and thirteen's a prime. Therefore, empirical evidence suggests that all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says, "Well, three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime, eleven's a prime, thirteen's a prime, fifteen's a prime..." He goes on for a while until the other three shut him up.
Finally, the computer programmer says:

  • Three's a prime.
  • Five's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • Seven's a prime.
  • ...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."
The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."
Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty."

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says "Wait, stop! I dropped an electron!"
The other says "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"


The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? "With you? Get real."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it'll be. The bartender replies: "For you? No charge!"

A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink named Steve?"

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "I think someone committed a typo".

Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!"

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

Did you hear about the deaf guy? Neither did he.

A speaker at the Blond Convention set out to prove that the Dumb Blonde trope is a myth, so he picks out a pretty young thing from the audience. He says, "Ma'am, can you tell me what 212 x 4 is?"
She thinks about it for a minute, and says, "500?"
The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
So he asks her, "What is 6 x 7?" and again she thinks about it before answering, "45?"
The crowd says "Give her another chance!"
"One more, time, then: what is 2 + 2?" She thinks carefully before hesitantly replying, "4?"
The crowd says "Give her another chance!"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interru-
MOO!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A kid with ADD.
A kid wi-
Hey, let's play Four Swords!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting vuvuzela.
Interputing vuvu-
Bzzzzz!

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Moo.
Moo Who?
Make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?

Highlight this post to reveal the following answers:

What goes "clip-clop clip-clop bang clip-clop clip-clop"?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a green elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Paint it green, hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Tickle it pink, paint it green, hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a purple elephant?


Don't be silly. There are no purple elephants!

How does every racist joke begin?
You look to the left, you look to the right, you look behind you, and then you lean in closely and whisper, "Hey, do you want to hear a joke?"
How do you call an African-American who just graduated med school?
A doctor, you racist!
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. He just holds it in place while the whole world revolves around him.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
How many Siths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Because they prefer the Dark Side.
Only one, but he needs to be careful, or this could get weird.
How many time travelers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many standardized tests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
B
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. No, two. No, four. No, eight...
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Its some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey, let's play Four Swords!
How many Resident Evil characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but they'll have to make the bulb by hand from eight different parts.

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But it takes ten episodes, two level ups, Piccolo and all the other characters dying and getting revived, and someone getting pecks the size of tires to do it.
How many Pokemon characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, the number changes every year.
How many NPCs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?
How many NPCs does it take to change a light bulb?


How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they can't both fit in a lightbulb.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn't exist yet.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
Why did the duck cross the road?
To prove he's no chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the other ... oh ... wait ...
Why did the crossover writer cross the road?
To change a light bulb in a bar.

awesome highlight jokes(tcl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
 

athenian200

Circumspect
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Location
a place of settlement, activity, or residence.
Joke 1:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.“

Joke 2:


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said,

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
 

Deku man

Just another nobody......
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Location
Connecticut
Yes, my first successful thread! This one I found straight up hilarious, but I don't think many will find this as funny as I did.

A king ventures into another country with 100,000 of his men. They set up camp and went to sleep. When they woke up, 50,000 of the men had died. The king noticed a knight in black armor, riding around in circles on a horse. The king was suspicious, but kept on travelling. The men once again set up camp, and slept. When they woke up, another 30,000 died (20,000 left). Again, the black knight was riding around in circles near the camp. The king was very suspicious now, but wanted to get some more sleep, as it was only 2:00 in the morning. He woke up, and 19,999 of his men died. It was only the king and one man. He saw the black knight riding around in circles. The king snapped "HAVE YOU BEEN KILLING MY MEN?" (Highlight below)
"No"
 
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EternalNocturne

Fluffy hair!
Joined
Jun 15, 2010
Location
Skyloft
2. How do you drive a Goron insane? :goron:
Ask him to alphabetize some M&Ms.

LOL! That is hilarious! XD Here, I have one:

There was a guy at a bar. He was just staring at his drink for the longest while, at least an hour or so.

All of a sudden, a trouble-making truck driver comes up to him and snatches the drink from him. He gulps it all down. The poor man looks at him with wide eyes and then starts crying. The truck driver, surprised, reacts with,

"Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man cry."

The other guy responds: "No, it's not that. Today's the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, and I end up coming in late to work. My boss gets really mad and then fires me. When I leave the building to get to my car, I find out that it's been stolen. I tried calling the police but they said that they can't do anything about it. I get a cab to come home, but when I leave it, I remember that I left my wallet and credit cards in there. The cab driver just drives away.

I open up the door to my house and find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

Sasuke Uchiha

The Crimson Alchemist
Joined
Jun 14, 2010
Location
Nevada
Here's some jokes I made up just now.
( I'm putting a Zelda spin on all of the below jokes.)

1. Three female Hylians :) found a magic mirror which said it would grant their wish if they told a true thing that they think, but if they lied they'd explode. A black haired Hylian said that she thinks that she was the prettiest girl in the world and a brown haired Hylian said that she thought that she was the smartest girl in the world and they both got their wishes. Then a blonde haired Hylian woman stepped up and said, "I think...". She exploded. (lolz, blonde joke)
2. Their's a Hylian :), Zoran :zora: and a Goron :goron: in a train. They realize that they're being trailed by evil robbers and have to throw the least important thing to them out of the train to be plundered if they want a chance of survival. The Goron :goron: throws out a rock and says, "We have many of these in my country, it means nothing." The Zora :zora: throws out some fish and says the same. Then all that's left to throw out is some milk, so the Hylian :) throws the Goron :goron: out and says, "We have many of these in our country. He means nothing."
3. The Zora's :zora: created a musical course for Gorons :goron: , where they teach them how to sing. First off, the Zoras started with a simple exercise. "Repeat after me they said." followed by, "Me, Me , Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me." they sang.
"You, You, You, You, You, You, You." the Gorons repeated.

Lol, that's my fourth Goron joke in this thread.
 
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Sasuke Uchiha

The Crimson Alchemist
Joined
Jun 14, 2010
Location
Nevada
For the guy who gave me the bad rep in my last post, I meant I made up the Zelda Version, not the original joke. And now my rep is bad. ;_;
 

insanity76

I don't suffer from it ..
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Location
Texas
Q: Why did the Gerudo lock up the 4 carpenters?

A: Because they were fed up with men using the pick up line "Are you a thief? Because you just stole my heart."
 

ZRetsirk

MUWAHAHA!! ß ) ∑ Π []
Joined
Jul 21, 2010
Location
up yo nose
Yo momma so fat that when she went out with high heels she came back with flip flops.

Yo momma so stupid that she tripped over a wireless phone.

Yo momma so stupid that she through a ball at the ground and missed. (i made up that one lol)
 

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