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General Art I'm Writing a Book!

Zelda-Rocks

The King of all Rocks
Joined
Nov 12, 2011
Location
Death Mountain
I'm writing a book, it's called Mage of Fire. I only have abot 25 pages of it, but i would like to hear what you think about!
Heroes of Galera
Mage of Fire

By Elijah D. Boyd
Prologue



My name is Darren, Darren Fellowgood, but don’t tell anybody that. I’m apprentice to Master Yan, one of the greatest wizards of all time. I live on Galera, the largest continent on earth. To be exact I live in Woodland Village, a town of tree houses. Woodland Village is located at the base of Mount Oyset. All of the buildings, (except the forge. Go figure) are built in trees. The apartment complex was built around the biggest tree. Its 345 feet tall and 70 feet wide. Okay, let’s get to the story shall we?
I



It was a peaceful day in Woodland Village. The draigonflies were flying around the honey shop. The woodland geckos were sticking to the bottom of the treehouses. And the corvons* were grazing in the fields. And I was being chased by three students from the war academy. If I didn’t lose them soon I would be late for my lesson with Master Yan. I turned a corner. Dead end. This wasn’t right! It was supposed to lead to the market! I turned around to go back, but the knight academy students were blocking my path.
“Hey, Darren. Think you could get away?” the biggest one sneered.
“Yeah,” I said coolly.
“Well, looks like your lucks run out. You may have been able to escape us before, but not this time.” Said the shortest one.
“I guess so,” I said sarcastically. (*Now is one of those times to use the index.)
Then I raised my staff and said “Kell F’ha” and a red stream of light shot out of the end of my staff. The red light hit the three chainmail-clad students and knocked them over.

“Bye,” I said sweetly and ran past them.
“Get back here!” They shouted.
I laughed. They thought they were so tough.
I sure showed them, I thought. I ran to the market, careful to go the right way this time. I stopped to buy a honey-cake to eat, and then continued towards the apartment complex. When I got there I went up the 185 steps to the 7th floor. I walked to the third door on the left and knocked.
“Come in, come in,” a voice on the other side of the door. I opened the door and walked inside. This apartment had only two rooms, a kitchen and a bedroom.
“Hello? Master Yan?” I called into the apartment.
“Hello, Darren. Here for today’s lesson, I suppose?” Master Yan asked.
“Yes, Master,” I replied.
“Very well, but there is a tinnsy weensy problem. You, Darren, are five minutes late.” Yan said with the slightest hint of a smile. Beck, my Blue Phoenix, who was standing on the windowsill, chirped.
“Sorry master. Some students from the wart academy held me up.”
“The correct term is war academy, Darren.”
“Yes, master.”
“So, let’s try the freeze spell again, shall we?”
“Yes master.”
Master Yan walked into the kitchen and then came back with a live mouse.
“I caught him this morning,” Yan said obviously referring to the mouse.”
I raised my staff and said: “H’ra Jhenn” and the mouse froze.
“Good work Darren.” Master Yan said.
“Thanks master.”
We kept practicing spells all afternoon. After awhile we stopped for lunch.
“Hmm, that’s strange.” Yan said
“What?” I asked
“It’s very quiet outside. Usually it’s very loud.”
Suddenly the door burst open. In the doorway stood three ogres, wearing dragonore armor.
“What do you want?” Yan said angrily.
“Herral du kuk.” The biggest one said.
“Master,” I whispered. “What did it say?”
“I don’t know,” Yan whispered back. “I don’t speak ogrish.”
The three ogres tied our hands behind our backs and put sacks on our heads.
“Ow,” I said as one of the ogres picked me up.
I heard footsteps and more ogrish.
“Ya Darr du kuk.” An ogre said.
“Bwu.” Another ogre said.
I heard more footsteps and a door creaking. Then I felt a sharp pain on my head then, I blacked out.



Ii



When I awoke I couldn’t see anything. At first I thought I must have eye problems, but then realized there was a sack on my head.
“Help!” I screamed “Master! Anybody! Help!”
Then someone threw me on the ground.
“Hij guk Darr! Hij guk!” Someone said.
Ogrish, I thought.
Someone ripped the sack off my head. I saw lots of ogres, several huts made of animal hides and a huge bonfire. He couldn’t see Master Yan anywhere. There also was a crude gallows next to the bonfire.
“Are you going to EAT ME!?!” I screamed.
No reply.
“Oh my gosh. THEY ARE GOING TO EAT ME!”
An ogre picked me up and carried me towards the gallows. I realized how they were going to kill me. I was going to be hanged over the fire. They are going to cook me and kill me at the same time. Crude, but effective.
“HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP!” I screamed. The ogre put the rope around my neck. But then something blue flew at the rope, cutting it. Beck! In all the commotion I had forgotten my Blue Phoenix. I fell towards the fire “Resh do’ha” The fire flew from the fireplace. I landed and viewed the scene. The ogres were throwing rocks at Beck. She was dodging the rocks and diving at the ogres. I crept towards the one of the tents. Inside the tent were two crude sleeping bags made of swampshark skin, a clay urn with some liquid spilling from it, three large hammers and my staff. I picked up my staff. I peeked outside. Beck was nowhere in sight and the ogres were carrying a large sack towards the Spider Woods. The Spider Woods is a horrible forest full of giant arachnids.
I crept up behind the ogres. No one goes to the Spider Woods. No one!

. . . . .

As the ogres kept moving they were surrounded by giant spiders. One of the ogres said “Du t Arkinet.” The spiders let them pass. They also followed the ogres. So did I. as they moved deeper into the woods, more and more spiders joined them, until you could barely see the ogres. I followed them until they stopped outside a misty cave. There were webs all around and inside the cave. I guessed this was where all the spiders lived. The spiders entered the cave some of the ogres stayed outside, but the one carrying the sack and two others went in. beck landed on my shoulder. Just as I was about to sprint for the cave, something touched my back. I turned around and saw a giant spiders face!
“Arrg!” I screamed. I pointed my staff at it and said: “Pyrod byu!” and the spider caught fire.
I ran towards the cave, blasting the ogres as I ran. I stopped out side the cave, and then went in.

. . . . .

The cave was very dark. There were bones everywhere. I heard an awful crunching sound, like bones breaking. I rounded a corner and saw the back of a spider. I hid behind some sucked-to-death corpse. I heard awful screams. I needed to see more. I looked up. There were a lot of spider webs on the walls and ceiling. I grabbed one. It felt strong enough to hold me. I climbed up.

. . . . .

As many of you may know ogres are not the smartest of creatures, (I bet the average beetle has more brains) so none of them saw me as I climbed to a ledge above them. I looked down off the ledge. The ogres and spiders were standing in a half-circle shape around a large hole in the wall. The hole was covered in corpses and bones. And sticking out of the hole was the head of the largest spider I have ever seen. It must have been 5 feet tall, and that’s just the head. And it was sucking juices out of Master Yan!

. . . . .

I had to get master yan out of there! But how? If I jumped off this ledge the ogres and spiders will attack me. I figured I would die, but I can’t just stand here! Just as I was about to jump, master yan looked up at me and mouthed, “Don’t.”, then he yelled “Go tell the White Wolves of this monster! They will help you stop it!” and then he cried out in agony and died.
I almost screamed but then thought better of it. Master Yan had given his life for me, so I had better go tell these white wolves, whoever they were. I climbed off the ledge and ran out of the cave towards the exit of the forest. I ran through the empty ogre camp and towards the village.







Iii



Once I reached the village I looked up. The entire town of Woodland Village was burned. As I walked through the charred streets, I saw no survivors, just carcasses with the flesh burned off their bones. I past City Hall, a stone building built around the tree in the center of town. Even with its stone walls the inside was burned to a crisp. All of the houses, shops, and schools had been torched by the ogres. Beck was perched on the remains of the apartment complex and tears were falling from her eyes. When I approached she looked up and started to sing a haunting, tragic song. I sat down and cried myself to sleep.

. . . . .

The next day me and Beck started to look around the village for supplies for our journey. Inside city hall we found a map hidden under a tile in the mayor’s room.
Then we went to the forge to see if there were any supplies there. We found a knife, a torch, and a bag for keeping everything in. after that we went to the bakery to find food. Beck found a hidden cellar under a rug. It was full of bread and pastries. I went to the library to find spellbooks while Beck went to find a lizard to eat. All of the books had been burned. I checked what remained of the back room. There were several stone tablets with incantations on them. Now we were ready to leave.
IV


The next day me and Beck started off into the woods toward Mount Oyset. It was SO foggy; I could barely see two feet in front of me. Hours past and the terrain started to get steep. I decided to take a break and eat lunch.
“Whew, I am so tired.” I said. Beck chirped sympathetically.
“Easy for you to say, you can fly.” I fumbled in my bag until I found the map. “We should be about half-way up Mount Oyset by now.” Beck squawked. I ate my lunch and my pastry. I then put the map back in the bag and started to walk. The higher we went the colder it got. I wrapped my cloak around me and said “Pyrod byu”.
“Ah, nice and toasty,” I said.
A few hours later we had reached the top. I looked around me.
“What a view,” I said. From the top of Mt. Oyset I could see everything. It was amazing. I had never seen all of Galera before. I had only heard stories about it, told by Master Yan. From the Great Desert, to the Dark Swamp, even the high walls of Yagem City, It made me feel good, seeing all of Galera for the first time.

. . . . .

We spent the night on top of the mountain. I was rolling out my sleeping pad when something tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around and then blacked out. Déjà vu.














V


When I could see again, all I saw was the inside of a sack. Déjà vu. I moaned. How many times is this going to happen to me? I felt a pole tied to my back. Whatever had captured me removed the sack from my head. I saw huge eyes staring at me.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” I screamed.
I heard giggling. The eyes moved away from my face. I was tied to a pole, above a pool of lava.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” I screamed.
(Notice how both screams are the exact same?)
There were lots of ugly little flying things around the lava pool. I thought back to Master Yan’s copy of The Ultimate Guide to All Monsters on Earth. I think these were, Mountain Fairies! They lived on large mountains, like Mount Oyset. They captured travelers and threw them in a lava pit! And since all of the mountains on Galera are dormant volcanoes, there were lava pits on every mountain in Galera!

. . . . .

“Eessh ka boomka, ya?” One of the mountain fairies said.
“Eessh ka boomka.” Another said.
Two of them flew over behind me and started to untie the ropes keeping me from falling.
“HELP!” I yelled. “ANYBODY! HELP!”
Then Beck came out of nowhere and swooped down and pecked the fairies uniting the rope.
“Gesh na!” They cursed angrily. They started biting at the rope with their long, sharp teeth.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” I screamed.
(Seem familiar?)
Suddenly a large red shape dropped out of the sky behind the mountain fairies. A dragon! It was at least 30 ft. long, with wings as big as a field and three rows of teeth. It roared so loudly my ears hurt. The mountain fairies slowly turned around and looked up. Then screamed as the massive creature closed its jaws around them, swallowing them whole. I braced myself for it to eat me to, but it never did. I opened my eyes. There were dragons everywhere, ripping into this new food source. Beck tore the ropes and I climbed out of the pit. The dragons were killing and eating the mountain fairies left and right. Then I heard a roar louder then the dragon’s. It was so loud even the dragons stopped to look. Then a monstrous head broke through the ground. It was as big as a castle, with teeth the size of trees. I didn’t even know what it was. The head grabbed a dragon by the tail and pulled towards the massive mouth. The dragon roared in fury, shooting fireballs everywhere. The head devoured the dragon quickly, and then started to bite at another one. The dragons spread their wings and took off. The head continued to snap at the dragons. I ran down the mountain as fast as I could. The ground was cracking under my feet and revealing more lava. I kept running, undeterred and then the ground disappeared. Great. Now I was falling to my death. Beck tried to lift me, but she was too small. Then something completely unexpected happened. I landed on the back of a dragon. There was a white wolf on the dragon to. I fainted.

. . . . .

When I came to I was still on the dragon. I almost fell off, but a strong hand gripped my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” A voice said. I looked up. What I originally thought was a wolf was a person wearing wolf skins.
“My name is June.” The figure said.
“Hi, I’m Darren” I said weakly. “Wha… What is going on?”
“It’s okay. Just lie down. I’ll fill you in when we reach headquarters.” She said. I nodded. She wrapped a blanket around me and laid me in-between two spines on the dragons back. I fell asleep in seconds.




VI


When I woke up I was laying in a white bed, covered by a white blanket, in a white tent.
“June?” I called. No answer. I stood up and walked out of the tent. There were people in white battle armor shaped like wolves running everywhere. One of them ran over to me.
“Hi Darren.” It was June. Taking a closer look she seemed about 20 years old. She had long dark hair, pointed ears and green eyes.
“Hi. What is this place?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you on the way to the meeting. I’m late, so walk as fast as you can.” She said.
As we began walking she said “This is White Wolf camp 2, one of only 5 White Wolf camps in existence.”
“Who are the White Wolves?”
“The White Wolves are a group of elves, dwarves, humans and dragons trying to keep order in Galera. Right now we are trying to stop Queen Ruby from assassinating Marian, Queen of Galera.”
“Who is Queen Ruby?”
“The queen of Valera. She recently declared war on Galera.”
“Why did she do that?”
“Because Valera, the land of vampires, is very small and there are lots of vampires and werewolves living there. So she decided that Galera would be big enough for all her subjects.”
“So why don’t you guys just go and kill her? I mean, you have DRAGONS!”
“Yes, but dragons can’t breathe fire or fly beyond the borders of Galera. And there are thousands of werewolves and other evil spirits in Valera that could easily kill a dragon.”
We walked in silence for a few yards. Then June stopped abruptly.
“I need to stop by my tent for something. Come on.” We walked towards one of the white tents. There was a small dragon covered in purple fur near it. I hesitated.
“Don’t worry Darren. This is my dragon, Vezines.” June scratched Vezines’ chin. The dragon purred softly.
“Hello! Hi! Hello!” Vezines roared in a cute voice.
“Hi, Vezines.” I said.
“YAY! You said Vezines! YAY! Me happy!” Vezines said happily while stomping her feet.
I smiled.
June went inside her tent. Vezines kept on stomping her feet. When June came out carrying a quiver full of glowing arrows and started to walk away, Vezines began to cry.
“Oh, you big baby, I guess you can come with us.”
“YAY! You said I can come! YAY! Me happy!” Vezines said happily while stomping her feet some more.
I laughed. “Vezines is adorable!”
“I know.”
“YAAAAAAYYYY!”
We continued walking towards the big tent. When we reached it a young man ran out of it towards us.
“Good, you remembered.” He said taking the quiver of arrows.
“Of course I did. How could I not, with you reminding me every 2 seconds? Darren, this is Thomasin, one of our more careless members.”
“Hi Thomasin.”
“YAAAYYYY! Thomasin!”
“Hi Vezines. Hello Darren. Are you the mage we’ve all been hearing about?” He had short blond hair, blue eyes and muscular arms.
“Mage-in-training,” I corrected.
“June has owed me these glow-arrows for months.” Thomasin said.
As we walked in the tent June went to the center, where a bunch of important-looking people in armor were studying a map. She whispered something to the tallest one.
Me and Thomasin sat down on some of the benches in the tent. Vezines crawled under the bench. There were lots of other beings, such as elves, dwarves. Even a few dragons had stuck their heads through the door.
“That’s Shu Hwang. He’s the head of this camp.” Said Thomasin, pointing to the tall elf in the middle. “And next to him are his counselors, Yuglaz, that’s the dwarf with the red beard, and Sheen, the human with the short brown beard.” I nodded. June walked towards us and sat down.
“The annual meeting of the White Wolves will now begin!” Shouted Shu Hwang. “Now, first order of business, would the mage Darren please come forth?” I walked nervously forward. “Darren, it has come to our attention that you have information regarding the death of Master Mage Yan and a giant spider?”
So I began my story, first with the ogres kidnapping me, Spider Woods and the giant spider. Then I told them of the mountain fairies, the dragons and the monstrous head.
“Thank you. We will immediately send troops to destroy this spider. Yuglaz, take Thunder and Quan with you. Make haste.” Shu said to the dwarf.
“Yessir.” Said Yuglaz. Then he ran out of the tent and the large blue dragon sticking its head through the roof went as well. “Darren, you may stay here until you’ve decided what to do with your life.”
“I want to stay here and train to be a White Wolf.” I blurted out.
“That is fine. We can always use new members. June, take him to the hatchery.”
“Yessir. Come on, Darren.” Said June.
“Why are we going to the hatchery?” I asked.
“To get you a dragon.”

















VII


My mouth hanged open. “My own dragon?” I said weakly.
“Yup. Pick well, because once you have a dragon, it forms a special bond with you. So there’s no returning your dragon.” June said. We walked towards a building with a grass roof and lots of shelves with eggs on them.
 
Hey. I like the story. I've noticed some things, though. I would love to critique this story, but I will not do so without your permission. I critique stories that my friends write, and I am currently also writing a novel and several short stories. I think you have the makings of an excellent writer, and I want to help you in the journey. It's not a process that occurs overnight. I believe that I could give you many pointers to make your writing even better than it is now. I would like to help you, so send me a pm if you want me to.
 
Whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. I never said I hate it. Mostly I just don't like the first paragraph. There's too much explanation. I like how you developed your own setting, I just don't think it should all be written in the first paragraph. Never stop the story to describe anything. Write the descriptions in small pieces, in between the action. In the case of the first paragraph, unfortunately, there is no action. The first paragraph is what will catch the reader's attention, so it should be one of the strongest parts of the story.

Personally, I don't believe that the first paragraph (the introductory paragraph) is even necessary. You can describe the village and its location in the next few paragraphs, which you did to some extent. In addition, why plainly tell the reader the main characters name? A few paragraphs in, Master Yan says Darren's name. That would be a great way to introduce the name of the main character, instead of saying, "My name is..."

For now that will suffice. I need to leave. Oh, wait. One other thing. Please never start a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or, et cetera). It's just bad grammar.

I want you to know, I really like the story. There's just some small aspects of it, like what I've said already, that could use a little tweaking.
 

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