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Pokemon Art Ian's Original Pokemon Journey

Woyogoyo

The Oncoming Storm
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Location
Sacred Realm
(This is my first fanfic, so constructive criticism is welcome.)
FOREWORD
Very few who read this will actually know who Ian is. Allow me to explain. Ian is an RP character I made. He is probaly my most realistic RP character, but I felt like I needed to go into more detail about his past. Since I didn't want to add two pages to the character thread, here I am. Please enjoy the story.

CHAPTER 1
"Ian, wake up!" Ian's mother called up the stairs. "Okay Mom, coming!" Ian called down then he remembered, today was the day he got his first pokemon! He rushed down the stairs. "Is the Prof. here yet?" He asked his mom. Then he heard a voice behind him. " I don't know, you tell me." Professor Birch said, smiling. " I take it you're ready to receive your first pokemon then?" He asked. "Yes!" Ian said.
" Okay then, which would you like?" Professor Birch asked.
"Can I have Treeko?" Ian asked him. " Of course you can!" The Prof. said. " Would you like to name it?" He asked. " I'm going to name him Razor." Ian said. " Okay then, here's Razor with a pokedex and six pokeballs!" The Prof. said.
" Take care of him and have fun." Ian walks out into Evergrande.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
(This is my first fanfic, so constructive criticism is welcome.)
FOREWORD
Very few who read this will actually know who Ian is. Allow me to explain. Ian is an RP character I made. He is probaly my most realistic RP character, but I felt like I needed to go into more detail about his past. Since I didn't want to add two pages to the character thread, here I am. Please enjoy the story.

CHAPTER 1
"Ian, wake up!" Ian's mother called up the stairs. "Okay Mom, coming!" Ian called down then he remembered, today was the day he got his first pokemon! He rushed down the stairs. "Is the Prof. here yet?" He asked his mom. Then he heard a voice behind him. " I don't know, you tell me." Professor Birch said, smiling. " I take it you're ready to receive your first pokemon then?" He asked. "Yes!" Ian said.
" Okay then, which would you like?" Professor Birch asked.
"Can I have Treeko?" Ian asked him. " Of course you can!" The Prof. said. " Would you like to name it?" He asked. " I'm going to name him Razor." Ian said. " Okay then, here's Razor with a pokedex and six pokeballs!" The Prof. said.
" Take care of him and have fun."

Okay, I'd just like to say that this is way too short to be considered a chapter. This is where you introduce the characters and the setting to me, and I see that was not done. Really, the best thing you can do is take a minute to describe the environment the characters are in using the senses (or at the very least, sight, sound, and touch). If we don't know who a character is, show us who that character is- don't say he's an RP character of yours, that's insignificant to the story at large.

I advise you to go back and expand on this, as to be blunt, this is very, very lacking. Try again.
 

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