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General Art Hollie's Writing Thread

Luke's Wife

peaked in 2015
Joined
Aug 15, 2011
Location
the abyss
Gender
wouldn't you like to know, weather boy
Well, you know, since I write too much without anywhere to put it, I figured I'd create a thread.
I like to take one-word writing prompts or challenges, if anyone likes to create those.
I mostly like to post my own stories and original writing, but I do occasionally do fanfiction. I'm probably too embarrassed to feature that, though.
So, here's just a little poem I tossed together the other day:

rubber bands and chewing gum

i might have been broken once,
and maybe this is a place
for picking up the shattered glass
but i don’t need your bandaids
or stitches and a needle.
a polisher to smooth over the lines
and fix me.
i put myself back together.
with duct tape and crappy glue,
rubber bands and chewing gum,
popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners,
it’s the only way i knew how.
the cracks are still visible
a mosaic of imperfections
but
it’s holding.

So yeah, I'd like to hear your comments and such!
I'm not too great at poetry yet, I prefer short stories (although I am trying to write a novel that I might post chunks of later)
if you have writing prompts or anything, just let me know!
(how do writing threads work hoW)
 

Batman

Not all those who wander are lost...
Joined
Oct 8, 2011
Location
40 lights off the Galactic Rim
Gender
Dan-kin
i might have been broken once,
and maybe this is a place
for picking up the shattered glass
but i don’t need your bandaids
or stitches and a needle.
a polisher to smooth over the lines
and fix me.

Compliment 1: It’s clear what you’re trying to convey.

Compliment 2: Going from the broken glass imagery to the doll or fabric imagery, to the cracked surface imagery is a nice touch. It shows that you are diverse and complicated; that you consist of different substances and they were all damaged. It shows you are not static but dynamic.

Critique 1: At first you give the reader the sense of being broken like a piece of glass, but then use the term “band-aids” to symbolize being put back together. I think band-aids are an inappropriate symbol in this case. Your use of non-human metaphors to describe yourself is incompatible with the cut skin imagery (human) that band-aids convey. I would change band-aids to something that is used to cover up imperfections in glass or cloth.

i put myself back together.
with duct tape and crappy glue,
rubber bands and chewing gum,
popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners,
it’s the only way i knew how.
the cracks are still visible
a mosaic of imperfections
but
it’s holding.

Compliment 1: I like this a lot. You show that using sophisticated ways to fix yourself from the outside is artificial and inept. You break from the first part by showing that you are not glass, or fabric, but a person. You still use non-human imagery, but it’s clear we’re talking about a human being and not something more abstract. “Chewing gum” and “rubber bands” are classic fixer-upers used by humans to fix human problems when we’re without better devices. And while you can polish stones (first part), you can’t polish a person (second part). You have to find it within yourself to fix yourself, and you do so the only way you can: one piece at a time, doing it with the rustic tools you possess, and that has to be good enough. It’s not artificial, it’s real.

Compliment 2: You retain the non-human imagery but blend it nicely with the human condition. The last “it’s holding” is profound. You end it on a strong note, which suggests not only that you are perfectly aware of your situation but that you are also willing to do whatever it takes to keep it holding.

Compliment 3: You admit that you did all you could and it’s still far from being fixed. You’ve got some serious problems, none of which are quick fixes. You’ve pulled yourself together, but you have lots of work to do before you’re back in pristine condition, before the cracks vanish (if they ever will). But again, nothing here is artificial. It’s realistic because this is going to take a while and going to be a struggle. You’re aware that since you’re put together with such fragile devices, it could fall apart again. But it’s holding, and you did a damn good job to get it that way.



Overall compliments: I really like it. It’s simple yet satisfying. Most people can identify with it and your use of symbolism is well executed. It’s real. It’s a depiction of a realistic struggle. You were broken and slowly put yourself together good enough. It’s satisfying but still troublesome: nobody wants to be “good enough” but you’ve come to terms with that for now. You have to lay a foundation before you build the structure, and this poem conveys that. It takes a while to rebuild a structure, especially one as complex as a human being.

Overall Critique: You need to capitalize the appropriate letters and fix the grammar of this unless you’re wanting to convey non-conformity (a theme in this) with the actual appearance of this poem, in which case I get it, but it’s still weird.
 
Last edited:

Luke's Wife

peaked in 2015
Joined
Aug 15, 2011
Location
the abyss
Gender
wouldn't you like to know, weather boy
another one
more depressing stuff, go figure, huh?
(ps thanks for that awesome critique! yes, non-conformity is sort of a theme and i tend to use no capitals or punctuation to set the image of the poem. don't ask me why, i have no idea.)

Untitled

i can scream until my throat bleeds
and no one seems to hear
agony falls on deaf ears
scarred, bruised, battered
after a long climb
my fingers are breaking under their feet
while my own slide off of the unyielding stone
struggling for a foothold
dangling above an abyss
exhaustion reigns
knuckles crack, fingernails splinter
soon i won’t be able to hang on to this crumbling edge
the depths beckon
begging for my broken body
defying gravity is impossible.

will they hear me as i fall?
 

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