• Welcome to ZD Forums! You must create an account and log in to see and participate in the Shoutbox chat on this main index page.

"He's Too Nice" Phrase

tysonrss

Keyblade Master
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Location
OH, USA
Well obviously, I'm sure many of us at this forum has heard the phrase, be it male or female, but mostly male.

This morning when checking my yahoo I came across this article about the phrase. Being in my current situation I felt it was necessary to check it out.

The following begins the article.

Somewhere up there with the dreaded “I need some space” lies “you’re too nice” — which is possibly one of the most annoying phrases ever uttered in the dating world. What does it mean? Is it some kind of code for “I’m dumping you?” The unfortunate thing is that one little phrase can have potentially dozens of different meanings — especially when it comes from a woman’s mouth. “We don’t reject guys because they are nice,” confides Claudia Maittlen-Harris, 33, the writer and comedian in Los Angeles who blogs at TheZerosBeforeTheOne.com . “Often, ‘nice’ is our code for needy, boring, insecure, socially awkward or bad in bed. We’re just too nice to say it.” If you’ve just been blown off by a woman into the friend zone with a Nice Bomb, read on for an explanation…
So just reading that I instantly became interesting in the rest, because I can be socially awkward myself, I don't talk to others or pay them any mind when I'm out in public. Anyway, I'm going to dissect this article myself, and see what you people's opinions are on the matter.

Meaning #1: “You’re too safe and predictable for me.” “When a woman tells someone, ‘you’re too nice,’ what she really means is that she wants a man who is a little more adventurous and risky,” explains Dr. Miro Gudelsky , a Manhattan-based sex therapist. “She is being polite. Instead of saying, ‘You have no sex appeal’ or ‘You will never get my juices flowing,’ she wiggles out of that uncomfortable space by presenting the other person in a ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ light. It’s a question of swagger.”
What's wrong with being "too safe"? I like things to be simple and straightforward. I like playing things safe and stepping out of hassles, it's just what I'm am, and I'm sure there are others that feel the same. So what exactly is wrong with being "too safe"?

Meaning #2: “You’re kind of boring.” “‘You’re too nice’ could mean many things, but most commonly, it’s ‘you don’t stimulate me mentally enough,’ i.e., ‘you’re too boring,’” says Paula Hall , coauthor ofImproving Your Relationship For Dummies. “It is definitely one of those expressions meant to imply you don’t have a long-term romantic future together.” So what should you do when you hear this line from a woman? “If you have been 100% yourself, don’t change,” advises Hall. “Don’t try and act tough and unreliable in an effort to seem less ‘nice,’ because it will almost certainly backfire — and it won’t ring true for either of you.”
Of course there are many females out there that thinks the "nice" guy is boring, Hell, I'll attest to that, I'm boring as hell, I don't like going out here to party and act like a moron, that's my definition of "boring".

Now acting tough, girls like that, guess they want to feel protected somehow, that's fine and all. But how does one "act tough", most guys are full of hit air when showing off acting tough(then they get their arses handed to them)so what then? Does the female just "ditch" the poor fool for someone else?

Meaning #3: “I don’t deserve you.” Not everyone is used to kind behavior from the opposite sex; perhaps you’re freaking her out by being a gentleman on dates. “Because of her past experiences — family/boyfriends/etcetera — she could think that she doesn’t deserve to have someone be nice to her,” says Christine Baumgartner , a dating coach in Laguna Niguel, CA. Either she’ll get used to being treated with respect and kindness over time, or you’ll have to find someone to date who feels more comfortable with your chivalrous ways.
I "LOL'd" at meaning 3. In my opinion, these are just excuses the female uses to try and not "hurt" the supposed "nice" guys feelings. But lets take it at face value. If the female feels she "doesn't deserve" the guy, why is she talking to him? From the bat, the female can already tell if a guy is a "nice guy" or not, it's obvious. The signs are everywhere, so why waste all the time just to end in at "I don't deserve you"? :right:

I could go on about the last 6 I saw, but I'd leave that to you guys. In my current situation, the girl has shown signs of wanting to keep me around for a "last ditch effort" yet it can be confusing at times. Some of the things she says clouds my judgement, however after reading the article I feel that she's just saying these things to keep me around. I think the article has renewed my thinking processes and so I think I'm ready to finally put an end on this little "friendship" I have encountered. No guy is ever interested in being friends toward a girl she likes, not ever. His end goal is to get her, he becomes the "friend" to make her grow interest. That said.

I want to know some of your opinions on the article, my opinions, etc. Females/Males alike.

If anything, I think it's safe to say that I won't ever find a loving relationship, not if I can't find a girl that respects me for me and wouldn't mind(and I don't mean in the later years). I think I'm okay with being alone forever lol
 
Last edited:

octorok74

TETTAC
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Location
Joliet, IL
I laughed through reading the article excerpts. It's not like a keep count of how many that phrase has been said to me (26), but once those words come out of her mouth I am gone. I'm not going to be some friend they can use for stuff like a ride somewhere, especially since I doubt they would reimburse me for gas money. But thanks for the article excerpts. Now I'm even more prepared to take down some people.
 

tysonrss

Keyblade Master
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Location
OH, USA
I laughed through reading the article excerpts. It's not like a keep count of how many that phrase has been said to me (26), but once those words come out of her mouth I am gone. I'm not going to be some friend they can use for stuff like a ride somewhere, especially since I doubt they would reimburse me for gas money. But thanks for the article excerpts. Now I'm even more prepared to take down some people.
I know what you mean, for me I posses the ability to determine when the female has this on her mind, it's then that I usually just stop talking to her, it helps in not wasting any more of my time.

In regards to the female I was talking about, she "says" she isn't interested in using me like that(how girls use the "nice" guy)but in the same breath I still feel that ins't entirely true. It's possible I'm overthinking the situation, it has happened.

My only advice to people who fit the status quo is to not ever change yourself for anyone. I would never in a million years change my life, my views, anything at all just to appease some female. She either likes you for you or she doesn't, and if she doesn't, then get the hell out -->

lol
 

Joy

The Sexy One
Joined
Aug 18, 2012
Location
In your pants.
I've used that phrase only once. What I meant by that :
Once, it was about this guy who would text or call me really often, would say he loved me all the time, would buy me lots of presents and would pop up randomly outside my classes or even at my house a couple of times... It's nice, but it does get a little creepy after a while. So in order not to hurt his feelings...
 
Last edited:

tysonrss

Keyblade Master
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Location
OH, USA
I think he was trying to show you he cared, I don't see what the problem is.

But I agree, buying you things willy nilly and talking to you all the time, that's just over doing it, especially if you couldn't appreciate it.
 

Sir Quaffler

May we meet again
Hmmmm.......

I've been told this several times in my life, and I've boiled it down to four cases:
1) it's just a girl wanting an a$$hole of a boyfriend because that's what they like even though they say they don't. This is the most common one. The vast majority of the reasons given in that article are just excuses to cover this up.
2) they don't respect my desires at all. In these cases I have made it clear that I want to further our relationship, so they can't say I was just being a "nice guy" and deceiving her to get in her pants or something. Even so, I have made every effort to understand what they want out of life, yet they have not done the same to me. This pisses me off, because they don't really like me, they like a fabrication of me that they've made up in their minds. Another point with this is that since I am trying to be a good friend, understand them, and help them when needed, they feel like they can just walk all over me. They do not understand that I like them and that I would like to be in a relationship with them to understand them further. Nobody helps out other people for truly altruistic reasons, there's always a motive underneath. I don't see why they fail to realize this. Honestly, I don't know what to do about this one. I am the friend they need me to be and have done everything I can to let them know I want to further their relationship, yet they ignorantly think of me as "that one nice guy" and are offended when I confront them head-on and ask them out.
3) they truly aren't looking to be in a relationship. I realize this one's a bit shaky, but I have run across girls I liked who are extremely career-driven and don't want to be distracted. I respect this, since I have my own goals in my future career that I wish to accomplish.
4) I really am being the "Nice Guy" and am not being genuine with them. I have fallen prey to being a stereotypical "nice guy" every once in a while, and I am doing everything I can to change that. I think this is because I have gone too long before telling a girl that I like her before she finds someone else, and there's that constant fear that it'll happen again, so I try to make a move as fast as possible. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I tell her I don't want to do something or that I don't like a certain thing that she'll lose interest in me, and this has also happened a lot. Then when this backfires I go to the other end of the spectrum and never really speak up or assert myself for fear of being rejected. I'm bad at relationships, if you can't tell.
 

tysonrss

Keyblade Master
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Location
OH, USA
Heh, pretty much your reply fits the dogma.

That's why you should be straight up from the start, let her know you aren't interested in being her friend, let her know you'rer interested in her, if she isn't, leave her in the dust.

This girl I'm talking to, I let her know that I don't plan on being her spungedoll when everything goes wrong for her, and she understands this. She just wants us friends at the moment, and I can understand this because we don't live in the same area, but I know she is interested in me like I am her.

The problem really is that "nice guys" are too nice. Many nice guys like to be laid back and live life simple, Hell, I do. There aren't many girls out there that are really looking for a guy to be all nice and hold hands and do the lovey dovey dance, that's really just a lot of bull.

But I can say that confidence plays a major part, also, you have to be her preference. I've seen couples out in public and when the guy isn't looking, the girl looks and flirts and plays the eye game with other guys. If you know a girl like a certain type of guy, then you best not talk to her if you don't fit that criteria, you'll just be setting yourself up.

This is just advice to any guy out there that fits the topic at hand, because I know how it is first hand. I'm no whiz at relationships, I barely had any if any at all, but these are just observations I've picked up. Don't go falling hard too soon, you'll scare her away, make sure you two have chemistry. Have confidence and play it safe, always realize that thigns can go sour so that you can space out the relationship instead of rushing things.

And above all else, don't ever be her friend, you won't get her that way.
 

misskitten

Hello Sweetie!
Joined
Jun 18, 2011
Location
Norway
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being yourself. If you are fond of the quiet life - the trick is finding someone who's also fond of the quiet life. Boring is relative. I personally find a lot of people boring that I know other people find interesting. That is because I'm a nerd and my interests are very nerd-related. So for me people who spend most their free time at the gym, in the wilderness or going to bars/pubs/clubs are boring - and people who like to go to movies, lounge on the couch in front of the TV either watching movies or playing games are interesting. It's all relative.
 
Last edited:
I'm not a fan of flattering people with false compliments. It's even worse when the meaning of what you're trying to say isn't clear cut. If you're engaging in a relationship with someone tell them straight out what you think and don't mitigate the statement with pointless fillers. I find myself in the role of the "nice guy" but it's a situation I'm often uncomfortable with and seek to avoid. If someone else is falsely upraising my merits it would be hypocritical for me to do the same.

I glanced through the remainder of the article and found the ninth and final point to be particularly interesting. “I am a bit too immature to appreciate a guy like you.” I completely agree with the later commentary with respect to this statement. Many teenagers engage in frivolous relationships at a young age. The purpose of these temporary engagements is temporary happiness and only later in life will young adults find someone who genuinely shares their interests and cares for them.
 

Sir Quaffler

May we meet again
And above all else, don't ever be her friend, you won't get her that way.
Yep, but this has been the biggest pill for me to swallow. My natural response is to become friends with them and just hang out & do stuff; I don't actually know how to approach them from a purely romantic angle.

Another things is, I do not think like anybody else around me at all. The way I process information and respond to circumstances is far different than the norm. Because of this I don't really understand how people think on a personal, frontal basis. I think this might lend some credence as to why I slip into the "nice guy" persona every once in a while, I don't really know how to respond to them so I just become very passive and submissive; a habit I'm trying to break. Who knows, maybe someday I'll actually find a girl who is on the same wavelength as me.

Thanks for all the discussion, people, it's really helping me to understand more about how to approach relationships.
 

knowlee

Like a river's flow, it never ends...
Joined
Jun 2, 2009
Location
Southern USA
I've used that phrase only once. What I meant by that :
Once, it was about this guy who would text or call me really often, would say he loved me all the time, would buy me lots of presents and would pop up randomly outside my classes or even at my house a couple of times... It's nice, but it does get a little creepy after a while. So in order not to hurt his feelings...
I think he was trying to show you he cared, I don't see what the problem is.

But I agree, buying you things willy nilly and talking to you all the time, that's just over doing it, especially if you couldn't appreciate it.
Indeed, that is a bit creepy. It's alright to buy someone you like a gift every now and then and talk to them from time to time and tell them of your affections, but with how you're describing it, it does begin to get creepy if it happens more frequently than is normal. If a relationship of that nature were to continue to grow it could develop into something of a "stalker/stalkee" relationship. I have seen a relationship of that nature develop into that before and I will tell you that it is one of the scariest things I have seen.

Now to the article! Coming from a female, quite frankly I'd rather have a nice guy than a guy who would treat me like crap and do things that I don't see as being exciting. An example being one guy who expressed an interest in me earlier this year. He seemed as a nice guy on the surface, but after doing a little research on him, I discovered that a couple of his activities that he enjoyed doing consisted of doing drugs and drinking alcohol. And both of these things, when compared to most people in my generation and younger, I do not see as being enjoyable. I honestly cannot see the excitement in doing those things. This right here told me that he wasn't the guy I needed to be seeing at all.

Meaning #6: “I’d rather not corrupt an innocent man.”
^Or in this case 'woman'. XD

Anyway, I have experienced this once before. The person didn't say it in exactly the same words, but it was implied that he pretty much said the above quote.

See I've never been in a relationship before. And apparently to this one guy who asked me out back when I was in college, when I told him that piece of information to explain why I was a bit hesitant to start dating someone I've never met before and that I'd like to get to know him better before ultimately deciding whether or not I wanted to start seeing him, he blankly told me, "Oh I don't feel comfortable dating someone who's never dated before."

I will admit that I was disappointed at first, but afterwards it made me kind of mad. I mean, it's one thing to expect that someone has dated before and then be surprised to find out that they never have, but it's another thing completely to just disregard the person who has never dated before simply because of that fact. (Part of me thinks the reason why he was so disappointed was because he was hoping that I'd have "experience" in certain aspects of dating. I won't say what those certain aspects are, but I'm pretty sure that some of you can figure this out.)

A guy who learns this information about the one they're attracted to should be willing to make their first memories of being in a relationship memorable, not drop them like their not worthy of their attention. (Same thing applies for girls as well.)

Anyway, that's my two cents. :)
 
Joined
Feb 23, 2011
For me that phrase is all too common. I've lost count of how many times I've heard it. Honestly, I've had women blatantly tell me that I'm to quiet to have a girlfriend. While said instances have never really affected me negatively, they have gotten me to thinking. Some of those instances had even led me to emulate the stuff that I'd see jerks and d-bags do, just to try to impress women. Unfortunately, that only made me look stupid and appear even more socially awkward. Luckily, however, this phase was short-lived.

Anyway... I've practically given up on trying to impress others, women in particular. I am sure the right woman will come along someday, and hopefully she'll like me for who I am...
 
Joined
Apr 16, 2010
I've never gotten the "He's too nice," but I'm sure being too nice has gotten me friendzoned on numerous occasions.

That being said, the phrase is obviously a cowardly way out of a relationship, but what are you going to do? Say, "I'd like to refute that by proposing the theory that I am nice, however I am not too nice?" Obviously, a reply wouldn't be that ridiculous, but anything you say will just come out as argumentative and will be nothing that'll mend the relationship. This is probably why girls use it in the first place, because you can't really get around it.

I doubt I'll ever use it on a girl, but I suppose that's not a guarantee I can make. I'm sure, being a nice guy, I'll hear it some time in my life, as well.
 
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Location
France
Every year people tell me this phrase, this year was special because some girls told me that i am too boring and that i need to be more talkative and to live my life like everybody else. I didn't care that much at first but the more i think of it the more i'm questionning myself : Am i really boring person to be with ? Should i change how i am? Does what they say really matters that much ? Well at least someone told me that i'm a cool person.
But knowing that they often go to party, clubs and such, it just could be that i'm not their type of guy.
Anyway, i've never succeed to date a girl the only thing i get from them is their friendship or "You're too nice.", i think it's because i'm calm and submissive, i've never got enough courage go tell a girl how i feel.
But i don't really care about all of this anymore, because like Wolf Sage i give up on impress others.
 

tysonrss

Keyblade Master
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Location
OH, USA
In some form or another there is always someone out there for somebody, somtimes pride gets in the way of that.

People who are like us - in terms of how we live our life, doing things differently and not going to clubs and all that, the typical "nice guy" what you will, there's that "nice girl" out there too, I'm sure it's hard for her to find guys like us as well because they most likely fit the same criteria as us. Since it's so rare to actually find that, I decided to give the online dating thing a try, as I expressed in my online dating thread.

Sure you will come across liars, people who make up things and tell yo want you want to hear, but you need to have perseverance, because there are more chances in my opinion that you will come across a girl with an equal personality like yours, though it can take a long time. Often at times though, regardless if you find the person who is the same as you or not, what you have to do is make friends to an extent.(this is my advice as far as online goes, it's possible it can work out here).

The girl I'm talking to doesn't exactly have the same personality as me, in fact you might describe her as one of those "normal" girls but in that sense she's different. She's gotten to know me and like me and has feelings for me, even though we like different things, we do have a lot in common though as far as our pasts go and we both like art. We talk about everything, sure we're "friends" at the moment but only because of the distance, but I have told her a bajilion times that I'm not interested in just being her friend and she understands this, and we agreed that when we meet then we'll do it the official way. Online dating can help so long as you do the friend thing to an extent, so that both of you can see each other for who you really are.

While it does seem I'm getting way off topic here, the point I'm making is that for the "nice people" I think online dating or whatever will have great significance. You're not going to meet someone right away, I didn't. And I didn't go to some dating site, it was "Tagged" dot com, haha. Explore your options nice people, get to know someone who you feel is potentially someone you want to be with, get to know them and also make them know that you're looking for something in the end, something more then friends. It can go either yay or nay, thankfully this time around for me, its "yay".
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom