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General Art Fire Emblem: The Destiny (Story)

Johnny Sooshi

Just a sleepy guy
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Location
a Taco Bell dumpster
I like it but, if I may, I'd like to make a couple critical comments.


Your narration at the beginning is just a little awkward. While I like the idea of it as 3rd person omnipotent, Fire Emblem itself is a lot like this, saying things like "previous chapter" slightly detracts from the story.
You have a couple spots where your spelling is off.
Lance rolled his eyes and sighed, "Look, I was going to clean up but you guys came WAY to early. Now, out of my way, you are in front of my room."
Should be too. Sorry if I'm overly critical about that but that's just how I am.
The characterization of Lance seems good but slightly hollow. Provide more description for him as well as the others.


Overall it's great but those are my opinions. Sorry if they're too critical.
 

Chilfo Freeze

Emma Jean Stone
I love Lance's attitude, especially with the servant. I found that hilarious! And yes, the dialogue does make me hate Aiden. Kristiana sounds like a sweetheart as well.

I do have some critiques. ;)

Are you writing this as if you are telling a story, are you writing it as a narrator? I feel like I'm being told a story, especially at the parts where you say, "from the previous chapter" and "Now, back to where we were." If you are writing solely for the purpose of storytelling, then by all means, keep those sayings within your writing. But, if you are trying to write this as a true narration, then you have to cut back (or I recommend losing all together) the references to you telling the story and what not. Does that make sense? I feel like it doesn't... damn my explanatory skills.

Then, there are little mistakes. You use the saying "could care less" in the second paragraph. If Lance could care less, then he would care less. Thus, the real saying is "he couldn't care less". So something like... "He couldn't care any less than he already did"... that would make sense.

Also, Lance spoke once, saying. "WAY to early." It should be too. Just a common mistake, no biggie.

Nothing else caught my eye in the first read. I must say, keep writing! It's got some nice dialogue.
 

Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
Mar 22, 2012
Location
Nevada Test Site
I like it but, if I may, I'd like to make a couple critical comments.
Fine by me.

Your narration at the beginning is just a little awkward. While I like the idea of it as 3rd person omnipotent, Fire Emblem itself is a lot like this, saying things like "previous chapter" slightly detracts from the story.
You have a couple spots where your spelling is off.
I figured that 'from the previous chapter' did sound a little awkward there. To be honest, I don't really like that too. If it wasn't for those random parts where I am discibing EVERYTHING, there would just be purely dialog in this story, which I am not proud of all the dialog in this chapter. Where is the spots where my spelling is off, i'd like to fix them, if you don't mind.

Should be too.
thanks for that. I have accidentally been using the wrong words all week.

Sorry if I'm overly critical about that but that's just how I am.
I am a bit of a perfectionist, you telling me my story has errors makes me want to fix it. Which is good, its always good to go back and fix things. If you're not telling me my errors, someone else will. No big deal xD
The characterization of Lance seems good but slightly hollow. Provide more description for him as well as the others.


Overall it's great but those are my opinions. Sorry if they're too critical.
 
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Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
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Location
Nevada Test Site
I love Lance's attitude, especially with the servant. I found that hilarious! And yes, the dialogue does make me hate Aiden. Kristiana sounds like a sweetheart as well.
I tried to make him sound like an easy going guy, who hates nobles. That was my whole point. At this point in time, he's also acting a little selfish. He was picked up off the streets but he hates it. So, I hope I got that across too. I hate Aiden, which makes me think I used the name Aiden in a different story because it means 'prideful' lol. Kristiana (she's more known as 'Krissy' is my cannon, but I needed her name to sound formal in this story)

I do have some critiques. ;)
Good c:

Are you writing this as if you are telling a story, are you writing it as a narrator? I feel like I'm being told a story, especially at the parts where you say, "from the previous chapter" and "Now, back to where we were." If you are writing solely for the purpose of storytelling, then by all means, keep those sayings within your writing. But, if you are trying to write this as a true narration, then you have to cut back (or I recommend losing all together) the references to you telling the story and what not. Does that make sense? I feel like it doesn't... damn my explanatory skills.
I think its my awkward writing style. If you read some of my other stories on Deviantart (which I'd rather you not xD) I believe I have this same style. Darknut thought it was a bit awkward as well. I guess I am a narrator person. I could write in first person, but sometimes Lance will not be present, so it wouldn't work the way I would want it to. I get what you are getting at get rid of the fact that I say things like 'now back to where we were' and stuff like that. Makes sense, i'll try to avoid doing that next chapter and I'll edit this one.

Then, there are little mistakes. You use the saying "could care less" in the second paragraph. If Lance could care less, then he would care less. Thus, the real saying is "he couldn't care less". So something like... "He couldn't care any less than he already did"... that would make sense.
What you just said flew over my head a little... errr... so you meaaannn instead of "could care less" change it to "He couldn't care any less than he already did"?
I guess that makes sense.

Also, Lance spoke once, saying. "WAY to early." It should be too. Just a common mistake, no biggie.
Lol Darknut got mad at me for that one too. I'll fix it before anyone else notices...

Nothing else caught my eye in the first read. I must say, keep writing! It's got some nice dialogue.
I am the dialog master! lolz, still, I feel like I overkilled this chapter with dialog. ... still....

Great chapter! Can't wait for more! ^^
Thanks! I have a good feeling about the next chapter!
 

Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
Mar 22, 2012
Location
Nevada Test Site
Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

"Food, clothes, boots, armor, uhh... oh! My sword!" Lance thought, he pointed at each item he had, the only thing he was missing was his sword... which he'd left in the courtyard.

He quickly blew out the dusty candle in front of him and crept to the door. Once out the door he looked back to his room, even if it was pitch-black, he knew where everything in it was. It wasn't much, his bed, dresser, closet.

He proceeded to look both left and right to make sure servants weren't surveying the area. Once he figured it was clear he tip-toed to the stairs. He lightly sighed, knowing he'd have to make sure nothing made a noise in his pack. He clutched the bag to his chest then took a deep breath. After successfully making it down the long stairs without a peep he quickened his pace a little.

"Where is my sword... where is my sword!" He thought frantically, even though no one was pursuing him, he felt he needed to be quick.

CLANK!

He froze like a possum and worriedly looked around the courtyard. After a few moments he noticed the only things moving were his eyes and his drum-like heart. Looking down to see what he stepped on that could make that un-godly noise and saw it was his sword and another sword in a pile, on the ground. He didn't remember putting his sword on the ground earlier that day. He could have sworn he'd placed his sword on a chair that afternoon. Lance shrugged off the thought, it didn't matter, he found it.

Shhhhiiinnnnk. His sword was placed back in to his dusty old scabbard.

Lance glared at the other scabbard on the chair he had originally placed his sword on.

"I knew it. Walton must have moved it... he should know damn well I don't need his sympathy or finery." Lance looked down at himself and remembered he was wearing the pearl black armor Walton had bought him a month ago.

"Well... except this armor... the armor is good..." Lance shrugged and then looked back the vast courtyard.

"Goodbye, lovely courtyard. If there's one thing I'll miss, its you. And Grace.... Grace more than you, courtyard."

One more quick glance at the courtyard and he was off. It wouldn't be for a long time until he saw it again.

Lance walked outside in the cool night with the moon light as his only guide. He walked for sometime until he reached the slums part of the big city. He sighed as he saw his old house. It had already been claimed by some thugs. Lance cursed them under his breath, they would never understand what that house meant to him. As he continued on, he started to look down at the path in front of him instead of just in front of himself.

He continued on until he was almost out of the slums and then completely out of the city of Melior, that capitol of Crimea.

As he continued walked he heard a loud thump on the ground followed by a, "and don't you ever come back here again you little cheater!" and the crashing sound of a door slamming.

Lance looked up and saw a boy with blonde hair leaned over the rugged pavement.

Lance quickly ran over to the boy and spoke, "Are you alright?"

The blonde boy burst out laughing, "Ha! haha! I just gambled a weeks worth of food! haha! How do you... ha... think I feel? I'm dead broke and might just starve!" The boy then looked up and stopped laughing, "You... I know you!

Lance looked down at the boy, "You... errr..."

The boy stood up and looked Lance dead in the eye, "Damn. Noble life made you forget all your friends or something? It's me! Wolf! Shannon Wolfe! You jerk."

Something clicked within Lance's mind, he did know this kid, Shannon. Shannon was the mastermind, he could cheat almost anyone out of their money. He was really smart, you could almost see he was the jack of all traits within his green eyes.

"Shannon... Wolfey! Man!" Lance hugged his old friend, happy to see that somethings in the slums would never change.

"What did I tell you about calling me Wolfey, Mr. Noble?" Shannon spoke in a mocking tone as he pushed Lance away after their hug.

"Fine, Wolf. And.... don't call me 'Mr. Noble' I will always be the Lance who gave you half my dinner when you slipped up."

Shannon smirked, "Hey that was one time! One time!" He shook his head, "You wouldn't happen to have some chicken and bread on you again... would you? It will be a while before I get enough money to buy myself some food."

Lance sighed, "You mean, steal money and food, as normal?" He quietly chuckled.

Shannon put one finger in the air and shook it, "No sir, yours truly has changed for the better! I now have a job and I haven't stolen in a whole month, sir,"

Lance laughed, "Yet you just got kicked out for cheating..."

Shannon scowled, "Can't I have a little fun?"

Lance shrugged, "No."

They then began to see the sunlight over the hills, and the screams of a woman.

(My gosh. This chapter sucks... lol. I have nothing to say. I had writers block for nothing...

thank you. Gobli.)
 
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Chilfo Freeze

Emma Jean Stone
Oh, Silver. The amount of progress you've made is stunning. I see you took my advice on detail and did a lovely job with it! I like Lance and Shannon's relationship; I feel like if this was IRL, I'd want to meet them when they were around each other. I get the vibe that they make the good sides of each other show. :)

I only see one thing so far, at the very end. It's kind of tedious of me, but it bugged me.

They then began to see the sunlight over the hills, and the screams of a woman.

The thing is, you use the verb "see" before the comma, but after the comma is something that cannot be "seen". So it should be "...and hear the screams of a woman."

Sorry, like I said, that probably seems almost rude of me to bring that up because it's a minor detail. That's the only thing I've seen so far, though! Keep going, Silver! :)
 

Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
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Oh, Silver. The amount of progress you've made is stunning. I see you took my advice on detail and did a lovely job with it! I like Lance and Shannon's relationship; I feel like if this was IRL, I'd want to meet them when they were around each other. I get the vibe that they make the good sides of each other show. :)
Oh thanks! I had hoped that I got that vibe.

I only see one thing so far, at the very end. It's kind of tedious of me, but it bugged me.

They then began to see the sunlight over the hills, and the screams of a woman.

The thing is, you use the verb "see" before the comma, but after the comma is something that cannot be "seen". So it should be "...and hear the screams of a woman."
haha. THAT was where I got a headache and just wanted a quick way to end the chapter. I didn't send this chapter to my 'editor' Zelda Ali Baba. So... yeah... hoe do I fix that again...

Sorry, like I said, that probably seems almost rude of me to bring that up because it's a minor detail. That's the only thing I've seen so far, though! Keep going, Silver! :)
Lol, its not rude. It's better for me too add more details anyhow c:
thanks :3
 

Johnny Sooshi

Just a sleepy guy
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Location
a Taco Bell dumpster
Nice chapter. A bit short but it was still good.

Also I noticed you said Jack of all traits. The term is actually Jack of all Trades and refers to someone who is not necessarily amazing at everything, but is fairly good at everything.
 

Raindrop14

Soldier for Christ!
Joined
Jan 29, 2011
Location
E-Arth
I thought this was an interesting chapter! ^^ I like Wolf's character, he's funny. There were a few typos here and there, but otherwise I liked it. ^^
 

Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
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Nice chapter. A bit short but it was still good.

Also I noticed you said Jack of all traits. The term is actually Jack of all Trades and refers to someone who is not necessarily amazing at everything, but is fairly good at everything.
pfttt. It's short because at the end I said 'I want to write more... but damn I just got a random headache' ... yes that's my excuse, SHUT UP. Want me to change it? that jack of all traits thingy? I could have sworn it was traits... *shrug* hmmm...

I thought this was an interesting chapter! ^^ I like Wolf's character, he's funny. There were a few typos here and there, but otherwise I liked it. ^^
Typeos? WHUT. Tell me what they are now, Rainy! Oh and thanks, I like it too c:
 

Raindrop14

Soldier for Christ!
Joined
Jan 29, 2011
Location
E-Arth
Well... :rolleyes:

One he figured it was clear he tip-toed to the stairs.

Looking downing to see what he stepped on that could make that un-godly noise and saw it was his sword and another sword in a pile, on the ground.

As he continued on, he started to look down at the path in front of his instead of just in front of himself.

As he continued walked he head a loud thump on the ground followed by a, "and don't you ever come back here again you little cheater!" and the crashing sound of a door slamming.
There they are...
 

Go_Skyward

Seek a door that carries a [9]
Joined
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@Rainy:

Oh gosh... did I really make that many spelling errors...

my brain... I can't handle it... D;

I'll edit them tomorrow. D;
 

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