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FanFiction: A New Day (Aryll Twist)

LozzyKate

Ask Me Why I Love The Photoshops
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
“New Day”​
By #1 LOZ FanGirl​
Aryll wasn’t your average teenage girl. She loved the ocean. She loved seagull, and they loved her. She wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she did okay. Her family was never known for being rich, or being an average money-making family. Her parents didn’t have a job, her brother was very ‘different’ as the doctor put it, and Aryll was always talked and made fun of at school. Aryll lived a hard life, and didn’t expect much.

Aryll only wanted to live near the ocean, and have the seagulls by her everyday. She knew that dream would never come true. But she kept wishing and hoping, and knew that one day, something good would happen for her family.

School

“Hey look everyone; it’s Aryll, the Seagull-Girl! Oh and look, it her brother, too! He’s so clumsy; he’d trip over a cordless phone!” Bianca, the meanest and most popular girl at school, always picked and teases Aryll. Bianca had a huge crush on Aryll’s brother, but couldn’t ruin her rep to date him. Aryll shed one tear over and down her cheek, as she ran with her brother, Luke, to their homeroom. Laughter, from all the other kids echoed, throughout the campus.

“Why what are you doing here so early, Aryll? Oh and I can’t forget Luke,” Mr. Orca said. Mr. Orca was Aryll’s favorite teacher. He didn’t ever say that Luke was as dumb as a bucket of rocks. Mr. Orca also knew what it was like to live on and island, surrounded by water, and seagulls. Aryll always stayed after school with Mr. Orca to hear his stories and how he met the nicest seagull as person could ever see!

“I…,” Aryll sniffled a bit, “The kids were picking on Luke and I again.”

Mr. Orca opened his arms to give Aryll a hug. “Poor dear. You have it very rough, don’t you,” Mr. Orca confirmed more than questioned.

“Uh-huh. Mama doesn’t know my dreams and wishes of living near the ocean with seagulls. She wants me to grow up and be someone.”

“Well, you mother just wants the best for you, and wants you to show everyone here, that you are better and bigger than them. I know that you can live to be anything you want, but you should make you mother proud of you while you do it.”

“Yes, Mr. Orca, sir.”

“Take a seat. Class will be beginning soon.”

The day sped by for Aryll, as she and Luke hurried from room to room, trying not to be interrogated by the other kids. Aryll thought about home several times and thought of something she heard her mother and father whispering late at night, “My kitchen’s so small; you can’t swing a cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.”

‘Everyone is right. My family is poor. I won’t ever get to live near the ocean,’ Aryll thought to herself.



Home

“Mama, Papa! I’m home!” Aryll yelled.

“Hello, Aryll! How was your day?” Mama had an unusual smile on her face as Aryll hung her coat and threw her backpack on the floor.

“Worse. Everyone is picking on Luke still.”

“Well, what are they saying about him?” Mama’s smile dissipated as she was concerned of Luke’s well-being. Luke was very different from other kids. He couldn’t focus, was dyslexic, and had ADHD.

“I hated this one. He’d have to stand up twice to cast a shadow. He’s a little short. Not super short! Why does everything have to be unfair! I hate my life!” Tears streamed down Aryll’s cheeks as Mama held her in a hug.

“It’s all going to end soon. I just got amazing news today! We can finally go and live near the ocean like you’ve always wanted!”

“How did you…?”

“Mr. Orca called me today and said you were really upset. Well, I’ve been saving money to move somewhere nice and warm. I’ve decided we will move on an island very close to someone you enjoy talking to.”

“Mr. Orca?”

“Yes. We are leaving tomorrow. Do you want to start packing?”

Aryll didn’t have to think twice. “Yes! Yes, Mama! Thank you so much!”

The New Day

Aryll and her family sailed to their new home. She jumped up and down excitedly as her dream was finally coming true. This was a new day. This was Aryll’s brand new day!



 

LozzyKate

Ask Me Why I Love The Photoshops
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
This was a short story I had to write for school with five of my ten colloquialisms. Enjoy!
 

*M i d n a*

Æsir Scribe
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Aug 18, 2009
Location
*Midgard*
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It was not bad. Aside from a few errors I saw, in some parts you could of had inserted other words to make the sentences a little more clear, but it was not bad at all, I understood and enjoyed reading it. Also, it was short...people here tend to like short stories or posts. Keep up the good writing, a few errors will not take away from this good, short story.^^
 

Ikana

Trollkastel
Joined
Dec 3, 2009
Location
Ikana Canyon
Your story was great you did a very good job on it!Writing stories has never been my thing I think its just because I'm terrible on it.
 

LozzyKate

Ask Me Why I Love The Photoshops
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
It was not bad. Aside from a few errors I saw, in some parts you could of had inserted other words to make the sentences a little more clear, but it was not bad at all, I understood and enjoyed reading it. Also, it was short...people here tend to like short stories or posts. Keep up the good writing, a few errors will not take away from this good, short story.^^

Thanks. I appreciate you comment. I will work on triple checking it for mistakes. Thanks for letting me know! ;) :)

Your story was great you did a very good job on it!Writing stories has never been my thing I think its just because I'm terrible on it.

Thanks for the comment. It take practice. If you believe you can do it, then it will turn out great! Thanks again! ;)
Question; would you get angry if I did some constructive criticism?

I take all comments and constructive criticism. It helps and author and writer improve.
 

ChargewithSword

Zelda Dungeon's Critic
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Location
I don't want to say.
First, I noticed some grammar errors along with a few spelling errors but those could be fixed. One thing I didn't like was the pacing of this story went too fast. I understand that it was supposed to be a short story, but the problem with short stories is that they are not fitted to mass amounts of dialogue. Stories are also meant to at least go quickly which I why I think this suffered. Maybe you should have taken time to put more description into your paragraphs of Aryll's life it would have allowed us to be more connected to her.
Then there was the itself which rushed too much and didn't allow us to get a firm grasp of the situation. In layman's terms I think your story had potential, but went super sonic speed.

I will say that your story has meat there and has itself set up for many great things, and if you slowed down and took time to show us everything then we can see all the wonderful things your story has to offer. As an author you have the potential to go far and to do so you must snare your reader into a trap that will have them reading for more.

I am sorry if I offended you with this comment.

Question: Why is Link called Luke? Is that part of the twist. :S
 

LozzyKate

Ask Me Why I Love The Photoshops
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
Thanks for your help with this. As you and I both said, it is a short story. My L.A. teacher doesn't really know Zelda much, but I thought I would use Aryll. I will post for FanFics in the future that will be a little more lengthy and Zelda related. I really appreciate your feedback. It helps me improve my writing a lot. Thanks so much! Luke is actually someone I made up. Link isn't in this because my L.A. teacher would have said Link isn't a name and gave me this lecture. Oh, I forgot to mention, you didn't offend me. I have an issue with grammar that I need to work on. That's not the first time I was told that. Thank you tvery much though.

Alright, please don't get angry at me, but I think this story doesn't feel right. A normal Zelda has the themes of adventure and this is simply a school fic which normally isn't wrong but it feels awkward with Zelda characters. However that wasn't part of the criticism that was me nagging so you can overlook that.

First, I noticed some grammar errors along with a few spelling errors but those could be fixed. One thing I didn't like was the pacing of this story went too fast. I understand that it was supposed to be a short story, but the problem with short stories is that they are not fitted to mass amounts of dialogue. Stories are also meant to at least go quickly which I why I think this suffered. Maybe you should have taken time to put more description into your paragraphs of Aryll's life it would have allowed us to be more connected to her.
Then there was the itself which rushed too much and didn't allow us to get a firm grasp of the situation. In layman's terms I think your story had potential, but went super sonic speed.

I will say that your story has meat there and has itself set up for many great things, and if you slowed down and took time to show us everything then we can see all the wonderful things your story has to offer. As an author you have the potential to go far and to do so you must snare your reader into a trap that will have them reading for more.

I am sorry if I offended you with this comment.

Question: Why is Link called Luke? :S
 

*M i d n a*

Æsir Scribe
Joined
Aug 18, 2009
Location
*Midgard*
Gender
Entity
The words in red is what I would have used...

Her parents didn’t have a job, her brother was very ‘different’ as the doctor had put it, and Aryll was always talked of and made fun at school. Aryll lived a hard life, and didn’t expect much from it. <--This one doesn't necessarily need to go there but in my opinion it makes it sound better.

Aryll only wanted to live near the ocean, and have the seagulls by her side everyday. OR--

Aryll only wanted to live near the ocean and have the seagulls around her everyday.

Bad. Everyone is picking on Luke still.”

That's it, those are the only mistakes I really saw. You get 7/10 rupees for your effort. ^^

(Do you know if we have Rupee chibis?) I ask because I wanted to post seven rupees here. lol
 

LozzyKate

Ask Me Why I Love The Photoshops
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
The words in red is what I would have used...

Her parents didn’t have a job, her brother was very ‘different’ as the doctor had put it, and Aryll was always talked of and made fun at school. Aryll lived a hard life, and didn’t expect much from it. <--This one doesn't necessarily need to go there but in my opinion it makes it sound better.

Aryll only wanted to live near the ocean, and have the seagulls by her side everyday. OR--

Aryll only wanted to live near the ocean and have the seagulls around her everyday.

Bad. Everyone is picking on Luke still.”

That's it, those are the only mistakes I really saw. You get 7/10 rupees for your effort. ^^

(Do you know if we have Rupee chibis?) I ask because I wanted to post seven rupees here. lol

I think so. Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it. Actually no, there is no ruppee thing. lol
 

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